OCCASIONALLY, WHEN RELAXING BETWEEN MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES AND ROCKET LAUNCHES, TWILIGHT "SCREW IT" SPARKLE RELAXES WITH A BOOK BY THE WARM FIRELIGHT OF OTHER LESSER BOOKS. LITERALLY, A BOOK, AS ONLY HER OWN AUTOBIOGRAPHY CAN SURVIVE THE SCRUTINY OF A GOD AMONG GODS-WHO-SUBSEQUENTLY-BECOME-MEWLING-WHELPS-BEFORE-HER-EYE-SEARING-GLORY.

THIS IS HER STORY.

AS IF YOU'D READ ANY OTHER.

(DUE TO A SURPRISINGLY APPROPRIATE WORDCLOUD, COVER ART NOW EXISTS. YOU MAY REJOICE.)

Twilight Sparkle is replaced by a firetruck.

I'm never writing another story.

Seriously, this is it.

Each night I’m trapped in the dark, immobilized. I hear whispers as they operate on me: they say I shouldn’t be alive. Twilight refuses to tell me about the operation. Sometimes she can’t look me in the eye. What did they do to me?

Nothing used to scare me: I kicked a dragon in the nose, defeated gods of chaos and hatred, and control the weather. Now I feel broken. My memories have shattered, I feel wrong, and I’m afraid to tell anypony how scared I am.

I can’t even do the rainboom anymore. Who am I? I’m no longer the best flyer in Equestria, yet everypony assures me I am. Why won’t they tell me the truth?
↓↓ Credits

Special Thanks:
Dreampaw the artist. Best cover art.
Editors:
ArgonMatrix - Fixed 128 errors in chapter one alone.
Animus - who is awesome and for hire.
BronyWriter - The only author to punch Celestia in the face, and live.
Jaestring - Artist, Editor, and Female all in one.
Abcron - European editor, which means his time zone and my actual sleep schedule are aligned perfectly!
The Parasprite. Need I say more?
Selbi - If your editor isn't German, you aren't trying hard enough.
OctaviaHarmony - His avatar is as sexy as his editing.
RenegadeTimelord - Doctor who?
Akumokagetsu - Awesomesauce.
(Wow, a lot of editors came and went.)

Winner of Rage Reviews' F*** THIS PROMPT! #2 contest.

The prompt is ""Your self-insert takes over Equestria."

A lonely stallion makes a wish, and a powerful stranger grants it. Then Equestria is overrun by really friendly pony clones.

When Applejack and Ditzy Doo are caught together in the kitchen, what will Granny Smith say? Probably not what you think.

A meta-fictional response to a persistent trend I keep seeing in certain fics.

Anypony will tell you that Princess Celestia is the most amazing pony in Equestria. She's graceful, she's beautiful, and she always knows just what to say. Her decisions are wise and her manners are impeccable. Some might go so far as to say she's completely perfect.

Celestia has a secret, however. As it turns out, she actually is completely perfect. She's utterly infallible in every aspect. And boy, is she sick of it.

Now she's determined to manage to make just one little thing go wrong.

It won't, of course. After all, she's perfect.

---------
Written for the Equestria Daily Pre-reader battle: April 2013- The prompt was "Celestia's terrible secret- Revealed!" Unfortunately it didn't work nearly as well as I'd hoped, but hopefully someone gets a cheap chuckle out of it.

Life was pretty good for Rarity. With her own business, she had the best friends anypony could ask for and a loving (if slightly annoying at times) sister.

But nothing ever stays the same forever.

After a traumatic accident within the family, Rarity is forced to care for Sweetie Belle, learning how to be the best sister she can possibly be. Yet old memories resurface and she will be forced to confront her own upbringing too.

I woke up in the hospital. I don’t recall how I got here. I don’t recognize the mare who says she’s family. I don’t even remember my own name.

So what kind of pony will I become?

In all the time they’ve been together, the Cutie Mark Crusaders have never seen Scootaloo’s home or family. Why? The speculation is as wild as their crusade ideas! But today, the truth comes out, as they finally meet Scootaloo’s family.

Things change.

The Crusaders all got their cutie marks years ago. Now Apple Bloom is living in mortal dread of becoming a mare, Sweetie Belle is keeping an ever changing list of which colt she wants to be her very special somepony, and Scootaloo is leaving for flight school in Cloudsdale at the end of the summer.

It's a time for first kisses, changing friendships, and new ways of thinking about their bodies and themselves as three best friends to decide what kind of ponies they're going to become, and how they'll survive the bumpy road of growing up. But however they do it, they'll do it together.

Because some things never change.

Warning: This is rated teen, and contains NO SEX, even off screen. But it does contain frank talk about sex and sexuality, and is inspired by the young-adult books of Judy Blume ("Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" and "Forever.") Since these books are typically read in middle or high school, I felt teen was appropriate. If readers or mods disagree, please let me know.

Thank you to DbzOrDie, Jackie, Twifight Sparkill, First_Down, and TheRealRainbowDash for pre-reading, proof reading, and combinations of both.