Since the invasion of Canterlot, an event that terrified most ponies, Scootaloo has harboured a secret desire to become a Changeling and join their ranks. When she confides in Babs Seed, she receives a shock that she was not expecting.
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 2nd Jan, 2012
- offline last seen 13 hours ago
Diamond Sparkle
I am pleased I joined here and hope to rp on YM with someone.
Diamond Sparkle
Joined 2nd Jan, 2012 ·
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A few grammatical errors and the paragraphing was weird. Also its very fast paced.
Other than that I love the premise and I will look forward to more. Have a like and fav!
You make good Changeling stories.
This was good so far, and I'll favorite it so I can see any updates to it, but I have some personal constructive criticism for you. I like it was rushed a bit in this chapter, and that some stuff should be made more clear. By clear, I mean having context or dialogue that answered questions like "If Babs Seed was a changeling, then where's the real Babs, cocooned or was there never a real Babs? Also, it would help to know when this story takes place in comparison to the series.
By it being rushed, I mean that there wasn't much of an introduction, but that's of little importance, the story is really what matters. What really bothered me was when you simply went from her first day with the Changelings to "after a couple days," and that leaves a massive cluster of unanswered questions and possibilities to the reader. Questions and possibilities such as what she did there, whether it was standing there doing nothing the whole time, socializing, fighting, etc., or anything that happened during those days that wasn't inside that building as well. So far we've seen nothing to do with her friends, other than the brief mentioning of their names and sleepovers, and I'd think that they would have had something to say at some point (or multiple) about Scootaloo "not being around as much" or her suddenly being more secretive or spending more time "thinking" than usual, etc.
I mean, the story's good, but it's not great, and it leaves a little bit more than usual to the reader. I haven't read any of your other stories, so I can't know if it's your style or anything, but I'd just like to see more insight on what's going on outside (outsight?) of the Changeling house. That's just my two cents, I hope you take it into consideration, have a great day
.
i don't mind the premise. Actually i love it, and the concepts are pretty neat too. The only thing is the 2 paragraph shift in Scootaloo going from "i could never tell anyone" to "Bab's can you keep a secret." Why admit it to Bab's? Why is Bab's in Ponyville? Or is Scootaloo in Manehatten for some reason? What is the setting they're in? How long has it been since the wedding?
Not trying to come down on you but the story could use a little embellishment before hitting your readers with the big reveal.
Personally i'm a bit of a continuity whore so i don't like big gaps of time where an unknown type or amount of progress is made. So (again i stress this is just a personal thing) the several days of getting to know the changelings would be nice to have embellished as well. Other than that i think i'll look forward to seeing the next few chapters and find out where you start taking this.
3737027 I'll try and make the next chapter better for you.
3736887 You're right, a better writer then me could have made this a lot better-but it's far from a total failure or you would not have read it.
3737027 Yes, really this chapter could have been easily twice as long and she (and the readers) could have got to really know the changelings.
Please continue on this story. Even if it sometimes makes no sense. But I still want to see what becomes of Scootaloo.
3737910
Please don't take what I said in a bad way, I'm not saying you're a bad writer at all, this story is still enjoyable to read, and has a plot that I haven't seen before, so that gains originality. What I'm saying is that to have your story gain a larger audience, it could use a bit of refurbishing. My recommendation would be to get an editor to help insert or take out details or little errors, respectively, or even a co-author (or the same editor) to help fill in where you may have missed important details. I still hope to see more, no matter what your decision is.
Interesting concept. Favorited.
Ooh this gunna be good
3746089 GOT DA RIGHT!
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe, (*tobad there is no smiling fluttershy*)
3746943 well there is
3747118 Thats yay, not smile. I ment like change pinkiesmile to fluttershysmile. A picture with flutters smiling widly. Then i could have all the mane 6 and scoots smily creeply around sweetie.
3747136 I find yay is close enough
3747170 so did i till i saw this picture
efchan.net/arch/src/h9sqc8n577k0.png
Make this a emoticon pleas.
3747292
______________
/ Rip \
/. Changeling-drone\
/. Died from squee. \
3747357 a no ma na ha we ne mo ne tre ve ta manea sa a we te meto reta ares e.
You owe me for that. And no i wont do it again. If youRIP again.pray to luna that you may be saved. And no dont try this spell unless you are a shadow pony.
