I am pleased I joined here and hope to rp on YM with someone.
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After a pregnant changeling is injured in a weather accident and forced to leave it's egg behind on the edge of the Everfree Forest, the egg is discovered by Fluttershy and taken in, but Hive Chrysalis is desperate to get the egg back, to preserve the secret of the existence of changelings. (Set before the Canterlot Invasion.)
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Seems a bit fast-paced, but pretty nice so far.
It's... not really the pacing that's a problem. I believe that it's 1. Large paragraphs, 2. Show vs. Tell. Break up those walls of text, put all dialogue strictly in its own paragraph (new ones for each character speaking). This includes those little italicized thoughts Facade has to herself. Each of those should essentially be its own paragraph. And lastly, pretty much everything here is 'this is happening.' Don't be afraid to get a little poetic. Instead of 'I burned all my love' try 'I survived, but at great cost, I have no love left to bring home.' Stuff like that. You want to show, not tell.
Needs tuning in the beginning, it looks like she's talking to herself.
Pretty good start for this new story. ^^ Can't wait to see what happens when Fluttershy finds out it's a changeling egg. I wonder how she'll react and if she happens to know what a changeling is prior to that wedding invasion.
finding nocta
findind nemo
why do i make that connevtion
4499975
Everything he said. The writing is very dry and it is quickly going to fall into the Listing of Events trap of "this happened, then that happened, followed by this, the end." The biggest glaring issue I see here is the internal monologue Facade is having. Her train of thought is far too expository to feel like she's really thinking it. Let me give an example:
She's rather coherent for being just struck by lightning. I know in Equestria, it isn't as lethal as it is in the real world, but I'd still think she'd be at least a little dazed wondering what on earth just happened. At the moment, Facade's lines feel like they're being delivered by Maud Pie. That's not a good thing in this instance.
Okay, I understand she has a quota to meet for the queen, but that is not the most pressing matter at the moment. This should be more of a "Eureka! I got it!" moment of quick last-second thinking as she plummets to the ground to leave a nice changeling-shaped crater. She is about to save herself and her unborn child, that is something worth celebrating, not fretting over the cost. When's the last time you thought, "Well, I could grab this guy who is about to fall off a cliff and pull him up, but if I linger here for very much longer I'm gonna miss my bus."
Tread very cautiously as you continue writing this. A story's premise only carries it as far as the initial grab for attention. Right now, there is not enough here to touch any bases that need to be covered as your writing leaves me without an emotional connection. I would think that having to abandon a child would be gut-wrenchingly difficult, but at the moment, Facade is kinda like "Meh, brb."
4546660 Pretty much.
Are you still working on this? I like to see more.
7550502 I hope to soon.