Paul's Thursday Reviews CLXXXVIII · 7:43pm Dec 26th, 2019
A Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone!
Alas, my day is extremely busy, what with no less than eight cousins, three aunts and uncles, my brother and his wife and their brood of four to entertain with my parents... yeah. Busy. So I'll keep this short. We've got reviews to get to!
Stories for This Week:
It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door by Jetfire2012
In The Belly Of The Lights by Miller Minus
The Fourth Wall by TheTalentlessPony
Let Her In by TooShyShy
Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two by Educated Guess
So Sunset Shimmer Doesn't Like Screwing Horses Now by a sick depraved bastard
Marble Madness by Twinkletail
Historical Fiction by OleGrayMane
The Princess and the Pupil by Alexstrazsa
The Princesses Friend pt.1 by Crystal Hoof
Total Word Count: 183,122
Rating System
Why Haven't You Read These Yet?: 0
Pretty Good: 4
Worth It: 5
Needs Work: 0
None: 1
It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door
146,525 Words
By Jetfire2012
And so I come to yet another famed classic to put under my belt. In this story, a mistake involving a teleportation spell leads to pre-alicornication Twilight getting a case of Horn Rot. Horn Rot is a debilitating illness that can happen when a unicorn’s magic backfires, and is more dangerous the more powerful the unicorn is. As such, Twilight’s version is almost certainly fatal, and if she doesn’t get a cure in two weeks… But the common cure requires more than that to be brewed. There is only one solution: a rare flower called the Beneviolet, found in the distant Archback Mountains. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity volunteer to get it, having no idea what they’re getting themselves into.
This is every bit the adventure that the title and cover art suggests (although I note with humor that Applejack seems to be wearing Rarity’s armor in said cover art). It involves journeying through the neighboring nation of Rohan Gildedale and Lothlórien The Shimmerwood, meeting their leaders Théoden Hammer Hoof and Galadriel Falalauria. Along the way they also encounter many threats, including strange Komaga lizards, hidden underground creatures with hypnotic voices, and at least one creature so big it would make an Ursa Major run crying like a baby.
Notice those Lord of the Rings references a moment ago? I did that only partially in jest. Jetfire openly acknowledges that the story is heavily inspired by Tolkien’s works, and even acknowledges Falalauria as being a blatant ripoff of Galadriel. One might think this would have a negative impact on the story for me. On the contrary, this time it’s done right. While the connections are easy to see early on, there is enough uniqueness to the cultures and events of this story to make it a creative romp. Jetfire was able to take ideas and themes from LotR and make his own tale out of them, and that is impressive in its own right.
And what good adventure would be complete without some character and relationship growth along the way? All three of our heroines learn new things, gain new abilities, and take on unique roles within the story. I am especially pleased with how Rarity goes from being the weak link in their little chain to taking on a command position even among her three friends as the situation dictates. No less impressive is Applejack’s gradually developing willingness to trust her faith in her friends over practical options, or Rainbow’s newfound appreciation for how others can accentuate and improve upon her own abilities. And all of that on top of them growing a greater appreciation for one another.
This is a story that is epic in scope, unflinching in its action, strong in its characters. Alas, it is not perfect.
Jetfire seems to have no idea how to transition scenes in the formatting sense. There are numerous times where we’re talking about Rarity trying to figure out what her friends need to do to wait we’re with Twilight who is in excruciating pain but Zecora has a plan to wait back to Rarity who wishes she could understand her dreams. You talk about jarring. Jetfire needs to learn what a scene break is.
There’s also, amusingly, the Eagle Issue. You know, the big problem with LotR: if Gandalf can contact the Eagles for a ride at any time, why not just ride one to Mordor? Now, I’m not gonna be critical that they didn’t have Rainbow Dash go it alone and get the Beneviolet in a couple days like we all know she could, as the characters openly discuss this issue. But when they’re there and the Beneviolet is within reach but atop a rather… big obstacle? Yeah. Zero reason super-speedy Rainbow Dash couldn’t have snuck up from behind and snatched it away in ten seconds flat instead of all that other nonsense they did. But then we wouldn’t have had an epic climax, would we?
