Where am I, what happened, why does everything hurt?
A story about how sometimes when we hurt others we also hurt ourselves. Because physical pain isn't the only kind there is. For the life of me I've been trying to figure out how to improve this description but can't.
Message from the author
This is the first fanfiction I ever actually wrote and as such I sort of holds a little place in my heart. When I first wrote and posted this story is was very rough. (A first draft with little to no editing) Though to my surprise it met with a good reception. As such I decided to put more time into this story to truly make it shine as well as I can. Going back and fixing my mistakes, polishing out the rough bits, and some general revisions to help the story flow better. I do hope you enjoy this story and the work I put into it.
As of 12/01/2014 every chapter has been revised and edited to a new and (hopefully improved) version!
Even one scene from the first chapter has been cut out and moved to its own separate chapter.
I hope you enjoy this story as much as I did creating it.
I'd like to think my editors; sbloom85 and Kraken Hatchling for their help with this. You guys are awesome. An additional thanks to Leoshi for also pointing out and helping me fix errs that were missed.
Hm. Interesting.
Liked and favorited. Looking forward to see exactly where this goes.
You're grammar is also pretty good. I saw missing or incorrect punctuation in a few places and one spelling mistake, but as far as Fimfiction goes that's actually very good.
Interesting story. One grammar problem I found: while Rainbow Dash are two words, Fluttershy is one not two
Good job! I really like this and will be watching for more to come. There was a bit of grammatical error but more than most fanfics (reading it aloud helps with the editing process). It's an intriguing story that had me guessing one thing until the last line, then only more questions come bubbling up after that answer.
Its nice. But yeah, you get used to the 1000 word mark eventually. It can be tough at times.
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I blame the fact that I Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom are two word names and my brain decided that Fluttershy was also two seperate words when I was writing it. But Fixed.
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Would you believe that mixing up sight and site is something I do all the time.
You gotta love homophones!
I'm liking the view you're giving on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. I wonder what they were bullied for.
Whoa. I did NOT see that one coming.
I wonder how I would have reacted if accidentally did that? Hmmmmmmmmmm.
Called it. *flex*
This all seems very natural and in character to someone in shock. the only thing I don't get is why there aren't more likes.
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I'm just happy of the lack of dislikes: 5 - 0
Also, thanks.
I'll give it a shot, your grammar got better in this chapter too...
Something to improve on: The plural of 'minute' is 'minutes'
I've noticed that you have a habit of spelling it minuets. The spellcheck won't catch the error, so just keep a close eye on what you're typing.
Looks interesting so far. I like the way Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are written in this story. Too many fics like to write them off as heartless.
3371806 I shalt add to the like and favorite statistics.
Anyways really good chapter. I honestly have no clue what to type so I'll just type banana.
Banana
Wow TEN favs and NO DOWNVOTES (as of now)
Hmmm... I need to find a way to up my readership.
It's not that it is not as good as the others, its just very short. Seems to be a pattern lately for any story that updates. Maybe a lot of authors get nervous/excited in the winter? I have no idea lol, anyway MOAR!
I noticed three spelling mistakes but I'm on the phone so I can't help you.
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Well... As soon as you can please point them out to me. Thank you.
3393547 Didn't find 'em. Either you fixed them or I just read too fast will read one more time.
I'm not too sure but I think you meant; definitely. I not too sure though since I don't know what defiantly means.
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Hua... That IS the wrong word...
Had to Google it to make sure but yah, you're right
Definitely - Without Doubt
Defiantly - rebelliously
Now to fix it!
Love it.
Yes I know this is a short chapter but I didn’t want to draw it out more. I wrote what I felt needed to be written and nothing more.
Where is a sequel?!
This was so well written for a short story 
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Does it need a sequel?
I wasn't planning on one and at this time I feel as though it doesn't need one.
Though I am overly enjoyed that you liked my story.
But.. but...
SIGH
I suppose it doesn't, not everything needs a sequel, true. 3411862
I like it.
wow. I love how you worded the last parts. I can just see Scoots expression as she locks eyes with DT before 'not being there anymore'. That moment in time when anger takes over you and you can't think properly.
So far reading all this, it'd be super nice if you asked a proofreader to help you clean up the story a bit. Just so many typos and misspelled words throughout, doesn't stop me from enjoying it personally, but...You even have "Sliver" sounding like Twist for a bit there, as if she had a lisp.
Aside from that, this is a nice story so far. Hope you find time or someone to help clean things up.
EDIT: Feel free to ask Mudpony or Magerblutooth for help. They can assist and give you a quick list of issues.
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I am actually planning on getting a proofreader to go over this and maybe rewriting some bits at some point.
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A follow up would be interesting. If you'd like, I could help you out with the proofreading bit.
Other then a few grammatical flubs-- like "Hay" instead of "Hey" and "Leavened" isn't a word at all-- but I did enjoy the story and I think that it would be good in my Villainous Redemption Group.
