Emerald Mist, an illusionist unicorn born and raised in Manehattan, has been on a journey for several months. Searching for a certain pony, he ends up passing through the quaint town of Ponyville. What he didn't expect, however, was how much this town would change things for him. Namely, the rediscovery of an old friend he hadn't seen in years, Applejack. Seeing her again relindles old feelings in him, and he finds himself unwilling to leave.
The biggest change to his life, however, comes soon after. One awakening triggers others, and later that very same day Jade Mist emerges within him. Now having to share a mind with Jade, who claims to be a part of Emerald and vice versa, life is about to get a lot more complicated for him.
It won't be long before Emerald and Jade will have to come to face with things they've been running from. Things that could potentially ruin whatever happiness they can achieve. Their past, both remembered and forgotten, is catching up with them.
I like the opening scene with the train, set the mood nicely. Reasonable inclusion of MMC episode, and the confused crusaders (and reference to Bab's division) was a nice touch.
Emerald... is a nice guy I guess? He seems to abort his thoughts a lot, setting up mental walls when thinking about the past (home) and the future (ponyville), preferring to live in the present.
I feel you could have gone into a little bit more visual detail for his mental breakdown to give it a more visceral texture. "places never seen, creatures never heard of" doesn't really evoke much in terms of imagination. If you're trying to show human memories without being overt about it, what about something like "shining buildings shooting up to the heavens, stubby tubes writhing and entwining in a mad dance past rows of twisted symbols, a great glowing eye watching with an unblinking stare"?
Overall smoother than Dark and Weary and not quite as heavy handed on the plot dumps, which speaks for increased writing experience. There are a few spelling and grammar errors, but it's a pretty nice intro chapter when all's said.
3086778
Thank you so much for the commentary. I was getting especially eager after nearly 10 hours of writing to finally submit it, and I do think that description of the flooding memories suffered ever so slightly for it. I will go back sometime soon and retouch that, but otherwise I do think that I did a good job curbing my eagerness for plot progression, and thanks to that, I was able to get across exactly the kind of personality for Emerald Mist that I wanted to. You picked up on the exact things I was trying to get across, and that makes me even more satisfied with how it has progressed. I will definitely try to subtly dive more into the reasons for his guarded behavior and more so the relationship he will have with 'himself'.
i am very confused now
3090038
Confused in what way?
*infamois*
Wow. Awesome story, man. Really well done!
3097679
Thank you very much. I look forward to your continued readership.
This story has officially been graded an Opal by The Gem Hunters
3727024
Thank you kindly! I shall work hard on it in the future, and hopefully get it bumped up to Emerald at the least.
fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/003/8/a/opals_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70or2a.jpg
A Gem Hunter's Opal.
Will this continue?
3902785 Eventually. I just need the right inspiration, and I am kinda just starting an experiment that may help me with just that.
3905633
Aweshome. I will be watching.
Huh, the crusaders were the performers all along? Well, this can't end badly at all.
You might want to add a sequence break between these two sections, as there is a rather sudden transition from omniscient narrator to first/third person limited narrator.
4255896 I'll get to that soon. If that's the only problem with the chapter, then I think I've done a pretty darn good job with it.
And yesh. Cutie Mark Crusaders; Circus Performers! Let the chaos commence!
4258839 I didn't say it was the only thing, but it stood out as what most needed to be fixed for the narrative to be consistent and workable.
I"LL BE WAITING FOR DA NEXT CHAPTERR!
Plz continue this i really wNt to keep reading it ðŸ˜
9994081
Sadly I canceled this story a long time ago, and on top of that also just haven't written anything in a good long while.
My ideas for Emerl and Jade did change a lot, though, and if you want to see the most recent itteration of him, you could check out my story Life Fiber Harmonize. It's a Kill la Kill crossover that I'm really proud of.