Is This How It Ends?

LuminoZero #1 · Sep 25th, 2013 · · ·

Wow, that was pretty freaking dark. There isn't a lot of MP based stuff to really rate on it. You could remove it from this site and change a handful of words and it would be just as powerful. That said, my comments will lack substance.

Never the less, it is a well written, dark story that really makes you feel the despair of being the last pony standing. Good work.

-Lumino

nullaccount

nullaccount #2 · Sep 25th, 2013 · · ·

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Short, but dark and to the point. It's pretty much perfect.

Octavia Harmony

Octavia Harmony #3 · Sep 25th, 2013 · · ·

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Wow, very nice. Very subtle and rich meanings.

Shadow_Fire

Shadow_Fire #4 · Sep 25th, 2013 · · ·

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3258105 3257924 3255186 Thank you!

Eternal Aviator

Eternal Aviator #5 · Sep 25th, 2013 · 2 · ·

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i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6714380800/h89BCEC9B/

nigeguy89999

nigeguy89999 #6 · Sep 28th, 2013 · · ·

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All I can say is GREAT STORY, please make more like this. Maybe in the elements of harmony's point of view? That would be cool, and I would LOVE IT. Now I must go and read cupcakes again. Great story.

Bootsy Slickmane

Bootsy Slickmane #7 · Oct 14th, 2013 · · ·

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I'm reminded of I Am Legend (the book in particular). I like the style of the narrative. This has a thrown-together feel, and I'm guessing it was written fairly quickly. The thrown-together feeling doesn't detract, though. I think it adds to the story, in fact, since the narration is like a stream-of-consciousness. Nice work with this.

It's always the ideas we consider the be to be some of our least-best that everyone seems to love, eh?

TheGreatPandaKing

TheGreatPandaKing #8 · Dec 8th, 2013 · · ·

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Well, where to begin?

The concept of the story and state of the pony's mind is constant, though, I believe a few extra words could have made his state of insanity more on level with the rest. The piece works by itself as a story with starting as late as could be permitted and cutting off to let the reader's mind wonder. The state of sheer, overwhelming, depression and hopelessness is perfect, especially at the end where his death from "Them" was more like a sweet release; great touch with having his friends being in the group. That being said, you might have been able to add more to make us actually feel like we were inside his mind, living his memories. Scents and sounds are big things that stick in your memory, so much so that the mere smell/sound can trigger the memory or that you can swear you smell it or hear it. I'd imagine this would be happening more are the pony became more and more crazy. The narration itself also shows that his dementia from loneliness is so strong that he must talk to himself to retain some state of mental stability. That all being said, and I'm no grammar guru, the grammar is atrocious! I mean, all of the big things that I spotted were little ones, periods where commas would have been better mostly. It still flowed well since both symbolize pauses but one symbolizes a complete thought as the other shows continuation of a thought. For some of the ones, it's fine since other forms of punctuation can be used to a phrase in the beginning of a sentence to add extra emphasis: "Damn it, Tom! I'm a doctor not a neural physicist!" "Jane! Stop this crazy thing!" the others, however, stick out to others as a sore thumb and, for some, they become as crazy as the pony that they're supposed to be in the mind of.

With all that said, I liked it. The piece did as it was supposed to do and leaves the reader wanting more. This could be the teaser for a small collection of thoughts of ponies durring their last moments set up as chapters until the plague is either cured or wipes out every pony, or you could use it as a prologue to the MC's life (more importantly, the events leading up to his current situation) flashes through his mind as he is killed/eaten by them. Keep up the good work!