Hey, didja know that there's actually quite a bit more to Equestria than most ponies know, at least geographically? Yep, there is. Why haven't ya heard of it? Well, the parts where most ponies live are the living, farming type areas, where everything is green and whatnot. There's actually an industrial area, smack-dab on the Stalliongrad-Equestrian border, pretty far up North. That, fillies and gentlecolts, is where I live.
My name is Crimson Bloom, and I'm one of the only Bat-Ponies on the entire face of Equis that aren't either serving in Luna's Royal Guard or hiding in the deep caverns of the ground. During the day, I work in a iron mine. My night job, though, is a bit different; I'm a waitress at a bar. Lots of filthy miners and Stalliongradi refugees like to hang out there, makes for good tips.
One day - the one that this story of mine'll start in - something kinda weird happens when I get inside my second job; everyone's quiet, nervous, pretty jumpy. Why? That'd be The Alien, aka Ole' Deadeye. He got here on Equis three years ago and kind of started wandering. Guess he somehow winded up her, at my bar. Guess what? That night changed my life forever...wanna hear why...? (Not a clopfic, by the way.)
(P.S. Adventures suck!)
Inspired, in part, by Left With a Kiss by Comet Burst, with some elements similar to those of Romantically Apocalyptic, and, of course, my own flair.
Also, expect some steampunk influence.
I should also probably mention that the cover image is slightly inaccurate; that's not really what "'Ole Deadeye" looks like. Anyway, congratulations if you actually read the entire description; have a cookie.
Onward to glory! Read, read my pretties, read, read!
Thanks!
![http://www.advanceyourwealth.com/wp-content/themes/flexsqueeze150/images/dividers/two-line-dotted-grunge.png[/img]](http://www.advanceyourwealth.com/wp-content/themes/flexsqueeze150/images/dividers/two-line-dotted-grunge.png[/img]){kind=link}
What? No. Why?
3222318
I fail to see the problem here. Please explain to me so that I may improve rather than simply downvoting before you even read the story, please and thank you.
The main problem I see is a lack of characters descriptions. We need you to describe the various characters, especially the main character that is Crimson Bloom. She's a Bat Pony. And that's all.
It's hard to picture a scene when we don't even have her coat/mane/eye color. No clue about her Cutie Mark, wich is an important part of ponies characters.
Same for the other minors characters like Bright Flare or Frosty Brew. We know that Flare is brightly-colored and got a curly mane, and that's all.
Try to add these descriptions in the bulk of the story, it really help a reader to feel involved in the story.
It's an interesting tale but I have to agree with the previous comments. I feel like I'm reading this in a void. Just like the town, there's a cloud of miasma blocking my view of the characters. Oh, I can tell they're ponies but that's it. And this Doctor Alexis, from the clues given, seems to be a bit like Bane from the latest Batman movie. He has more details than any of the ponies, Crimson Bloom included.
Don't get me wrong, the rest of the story, the characters and interactions are delightful. Even if this is a one-shot, please go back and let us know what Bloom looks like?
"Down on the ground floor, however, was where the hard work was done. Several different types of welders, TIG, MIG, Oxyacetylene, and whatnot lay scattered about, typically around half-finished projects. Toolboxes, forgotten hardhats, and empty bottles of soft drinks - no alcohol at work - also helped complete the collection of junk."
What, no love for stick welding? For shame!
Anyhow, this story seems pretty interesting so far, and fairly original, as far as HiE is concerned (trust me, as a fellow HiE writer, I know that there is a stigma surrounding us).
That said, there are a few punctuation errors, and in some places you have to/too and then/than mixed up.
Needs more details in the story, but still, not bad.
I like the setting of a grungy industrial town. And the gas mask wearing alien fits perfectly with the setting.
But my main issue is that there's zero description of the characters.
3222498>>3222548
Oh, you guys are right. I did not mean to do that. I'll get some description in there somehow.
looks intresting so far
And another one for the favorites list
Well, it's not every day I see a story inspired by one of my stories. The premise seems good and I really like your characterization so far. If you add some world-building and a little more descriptive items, I would definitely favorite it.
That being said, this is in my Read Later list, so do expect some more comments from me!
3225025
Hooray!
That... that was fucking awesome, the way he seemed so joking with them while blasting them into pieces.
3225807
He is simply an educated man.
But being an educated man comes in handy when joking while blowing ponies to pieces.
Words can't describe on how hard I was mentally loling and saying how fuck those stallions are.
Alright, first chapter read.
I can definitely sense the tension you're building here with the ponies distrust of Alexis, especially if they have never seen his face. I am curious, though, how the increased carbon dioxide in the equine atmosphere does not poison him through his exposed skin, but that's a minor thing.
Crimson Bloom is a really good sassy character. She has that tomboy appeal that Rainbow Dash manifests, making it rather amusing to see her interactions with other characters. I noticed she is completely purple, from her eyes to her tail, and her cutie mark doesn't seem to have any bearing on her name. It's generally accepted that a pony's name and cutie mark are often in sync, but it's curious to see one who does not go with the flow, something I'm generally fond of. As for her jobs, I find it a little hard to believe she has time to see anypony who doesn't work in the quarry or come to the bar since all of her free time is apparently eaten up by the job.
