When Twilight comes back from her week long visit to her brother's house, she finds out that everything has changed. Canterlot High is babbling about some magic girl from another world, but Twilight knows better. There's no such thing as magic, or portals into other worlds.
Right?
EDIT: Wow. Never expected the feature. And by the way, thank you for anyone who commented with a consructive criticism. I'll be reading as many as I can and keeping them all in mind for the future chapters as well as going back to edit the past ones periodically. Enjoy the story!
EDIT 2: Went into the first chapter and tried to fix up the 'Twilight did X' issue that many people commented on. (Thank you to those who did.) Hopefully it is a bit more readable now.
EDIT 3: After fan feedback on a massive error I made where Princess Cadence was an out of control lunatic, I rewrote the Twilight meets Twilight scene so that it flows better and actually stays in character. Thank you for anyone who made a comment about this, I am listening to your feedback and writing my future chapters accordingly. (If there are any more of these, I'm going to keep these in a changelog in a blog post.)
Nice premise, I'm interested to see where you go with this.
Well you got my attention
Also you are qualitfly to be my story of the week good luck.
Interest piqued. Keepin' a tab on this.
this looks like it could be interesting, so i'm keeping an eye on it. hope to see more soon
I am curious as to how your gonna tackle the story! Hope to see more from you soon!
This could go anywhere.
nice could go dark with it 2 if you like I could see this up tight sparkle lose her mind or keep it nice ether way ill be back to read the rest once you get more going if you do no rush
Twilight's reaction is positively hilarious! I can't wait to see where she goes next! Update ASAP!
Why does the cover art have Unicorn Twilight?
Could be decent I suppose. You need an editing pass though. Also, how is it that nobody knew who Twilight was during EQD if her counterpart was a student at that school? Most people assume that EQD Twilight doesn't live in that area, and have her transfer in for their story. So, yeah. How are you reconciling that inconsistency?
Anyway, I'll throw it on the fave list for now to track it. We'll see.
3311916 Because it's a random picture he found on the interwebs that was probably made years ago?
Very interesting. Please, keep this up. I like where this is going.
Alright, so here are my thoughts, in order, as I read through the story
1) An interesting idea, especially since they never really explain what happened to EG Twilight
2) Hmmm... I don't want to go too much into it, but you have some clunky sentences in there. Mostly when you are trying to provide details that could have been done a bit... smoother. For example, the line 'Another girl walked beside Twilight. Fluttershy was her name, and it turned out to be more or less a self-fullfilling prophecy.' While it does what it needs to do, it comes off kinda... well, it is hard to describe...
Think of stories like rivers. Some move very slow, leisurely. Some are fast with twists and turns. But they are always smooth, flowing. That sentence just feels like it sticks out a bit.
My apologizes for doing this, but here is how I would have written it: 'She was so engrossed in thinking up an excuse to give the librarian so she wouldn't take away her library card... again, that it took a few minutes for Twilight to realize that someone else was walking beside her. Once she spotted the long pink hair she instantly realized why she hadn't noticed the girl; Fluttershy lived up to her name and was able to sneak up on you without saying a word'.
See, a bit better of a flow, allows us to learn a bit about Twilight and Fluttershy, and doesn't feel like an info dump.
Again, sorry for that; I know I get annoyed when people tell me how to write. My apologizes.
3) One final suggestion... avoid repeating a character's name over in over. Rule of thumb is if you say a character's name in one sentence, use she, he, her, him, so on and so forth, in the next sentence. Just a minor grammar thing.
4) Dialogue is very good. Flows well. Nice job
Most interesting. Other than the inconsistency of the fact that in the movie no one, not even Celestia recognizes Twilight, I don't have any issues with this. On the what I liked side: All of HumanTwilight's "what the crap is going on hear moments". Those were brilliant.
Going on watch
Congrats on the feature
Looking forward to more. Congrats on the feature as well!
