Most Dangerous Game Judging Reviews - 1 · 6:50pm Jul 18th, 2014
The finalists in the 'Most Dangerous Game' competition have been announced - check it out here: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/351973/the-most-dangerous-voting-contest
I was 'lucky' enough to be asked to judge by Obs, which was really nice until suddenly 64 fics appeared at the last minute. I am a classy guy though, so I endured through all 64 and wrote a review for each one. Rather than dumping them all in a megapost I will make a few posts of 15ish stories each, so if I've not got to your story yet, don't worry!
I'm not posting reviews for the finalists yet, as I wouldn't want to sway anyone's decisions, nor will I be posting scores, as Obs asked me not to.
For a prompt competition like this, I judge in two criteria - out of five for the story itself (was it a genuinely good story) and out of five for the use of prompt (was it done in an interesting way, did the prompt actually add to the story, how much skill did the author use in carrying out the remit of the competition, etc). In that way, you could have a poor story bolstered by a genius way of using the prompt, or an amazing story hampered by the writer just doing a brief nod towards the prompt.
Anyway, without further ado:
Exchange, by Murba
Story: Two humans trust the changelings to save their baby.
Overall I think I liked this story, though it could have done with being more developed. The central concept was good (and I was mildly surprised to learn that it was Chrysalis they were going to, not Celestia, but as a whole the story seems lacking in incident which is a bit strange for a story where two humans hand their baby to a sketchy cheese-pony and are handed back an egg in return. Everyone seems a bit too accepting of what is going on, which feels slightly odd.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
At first I was a bit nonplussed at the use of humans in this, as it felt like the story could have been told with ponies making the same deal, though the second half explores why this is the case more. There's some nice ideas in the story, but again not developed much.
By The Power Of Patriotism!, by RainbowBob
Story: Celestia must battle George Washington to stop him merging with the Tree of Harmony
I enjoyed this story, it's weird and silly and actually entertaining. It made me laugh and had some clever ideas, and for a comedy, that's all I really want. That said, Celestia's voice felt really off, I couldn't imagine her using any of the language in this story, which broke some of the immersion for me.
Prompt: Human in Equestria and seventh element
Crossovers aren't allowed as per the competition rules. Do historical figures count as a crossover? Probably not, though it feels against the spirit of the thing, as it is still inserting an established character into a story rather than something wholly original. Thankfully it's not the only prompt used so I don't have to make some sort of firm decision based on this, though I feel George Washington with a cyborg hand as the 'Element of Patriotism' (and Kennedy as the 'Element of Adultery' is veering too far into parody territory. Under the rules, comedy is allowed but parody isn't. There's a thin line, but nowhere are the prompts themselves taken seriously.
All Skin and Bones, by Redsquirrel456
Story: A human necromancer attempts to restore the dead pony race
Well, that was grim! Well-written, but grim! There's some great ideas here, very evocatively portrayed in an interesting manner, and some good twists. But boy, it's grim. The story is marked mature for violence, and it has lots of swearing and newborns getting their heads caved in with a spade, and a dog getting its head stamped by a hoof and its brains flying everywhere. While the subject matter is dark, I'm not sure it needed to be this needlessly cruel. Good story, but leaves a bad taste in the mouth.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
There's a lot of questions asked and not many answers, but this is done in a satisfying, interesting way. We're in some sort of post apocalypse with no (or perhaps one) pony survivor, and the human comes across as a vivid character. Albeit one who likes to swear.
Returning with Purpose, by Tineid
Story: All the elements of harmony are going super-powered, what's going on?
There's a good story in here somewhere, but the pacing of this story is all wrong, unfortunately. I liked a lot of the concepts, and especially the 'twist' with Twilight near the end, but all the character moments and interesting ideas are skipped over which is odd, especially after a detailed set up.
Prompt: OC alicorn and seventh element
Okay, whilst the OC alicorn is a bit 'same old, same old' and isn't really developed at all (again, the ending of the story feeling really rushed), the seventh element aspect is well done, and actually gives an interesting twist. It's a shame the consequences of this aren't really explored.
