A family, broken apart
A filly, traumatized
One colt, with no memory
And a secret that may bring pain to it's holder
Zephyr EarthWing begins his travels in search of a place that will accept his presence, with his first stop from Manehatten being Ponyville, and to escape what damage his secret has caused. Convinced that friendship is nothing more than a word, he subconsciously pushes all who attempt to befriend him away. But will he finally realize the true value of friendship? or will he ultimately break the heart of the pony who has a connection to his past?
Sweet Celestia i suck at summaries and descriptions. anyways this is my first story in fimfiction, and i hope it won't be too disappointing.
first of all; thank you contodaslasganas for helping me and giving me advice for beginning my story.
Second; all characters used in this story, save for my OC's and some of the storyline, is copyrighted Hasbro. also, any songs that i may potentially use belong to their perspective owners. I own nothing but my OC.
Thirdly; any comments or suggestions, positive or negative, are highly requested. I wish to make my first story as good as it can be.
Special thanks to 1 sp34k numb3r for editing my chapters (Chapter 22 and on)
Also, If you would like to make an enhanced/better cover art, it would be greatly appreciated.
Not too bad. A little bit rushed, needs a an editor BADLY. Also, Zephyr Earthwing...yea no.
6.5 out of 10.
Your OC name is very interesting to say the least. There are a few errors in capitalisation and like Sparkers said, it is a bit rushed, but not to the point of tripping over one's own eyelids. I am interested to know more about Zephyr's past. I shall favourite this to see where it goes.
4262854
i wasn't really expecting that high of a mark from anyone, honestly. and yeah i will be needing an editor, i get grammar-blind sometimes
4263039
I will admit that it was rushed (starting at 12 am and finishing at 4 am really does not work out...
)
Thank you very much for the favorite! i'll try not to disappoint with future chapters
Interesting... I have to say, this is a good start.
But capitalize, please! You should always capitalize I and the first word of each sentence. Second, you are missing apostrophes in the word where's. Please proofread your work again!
Also, I would not recommend the use of a larger font size to show yelling. I mean, there is a reason you don't see that in published books... And underlined text. On rare occasion, it fits. But I feel it is unnecessary here.
I'm sorry, but that is a horrible color scheme! The colors don't match at all in my head.
But it's just personal opinion though.
4263616
yeah i tried to capitalize all my I's and whatnot, but doing it late a night, you kinda miss a few things
as for the increased font size, while i won't be using larger fonts for the rest of the story, the prologue is basicly a severely fragmented memory, so it is somewhat emphasized. guess its unnecessary...
as for the colour scheme, I can somewhat see where you are coming from. it didn't look too bad to me, but will changing the mane colour to an orange help?
Not bad, a few pacing issues and some funky grammar, but overall a decent fic.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4607821
Thanks. As it is my first fic, any tips on fixing pacing issues? (Grammar issues are something only i can solve... if i can even do that
)
4610547 You would have to talk to a better man than I for that. I am terrible at anything that isn't in letter, journal, article, ect format.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
Doing something overused that isn't funny and then pointing out you're doing the overused thing does not make it funny and it breaks the reader out of the story and requires the reader to spend a large amount of time getting back into the story to the point where they forget about over analizing everything thus being less forgiving for mistakes. I write this now because 4th Pinkie Pie for no reason hurts stories and this is both the second time you've done it and it's egregious.
Ok here's a more thorough critique of the story than my one original comment from the one chapter. First off you're story is one that both intrigues me and has numerous issues that turn me off. First, you want some type of pre-reader or reading the chapter backwards once (ie sentence by sentence or paragraph by paragraph) to catch the very simple typos and other errors (such as a missing end quotation mark).
You're story has a pacing problem but the source of that problem is a bigger problem with numerous scenes within your story. You forgot to ask yourself why you were adding things. I have to ask why you decided to tie this story into the episodes of the show. By doing so you have limited your story significantly and are forced to have things happen that neither advance the plot, the protagonist, or the relevant portions of the setting. I'll point to the most recent chapter, chapter 12. The first half of the story is a rehash of "Bird in Hoof" with absolutely nothing relevant to our protagonist happening. Nothing relevant happens until the conversation between Celestia and the Mayor. That's a lot of wasted words that don't serve any real purpose. You're goal with every scene is that it should serve more than one purpose.
Another point along the same lines of not asking why is the addition of certain language. In a novel or any form of published writing have you seen someone describe the situation in terms of "dawww?" Further, why add things like fourth wall breaking Pinkie Pie which so far has served no purpose to the story other than having fourth wall breaking Pinkie Pie. I could point to other instances but the point still stands. For further help with you're writing, I'd recommend listening to Writing Excuses as they cover, in earlier seasons, items such as making sure a scene serves more than one purpose and why.
Another issue tied into the pacing is your lack of direction and focus. We seem to have unrelated scenes and rehashes of what has happened sometimes (example of the protag listing his current standing with everyone) and having some scenes that advance neither character nor plot nor relevant setting. I say relevant setting both times because advancing time relative to the episodes of the show isn't relevant as it doesn't directly affect the main character most of the time to the point where you are wasting words by bothering to reference and tie into the show.
