I'm just a normal guy I like video games, Sonic, Transformers, and stuff. I had some ideas floating around in my head and decided to write them down
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They tell me my memories are fake. They tell me my life isn't real. That I'm nothing more than a science experiment gone wrong. I can't accept that. I won't accept that. They trapped me in some sort of cell, where they study me. I will escape from here and find a way home. I am Jake Darrison, and I WILL find a way back to my family. Nothing will stop me, not these horses, not any magical monsters, NOTHING. I will be free.
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I can't really give any criticism to this other than that it's rather forced and rushed. My suggestions are slowing it down, doubling the word count by adding descriptions and more POV analysis, and reading it to yourself aloud to see what it sounds like to the reader's mind.
that poor guy D:
6002465 Thanks. You're right I should have done that. I guess I wanted to get the first chapter out before I leave. I'll fix it when I get back. So besides that what did you think? Was it enjoyable? Also could you explain what you meant by it feels forced?
6002494 You know, Eon333MS is my brother so you be sure to give him some support.
6002652 Sure :D
6002693 Thanks bud.
6002728 Np! ^_^
6002545
It seems like you got the idea, knew what you wanted to do with it, have something awesome in your head, and was so eager to put it into text that you forgot that other people think differently.
I do it all the time. Take example from my fics from how badly they're rated- much, much worse that what you're doing- but that's because you choose good subject matter.
The only story that did well did so because I thought about and brooded on the subject, and wrote it down two years before I knew about FIMFiction. The later chapters were something that I forced into text, and you can see the quality of my writing got progressively worse as time went on. Now, because I tried to break my writer's block and wrote crap without rewriting and editing it properly, my story turned to crap. And because I get desperate to express myself without regard to how others read, my other stories were crap, too.
6002545 You're having the same problems I had when I first started...
)
Except your first story is actually decent, and isn't a self-insert! Great job with standing out from the crowd with that! (Seriously, almost every first story is a self-insert. I'm ashamed of myself for doing it and thinking I was original.
I'll read the first chapter when it's been fixed up a bit. Good luck!
no idea why they would vivisect him when they could ask him. disecting an someone who is technically a first contact diplomat is a bad idea, story needs rewrite feels forced, where was celestia in all of this or luna, seems ridiculous to do those sorts of things
6004375 I'll try to explain it without spoiling too much basically these guys aren't treating him like a first contact person. They see him as an alien threat and nothing else (they're a little paranoid). So their plan was to capture him and find out all they could about him including how his body works (hence the vivisection) and see what scientific discoveries they could make from studying him. As for Celestia and Luna they don't know about him yet. But they will show up pretty soon, and you'll find out what they think. (Also I'll fix the first chapter soon but I should probably get an editor).
6015658 if he had magic immunity maybe i could see them freaking out but they have training for this sort of thing
6016097 Well that's not what I'd imagine. But I understand your opinion. But hey maybe the next few chapters will help you understand better. Or maybe not. Have a good day regardless.
I just reread this, and I'm cringing at all the parts I should obviously have put more effort into. Oh well chapter two is almost finished, and I'll rewrite this soon.
I wanna kill them
I'm going to break the 4rth wall and send an army of U.S marines and U.N.S.C ODSTs to kill them all and save that guy. Then were going to make peace with eqestria just as a final "fuck you" to that tempest guy
6041683 Might as well send an entire fleet. I want Tempest to die slowly, I normally would be against this, but I can make an exception.
Am I like, the only one who was like "nope nope nope nope" at that part? 'Sure, let's create a weapon that's already been tried before...' Why not start with something new, less-than-creative ponies? Like, say, guns? Because which is faster, the time it takes a unicorn to start using a spell, or a bullet fired at point-blank range?
Also... time to summon up my Fourth Wall breaking abilities and send in a certain group of someones to take care of these ponies? Hm, decisions decisions... should I anhilate them with Daleks, dragons (Skyrim dragons), Chaurus Reapers (Skyrim), Dwarven Centurions (Skyrim), that-random-alien-race-no-one's-heard-of-before, or should I send in a bunch of Xenomorphs?
6041683 Thank you for the comment.
6041879 Thanks for your comment too.
6041891 Thanks for the comment. Honestly the idea of the magic siphoning weapon came to me while I was away for a few days, I was thinking about what the ponies could possibly gain from studying the human and I thought of how humans have no magic so the idea of a magic siphoning weapon and magic restoring weapon came to me. As for creating guns, maybe I should have done that, but my excuse is these guys are looking to advance science not create weapons, yes while the magic siphoner is technically a weapon it has a lot of scientific value and uses to it that Tempest hopes to achieve. Also how would studying a human help them understand guns? Unfortunately he didn't have any guns when he came to the world. Also a 'weapon that's already been tried before' I don't really remember hearing anything like this before, maybe that's just me feel free to explain what you meant. Thanks again for your comment and have a good time.
