Sebastian, a human in Equestria, wants to meet the alicorn goddesses for help getting back home. Turns out, there's some paperwork first.
Sometimes a story's natural and proper length is somewhere between 1 and 999 words.
In the newest mini-story (most recent 'chapter'): Sebastian, a human in Equestria, wants to meet the alicorn goddesses for help getting back home. Turns out, there's some paperwork first.
(In the first of several mini-stories, Twilight learned more about Luna's role as goddess of the Underworld.)
These stories are closer to "E for Everyone" than to "T for Teen," but I'm rating cautiously.
I've also rated each story individually as E or T.
"What a vulgar thing to say!" Twilight complained. "Of all ponies...I would have expected better of you."
Celestia smiled. "Twilight...old sayings and stories sometimes hold hidden wisdom. Didn't most ponies think Nightmare Moon was just a silly fable for foals?"
"But I did RESEARCH! In BOOKS!"
"Books of ancient breezie tales, published to entertain the young. Let me show you something." Celestia led the way to Luna's room, and knocked on the door. "Luna, my dear?"
Luna said flatly, "What."
"I need to go adventuring with Twilight. Take care of the sun for me, would you?"
(Sigh.) "Sure."
"Thank you!"
***
Several weeks later, after many adventures, Celestia led Twilight through one of the Underworld's better neighborhoods.
"Wow!" Twilight said. "This is so much nicer than Tartarus!"
"Yes." Celestia looked at an hourglass strapped to her fetlock. The hourglass had been enchanted to have its own local gravity field, so it would always keep accurate time. "I'm glad we're not late."
A golden door opened, and an enormous donkey came out. The donkey ate hay from a golden trough, and drank mead from a fountain. Afterwards, the donkey walked to the center of a courtyard, and stood rigidly on all four legs.
"This is important!" Celestia said. "Tell me what everything smells like."
Twilight inhaled. "That's some really good hay. And that golden liquid...is it honey? But it smells fermented, too."
"Very good. But this next part is even more important."
A golden sphere fell out of the donkey's backside, and rolled across the ground. It softly glowed.
"I never thought I'd actually see such a thing," Twilight said. "Golden horseapples. One of them, anyway."
"Yes. Keep paying attention."
After a minute, the sphere rose into the air, and flew away eastwards. As it flew, the sphere seemed to swell up, and glow brighter and brighter.
"Where's it going?"
"The Eastern Gate of the Underworld."
"Who is that donkey? Why does she live in the underworld?"
Celestia explained, "As you might know, Luna is the principal deity of the Underworld. So that donkey is sacred to my sister. And another thing: did the golden horseapple smell like anything, to you?"
"Well...nothing bad. Maybe a little metallic?"
"So you see what this means."
"No. Tell me?"
"Her horseapples really DON'T stink. And the sun really DOES shine out of my sister's ass. "
"A Song for Cocklebur" [Adventure; Rated T for Teen (Death)]
Cocklebur Note was the luckiest and the unluckiest pony in Equestria. After years of practice, she wrote a song so sweet it could almost make you forget to breathe.
After two local ponies asphyxiated, the village council ordered her to give up music forever.
One night, she vanished.
She awoke in a castle's highest tower, secret prisoner of a blonde pegasus prince, who desired fame as a songwriter. After three months, she wrote a song for him.
I shine like the sun, I fly like a bird, I travel all over the world.
My feathers are bright, I gleam in the light My power can grant nearly any desire.
In all of the city, my home is the first and the last touched by light of the sun and the moon.
Gold thieves broke into the tower, freeing Cocklebur. Years later, the Singing Bandit finished making the prince a pauper.
Author's Notes
1. I think every proper riddle has at least one proper answer.
2. I wrote all or practically all of this story by October 31st. Thereafter just I sat on it for a while. So any accidental similarities after that point are at worst [specifically, a rhyme used in a lyric] just ambient cliche unoriginality, with no particular person at fault. Sorry about that.
