I'll find the one who did this... he'll suffer for those he's killed... this is something I have to do... It's all I have left...
Inspired by September by LivingTombstone.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 10th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen March 23rd
ObsidianPony
British derp writer who derps and writes but mostly derps
ObsidianPony
Joined 10th Feb, 2013 ·
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Alright, I think I can give some useful feedback on this. First off, if there's anything I need to have heard the song to get, I wont have got it, because I haven't heard it.
Into the analysis, There were some powerful emotional points in the story, but I found the ordering of the reveals and the choice in secret details to be confusing. The strangest thing was that you didn't tell us what the protagonist (omitted for spoilers) was fighting for until after they achieved their goal. Having a surprising reveal at the end of your story can work, but not for something like this. You have to tell us why we should be on your characters side at the start or we will not bond with them. The change in mindset from the regular friendliness of ponies to the revenge-bent character here creates an alienating experience if we don't know why the change has occurred.
A structure that would have made sense would have been putting a detailed explanation of the damage the bad guy caused at the start. The bad guy confused me too. I don't see what you were trying to do with that stuff. Is he just some random? Also, how did he level the entire city, but then he can't beat the protagonist in a one on one fight? I know this wasn't really the main point of the story, and you can have a little abstraction in places like this, but I can't put those pieces together in my head.
There was defiantly some stuff that worked in the story. The flashback parts were good, but I think there was not enough of them. The drastic character shift is good for effect, but you need to set it up more so that it seems like a reasonable course of action to the reader.
2745091
To answer how the villain couldn't take the protagonist to clarify in September it is shown that he has developed some kind of super weapon, heavily implied to be the Equestrian equivalent to an A-bomb.
*slow clap*
So Rainbowdash survived "The Fall" or did she create it, cause I'm a little confused, because in September by The Living Tombstone, he couldn't remember anything at first, then he found a clue, and then he ended up being the one who caused "The Fall", so I would appreciate a little clarity, Thank you
~Respectfully Fluttershy