"You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people, and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?"
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Queen Chrysalis's Changeling Swarm2,759 stories ·3,967 members
Shortly after the announcement of the massive assault on Canterlot, a changeling drone sees Chrysalis' attack plan fail before it even begins. How will the Queen of the hive react when said drone proclaims these visions?
Inspired by the song "Tomorrow Comes Today" by Gorillaz.
Dedicated to Fallen Prime and twow443.
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Oh, boy...
I smell Minority Report...
The Queen is an idiot to ignore information of such magnitude and deserved to lose because of it.
2865947 The idea was that she was too full of herself to believe what the precog said, hence her arrogance being her downfall in the long run. She's kind of a bitch.
Really great story! It's unusual to see a one-shot with OCs that has characters this good. Cool premise as well. Over all, mucho bueno.
This is really depressing :(
Howdy, Kalash93 here. I'll be writing up a review for this soon.
This is Kalash93 of Authors Helping Authors with a review for your story.
Grammatik: 10 -- I couldn't find any issues with it. Of course, I'm not a nuts and bolts kind of guy. Nevertheless, it looked fine.
Pros:
1. Your world building was highly effective, original, and important to the plot.
2. Your characterization was brilliant.
3. You did a lot with a short story.
Cons:
1. The main character has an anoyingly Mary Sue ability.
2. It needed more dialogue.
3. You could have used more showing rather than telling for characterization.
Comments
The absolute star of this story is world-building for the changelings. Not a lot of authors do much with it other than make out how the changelings are somehow like bees or ants. The Reflectors were a brilliant idea and made the changelings seem more sinister and sympathetic at the same time. You really told a changeling story, instead of a story that could be described as wrote about ponies and then used ctrl-f to replace that term with changeling. You did a very good job on the characterization. All your characters drip with personality and uniqueness. I can very strongly identify with your protagonist very easily. I actually felt for Artemus and your protagonist at the end. That was quite the painful dillema you put them in, and I like it when an author doesn't give his characters and easy out of a tough situation. Props for not half-assing it on the darkness. You went pretty deep into a lot of stuff with this 4K word story. However, it has more substance to it than 50K word peices I've gone through. Not a single word is wasted and it all creates a very immersive experience. Your style is rich and efficient. I ought to be taking notes. Now, here are some issues I took with your story. Firstly, the main character has precognition. That's not a bad thing, but it does seem slightly like a Mary Sue trait. You handled it well enough by making it a liability. However, in the otherwise quite harsh and gritty story, it felt out of place, as if a skyclad Wiccan coven suddenly barged in halway through the third act of The Crucible. Now, I think you could have used more dialogue. This kind of story really thrives on bonding with the characters, and one of the best ways to do that is to make them speak. Your first person narration did excellent work, but I would have liked to have seen more talking. Dialogue lets you put in the little quirks and things that really bring a character to life. What you wrote was quite good, but merely functional. It all felt properly used and in place, so I can't really fault it for much. Lastly, you could have doen without quite so much telling. You don't need to go into detail reitterating things you've just revealed to us through dialogue or action or narration. It felt like padding. And while it added wait to the story, I still feel as though perhaps a more austere style would have suited this better. Overall, it's very good and I definitely enjoyed it. You win 9/10 flutteryays, which is great; almost perfection Average is 5/10 flutteryays.
I hope you enjoyed your review. If it's not too much trouble, could you please give one of my stories a review? As for which one, I don't really care. Thematically, my closest ones are Shell Shock and I Did Not Want To Die. However,you really may pick any story of mine you like.
Keep on rocking -- Kalash93
"We were so close the surface, we could almost taste it."
I think you meant to say: "We were so close to the surface, we could almost taste it."
Oh, and btw, review incoming!
"The queen looked upwards, to where me and my so-called mate"
This part threw me off pretty good... Earlier you said that he was his roommate, now he's his mate? As in sexual partner?
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Before You Kill Me
Grammar Score out of 10: 9
Pros:
1. The story was very descriptive, making me feel as if I was part of the hive myself.
2. The characterization of the changelings was spot on, although you could have done more showing than telling.
3. The part at the end was extremely well written; it had me sitting on the end of my seat till the very end.
Cons:
1. Near the end of the first paragraph, you use the word “individual” twice within five words. Even though you italicize it, it still feels awkward, and it tripped me up.
2. The way you wrote the story, often saying “my brethren” was disconcerting on several occasions.
3. The first several paragraphs are much too long to be read comfortably.
Final Thoughts: Well damn! The ending of this story was incredibly captivating; it literally made my heart beat faster when I saw that he had to kill his friend. I normally don’t read stories like this, but I thoroughly enjoyed this one. I was surprised to see it end so abruptly though; I really think you should continue this.
Overall, this was an excellent story (9/10), so have a thumbs up!
Enjoy your review! Thanks for reviewing: What Once Was
3042439 Good heavens no, maybe this was me being a little loose with my choice of words, but mate means friend here. Odd though, since nobody pointed this out before. I will also make those little edits you pointed out whenever I find the time. As for continuing the story, I already have a collab I plan on doing with my boyfriend. It's not really a sequel, although it does continue and expand upon the setting and concepts presented in this fic. Thanks for the review!
I cried again!
I don't get it. Both were changelings? Both were assimilated? And how is this not a good plan or destined to fail? How does breaking their horns make them free or something? Also "more equal" makes no sense at all though I suspect what you mean. I don't believe that the plan was destined to fail. As a plan it was executed poorly but as a general plan, and with Chrysalis blocking the elements plus the element of surprise it was nice.
I'm also having a hard time accepting the "fact" that seeing into the future was not magic. I am not buying it at all and it's not convincing for me. It's also un-necessarily complicated to be purely biological. I mean I know of creatures that predict weather or other stuff by using their organs but this being only to one but not to all changelings sounds a bit... Well it's like the mutation is too big to be a simple mutation. In any case if the premotions were accurate there would be no reason for Chrysalis not to change her plans and adapt. Rule something of Evil Overlord to-do list always listen to advisors, especially 5 year olds. Occam's Razor. Magic would have been fine.
Also Minority report also suggests that these are possible futures not certain as your character says. Plus as I said I don't believe the plan was bad but rather its' execution.
Also it's Artemis but I guess you tried the female thingie. Plus I get confused when he mentions brethren. Is it the ponies or changelings?
Too short to make me feel something.
5656116
The horn keeps them alive. The Pre-cog had known his life through his transformation and had been hiding it. Also, even if you calculated the changeling chances they were highly likely to fail for chrysalis's later mentioned ego. And the Pre-cog lost his mind In pain and suffering, going to Artemesus memories and thoughts.
6950725 your response time is impeccable. I don't even remember the story by now. I am not reading it again.
6950955
I read so many stories on this sight, I forgot about this. Check out "love is blind" From Raijingtheclockworkpony. It's awesome.
6951051 link? And why should I read it?
6951100
Because of a glitch I can't link you it but it's adorable so please read it.
6951186 This is irrelevant to the fic and sorta rude for the writer here.
And I have encountered it before. I am not reading it as it is big.
Well, the precog is an idiot. He really seemed to know what would happen if he spoke up but decided to not just lie or decline to comment. He could have easily spared his friend and himself the horrors but instead he actively doomed himself.