Serial Killers Anonymous

by Cytotoxin

Noname Chapter

Serial Killers Anonymous.

"Order, order, my fellow bedlamites." - admonished Twilight, banging her gavel for the good measure. It was always a bit of a hassle to get the meetings started. Some of the attendees tended to take their hobby just a mite too serious for her liking. Thankfully, neither Dash`s threats to "make rainbows" out of Pinkie, nor Pinkie`s boasts to "wear your wings like a lederhozen" had ever came to fruition.

She glanced over the table irritably. Everypony was in place. Fluttershy was sitting at the corner, smiling vacantly as she drew the grinding stone over the edge of cleaver again and again. She was always the least problematic of attendees - mind your distance and don`t push her buttons, and she`d go along with daily agenda, easy as that. Rarity`s smile was a sharp contrast to Fluttershy`s - a mask of cordiality pulled taut over the sneering maw of madness. At times, Rarity both fascinated and disturbed even her. How could one find equal aesthetic appeal in prench lace and shredded entrails, she could not envision. Still, the fact remained. While Fluttershy killed on impulse and quickly, Rarity`s victims became grotesque works of art, horrifying and yet oddly attractive.

Twilight cleared her throat, as she glared on Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. So alike, yet so different. Both of them murdered ponies out of belief they can subsume their power, each did so in decisively different manner. Rainbow represented an old clan of Rainbowmakers - pegasi who held the secret of creating liquid rainbows. As it turns out, the liquid rainbow is ponies. Literally. Being the last descendant of the clan had... affected Dash`s sanity negatively, she often feared. After being diagnosed with infertility, Dash became obsessed with notion of creating as much of rainbow liquid as she could... And as "strong" of a rainbow as she could, whatever it meant. For her, it meant capturing and torturing the "strongest" ponies. Though what was the criteria for strongest, Twilight could never figure out.

Pinkie Pie, on the flip side, was a consummate consumer. Her notion was simple - eat the pony, gain their talent. As such, she even made a "parade gown", a patchwork coat sewn together out of all the cutie marks she claimed. Unfortunately, her philosophy put her at odds with Rainbow - each of them having had espoused plans to use the other. Thankfully, Twilight`s own promise to experiment on both of them if either ever committed with the action kept them both at bay.

"Ladies." - she began again, as Dash and Pinkie took their seats, growling under breath, - "We have a new member today." Everypony perked up. Taking up serial murder was not a common hobby among ponies, so every newcomer was a memorable situation. "She`s not aware of us, yet." - Twilight offered, - "As per our usual modus operandi, she`s been sent a letter detailing her latest murders and inviting her to visit the meeting place, alone." Rarity coughed - "Excuse me, darling. Did I hear you right? New member is a mare?"

Twilight nodded, shrugging slightly - "Yes, you`ve got that right, Rarity. I know, I know. All of us hoped to get a stallion in our cosy club someday. Alas, no such luck yet. But still, let us extend our warmest welcome to our fellow murderer... Applejack." With that, she pushed the door open with a flourish, revealing one very surprised apple farmer. "...Tarnation. It was y`all fellas who sent me that there darn letter?" - she drawled, dropping the paper on the ground, - "...Ah s`pose the cat`s outta the bag, then. What will it be, then? Are y`all goin` to turn me over to princess or turn me ta stone or what?"

Twilight giggled. "Nothing of a sort, Applejack. Allow me to be the first to welcome you to Serial Killers Anonymous. Well, the last part is really misnomer, since we know each other pretty closely... and even closer now. Still, welcome." - she proffered. Farmer simply stared at her as if she grew a second head. "Y`all are killers? C`mon, yer pulling my leg." - she demanded incredulously, - "Ah can`t believe yah all would... y`know."

Rarity chuckled politely. "I do know how do you feel, darling." - she offered soothingly, - "I daresay, I had a hard time believing Fluttershy here is the Headpony of Canterlot." Yellow pegasus smiled vacantly - "Oh, it was long ago... I do try not to indulge all that much. It`s just that... so many ponies out there could be so much better without a head..." Unicorn chuckled and continued - "As for me... You probably heard about "Living Artwork" from time to time, yes? Again, just like dear Fluttershy here, I do try to withhold from indulging too often, but the crude natures of the world and ponies that inhabit it just... can`t be tolerated all the time without some creative outlet. Surely, you understand."

Pinkie thumped her chest - "I eat ponies. Neat, huh? Huh, huh?" She slipped from behind the table, appraising Applejack from all sides. Farmer sidled back from her, nervously. "You would make a great stew. Apple stew, mm..." - pink pony offered, suddenly appearing from other side, - "On the other hoof, Twilight says we shouldn`t try to murder our fellow clubgoers, so I`m just going to throw you a party later. Not the pony-eating kind of party, don`t worry. Unless you`re that kind of serial killer."

At the inquisitive stare from Applejack, Dash grunted. "Family tradition." - she proffered gruffly, - "Without Rainbows, there would be no rainbows. And since I`m the last of the line, I`ve got to make enough of rainbows to last a while." "And I sometimes dabble in vivisection and necromancy." - concluded Twilight with an easy grin, - "So don`t worry. You`re among like-minded ponies here." Applejack snorted. "Ah s`pose so." - she offered after a few seconds of deliberation - "Ah guess it ain`t much of a surprise to ya that ah do haveta get me a pony now and then to make a batch of fertiliser. Apples ain`t gonna grow good, if ah`m not feedin` them properly, yanno."

"Indeed, indeed. I was just thinking about practical implementations of body essence in plant enhancement, actually, though I was considering it from the viewpoint of symbiosis..." - proffered Twilight, - "But come, come. I`m sure we all have some tips to share. Today`s topic - "Picking the right ponies to kidnap - do`s and do not`s."."

