• Member Since 10th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Saturday

ObsidianPony


British derp writer who derps and writes but mostly derps

E

When a thief attacks the Crystal Empire, Twilight must under take a dangerous mission to save her brother and Princess Cadence.

In this bizarre world of weird two legged ponies, Twilight must find the Crystal Crown before her opponent, with the fate of Equestria as the prize for the victor.

Made of only the basic synopsis of Equestria Girls as well as the first trailer, more than likely will not reflect the final product at all.

It's been made clear to me that my grammar tends to be slightly off. I have ADD and Dyslexia so I ask that you please try to forgive the occasional error, I do my best to spot them but evidently some are slipping through.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 7 )

Welp. :ajsmug:

I had trouble focusing on the story for some reason. There were a few grammar issues but not all that many. Looking back, it seems like I should have enjoyed the story a lot more than I did. Maybe part of the problem was a lack of grounding? Like, I was a bit disoriented a lot of the time. Part of that might have been that I was reading sort of fast, but maybe part of it was that you moved a bit fast in establishing the villain. One thing that seems weird to me is that, although you may have described it in the story, I really don't know what Scorpan looks like. :applejackconfused:

Speaking of Scorpan, he seems a bit... powerful. Too powerful? I mean, a lot of things just conveniently happen to converge to allow him to gain an extreme degree of leverage over everypony else. It seems like there ought to have been a point or two at which a little rational thought would have allowed the main characters to keep him from getting them into this ridiculously weak position.

Anyway, I like the concept of extrapolating from that short clip to imagine a plot for Equestria Girls, and you've obviously got plot bunnies cooking, so those are pluses.

2589158
For what Scorpan looks like bear in mind he's still wearing that longcoat for now, so his appearance hasn't even been shown yet, the only thing the other characters can see is that he's humanoid.
As for the overpowered issue, that's the reason he takes Shining Armour via the orb, notice how so far he's not beaten anyone in a straight fight and has to rely on either hostages or cheap tricks, the moment he and Twilight are on an even footing the only thing that stops her kicking his ass is the fact that he has a hostage.
And yeah, grammar is something I have an issue with because of a mix of Dyslexia and ADD, I try to fix it but apparently I missed a few.
Hopefully it was at least somewhat entertaining.

Nice, but the grammar isn't that wonderful. Might want to get an editor. I give you 4/5 mustaches for this.

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

2596748
It's like I said to Kierke, ADD and Dyslexia make a really nasty couple when trying to write a story. And yeah, I have thought about getting a proof reader for a while now.
Hopefully it isn't interfering with your ability to enjoy this story too much for what it is.

Comment posted by VX deleted Jun 25th, 2013

Have you ever considered submitting this story to Equestria Daily? You can find out how to do so here.

3119981
Not really, and there's a few reasons why.

1) It's cancelled.

2) I'm not particularly proud of it, I might remake this at some point.

3) I don't want to waste my breath. I have never held EqD in very high esteem and certainly even less so when I heard some of the stories from other users.

If I am going to submit something to them it would be something I have more confidence in, this was more just a fun little idea before Equestria Girls actually came out that I lost the motivation to finish.

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