Princess Twilight Sparkle is the only daughter of the queen of the night, Nightmare Moon, and the lord of shadows, King Sombra. She is unlike any other normal equine foal, mainly because she was born as an alicorn. Just like her parents, she has the acute ability of harnessing the full power of dark magic to the fullest of its power. Her and her parents rule the Crystal Kingdom with an iron-hoof with a strong and loyal alliance with the Griffon Kingdom. They are planning one of the biggest attacks on Equestria in over a thousand years. The great thing about their plan is, their enemy has no idea about it.
Unfortunately, they are dealing with the princess of Equestria, Princess Celestia and her most loyal of guards, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie.
The gore rating is for death and torture in later chapters. The teen rating may change depending on how I write how the death's and torture occur.
I got this idea while listening to the black metal band Dimmu Borgir with heavy rain in the background.
I DO NOT OWN anything My Little Pony. All rights to the characters and the locations of the show are sole property of Hasbro.
You need to work a little on your writing and I couldn't see very much errors but I like the premise I'll follow and do one thing...MAKE THIS STORY GREAT
Thanks for the advice. I currently don't have an editor for this story and am actually looking for one. If you want to help me with the story, I'd be more than happy to have your assistance in the writing. All I need is for you to PM me an example of why I should have your help and a way for me to send you chapter updates.
You need an editor. Like, right now.
I could edit if you'd like.
Can't wait to see what this story has in store...y. Heh heh... Bad puns...
I don't know if it's old Dimmu or new Dimmu, but I'll throw this in anyway.
Mm, an interesting setting. Sombre and Nightmare Moon makes a fitting couple. At this point, it's hard to discern how their relationship with Celestia stands, but it will be interseting to find out as the story progresses.
If you want, I've got some spell-checking: In paragraph 5, "I hope your right" should be "you're", and the same in par. 14 "..when your older"; Further down, Nightmare asks "Where are going?" where there's missing a "you"; Near the end, "We'll deal with at a later time." is missing an "it", and the same in the sentence after.
Keep it up. I'm looking forward to the rest
premise looks bucking awesome so we shall see
woohoo. the AU twi has loving parents
You need to work on your dialogue and exposition, but otherwise this is fine.
2630554. I'm the editor
like the others have said, your weakest point is definitely the dialogue, it just sounds flat, and a bit too . . . I don't know, descriptive, I guess? doesn't sound like the passing of words to each other from 2 proud parents or the idle chatter of a loving couple.
How often will you post chapters?
I like this story and it have potential, but you need an editor and to work more the dialogues, they are... weird.
Sticking to female Twilight, good. Having her born as an alicorn, strange but acceptable. Naming her Dusk Shadows . . . not cool bro, not cool at all. Besides Dusk being more masculine than feminine, Dusk is the name of Twilight's male counterpart. If you're going to have a female Twilight, have the decency to keep her name the same even if she does have different parents. Dusk Shadows is the kind of name you would give to a really bad OC.
>>bloodwolf432 I will make the change to the first part of her name immediately. Thank you for pointing that out to me.
motherfucker i was going to read your story and then i saw that you don't even know what real black metal is
i will read your story anyway but i now have no respect for you at all because you are not gr1m and trv3 like me </3
also what song were you listening to because dimmu are okay
>>the parasprite To answer your question about the song, it was actually the album Abrahadabra.
2634476
Careful with that edge.
2635559
oh thanks
your story isn't as bad as i thought it would be
it's kind of good actually
i want more
i sacrifice virgin goats to baphomet in the name of updates
2636322
you know that was a joke right i'm not actually that elitist
2636342
Everything is a joke.
Back to the topic, this story shows some pretty good promise.
So far good and love the Dimmu Borgir reverence. I love that Band!!!! Though i wouls make another song dedicated to a chapter. Succubus in rapture or Gateways.
It's an interesting idea, and I'd like to see more of it, but if I'm perfectly honest your grammar is rather off-putting.
I hope it's not too insulting of me to offer my services as a beta reader, editor and all-around fixer-upper for that sort of thing.
>>Little_Draco The next chapter of the story is called renewal, and all chapters will be names of Dimmu Borgir songs.
The premise and plot are promising, however your writing could use some work. Consider looking for a few editors and pre-readers.