Careful What You Wish For, by Cloudhammer
Story: Two human scientists find the alicorn amulet and end up in Equestria
That brief synopsis is pretty much the plot of the story. Whilst there's some good character work and the plot seems to start to be interesting... it just ends. This feels like the first half of a longer story as all the plot is getting set up, but not a cohesive story in itself, which is a shame. What we have is good, but it's just setup.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
The inclusion of the alicorn amulet raises some interesting questions, though these are never answered. There's a good twist at the end, though I assumed it was the case due to the introduction of the story. The story doesn't really follow through on exploring the premise, instead just ending as it gets interesting.
In Between, by M1Garand8
Story: Celestia and Luna's middle sister waits for them to be unbanished.
While this story has some nice ideas behind it, much like the middle sister it feels like the middle of a story. Alternate universe stories can be quite tricky, in that they require a lot of groundwork in order to maintain suspension of disbelief, and often come across as stories striving to solve a problem that didn't exist until it was created for the alternate universe. This story took a while to get the foundations laid (initially I wasn't sure if it was alternate universe, it was potentially future or something else) and then ends before the resolution. What we're left with is Umbra, the third alicorn, running about, thinking of her childhood and putting her plan into motion which (seemingly) works fine. It feels like it needed something additional to make it work - as it stands, this new alicorn takes the place of Celestia, whilst both Celestia and Luna get the 'Nightmare Moon' spot. To avoid being a retread, it needed something additional, I fear.
Prompt: OC Alicorn
The use of alt universe makes the OC alicorn more palatable, though at the same time this feels like the 'safe' option as it isn't 'real'. Whilst I don't like to judge stories based on what they're not, I was hoping there would be some further twist to explore this, such as it ending with a stable timeloop where Umbra 'resets' the world to save Celestia and Luna at the cost of her existence, creating the G4 universe we know, or it turning out that while she was moping over Celestia and Luna being trapped, it was actually her trapped, or... anything. As it is, the story is a pretty straightforward transposition of this character with Celestia.
In Memoriam, by Bachiavellian
Story: Celestia and Luna's carer sits at home waiting for news
There's not much to this story, unfortunately. It starts with a nice little character piece with a young Celestia and Luna, then moves to some foreboding description and then... it ends. The story reads more like a prologue to a longer work than something in its own right, as the majority of it is buildup to a story that doesn't happen. It's told quite well, but there's not much to tell.
Prompt: OC alicorn
The OC alicorn in this story, Cantata, is portrayed as Celestia and Luna's... carer? Babysitter? While the character seemed solid enough, there's not enough to really get a grip on what she's like and her role in the story. Additionally, her alicorn-ness isn't really a factor, aside from one or two mentions of having wings and horns. You could have made her a normal pony and the story would not have changed at all.
The Sun Shines Over The Delaware, by Anemptyshell
Story: A parallel Equestria where it was colonised by the British
Well, that's original! The premise is certainly intriguing, but it isn't explored. Is Equestria just in the place of America? What's it like for the people living there? How does this society work? Why are the British wanting to invade and enslave everyone if they've already colonised it? My main issue with this story is that it is more a synopsis of events that happen, not a story in its own right. Apart from the mention of ponies and Celestia, you could be mistaken for thinking it is George Washington fanfiction.
Prompt: Human in Equestria and Human shipped with main character
I'll give the writer points for the idea of telling the story from the point of view of an already existing human colonist, but this idea isn't really explored at all. Likewise with the shipping, that just appears at the last minute. The time jumping nature of the story makes it very hard to get a grip on any of the events in it. Also, does using George Washington, an already established human, go against the spirit of the 'no crossovers' rule? Not sure.
A Princess in Time, by NorsePony
Story: The story of Cadance's mother and the fall of the Crystal Empire
This is another story that I wanted to like more than I did. There's some really clever stuff in here (I especially liked the two-word chapter 5) but the focus is all over the place, as if it isn't sure whether it wants to be about Cadance's mother, the rise of King Sombra, the origin of Cadance or the defeat of Sombra by Celestia (she stabs him through the chest with her horn, don't you know). Any combination of these ideas would be good, but trying to fit them all in at different points makes the story feel insubstantial. The short Cadance section, for example, could be removed entirely without affecting any of the tale (yet that's where it gets the title from, I wonder if it was originally going to be a different tale entirely).
Prompt: OC Alicorn
The OC alicorn here is Cadance's mother, ruler of the Crystal Empire. If you're going to add another alicorn, that's probably the most suitable point. I actually liked the focus on her at the beginning and then learning her fate off-screen, that's effective, but we don't get to know her in enough detail to care about her fate. She's regally and princessy, and that's it. Ponies are on her side because the alternate is King Sombra who is King Evil, not because of any personality aspect she has, and the story only really develops her as 'not evil like King Sombra'. It's a tricky one.
