Daring Do had been searching for the Winter Pearl, rumored to have incredible power. But, when it is stolen by a new enemy she would have to join forces with her old and bitter enemy, Ahuizotl.
Chapters (13)
- Member Since 11th Apr, 2013
- offline last seen Apr 7th, 2023
DemonWriterX
I am an inspiring writer and the best way to practice my writing is by writing fanfics. My favorite shippings are Fluttercord and Darzotl,(daring do and ahuizotl)
DemonWriterX
Joined 11th Apr, 2013 ·
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Dahuizotl shipping?
Thank you very much for writing this.
This was a really nice read. Your characterization of Daring Do and Ahuizotl was spot on with the exaggerated villain and heroine without taking it too far and making them look ridiculous. From what little I've seen of this new villain, I really like him; he's confident, sly and smug. He obviously knew how the events would play out. I really look forward to seeing more of him, although I suppose his identity won't be a mystery for very long, which is a little bit of a shame.
As for the writing itself? Well, it feels like the editing is only half-complete. You start off with single-spaced paragraphs that make use of Fimfiction's built-in indent tool, but then the second half uses double-spacing and instead uses actual spacebar spaces to emulate indents (which, by the way, results in very uneven and unprofessional indenting). You will definitely need to head back and correct this. I recommend using double-spacing as well as Fimfiction's built-in indent tool to make it as easy as possible for your reader to read.
Next up, a lot of the fic is written in present tense. I strongly recommend that you change this to past tense. This means going back and changing all the present to past, the present participle to past participle, and ensuring that all your sentences still make sense. Past tense simply sounds significantly better than present tense. If you're unsure of how to best go about this, then I recommend getting your editor to help you out here. Also, remember to check you're using a comma everywhere that they need to be.
Finally, I suggest that you get a proofreader in to check your work. Some of what you've written just has simple errors in it, such as:
This should, of course, be humidity, not humanity.
Another example would be:
Because "your" replaces "you are" in this case, you should be including an apostrophe in the word. So the correct version of the word you're looking for is "You're".
I hope this criticism helps you improve this first chapter, as well as all the future chapters to come. I honestly am really looking forward to seeing more from this. Dahuizotl is a ship I really wish there was more of on Fimfiction.
3698184
I
Thanks so much for reading this. I do agree I might need a proofreader and to work on the indent problem but I will stick with present tense throughout the fic but I love your critique thank you for taking the time to point those out,
DARZOTL!?
INSTA-LIKE AND INSTA-FAV AND INSTA-FOLLOW!
Just finished this.
I'd recommend putting it into past tense. Can I PM you an edited version with that?
Other than that, it's AWESOME, and we FINALLY HAVE A DARZOTL FIC!
3700477
Thanks so much ^_^
Love this ship. {It's up there with Dislestia as my fav.}
I really like it so far. Especially since you seem to have a grasp on the characters and aren't forcing anything on us too soon.
Keep up the good work.
Let's keep it coming man.
Is Ahui turn into an Earth pony or a pegasus ?
3715344
Earth pony sorry
I fixed it .
I would like too see more of this.you have a fave and a like from me.
Also great job looking foreword to the next chapter.
Dun Dunn-oh wait we don't know him yet.
>Daring Do and the Search for the Winter Pearl is updated
>can only express sheer joy with a gif
static4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130826075223/theamazingworldofgumball/images/archive/f/f7/20130826075517!291431-pink-and-purple-pinkie-pie-party-canon.gif
3700679
When can we read the next chap ?
4000655
soon, I promise, maybe by the end of the week though. It still has to be edited through.
OMG!! I can't wait for the next part!
I like Dahuizotl
What does "Heiole" means ?
4032926
it like "oh crap!" or "what the-!" so its like an expression.
4033390 In Spanish ?
4036805
Yes I believe so. I hope I'm not wrong
When will be ready the next part?
4040568
When ch 5 reach over 100 I will be working on the new chapter but it might be a while
4042458 Likes or views?
4094503
views, ^_^
And we're back!
It's okay, Ahuizotl. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Daring is a pretty hot mare.
But basically they are not married so she shoudnt be mad. Only Quinn and Maybell got married, not Daring and Ahuizotl so everything is alright.
Worth the wait I say!
This is awesome adventure. Although the plot forced them in various spicy positions too often
the marriage, the kissing, now that date with workshop. Its like two hands were pushing them towards themsleves and saying "now kiss". I think they need some space and work out their friendship before they will somehow end up having sex to keep their disguise
Either way its still a good story. I like the narration and pacing.
4646564
Ah I knew I was pushing their relationship too fast, and don't worry this is all PG through and through. No hanky panky here ^_^ all innocent stuff going along. I didit want my readers to think this will transcend into something more.
But I am thinking about how their relationship would push into a romantic level but don't except it to come soon. Heh spoiler to the next chapter.
It might be a while until then and thank you for your comment I appreciate it.
Very much enjoyed the story so far. Any guess of when the next chapter will be out?
4816340
Soon I promise ^_^ very soon
Can't wait for the next part!
What's up with the weird spacing between paragraphs?
4835720
weird spacing? hold on let me check.
4835740 See it?
4835768
yeah I see it, I have no idea what happened, but im fixing it.
4835771 Oh OK. Good to know.
4835773
okay I got, but just in case give it a look.
4835818 Seems perfect. Thank you.
Hmm they need to sacrifice pairs that really love eachother? For a second i thought they were looking for virgins
Lovely chapter. I have no idea why it didn't show up for me, but I'm glad I checked this out again. Would've missed this.
I can't wait to see what happens with our duo. It was nice seeing some of their thoughts on one another.
I just found ur story and I have to say, I couldn't stop reading. I have never once thought of daring do and ahuizotl as a ship, but after reading this, i was astounded. Please keep writing and I hope you write the next chapter soon!!!
5128400
Awww thanks I will ^_^ and feel free to look at my other Daring do and Ahuizotl story of The Amulet of Anubis ^_^
Oh, I love this story so much!!
Can't wait for the next chapter!! <3
another great chapter! cant wait to see the rest! :D
Feel like that last part is foreshadowing......
THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love this story so much! I was so afraid that you forgot about it! Thank you!
5728892
No way I will never forget this story. ^_^ its just school kept me busy. I will be updating my other stories very soon.