- Member Since 6th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen Wednesday
The Real Darkness
"You're wrong, I have the power of peace if I can unite all under one banner. When we all have the same goal, paradise, the world will be at rest."
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The Real Darkness · 2.3k words · 13 5 · 547 views
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Please leave suggestions for this story and things I could do to help improve this.
Why is everyone thumbing it down?
Give me opinions and why you guys think this is bad.
You need to fix the format of your story because you have a lot of sentences that look like this:
I awoke and saw Celestia in the huge bed next to me asleep but not anywhere close to me.I let sleep take
me
again until morning.When I awoke again I saw Celestia come back in through the balcony and noticed
she
had a sun on her flank and I remembered the six ponies I saw yesterday had marks on their flanks as
well.
That is a huge eyesore and most people will be deterred just by looking rather than reading, so the sentence should look like this or something similar:
I awoke and saw Celestia in the huge bed next to me asleep but not anywhere close to me.I let sleep take me again until morning.When I awoke again I saw Celestia come back in through the balcony and noticed she had a sun on her flank and I remembered the six ponies I saw yesterday had marks on their flanks as well.
So just fix the format more and you will be better off, well sayonara for now.
2833942
Thank you for bringing this to my attention.I'll get to it right away.Can't believe I made such a careless mistake with transferring words.
Were you even interested in the story based upon the description and what you read?
There is something with this entire story that is putting me off, although I am not entirely sure what it is. It may be the fact that a 10 year old child that is now 13 years old after only a six month time gap in the story is falling in love with a pony that is most likely much older than him. Also, I feel as if there is no/not much shown emotion for many events such as when Amos attacks the timber wolves, I would have expected a 13 year old child to be scared or maybe curious than to just full on attack.
If the age of Amos were never mentioned in the story I would have most likely assumed that he was perhaps a young adult, in other words he is acting a lot more mature than what his actual age is. I personally would have expected shyness, fear, and maybe even anger from a young and abused child. There are many other things I have spotted wrong in the story, and in my opinion, the story, as well as your writing can only get better. I will follow this story just to see what happens, but no offense, I think it is already going downhill.
My humble opinions:
I like the idea,
but the u r making some abrupt jumps on time,
i think u could take a little more time to explain certain things,
also maybe a 1 chapter a little longer.
At this point, i highly recommend that u take a while and rewrite this, the history now feel so rushed, like encounter said, wtf, suddenly amos knows swordsmanship, have the 6 months recovering in bed and suddenly haves the physical traits of average ponys?, also he is too cunning for his age, right now sounds like he is preparing for war o maybe assassinate somepony.
I agree with both of these coments, but keep in mind that this story has a fair amount if potential. You DEFINATELY need a proof-reader, however. Also, forgive me for asking but, is engilish your first language? Your other story that I've read would say so. The wording seems really awkward at times.
2836106
If he did know swordsmanship well he wouldn't have been injured.Say cunning if you must but look at how he was treated for six years.SIX years!He would obviously want to be prepared for anything.The sword given to him, which he doesn't like to use unless he has to, was enchanted to be lightweight.He was never told that it was so as a result he thinks he is quite strong.There is also a magic field that can be felt all over Equestria, how do you think that a human body would react to such?He may be close to average pony running speed but that is only because he is determined to try his best in Equestria.He wants to have a great life that was never given to him.During those six months he was given great food filled with many vitamins and minerals.He was also given some pills that contained such if he needed so.His body recovered some while his injuries were healing
2835900
The faster aging will be explained later on.I also plan to change the numbers so it could make more since.His mind is still young so he can't fully comprehend mysterious happenings in the world.He attacked because he didn't want to lose his friends or his friend's trust.If you haven't had any friends since the day you were born and beaten constantly and not allowed to die, would you be afraid to lose your friends over things that you did NOT do?I would think so.If you noticed he has said "I hope" to himself.He was self-doubting himself.He didn't think he could handle it.If he hadn't been used to the pain from all the beating in his years back on Earth he would have flinched in agony too much.That would give the timberwolves time to fully attack and then brutally slaughter him.Remember though, Celestia was the one to take him in.She had been teaching him about friendship through reports of Twilight.Thus, was taught to never abandon your friends and to always help them when you can.I shall make a lot of changes, just give me time.
2836751
English is my first language.I am still searching for a proofreader or editor.I am hoping that Alchemo Arrow accepts my request.I may write awkward according to you.I do so because it just feels normal to me.Every writer has a different style of writing, right?Many people have said this story has a lot or some potential.
I plan to take a break on this for a little and work on Never Leave Me.
2836892
I honestly have no come back for that. Hat tip to you, my good sir. at least this is getting a better reception than my last story...
2841020
Don't let bad receptions get to you. Just keep on trucking. Determination is key to becoming a good writer. Plus, having practice and planning out your story a lot before uploading comes in handy so you can make slight changes in the future fast. That is exactly what I did. If you want I can take a look at that story and see what suggestions I can give or be a proofreader for you.
2841040
funny that you should mention planning, I have no less than 10 different ways to get the main character to Ponyville, and no less than 10 ways he will fall in love with his future wife, and no less than 10 different jobs he will have in Ponyville.
And no, I have no intention to continue with it publicly. I will write it for my friends, and people who WANT to read it.
2841062
Message me them once I take a look at the story. You have a little too many ways and need to narrow down. I can help point out things that will cause loopholes further in the story. Making many ways is also good, but it can make it hard to decide on which to use.