Also peculiar: if the mountains themselves are shattering all around Applejack, how the heck is her “stand firm” ability supposed to function? I mean, the ground is getting ripped apart. Being able to stand firm on solid ground doesn’t mean a thing when the ground’s not solid.
What do you mean they never contacted Celestia? Twilight’s got two weeks to live, and you haven’t contacted the one pony who can best facilitate getting the cure as quickly as possible? Hell, you haven’t even informed her family? What is wrong with you ponies? Hell, we just learned there’s an international network capable of delivering packages within 24 hours without fail that always prioritizes royal messages above all else. Again, using this obvious solution to solve the problem now would rob from us what is otherwise a great adventure, but come on, you’ve got to have a better excuse than “I trust my friends” to not utilize this or even tell Celestia.
I digress. Point is, as great as the story is with its characters, its action, and its worldbuilding, it’s got some pretty big holes and a few places of “let’s defy all concepts of reality because it’ll look awesome”.
Then there's the Lavendar Unicorn Syndrome. There's a plethora of white unicorns, orange farm ponies, blue pegasuses (sorry, pegasi), and so on, over and over and over again. It gets very annoying very quickly.
Even so, I’d say the good certainly outweighs the bad, more than enough to land this on a higher bookshelf. As an adventure, it just works, providing all the excellent elements of a great story. I am looking forward to the sequel far more than I can say. This certainly earns its place as a MLP:FiM fanfiction classic.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
In The Belly Of The Lights
10,903 Words
By Miller Minus
Rarity gets stood up for a date. Which, needless to say, is disappointing. But then a stallion named Patchwork appears at her side with the same problem and a proposition. He had a whole evening planned and now he has nopony to spend those plans on. Feeling a mite adventurous, Rarity agrees to accompany him.
To say this was strange would be an understatement. The story begins simply enough, with Rarity joining a stranger for a night of fun in Canterlot. Things don’t necessarily go in a way she’d like, but neither does it go poorly. Then you get to the attic chapter and… yeah. Gotta wonder what drugs the author was on when he wrote that chapter.
I get what Miller Minus was doing. Really. But it was a little too psychedelic for my tastes.
But ignoring that strange scene, this was an interesting story about Rarity. One might perhaps call it a character study. It’s also like a romance, as it’s plainly obvious poor Patchwork is trying his best to make this a date rather than a one-night fling. Sometimes it seems like he’s failing catastrophically, others like he’s succeeding beyond his wildest dreams. Isn’t that how all dates work?
It’s an eloquent, endearing story with a touch of worldbuilding and the suggestion of a veritable cosmic Pinkie Pie watching over the fun-seekers of Equestria. I find myself wondering if there are other such legends as Babalona, each with their own unique connection to one of the Mane 6. Well, y’know, besides the Pillars of Equestria.
At times strange, at times fun, at times thought provoking, and at one point a big ball of WTF, this one is certainly memorable. Give it a go if you want to see Rarity being pulled out of her element for a while.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Analemma — Pretty Good
The Fourth Wall
1,908 Words
By TheTalentlessPony
Pinkie Pie had a bad day. And she knows who is responsible: the author! So she decides to confront him about it. Turns out, that’s what he wanted all along.
This was quite the quirky story. It’s basically Pinkie Pie talking to the author and venting some of her frustration and fears about whether she’s real, considering she lives in a kids’ TV show and fanfiction of said TV show (plus comics, but y’know). It’s unorthodox, but it also ends quickly so that the gimmick can’t be ruined with time.
But if we assume the dialogue really is Pinkie, there comes the issue that everything she does other than what she says is, in fact, the author’s whims. Thus, she could be doing nothing of her own free will and wouldn’t even know it because the author wrote the story as such.
This is not necessarily a criticism, but a point of order: the idea behind this story opens up a massive can of worms that this story doesn’t even come close to addressing. To be fair, addressing it properly would have required a lot of time, time that may have made the gimmick grow stale if handled improperly. Maybe it’s better this way.
