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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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...This is so much better then the original. Even if died, I would rather this be the real end to what Pinkie was doing. Great job so far.
Very interesting, I have to admit I would have liked it more if lived and it had been about her interaction with Dash afterwords, but having read all you have written so far I really like it. good work.
Alright, with all the recent hubbub around you trying to get this on EqD and me being a (currently on leave) pre-reader, I decided to give this fic a shot. In the spirit of things, I reviewed it as a pre-reader would. Generally with longer fics like this the pre-reader will read the first chapter thoroughly and, provided they liked what they saw, skim the rest for content/glaring issues.
Well I've read the first chapter now and here are my notes.
Lots of grammar issues. Run on sentences, misuse of the word “and”, no commas where there should be commas, commas where there shouldn’t be commas, awkward wording and bad flow…
Cut down on the number of adjectives you’re using, a lot of them aren’t necessary. Also, there is such a thing as the Law of Conservation of Detail. You put a lot of focus on the knives that were on the table Pinkie crashed into but nothing ended up happening with them. If you introduce a detail like that, it should be important to what’s going on.
Two lines of all caps are a horrible way to indicate a scene change. You could have incorporated it into the next paragraph after a hard line or something. Reading on, even the indication of the passage of time was completely unnecessary. You aren’t writing an episode of 24. It happens again in the next time skip. You tell us it’s seven hours later and then start the next paragraph with “The next morning…” One of those two is a good indication of time passing, the other isn’t. Having both is bad writing.
More adjectives and adverb abuse.
The ER is the emergency room. Last I checked, they allowed friends in the ER. It’s the OR that kicks people out when it’s time for surgery.
“…immediately noticed what they were all afraid she'd notice.” This is a good example of the awkward wording in this fic.
If Rainbow Dash had really been through as much trauma as is described here, she wouldn’t be in any shape to go throwing herself into hugs like that. It would be a pretty damn painful experience.
Dash’s headdress from the Gala wasn’t a tiara. It was a variation on a laurel crown, one designed to curve down around the ears rather than across the forehead.
Protégé has accents over the e’s
Your dialogue is rather ham-fisted. Granted, this is an extreme situation but for some reason I’m not getting a lot of Dash or Fluttershy when either of them talk.
Shouldn’t Dash be on some kind of pain medication? Even a couple of days later, those wounds are going to hurt like hell.
2/5, not ready for posting. Even if the "No Cupcakes Rule" (which is kind of silly, I'll admit) did not exist, this would not be suitable for posting.
I'll also post this to your DA entry that I already left a comment on.
Okay, wow, the wonderbolt costume gave me a very strong emotion and I felt like I might have been about to cry. I didn't, but the urge was there. "Touching" is the only way I could describe it, and I don't think I've ever read or watched or experienced anything that would make me use that word unironically before.
Bravo, dear author, bravo.
I love this! (In the most sane way possible) I enjoyed the original Cupcakes, but I like this a lot.
I think it would have been interesting if didn't die, but you've done a pretty good job so far.
The only real problem I have is the huge amount of grammar mistakes.
But overall, I [b LOVE IT!
I prefer this over the original without a doubt in my mind. It's actually a story.
oh god, this story is amazing! and this is the only first chapter!!!! Im happy died, I WISH THIS WAS THE RAL ENDING OF CUPCAKES! Ok, im gonna make myself think this is the real endin
on second thought, it ould be kinda intresting if didnt die......but im enjoyin this story more Than Cupcakes (WAY MORE) cause i loved cupcakes, but i love this story more!
I'm with Nathan on this one--RD is out of the hospital a few days after being flayed alive? Not a chance. That right there is months of recovery and years of physical therapy.
This isn't bad enough to make me stop reading right away, but unless you really impress me with how you change things up in later chapters, this story will keep the "Thumbs Down" rating.
I already know this story, but I'm just reading it again. And I cried.. again...
Think this piece of art is just that; a piece of art!
308503 yeah, have her taunting presence lurking in the shadows, screwing with her at points in horrifying ways.
I'm glad to see a good story could rise from that crap story cupcakes.
I'm glad you chose to end Pinkie. Fast.
I actually wish that was still alive so she could b all creepy.