When The Lost One took off it was rough. As I got deeper into the story the likes went up.so see how it does for a moment. Ask for criticism that you can use.
Cars in Equestria? Did you really mean to type that?
2848639
Yes, this means as in train cars, separate parts of a train. I believe you had a dumb moment.
2848655 Ah I did indeed, thanks!
2849100
No need to thank me. It's kinda what I do.
I hope to see much more comments in the future. Good writing and reading to you all who didn't immediately click the dislike button.
Not to flame but if he's ten then he wouldn't know how money works and he would not be thinking about a job, Also someone his age would be innocent and would not get sexual hints. And suggestions if you changed his age to like 14-16 it would seem more legit
2854945
Where could you notice this? I don't see him realizing any sexual hint here at all. Also, you need to read thoroughly, his age does change.
2854979. When rarity asks him to take of fhis cloths, and I am at chapter 7 so I see no big age change so far and, Really? 7 foot long sword , that's bigger then. Himself. That he can swing it easily. I don't comment unless there some serious logic flaws, not to mention how big the case must be
2855012
It wasn't a sexual hint. If you had to strip down almost bare in front of anyone, would you be embarrassed beyond comprehension? I know I would. As for the length of the blade it makes since if you recall, it was magically enchanted to be light as a feather. So, that wouldn't be wrong in logic.
This is just splendid! All of you guys are liking this. I am shocked to see that even since this started off with a very rough start that it got this good. If only you guys would start commenting as well. That would be fantastic. They don't even have to have any criticism. I just like to hear from the audience.
'overtook by the CLOD wind'
I think you might want to adjust that.
2858282
Thanks for that. I would more rather like to hear some feedback on the story than correcting errors, but the corrections do help.
*take off sun glasses like in an old cop show* good job celestia
Is that sephiroth's blade...
2862974
Sadly, it isn't masamune. But then I wouldn't be here to reply since I would be at the end of the...er...eight yard dai katana, if it was.(dai meaning great, meaning to be held with two hands, it's japanese). I would have it pierced my heart, be decapitated, or be perfectly cut in two. Nor is it the buster sword, my fellow FF fan.
While I won't unfave this, I feel I must give some criticism.
You have a decent storyline and the sequence of events is compelling, but you should REALLY flesh it out a bit more than you have.
2864672
Thanks, any criticism is welcome as long as it isn't overly harsh.
2865059 I forgot to say that the prologue and ch1 are fine though.
2867269
Thanks, I really wanted to make the reader imagine the hell this boy has lived through and to have a lot of sympathy for him.
P.S. My other story, Never Leave Me, has an alternate ending that will make you shed your manly tears.
2867908 Tears?
Please, those are for people with souls.
Granted, I do HAVE a soul...it's just not originally mine.
Red be my hair.
2869885
Then black be your soul.
2870279 Maybe, but I won it in a game of dice, so it's not my fault if it's black.
2872315 Annnnnndddd...that's why life sucks...
2872492 Of course it sucks. If it didn't, Bronies wouldn' be the most hated fandom on the internet.
2872553
Exactly why I remain to be a closet brony...nooooone shall know...oh wait...
2872596 Does your family know?
Mine doesn't.
2872609
Currently only the fellow bronies here know...no one else....I plan to keep it that way.
2872623 Same here.
2872739
I know my friends wouldn't take it good, well only one would stick by my side, but yea. Anyways, excuse me while I start writing a new chapter.
nope
2873640 Nope as in you didn't like this chapter or nope as in you didn't like the whole story?
Now that was a fun chapter. a lot of men wood like to be in Amos position. I can't wait to see the next chapter. I do hope it will be soon. I wanted to know if Luna and Princess celestia go into heat ones or twice a year? Do they have more control over there bodys? When Amos met Luna that nite was she in heat? Is this how ponys git there speshow sum pony? The male Pony's wood have the same problem as the female pony's have if they where hit with mare sent. I am surprise Amos did not meet more male pony's in the bad lands for the same rezone Amos was there.
2877227
Well the princesses are considered goddesses and they can rule quite a lot of subjects, right? It would only make sense if they were able to deal with those "urges" through the power of their great magic or that they would have heat much less often since they are almost immortal. Take your pick of those two. So Celestia and Luna do have more control over their bodies, but their comes a point in which even they have to submit to such urges. The ponies have a sense of romance, but that is not at all how they get their special somepony. The whole subject of heat is so that the ponies(keep in mind that even though they are sentient they are still animals and have some instinct) can reproduce. The stallions, in my opinion, have small "urges" throughout their lives. During a mare's heat, the stallion which would most likely be in a relationship with the stallion would choose to reproduce with them or not.(I'm starting to sound like a damn scientist aren't I)Anyways, Amos didn't see much other ponies in the Badlands, because....well...as the show would most likely have it the Badlands would be seen as...bad. Law and Order was a pony who just wanted some time alone, think of his name and that gavel cutie mark. You know what his job probably is. The other stallions went off to much safer areas say...the Whitetail Woods, some plains, or some mountains where they were away from most or all of the population. I'm glad that you enjoy this story so much. Check out my other story Never Leave Me if you might want some more interesting moments of good chapters. The early alternate ending upon it is very...(spoiler).
Just realized, I just gave you a small speech to read. Have fun!
Better, but still a little fast.
The Rainbow Dash part was very well paced though.
2877511
I have written long before I ever joined this site. I didn't have any feedback thought other than contest rejection with no criticism.
So I couldn't really fine tune any of my writing whether it be a poem or story/short story.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to writing the new chapter for Alchemy Vs. Magic.