Yet the sheer amount of questions and potential issues with this idea means that I find it very hard to accept at face value. Which is what you’ll have to do if you want to enjoy it. My advice is to go into it without thinking too much. Or thinking a whole lot, I suppose. One way makes this into a friendly conversation between a kind author and a troubled Pinkie, and the other leads down dark roads and huge consequences. So… whichever works best for you?
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Let Her In
2,675 Words
By TooShyShy
Every night, Fluttershy appears outside Apple Bloom’s bedroom. Except it isn’t Fluttershy. It can’t be. Whatever it is, it wants inside.
This was a Weird story, which for me is a good thing but for the Need To Know crowd won’t be. The creature outside Apple Bloom’s room is never explained. Indeed, I’m honestly not even sure if it’s dangerous. It’s certainly creepy, but it never… really… does anything. From that perspective, this might even be considered a story about prejudice.
There are a number of obvious questions, though, ones that don’t add to the Weird status. For example, if this creature comes to Apple Bloom’s window every night, why can’t she show it to anypony? True, the creature doesn’t seem to show up there when she, for example, switches rooms for a night. But we also don’t see her trying very hard to reveal the creature’s existence to anypony. Indeed, she outright lies to her family when they ask what’s wrong. I get that AB’s smart enough to know nopony will believe the truth, but if that’s the case then I think she’d also be smart enough to have more than one idea for a solution.
These quirks aside, the story excels in atmosphere, confusion, and mood. It’s got everything it needs to be a proper horror, with the exception that the ‘threat’s only apparent threat is in being creepy. Which will be enough for some people, most certainly. But you have to wonder just what this is, why it is obsessed with Apple bloom, and what else it’s been doing to get all its… strange features.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Equestria They Don't Want You To Know: Lyra's Guide to Conspiracies and Secrets — Worth It
Seven Thousand, Seven Hundred and Eighty-two
5,777 Words
Educated Guess failed to provide cover art.
Huh. That’s an ending I didn’t see coming.
Scribe Heron is recording the events of an ongoing festival when a pair of children show up to ask him about the legend of their tribe’s origins. He decides to tell them the story, one about a young shaman seeking to save his people from what he sees as a looming, if unknown, threat.
The story is a lot of worldbuilding and a lot of mystery. More mystery than worldbuilding, really, as the central issue is exactly what these people are. It’s literally not until the very last line that it’s revealed, and at that point it throws everything into a new perspective. Granted, that perspective challenges my sense of disbelief, but it’s still a pretty good twist to a pretty strong tale.
Alas, I can’t say much more for fear of spoilers. Regardless, this is a strong story given its intent and how Educated Guess approached it. Definitely a read for those looking to learn about a race other than ponies.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good!
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Lucky Ones — Worth It
Truth or Dare is an inherently risky game, but if you really want to up the ante you play with Pinkie Pie. Tonight she has managed to thoroughly embarrass all of her friends… save one. So Pinkie asks Sunset the most embarrassing thing she can think of: “Do you wanna screw a horse?” Sunset’s answer surprises everyone.
This is a silly story, sorta clickbaity, in which Sunset points out exactly how strange her friends are. She also gives some pretty good reasons not to want to screw a human-world horse. I’m not so sure I buy the whole “your mind acclimates to your body, so as a human I’m only interested in humans” bit. But I’m no psychologist, and you’re not going to find anyone with Sunset’s specific experience in the real world, so it’s all just theory anyway.
Of course, then we get that last line, and I can’t stop grinning.
If you’re interested in something random and silly, this will do the job for you.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Marble Madness
3,077 Words
By Twinkletail
Alternative Title: Always the Quiet Ones
After a rough visit, the Pies and the Apples have made up and are finally enjoying their Hearth’s Warming. And now Big Mac just wants to try to talk to Marble. It’s… not as easy as it sounds. So when Pinkie encourages her little twin sister to show Mac her rock collection, alone, in her room, well, surely things aren’t going to go in the right way. Once Mac figures out what the ‘right’ way is.
