It has been said that nothing lived on the land of Equestria before the three pony tribes became one and settled there. It has also been said that ponies cultivated and created Equestria with their own hooves.
This is wrong.
Thousands of years after the cultivation of Equestria, Zachery a human soldier whose sole task is to protect the human race is allowed to take a leave of absence. It has been thousands of years since the last pony sighting and being in constant state of wartime is deemed too stressful for both the militants and civilians involved.
While this is happening, Twilight Sparkle an alicorn princess of Equestria unearths information on a lost race that lived in Equestia thousands of years ago. Unknowingly to the both her and Zachery, she slowly sets into motion the events that will cause the two species that had violently divided to once again meet. For better or for worse.
Be there human magic?
Here it is, the first chapter of my first fanfic. As this is my first time doing something like this, I would like to have lots of constructive criticism about the first chapter. That means telling me what you don't like. Don't worry I'm Canadian I can take it. : )
PS. Referring to the question about human magic...
you just have to keep on reading if you want to find out. : )
3659874
I want to update this story every month to give me the time to do all the editing/adding that's needed. So I'll say expect a new update in the next three weeks.
3659665 i die a little bit inside every time i have to read Nico's monologue
Oh Shiiiiiit ponues are Flankholes dammit even though, us Humans are a pretty weak race (in teems of physical strength, pretty much almost none existing defences when born, and the long time that takes us to learn everything properly) we have an astonishing levels of development in tecnology, weapons, armor, arquitechture, art, caligraphy, poems, literature and an extreme well developed brain, thus allowing us to survive almost all challenges thrown at us so i dont think ponies could overthrow us i mean yeah they have magic and can fly but were a primary warmongering race and we have hands wich are more usefull then simple hooves and an almost infinite intellect how the hell did they slaved us come on we would have plotted against thembesides that i love the story so far
and i demand thee more of this extraordinary piece of literature.
3752138 if we actually work hard we can actually become pretty strong. Unfortunately, almost no one has the time, patience, and determination for it. Even during medieval times, they had the determination and patience, but not enough time. Too busy surviving.
"Vanguard," is the correct spelling.
3807909 Thank you I didn't even see that. Well I guess it's back to the dictionary for me.
3758716 yeah but as individuals i mean ponies xan fly or do magic that is a great tool for survival but us an arrow to the knee could kill us. also did you read the entire comment or just the first part
3809196 yes I did and these humans can fly and use magic. Also,
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQxgIi8A-Qfz7_LsLo9tspNrmEUU4q492JaROkX8MR_oM6PSlB0-6fo9GPB
3809832 and how then we got slaved by ponies huh? or are those humans dumber then we are?
3854903 they were too trusting.
3857053 youre right hey i got a new moral: dont trust ponies because they are backstabbing bastards
3859014
memecrunch.com/meme/12NNX/excellent/image.png
3861753 LAWL
3864216 lol
These chapters feel like an extremely long build up to get to the actual encounters and, in my opinion, interesting bits. I'm hoping things will speed up soon because it's starting to feel like the story is dragging a little bit as these scenes don't seem to add much to the story.
3877702
Yeah there is a lot of build up because I want to 'set the stage' for future conflicts. I am planning to put more 'interesting bits' later on, but only after I establish some more world building. Its just how my writing stlye is. Also I kinda don't want to rush the story line cause that's just lazy writing.
And you know the whole 'pacing' thing that readers kinda care about.
3878311
The problem for me is the pacing feels like it's starting to drag. It's usually better to combine world building with scenes that serve other purposes or have it dispersed throughout the story because too much world building by itself can kill pacing. My meaning comes from something like this: we've gone about half the length of a novel without getting to the central conflict or at least what seems to be indicated as the central conflict: the meeting of the two races. If this was a mystery story with Twilight's investigation as the focus, the pacing for the mystery would be about right in this story.
There's an old piece of advice for writing that I think applies "In late, out early." The important part is "in late" in that you usually want to get to any conflict as close to it as possible because conflict is usually what drives stories and keeps your reader interested. I think my problem is I'm having a hard time finding any real meaningful conflicts. The most recent chapter has a minor mission that doesn't sound like it will have any real relevance to the plot (I could be wrong) combined with a long part about traveling that I only remember as another one off joke about Rarity and mud. It's then not until 2/3 the way through the chapter we get a little of something interesting with the hyrda and some sense of foreboding. We then finally after 3/4 of the chapter, get to the base with a cool visual clip-clop effect, then we find what we're looking for. Then the chapter ends...
