Dedicated writer who loves to work and think of new ideas. I hope you like my fanfics - my readers are very precious to me!
Pinkie Pie grants Lyra the gift of being a human in our world, but it's not all she thought it was. Done for a literature contest for my school, where we had to write a poem or story on the subject 'Being Human'.
The next story is about a softcore brony being transformed into a pony just in time for Winter-Wrap Up. Done for another contest under the theme of 'Spring'.
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Hah! For school bro? I give you props because I couldn't of done it myself.
306978 Thanks, I'm a very open brony
I like how your school probaly means what makes US human, not a story about the gift of being human. Then again my school acts like a prison. Seriously we never get anything fun like this to do, you are a lucky borny my man.
Anyways, nice thinking there bro! /)
An interesting concept, though a tad preachy for my tastes.
Now that story is awesome. Short, very very short, but awesome.
By curisity, what note did you get for it?
It's really nice to see that I'm not the only brony to write a fanfic for a school assignment.
I hope you get a good grade, because this was really well written, albeit short.
307005 Thanks! The theme wasent specific at all do I thought I'd take advantage of it
307006 Lyra is in some extreme shock if that helps to explain the preachiness
307011 Nothing yet. I only wrote it tonight! I'll hand it in on Monday and keep watch of my blog for whatever comments I get from it!
307018 Thanks! I honestly don't remember whether the 1000 words was a minimum or a maximum but I think it'd be intreresting to keep it short
I just wish that my school was this awesome to do contest like this
307026 Alright. If your teacher gives ya less than B, he/she can't read! XD I really hope you will get a good note for this.
307042 Meh too.
Erm, okay. I don't exactly know what you have here.
First of all: The writing, prose, and word choice itself is very poor quality. It's also riddled with spelling and grammar errors. I assume you did not put any effort whatsoever into editing this, lest even a simple skim with a spellchecker.
The storyline was difficult to follow, predictable, and annoying at best. You jumped from different scenes and times to others without any form of transition whatsoever, and did very little to explain what you were doing and why. Suddenly Pinkie shows Lyra humans, suddenly Lyra is one, suddenly Lyra isn't.
If you had intended to write a 1,000 word short fic, you should have chosen a topic that could be done within 1,000 words. This is the basis for a long, multi chapter fic - and even then it would be very difficult to do while keeping the reader guessing and interested. As of now, it's just a mess scrapped together off of a bad idea in a few minutes, written as quick as possible, and posted onto #FIMFiction without a second look.
Now, my main problem is that you told the entire story inside the description. Without even clicking your chapter link or paying any mind to you, the reader already knows exactly how the story will begin, proceed, and end. There's no mystery, there's no conflict, and there is no reason at all for reading. The only thing you tried to do here was make some slur against the human race, attempting to emotionally 'wow' your audience.
There was no build up. There was nothing to do that prior except a faint WWII reference. Nobody read that last block and felt moved at all. You didn't achieve what you were trying to, and that just makes it an annoying waste of a paragraph.
In conclusion, I wouldn't submit this to your instructor if I were you.
307079
This basically says it all...
The message we're left with is "humans are awful, run back to the colorful ponies instead." That is a terrible message.
307101 Not that I'm going to sugarcoat human history in the least, but I wonder how a human would've felt going from present-day Earth to Equestria in the era shown in "Hearth's Warming Eve". Everyone starving, miserable conditions, animosity and racism, arrogant leaders putting personal aggrandizement over the welfare of their people, scant hope for improvement... maybe ponies have been lucky enough to avoid actual intraspecies war, but they wouldn't be able to claim a whole lot of moral high ground either.
And we've never had the benefit of an all-powerful physical goddess to make things easier for us.
307160
Also, it's not like Lyra's not already living in a town that hasn't been completely leveled by various disasters. Several times. Within about a year.
: /
Well...
Nevermind
But Lyra wait....humans aren't all bad we created MLP: FiM and by extension you.
Hmm..... The idea is novel, but doesn't have much impact to me. Maybe it would be better if we humans would be seen as both ways? The story itself needs a better flow, and better usage of description.
'If you had intended to write a 1,000 word short fic, you should have chosen a topic that could be done within 1,000 words.' - LunaUsesCaps
You sure about that? I believe anything can be done in 1000 words or less. But it's not that suitable for this site since stories submitted have to be greater than 1k words.
I dunno about you guys, but I'm definitely not submitting a pony related fic for school. Even if I love ponies to death. I doubt non-bronies would understand what is going on. Ponies are after all, in the eyes of many people non-sentient beings. (Even if the topic is anything you like.)
3/5 if we had the star system back again.
Are you, by any chance, attending a Challenger School?
A bit too poorly distributed. You could have cut the first part down by quite a bit, and have given the core of the story, Lyra being a human, a bit more meat. It is not necessary to elaborate on things like the moral and unicorn lifestyle when you're on the budget. You could have just started by writing something like...