3. A few hours before the Nov. 21st deadline, I made minor edits for formatting, and to this Author's Note.
Celestia gestured with a forehoof. "I am Princess Celestia. To my left sits Luna. To my right, Cadance." Celestia frowned. "But one of these things I say is not true."
Twilight blinked. "Not true?"
"Not true. My little student, can you tell me which one?"
Twilight trotted closer, to carefully examine the suspects. Twilight said, "Sunshine!" Cadance and Twilight danced, reciting a rhyme about ladybugs. Twilight cast a barrage of spells at each supposed alicorn one by one, and at all of the alicorns together.
After her final pyrotechnics, Twilight panted with effort. "I don't know. I don't know! Where's the falsehood?"
Celestia smiled. "One of these things I say is not true."
"That was the lie?"
Celestia nodded.
"But that's a paradox! It's neither true NOR false!" Twilight snorted scornfully. "The Celestia I know would never cheat at a game. Unforgivable!"
Twilight threw several fireballs. "Look, I found Chrysalis!"
"Most Cats Can't Fly" [Comedy; Rated E for Everyone]
When Twilight stepped into her mentor's bathroom, she saw a giant alicorn covered with roaring flames.
Twilight screamed.
The flaming creature cannonballed into the bathtub. Surrounded by steam, Celestia said, "Don't worry. It's just today's lesson."
"A lesson in what?"
"Alicorn genealogy. Long ago, we needed somepony who could create and control a sun at will."
"Create?"
"You don't think suns just happen, do you? But unicorn magic wasn't strong enough. An alicorn princess knew we needed more firepower than unicorn magic alone could provide. So she married a kirin."
"Ok."
"Their daughter was half kirin/nirik, half alicorn. So she married another kirin. THEIR daughter was two halves kirin/nirik, one half alicorn."
"I don't think that's how math--"
"Generations later, the combined powers of many halves can create and control a sun at will!" Celestia preened herself. "And that's how we have sunlight whenever we need it today!"
"When Nothing Else Remains" [Slice of Life. Rated E for Everyone]
Twilight said, "I don't even see what's wrong with this paper, except for some spelling mistakes. But your teacher says you need to rewrite it and resubmit it so it gets at least a B, or you won't pass the class?"
"Yeah. If I flunk, I won't be allowed to play for Canterlot High in any tournament games until I get my GPA back up."
"Hmm," Twilight said, "At Crystal Prep, they thought winning was everything. So if you transferred there, maybe they WOULD give you passing grades in all your classes, just so you could play and help them win their championships."
"But you HATED that school. They were a bunch of jerks!"
"They were. But that's the price you sometimes have to pay, to 'win' no matter what. That, and someday after you graduate, you might discover you have problems because there's a lot of useful stuff you don't know, like how interest rates work on credit cards, or that Canadian ISN'T a real language."
"Hmmph," Rainbow snorted. "You're not really helping. Eyes on the prize! I need a B or else, you know?"
"Sure. Let me try to figure out what's wrong with this paper. But just in case...what was the original assignment about?"
"Here's the handout." Rainbow passed a sheet of paper across the table to Twilight.
Twilight's eyes scanned at almost superhuman speed. "Rainbow? This is the easiest assignment I've ever seen. It's pass/fail. All you need to do is write the assigned number of words on ANYTHING, anything at all. The only reason you got an F is...I guess you can't count?"
What? But I DID count the words. One, two, three, four..."
A moment later, Twilight interrupted. "A hyphenated word is just one word. So if you spell them right, twenty-four is one word, not two. So are clean-cut, double-cross, co-worker...no, you spelled that coworker, so you counted it right by mistake...front-runner, runner-up, toss-up..."
"So I got everything wrong?"
"Sometimes rules don't seem to make much sense. Like when I first saw this paper, I thought it was pretty good. I'd never thought about these lessons you can learn from soccer and apply to the rest of your life. I think what you wrote was a lot better than just getting the right number of words."