3878480
Thinking it over I think you are right. I know were my story is going and how I want it to play off, but after looking my next chapter over I see there are some things I should cut. Anyways the reason that this chapter seems to cut off is because I had to cut it too make it work. ( I know bad right?). Anyway I will try to edit it to make the story more to the point. Thanks for the honest comment.
3880131
Thanks for honestly taking what I say into consideration. I'm glad I can help and make your writing better in the long run. If you get better then I'm happier when I read more of your writings. :) Win-win situation :P
why do I have the feling that this wont end well...
Great update! I can't wait to see what happens next.
Sh*ts about to go down
Ponies= Naive, Specisist, overly Judgmental, and judge an entire species because they rebelled against their owners.
Stupid Ponies they're strarting a war they're can't win
4083427 let us not forget warlocks.
War is an instrument entirely inefficient toward redressing wrong; and multiplies, instead of indemnifying losses.
-Thomas Jefferson
Stupid ponies, starting war with a group of beings that have been in a wartime state for thousands of years while your own country hasn't seen war in years will end badly. They are not prepared for a war with humanity, and they will bring destruction upon themselves. A war would result in the humans to go into all out total war mode, where humans become the most efficient, most brutal, and the most destructive killing machines on the planet. When they do find the humans, they are in for quite the surprise when they see how civilized they are, and how advanced they are. They are probably gonna get captured really quickly. I bet that ponies are the reason humans have magic by an experiment gone wrong, thus enabling humans to free themselves.
So we have a stupid judgmental twilight,raciest applejack and a-hole rainbow dash
4149347 ya seems like it
I hope Celestia rejects Twilight's proposals, I hope Celestia goes straight up to Twilight's face and rejects her plan. Twilight doesn't consider the possibility that maybe humans turned that way because of ponies. She is jumping to conclusions, and I hope her plan fails, and maybe get captured by the humans and shown true human society.
Twilight has turned full retard she's jumping to conclusions in believing that the ponies only did what they did to the Humans because the Humans where evil instead of the more logical reasons like maybe the ponies Human experiments turned the Humans into those monsters they found or the Humans only did it because it was the only way for them to escape the brutal ponies
interesting history, there are how many classes of human
humans have a alicorn equivalent?
something like this would be interesting
http://www.deviantart.com/art/Seraphimon-The-Star-of-Hope-329325618
4089314
You're entirely right about the war bit; Twilight and Applejack are complete and utter idiots for thinking they can do that and hope to achieve any good result.
4151950
I'm frankly not surprised. Ponies see everything black and white, grey is just a color to them rather than a moral concept. If something's evil, it's evil, no shred of good whatsoever.
Frankly this will only end badly, she'll capture a human, then the military will respond the same way every wartime military does, with force and enough troops to make even the Russians think twice.
Truthfully I'm waiting with baited breath for the moment when Twilight, Applejack and Rainbow come to the realization that they brought a slaughter to Equestria through their shortsighted actions. Now when I say slaughter, I mean it. If it isn't obvious, the human population is both huge and dense. The military would be proportionate times ten.
More damn pony racism
Well, looks like the humans are going to get an early warning. I hope twilight and her gang gets captured and are taught a lesson about jumping to conclusions.
It's nice that the humans put some contingencies in place though. They now have the upper hand.
It would be hilarious if the humans of this world had warships patrolling their waters and the ponies (as well as that griffin) get confused how metal can float.
It would be awkward for the Ponies if one of these three humans from Dragonball Z were there
1. Tien [He would use the Tri-beam
2. Yamcha
3. Krillin
4223370 you got that right
4223786
Something like this?
hndme.com/BB62NJ.jpg
I would be scared if I saw a 887ft long metal ship with 406mm guns and 17 inch armor plating. One of these babies can hit you from over 24 miles away.
4224516 Maybe even some Forrestral-class supercarriers* (the first of which being the USS Forrestral respectively). They were commissioned in the 50's, the same era that TV was around, so in terms of our logic it would make sense. However it is the author's choice on what he wants to write in.
*They were only called supercarriers because of their weight.
GODDAMMIT AJ
since it looks like the humans are getting an early warning that the ponies are coming i hope twilight's plan completely backfires and she Applejack and Rainbow Dash are the ones that end up getting captured its what they deserve.
so when they capture a human I bet after the chains and horrible humiliating stuff and fear I bet some ponies are going try to do some so called "pay back" and "interrogation".
be a good reminded to with all that pain and suffer of why they did it in the first place and were right to prepare... the only way to fight monsters is to be a monster.
Twi do you know that you're probably starting a war you can't win, we Humans are despicable bastard we would do anything if it means to survive
4224516 Tere's a rainbow in the backgroung
So it begins....
Good Faust damn it. Dis story 2 good.