Chapter 1: The 4th Wall
Spoiler note! If you haven't seen all the seasons and episodes contained within (at time of writing Season 4 Episode 4 had just been broadcast) then you may not want to read on.
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You’re a brony, watching Season 4 of My Little Pony. You’ve just seen Episode 3 of Season 4. Your mom calls you out for dinner. Later, you come back and start watching it all from the start. Season 1 Episode 1. You’re bopping along to the theme tune, when Pinkie Pie reaches out of your screen, interrupts the tune, and breaks the 4th wall.
WAIT. What?
Before you get a chance to think, the pink pony pulls you in and you find yourself falling high up. Over what you know realise is Ponyville. The only way you recognise it is by Sugarcube Corner’s iconic roof.
Feeling over my head, I can feel something protruding outwards, then the penny drops.
A horn.
The falling, and the knowledge that you’re a magic user now, (A FREAKING UNICORN FOR CELESTIA’s SAKE!), that gives you an idea, inspired by the wings of aircraft back home. You create a harness, with wings attached to it. But not aircraft wings.
Pegasus wings. Damn ponification. Still, it’s better than nothin’
You begin to use them, and, drawing upon your memories of the show, manage to slow your descent. But you’re still going way to fast to hit the ground in anyway safe. Wait. Why am I trying to counteract the millions of air molecules hitting the wings at the moment? Time to try gliding. Instead of fighting the air, I’ll use it!
Ha! The wings on either side of you are sparkling, kinda like the Crystal Ponies do at the Crystal Empire. Wait.
GROUND!!!
You hit the ground at an angle of roughly 30 degrees (still better than the 90 that you would have hit the ground at without the wings) and start to tumble, tearing my glider harness apart in the process, while bouncing and spinning sideways about a dozen times, grunting with every bounce.
You have a horn, use it to slow you down, my brain says.
Right now, I’m too busy. Blackout.
When I wake up, I feel sore all over, but alive. And in a thicket of grass too. Groaning, I try to get up, but the balance of my body seems off. Why? Now a few things started to click as that brain of mine started to come back online.
I AM A PONY. A 4 LEGGED EQUINE.
Oh damn. Wait. Why is this bad? Who out of my brony friends can claim this? Then I realise. It’s night time, and why does the moon look like it’s… Wait, the arrangement of craters…
Oh damn. Celestia damn it. Seriously.
I am in the show right now, IN THE SHOW, right at the start. Before the Mane 6 restored Luna with the Elements of Harmony. Good thing I’m also a Whovian, and know not to bandy about future info lightly. Wait! The map of Equestria! I grab it out if my side pocket and locate my position. Never leave home without it.
Ah Celestia damn it. B*cking damn it. The Everfree Forest.
Now what?
One thought. Well a couple really.
Get out of totally creepy forest.
Go to civilisation. Ponyville. Maybe somebody, sorry, somepony in the town can offer me a place to bed down.
A clop sound. Hooves. I am total pony!
3 ponykilometres along, I stumble into the outer suburbs, reducing my horn torch to minimal to avoid disturbing other ponies in their sleep. Much as I hate to admit it, I might have to pinch Twilight’s future bed for the night.
Creeping forward, I use the map to navigate to the Golden Oaks Library.
I push open the doors to the library, and guided by my memories of the show, head upstairs to the dusty bed. A quick spell rids the bed of dust and reinforces the wood of the bed. Who knows how long the bed has been here.
Morning brings a welcome amount of light into the library. Heading downstairs, I peek outside the door and head on outside, closing the door behind me. A few shouts make me flinch, as Twilight arrives on her mission to prepare Ponyville for the Summer Sun Celebration, and to make some friends. A Canterlot visitor is going to attract some attention. Hang on a sec. Cutie mark check. A yellow star on top of an orange bolt. I’m red, a unicorn, have a cutie mark, and totally not meant to be here. And happen to be good at magic. Situation summed up.
“You don’t need to throw a party Pinkie” I say, out of the blue.
The party pony trots up beside me.
“Awww, but it’s a ‘new pony in town’ party!”
Rolling my eyes, I reply:
“Tell you what, go throw one for the purple pony over there. (I point) From what I’ve herd, she’s from Canterlot.”
“Omygosh! Yes! Definitely!! See you around, Red One”
“Just call me Summer Star” I say smirking, using the name of my OC. In fact, that suits me perfectly. After all, I do seem to be my OC.
I know what’s going to happen, but nothing compares to seeing the real deal.
A thought unfurls, and I start towards the purple pony, trotting by, saying:
“Howdy Twilight. Safe trip?”
The bemused expression on the student of Celestia’s begs for a meme to be created. Oh wait. No computers. Or Photoshop for that matter. A smirk inside my mind is worth it, and as I head down an alleyway, a face, right fair smack dab in front of me. A face I was sure wasn't there a second ago.
Twilight’s.
Oh damn. What a start. One very annoyed soon-to-be alicorn pony. Who could probably fire in a giant magical catapult me all the way to Manehatten and beyond. She’s probably going to ask me how I know about her trip.
“How did you know about my trip here? Celestia personally vetted all possible leaks of information”
Right on target. Damn.
