Brothers

PhillyCh3zSt3ak #1 · Dec 29th, 2013 · · · 2) first encounter ·

"Why do you carry with you a cupcake that put ponies to sleep?" Twilight asked, but quickly regretted that when Pinkie mane went straight and her smile became creepy. "Do you really want to know the answer?" Pinkie asked.

You should separate that into two different lines like I've shown below:

"Why do you carry with you a cupcake that put ponies to sleep?" Twilight asked, but quickly regretted that when Pinkie's mane went straight and her smile became creepy.
"Do you really want to know the answer?" Pinkie asked.

It helps prevent confusion on who is talking. I also added an apostrophe.
Same thing with thoughts (as mentioned in the first chapter and the end of this chapter). I suggest either italicizing or using a single quote like for example:

"Steven I will make you pay. I swear I will make you feel pain, I will make you suffer" Rafael thought to himself.

Could appear as:

'Steven I will make you pay. I swear I will make you feel pain, I will make you suffer,' Rafael thought to himself.

In most stories that I've read here on the site and in most published books that seems to be the standard when stating a thought when telling a story from a third-person perspective.
I'm just giving you a few tips, use them if you want to.

tomer3392

tomer3392 #2 · Dec 30th, 2013 · · · 2) first encounter ·

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thanks, i will use these tips in the next chapter.

Prince Fullmoon

Prince Fullmoon #3 · Jan 15th, 2014 · · · 3) introduction ·

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3700825
What chapter is this that has the Twilight and Pinkie business happen?

tomer3392

tomer3392 #4 · Jan 15th, 2014 · · · 3) introduction ·

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3791138 chapter 2 "first encounter"

ARC190

ARC190 #5 · Jan 22nd, 2014 · · · 1) Every end is a beginning (the edited version) ·

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there are a few things, that really bug me about this chapter:

First, there are many errors in your grammar! For example,

He went to take a bath to wash off the sweat of his body but most of all to remove the terrible dream that last night he dreamed out of his head.

It should actually say:

He went to take a bath to wash all the sweat off of his body, but most of all to remove the terrible dream that he dreamed last night.

But it would have been better, if you had written it like this:

He went to take a bath to wash all the sweat off of his body, but first and foremost to remove the feeling last night's nightmare had left.

Secondly, there are inconsistencies in the text! For example, first he says this:

He looked at his watch and as always it was 7:00 am. "I have two hours until I have to go to work" thought Rafael.

but then, you write this:

Rafael looked at his watch and saw he had one hour before he needed to go to work

But THEN there is this:

Rafael turned off the TV after he looked at his watch and saw that it was 8:00 and that he needed to leave than so he would not be late for work.

First, who takes a bath in the morning, if they have to work in two hours?
Second, who takes one hour to wash themselves, if they have to go to work in two hours!?
And lastly, how do you translate 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. to be two hours apart!?!?

Thirdly, there are dozens of parts that you could have written more elegantly! For example,

In one corner of the room stood a small refrigerator, next to it stationed a counter in which a microwave was placed on and next to it he had a sink under it was a dishwasher and in the middle of the room stood a dining table and a chair facing the TV, the table was made out of wood and the dining chair was made of some plastic.

A better way of writing that would be:

In one corner of the room stood a small refrigerator, next to which stood a counter that held a microwave on top of it. Next to that, there were a sink and dishwasher, and in the center of the room stood a wooden dining table and a plastic chair, which was facing the TV.

And then there is that stuff the news guy said!

Today we are facing an historical turning point in human history, here in the Tel Aviv university, scientists believe they have found a star about 69 billion light years from Earth.
scientists claim the star probably with time will have the same conditions that we here on earth, and all we have to do to get there is to wait for

Firstly, the universe is only about 13.5 billion years old. anything that is 69 billion lightyears away will have to wait about 55.5 billion years to be seen here on earth.
Secondly, such a discovery is no 'turning point in human history', especially not until they have a way of getting there.
And lastly, what's with the double space in the middle of the sentence?

This story is holey, and the only holes I like can't be found anywhere in a written story.

tomer3392

tomer3392 #6 · Jan 22nd, 2014 · · · 4)They’re so Cute ·

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3828213 Noted, I will chance that as fest as possible, thank you for bringing that up, that is my first story and i still learn as i go.

Zamairiac

Zamairiac #7 · Jan 30th, 2014 · · · 1) Every end is a beginning (the edited version) ·

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Good start, but a lot of silly errors.

Re-edit this chapter and sort it out, then all the others if they're the same.

Come message me once you're done, and I'll continue

tomer3392

tomer3392 #8 · Jan 30th, 2014 · · · 4)They’re so Cute ·

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3869166 Sure thing.

Stryker Bolt 11

Stryker Bolt 11 #9 · Mar 9th, 2014 · · · 6) Broken Spirit ·

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"Rainbow, it's true that you hurt him but I think that Rafael will forgive you. I mean you did apologize and never in Equestria history somepony held a grudge, because there is always a happy ending, maybe today he is angry, but some day, if you give him more time I'm sure he will forgive you, now if you excuse me I have a party to plan.

you have two of the same sentence

great story so far