Applejack and Rainbow Dash travel to the Everfree Forest to find a Hearths Warming Tree.
Image by Paradoxical Intentions.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 17th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Sep 6th, 2020
ToixStory
A crazy winter lover who likes to write, blog, and cartograph about the fun and inconsequential.
ToixStory
Joined 17th Jan, 2012 ·
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Bravo
Another great story Toix!
3564404
Thank ya kindly.
A nice, warm, Christmastime story if there ever was one.
There were only a few issues really that I had with it, and for me, the big issues center around Rainbow Dash. I'm not trying to be too harsh, and it isn't that I think they're all necessary fixes, but I'd suggest it to improve the quality and feeling of the story itself regardless.
There's a moment near the start of the fic where Applejack dusts Rainbow with snow, and the most reaction we get out of her is annoyance. In this case, Rainbow would take pretty much whatever Applejack did in this manner as a direct challenge. She'd start pitching snow back, using her wings to bury Applejack in the stuff, regardless of her earlier irritation. If Applejack did protest, Rainbow would tell her, "You started it!" This is a bit of a nit-pick for sure, and while it's not necessary to fix, I think Rainbow would be more playful in the snow than she's portrayed here, especially with Applejack around. Maybe Dash's nervousness of the cold in your case got to her and sapped her drive to frolic.
But this brings me to another point. To me, it feels like the whole "fear of the cold" thing is a little forced and sudden. First of all, in my personal opinion, I actually speculate that Rainbow would be highly resistant to the cold. Her ability to fly at altitudes where the temperature drops dramatically on a regular basis would imply that evolutionarily, she's adapted to be able to take it regularly. She can likely, because of her bird-like flight characteristics, hit heights of over 20,000 feet, where a human would freeze to death in seconds (we're talking minus 20 to minus 40 degrees Celsius on average, which are near-polar temperatures). This isn't even at the extremes of what terran avians can do. There are some geese who can hit altitudes of well over 21,000 feet, a standard cruising level for an airliner. Some vultures and other geese can hit upwards of 30,000 feet. Pegasi, in this case, likely have a very fluffy, dense undercoat to insulate them well against the chill and moisture, and her wings should never freeze as easily as your portrayed them to either, as feathers are an excellent insulator too. If you've ever run your hand through the fur of a Siberian Husky or Alaskan Malamute, it's likely very similar for Rainbow Dash. They're built for the cold and working hard in it. If you wanted to play up her cold resistance even more, you could imply that her metabolism slows in the cold to help conserve her fat layers, much like a snow dog's does to help it stay warm. It just doesn't feel quite accurate. If anything, Applejack needs the extra scarf, since her fur is likely very thin and doesn't offer much protection against the elements, much like an actual pony's fur. If you wanted to give these two a reason to snuggle and be close, Rainbow likely radiates quite an amount of heat and is very comfortable in snowy conditions, while Applejack is the one that's actually in distress.
Unless Rainbow just feels like hamming it up for Applejack's attention and sympathy, in which case, she's a clever little git.
But if you really are going to go the route of Rainbow being the cold one and her being in danger of freezing, then you should probably give us a greater sense of urgency. Stretch the scenes out. Make it feel like time is slowing down for us. When someone is in danger, panic tends to mess with our perceptions of reality. Further, describe how Rainbow's body is behaving. Her ears should fold back, her fur should fluff out, the areas under her eyes should look a bit darker than the rest of her. Her feathers should be poofed out to provide better protection from the cold. Shivering uncontrollably is likely, almost to the point where she has trouble moving. If you wanted to get more in-depth with Rainbow's progression through the phases of hypothermia, I'd suggest you read this article: Hypothermia It'll take you through the different symptoms of a person with critically-low body temperature.
Again, though, I feel that the whole freezing-to-death bit was unnecessary, except possibly using it as development. A kind of "lean on me" thing. Except, in this case, I think Rainbow should've been the crutch, not the other way around.
