When Pinkie Pie breaks the fourth wall on a brony watching My Little Pony, he has to use his knowlege of the show to try and get back!
Featuring my newest OC Summer Star.
Chapters (2)
bron33guy
Joined 14th Aug, 2013 ·
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3620964
Huh, it's a really idiotic story so far and didn't make any sense at all.
Like usual it's the same deal with a bland shell for a MC, he's not surprised by anything, already know how to pull powerfull magic out of his ass, know how to talk, walk and move without struggles, don't give a fuck about his familly and take everything in stride like a good bitch. And conveniently he appear in Ponyville, ready to show how amazing and knowledgable he is about what is going to happen.
And it's a Brony ! So obviously it explain everything !
3620964
I love Gav and Dan! They make some of the most interesting and funny slow-motion videos out there. I have to check their channel to see if they have any new ones.
Nope.
i.imgur.com/cKZOrkV.gif .
We're done here.
Your first problem is spending less than a week developing a clear story-line.
Aside from sudden changes in tense/perspective your writing is easily readable... if it wasn't for the actual content.
I don't have time to go into detail now but allow me to leave you this; do not be discouraged by the comments of others, we all sucked before we started writing good prose. I know you have the traits of a good author in you. Just remember to correct those itsy bitsy issues and spend a little more time brainstorming your actual story so you can make unique twists that attract reader attention.
You get a plus one for having the courage to post. it is the first step to greatness!
Ok, sorry, actual critique.
Besides what Maromar mentioned, you also need to work on developing your OC more. With any characters you write for, especially the narrator, you need to flesh out at least a basic personality to be developed on over proceeding chapters. Unfortunately it's quite obviously a self-insert, as you go from 'you' to 'I' pretty quickly. The only defining trait of the character is that they're a brony that's now a Unicorn.
But yeah don't be too discouraged, take the critique that people give you and try and improve on things.
You used an emoticon in a story... You used an emoticon in a story...
No.
...couple quick tips:
1) Write in third person.Have your character be him or her, not I or you.
2) Write a story with an actual premise, not a personal wish fulfillment fantasy. Yes, you want to go to Equestria and have superpowers. We get it. Most of us the rest of us do too. But it's generally boring to read somebody else's personalized fantasies. Especially when they've been done a million times. Which brings us to...
4) No non-canon alicorns. Once you've written half a dozen stories and people like them, then you can try making an OC alicorn. Nyx is well loved. But this is not something for a new writer to tackle.
5) Finally, quit it with the swearing. You sound like a 12 year old trying to impress his friends with all the big grownup words he knows.
Y'know, I really, REALLY want to believe this is a trollfic.
I really do. But I get the feeling it isn't.
If I'm wrong and it is, well done. You've successfully created a story that feels like a genuinely awful, author insert , fantasy indulgent abomination written by someone with no clue how to write.
If I'm right...
Well.
Please stop.
and start to tumble, tearing my glider harness apart in the process,
This isn't the only time you change tenses from you do this to my or me.
But seriously, pay attention to the people giving you constructive criticism.
You might learn something and not get down-voted into oblivion next time.
Most of these comments aren't very helpful. Please differentiate between objective errors and "oh by the way, you should also write stuff exactly the way I like it, screw all other styles". Chances are, this scares away not just this fic's author, but other people who don't want to put up with it.
Just because the story wasn't well-written it does not mean people can impose opinions of style on the author. There's nothing wrong in wish-fulfillment or super power as a genre, in fact it's one of the most successful genres. It's really hard to argue how the protagonists in Bleach or Harry Potter achieve their goals via any real skill or idea of theirs. They're just the ultra dudes, as they have always been, and that's it. Face it, most readers don't care. Harry Potter can be criticized for nonsensical world building, but for Bleach or DBZ or other classical super-power stuff there's just no argument; they are absolute shit if wish-fulfillment is bad, yet they have huge fan-bases.