“I have seen things you would not believe. And if you trust me, just as you would trust your assistant, you will not ask what I know.”
Hooves crossed she believes me. Please, Please, Please, let her believe me.
“Messing with time eh? So you’re from my future.”
What?! ‘Tis a lucky guess. I decide to play along, somewhat.
“Spoilers.”
“Spoilers?” Twilight responds.
“Big ones” I respond flatly.
“Oh.”
Then her face changes into a smirk.
“Prove that I should trust you”
I lean in close and utter but one word: Moon. [Dramatic Music]
“Nopony could possibly have known…” she whispers, almost on the verge of a Fire Rage. Not that I blame her. She was probably going through her memories making sure nopony could have spied upon her.
She sighs.
“Very well, I shall trust you”
She turns to leave.
“Oh Twilight?” I pipe up “Friends are the best thing you can have. When the time comes, you’ll understand."
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3620964
Huh, it's a really idiotic story so far and didn't make any sense at all.
Like usual it's the same deal with a bland shell for a MC, he's not surprised by anything, already know how to pull powerfull magic out of his ass, know how to talk, walk and move without struggles, don't give a fuck about his familly and take everything in stride like a good bitch. And conveniently he appear in Ponyville, ready to show how amazing and knowledgable he is about what is going to happen.
And it's a Brony ! So obviously it explain everything !
3620964
I love Gav and Dan! They make some of the most interesting and funny slow-motion videos out there. I have to check their channel to see if they have any new ones.
Nope.
i.imgur.com/cKZOrkV.gif .
We're done here.
Your first problem is spending less than a week developing a clear story-line.
Aside from sudden changes in tense/perspective your writing is easily readable... if it wasn't for the actual content.
I don't have time to go into detail now but allow me to leave you this; do not be discouraged by the comments of others, we all sucked before we started writing good prose. I know you have the traits of a good author in you. Just remember to correct those itsy bitsy issues and spend a little more time brainstorming your actual story so you can make unique twists that attract reader attention.
You get a plus one for having the courage to post. it is the first step to greatness!
Ok, sorry, actual critique.
Besides what Maromar mentioned, you also need to work on developing your OC more. With any characters you write for, especially the narrator, you need to flesh out at least a basic personality to be developed on over proceeding chapters. Unfortunately it's quite obviously a self-insert, as you go from 'you' to 'I' pretty quickly. The only defining trait of the character is that they're a brony that's now a Unicorn.
But yeah don't be too discouraged, take the critique that people give you and try and improve on things.
You used an emoticon in a story... You used an emoticon in a story...
No.
...couple quick tips:
1) Write in third person.Have your character be him or her, not I or you.
2) Write a story with an actual premise, not a personal wish fulfillment fantasy. Yes, you want to go to Equestria and have superpowers. We get it. Most of us the rest of us do too. But it's generally boring to read somebody else's personalized fantasies. Especially when they've been done a million times. Which brings us to...
4) No non-canon alicorns. Once you've written half a dozen stories and people like them, then you can try making an OC alicorn. Nyx is well loved. But this is not something for a new writer to tackle.
5) Finally, quit it with the swearing. You sound like a 12 year old trying to impress his friends with all the big grownup words he knows.
Y'know, I really, REALLY want to believe this is a trollfic.
I really do. But I get the feeling it isn't.
If I'm wrong and it is, well done. You've successfully created a story that feels like a genuinely awful, author insert , fantasy indulgent abomination written by someone with no clue how to write.
If I'm right...
Well.
Please stop.
and start to tumble, tearing my glider harness apart in the process,
This isn't the only time you change tenses from you do this to my or me.
But seriously, pay attention to the people giving you constructive criticism.
You might learn something and not get down-voted into oblivion next time.
Most of these comments aren't very helpful. Please differentiate between objective errors and "oh by the way, you should also write stuff exactly the way I like it, screw all other styles". Chances are, this scares away not just this fic's author, but other people who don't want to put up with it.
Just because the story wasn't well-written it does not mean people can impose opinions of style on the author. There's nothing wrong in wish-fulfillment or super power as a genre, in fact it's one of the most successful genres. It's really hard to argue how the protagonists in Bleach or Harry Potter achieve their goals via any real skill or idea of theirs. They're just the ultra dudes, as they have always been, and that's it. Face it, most readers don't care. Harry Potter can be criticized for nonsensical world building, but for Bleach or DBZ or other classical super-power stuff there's just no argument; they are absolute shit if wish-fulfillment is bad, yet they have huge fan-bases.
Back to the story at hand; it has some clear problems independent of its content style. Allow me to try to list a few.
It switches between "I" and "you" with no identifiable pattern. The paragraph typography is inconsistent. The pacing on some confusing scenes is really fast -- hey, he's in mid-air? Pinkie pulled him in but forgot? The dialogues are not very credible; especially the one with Twilight seems OOC. Twilight is much too curious to talk like that and she has no reason to ask whether she could trust the guy. It's not like she is trusting him with anything. There are filler text parts that don't seem to serve a purpose, like "Situation summed up."