I've read this on onother site but I'm gonna re-read it anyway
Not gonna give any Spoilers
First, let's start on a positive note. The idea is GREAT, and It's fairly well executed here.
However, there are some significant problems.
Nathan already pointed out how the dialogue didn't evoke the characters properly, and personally I feel that Rarity and Fluttershy got the worst. (You may have gotten Rarity's personality down, but she has a very distinct way of speaking, that is noticeably lacking.) I also agree that Rainbow Dash's recovery was unrealistically fast, considering what she went through. I understand that this story is supposed to concentrate on how Rainbow Dash deals with the trauma and tries to adjust to a life without wings, but there is nothing wrong with condensing a few weeks/months of recovery into a few paragraphs.
Finally, my biggest problem with this entire story so far (and why I decided to comment, since no-one has mentioned it) is the mane 6's reaction to Pinkie Pie. Partly what she did, but at least that was mentioned (though, it was so brief it seems inadequate). No, my biggest problem is how nopony seems to react to the fact that Pinkie Pie is dead. It doesn't matter what she did, they're going to have a hard enough time believing she did those things in the first place. They should all be devastated that she's dead, and Applejack should be wracked with guilt for killing her. Instead, everypony in ponyville seems to be of the mindset that if somepony does something bad and was killed because of it, the only thing anypony should feel is relief that they are dead.
I'm sorry, but we all know Ponyville and especially the mane 6 far too well from the show, for any of us to really believe that anypony would react like that. I know I'm WAY late in commenting about this, but unfortunately, it was all I could really think about throughout the story, ever since Applejack killed Pinkie Pie:
"Whoa. She's dead. Huh-? Applejack didn't even bat an eye at that. Strange... Well, I suppose she's already in enough shock, can't really add more to it. Besides, it makes sense for her to prioritize getting Rianbow Dash to the hospital. I'm sure the others will react appropriately."
"Ok, explanations done. I wonder how they will react to Rainbow Dash being tortured by Pinkie Pie, and Applejack killing Pinkie. Huh-? What?! Nothing? Just a 'why'?! Everypony in Ponyville is wondering 'why', Twilight. She was one of your best friends, don't any of you feel sad at this tragic loss of life, especially of such a close friend, who clearly needed psychological help? Ok, whatever, maybe they're all too shocked and worried about Rainbow Dash. I guess...this story is going to concentrate on her more than anypony else? Oh yeah, she doesn't even know Pinkie's dead. I wonder how she'll react. Conflicted, would be my guess"
"Oh good, Rainbow Dash is asking about Pinkie Pie. Here we go. Huh? What the-? What?! That was even less than when we were supposed to get 5 ponies reaction to one their closest friends being dead! What the hay!? What's wrong with these ponies?! How can they immediately condemn and detach themselves from one of their best friends, to the point where they actually seems happy about her death?! Did they all hate her guts in secret?!"
"No, I'm sorry, but these are not the ponies from the show, nor anyone else I have ever know of. No-one is that cold and detached. Unless we get a chapter's worth of a funeral, where her 5 friends and family collapse in greif, disbelief, confusion, and despair, hating themselves for not realizing that she had some serious mental problems that allowed her to torture and kill, I'm not buying it."
I'm a fan of sequels or stories that deal with the consequences of an action. The fact this looks at how Dash could recover from such a traumatic event is very interesting. The beginning chapters are lacking in the characters reactions to what Pinkie did. Most of it is "Pinkie murdered and baked everypony into cupcakes? why?" and that's it.
But The Journal of the Cupcake Killer is truely brilliant, and the other chapters after the first 4 are well done. if anything, I'd suggest re-writing the first chapter or making The Journal of the Cupcake Killer a stand alone story. People who read the first few chapters might decide to stop reading, before they reach the part of your story that is amazing.
FINALLY! SOME GODDAMN CLOSURE FOR THAT GOD FORSAKEN STORY CUPCAKES!!
I read this book in class today http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Y52qLQCod4Y/SYNWEb1vB7I/AAAAAAAAAAM/q4FWL9mTYhg/s320/the+name+jar.jpg
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Kaiden, you always find the amazing stories before me.
I mean, its so amaaaazing...
Amaaaaazing..
2171072 YEAH
Well this just hit me straight in the feels.