Back to the story at hand; it has some clear problems independent of its content style. Allow me to try to list a few.
It switches between "I" and "you" with no identifiable pattern. The paragraph typography is inconsistent. The pacing on some confusing scenes is really fast -- hey, he's in mid-air? Pinkie pulled him in but forgot? The dialogues are not very credible; especially the one with Twilight seems OOC. Twilight is much too curious to talk like that and she has no reason to ask whether she could trust the guy. It's not like she is trusting him with anything. There are filler text parts that don't seem to serve a purpose, like "Situation summed up."
Going over it with a clear head should make more flaws apparent. But don't let people bully anyone into believing there are rules in content style; as Bronies especially, we should have learned that tastes differ.
3621340
You mean well?
3621398
I mean "but your character can't be too powerful and you can't use smileys."
Writing well and writing in a playful style are orthogonal problems. One has nothing to do with the other. No matter how badly a story is written, that doesn't mean one should complain in the same way about aspects that are purely matters of taste. Sure, it's okay to have an opinion on the style, but it should be clear to the reader that this is opinion, not a fact like wrong punctuation or broken point of view.
Imagine Tolkien had failed on capitalization throughout his books. Would that make it any more viable to call Sauron overpowered and cheesy? It's a different and much more complicated subject. People tend to impose their opinion on others just because they make easy targets, due to other mistakes. That's biased and not very helpful to the people receiving the critique.
3621468
Yeah, well the problem with those things is that:
1. All-powerful characters offer no challenge to the protagonist and makes the story boring as fuck.
2. Using "smileys" is fucking childish and adds nothing to the story.
True, but if you're going to write playfully, you better do it well, and this is about as far from well as you can get. There are still standards to writing a proper story, and word choice and composition can assist in that. When you randomly caps lock words, narrate the story like a kid going over his day at school while on a massive sugar rush, and do nothing original or interesting to boot, then the story is not written well. Period.
Again, a well-written story isn't a matter of taste. It's a matter of standards.
...They wouldn't be published if they looked like shit, but please, continue with your already faulty analogy.
What? Now who's trying to combine "orthogonal problems?"
Again, you act like asking for a legible story is imposing. No, it's called having standards for quality.
Apparently, you don't, so no.
3621496
You.
I like you.
Your pacing makes things very confusing. Take the time to elaborate more on a situation. Particularly, if you are going to go with first person perspective, make sure to note what is going through your characters' head.
You also might want to work on making sure the situations make sense. I think another comment mentioned this, but Pinkie Pie pulled him through the fourth wall just to let him fall from a great height and probably splatter on the ground? Majorly OOC.
3621142
Yeah, no. First person perspective is an absolutely valid form of writing. Second person is usually wish-fulfilling shit, but still somewhat valid. When used correctly, either of those perspectives can greatly enhance immersion into the story (look up The Dresden Files for an excellent published series done in first person). The only advice you should give him for perspective is to stick with one, not switch between first and third like he did here.
3621496 You are my hero.
You can pet me as much as you want. I even purr.
Someone loves Twilight. And I love you for that.
Cinema classes really do teach these kind of... common sense things that a lot of media consumers forget or repress.
3621496
3621616 You are also my hero for bringing up the Dresden Files. Read the Dresden Fillies if you haven't. It's like the books will less gore, demonic rape, and mind fucking. Nails everything else.
3621651
I read the first in the Dresden Fillies a while back. Caught up with the second one at that time but I'm pretty far behind in it . . . thanks for reminding me though!
3621496
I could imagine a good story that contains smileys. Some stories were in letter-style, why not make one as recalled by a Brony? And there have been quite a few good stories with overpowered protagonists. "Hail to the King," about a Sombra body-swap, goes a bit in that direction; it is quite enjoyable IMO. There have been many good stories with absurdly powerful protagonists, it should not be hard to find a few more.
Nothing to say on the rest, since I agree. It's not like anyone likes reading badly written stories.
