And so I sit, alone with the dark and the quiet, treading the secret corridors of my mind & soul and always discovering the oddest things. . . .
Sequel to Platonic Tryst.
[/hr]
Book Gray, "The Computer Man," is left alone in his Earth home after a rather confusing event involving Twilight, not knowing what to do. But he does know one thing: he can't just let it go.
The awakening of strange, æon dead creatures won't stop him, either.
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Sweet: sequal! And multi-chapter if the incomplete tag and cliff ending are anything to go by
Edit: music's not bad either, and normally i don't click those kinds of links, but you said you made the song, so I figured why not.
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3840210
Actually, this one's going to be a one-shot as well, but I think the threequel'll be multi-chapter.
And thanks for the compliment.
sweet chapter soo hope there will be one last one
...
This isn't a story. It's the start of one, but to call it complete is poor form imo.
s6.postimg.org/dd47s96ap/Pirate_Approved.jpg
3841456 Yeah, in no way is this a completed story. A one shot still has to be a full story. This is without a doubt only a single chapter of a full story.
iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/204095__UNOPT__safe_derpy-hooves_sprite_icon_clapping_50e919b7a4c72de92c0000a9.gif.gif
Yay! Sequel!
You really can't call this complete. That's a cliffhanger, not an open ending.
Fun though.
Two things I have to mention though, first:"Twilight bit her lip and turned Rarity's words over in her mind. Then, he snorted, amused." Think you forgot an "s" in "she". Because you wrote "Then, he snorted". No males in this part of the story.
Second: You write that Rarity and Twilight let go of one another, but at no point do you actually say that they hug, nuzzle or have any physical contact that would require "letting go" afterwards.
Still, those were the only things I can complain about, but I really hope you'll make another. And learn the definition of a oneshot, because by now, these two chapters seem like the first two chapters of a story, not oneshots.
Happy writing,
If he's lucky, Twilight can find a spell that can recharge those spare batteries because in a day or two, he'll be out of power and that apex of human technology will be a large paperweight/doorstop.
Even if it might be in vain, I'll be waiting the the third instalment.
What's the logic behind posting this and the previous story as separate stories? What makes this a sequel and not a chapter 2? It's not a one-shot anymore if you're writing multiple parts of the same cohesive narrative, you're just splitting them up for some arcane reason.
3844405
I made the first one a one-shot because . . . gee, how can I say this? . . . I made it a one-shot because, well, what makes you more excited for the next bit? The end of just a chapter, or the end of a story? I wanted to try and create more of a tension, shall we way.
On another note, due to people complaining, I'll make this story a multi-chapter.
Thanks for reading!
3844456
Ah... that's a rather amoral exploitation of your audience's expectations. And I'm also pretty sure posting separate chapters to a single story as separate stories is in that same Don't Do list in the FAQ, but I'm no moderator so /shrug.
The technical writing is pretty decent, which is a cut above most writers willing to write this type of story. The actual story-telling itself, though, is a bit lacking. This paragraph in particular was outright condescending to Twilight while simultaneously making the protagonist sound like the holier-than-thou type:
I only hope that wasn't the tone you were actually going for. Some good ideas, with inverting the common HiE story and bringing a pony to earth, and the green powder residue still being magically charged, but also some lapses in logic — why would the parchment come out of Spike's burp-fire as per usual, but the protagonist and all of his stuff just appear in a ball of light in the middle of the room, seemingly without Spike's involvement? Finally, I generally don't mind self-inserts so long as they at least try to be subtle about it; real-life people can be interesting characters to read about, too. But this isn't very subtle at all. You even went so far as to link music you made as his, lol. Clearly it's not intended to be some kind of a secret, but it was a bit annoying to me personally.
And at this point, the story really seems like it's chugging full-steam ahead into well-explored (read: overly-explored) territory. I was much more interested in the far less-explored Pony in Humania concept initially portrayed in chapter 1 — though even that didn't look like you had any intentions of Twilight ever leaving the house or being discovered by others. This just didn't turn out to be the story I was looking for. None of the things I mentioned are condemning, in my mind at least, so I won't downvote this simply for not being my cup of tea. But I will take my leave.