In summary: Twinkletail just wanted to write some MarbleMac, yet another cute ship that Hasbro denied us. Not that I have anything in particular against SugarMac. If anything, the steady stream of “we’re hinting at this pair psych have another Mac pair psych again!” amused me because it teased my guilty pleasure theme of “Big Mac Gets All The Mares”.
At any rate, there’s not much to this aside from a shy, bumbling red giant struggling to make sure he absolutely doesn’t blow this golden opportunity to impress one of the cutest mares ever. I have only two questions: how far did he go and what did the rest of their respective families have to say about it when they came back downstairs? Because we know something happened, but I question if this story would remain rated E if we knew exactly what.
Anyway, if you like watching Big Mac struggle with mares or just like the MarbleMac ship, this is the story for you. Not sure how well it will appeal to everyone else, though, so I’m giving it a middle rating.
Bookshelf: Worth It
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Not A Piece of Cake — Pretty Good
The Rise of Lunchtime Luster — Pretty Good
A Canterlot Invasion — Worth It
Rainbow Rocks — Needs Work
Historical Fiction
4,286 Words
By OleGrayMane
Rainbow Dash is convinced that she’ll never like anything but Daring Do books. Twilight, determined to change her mind, makes a bet with her: Twilight will pick a small section of a story that Rainbow has to read from beginning to end. If Rainbow doesn’t like it, she has to perform a disgusting task of Rainbow’s choosing. Well, Rainbow’s not one to back down from a bet, so…
This was… peculiar. You would think it would be about Twilight and Rainbow. Instead, the vast majority of the story is a section of another story that we follow as Rainbow is reading it. Which is a curious choice on OleGrayMane’s part. We spend the majority of the story essentially forgetting what the story is about. Which, come to think of it, might be the whole point.
I’m not sure how I feel about this. The sub-story is every bit as interesting and good as Twilight promises, but it feels like it’s taking away from the main story’s main purpose. Should I be taking away points for that? I have no idea. It’s a good story, I’m just a little lost as to what parts I should be being critical of.
Still, I’m willing to give it good marks, because I did enjoy myself thoroughly. I suppose it’s up to all of you to decide for yourselves whether OleGrayMane’s decisions were overall for the better.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
Pioneer — WHYRTY?
Precious Gem — WHYRTY?
Lost — Pretty Good
The Princess and the Pupil
4,068 Words
By Alexstrazsa
Reaction Fic or honest tale of two friends at a crossroads in their relationship? Perhaps both. Celestia has blocked off her entire calendar for a day, then starts said day off with a letter and a bouquet of lilacs for her prized (pre-alicornication) student. Twilight, unaware of her mentor's intention, hurries to Canterlot to learn why she has been summoned. She’ll soon face a particularly harsh task: letting down her princess, her mentor, and her friend.
This story is simple overall, but an interesting change of pace in that, for once, it’s about Twilight rejecting Celestia’s advances. I’m used to seeing Celestia being the one approached by Twilight, and a rejection? I can only recall that happening in one other story ever, and I don’t recall much about the story itself except that it was very poorly done. This, on the other hand, is an entirely different beast.
One of the aspects that interests me is how thoroughly unromantic the story is. That’s not a criticism. This story plays out from Twilight’s perspective, and the fact is that she’s not affected by Celestia’s preparations at all. The narrative style reflects this nicely, so I have nothing but approval.
Twilight also lays down some decent reasons for her not to be interested in Celestia. Well, the immortality is not a reason for Twilight to consider a factor; that’s Celestia’s responsibility. But the other two reasons? Totally legit.
Yet the best part is how maturely both characters take the situation. This isn’t a story where the millennia-old princess acts like a teenager fighting raging hormones and getting pissy because her crush said “no,” nor does it feature a panicky Twilight who frets over the ruination of her relationship with her mentor. The ending is calm and rational, and gives the situation a respectful conclusion on both sides. A rare thing.