Comments

[Mikemarksman]

I smirked menacingly for the entire time reading this! >:D

I really hope you do a continuation sometime in the future, this would be an excellent lead-in to an excellent fic!

[Cytotoxin]

2823276

Not bloody likely. Anyone willing to take up the idea has my permission and blessing, though.

[Resda]

Awesome. It has the air of a flash-fiction about it, though, but I'm not complaining.

A quick nitpick... each speaker should be separated into its own paragraph. The bit of dialogue where each pony explained her MO was a good read, but I had to keep going back to figure out who was talking.

[Cytotoxin]

2823531

I don`t like that convention. Separate paragraphs for every single spoken line make text too diluted, in my opinion.

[draco flameheart]

Excellent. Though I wish it was more than this...

[BionicBrony]

Hehe, a short, amusing read. I quite enjoyed it. Although it would seem to me that a lot more could be made from this. Might be worth a shot, should you feel so inclined.

[Verlax]

This story is so stupid, that it's actually funny. I have simply no idea what have I just read, so let me give you a like and favourite.

[SIGAWESOME]

Huh.
That certainly was... interesting...

Lets see here...
Twilight = Ernst Stavro Blofeld from S.P.E.C.T.R.E.
Rarity = Hannibal Lecter (for "works of art", not eating)
Dash + Pinkie = Rainbow Factory and Cupcakes (natch)
Fluttershy = Jack The Ripper/Jason Voorhees
Applejack = Isaac/Seymour Krelborn
(I am probably totally wrong)

"But come, come. I`m sure we all have some tips to share. Today`s topic - "Picking the right ponies to kidnap - do`s and do not`s."."

Heh heh heh.
I can see Twilight preparing a whole series of service announcements and lessons for her fellow killers:
- Picking the Right Ponies to Kidnap - Do`s and Do Not`s
- Maniacal Laughter and Social Etiquette
- Quotable Quotes: A Beginner's Guide to Pithy One-liners and Taunts
- The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Serial Killers
- To Serve A Pony: A Cannibal Cooking Compendium
- Monologuing and You
- Low Cost Techniques, High Impact Terror - Serial Killing on a Budget
- Build Your Own Revenant and Other Fun Projects - A Beginner's Guide to Necromancy

[Cytotoxin]

2825251

To be honest, I wasn`t thinking of any prototype characters when I jotted this down. My logic was simply - the crime must match the character.

You`ve got the characteristics pretty accurate, though, for the most part. It`s worth to mention that Twilight is not particularly concerned about ruling the world as S.P.E.C.T.R.E. was - her only goal is to learn more. Fluttershy is closer to the Jack Ripper, I suppose, but not quite. She simply thinks ponies are better off without head, if they don`t use it. As for Applejack - much closer to Seymour then Isaac. She turns to serial killing for purely practical reason. In the rudimentary backstory I thought up, Apples used pigs as fertilizer ingredient for centuries. Alas, for some reason pigs just don`t cut it for Sweet Apple Acres. This is what causes rather lean times for Apples there (Applejack does reference need for money in canon more then once.). Thankfully, Applejack does stumble upon solution, and farm is recovering thanks to her efforts.

[oopsloops]

My face the whole time. >

[StormLuna]

Some of the attendees tended to take their hobby just a mite too serious for her liking. Shouldn't that read MIGHT rather than mite?

Rarity chuckled politely. "I do know how do you feel, darling." - she offered soothingly, - "I daresay, I had a hard time believing Fluttershy here is the Headpony of Canterlot." Yellow pegasus smiled vacantly Shouldn't that last part read, "The yellow pegasus smiled vacantly?"

It`s just that... so many ponies out there could be so much better without a head..." Unicorn chuckled and continued Shouldn't that last part read, "The unicorn chuckled and continued?"

"You would make a great stew. Apple stew, mm..." - pink pony offered That last part should read The pink pony offered.

My writing is far from perfect but I would suggest you use the word "the" when it is necessary.

[Cytotoxin]

5278273

Mechanic error. Russian does not have articles - hence the sparse usage. As far as I`m concerned it`s a minor issue - primary concern is to make sure the story is not lacking in logical cohesion. A concept sadly overlooked by many aspiring authors.

As for first thing... NO. What would it even mean with "might"? It does not make any sense at all.

[StormLuna]

5278303 Cytotoxin, actually it matters quite a bit.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mite

A mite is a parasite.

Regarding your question with might, it means that they take it too seriously. The statement would have meant the same thing without "just a might" in there but it does make it sound good, so I can understand why you put it in there.

[Cytotoxin]

5278321

English is not your first language, is it?

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/mite - "mite" can be used as an adjective as well. In that case, it means "a little".

I do assure you, it is NOT meant to be "might", and I never envisioned that sentence to include the word "might" in it.

[VampDash]

...... I feel I've been blue balled.

[Cytotoxin]

8379322
You`re entirely welcome to expand on the setting, if you have an idea.

[VampDash]

8379624
I don't mean that as in I hate it. Just felt the ending was lacking.

[Cytotoxin]

8379626
Again, you`re entirely welcome to expand on it. The whole thing was a dribble written on a whim, I never meant and never envisioned making more of it then an amusing conversation. If you like the characters as they`re (mis)represented, feel free to write an epic horror thriller continuing from this point to give it the finale you desire. No objections from my side. ^_^

[VampDash]

8380828
..... nah. I'm doing comedy with this.

[Cytotoxin]

8381170
Good luck.

[Gavier]

I liked that last line. And the story. Specially the story.