I haven't been on here for a while. I believe my writing style has drastically improved and I am so excited to be writing again :)
It's been a thousand years since Nightmare was defeated by Twilight. Nightmare is back, but hasn't embodied Princess Luna. This time, she has her own body. And she rules as a third princess along with Luna and Celestia. And she's fallen in love with the leader of her own group of Pegasai, the Shadowbolts.
The 'Sad' tag might seem bad for the story right now, but it gets sad later on, trust me.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is fast... WAY to fast. Slow it down partner... the prologue could be longer... [implying]
If you don't know me, then you wont get the imply, meaning I could help.
Q Out...
274641
Thanks for the criticism. I'll make the next chapters slower. I'm not good at romance stories, this is my first one, so...
274651 Hey, that's alright... but trust me. That prologue could be way better... That's where I come in.
Also, one thing that strikes me as odd... How long do Zebras live?! She'd be like... over 1030 years old!
Oh. I didn't think about that part... x3 They usually live about 20 years in real life...I'll have to rethink that part. The mane six would all be extremely old, or rather, dead, so...hmm.
Okay, this is the re-written prologue, You know how it goes yours first, then mine.
YOURS:
"So as you can see, Nightmare Moon, the power of friendship cannot be defeated! Not by magic, or hatred, or turning one against another!" Shouted Twilight Sparkle, as the necklaces of each pony started glowing. The sixth element floating above her head turned into a crown. And each pony was lifted into the air, harnessing the Elements of Harmony. "What? That's not possible! Nooooooo!" Nightmare Moon shouted, backing up before becoming enveloped in a rainbow. And Nightmare Moon was defeated once more, yet again locked into the moon.
(I didn't include the second part, mostly because it's a chapter on it's own.)
MINE:
Imprisoned again… as she had been for nearly 900 years… she thinks… she lost count around year 847. Those dreaded Elements… she had lost to them again. Nightmare Moon sighed, though it is difficult to without any air. The moon is cold, hard, dry, void and desolate. She wasn’t that annoyed at getting imprisoned as she was being isolated… That was the most horrible and cruel punishment anypony could be sentenced with. The moon was far, but it was just close enough to see what goes on in the world. She sat there, silently watching the ponies as they played through the day, silently watching as time went on.
A thousand years is a long time… too long for anypony to bear. She almost completely lost the plot the first time is happened. She tried to breath in, her lungs expanded, but nothing went in. One of the things she missed most, not the land, not the ponies, but air… that simple luxury evaded her once and it is again. She yarns for it, to fill her soul with the air of the world.
A thousand years is a long time to wait… to think… Nightmare Moon has spent 2 thousand year periods of isolation. Though it took from her the air, the grass, and the life around her… it gave her time think. Not about anything in particular, just thinking. She’d let her mind wander around while her body was in a sub-conscious state. She avoided topics like revenge, jealousy, anger and hate… she’d already spent 1000 years on that, and look where that got her. No… she decided to think of other more useful things, emotions, isolation, time, magic, energy, dimensions… but the main things… forgiveness and love… two things she wished for, yearned for, longed for… to be forgiven by everyone and everypony, but mostly, Luna… The one she captured and used for her own evil wishes. The one she dragged up here and spent 1000 years plotting revenge… against what? She can’t remember.
How long has it been? 700? 800? 950 years, she can’t remember. She hasn’t bothered to. She was too busy thinking. That was until she felt her magic slowly return to her. Her time is up, 1000 years in solitude, 1000 years in waiting… and 2000 years to make up for. Her magic is back… for what felt like the first time in 2000 years, she smiled, not an evil smile, a general, heart filled smile… She was ready to come back. So she did. Her horn glowed with midnight blue energy; she vanished in a dark purple haze and travelled in the direction back to her world… to her home… to Luna.
It worked, her magic worked, she rematerialized in the world. With her form completed, she sucked in. She breathed in through her muzzle; she felt her lungs fill with the air, glorious, glorious air. She exhaled, feeling the air rush out of her throat. It’s good to be back… She thought to herself. She inhaled again, and then exhaled. She could’ve stayed like that for another thousand-year sentence and she couldn’t care less. Her mind felt a million times better with the newly acquired oxygen, as if a dreaded haze cleared from her mind. She sighed. How glad she was she could do that again. She felt like a filly again and how much she wanted to jump around and land in the grass, to play in the long grass… to feel the grass on her fur, but now is not the time for herself. She had someone to apologize to. She gave her wings an experimental flap, and she noticed how stiff they were. Not using them for a thousand years would do that to you. She flapped them slowly a few more times, feeling the air around them, how the air rolled off her midnight black feathers. How she missed the air.
She chuckled. She flapped her wings hard as she lifted into the air. She had somewhere to go, and she wasn’t going to teleport. She followed her magic as it led her to Luna, it wasn’t going to be easy… but then again… neither was being trapped on the moon for two thousand years. She was her own pony, and she was going to make things right. She chuckled again, Oh it’s so good to be back…
So she apologized, but that's a new chapter entirely.
Q out...
275310 Your version is much better then mine. xD
275385 It's a gift!
If you'd allow me to, could I post this as my own story? With main references to you in the description of course.
275653 Yeah, that's fine.
275733
275749 :)
In response to the person who said, "This is too fast," I say much better to be too fast than too slow and boooring. I like stories that get right to the point. Most stories on this website spend too much time messing around before getting to the story.
By the way, you still need to continue the story in your own words... I can't rewrite it if it doesn't exist in the first place.