Shouldn't Twilight have noticed the giant crater and busted front doors of the school?
...Premise has some slight issues integrating with canon, but you explain it near enough that I'm willing to ignore the remaining bits (Why didn't Fluttershy say anything to Equestria-Twilight? Etc). The story has promise... I think. Honestly, I have no idea where you're going to run with this. Some directions would probably be disappointing, but I think most of your options are at least okay, so I'm optimistic.
Congrats on the feature! The formula may be somewhat wonky, but, hey, it worked out for you this time. :P
chalk one up for the fav list!
pretty good although some of the mane 6 seemed out of character, calling twilight jealous at the end. That seemed a bit harsh. Will add to favorites for now because im curious but im gona hold off on giving a like until i see more.
3312043 to be fair I don't think Celestia gives 2 shits about her students
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Magic?
3312020
I agree with a lot of your review, I've got a bit more to add to it:
To rectify the clunky sentences, try to add more exposition and imagery. Most of us... well a lot of us watched EQG, but we still want to be immersed back into Canterlot High. Describe the characters reactions to Twilight, their facial movements, posture, change in voice tone. As mentioned by Defender222, this is quite an info dump. Who and what is Melody? I mean what does she look like? We... NEED... DETAIL, lots of it. Especially since EQG isn't a very familiar place and we don't know much about EG Twilight and her personality. Use some metaphors when describing her feelings of confusion, anger, possibly even jealousy, and if you don't want to directly describe it show it. Her brow knit together, steam seemed to rise from her lavender hair, etc.
The dialogue isn't bad... slightly awkward given nothing gets past two-three sentences.
Still, you've put forward and interesting concept and with some work... ooooh you can so make this work so well.
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Good day sir Vren!
Good writing so far, cant wait to see moer!
Eh, this Twilight is kind of... mean. It's one thing to be a shy recluse who doesn't really care about friends, it's another entirely to be rude and pissy like this one is. I'm going to say she's out of character here. I know you may be thinking, well she's not the same Twilight, but the rest of them are the same, why not her?
Also, I hate to burst your bubble, but human(ish) Twilight never went to Canterlot High. She lives in the city nearby, but that's it.
3312904 Gday, have you reviewed the new AHA rules?
"then slipped ouside just as fast to avoid the crowd" - "outside"
"when she looked the occupied table's occupants" - There are a few things out of order with this part. There are some words missing between "looked" and "the". "Occupied" and "occupants" sound strange used so close together because they are practically the same word. Multiple tables being referred to possessively would have an apostrophe after the "s". I believe it would work better if it read : "when she looked around at the other tables' occupants".
"Like the rest of Canterlot Even the cliques had been" - "Even" is incorrectly capitalized and there should be a comma between "Canterlot" and "even".
Just thought I'd give a small editor's suggestion there. It looks interesting and I'll definitely be checking on this again. Good luck!
Maybe she should transfer or get homeschooled.
I'm liking the premise. Haven't gotten around to watching the movie yet but I basically know what happens in it... Although isn't Sunset Shimmer originally from Equestria too? That makes things a bit confusing, for one she should also have a counterpart in the human world, and there's one thing I don't know about the movie, are the others aware of Sunset's origins? Do they know that she's a pony turned human and could confirm the existence of Equestria and whatnot?
...I really should just go and watch the movie
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static3.fjcdn.com/comments/No+idea+what+the+meme+is+called+but+here+s+the+_1f2aff3c107306ab19036fe45f5929e7.jpg
3312908 I was thinking that too ill stick around for now because of some interesting ideas but im not sold on this story yet.
I like this twilight shes mean
3311916
Better question: Why does human Twilight have normal skin?
I've been waiting for someone to write this story. Logic suggests that as EqG!Twilight never had the friendship and association with the rest of the M6 to thaw her out, she'd still be the antisocial and somewhat acidic bookworm that FiM!Twilight was at the start of the show. Ironically, this makes the Sunset Shimmer who has been forced to confront the demon in her heart a nicer person than Twilight Sparkle and I think we can expect a lot of teasing to this end.