Rainbow grinned. "What can I say? I'm so awesome at sports, it leaks out into the rest of my life and makes me awesome at other things too!"
"This paper makes a surprisingly good case for that. What really impresses me is, you said so much in even fewer words than you were supposed to use. That's like...better than laconic."
"What's laconic?"
"When something is short like 'This is SPARTA!' except it's actually clever."
"Oh. I hated that movie. It was just so...yellow, you know? And that's NOT how proper sports training works. Kicking people down wells just makes it harder to stay properly hydrated."
Twilight nodded. "I've never seen 300, but I'll trust you. But at least this paper is easy to fix. We just add some extra words of any old garbage, and you'll pass your class!"
"But...my paper was good. You said so yourself. Why should I make it WORSE just to follow some dumb old rule?"
Twiliight sighed. "Sometimes that's just how the real world works."
"Drama Queen" [Comedy, Slice of Life; Rated E for Everyone]
"Everypony? Is there anycreature here who can't pull their legs up onto their chair?" The hostess looked around. "Great!"
Minutes later, a flood had submerged the room to a depth of three hoofwidths. On a small rowboat with a fake sail and a Jolly Roger pirate flag, two ponies fought with swords.
"Avast ye!"
"I shall never yield!" But a sword pierced the speaker's naval uniform. "Aaa!" The pony fell dramatically into the water. The splash drenched Twilight's hayburger, washing away the pickles.
The winner rowed the boat back into the kitchen.
When the flood drained away, Twilight got up to leave. The hostess stopped her. "What did you think?"
Twilight sighed. "It was...unique."
"I KNOW! I only have one question."
Twilight shook her head.
"What's a good name for a fast casual restaurant where the employees show off their acting talents?"
Without a word, Twilight left.
"Daring Do's Third Most Embarrassing Mistake Ever (A Shortage of Wisdom)" [Adventure; Rated E for Everyone]
In the depths of a monumental granite maze, Daring Do leaped between different paving stones, each marked with its own symbol or pictogram. As she leaped, she recited to herself, "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, bee...ay!"
One of the wall's stones rotated, exposing a secret chamber.
"Yes!" Daring said. She scooped out exotic gold coins, old documents, and a chalice bedecked with precious stones.
Behind her, a donkey cleared her throat.
Daring spun around. "What? Are you here to congratulate me on solving the Mystery of the Ancient Donkey Temple of Wisdom?"
The donkey snorted. "The Ancient Temple of Donkey Wisdom is half a mile away. This is the Third National Bank of Donkeystan. You just hacked my pin number, and stole everything out of my safety deposit box."
Daring Do blushed. "Sorry," she said. "I always get the Old Donkish runes for wealth and wisdom confused."
Shooting Stars (A Mordetwi Fanfic) [Slice of Life; Rated T for Teen (Death)]
In the ruins of a coconut plantation on a deserted tropical island, a nerdy-looking girl sat wearing glasses and ripped, torn clothes. She scratched her dark, magenta-striped hair.
On the beach in front of her, a row of three signal fires burned. She doubted anyone but herself would ever see them.
She looked up at the night sky. Another meteoroid entered the atmosphere, burning a glowing trail across the heavens.
She sang, "Can we pretend that shooting stars...in the night sky...are AEROPLANES? Cause I could really use a RESCUE now. I could really use a RESCUE now."
She heard birdsong from a nearby tree. The girl picked up a rock and threw it. A moment later, a bird fell to the sand.
She bent over it, studying its blue plumage. "Huh. What's a Cyanocitta cristata doing here?" She shrugged. "At least it's something I can eat that isn't another coconut."
"The Forbidden Dance of Confusion: Twilight Sparkle Versus an Angry Swarm of Bees" [Slice of Life; Rated E For Everyone]
"...and do a little shake!" Twilight and Cadance chorused as they waggled their hindquarters.
