- Member Since 8th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen May 25th, 2016
Writer Fire
Ok i finally updated my Bio. Im not a good writer i will admit that. I write just for fun. and come on who doesn't like to write a story here and there? Well sorry if my storys suck.
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Nice start, a few spelling errors. You present this character, Vixle, quite nicely. I look forward to reading this further
Fantastic, caught my attention while browsing, needs someone to go over it though... But with a little tape, glue, and a WHOLE BUNCH words you can make this thing awesome
3244458 Just like twilights post parasprite instant town plan?
3244738exactly, you read my mind
3244996 Mental links DO let you do that
3245000oh? And what are you trying to say? We are connected?
Please be a girl, please be a girl, please be a girl....
3245040 Nah,I stuck you with a brain leech,And now i can read your mind,Your memories,and your thoughts
3245048soooooooooooo (ow for one,) not trying to flirt, just giggling over the fact I have A LEECH IN MY BRAIN?!
3245063 Nah,It was something in your food,That then made its way and burrowed into your heart AND your brain stem,Gotta love brain leeches that can multiply and not be removed without instant and immediate death!
3245076 well there's an easy way to get rid of that there leech
3245098 Are you a zombie or something?....I knew i should have added the leech personally
3245076 -loads shotgun with one shell- excuse me? Could you point me to your nearest bathroom?
3245107 *points behind you*
3245112*smiles* thank ya kindly -walks off, moments later a shot echoes off the bathroom walls
3245122 Damn it...Ill go get the Big book of satanic undead rituals....
3245126 *returns with chalk,A coin and a book* Welp,Time to make a lich
3245126 -walks out of the bathroom with the dead leech in-hand- ill give you a hundred and one guesses on how I did that. -drops leech into your hand and walks off-
3245141 ......There were two leeches....
3245145 As to how,Someone plays too much persona
3245148 I was actually thinking a mature surgeon but that works too, as for the second leech, I WILL MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FACE THEN IT WILL BURROW INTO YOUR BRAIN! AND NOT MINE! MUWHAHAHAHAH!
3245160 *Equips tin foil hat of resist mind control*
3245163blockheads? Really? YOU WILL LOVE ME!
3245173 But i allready do!
3245163shockingly I know most games, having played and beaten them all
3245176. Y-you wat?
are you a girl???
3245186 Nope But i am a hell of a joker
3245187ah..... See what ya did there.
my way, good battle of random my friend, you have earned a brony friend for life, go ahead and check out my page if ya wanna... I won't stop ya (:
3245201 Allready did
3245205did what?
3245225 Check your page....And follow you
3245228 awkward...
Octavia isn't light brown she's got a grey coat
Sorry if I messed up on Octavia' s color she always seemed light brown to me.
2months till New season of ALL 61 days left wooooo
Sorry I mean MLP I hate auto correct.
Keep going.
I am sorry but you just don't keep my interest its just you have so many typos its really hard to follow along the story was good but I think it was rushed a bit.
Vixle moans a bit to much for a guy :P
Good story though.
3289452
Yeah I don't like seeing typos that often either
3320549 well isn't you're picture a bit inapropriate :D
3332061
By no means. :3
3332265 oooooooooookkkkkkeeeee
I'm a pretty easy going guy when it comes to grammer and typos so no problem there. Am I annoyed by typos...just a little but not enough to make me not read stuff.
To be honest this is the second HiE fic I've actually read and like.
Only a bit of advice would be make the chapters longer. Other then that it's all cool.
I like the story idea, and it's a nice layout, but it moves a little fast. Protip: Commas are your friend, I only counted one in this whole chapter. The sentences (especially dialogue) seem very rushed when you leave them as run-ons, and it just doesn't sound right. Play the scene out in your head as you write, and imagine when there's a pause. Smack a comma in there and: boom. It sounds better. Other than that, almost everything else was great. The order of events was good, but it still felt a bit rushed. Try adding just a little more description, perhaps explain the setting in greater detail, or a character's thoughts or feelings with more description.
I hope I helped, and sorry for the tl;dr.
Comment
Wonderful can't wait for the next chapter