Going over it with a clear head should make more flaws apparent. But don't let people bully anyone into believing there are rules in content style; as Bronies especially, we should have learned that tastes differ.
3621340
You mean well?
3621398
I mean "but your character can't be too powerful and you can't use smileys."
Writing well and writing in a playful style are orthogonal problems. One has nothing to do with the other. No matter how badly a story is written, that doesn't mean one should complain in the same way about aspects that are purely matters of taste. Sure, it's okay to have an opinion on the style, but it should be clear to the reader that this is opinion, not a fact like wrong punctuation or broken point of view.
Imagine Tolkien had failed on capitalization throughout his books. Would that make it any more viable to call Sauron overpowered and cheesy? It's a different and much more complicated subject. People tend to impose their opinion on others just because they make easy targets, due to other mistakes. That's biased and not very helpful to the people receiving the critique.
3621468
Yeah, well the problem with those things is that:
1. All-powerful characters offer no challenge to the protagonist and makes the story boring as fuck.
2. Using "smileys" is fucking childish and adds nothing to the story.
True, but if you're going to write playfully, you better do it well, and this is about as far from well as you can get. There are still standards to writing a proper story, and word choice and composition can assist in that. When you randomly caps lock words, narrate the story like a kid going over his day at school while on a massive sugar rush, and do nothing original or interesting to boot, then the story is not written well. Period.
Again, a well-written story isn't a matter of taste. It's a matter of standards.
...They wouldn't be published if they looked like shit, but please, continue with your already faulty analogy.
What? Now who's trying to combine "orthogonal problems?"
Again, you act like asking for a legible story is imposing. No, it's called having standards for quality.
Apparently, you don't, so no.
3621496
You.
I like you.
Your pacing makes things very confusing. Take the time to elaborate more on a situation. Particularly, if you are going to go with first person perspective, make sure to note what is going through your characters' head.
You also might want to work on making sure the situations make sense. I think another comment mentioned this, but Pinkie Pie pulled him through the fourth wall just to let him fall from a great height and probably splatter on the ground? Majorly OOC.
3621142
Yeah, no. First person perspective is an absolutely valid form of writing. Second person is usually wish-fulfilling shit, but still somewhat valid. When used correctly, either of those perspectives can greatly enhance immersion into the story (look up The Dresden Files for an excellent published series done in first person). The only advice you should give him for perspective is to stick with one, not switch between first and third like he did here.
3621496 You are my hero.
You can pet me as much as you want. I even purr.
Someone loves Twilight. And I love you for that.
Cinema classes really do teach these kind of... common sense things that a lot of media consumers forget or repress.
3621496
3621616 You are also my hero for bringing up the Dresden Files. Read the Dresden Fillies if you haven't. It's like the books will less gore, demonic rape, and mind fucking. Nails everything else.
3621651
I read the first in the Dresden Fillies a while back. Caught up with the second one at that time but I'm pretty far behind in it . . . thanks for reminding me though!
3621496
I could imagine a good story that contains smileys. Some stories were in letter-style, why not make one as recalled by a Brony? And there have been quite a few good stories with overpowered protagonists. "Hail to the King," about a Sombra body-swap, goes a bit in that direction; it is quite enjoyable IMO. There have been many good stories with absurdly powerful protagonists, it should not be hard to find a few more.
Nothing to say on the rest, since I agree. It's not like anyone likes reading badly written stories.
I'm very surprised at the triple down-vote on my last comment. I have no idea how people interpret that post. I have not, nowhere, advocated bad writing. Yes, overpowered characters correlate with bad stories, but what does that have to do with treating style and the quality of writing separately?
A new writer should be taught what makes a story interesting, not fuzzy correlations with bad stories -- or arbitrary rules that many good writers do not even follow.
Some of the most liked comments here are nothing but insults to the author, with no hints or help whatsoever. If this is what the voting system is good for, I rest my case.
3621496
You give me feels. I don't know how to feel about this.
3621700 Don't worry, I'm completely with you on it. After all, if you were just getting into something, would you rather know arbitrary restrictions or established rules? (bonus points if you understand the difference without me needing to reply)
3621616
>First person perspective is an absolutely valid form of writing.
Yes, it's a perfectly valid style of writing. Nevertheless, this particular writer seems to be having difficulty with shifting point of view as well as excessive wish fulfillment fantasizing. Shifting to a neutral point of view is helpful for both problems. If he's not personally identifying with his character because he's speaking of him as a third party, that reduces his incentive to write him as a Mary Sue.
Just like the suggestion to not have an OC alicorn. Sure, there are stories with OC alicorns that are good stories. Plenty of people like Nyx. Caelum Est Conterrens and Code Majeste both have OC alicorns yet are nevertheless both good stories. But "dont' do OC alicorns" is nevertheless good advice for a new, struggling author. This author is having PoV issues. Writing from third person is a good solution for him.
Make moar, I enjoy disliking this.
Well, at least the oc's not named after your account...
Ooh, Plan 9's got this story...let's check it out.
*looks at OC*
*reads story out of sheer masochism*
i.imgur.com/KYanWsg.gif
Wow this is really funny, and cool at the same time!
ps I'm on an iPhone so if pinkie dose not show than that because I did it my self.