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Now I'm wondering where the hell the word "Leavened" is in this story and what it was supposed to be. Also leavened is a word but I'm guessing my spell check threw it in there because I'm sure I never talked about baking bread during this story at all.
Just more reasons why I should eventually stop being lazy and go back and fix this story up more.
4512968 I think you should do a sequel after you rewrite, 'cause this story is cool
I hope you can find more words for pain.
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Thanks! Glad to see them revisions and edits I've done actually get appreciated.
You hit all the notes correctly. I found myself thinking about this fic long after reading it. What else is there to say besides bravo, sir.
This looks good
i found this song so fitting to listen to while so fitting,seriously the parallels are crazy!
Great work on the story!
The last paragraph above the horizontal line (last quarter of the story)
nosie - should read noise, i think.
But so far - one of my favorite stories.
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*fixes*
(PS. Thanks for pointing that out, probably never would have caught it otherwise)
I'm following-through on what I said! Here I am to ruin your day.
So far, I'm intrigued. With so little action taking place, you've got me wondering about the state of the narrator, the situation that caused the pain, and where it all will go from such a wild start. Pain can be a distracting thing, and you've captured that well!
Errors found:
*My body is being moved.
Took quite a turn, there. I'll be honest, I was expecting the victim to be Rainbow Dash, not Scootaloo. That was a shock! So now we have the narrator established...yet I can't help but notice a disconnect from her. In the last chapter, you went to great lengths to capture her thoughts and, indeed, her pain. Now? Her thoughts are kept comparatively short and poignant, and the passage of time allowed very little to be revealed to her. I was also kind of surprised that Stable, being the doctor on duty, didn't give her more facts after she confirmed that she could understand him. As far as we know - and, by extent, as far as Scootaloo knows - her injuries are unexplained.
By the way, let me know if I'm going too far with the errors I track down. I like helping, but if you don't like it, just say the word.
Errors found:
•The period at the end needs to be inside the closing quote marks.
•This looks odd. You can either remove "okay" from the sentence, or put a comma before it and a question mark after it (replacing the period).
•In this sentence's structure, "slowly" modifies "understand" when it should be modifying "nod." Try moving "slowly" before the comma instead.
•The comma after "continues" should be replaced with a period, OR "You've" should have a lowercase y.
•That semicolon doesn't belong. Replace it with a comma.
•Same as above, except this time you have a little more freedom. Either replace the semicolon with a comma, or add more to the end of this sentence to make it work. For example: It’s mostly just a plain hospital room; except for flowers and cards sitting on the end table, there wasn't much.
•This isn't wrong, just a personal note from me. Saying Scootaloo doesn't understand the apology card is not as effective as saying she's confused by it. I recommend replacing "I don't understand" with "confuses me" or something to that effect.
•The period in the quotation marks should be a comma.
I'm not terribly sold on the idea of switching narrators mid-story, but it does add more weight to the other side of the spectrum. That said, I still don't sympathize with Diamond Tiara. I've already got her pegged as a tragic character, so it's hard to be surprised by her actions - as well as her reactions when push comes to shove.
Oh dear, did I just say that out loud? Heh-heh.
Kind of shocking to put kids in that situation, though, regardless of to whom the actions belong. I totally understand the concept of "bullied girl becomes alpha bully," and I'm curious to see if this is expanded later on. But even if it is, I'll likely not feel for Diamond Tiara any more than I do now. (And, just for context...watch this!)
All said, I'm still greatly anticipating Scootaloo's reaction, now that she's alone in a hospital room with the alpha bitch. Errors found:
•Remove the third "to" entirely. Specifically: "...when I want to think to just to talk to Silver..."
•Add "is" immediately after "want to think" so it reads "...when I want to think is to just..."
•Confusing run-on. Try reworking the words following both commas. For example: This is the one I normally enjoy the most, since it was actually one of the longest as it runs past the Ghastly Gorge, and it leads to a nice spot we like to hang out.
•Add "where" immediately after "to a nice spot" to clear up the idea.
•The comma during Silver Spoon's action should be replaced with a period, as it follows a closed sentence from the previous dialogue.
•Replace "that" with "what"
•Another run-on. Add a comma to help pace the sentence. For example: I sigh and nod my head before scowling and kicking a small rock down the road, watching with little enjoyment as it skips a crossed the ground and bumps into a larger rock.
•"A crossed" should be "across"
•"she" should be capitalized.
•"You" should not be capitalized.
•The period in the quotes should be a comma, and "She" should not be capitalized.
•Two independent clauses. Replace the comma with either a semicolon, a dash, or a period. If you choose the period, also capitalize "it's"
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Maybe I should add YOU to the list editors that helped me with this because it seems you catching so much stuff my other editors missed.
Third ‘to?’ -Looks at the sentence in question- Wah? Well it seems that I managed to somehow mess that up. …one of those ‘to’s was supposed to be an ‘or’ actually. FIXED!
I’m glad you’re enjoying the story and that I’m getting the reactions (sort of) that I wanted to get from my reader.