That said, Twilight does seem to be a girl focussed on reason so she should address this logically. Why is there an immense amount of structural damage to the school? Why does everyone insist that her Doppelgänger had visited the school last week and why is there photographic evidence to that end? She should remember Clarke's Third Law - magic is just a convenient label for the use of arts and sciences that are currently unknown and un-replicable by humans.
I figure that the breakdown moment will be when Rarity uses her new-found telekinesis or Rainbow Dash demonstrates that she no longer needs to become an Air Force officer to break the sound barrier.
Can't believe I just read a EQG fic. And it was good. So far. I always wonder what would happen when the real Twi came to the school. But like the movie this fic is a plesent surprise.
Fav and like.
It's an interesting premise, though I agree that it would probably be better if EQ Twilight had only just transferred into the school, thus explaining why no one thought that Pony Twilight was her.
I'm not sure if this is the intent of this story, but one thing I'm very curious about is whether EQ Twilight would be an Alicorn if she went through the mirror. I would love to read a story that addresses that, as it would have to tackle just what accension & royalty means.
I also think it would be funny to have that happen to a magic-sceptic Twilight. She'd probably have a Meltdown.
I laughed hard enough to have to go back and check to see if this story had a Comedy tag.
This has good potential. Liked and looking forward for more. 'Nuff said.
One: Congrats on the Feature
Two: Im really liking where this story is going and im also looking forward to the next chapters, This story has potential but the one thing that bugs me is that EQG Twili has never been seen, and we've never got any info about EQG Twilight, so add some personality, try to solidify here presence in the fic, add some detail about the groups surroundings, the way they speak, try to add emotion into the dialogue.
Other than the nit-picks, this story has a lot of potential and could become really interesting if you pan out the characters more.
Hmm, the premise intrigued me, but I had a hard time getting into the chapter since the first few paragraphs all begin "Twilight did X." That gets repetitive very quickly and makes the story feel stale, which is a shame because there's a really good idea here.
Very intresting! I love what you did! I hope you write more. I can't wait to hear what happens next.
Even though I personally thought the movie was critically meh, subjectively I love the movie for what it did to fanfiction. I absolutely love these kind of stories.
Loved it ! I can't wait till the next chapter
3312908 I knew this full well going into the fic. However, for the sake of the story, I'm going to pretend that my explanation is the canonical one.
Very Clever idea. Oh course there would be a real twilight in EG, it would either be that or twilight possessed her body without her consent. EG!Twilight just walked off the set of a typical high school cliche and came back to something wholly different. I definitely look forward to seeing where you go with this,
3313030 And fixed. Thanks for pointing out the errors.
3312020 Please feel free to 'tell me how to write.' I realize that I am far from perfect in my writing. Anything whatsoever that needs to be kept in mind as I continue writing I'd like to know now instead of four stories down the line.
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I think you mean EQG, EQD is Equestria Daily.
Also Pinkie seemed to know of Twi's EQG counterpart, the going theory is that Twi never went to Canterlot High because Sunset Shimmer displaced her.
Now a lot about that does not make sense, but a metric f***ton about EQG makes no sense at all. So whatevs...
To be honest, I would have changed a few things in order to better line up with the movie/show canon. I would have had Twilight living with her brother in the city while going to a prestigious high school. However when her brother's tour of duty comes up her parents make her move back to "Ponyville" and she ends up at Canterlot High. When she arrives she is unusually recognized and feels uncomfortable about it. Additionally being forced to leave her prestigious school along with the fact everyone seems to know of her and yet she knows none of them makes her confused and a bit aggressive in tone. Thus keeping with the tone of your work but yet aligning it better with the perceived canon.
Interesting idea....
but the writing needs some tweaking.
But it's not terrible
Faved and liked