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Rarity is dead, Twilight is dying. Applejack in need, Fluttershy crying. Pinkie Pie is trapped. They are all in need of me. Rainbow Dash. But I am not as strong as I let on. I must help though.
I must save my friends.
(Note: There are more characters than those listed, because I couldn't fit them all...)
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*clap clap clap* good starter but no more rarity
p.s. i could not bare her ascent
AJ:
Me: WHAT?
This could definitely be something interesting, but there are quite a number of things that need to be fine-tuned and possibly even re-written.
In some stories, a quick jump into the action is plausible. You make it so, but the explanation is hurled at us so quickly that it loses all of it's momentum and power. Spend a little more time building up the action by describing the scenery and state of the ponies before you dive into it. What you really want to avoid in a situation like this is explaining everything in one sentence and just moving on, which is what you do:
POW! I have whiplash from being hit by that plot point! Slow it down, maybe have it be pieced together from dialogue or thoughts.
Most of the dialogue is in character, but some of it is extremely boring and unnecessary. Skip the part about Pinkie and AJ making food, the audience doesn't really care. The only other anomaly that I can see is this tidbit:
Yes. Rainbow Dash likes to be cool. But saying the very word 'cool' is what completely destroys it for the scene. Try something else, like 'exciting' there.
Then we have the big reveal. All the ponies who have been embarrassed or smote by the mane six descend from an inexplicably colorful insta-tornado. I'm sure this sounded good in your head, and maybe even looked good in your imagination, but it's pretty garish. If you're going to go this route, you need more of a build. Yes, they all hear rumbling thunder, but is that it? No, it wouldn't be! How about wind speeds that threaten to sweep them off the ground? How about the prickly feeling of electricity making every hair attempt to stand on end as it courses through their bodies? Do it!
The rest is grammar and editing stuff, which I'd be happy to do if you wish. But I just feel the need to tell you that YOU SPELLED PINKIE WRONG FOR THE LATTER HALF OF THIS CHAPTER! That is going to chase away readers like you have never seen. Fix it before someone else calls you on it.
Anywho, I suppose that is all.
Your ratings, sir/madame:
Execution: 5/10
Style: 7/10
Grammar/phrasing: 3/10
Overall: 5/10
Aww, it's really sad... I can barely stand to read about a pony dying. That said, it's a very interesting idea and could turn out to be a great story.
I'd spend more time talking about the other ponies' emotions if it's to be a sad story- I mean, the hopelessness and frustration at a seemingly empty and uncaring world has to be worth mentioning!
Keep at it! :]
Rarity is dead(
), Twilight is dying(
). Applejack in need(
), Fluttershy crying(
).
Dude, read it like a song way. In poem way. It rhymes!
3389663 WHOA! Your the first person to identify what was going on in my head when I typed that
so cool!
3393761 Can I read mind?
3394058 probably
Or you are just like me, which would be cool, and we would get along well
3394075 maybe
Great plot! I love it!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to ask what was your fav of mine stories
I like it si far but u shuld revive rareity jyst have cellestia do sumthin lol but ple more of this its cool (and a rareity revive pls!!)
Well...this story has an interesting plot, but it's too rushed for me. The action is too fast, not letting the reader sink into the story. There needs to be more detail added, and don't be afraid to drag a scene out--just don't make it too long. That will allow the reader to imagine the world they're in, and give a bit inside to the plot.
I also noticed a few things that doesn't make much sense to me:
If they're in a cave, how is there grass? Now I don't live in a cave, but when I see a cave in movies or stories, I never seen/heard of grass being in there. This makes me feel like they had pointed out a cave, then just laid down in the middle of the road instead of going inside. Also, adding more detail to the cave wouldn't hurt.
Woah, woah! Didn't Dash just lie on a cloud? How is it cloudless? Was there--for some reason--only one cloud and Dash took it? What happened to the other clouds?
So, Dash only starts to attack when Twilight is hurt, but not when Rarity is killed, or Applejack and Pinkie are frozen? This doesn't seem right to me. We've seen that Dash attacks without thinking or waiting unless someone is holding her down.
So Dash leaves the rest of her friends to their deaths after taking their elements? Yeah, no. She should have tried to rescue at least some of them with Fluttershy's help. Would she been able to do it? Probably not, but she should have still tried instead of abandoning them. She is the element of loyalty after all.
If Fluttershy is going to yell like this she should try to do something instead of just sitting there.
Also, why didn't Twilight try a spell? Instead of helping she just sat there like a sitting duck, and allowed her friends to suffer.
Now I've done this type of writing before when I first started--a lot of us probably have--so I know how it is. I suggest that you get an editor to help, like I did. Also look up a group called "Schools for new writers" if you hadn't already. They will help you improve your talent and your fanfics.
I can tell you'll have more interesting stories in the future, but they'll go unnoticed. Remember to practice, practice, practice.
good story
so far...
3462626>>3372720
There's honestly nothing I can say that hasn't already been covered by these two. seriously, you have some really good advice here. take it.
overall rating:
Congratulations, you committed 0 of the 7 mortal sins of writing MLP fanfiction!
This comment is brought to you by my new Weekly Watch... thing. If you appreciate my feedback then head on over and give it a look. maybe you'll like what I do.
3469764 And the mortal sins are...
3470755 That information can only be disclosed to those who commit them.
3479336 Lol
3479969 I'm serious. It makes my otherwise standard job a little more interesting.
Pretty good so far :D
3484561 Thx
3484561>>3364741>>3383925>>3394058>>3383925>>3430948>>3462046>>3462110>>3462626>>3462660>>3465098>>3469764
To whom it may concern...I HAVE A NEWW CHAPTER HECK YES!
So far it looks like this is going to be a great story! I can't wait to see more of Big Mac in the future, and because I have the habit to ship I hope to maybe see some light MacDash.
Keep up the great work!
awsome than awsome!
WHY DO I HAVE TO READ THESE SO QUICK! AHH
While I have my complaints about spelling and grammar, the plot and pacing are good so far. Keep going.
+1 Like
+1 Approval
When shall the next chapter be out my fair RedRaven?
3590442 I dont know, I am still hard at work on it
Thank you for killing Rarity
3926858 Your welcome
3926858 It had to be done
The same way you defended it for 1000 years without them