4812126
The protagonist part of this is actually deliberate, though I may have been a bit too vague on that detail, and for that I apologize.
Said protagonist isn't contributing much because he feels that 'less interaction equates to a lower chance of becoming attached to anypony else'. I'll be sure to go into more detail as to why he's like that in the future. Having a more... modified version of the canon episodes will be more of a focus after this point in time, outside of more original chapters.
Other than that, I feared such issues with my story would pop up sooner or later. After all, trying to get the personalities of the official cast down, especially Pinkie Pie, is a bit unnerving for me.
The D'aww part was my attempt at a cute moment, though while it seems cute to me personally, I guess it came off as more cringe-worthy to other people like yourself.
The protag listing current standings is another example of his paranoia, though I guess once again, I was being too vague about it.
I'll be sure to check out Writing Excuses to see how I can improve at all.
Though one thing I'm curious about. Taking my stupidity with some of my writing into account, along with how thorough you were with your critique, Why did you fav me regardless of it all? I know you said it intriques you, but for some odd reason it confuses me.
4812734
I think I just realized another issue that may be a partial cause of the bad pacing and general dissatisfaction I have with the protagonist to a certain degree. By the nature of his creation he is very non-proactive and that means that he is only reacting which makes for a normally less interesting character for an audience. We like characters who want to do or go for something (that's a positive version. Avoiding something is NOT doing something or NOT wanting something and therefore not something that is generally preferred).
4813062
He WILL become more proactive in the future. Not saying anything specific, but I kinda had it in mind for 'character development'. Course it may have been a bit too much, and using the whole mood-swing excuse again would just come off as lame...
What to do...
Umm, was reading this chapter and this phrase stuck out as off...
Umm, I prefer the ponified version of this statement that I've seen before of "Speak of Discord and he doth appear" as referencing the devil feels off for the MLP universe as their haven't been any direct biblical references or indication of THE devil.
Edit: Ok, more notes. First off, why does he reference as the concert in Manehatten? Is there only one concert in the city of Manehatten. Most places have multiple places for concerts and even places that have only one main stage have concerts happening in series close to each other in order to maximize money. The implication here confuses me.
I can't think of anything else offhand right now but an interesting setup chapter anyway. I still wonder what the backup plan is because if they take him, he has enough connections that him disappearing would cause huge problems. There would be a manhunt with foul play suspected. Especially with a mother like his who could spend the money for information and hiring private detectives to look into things. Now that he has some connection to the Elements of Harmony and, through them, the princesses, and you have me asking: why the hell is he worth all that hassle and danger? It sounds like whatever they plan will either kill him or enslave him which will give them whatever your Equestria's maximum penalty is.
4842910
Oops, how did I forget about that!
I'll get that fixed.
Guess my own personal seclusion kinda leaked into my story in terms of concerts. I've never been to one, so I kind of took some shots in the dark with that. I might be able to fix that in later chapters with more exposition, but I can tell doing so will make my story weaker overall...
In terms of the 'shady' group, recall in Chapter 8 part 2, they can silence the more prominent officials minus the princesses themselves, as the royal guard seems to always answer to them. Such private detective channels could very well be overridden if the princesses are not alerted of it.
Also keep in mind that, because of his previously self-inflicted isolation, His own personal contacts are extremely limited. There is still 'that one mare' that he still considers a friend on top of the band, but that's about it. This would effectively leave only the elements as his only other connection.
This...is...AMAZING.
How did I not stumble across it sooner??? Definitly earns a couple thumbs up! Well done...You will have more, soon, right? RIGHT??? =D
nah, your not even close, at least for me. Too long for me is something like more than 20k words, and I'm still wondering how I read a story once that all its chapters were something like 40k a chapter
4856140
Thank you very much for your kind words! I'm just glad I made someone happy with my story
Any suggestions to make it even better? I'm always open to suggestions! (yay for repetition.
)
4856272
Dear Celestia, talk about the incarnation of Rapunzel, metaphorically speaking.
I originally wanted each chapter to be at least 2k, but while I'm starting to realize that too few words restricts more detail in a chapter, I didn't want anyone to get stuck with reading chapters that are too long on top of being a bit too long-winded.
Should my chapters be longer still? Or is around 3-4k works a fair length?
4856434 Hmmm.....well, I love your writing style...absolutely LOVE it...I say, develop more on that, and try using big words, yeah? Like, I think your sort of 'writing voice' (do you know what I mean? HOw each artist has their own style that makes it theirs?) would sound even more awesome if you tried a story with like, old English sorta structure and words....
Do you know what I mean? Just for a challenge, if you wanted one. :D
4856455
I'll definitely keep all that in mind. Admittedly, I am using words I usually don't use in my normal life, which I was afraid would take the reader out of the experience if I used too many... uncommon words.
I would have to research old english story structure and words in more depth if I'm to use it. Food for thought anyways.