3747398 *sigh* what do I owe you?
Also btw out of souls
I know you watch Siansaar on deviantart, or have at least browsed his gallery.
3747905 a compleatly awsosome changeling story.
and thus the DARK tag.
does have a bit of a rushed feel to it. but is quite interesting nonetheless
3748941 I'm working on two right now
One is published
3751634 on my way. (*"PINKIE WORLD HOP TIME!!!"*)
Wrong reply Scootaloo...
"Sweetie Belle is the cherished sister of Rarity Belle, the element of Generosity, and if she were to vanish, Rarity would do ANYTHING to get her back. The elements of harmony including Twilight Sparkle would use any and all of their myriad abilities to track her down and get her back. Using her would endanger the hive and have a significant chance of starting an all-out war of extermination with the ponies."
3758202 i hte it when your right in that way.
The pacing is faster than filli-second.
Really -- it doesn't seem close to an ending to me.
Same. It seems to get better and better. But it would be better if longer k? Oh and bring in a plot twist where scoots is decovered after a year and he others question it. Tell of all the mysteries of her past while she excapes and lives freeley.
Hmm a bit disappointing hoped for more hive scoots
Oh well
Awsome. Super RD compatetive loyalty! Never lets her goal. I saw to keep your kin and frends closer than that hive.
Scoots, you don't really need to worry about Babs. Your treachery has doomed her. If she isn't killed, she will be wingless for a long time. Enjoy your wings.
Sweetie Belle will not be so quick to forgive you either, and Rarity certainly won't. With Rarity will come the ire of the mane 6 and your mentor.
You stepped over the line twice and there is only one fate for those who do that.
*blink blink* so scoots is a double trator, freed her capta...capat...captive, and turned her self in. Ok. And as for babs, that was mean ans sadistic, but a good choice. But i vote scoots becomes herself and has to work for her love.
This is an interesting turn of events. Ironic for Babs and possibly bad for Scoots. I do hope things go well for her in the end.
Pacing. You need it. There's too much going on in this one short chapter at once, and it all happens too fast.
Also, I feel like you have an issue with run-on sentences. For instance, this:
Could become this:
It seems neater, and lets the words sink in more. Long, run-on sentences such as the above example tend to make the reader read the sentence fast, and so skim information and emotions. Just a little tip.
Shocked face, scots is part of a new family and they are super happy! Awsome awsome awsome chapter!!!
yay
mustach
and trolestia!
You get mustach!
Oh, this just got really interesting.
im a little disapointed, i wanted scoots to suffer in the prison for at least 1 chapter
awesome chapter. Will the real Glitter Gleam however survive by chance? It'd be an interesting scene if the 2 meet each other.
Good concept, but the pacing is atrocious. Not to mention all the grammatical mistakes.
I made a group about fics where scootaloo becomes a changeling
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/203977/scootaloo-is-a-changeling
This needs more chapters
Are there any plans to complete this story? I ask because I am going to favorite this because the plot behind it sounds interesting. HOWEVER, until it is completed, I am going to give it a thumbs down. Because while I may approve of the plot behind the story, I DO NOT approve of the fact that it has been 10 months, and 1 day since the last update. I mean, I understand that greatness can't be rushed, but needing 276 days in order to update the next chapter means one of three things. A: You've given up on the book (this is the most likely scenario). B: You’re too busy to write any more (this is understandable). Or C: You're dead (this is a scenario with a 50% probability chance, seeing as how people die every day.) If option C makes you feel uncomfortable than that means two things. You are obviously not dead, and I am sorry for having that as one of the three possibilities. Also, don’t give up! Your fans deserve better! I, of course, meant that in the best and most encouraging possible way. (This comment has been copied and pasted for the sake of saving time, HOWEVER the plot behind your story does sound interesting, the only reason that I mentioned the fact that it has been copied and pasted for the sake of saving time is because it is usually used for stories that have been sitting for a much longer period of time, for example, stories that have been sitting for 2 years, 4 months, and 29 days [i only say this in case I sound unduly pushy]).
5483814 Again yes if rl lets me. I have rl like everyone else.
5485697 I don't have rl...
This is making me sad. Not a sad story, though, I'm just a sad pony.
Please update. That's all.