"They told me it was impossible! That a unicorn couldn't be a human. But thanks to Vinyl Scratch's power of rock, I have been given a chance: 20 minutes to spend as a human in the human world."
And then you have 980 words to spend on your story instead of 180.
As for Lyra ending up in the middle of World War 2, it seems a bit cliched. If it were justified, or if you took full advantage of the time period instead of just bombing Lyra, it could have been interesting. As it is, we're left with a Lyra who hates humans because it feels like the author like ponies more.
I don't like writing an entirely negative review. So what did you do right? Well, I liked your descriptions. They made decent use of the words available. And I liked how you addressed the metamorphosis without wasting too much time on it. And this story isn't fundamentally bad. It just needs a bit of reworking and subtlety
307519
That's pretty fucking uncalled for.
307653
No, there's a school that's called "Challenger"
http://www.challengerschool.com/?gclid=CN7iv56_264CFWMGRQodXGb9ZQ
It's an actual school system on the West Coast with campuses in California and Nevada
307657
Everyone knows what the Challenger program is, and what you were implying.
307663
I sincerely hope you're trying to screw with me.
If you aren't, I don't want to say what I think of you.
307673
Someone who would make that kind of comment, I'd be insulted if you had a good opinion of me. I don't want it.
307682
Perhaps a little more light on my question would change the air of things? At the campus I went to (as I was a student of the school), pretty much every grade above 4th (I think) had an assignment to write a story about something. Some teachers assigned a prompt while others did not, but I digress. 6th graders and below had a limit of 600 words, 7th graders a limit of 800 words and the 8th graders a limit of 1000 words. Perhaps 1000 words is just a universal number that teachers like to use, but I haven't heard of any other school system that would give out such an assignment. That's why I asked. I'm sorry if my question was misleading in its intentions or its tone.
And for an actual comment about the story, I think it was okay. I think that you could have made it more where where Pinkie had dropped Lyra off to. To me it sounded like WWII Era Germany, but like I said earlier, it was unclear and I'm still trying to figure out where exactly Lyra got dropped off to.
Don't be too bummed out by everyone's negative responses. While harsh, I assure you they haven't all been entirely unfair. Put a few more hours into it and really try to use your thousand words as best you can. Cut out the unnecessary parts, maybe elaborate more on her time in the human world. You don't need to spell out the moral at the end, either; it was pretty easy to discern without that last paragraph.
You might also want to give her some good experience before the bad hits. Being human isn't the worst thing ever, and it's made pretty clear that ponies have had their own share of problems too. If you're decided that the moral is going to be positively anti-human though, then try to give us some more reason to side with her on this. One of the first things she noticed when she got to Earth was pain--why was she in pain? If you're going to insist on this negative image of humanity, perhaps you could be a bit more descriptive about her situation.
In short, don't be disheartened. Consider this a rough sketch; a first attempt. Now go back and make it better! There is potential here, and it's up to you to bring it out!
I am going to track this story for the next two days. I have faith in your ability to make this shine.
308313 Thank you! I may not update this for a while but I do have some thoughts as to what I can do.
308380
I had one more thought as I was drifting to sleep last night. Perhaps you should do a separate paper for your assignment, and try letting this blossom into its own project? It's pretty obvious that your instructor wants you to write a paper on the nature of being human. You can take it literally for a laugh and write a paper about a fictional pony becoming human, but it isn't what you're being asked to do. I think you're being asked to come up with something a bit more existential than this, and I also think that without the thousand word limit you could allow this to become the story it ought to be.
In short, while this is a cute idea, perhaps you should worry about how it might affect your grade? If your instructor is lenient, they may let it slide, but if I were grading this I think I'd mark you down for misunderstanding the assignment. Just something to think about.
309249 Sorry to trouble you but this is just for a writing competition
309933
Ah. Well in that case, you can disregard my last comment. I was only speaking what was on my mind while under misinformation. Carry on, and be sure to both have fun and do your best!
Could have been good and could be good with a few minor alterations. You might want to give Lyra some more time in WWII, because that could work out brilliantly. You might also want to do the story about Pinkie sending her to Earth to a different point in History (an olympics maybe, to show human unity?) I just think that it has so much promise. Just because the competition asked for 1000 words doesn't mean you have to limit it on here. You can make it as long as you like!
If I were you I would take a good look at this story and think about what could be added to it. The skeleton structure is there, it just needs a touch more depth.
525060 the limit was 1000 words so I used 1000 words. It wouldn't have qualified otherwise.
528588 What I meant was that you could edit the story to be longer on here. You had to hand in a 1000 word story for the assignment, but that could change when you post the completed version on here.
I liked it and it gives a point Y do we have to destroy each other? Y cant we all just be friends?