When a male human is created in the Canterlot Underground Labs and tortured for experiment, what will he do in order to free himself from his captors and live the life of freedom he craves?
This is the first fanfic I have written ever, so any criticism or advice is much obliged. Leave both good and negative comments for anything you have to say about the story.
Cover Art by Mexican Brony 101, with it being a linoleum print on paper.
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Great job for you're first story! I love the concept of it.
3158837 Yay! I'm not hated! I've been refreshing the page non-stop since posting!
Well, this fic sure is dripping with HUMAN TORTURE!
Still thought, I RECOMMEND you do some human redemption EVEN if it ends up having super advance space marine saving the human.
Or else, lol the dislikes will start to come in. No one likes seeing their own species get tortured no matter how good it is portrayed.
3159040 Suddenly SPARTAN's!
3159040 No worries, some redemption will come soon enough. Just a feel of what he had been enduring for 4 years for the readers.
Seems like I've read something like this before. Not the same story mind you, but a human being tortured by ponies for... reasons.
This begs the same question, namely why is this happening and what purpose does it serve? Okay, they created something in a lab and proceed to torture it for the next few years and no reason is given for this. Why make something just to torture it? Wouldn't it be simpler not to mention cheaper to kidnap some pony and do the same thing to them?
There's also the problem with the narrative. Writing in first person is difficult because it limits what can be said since we as the audience can only know what it is the main character knows. If you want to tell what's happening outside his POV, you can't. This leads to the unfortunate exposition and infodump where we're told through #64 thinking about his situation what is happening and what has happened to him.
I guess I'm just not invested in this character or his reasons for being there.
3159825 A lot of questions will be answered In later chapters, and as quickly as possible before you start to lose interest.
why is he named 64? was he the 64th Human to be created? if so, then we all know what happened to the ones before him.
3160832 He named 64 due to the fact he was the 64th project created in the labs. You will find out about the other 63 in later chapters. That and I love the number due to Nintendo 64.
Listen here author, i have no idea who you arte, but i will find you; and I will personally hug you for making this story. damn i love this, it incorporates evil Celestia, less than moral ponies, a very human character, and Twilight sparkle, what more could we want?
Suggestion, after you mentioned Twilight sparkle being used as an experimental test weapon, you could possible trigger 64's escape with some sort of tiny-twilight-pony-powered-explosion, and lead of from there, and maybe once he gets out to the surface and spreads the truth about inhumane(inponymane?) testing going on down in Generic Evil Torture Lab 7, shit goes down. Yep. Just an idea though.
Have a like, AND favourite.
3159825
Simple, we think it's torture, they think it's for science and research
3161196 You are an awesome person. And although the escape is near, Twilight will have no part of it. But trust me, the escape will be an escape of great skill.
3161695
Maybe, but I find the execution of it a little lacking. There's villainy and then there's cartoon supervillainy. I just feel this is swinging a little too far into the overkill spectrum.
It also begs the question how is he healing so quickly from all these wounds he's getting? If it's some innate ability he has then he's close to being superhuman. I'd watch it or come up with a suitable explanation for this.
3161831
hey, we would've done the same thing to them if we created them... well, the depending on the government. But they would definitely get that treatment in the USA or Russia.
3161721 *Squee*
It was good, but the POV kept switching from 1st to 3rd every now and again
3163394 Damn, I need to learn to proofread a little better, thanks for the heads up!
I think this story has some real potential. Good work so far, I'm interested in seeing what you do with this story.
3163470 Thanks, I really want to try hard to make this a good first story.
3163475
The concept is pretty fresh if you ask me, so there are lots of places you could take it. Good luck, I'm certain you've got what it takes to make a good story
3163493 Thanks, I'll need it.
YES, my day has been made once again.
I think this story is very good, however I think the reason for those several dislikes is because people don't like seeing their species to be below another. I don't think people should dislike a story just because the concept makes them feel less powerful. This story's great, and besides a few odd moments with the POV, it's very nice, and I'd very much like to see 64 severely mess some ponies up with his LIGHT SABAH!!!!!
3163536 It's not only a SABAH! It's gonna be a lot more than that by the end of the story.
'reading'... "My name is Vi, and I am within the Peacemaker. I am what makes the weapon work...." 'reading'... HOLY SHIT!!! E.O.E!!!!
I WANNA SEE MOAR!
Sw33t1e B0t d3mand5 1t!
3164443 Sorry I'm an idiot, what does E.O.E stand for?
3164907 New chapter on Sunday!
MOAR, NAO!
3165345upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/a/a2/EOE_-_Eve_of_Extinction.jpg/250px-EOE_-_Eve_of_Extinction.jpg
3165860 Never heard of it, hopefully it doesn't seem like I'm taking ideas from there. Am I?
3166222i need MOAR!!!!MOAR I SAY!!!!! GIVE ME MOAR OR I SHALL DESTROY THE TACO! :3
3166338 There will be more! DON'T HURT THAT TACO.
3165429 There will be more! Sunday, September 8th!
3166338TACOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Is Vi related to "Way of The Shadows" in any way?
3166841 The name was taken from Season 1 of The Walking Dead, but that's as far as I went as far as inspiration for her.
3166222 no... maybe a littlets1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4829520039642216&pid=1.7&w=160&h=160&c=7&rs=1
ts1.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.4733433018386252&pid=1.7&w=221&h=172&c=7&rs=1 but who cares
3166836....... i don't know how it happend but i am now watching 'IT' on your comment ........ save me
Kill that bitch! 64 kill Celestia.....
Some fitting music?
3169268 Dang! That really fits!
3169341 Feel free to put in the chapter if you want, not my music, so I don't care what you do with it.
Allon-y! To ponyville. Or manehatten, Or somethin'
I had a brilliant idea, Since this takes place back in time, When the main 6 are still fillies, Can you have a chapter where 64 meets some of the main 6 i.e Pinkie,Fluttershy,Rarity, Applejack....
Something like that.
And I also have another idea, That revolves around the show itself.
Rainbowdash never truely believed in herself(Refrence to the sonicboom Ep) and 64 comes along and says "You are you, Never let anybody tell you different. You are what makes life Awesome
You can do anything if you put your mind too it."
Then she performes the rainboom. And her friends get cutiemarks.
So yeah those are my two dumb ideas
3169545 Heh, great ideas, sadly I don't think I will get around to using them. Notes for future chapters are already in the editing stage of things, and I don't have any plans for 64 to meet the Mane 6 in the past. More confusion will be cleared up next chapter, along with revealing why 64 was locked up in the first place!
This story just gets better and better. Oddly enough, I feel as if this could be made into a video game.
I don't even usually like violent stories, how is this so good?
Bout the release date, It is the 8th here in NZ. So jokes on you.
3169760desk face
3170617 Well shit...