World domination, one world at a time.
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Meet Derek.
Hello there Derek.
Derek can see bright, multicoloured horses. Nobody else can. The creatures can't see him either. What is going on?
Currently rated Teen for some darker humour and moderate themes. Hiatus is over! Grammar check (for first 3 chapters) finally done! All feedback appreciated.
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Nice story, I hope that there's more to come.
And you wrote house instead of horse in the beginning somewhere.... unless that was supposed to.
2606478 Glad you liked it. Also thanks for spotting the typo. Now fixed :)
2606605 no problem. Happy to help
NO YOU IDIOT DONT GIVE UP, I THINK YOUR WORLD EFFECTS IT SO YOU CAN TRY TO USE THAT TO CONTACT HER
Well this is interesting. I look forward to seeing more.
Not to try to sound racist or stereotypical or anything, but are you British because you seem to use words I don't know like "mates" for example.
(If this sounds stupid, I spend about a minute each day in the real world outside, and that is just to retrieve the mail)
Beautiful. I'll inform you of any typos and errors I find but in the mean time have fun.
This story is really good keep up the work bro /)
Wow, great story! Looking forward to seeing more!
Jolly good show, I wish to see more from you soon. Good day to you
.
2607476 I am British but I used those terms deliberately to make it feel more naturally like a teenage 'gang' of this era. Mates just means friends I guess.
2607900 Thanks for giving it a chance :) I will gradually reveal more of his appearance over time. Also I wrote this right after exam stress so that's why there's only one chapter. I will write more but not sure when I'll have the time with these exams.
You should describe things more: the surroundings, derek, his parents and schoolfriends, etc.
Flesh it out a bit more. Also it feels like every second sentence has the word "Derek" in it. If you use more pronouns like "he", sentences like "Derek didn't know the answer." woudn't seem so impersonal.
It's nice to see his thoughts in italics, makes him more relateable.
2610661 Thanks for the advice. I've taken it on board and will address it in the next chapter.
Okay so MLP:FIM exist in this world huh? It's an interesting beginning that show the premise of the story and after this chapter is now will decide how will your story go from there.
This is getting good. Keep going.
Likin' it so far. Rather slow, but kind of interesting. More Please?
I'm reading the ending and all I'm thinking is: WRITE YOU FOOL SHE CAN SEE THE PAPER!
2634982
2634982 I might be thinking the same thing :)
2636421 Whoa, dude! Calm down!
2637039 Oh shit. You and I have the exact same story title with similar pictures. WAT DO.
2644063 Ah damn it I didn't see. Well, yours came first so if you want I can change the title or something.
2646477 Naw it's fine, keep the title. All I ask is new names for my story.
MSG me. Check out my story...if that's okay I mean...
2634982 I was yelling that at my freakin phone
Oh god. They Live ponified.
PLOT TWIST~
IM STILL HERE
glad your back though
You sir, are the only person to update a story on my "favorites" list in
3-7 months.
Congratulations.
2865152 Haha thanks. Next bit may be a while again. Computer destroyed (lost all my notes) and I'm away :/ Hopefully my trusty tablet can do the trick when I return.
I can sorta understand how dreadful such a question might be... then again, didn't this get covered by some kid saying he could see dead people?
If this was a scifi-ish story, I'd say the ponies were slightly out of phase or some rubbish like that. Not quite the horror you'd find in Langoleers but still creepy enough for the ponies with inanimate objects moving all around because the humans are insubstantial.
2866253 Yeah the last bit isn't set in stone anyway. Just an interesting aside that could come into play. It might be a constant fear that they can't disprove throughout or something like that. Or it could be true to some extent...
You'll just have to wait and see.
I can't say too much but I've definitely thought about the out of phase thing. Also remember this story doesn't have the Dark tag...
But that could change... Hehe
Interesting story.
good as always dude
2892373 Well that just made my day
But yeah, don't worry I fixed that laptop issue
Basically, I hadn't really thought the plot through (still haven't fully :/) so I kind of got stuck. It was intended to be a sad oneshot but then I realised that I suck at Sadfics. I then altered it and just submitted it without thinking ahead to what would happen next. I also said I was going to fix grammar but I just delayed that to a point where I just couldn't be bothered (I will someday I swear!). The problem is that I'm always having new ideas and my interest usually flicks between things. It should hopefully be updated more frequently now things are back on track. I'm about to update my other story and this is next in line me thinks.
I am awaiting more chapters with eagerness.
This story is very good so far.
PLEASE READ. I have finally decided to go over the chapters so far. New one will be out soon but the previous three have quite bad grammar. The first I've fixed to the best of my ability so it runs/looks better. The other two will have the same treatment soon enough. Soz for how appalling it read the first time around
2908584 Well that seems... interesting. I'll call you if I need to spruce up my college with a ghost.
And yeah, looking over, it seems a little off. I've added a little more so it seems more realistic.
He doesn't believe him for sure yet. He's more just tagging along and putting a little faith in his friend who is, after all, quite serious about the matter.
And thanks, advice is much appreciated!
I noticed that nobody said anything about this so here goes.
Why can't Twilight see their clothes? It's not like they're attached to us.
Sorry if i'm pointing out a plot hole, it's really bothering me.
2910192 I know what you mean but I really don't know what to say. It's kind of been said so far that it affects what they're directly in contact with but I know that's not always the case. Think of it as an aura surrounding each human cloaking them and a little more around them. It's hard to make sense of it right now but all will be addressed later. Don't let it bother you too much at this stage.
Congratulations on your new episode
2910810
I'm waiting for the cliched freakout when she sees meat being prepared, cooked, and eaten with gusto.
But I'm also glad of the aura. Watching invisible things eat and being able to see that food pass through would be rather... gross.
i.imgur.com/hhRXb8P.png
2910810 The whole aura idea doesn't work either, how about...
MAGIC
I liked this one keep it up
It was good. I'm just waiting for more.
2992041 Yeah, I maybe should have put more excuses. I just had no idea how to explain all this through a message on-screen
It's pretty tedious as it is without speech!
I agree that it was perhaps a bit early. Still, they want to help her and this is a pretty big thing that can definitely help the cause (maybe). Now it's almost out of the way (after they discuss it later, of course), and they can properly focus on everything else and get to the bottom of this!
Or something like that. I dunno.
All in all, I'd say I'm not the best at pacing my stories.
I love this story a lot, and I hope to continue to see great things from you. Keep up what your doing whenever you want to, have a good one.
TheHiveQueen has been banned and I (a friend IRL) have been asked to make this account and speak on his behalf. He is disappointed but respects the decision and only regrets not posting any way to get in contact with others. Well, now you can.
He isn't sure whether to revive/finish the Fics posted here on an alternate site (as it would be unwise to try again here) but if he says that if he receives messages asking him specifically to do so, then he probably will.His email is formicsunite@gmail.comEdit: He can't muster up the energy to rewrite or continue so he's handing me the keys to this fic ONLY, as he felt it had potential. Expect a total reboot sometime.
Thank you for your time.
Interesting concept. I'm willing to see where this goes.