If you’re interested in a ship denied without all the melodrama, this will do it for you.
Bookshelf: Pretty Good
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
The Talk — Pretty Good
Fluttershy's Tail — Needs Work
The Princesses Friend pt.1
2,721 Words
By Crystal Hoof
Requested by Crystal Hoof
NOTE: It appears Crystal Hoof has removed all their stories from FIMFiction,this one included. A shame, but as always, I’m not about to not review something I already went through the trouble of reading. Especially after I was asked.
Yeouch.
A pony collapses at the Castle of Friendship. And… that’s it. No, really, that’s the story.
This one struggles for a wide variety of reasons, and it would be impossible to list all of them just for one review. Let’s start with the plot, which is… well, not much. A pony collapses at the Castle of Friendship. He has an alicorn amulet. Starlight and Twilight rescue him, but Starlight gets all the credit for no reason. The Cutie Map makes a new throne for him, again for no apparent reason. He was apparently Celestia’s student at the same time as Twilight, but they’ve never met, even though he was friends with Cadance and Lyra. Celestia tells him to stay in Ponyville, again, for no real reason. Twilight orders him to live in the castle. And… uh… the end?
So what was the purpose of this story? What's the rising action, what is the climax, what’s the theme, what is the conflict, what is the anything? You’ve ended the story before it’s even had a chance to start. And then there’s a sequel? This isn’t a story, it’s an introduction to a story, and there’s no reason whatsoever to stop it here.
Then there’s the writing, which by itself could fill a semester of a middle school-level English class with its required fixes. First, the dialogue. Or what passes as dialogue. Crystal Hoof, have you ever met someone who speaks like this? I guarantee you haven’t. Your punctuation is completely off, making sentences ramble on and speed through topics unnaturally. Characters bounce from subject to subject like Pinkie Pie on a sugar rush. You’re also having multiple characters speak in the same paragraph, which is about as big a mistake as they come.
Slow down. If you have to, act out the dialogue yourself. Work on emulating how the characters really talk. Use the narration to accommodate that and accentuate their language. More than anything, learn the basic uses of periods and commas.
The narrative itself is similarly struggling for many of the same reasons. Again, slow down. Describe things. What does the hospital room look like, for example? You don’t have to go into deep detail, but giving us anything resembling atmosphere would be a step in the right direction. Lots of times your scenes are just blank white space with characters talking in them. Give us some sense of emotion – and that does not mean tell us the character is excited or sad or angry. That means giving us visual cues.
Also, you need to stick to a narrative style. Stop randomly switching between past tense and present tense, or between third person and second person. Unless you’re intentionally trying to be quirky and unusual, or are writing the entire story in second person, you don’t address the reader directly.
You could not have advertised this as more of a self-insert if you tried. Are you really writing a story that has a protagonist who shares your user name? And this character happens to have his own chair randomly added to the Friendship School throne room? And this character happens to have been another student of Celestia’s and thus is likely Twilight’s equal in magic? And this character already has Starlight blushing just from asking a simple question? And this character is set to live in the Castle of Friendship? And this character has the Alicorn Amulet but somehow doesn’t appear to have gone totally evil because of it?
You’ve got all the warnings of an incoming Gary Stu. Don’t be surprised if people start turning away on this alone. Be less surprised when people start criticizing. How long before Starlight’s in love with him but he doesn’t get it and thinks he’s too dangerous to be around her and so does something stupid to protect her that nearly allows Chrysalis to conquer Equestria before he goes God-tier and kicks her ass as the next Element Bearer which, oh, by the way, the Alicorn Amulet has been a corrupted Element of Harmony all along?
Also, why does Twilight have the Elements of Harmony? The same Elements which were given back to the Tree of Harmony?
Why was Trixie brought into this story when she does literally nothing but stand there quietly and state her name?
What was the point of bringing both Celestia and Luna into the scene when Luna does absolutely nothing, not even speak, and Celestia’s only act for the entire story is to be uncharacteristically abrupt and rude then ditch them all to their own devices?