The alicorns giggled.
Cadance said, "Don't panic--"
"AAAAAA!" Twilight screamed.
"...but you have a bee on your mane."
Twilight laughed nervously. "One little bee. I can handle--"
A cloud of bees surrounded the pair.
"AAAAAAAA! BEES BEES BEES A SWARM OF ANGRY BEES AAAAA--"
"Maybe if we just stay very still and ignore them, they'll go away."
As the bees circled, Twilight stood rigid with fear.
"So it turned out our "sunshine, sunshine" dance is too much like the dance bees do to show their sisters where flowers are...but ours is a confusing, nonsense version. So Fluttershy made us promise to never do it again."
"Huh," Pinkie said. "Where IS Fluttershy anyway?"
In a faraway meadow, thousands of creatures transformed from bees (and one pegasus) into changelings. "They'll never do that annoying dance again!" Chrysalis gloated.
The stylist glanced at the gift certificate, and stared at the customer. "Are you serious?"
"You style manes and tails here, right?"
"Yes...but not for just ANY pony. If you know what I mean."
Princess Celestia nodded, shaking her ethereal mane. "Is there anything you COULD do for me?"
"This would be a special exception...but do you have a dog?"
***
Using a can opener (just because), Discord opened his envelope. "A gift certificate for up to three hours of assistance from Prim Pencil's Home and Office Organizing Service. 'We make chaos a thing of the past.' VERY funny, Celestia."
He shrugged. "Time to regift. And I know just the pony to give this to."
A few days later, Twilight Sparkle opened her mail and gasped.
"Does somepony have a REASON to send this to me? What am I doing wrong?" she wailed. "Spike! Fetch me a blank checklist!"
"Ponies Don't Have Fingers (,Piles/ /of/ !!/Pretentious ;Punctuation!!!)" [Slice of Life; Rated E for Everyone]
Beside Twilight was a cart. Its cloth cover hid her mysterious invention.
In front of Twilight sat three grumpy ponies, the All-Equestria Invention Contest judges.
Twilight announced, "I've built a typewriter for ponies!"
"Nonsense!" the contest's chief judge scoffed. "Writing Equestrian requires DOZENS of letters, so a typewriter needs DOZENS of keys. And hooves are so big, we simply can't fit enough keys onto a single typewriter. So Equestrian-language typewriters are impossible."
Twilight smiled. "Letter keys are overrated."
She yanked the cloth aside. Her invention looked like she'd scrambled three typewriters together, cut off all the human-style keys, and bolted on a few hoof-size paddles instead.
Twilight sat her plot upon a bench, pointing all four legs towards her mechanical monstrosity.
"Get out! Go away! Not another word!" the assistant judge warned.
Using all four hooves at once, Twilight banged out three lines at a time...using only small-print punctuation marks.
Cotton Candy said cheerfully, "Equestria has Gods too! Celestia and Luna move the sun and the moon, and sometimes they even hear ponies' requests in court. They live in that palace over there."
Sebastian gazed longingly at the marble edifice. "Maybe they can help me get home to Earth."
***
When Sebastian returned, Cotton Candy asked cheerfully, "Did you see the princesses?"
"The clerks said I have to fill out some forms first. Can you help?"
"Sure!" Cotton's mouth picked up a pencil.
***
A day later, Sebastian held out a new form. "Ink only."
***
Sebastian returned, looking weary. "Relocation Subservices said we've been using the wrong document series. Time to start over."
***
"I've tried so hard to see them...but I've always failed." Sebastian massaged Cotton's shoulders. "I'm not sure they even exist. I think...I've become an atheist."
"What does that mean?"
"Less time with paperwork." Sebastian smiled. "More time with you."
Addendum
(Yes, Sebastian might be a little imprecise or off about the formal definitions of atheist vs. agnostic, thank you. He didn't bring an Earth dictionary.)