I just realized I never answered your one question in your original comment. I do plan on continuing, though life might throw me some loose screws which will prevent me from working on it. Plus I'm thinking of starting another story, possibly a crossover. I'll make a blog about it when I get around to it.
Someone who wants to keep his secret a secret, leaves RIGHT AWAY. No please from mares, no giving a shit about the town, and someone who was betrayed from all his friends does not have other ones that are mentioned later in the story, that's it, i quit.
The problem with this "episode" is that you really didn't add any of your own twists to it. I could not read this and miss nothing because I've watched the real episode. That's a very bad thing. If you're basically going to do an almost perfect rehash of the episode my question is always this for the author: why should I read your story instead of just watching the episode? You've done better with good twists on other episodes (the spike running away and the interesting background reveal is the one that sticks the most in my head).
when will we find out what he is hiding under the bandages
5486902
Soon-ish... maybe.
SOOOOO!!!! amazing leaves me wanting more and more and etc, but amazing so far but i want to know whats under the bandages soo bad oh and another chapter please...?
5490676
Working on it now. I'll confess, I never expected have an excited comment like yours on my story.
Thanks for the invigoration
5494633 of course, its a good story
that cliff hanger grrr still amazing again!
Haven't finished chapter but composing this first part as of the line "as if she invaded your privacy." The problem: THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID. Being on a downward spiral of emotions and the cause being something private are not mutually exclusive. I only point this out because I don't like when people use this bad of logic without it being pointed out. I expected a line from the MC that that's exactly what she was doing. Also, good intentions may limit the punishment but there's a reason there's the saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
After Chapter: Interesting twist at the end. Otherwise the character seems to be in a nice spiral of abandonment issues and guilt issues. Although, I feel the guilt issues are unfounded. I also think you skimmed over too much at least some of the actual conversations that changed his mind because the ones I saw were invasive from essentially brand new acquaintances. If a person I knew for only a few days was invading my privacy I would be angry with her and I could easily argue I would be justified in my anger. There are deep seated issues that don't need to be discussed with a person I've barely known for a couple of days. Adding further onto that with the another of these people approaching me and acting like I'm in the wrong and using poor logic wouldn't change my opinion. It would prove what I already know: this guy barely knows me and is making assumptions about me.
5502619
First off, thanks for sticking with me despite not being the best writer in the site. I try and keep your criticisms in mind when I write chapters, often with mixed results.
That aside, while it's a bit late to be editing published chapters with more content outside of adding the (EDITED) tag as a brand new chapter, what would be your suggestions for filling in the conversational hole in the beginning? While I could attribute the whole:
I could pass this off as him originally being asocial outside of a close circle and therefore is unable to really identify issues like this, but I can tell that would be INCREDIBLY lazy on my part.
There was also my issue of attempting to avoid redundancy when I cut the rest of the convos out. There may have been ways to make each one seem unique in a sense, but I couldn't think any up.
... Sorry if it seems like I'm shoving work onto your plate.
More PLEASE?????
5582427
Loving your enthusiasm for this. Hope my story (or stories, as I'm considering starting another story or... five... I'm burying myself here
) continues to entertain you.
I'll be honest, I'm always nervous about uploading a new chapter because I can never gauge how negative people will react.
Ahh... don't let my petty worries bother you. just enjoy the story as it's uploaded, that's all I can ask for.
Just remember to point out things that might bug you.
I love the story the chapters seem slow to come out though...?
5603892
Keep in mind I have college to worry about, so chapter output will be slow. Plus, getting someone to edit your work is extra time as well
5604532 Makes sense... sorry if I seemed rude
5604913
It's fine. No harm done
5604968
You've definately improved since you started. If you need help (as in someone going through and fixing grammer/spelling errors) I can try.
5616635
Yeah my grammars a bit funky still and I figured out another one of my weaknesses; getting past and present tense mixed up. Like I said in the author's notes for chapter 21, I finally got the gall to ask my mom to look over my chapter for me, and I don't want to burden her with unnecessary work.
If you want to edit this story, I can give you the semi-finished chapter to look over before I publish it (unless you wanted to edit from the prologue onward, but I doubt you'd want that much on your plate). I don't want to force anything down anyone's throat, so...
I'm so awkward...
5616902
How do you plan on sharing it? (PM me)
More!!! ..please?.....
5651785
Maybe...
Okay I'll admit I was a bit lazy during reading week (and busy trying to get 100% in the first adventure map on Hyrule Warriors... that game takes forever and a half to 100% completely, DLC included). I'll keep working on it when I can, just remember I got a 2nd story on the go now.
P.S: glad to see another night owl like me
5651822 heh ok... and how is hyrule warriors?
5653204
It's a good game, just sucks I have bouts of laziness with it
5653337 dude I LOVE that game
5661033
It is pretty awesome. Who's your favorite character(s)?
Mines link(rod and gauntlets), Impa, Midna (both forms), Ganondorf, Ghirahim, Volga, and Young Link.
Much favorite, so good.
Can't wait for the next chapter
5671795 Agreed
5662758 me? I'm pretty good at Gannon cannon
mowr.... pwease?