Fluttershy was walking home after her and Raritys weekly spa session, when she stumbled upon Big Macintosh. After small chatting and awkward silence, Mac asked if Fluttershy would come and have drink with him. Normally she would have refused to go, but something about this stallion got her to agree.
Authors note:
I'm going to make this story a couple of chapters long.
I decided to make FlutterMac story because in my opinion it's the most possible one to happen, they both being shy and all. (I also think that they are the cutest pair too! :3)
English is not my main language so please let me know if you find any grammatical errors so that I can fix them as quickly as possible
This is my very first FIMFiction EVER!
Feel free to criticize!
Chapters (4)
Here, you can either replace the comma with a semicolon (;) or insert an "and" after the comma.
This problem (the once capital "A") is repeated. Even after the end quote the sentence is not finished, and the next word should not be capitalized.
Actually, the commas are optional (I think).
It is often frowned upon to start a sentence with a conjunction(and, yet, but, or, nor, so, etc.), but within dialogue I believe it is okay. Just thought you should know.
I think you are trying to say either "a stallion as good looking as" or "someone as good looking as". Also a lot of people use "somepony" instead of "someone", but it is a matter of choice.
You do not need to create a new paragraph for this, just continue with it in the sentence. There are many of these.
PERIODS! There are a few missing in a few sentences.
You could use "so big a pony before" or "a pony so big before".
Sorry, but I laughed at this.
Overall this is a really good story. Of course, I expected her to get wasted, but cute nonetheless. Insta-fav'd!
Very good for a first effort, I would say. I few things to improve on - but that's always the way, and I would say you write a lot better than some of the other authors out there. I remember my first story wasn't nearly as good as this. Maybe you could flesh out the story a little with some paragraphs devoted entirely to description - it would add a little more flavor to the story. Well done!
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Thank you! I really appreciate this.
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Thank you for helping with the grammar. Some of these errors were made only because of negligence, like missing periods. I will fix the errors right away!
Nothing to criticize here. I like the set-up for this story and it seems you've gotten the grammar mostly taken care of, though if I may add:
The first paragraph, pegasu's >Pegasus's)
You want to change that to past tense by saying Ah spent the whole day buckin'
I have a special connection with animals.
we have a dog called Winona
past tense again, spent
Hoped those didn't seem to nitpicky. I like it so far!
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Thank you for feedback! I sometimes have problems with tenses, and I have minor case of dyslexia. It makes me think faster than I can write, causing some words to being skipped. I really have to read all the text I make like three times before I'm sure that it is OK...
Fluttershy? In a bar? To read or not to read that is my question.
*decides to read* after reading MOAR!
I approve on your shipping choice my good sir/madam.
I'd like the story to be expanded, definitely. For example, I'd like to see what happens when AJ starts getting her nose where it doesn't belong.
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I don't think I can add that to this story, but maybe I can do a sequel?
How is Fluttershy going to explain to her friends about her relationship with Big Macintosh?
I nearly d'awwed to death when she accidentally said she loves him just the way he is.
So that was going to be the end? It's possible to end the story there but there's so much more you can say! Like what happens when they get to her cottage. I'm not pushing you, just saying you've got a good thing going here.
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I am going to make third chapter, like I said in the "Authors note" section in 2nd chapter.
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I don't know yet. Thank you for the Idea though. I will surely add it to the sequel.
2812091 please make a third chap because I really want to see where this heads.
I agree that you do have a good thing going
I've read trillions of ships.
This right here, is top of the line extreme HD DVD 3D quality, I shit you not.
This is so real, man.
When Fluttershy accidentally said "I love you just the way you are" I had to take a break from reading because that shit was getting so real, I couldn't handle the extreme HD quality.
Wow. One trillion out of five.
Oh my god I can't even handle the power....
This shit is just so real I can't even get down with it.
Extreme.
Pretty good chap and also it sucks it has to end but I guess they all have to eventually.
Make it and fast I can't wait to keep reading pretty much anything that u make you are a pretty good author man congrats.
Thank you all for your help and feedback! I will start writing next story as soon as I get the storyline sorted out.
With the colon, I have recently read a book that uses it when speaking, so it technically is correct.
Also lots of capitalization errors.
Anyway, good chapter. looking forward to more.
I think you mean "Epilogue". A prologue is before the main story line, the epilogue is after.
Can't wait for sequel!
That was very good and a nice set up for the future. I'll be following.
Hey that's cool. I'm writing a fimfiction about how Rarity gets drunk.
This story gives a rate of 5 moustaches.
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It's trollestia.
How is this a chessgame story?
2867202 I'm wondering the same
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good, because I was really really confused
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Must've been a troller. Sorry author
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WTF just happened?
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... You don't want to know
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some guy named lunaisthebestie or something put your story into the chessgame of the gods group on purpose. he was trolling us
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Ok thanks!
Panicked for a second there.
2870729 I, myself was wondering how this fit into the Chessverse's plotline but, that aside, it's a really good story. nice read.
Excellent irritating small talk. I felt like I was there trying to figure out something to say. An ironic way to get really in to a story, but effective. I'm off to read some
moremoar!Opening Line:
That bastard! (without an 'A,' 'Cold Breeze' becomes a pony name (a pretty good one, too) and he's guilty of assault.
Enough about errors, though. I like the pairing.
Why cant u make more!!!
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This story was mainly a test, but I'm thinking of sequel after the mane six shippings are ready.
Why did it have to end
Yeah, I know how this nights turning out.
Yeah, just as I thought, late night snacks!!
Well... that's how the night ends for me, anyway.
Excuse me, but what are you doing? Turns round to see Celestia with a disapproving frown on her face.
Me? I'm just loading my rifle, why?
What for?
Oh, just to have a chat with her father. The gun's in case he tried to run away.
And now onto the sequel...
MMM!!!
Shush... stupid pegasus, nopony can hear your screams.
gamesprays.com/files/resource_media/preview/mlp-roseluck-clop-5562_preview.gif
This was really good. I can't find the words to describe it, but it was fantastic.
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nvm just thought it would be cool to post a comment in binary cool concept thought to tired to read though I think it's like 2 AM here
Aw... How sweet! Don't you just LOVE this couple?
That's just too adorable!
That's so sad, hearing about Big Mac and Fluttershy's tragedies...
Aw... Their first kiss...
Oh, Applejack...
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Glad you liked it!