A Blanket

Axan Zenith

Axan Zenith #1 · Sep 18th, 2013 · 6 · ·

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Not bad. There's not a whole lot of fics willing to defend Diamond Tiara. Well done.

L4

L4 #2 · Sep 18th, 2013 · 3 · ·

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nullaccount

nullaccount #3 · Sep 18th, 2013 · 2 · ·

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Ugh...I don't care if it's canon or not, I don't hate her anymore. I can't. Never ever ever forevers never. fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/025/c/6/diamond_tiara_by_kp_shadowsquirrel-d4nhrox.gif

MagerBlutooth

MagerBlutooth #4 · Sep 19th, 2013 · 2 · ·

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A blanket is commonly seen as a source of comfort. Mostly it's used in fiction as an object of dependence for a fragile or weak-willed character, possibly revealing a softer side to a character that doesn't appear to be so vulnerable. I suppose I could say this story does subvert the standard use for a blanket and deviates from the predicted path I thought it would take, though the path it does end up taking is one that I could easily recognize.

It's a short story, meaning we need a simple plot to make the most out the word count, and I believe you achieved that well. Diamond wants to make a blanket for a group project. The CMC laugh at it, possibly as a means of giving her a "taste of her own medicine", but little do they know the true effect their laughter has. Seems simple enough to me. The story itself is structurally sound for the most part, and the twist does have some surprise value. I was expecting it to end with Diamond's mother being dead up until they went to the hospital. From there, I personally could tell where we were headed, but it was told well enough for a person unfamiliar with the Screw Loose/Screw Ball theory to get a nice introduction to it.

From my perspective, characterization is both this story's biggest strength and weakness. The beginning scene with the CMC and the majority of the interactions between Filthy and Diamond are on the nose in terms of believability. We also have subtle things like Silver attempting to be Diamond's emotional restraint and Filthy wanting to save face in public by accepting responsibility for his daughter's anger rather than tell them about his wife's condition. Neither of these are established factors in the show, but they don't seem uncharacteristic and let the story move forward without being distracting.

Then we have the other side of the story's characterization. I ran into a number of lines in the story that made me have to pause and read them a second time simply because they didn't quite make sense. First, the CMC get enjoyment out of watching Diamond getting told off. It seems a bit vengeful, but mostly it seems pointless since we don't actually see Sweetie and Scootaloo at Parent's Evening. If they do get some sadistic enjoyment out of watching Diamond squirm, we should at least see them do so. Otherwise, there isn't much reason to mention it, you know what I mean?

Second, what exactly were Apple Bloom and Applejack complaining about? Diamond made one negative comment about their project, and it was hardly anything I could call 'nasty'. It strikes me as odd that Apple Bloom would come home from school after the events that happened that day with the complaint, "Diamond Tiara made fun of our project today", especially after she and her friends easily returned the favor. It would probably be more apt if Applejack were just asking about Diamond's episode that day out of genuine concern rather than scorn unless you were to rewrite the beginning scene to make Diamond seem completely in the wrong.

Third, there's Cheerilee's role in all of this. This is the one that tripped me up the most. Cheerilee sends Diamond outside to cool off. Fair enough, but then Diamond goes off on her own, and Cheerilee decides she has to tell her dad. Wouldn't it occur to her to stop Diamond from going off like that? She is the teacher, after all. She does have a responsibility to look after them. Next we get to Parent's Evening and have this little exchange:

“Yes. I spoke to her this afternoon when I got home from work,” Filthy replied, looking at his daughter with what he hoped was a stern expression.
“I’m afraid it’s more than that...."

Filthy hoping it was a stern expression was a nice touch, but what exactly is this "that" that Cheerilee is referring to? Filthy never said what he talked to Diamond about. He just said they talked. And if Diamond's had a consistent problem of being an "antagonist", why is Cheerilee waiting until now to tell him about it? Especially with her considering kicking Diamond out of the classroom. Doesn't that seem a bit extreme? I don't recall teachers having that sort of power. Is she considering doing the same to Silver Spoon? It just doesn't seem to mesh well with what we know about Cheerilee's character, and it makes her seem like an uncaring teacher. I'm fairly certain that's not what you're going for here.

Aside from all that, however, the story does a decent job of presenting Diamond in the "more than meets the eye" sort of way. She doesn't come across as one-dimensional, and she also doesn't feel like she loses the entirety of her character for the sake of making her seem sympathetic. The insecurity and uncertainty of Filthy's character has quite a bit of charm, and one could argue that this is as much his story as it is Diamond's. I think if you put the consistency of believable characterization you used for Diamond and Filthy into AJ and Cheerilee and gave a more meaningful role to the CMC, you'd have a simple, touching, optimistic story that's truly akin to a blanket.

I'd call this story a marshmallow. It's soft, it's simple, and I've eaten plenty of them before, but its taste is good enough that it makes the experience as a whole enjoyable.

Make the most!

bobdat

bobdat #5 · Sep 19th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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3226140 Thanks for the review, which I think is totally fair.
In the UK, teachers always throw pupils out of the classroom for being unruly, but I suppose that might not gel well with the MLP universe in general. Anyway, thanks for the advice. If I have the time and motivation, I may make some revisions. :)

Bootsy Slickmane

Bootsy Slickmane #6 · Oct 12th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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Hmm... Diamond seems really upset, apparently about a particular comment from the CMC. What was it they said again? ... oh dear. This can't lead anywhere happy.

Honestly, yeah, it could use some polish, as has been mentioned here in the comments. However, I still enjoyed it a lot. Nice work.

HaloEssence111