Our Shining Light, by Cobalt Coda
Story: Cadance's bodyguard falls in love with her, but will she return the gesture?
This is a nice, entertaining read. It's a good ship pair, and I felt for the most part, with the omission of a bit of melodrama, the plot moved at a good pace and finished as satisfyingly as it could. All that spoilt it for me was the rather repetitive and annoying use of speech tags (not every speech needs to have one), the frankly rather ridiculous secrecy around Shining Armor's 'busyness' and the fact 'Cadance' is spelled wrong consistently.
Prompt: Shipping with main character
Shipping a recently married character! That's a bold move, and the writer pulls it off well and appropriately. Everyone feels natural, with the aforementioned throwing under the bus of Shining Armor. That felt very forced for plot purposes.
Fading, by Rinnaul
Story: A human in Equestria is dying from exposure to magic.
This is a nice little story of Celestia talking to a human in hospital for whom exposure to magic is fatal. Most of the story is told well and naturally, though there are a few instances where it falls into the trap of 'two characters telling each other stuff they both know'. That said, the story is very short, and doesn't really get the time to explore the premise or build enough character to get an emotional impact.
Prompt: Human in Equestria
I want to say the whole 'magic is fatal to humans' is original but I'm sure I've read that before, even in this same contest. The ideas are nice, but the story is short and doesn't get the chance to either explore this or the character enough or make the experience a unique one. You could even swap out the human with an Equestrian allergic to magic and it would read exactly the same apart from one mention of television.
Wish Unfulfillment, by hazeyhooves
Story: Pinkie Pie has to keep quiet or an evil genie will curse her.
This was a short, fun story. The plot is simple and goes along at a good speed, the central idea is funny and well-handled, and it doesn't outstay its welcome. My only criticism would be it feels a bit rushed in places, especially some of the time jumps which are odd given the narrative style, but overall it's a solid, entertaining story.
Prompt: Second person
This is actually a good and unusual use of second person, in that it is actually from the viewpoint of a canon character (Pinkie Pie) rather than yet another 'reader in Equestria'. Honestly it felt like a breath of fresh air. The style was actually fun and humourous, and got Pinkie's voice right most of the time.
Strangely Familiar, by Silent Strider
Story: There's a human at loose reshaping the world with the power of his mind. Also, Trixie.
While I enjoyed reading this story, there's probably too much happening in it, and the end result is muddled. The use of all the prompts adds unnecessary complexity to the story, moreso than it needs to have. I liked the use of Discord at the end, though feel there was more potential in this tale than was actually realised.
Prompt: All of them
There's a bold effort to use all the prompts here, but not all of them are pulled off. Least successful is the shipping (Trixie x human, it seems to come out of nowhere) and second person (a few short sections are second person, it doesn't add anything to the story, really). The idea of the human having a seventh element that is reshaping Equestria according to his memories is interesting but we don't really spend much time with him or get into the effects too much. The OC alicorn as some sort of ancient guardian is also quite insubstantial and is more of a plot device. But it is a good effort, and most of these are used in imaginative ways.
Time & Disregard, by RazgrizS57
Story: Time and Disregard are alicorns who are literally 'time' and 'disregard'
This is a nice little slice of life story about two alicorn brothers who encapsulate concepts and can't be seen by anyone else. While low on incident, it's written really well and there's some excellent characterisation and ideas. I really liked it, it's sweet, and I'd like to see more!
Prompt: OC alicorn
The idea of conceptual entities has popped up a lot, but I like the idea of them being brothers, counterparting Celestia and Luna. The relationship between the two characters is very well drawn out, and dare I say it, interesting.
Mush Story, by Dafaddah
Story: Twilight goes to the human world and falls in love.
Is this a sequel? It doesn't state it is anywhere, but it starts as if assuming the reader has read some sort of previous story, and goes on about a character called Alice who I don't know nor am given any reason to care about. If it is a sequel, it does a bad job of standing on its own, and if it isn't, the writer does a bad job of worldbuilding (stories that do not stand on their own are my bugbear). EDIT: it does mention it is a sequel in the description, that’ll learn me to jump right in!