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...gah, I just now realized a mistake of my own when suggesting that fix! For some reason, I was completely glossing over the word "think" in the sentence, so that made my note completely ridiculous. Sorry if I confused you!
On to the next contender...
See, this brand of narrator-swap works well. Perhaps it's best this way - we've established the victim and the guilty party, and now we've witnessed the witness. There are feelings all across the spectrum, and you've captured most of them very well. I'm also forgiving a lot of the word choices and structures that look like patois (dialect, if you prefer), since Silver Spoon is a kid thrust into a unique situation.
Not much to say in regards to the narrative, so...lots of errors found on this round. Many of them deal with tense confusion (using present-tense words following past-tense, or vice-versa), so those will be labeled with suggestions for both changes - one version and then the other. Personally, I prefer past-tense writing, but you kept the first chapter in present-tense, so the choice is yours. Just bear in mind...when you choose one tense, you should stick with it.
•Change the second "the" to "where".
•The first part of the sentence is built like a question, so it'd be better if you replaced the comma with a question mark. However, this is a personal taste, so it's up to you.
•Since Diamond Tiara is a proper noun, it's correct to leave her name capitalized regardless of a character's stutter. Change "D-diamond" to "D-Diamond".
•Tense change. "Couldn't" and "tried" apply to past-tense, but "keeps" apply to present. If you want past-tense, change "keeps" to "kept. If you want present-tense, change "couldn't" to "can't" and "tried" to "try".
•Change "shrank" to "shrunk".
•Same as earlier, Silver Spoon is a proper noun. Capitalize "S-silver" to match.
•Change "though" to "thought".
•The second half of the sentence is confusing. It's a lot of information that conveys very little. Simplify this by cutting out redundant words and those that add nothing to the sentence.
•Change "form" to "from".
•Tense change. "Wasn't" is a past-tense word, while "I am" is a present-tense phrase. If you want past-tense, change "I am" to "I was." If you want present-tense, change "wasn't" to "isn't".
•Add an ellipsis (...) after "I didn't mean to" to have the sentence make structural sense.
•Same as earlier. Capitalize "D-diamond".
•The sentence isn't wrong, but realistically, a knife doesn't pierce. It cuts. Try using different imagery, such as an arrow or a spear.
•Change "Relived" to "Relieved".
•Tense change. If you want past-tense, change "isn't" to "wasn't". If you want present-tense, change "was" to "is".
•Tense change. "Reach" is present-tense, "were fading" is past-tense. If you want past-tense, change "reach" to "reached". If you want present-tense, change "were fading" to "fade".
•Change "reach" to "reached".
•Using both "wind" and "light breeze" is redundant. Remove either "in the wind" or "in a light breeze" and let the other do the work.
•Change "directing" to "direction".
•Change "then" to "than".
•Change "she's" (contraction of she has) to "she'd" (she had).
•Tense change. "Looks" is present-tense, "held" is past-tense. If you want past-tense, change "looks" to "looked". If you want present-tense, change "held" to "holds".
•Same redundancy problem with the use of "repeating" and "over and over." Remove "over and over" but leave "repeating" alone; it's a stronger word.
•Replace the comma with a period.
•Capitalize "another" and change the comma to a period.
•Combine "with out" to make "without".
•Change the comma to a period and capitalize the "what" in the second quote set.
•Add some form of punctuation in the end of the quote set, such as an ellipsis or a comma.
•Same as above.
•Change the period in the quote set to a comma.
•Change "reaching" to "retching".
Holy hell on a silver biscuit platter. That was a shocker. At least we know scoots is okay.
5469577
Okay... two things.
One: Thank you for your help with pointing out these errors! Even though I never asked you. I'm totally going to list you as one of the editors of this story now for all your hard work. A lot of those errors are just silly mistakes on my part. From typing to fast or getting my words jumbled and not catching them. (Or my editors catching them)
Two: If you're going to do wall of text like this please send them by PM as to not clutter up the comments... While I love constructive criticism and thoughts about the story and maybe a few error correction, these text walls of yours a little much for a simple comment. Just my thoughts but if you could just shoot me PMs with the error corrections and leave only your thoughts of the chapter, writing and such in the comments. Up to you... I'm just asking.
Again that's just asking if you going to do a Wall o' text corrections list. One or two corrections are fine in the comments but based on the fact you're finding them left and right and creating these walls o' text it might be better to PM me that stuff.
5476541 Sure thing. I'll keep the notes private from now on.
Hmm. I liked your story and I faved it - a while ago now.
It takes a special place in my "Things you should read"-box.
And I even reference this story in other comments to show HOW one write character development, interaction, immersion and what not.
But somehow I never wrote a comment, thanking you for writing this fine work.
Really - its one of the most impressing things I ever read.
No exageration. It is really moving and creates intensive feels. Sad and thoughtfool with an interesting glimpse of hope.
So simply: Thank you for writing this story.