I commit acts of great evil so that which is good may flourish. I am shunned to the darkness and from there I stand vigil, ready to damn my soul to see the light take hold.
After a scroll regarding a mysterious stranger arrives on Mayor Mare's desk, a new resident moves in to Ponyville. What makes this new stallion in town so mysterious is not so much his manner but his lack of a cutie mark. But perhaps the lack of a message... is a message in itself?
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There are a few grammatical and formatting errors in it, mostly having to do with speech and thought. The thoughts should be either without quotation marks and italicized or just without quotation marks, that way the reader doesn't get confused. Also, even if the thought is from the same person, speach needs it's own paragraph. taking these into account:
Should actually have been:
or
Besides a few other small errors though, I'm intrigued so far so I'll follow it. I hope you have fun writing it
You had my attention already at the cover and the prologue doesn't reveal much so....
im waiting for an update
lol ... just auteur lol
Loving the story so far.
The story's looking good. There are only a few small grammar issues (wrong wording every so often) but the story altogether is looking really good. I'm also really liking the character and can't wait for more of a back story on him. You're doing great!
I may be forced to make this guy my new favorite OC.
3779468
I'm glad you like him I took a whole month to come up with him and his back story for why he acts and does the things he does. I cant wait till you get to that part of the story once I put it out and cant wait to see what you think of him.
3779626 Cool.
Same problems with speech in this one as there were in the first chapter but I'm loving the story! mlp.bartstuff.eu/mlp-brohoof.png
I can't wait to see where this story actually goes. Also, I wouldn't be surprised ir Rarity found ahis appearance (for lack of a better word) regal, if the pic insert is anything to go by.
3785228
Well I hope you will be happy to know that I finally managed to get some to agree to proofread/edit my story. they will be working on it tomorrow and I should have the revised version up soon.
3785369
That should be awesome!
Cool cool!
well i am enjoying your style a lot now! there is tremendous improvement indeed!
i like hoe the atmosphere is created and that Mayor Mare seems to be a character of focus in this story. overall its in interesting start with an effective hook, i look forward to more!
3834680
we thank you greatly but the credit goes to Freelancer. I just made the skeleton for the story, the writing is all his. Though he has been helping me to do better, once I let out my other story I hope you like it and can see how much I have improved.
Mmh pretty good story so far.
STOP CRIMINAL SCUM he never paid for his rolls
I'm really liking this, though I would have thought the hybred would have hiden it a little more. That and I'm looking foreword to the rest o the story. But um, what makes this a mature story? Also how often do you plan on updating it?
3838873
it is rated mature because of language and because there might be a clop seen later on. we have yet to come to an agreement if there will be clop or not. im going to try to get it updated once every two weeks but it really depends on how much Freelancer gets done. also hiding his appearance what good enough for us we thought that having him show his power would give us a lot of room to play with. you will see what I mean in later chapters.
Pretty good so far. Xarzith is an interesting character. I've played around with half-dragon ponies myself quite a bit in one of my previous stories.
I see we have the same artist, as well. 2135D did my cover art as well. th02.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2013/356/1/7/children_of_chaos_by_shirotora_cover_by_eztp-d6ywdyk.png
As well as a chapter pic that'll be appearing later.
P.S. The first paragraph in this chapter is repeated. Just thought you should know.
3842847
I love kirins in all the lore I've dug up they are by far my favorite of the dragon half breeds. Yes 2135D is a very awesome artist and he has done the cover art and character art for both my stories you can see them all on my page and his deviant art page. I don't think I could have picked a better artist to work on my story art. Thank you for pointing out the first paragraph was repeated I don't see how I missed that.
A h ok, this is a great story though>>3839343
I'm liking this story but one comment: remove the 4th wall breaking pinkie pie comment. It serves not purpose other than to pull the reader out of the story by reminding them they are READING a story. If a reader becomes aware, you're not doing something right. The only reason you have for that line is: because it's Pinkie Pie and that is a lousy reason for inputting something into a story like this.
Found some things you may want to edit.
I think that should be, "ain't it a" instead of "ain't a".
And I think that should be "tight-lipped". Also, Twilight is consistently called a unicorn when previous chapters stated that she was an alicorn.
Great chapter, but a barn is a storage building not something you live in. That's still called a house, even on a farm. Trust me, I'm a country boy.
3908889 Thank you and I know im a country boy to im not the one that wrote the chapter and it is being fixed.
3909623 It's a minor thing, anyway, and doesn't take away from the quality of the story.
3910960 thank you that's nice of you to say but it is something I wanted to fix
Nice little slice of life chapter. Can't wait for more.
Troubles a brewin for Ice.
Actually, I've been wondering about that possibility too, if he was related to Sombra.
4116864 his mother is a dragones
....
4117325 And it's possible Sombra's was too. Perhaps they're cousins or even brothers considering how long dragons live.
Great chapter, as always. Keep up the good work.
4118030 true though I always counted that to his use of dark magich and other things he did to strenghten himself...
4117325 Sounds fun
I think most of us have a good idea what he really is
*Looks at cover image* "I have no idea what his secret could be and this will definitely not destroy any trust or respect he has for you by simply snooping and being disrespectful to his privacy," he says dropping enough sarcasm to fill a lake.
sooo when can we has more
Soon my friend, Soon!
Welp he's screwed
Lol, just wait till she funds out the truth
Really? THAT'S what makes him mysterious/strange, not the fact that he looks literally half dragon and half pony, and not in the hybrid type way.
4292053 When everypony sees him in the story so far he look like a normal uniron with a curved horn they don't know he's a kirin yet.
I think twilight is gonna have a repeat of the pinkie keen episode...oh boy
Twilight...
Aaaaaaannnnnnnd that's about all I can say about that...
4292108 does that elixir he drinks act like a shape-changing spell then? Also, nice addition.
4856901 he is not suppose to. what makes you think he looks like a girl?
4857678 ok I will give you that but at least we all know he is a guy
4858280 my fellow writer Freelancer is currently busy with UNI and not able to help work on the next chapter. we are trying are hardest to get it out but with my messed up work hours and his UNI it's going a little slow.