Twilight and Spike both re-awake, to find something strange next to them! What is everpony else going to think, finding human versions of themselves, and being in a human version of their home?
Chapters (1)
Gijake1
Joined 9th Feb, 2012 ·
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Curious, tracking. Now, go on...
P.S. First
hi this seems pretty good
needs moar spike. jk but this is interesting and will track
312981
Yeah. Spike and Human Spike are going to have their own adventures while the others are trying to figure out what happen. So there will be PLENTY of Spike and his human doppelganger.
Sweet!
The formatting is a little... strange and there's a lot of telling instead of showing; in other words, this is riddled with short sentences. You could have, and should have, expanded more upon the situation. Also, why are you calling the human's hair styles "manes"? Humans have haircuts, ponies have manecuts; that definitely needs attention. The punctuation and grammar could use some touching up on as well.
Also:
She instantly knew it was a human.
How the heck does that work? Details are required here. You have an interesting concept with a lot of room to work with, but this needs some editing. This doesn't warrant my thumb.
Cheers
~Cosmic.
313038
Thanks for the criticism!
Well, I guess I should have explained some stuff some more. I called it manes, because, ponies don't really use the word "hair" so, I thought we should do this through a more pony perspective. Thirdly, I'll see what I can do with the grammar, I'm still building up my writing skills.
Quadruple, Well, I should really edit the story and put this in. Twilight just happened to read a book on mystical creatures in Equestria, and humans happen to be in the so called book. It clicked in her mind when she saw the human her.
Now, I should add that to the story.
It's ok i guess, but work on who's point of view it is, I'm getting confused
Does 'it' mean the ponies, or the human's, plz explain
But it's good!
313061
Eeyup. "It" means the ponies perspective. I should have probably said that in the desc...
I agree with Cosmic. Some of the details need some work. However overall I am interested in this story and I would like to see more. I wonder what kind of shenanigans will arise because of the humans/ponies appearance.
i demand a perspective on Lyra.
313076
Yeah, details are going to improve over time, if not, my username is not Gijake1!
Anywho, I am going to probably suspect some will be confused, because there are two pairs of one character, so the only way to identify is to call one a human, and the other the original. I should of gave the humans different names, but I wanted a real challenge.
313095
Don't worry, Lyra and Bon-Bon will be getting their own parts.
313107
i smell Human-flavored bon-bons
Before this all gets a little confusing, does this story take place in the Pony-version of Equestria or the Human-version of Equestria?
313121
Human version. I'm going to add that to the desc. now.
Interesting premise! Tracked, and I'll throw some thumbs at my screen.
I'd recommend making scenes a bit longer. The reactions were certainly pretty fun, but you don't want the story to jump all over the place. Take some time in the next chapter to get to know the characters and how they interact.
Good work!
313178
Yeah, I was worried I jumped around too much... The intro was supposed to show reactions, and now that we have groups, the story wont be jumping around every five seconds.
I'm also glad you enjoyed it!
"While she was inspecting the stick for a moment. The creature quickly grabbed her by the legs and picked her up."
I think that might be better off as a single sentence.
313210
Thanks. Fix'd!
313185
Interesting...
Oh, and i could totally call why the Manmeri attacked first
A. Is it scary?
- Yes
Hit it!
B. Is it too scary and is it obvious that you're going to die if you scare it?
- Yes
Run away like a little girl!
I do say, this is intriguing.
My confustion and intrest, have it all.
Confusing and interesting, I love it....Damn you saints row 3 for your stupid puns!
I would love to see Lyra's reaction to finding a human version of her in her bed. She'd probably explode (twice) from happiness. As has been mentioned your writing is a little shaky and sentence structure could use some work, but it isn't a deal breaker as the idea is interesting. I look forward to seeing where this goes.
Looks good, no real criticism that has not been said before. Scenes are a bit too short, and the whole "there are talking horses/humans in my bed" problem seemed to get resolved pretty quick.
Tracking, and watching where this goes.
Hm... a tiny bit confusing the way you worded it in some places, but all in all, nice job so far. You've got one more tracker.
312983
thats coo. will we be expecting any shipping in this or no?
314944
Maybe friend-shipping, but that's it.
315108
ok thats cool
Seems interesting. Aside from this, "Ponies One Half", and one other fic, I haven't seen much fics involving the MLP cast involving both regular and human ("Ponies One Half" is where the Mane Six fall into a cursed lake and turn into humans).
Looks good so far, mate. Hope to see more.
Sorry for the lack of constructive criticism, but I... honestly have no idea what to say
.
a>run update.exe
609130
>running update.exe....
>Failed. Find problem?
Y/N.
"Y"
>Searching for problem...
>Problem found!
>Author is too lazy.
nice story. I like it but you were going to fast foward. the reactions of each of the characters were to small. sure the humans reaction was good but that the mane 6 know what a human is is just ruining it all.
still want to see were this goes.
610030 >Activate 'Character Reboot'
>Giant boot kicks Computer
Did it work?