It was a cute story, though, and despite my feelings about a few inaccuracies, I think you did well. The only other thing I'd suggest is looking up the term, "to be verbs" and cut them out of your vocabulary whenever possible. They generally weaken the narration and leave it wanting in terms of "oomph". Whenever you come across a "to be" verb, you can almost always bet that there's a better way to phrase the narration. You can leave them in in dialogue, if you wish. In fact, I'd suggest it, since it gives a better sense of legitimacy to the conversation.
Happy writing!
-TUC
3565219
Welp, this is why I:
A) Never write AJ or RD
B) Never write short stories
3565250
I didn't mean it as a personal attack against you. I just felt that there were a few things you could improve upon. If this is the 1.0 release, as it were, your next revision could be the 1.1. The only reason I left such a long and detailed review in the first place was because I wanted to see more of this out of you in the future.
3565270
Well, it's more I did this on a whim, going out of my comfort zone tonally and stylistically, and obviously failed, not to mention I wrote it back in September. Really, just proves I should stick to my multi-chapter stories than try my hand at one-shots.
3565294
Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. I had hoped my criticism would encourage you further, not push you away.
3565330
It was good criticism, don't get me wrong, but I actually blundered on a different short story earlier today and released this to hopefully cheer myself and other people up, but managed to blunder that.
3565347
Got me to smile, at least.
I love this time of year, and stories like this are exactly what I love about this holiday season.
This story certainly had the best of both worlds. Friendshipping and holiday spirits. From AJ trying to stay focused on making sure they have a tree for the holidays (I won't get into ponies chopping down trees just for the sake of decorations), Rainbow Dash fooling around and wanting to help her friend, to growing dangers of being stuck out during a blizzard if they didn't hurry with Rainbow Dash's growing unease with the cold, this story just had a wonderful setting from the very beginning.
We all have ways of interpreting a character, and sometimes we do or say things because we think it'll work best for moment even when it might just come out sounding a bit too forced or out of character. Despite a climaxing scene of Dash revealing her anxieties to AJ, RD says some things that she'd probably rather swim in a pool full of Pinkie Pies than say in front of AJ. But, that scene gets a bit neutralized with AJ sharing a bit of her own past issues that eventually leads to picking up the story and make you forget or ignore the minor things people might have with characterization on RD's part.
With a new sense of renewed spirit we get treated to some of what we love best about Rainbow Dash. That moment when you know she's gonna do something she knows she should do. With AJ fully on board, we get into the heated action of the story and see some really good bonding with these two as the once mentioned LOOMING THREAT has all but trapped.
The ending was certainly just what I was hoping for, it was delivered by the pony of the hour flawlessly. Now, if we had a bit of an epilogue to show off the ponies retelling their, with a few modifications, of the events as we slowly pan out of everypony enjoying the Hearth Warming festivities and that lovely decorated tree all the friends decorated with their own individual memento, and then slowly panning out of Twilight's Library, with ponies having a good laugh or two, we slowly fade to black and toss out a nice Seasons Greetings to All . . . this story would truly feel complete.
------------------------------
But that's not the point, and this doesn't need such an epilogue for what this was about. The focus was about nopony having time for poor little Applejack. Everypony was busy or didn't want to go. The stallions that normally did the job SHE volunteered for was a tough one, but one she was more than able to do on her own. But she wanted, needed, companionship to ease her mind and keep boredom at bay. And that's the thing Rainbow Dash did. This story is about friendship and I feel it excelled splendidly in that regard. So no, it doesn't need that final paragraph to add whatever holiday moral stuff, why? Because being a good friend is not something you decide to be on certain days, its a full time job and it takes two to make it work equally giving and not just taking from them when you want it.
It might be pretty cold where I'm at but I'm still warm. I highly recommend this to anyone looking for a solid Friendshipping story that runs more show level standards. If you're looking for just the shipping part, this is not the story for you. But if you love AJ and you love Rainbow Dash, and you love stories with those two ponies, you can't go wrong with this.
A nice touching story for this time of year. It was over to soon for me personally but the message of the story was nice. Good job
Quite nice little story between these two. It seemed a little 'odd' for Dash to be so, I dunno, passive throughout most of it. I'd expect her to help out whether or not Applejack wanted it. ;)
Lovely and sweet story, i loved it
Nice build-up of tension and good dynamic between AJ and Dashie.
You can has review!