I'm very surprised at the triple down-vote on my last comment. I have no idea how people interpret that post. I have not, nowhere, advocated bad writing. Yes, overpowered characters correlate with bad stories, but what does that have to do with treating style and the quality of writing separately?
A new writer should be taught what makes a story interesting, not fuzzy correlations with bad stories -- or arbitrary rules that many good writers do not even follow.
Some of the most liked comments here are nothing but insults to the author, with no hints or help whatsoever. If this is what the voting system is good for, I rest my case.
3621496
You give me feels. I don't know how to feel about this.
3621700 Don't worry, I'm completely with you on it. After all, if you were just getting into something, would you rather know arbitrary restrictions or established rules? (bonus points if you understand the difference without me needing to reply)
3621616
>First person perspective is an absolutely valid form of writing.
Yes, it's a perfectly valid style of writing. Nevertheless, this particular writer seems to be having difficulty with shifting point of view as well as excessive wish fulfillment fantasizing. Shifting to a neutral point of view is helpful for both problems. If he's not personally identifying with his character because he's speaking of him as a third party, that reduces his incentive to write him as a Mary Sue.
Just like the suggestion to not have an OC alicorn. Sure, there are stories with OC alicorns that are good stories. Plenty of people like Nyx. Caelum Est Conterrens and Code Majeste both have OC alicorns yet are nevertheless both good stories. But "dont' do OC alicorns" is nevertheless good advice for a new, struggling author. This author is having PoV issues. Writing from third person is a good solution for him.
Make moar, I enjoy disliking this.
Well, at least the oc's not named after your account...
Ooh, Plan 9's got this story...let's check it out.
*looks at OC*
*reads story out of sheer masochism*
i.imgur.com/KYanWsg.gif
Wow this is really funny, and cool at the same time!
ps I'm on an iPhone so if pinkie dose not show than that because I did it my self.
4 likes, 27 dislikes?
I GOTTA READ THIS!
Edit: Doesn't seem bad enough for that amount of dislike, not the best story though.
Keep writing, you'll get better :]
Listen, I hate to be 'that guy' but if you have this many dislikes then you really ought to re-evaluate your writing. Study what the good writers are doing if you want to get better. The internet is also filled with millions of different tools and resources to help aspiring writers do better. God knows that I've had to use a ton of them myself. There's no shame in being a bad writer, I'm one myself. The shame is not trying to do better, because I know you can do better.
Hey, this is only my 3rd story y'all.
3622354 ..... Wat.
Even with the shit load of dislikes you still continue the story. I tip my hat you sir.
askandyaboutclothes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/HatTipCartoon.jpg
HEY SHIT BALLZ THAT'RE DISLIKIN' DIS!
OKAY THIS IS NOT A MASTERPIECE, AND ERRORS CAN BE SEEN EVERYWHERE... BUT COMON!
HE TRIES TO MAKE AN ENJOYABLE STORY, AND IM SURE IT WOULD BE HELPFUL TO GIVE FRIENDLY CRITICISM SO THAT HE CAN WORK ON IMPROVING HIS STORY, THAN JUST FUCKING INSULTS AND MOCKERY!
And hey, Mr. Writer, to improve your story, you MUST read, and take to heart, the official guide to write a good story, of the site.
(Your main problems in your stories are: the pacing, the "Mary Sue" OCs, the tenses, and of course, the grammatical errors.)
Also if you really can't fix all of those errors, get an editor.
But if you decide to not do any of those, I'll suggest erasing this story, to either re-write it from scratch, or moving on to another project/story.
3703881 Thank you for the CANTERLOCK piece
, and I will go Twilight mode and read the Canterlot library's worth of words contained within the guide. 
3703857 Thank you! I chose to ignore the dislike count and keep this story cookin' We all have our goofs and everyone in the beginning started from square one.
This piece is no longer being worked on.
I'll leave it up, just note that this may or may not be finished in the future.