The plot is that Twilight falls in love with a human, but we're never given any reasons why she does apart from knocking out his tooth, and there's lots of timeskips so we miss any and all character development. Was this character in the original too? Am I supposed to have read it to understand what his character is?
Prompt: Shipping with main character, human in Equestria
Again, as it is a sequel there is pretty much no context given to what is going on, making it very confusing. The romance is front and centre, but also completely skipped over. No reason is given why Twilight would fall in love with this human, whose sole personality is 'nice' and 'gets his tooth knocked out', and if I sound grumpy it's because I dislike being tricked into reading a story which claims it is standalone but blatantly isn't.
I'm glad that the contest is over, at least because now I can edit that story. I knew since the day after I submitted it that I'd messed it up quite badly. The first two chapters received thought and care, and everything else I rushed through in the wee hours before the entry deadline.
I haven't enjoyed reading the (very accurate) reviews of my story, but at least I have an idea what must be done!
2297448
Honestly, I thought there was a lot of good stuff there, but the pacing was all wrong. I think it was clearly a case where deadline doom forced you to rush the end after spending a lot of time on setup. Quite a few stories were like that.
2297448 You know you could have fixed it even after you submitted it, right?
2297597 Not while judging is going on! If you edit during that time, then the judges would be reading different stories depending on when they were read!
I had less of a case of Deadline Doom than a case of Storius Interruptus.
Me: Done!
Readers: That's it? Boo!
Me: (scribble, scribble, edit, post) Ok, third chapter added. Done!
Readers: That's better. We're putting away the tar and feathers now.
2297642 Very interesting! It reads like the third chapter was the plan the whole time though, I can definitely see how it would be felt to be incomplete if it ended at chapter 2.
2297663 (you made me look back at my history)
I *like* tense cliffhangers that make the readers think. "Celestia Help the Outcasts" was an extreme case of that, and I got some rather good-natured threats out of it, but it triggered me to write "Monster" two months later, so sometimes my cliffhanging ways produce even better fruit in time.
(admittedly I cliffhangered the (censored) out of Monster...)
2297597 Regardless of rules, touching that story after the submission deadline would have been cheating in my own mind.
2297625 Exactly.
2297625 2297727 Obselescence didn't seem to think so; and it was his group and his rules.
2297748 Obs says there: "substantial changes wholesale are much more heavily discouraged than minor fixes." I'd need to delete most of my story and rewrite it from scratch to be happy with it, which isn't a minor fix.
I did say "cheating in my own mind" though, so I still wouldn't have edited it had he said go for it.
Thank you for the review
I wrote my story with all prompts to challenge myself, take myself out of my comfort zone. Heck, before the contest I never thought I would write any of those prompts; I didn't think myself capable of pulling any of them without turning my story into a train wreck.
I actually thought using second person as a plot device would be interesting (it was due to the "inner voice" of the character Luna connected with narrating what he was seeing, the inner voice using second person because the character is a RPG game master). But in my rush to finish I kinda left out the clues that would let the reader figure this out
I do see my story as quite raw yet, which is why it's not visible to the general public. I still want to polish it (which will likely send it above the word limit of the contest, though that does not matter anymore), but that is a long term project and might be contingent on myself finding someone willing to edit the story for me. The reviews I got for it already showed that areas I thought were okay still need a lot of work, specially the romance, which was nearly universally decried.
Thanks for the review!
I wasn't expecting to win anything with my first story ever, so my goal was to simply amuse the judges with something unusual. It makes me pretty happy to hear that I did accomplish that, at least for one judge!
Thanks for the review! You're pretty spot-on with the "safe" option, not for being AU but for being an old character idea I dusted off and wrote with time running out.
I have to ask... are you psychic? The original conception of Corona (no, not the Nightmare!Celestia in my entry) was because she was "discarded" character (discarded by Lauren Faust, no less, during her early design process) and was the main villain in the G4 universe we know... in the third season because of some complicated reason. Umbra was actually Corona's "remorse" that split off as a separate entity after Corona was defeated by the Elements of Harmony.
... It's a very long story of deconstruction on creators and I haven't even begun to start writing the damn thing and I had the idea since 2012.
All I really did was to take her and put her in a What If universe where she was a third alicorn sibling and Celestia and Luna went Nightmare Moon. Of course, I haven't had enough to develop the idea properly and I wished I did. Most likely I'm going to dump the entire story and rewrite the whole from scratch. Hope the second attempt would be better. =x