So pinkie is dead?
what if the elements of harmony need to be used again? we all saw what happened in the return of harmony without rainbow dash present...
I never did like pinkie pie. But I am not happy that she died.
I need more new story :eeyup
This story, in one word, Powerful. I thought this would be an uplifting tale of rejoice... but to my rather skeptical anticipation, this was even better! I cringed at certain times such as when Fluttershy was taking her Wonderbolt-related items and gala dress from her home (the reason clicked immediately and I felt a feeling of sorrow) and when RD walked 2 mi to AJ's home. Overall, this story is extremely good (sofar) and I excitedly read on!
5 / 5 stars
It clearly stated that she only stayed at the hospital for about 2-3 days, but when they all arrive at the Ponyville Inn, it says that word was spreading about rainbow being back after mysteriously disappearing for months...Sorry, but for some reason that made zero sense, and bugged me. If you could clear that up, that would be great.
I admire your intentions with this and like what you're trying to do. The problem is, this leaves the impression of being what I like to call a "revenge fic" although that's a very harsh way to put it since it implies an animus towards the author of the work you're responding to. What I mean by the term is that it comes across as a fic that was written to "fix" problems with another fic and turn a result you disagree with into one that fits your ideal. I know what writing such fics are like; I've written several of them although I've never had the boldness and courage to place them up for public consumption. For me, this explains all the mistakes and ham-fisted nature: Rainbow Dash being murdered by her psychopathic friend and turned into cupcakes didn't sit right, so along came a great idea: rescue Rainbow, give Pinkie her just deserts, and create this nice bittersweet fic about a crippled Rainbow learning to cope with her new life with the loving support of her friends and one in particular. As I said, I admire your intentions and like what you're trying to do. I just wish it'd been written with slightly more emotional distance and come out slightly cleaner.
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Over the past month, ponies were starting to disappear, Rainbow Dash was the only one of those ponies who escaped.
I never thought that cupcakes would have a sequel.
Oh well. At least you got rid of pinkie at the start of it.
That sounds fucking horrible, doesn't it?
Hum.
The pacing is quite fast. And you never mention they way each character speaks. They just 'say', and sometimes not even that.
That being said...I am enjoying it. I just hope those flaws get solved as the chapters go on.
I like it so far.
That being said, you can definitely see how your writing has grown and evolved since this was written.
wow this was amazing and it made me very close to crying, great job
i also now almost cried even more from hearing rumors of ace2401 supposedly dying so i wish you the best of uck in life and thank you for the amazing story
sorry meant luck not uck
May someone else create spin-off stories like this one: well writen, great plotline, and great character interaction (albeit the first couple of paragraphs).
Oh i haven't read cupcakes and don't want to but I THINK i like this better than i would cupcakes. those emoticons pretty much sum up what i think most cupcakes reactions are
But...wouldn't Dash need a lot more time in the hospital than that? I mean, she was like, almost dead. I've read other fanfictions where similar things happen to characters, but they stay in the hospital for a while. I don't think it's as easy as that to just like, be taken out of the hospital that soon, what with the mental and physical trauma she's suffering.
That said, this is my third time reading this fanfiction, and I really love it!
'cupcakes' was a nightmare. i kept pausing in fear because of how gruesome the story was. *shudder**shudder*
Elecrocution kills you however shocked is the right term
6117731 yes it is wrong you need to find professional help
Wubcake did a reading of this
It came out really well.
Webcake Audio Reading (A Precious Rainbow)
move down a line.
____________
I
__________
'ah >> I
___________
I'm
_______________
This is like my fourth or fifth time re-reading this. I was my first ship fic, and I think my fourth or fifth fanfic I've ever read. Way back in 2012. It still ranks as one of my favorite fanfics on the site ^_^.
Both this and Fractured Loyalty Series are great works.
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I'm on my fourth, or fifth time re-reading this. It's good, but yeah that scene happened a bit fast.
Not big surprise.
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/373805.gif
Appledash 4 life
"Yo Rainbow dash, ya alright?" (I'm sorry)
Sorry Rainbow, damnit Pinkie Pie.
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That was AJ saying those things correct? If so then no you're wrong AJ is a Texan so she talks in a Texan accent.
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Rarity (along with Fluttershy) is stressed. I'm sure she would forego her usual poshness to talk normally every now and then.