6041973
In the story, one of the characters mentioned magic-siphoning weapons being used by Tirek (I got it right, right?). That's what I meant by "weapon that's already been tried before".
Man, it's Akira all over again. Next thing you know this will happen later in the fic.
6042004 Actually magic siphoning was Tirek's own magical ability, so it wasn't a weapon (Tirek shows up in season 4 in case you didn't know) Tempest wanted to create something that could replicate Tirek's magical ability.
6042077 I have no idea what that is. But cool
6042100
Weapon: a means of gaining an advantage
Dude... Tirek's magic siphoning ability is, by definition, a weapon.
6042137 OK I guess if you put it that way it does. Though technically a weapon like it hasn't actually been built before so that's Tempest's plan . Still you're right.
6042208
Tyraxn'glora Grinsdanixa: That's cute.
Me: No, darn it, TYRAXN'GLORA!!! QUIT TURNING EVERY COMMENTS SECTION WE GO ON INTO A ROLE PLAY!!!!
6042928 Sorry to disappoint but Jake'll probably say something like "Sorry that'll never happen. At least not yet."
6041973 your welcome good sir
6041879 die slowly eh? Fine the ODSTs and U.S marines can wait. Well just send in your average run of the mill army trooper. Well captture him and interagate him.. And when were done well make peace with eqestria. And tell him about how we are such great freinds with eqestria. Then well sentence him to death for crimes against the human race!!!!!!!!!!
They need a evil crazy pinkie laugh icon for all your dastardly needs
KILL EVERYTHING
6043356 Nah, give him to ONI. Or better yet, give Tempest and all of his associates to Jigsaw
6044084 oh god why would you even suggest giving him away to ONI..... That's just cruel and uncalled for
Interesting premise, but this story seems rushed and a lot of grammar mistakes are present that kind of made the chapter worse. I will stick with it for now, but I may leave later on, so... Sorry
6045871 No prob it's just my first story I'll probably fix all of the minor problems later once I get an editor. If you could label some of the biggest problems I'll try to take notice and avoid and fix them. I personally think some people are a little too picky about grammar, but that's probably because I don't think grammar is a huge problem as long as the story is understandable and clear. Thanks for giving it a try, and for commenting.
I feel like I need more time to connect with the characters, I don't really feel anything for the protagonist right now. I mean, this is an interesting story, I just find it lacking in presentation and character depth. I'm not trying to discourage you, keep it up, but this is where we must part ways. Wish you luck!
6044868 If giving him to ONI is cruel, we should give him and his associates to Jigsaw.
6045959 You made some very good points, thank you. Unfortunately I think I'm too young of a "writer" to do that sort of thing very well right now. I'll try to improve on it but don't expect the best thing ever. I'm not trying to use my inexperience as an excuse, I'm just saying that's usually how it goes for young and learning writers. I want to thank you for your advice and for helping me come to terms with things many writers face early on. I'll try to do better, and don't worry I'm not discouraged. Farewell friend. Maybe you could come back once the story's finished.
Success!
Tempest seems a Biiiiiiiiiit too concerned, if can can make a weapon that drains magic...
and has given orders to stop celestia from knowing anything...
all Tartarus is about to break loose.
Jake should have killed every last pony he came in contact with.
6046338 i don't actually know who jigsaw is.... Yah
don't hurt me.... Im Fragile....
'Alien scum! I won't let you get out so you can hurt my nation!'
Oh were the scumbags? Who captured an innocent being and began horrible tests on him?
Y'know, I'm pissed beyond belief at Tempest, but I understand where he's coming from. He just wants to protect his home at all costs. He's willing to make those hard choices, live with Jake's blood on his hand, and make the choice to keep him locked up. It may not be the right choice, but it's one he feels he needs to make. Sometimes you don,t need a hero to protect you. Sometimes, you need a monster. Or he's just a giant dick and I'm completely wrong.
6051109 Thank you. That pretty much is what I was going for with him. Glad to see someone else sees it.
FINALY, TEMPEST'S PLANS ARE IN THE WOODCHIPPER GUYS!!!!
6062102 Or are they?
6062256 ...
Well 1: Celestia WILL find out about him being sentient.
2: "your a doofus." Sorry, inside joke there
2.5: Celestia will find out about a certain weapon...
3: the human (can't remember his name right now) is on the run.
This is something that Tempest didn't plan on anyway.
6052378 Is he gonna get home
6062620 That would be a spoiler if I said yes or no.
6062686 really hope u don't screw him over
6063846 Who?
6063846 We'll see probably not
I wonder if he worked at state farm?
Guessing Twilight and the gang is heading into the everfree, because when ever she reads a letter like this in any fic ever;
She sees;