Why introduce Lyra like this when she contributes nothing at all and the very reason the characters seek her out turns out to be pointless?
Why is Spike completely unconcerned and bored when Twilight asks him to gather bandages, as if that doesn’t immediately indicate that somepony is in need of help and he’d best start taking this seriously?
Why would Starlight spot a wounded pony in the castle courtyard and immediately waste time finding Twilight instead of, y’know, rescuing the pony then and there?
Your character behavior is all over the place. Look at who is doing the action. Think about how they behave in-show. What you’re making a lot of these characters do doesn’t match their in-show behavior much. Some of them are fine, like Applejack and Rarity. Others are overblown, like Rainbow Dash doing things in a story set at least past Season 4 that she hasn’t done since at least Season 1. Having your characters not behave as they do in canon is a great way to alienate your readers.
And that’s as much as I have time for with this story. I’m sorry, Crystal Hoof, but there’s a lot of work to be done before this becomes something I can recommend. I strongly suggest you get some patient editors willing to teach you some writing basics or, if you’re so inclined, take a grammar course. Good luck.
Bookshelf: None
Previous stories reviewed for this author:
New Author!
Stories for Next Week:
You and Her by fourths
Trust Me by Casca
Don't Boop the Pony by little big pony
Actual Pony Sex by Scootareader
Cold by 314
Beware the Great White by kaminakat
Rocketmare by Rust
Hunter and Prey by Beware The Carpenter
Sweet Carrots by Epic Yarn
Odrsjot by Imploding Colon
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I'm awed at how well Jetfire's story holds up over the years. I'm very glad I got a physical copy of it, though most of my gripes were with how it was in the final print version. They didn't even credit the cover artist, for one.
Jetfire's story sounds like To Perytonia. I can't recommend To Perytonia enough. Literally my only issue with it is it's more or less entirely from Rainbow Dash's perspective, who is an idiot, and a lot of the drama comes from the ponies just not understanding the peryton.
Also
See also Michael Myers in Halloween uh, right up until the part where he starts stabbing people. He's credited as "The Shape" because he just kinda... exists. In the background. Lurking menacingly.
Well... we do have a real-world analogue for someone in Sunset's rough position here. There was a fairly recent brain study that found that the brains of homosexual and transgender individuals share neurostructure with the opposite gender's baseline neurostructure.
Basically, you can point to the design and parts of the brain and go "this is a female brain" or "this is a male brain". Homosexual males and transwomen have feminine neurostructure and chemistry, and vice versa. (Further destroying the myth of "choosing to be gay" as people are literally hardwired from gestation for it).
There's also the body/brain thing that lends a smidge of credence to Twilight suddenly and randomly having a crush on human Flash. Where Twilight is a roughly 23-24 year old pony, she is in the body of a sixteen year old human girl, with sixteen year old chemoreceptors and brain structure. The meat influences your mind more than people really know or admit to.
For instance the changes in "type" that are experienced when on or off birth control- birth control tricks the body into thinking that it is pregnant, which alters the chemoreceptors into finding people most like you attractive, which is a chemical trick that pushes you towards the safety of your own "tribe" or family unit to protect your unborn child. Off birth control your chemoreceptors flag for people that are most unlike you, which is a chemical trick that causes you to seek out the largest variance in genetics and immune system for the strongest possible offspring. Off birth control you seek out testosterone/masculine traits, on it you seek out estrogen/feminine traits.
Really weird that that last person just DFE'd. o.o They were celebrating having 100 followers literally three days ago.
I'm glad to see Dangerous Business still doing well enough to appeal. Even when I read it (2014-15, I think) it was creaking a bit in places (the LUS, as you note, is awful) but the adventure was exciting enough and the character growth interesting enough to keep me reading. Sounds like it's still got that. One day I may finally get around to reading the sequel...
Never read any of next week's stories, unfortunately -- and don't even know several of the usernames. I'll keep an eye out!
Ah, we seem to have hit a patch of things I've liked and faved, which is nice. I think I've read about half of these. Some good nostalgia.