Sorry if you weren't looking for critique, lol. It just sort'a happened.
3844616
I am always looking for critique, and I am happy that you gave it to me.
And this isn't a self-insert. I'm a skinny sixteen year old geek, not a retired military veteran.
3844979
My apologies; he feels an awful lot like a self-insert with a few made-up traits to try to 'differentiate' him, like, for example, the war veteran thing. Might want to watch out for that moving forward.
good story but this sint exactly a sequels as other people have already said. hope it doesnt get too...cliche'd per say. the first one really drew me into the story. i loved how he was called computer man made me laugh just because of how simple it sounds. XD
also i don't think it was bad to put a song in there. but i was hoping it would be used more for giving background or set a mood for the current scenario. i saw one story today that used a picture in it to give the reader an idea of how tings looked like. i really liked it because it added more depth to the story.
Don't try to post the next part of this story as another story. That's BM. Just post the rest here as a multichapter story.
3851350
Already decided to do that.
3852591
Oh . . . you're right. Thanks, I will definitely keep that in mind.
Brilliant!
Why are you tagging this as complete?
It's officially MULTI-CHAPTER!
Awesome.
what a tease you are!
nothing was resolved this chapter, and so it feels incomplete. but not enough really hapened to even call it a cliffhanger. I hope whatever follows is quick to arrive...
I agree with yrfoxtaur, more like the second half of the first chapter.
Not going to knock it or anything, but hope the third/second chapter comes soon.
3878172
Nothing resolved? Perhaps, but now we have a problem to fix. Namely a human in Equestria that is, I'm guessing, out of phase with everyone else. I'm certain Twilight can fix this, she's good at fixing things... or if that fails, just getting the girls and blasting the problem with the Elements. \
Blasting stuff always works!
Maybe they're gonna need a Doctor?
D'aww
Desperate last minute attempt at a cliffhanger? Can't really fault you for writer's block. Er, you did do the sensible thing and planned out a grand arc initially before diving in with the details, right? If not, then it's ok to panic like Twilight... although she's the cutest at panicking. (No offense intended)
...that must be a monster of a laptop to play Skyrim though.
3914556
Er . . . yeah! . . .
No. But hey, this was going to be a one-shot, and you guys just had to have a multi-chapter. So if this whole thing goes south, it's all your fault!
just because it's multi chapter doesn't mean you have to write any faster. take your time.
Oh noes!!!
Its that evil shadow character from Alan Wake!!!
Sorry, dont really know his/its name.
3886073 yesh, need do
Good to have you back! Good chapter. Damn solid chapter.
by?
I'm glad this wasn't abandoned unlike myself.
Thanks for the new chapter; you
r storieswere missed.memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-i-finally-start-seeing-results-from-exercising-18268.gif
Finally! An update! Thank you!
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/363/d/4/clapping_derpy_hooves_icon_by_shroomehtehponeh-d5pm8c9.gif
I used to have writers block like you, but then I realized I still have it.
Alrighty then
YES! Updates are the best. Thanks!
Nice to see another chapter!
Lolwat
He found the Bagpipes of Path Finding?
Only I cant recall any other potential source of music.
I think of bagpipes as the coolest instrument, but I still dont see how the bagpipes being not scottish = Hate.
4552482 I am so totally making that an item of wondrous power in the PonyFinder game I get to start in on Friday! It's just too kewl an idea not to...
4557850 play the right tune and start marching. You'll get where you're going, almost as quickly as the muppets traveling by map
At least that's how I imagine it.
Got a problem? Use magic
Didn't work? Use more magic!
So no reaction to the fact that he just called Twilight his girlfriend? Eh, sure, bigger fish and junk.
So are the shadows plannining to eat him, and stranded him on a mountain to preserve the meat?
Well that was easy. Benevolent shadow, or cruel trick about to be played?
Hmm seems like a funny story. Let's see how this plays out
.... Why are there caves connected to the throne room?