Dr. Alexis, or Deadeye, is a curious character. I've never brought humans into my stories, but I like the portrayal of the general populace's reaction to him. It almost feels like this takes place in a hybrid MLP/Borderlands world where the outsider is an enemy until they either do some favors for the town or there is someone who is willing to trust them. The fish and chips part kinda threw me off, since I don't think horses eat fish, so it would be an oddity for them to not only have fish on hand (hoof?) and be able to cook it. Other than that, I like how he appears menacing but is actually quite nice when you talk to him. I also like your pony descriptions of him, calling his hands and fingers 'claws' instead of them mysteriously knowing human anatomy when there is only one of them in their universe.
After all of that, I found your world-building really well done. The town felt like a dingy, dirty place, much like District 12 in The Hunger Games, but more colorful and pony-ish. I found a bit of an irregularity with your mine scene since there was a glass ceiling in the mineshaft. Is it not very deep, or does Crimson work near the surface? Also, I found it a little odd that Crimson shared lockers with a bunch of guys, regardless of how tomboyish she is. That is just a problem waiting to happen.
The point about Dr. Alexis eating a pony seems like an urban myth, but it felt a little out of place. Granted, he says he never removes the mask later on, but how does he eat and drink? You never mentioned how and it left me scratching my head. Is the carbon dioxide not as lethal as he claims?
Overall, I give this a 4.7 out of 5. There are some irregularities, but they don't detract from the main meat (teehee!) of the story, the interactions between Crimson and Dr. Alexis. Just watch out for your world-building so you don't make the same mistakes I did.
Favorited and liked. Onto Chapter 2!
he kinda reminds me of Deadpool mixed with a little The Punisher and The Joker
3228680
Crimson works near the entrance to the mine, and I don't think I ever specified that the locker room she shared was female, but it was. As for how Deadeye eats, I actually realized that I didn't specify that while I was at school. You'll learn soon though. And thank you so very much for your feedback; I was kinda nervous when I saw how bit it was, but hardly any of it was negative, so hooray!
3229772
Don't be. There's two ways to help you improve, by either being obscenely harsh or by stating what you liked before moving onto the points, aka constructive criticism. I prefer to be nicer about it since I know how hard it is to write a story and am personally more receptive to what the person says when they tell me what I did right first.
Alright, this one is going to be pretty long, but it's to help you. I'm not doing this out of spite or to be mean, I want to help you improve.
Firstly, I love that header. I'm not sure if you make them yourself, but they add an extra little something to your story. I also like the way you portrayed Crimson when she woke, especially if she works late and wakes early. I could easily relate to her in that moment and felt comfortable reading about her. Alexis's banter with her at her door was also very good with their personalities clashing like that, all while throwing in the dry humor of Crimson having a choice.
But, I felt this chapter was scraped together rather quickly. I'm not sure why Crimson cried when she thought the good Dr. Alexis had met his fate, especially since she had only met him less than twelve hours ago. I understand it may be traumatic to think that your friend was a murderer and had perished for it, but you didn't fully explain that. Instead, we got a weird 'It's not like I was in love with him' bit, making it seem like Crimson either has a skewed view of friendship or has a massive crush for Alexis she developed in less than twenty lines of dialogue, which seems highly unlikely.
Secondly, the idea that a whole town was burning without Crimson noticing was a bit out of place. Surely the other ponies in town would be running around and screaming, or Crimson would have at least found it odd they weren't. It also felt really rushed that you destroyed the town that quickly. I figure there is something that Dr. Alexis is hiding and it will be revealed as the story goes on, but it felt awkward and forced there instead of mysterious and dark.
Third, I hate to say it, but you made the cardinal mistake of telling rather than showing, especially during Dr. Alexis's explanation. I personally would have him recap what happened in the saloon to Crimson in his own words rather than expecting everyone to remember what happened two chapters earlier. By doing this, you can show us some more of the Doctor's mind while we can see how Crimson reacts to the whole ordeal.
Overall, it's a good way to set things in motion, but it felt too bare again. I would highly recommend adding some fluff to this, padding the rough areas so it becomes more pleasing to read. I would also toss out that bit about Crimson crying and wondering why she is because it makes the whole thing a lot more awkward to read, but that is just my opinion.
You are the writer and I'm just a reader offering my two bits. Please keep writing!
3247543
I will admit, it was put together in a hurry.
And, well, you're right.
Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it!
ADVENTCHA
Loved it, glad to see you're back.
I will read and I'm not pretty I'm handsome...WHERE IS MY COOKIE
Are you still working on this?
4934740
Yes. As soon as my head pulls some idea from the deepest of the void, I will update it.
4949743
Thanks for letting me know! It'd be disappointing to see a story with so much potential be abandoned.
Stared