>>bkster Thank you for the advice, and I should let you know I now have two editors for the story.
To all my readers out there, the next chapter is finished I am just waiting for my editors to do their thing and send me the new edited version. I don't know how long it will take, so just be patient.
-BMAGIC678
This looks good but I have a question before begin. I'm guessing Twilight's brother SA doesn't exist in this universe right? Will read either way.
>>Dash Attack To answer your question, you are correct. Twilight's brother Shining Armor does not exist in this story.
To all of the people who favorited this story and all of my readers, the next chapter has been written and is currently being edited. Be patient because I do not know how long it will be.
-BMAGIC678
So i'm gonna assume that Celestia didnt take twilights birth very well
Quick question: is Celestia in this story at all?
>>Creed Miles You will find that out in Chapter 2.
>>King Sombrony Princess Celestia is in this story. I plan on giving her a scene in Chapter 2 While she is talking to her most trusted guards; Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy. That is all I'm going to say about next. If you want to see Celestia's reaction, stay tuned because it will be in Chapter 2.
If this is still being edited then I won't bother with trying to correct anything...for now. Anyways, Twilight sure is acting quite childish for a 1000 year old alicorn but I've seen older be more childish so I won't hold you on that end. I can't wait to see where this goes once the foundation is set up (excluding what the title card already says). Keep up the good work.
2682778 meh its probably like every 100 years is like 1 year to them
2682828 They may count it as such because they live so long but it's still weird to have 1000 years under her belt full of experiences but never grew out of the child phase. *shrug* Not gonna let logic like that ruin my feelings toward the story though.
It is refreshing to find someone who listens to Dimmu Borgir other than myself for the most part. I like how you used song titles from Abrahadabra in this fic. It's a great album. Still my favorite has got to be Death Cult Armageddon . Interesting story with a new take on the universe though. In other words you have given me a breath of fresh air my friend. Stay black metal dude.
You kinda failed putting the link.
Top five faborite song of that mand but that is my top top five. I have at least ten favs from the entire group. There should be like a fan made video of this! Great job!!!
2682846
Haha, that's the best way to do it after all. I dunno, could be like the Sailor Moon manga was. In that Chibi-Usa was technically over 900 years old when they first met her, yet she still had the body and mind of a child. Granted in that case there was ... extenuating circumstances I guess lol.
Why would Sombra call Nightmare Moon "evil" if they are on the same side and married? Just seems a bit odd to me but I look forward to seeing how the story plays out.
2682736 Is it going to be out soon?
Even RD wants more!
>>OfficialPrincessEclipse I am currently working on the chapter right now. I plan on having it done by Tuesday, mainly due to me graduating high school on Saturday, graduation party on Friday, and graduation family lunch on Sunday. Be patient for I don't know how long it will take.
2682992. Links fail for me too.
I agree with Navy, while the conflict between the two is the focus of the chapter, it happened much too quickly and suddenly to have the desired effect. Twilight is smart, she would know better than to threaten someone who can move the sun. If you find the time perhaps change the scene so it is something slightly more reasonable which angers Twilight, or an accumulation of things over the course of a day.
and now i am not on my usual device because i forgot my passcode and lost all my data
(i was de editor)
While I'm not interested in becoming your editor, I do have a piece of advice for you. Apostrophes are for contractions, such as don't, won't and can't, and to show possession, like Jack's pet dog ate Roger's new shoes. It seriously boggles the mind how any English-speaking person wouldn't know this.
>>kingtiger666 That last sentence of your comment was way uncalled for. I know my writing isn't the best, but that doesn't give you the right to insult me about my grammar mistakes.
If you want to insult me, PM me but don't post it where anybody else can see it.
-BMAGIC678
While the concept is great the pacing is too fast and the last scene felt forced. I also think that while NM and Celestia can live for a long time thus making their concept of the passage time different I still think that Celestia saying that she is surprised that NM and Sombra had a kid so soon is a contradiction. Though Celestia didn't know that Twilight was born a thousand years ago she did know that NM and Sombra were married. If Celestia suspected that Twilight was born a thousand her statement would be correct. This however was not indicated or mentioned. A thousand years of marriage is quite a long time by most standards. So under the belief that Twilight was born not to long ago it doesn't seem right to say that Celestia is surprised that that they had a kid so soon when it has been such a long time since NM and Sombra were married.