when slenderman left me in paradise

by Jimbob

It's good to own land.

[Knight]

{Me}

I really didn’t want to get up. I had woken up earlier than normal today to find Twilight and Spike still sleeping. I was trying, and failing, to go back to sleep. You know when you’re trying to sleep and your brain is trolling you with all the what-if scenarios? Yeah that’s me right now.

{FINE BRAIN! If you won’t shut-up I’ll go for a walk}

[Like you listen to your brain anyway]

{He has been known for some good advice, like don’t play with toasters and water}

I got up and grabbed my gear, I didn’t think I would need it but hey doesn’t hurt to be prepared. I snagged an apple from the kitchen and left a note for Twilight, she was gonna be pissed I was out walking in my state but then again I don’t care.

{So what should we do today?}

[I thought we said we would talk to the Mayor about buying land?]

{Oh yeah}

I walked outside while attempting to hide from sun. Too bright, must return to shade, *COUGH* *HACK* *DIE*.

[Quit being a baby]

{Fuck you its way too bright for whatever time it’s}

After I managed too adjust too the light difference I started to wander around town hoping to come across anything vaguely similar to a town hall. While I was walking around town I felt like I was being trailed I tuned it out for a while thinking it was some curious tourist or something.

After a few more minutes of this however I decided to confront them. I walked down an alleyway and walked out onto the next street and turned as if I was still walking down the street. I immediately hugged the wall and waited to see if anypony was gonna follow me through the alley. I noticed two small fillies walk out of the alley. It was Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.

“Girls why are you following me?” they jumped into the air and turned to face me looking at their hooves.

“Sorry Jake we were trying to get our ninja cutiemarks” Sweetie Belle trailed off still looking at her hooves like she was waiting to be scolded.

“Ah don’t worry about it Sweetie Belle ninja cutiemarks would be cool but you have to be born a ninja” or have your family killed off so you can find the inner willpower to train everyday till you’re about eighteen or so then go on a crazy suicidal quest for revenge. And normally there are chicks in latex, or maybe I watch too many movies.

[Nah that’s obviously how all ninjas are born]

{I thought so}

“By the way where’s Applebloom?” then I felt something jump on my back. I turned my head and saw Applebloom trying to hold on to my neck.

“And where were you?”

“Ah was listening from the roof” hmmm there might be hope for her yet.

“Alright well could you get off my back I’m still healing you know”

“Oh sorry” she hop off my back and stood by the rest of her friends. They were staring at me. WHY?

“Ummm do you need something?”

“How’d you beat the dragon?” the rest of the girls looked at me expectantly.

“Ummm I’ll tell you if you take me to the town hall, deal?” the girls all looked at each other; suddenly I had a bad feeling about this.

“CUTIEMARK CRUSADERS TOUR GUIDES!!!” MY EARS!! WHY GOD?!WHY!?

“Alright then I’ll take that as a yes” I was attempting to clean my ears out and possibly stop any permanent damage done. The girls started to head down the street while I followed in their wake. And boy was there a wake apparently everypony in town knew about their shenanigans and had no desire to be caught up in it. The girls were telling me about the town but I was mostly tuning it out.

We were passing by Sugarcube corner and I was praying that a certain pink party pony wasn’t getting ready to tackle me. The girls were leading me towards the center of town where a huge gazebo-ish building was.

{How the blue fuck did I miss that?!}

[You’re a jackass is the answer that comes to mind]

{Ahh it’s always the obvious answer}

“… And this is the town hall!” I tuned in just in time to hear Applebloom confirm my theory. All three fillies looked expectantly at their flanks, nothing happened, they looked sadly at the ground.

{Oh I have an evil idea}

“Sorry that didn’t work girls, but I have an idea” they all looked up at me happily.

“What?” Scootaloo’s wings were buzzing like hummingbirds.

{Too cute HHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNGGGGG}

“Well girls I was thinking that you could help Twilight out at the library”

MUHAHAHAHAHA! Hung-over Twilight was in for a real treat. The fillies got huge smiles on their faces.

“CUTIEMARK CRUSADER LIBRARIANS!” MY EARS! WHY CRUEL GOD!?

[Probably because you just sent three loud fillies to drive a hung-over pony insane]

{I love my job}

The girls headed back towards the library and I headed into the town hall. There was a receptionist mare sitting behind a desk, she looked up not even startled by the fact I was a human. I looked around the room, there were some plotted plants and some couches.

“How can I help you?” I was having a hard time believing that she was taking the fact I was human so well.

“Yes I’m interested in buying some land”

“Ahh of course I’ll see if the Mayor is available” she walked back towards a door at the end of the room. I sat down on the couch until I heard it groan underneath me I quickly got up and decided that I would invest in heavy duty furniture when I got my house. The receptionist walked back in and sat back down behind the couch.

“She will see you now” she pointed back towards the door she came through. I ducked under the door frame and saw a large room with several bookcases and a desk. Behind the desk there was a brown earth pony with a grey mane.

“I heard you were interested in buying property.”

“Yes I am, can you show me what’s for sale?” she pulled out several file and handed them to me.

I flipped through them and noticed something weird. There was an empty lot of land that had 50 acres of land for 3,000 bits, but then there was a lot of land with 100 acres for 1,000 bits.

{Why is that one so low?}

[Probably an ancient Indian burial ground]

{I don’t think they have Indians, maybe a buffalo burial ground}

“Okay I’ll bite, why is this lot of land so cheap?” I handed her the folder. She suddenly looked nervous.

“Ummm this land is located on the edge of the Everfree and has had quite a few sightings of timber wolves.”

“Annnnnnnnnndddddddddd?”

“That’s it”

“Oh is that all? Timber Wolves? Deadly forest? Challenge accepted!” the mayor began to splutter some nonsense about me being more carefully and how I should take timber wolves more seriously. I tuned it out and reached into a nearby shadow and pulled out some bits and set them on her desk.

“So can I get the deed?” she hesitated and sighed.

“I’m not going to be able to talk you out of it, am I?”

“Nope, I know a deal when it slaps me in the face with a large trout”

“What?”

“Nevermind, so about the deed?” she proceeded to count out the bits and reach into her desk and pulled out a rather old paper.

“Sign here please” she pointed towards the bottom of the paper where I scribbled something that might be mistaken for writing.

“I know acknowledge you as the owner of the lot 263”

“You know for something as terrible as you said it was lot 263 is a less than terrifying name.”

“Regulation, someponies call it Timber Wolves plain”

“Timber Wolves plain, huh? I like it!” I grabbed the deed and headed back towards the door.

“Thanks Mayor”

“Don’t thank me yet.” I walked out the door and headed back out into the town square. The town was now bustling with business. I started heading back towards where I thought the library was. I saw it and heard a lot of banging coming from inside, so I just waltzed right in.

“Hey Twi I’m back” there was books everywhere and Twilight was almost buried in them. She looked up at me with murderous intent in her eyes and jumped out of the pile of book.

“JAKE!”

With that I turned around and booked it with Twilight close on my heels.

Comments

[Solar Eclipse]

loved it haha, cant wait for the next chapter, keep up the great work!

[jercos]

>After I managed too adjust too the light difference

BOTH WRONG! xD

Both of those "too"s should be "to".

Oh, and also “I know acknowledge you as the owner of the lot 263” 'know' should be 'now' >.>

[Grankuwaga]

27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhanx3sMHP1qh3nfdo1_400.gif

[Primordial Deomontus]

394728 umm did he drink cactus juice again

[MLP BRONY 27]

this is he funniest shit i have read in a good long while... good on you...