Meet Butter Knife. A black and blue-maned zigzag-pinstriped alicorn who happened to have all five of her biological parents brutally murdered during her adventures through the WAHOOWOOPDESHOOP...land.
How does she have five biological parents? We don't speak of that.
Also, she's terrible at stabbing things, no matter what she does.
In addition, she has more magical ability than every alicorn combined, plus Tirek, plus Discord, plus Tom the rock. And maybe even Brian the Balloon animal, too. Heck, let's just assume that she has time travel capabilities.
So what are you going to do with your newfound abilities, Butter?
"First off," the dual-tone-maned zigzag-pinstriped alicorn began, smacking her dry lips, "The name is Knife."
Yes, yes go on.
"Second off," she continued, "I've always had those abilities. Ever since I was granted immortality by the great race of Hazboruu during my trek through Wahoowoopdeshoop...uh, land, I've had the ability to traverse time and space in an instant. I can also make a pretty freakin' good milkshake."
I don't remember ever saying anything about your cooking abiliti--
"Shut up." the mare deadpanned, "Your narrating annoys me."
Well too bad, little miss Butter Knife.
The (relatively) small and quite annoyed horny winged horse snorted grumpily.
"Did you just--"
I was describing your horn, sweetheart.
"Don't call me that! It's painstakingly... sweet."
Okay, Bumkins.
"SCREW YOU!"
Geez, Miss Poutyhead. Don't blow a fuse now, we're hardly 231 words in!
"What."
Aaaaanyways, let's bundle you up in this happy little pink sparkly gift box with happy faces and a rainbow ribbon, put that inside a bigger, bubble-wrapped box of cacti, stuff that inside a bank vault, and then send the whole thing hurtling down into... Ponyville!
The absurdly large bank vault landed with the force of a hundred crazed, hyperactive dancing elephants. Of which sounded like a thud that echoed through the ground, into and out of Derpy's secret underground nuclear bunker, up through the various cottages, and back up into the air, echoing over the small town.
Boom.
"GET ME OUT OF THIS FREAKIN' THING! IT'S STUFFY." Butter Knife ranted from within the nesting-doll equivalent of packaging.
All around town, ponies emerged to gaze at the 20-foot (hoof?) tall behemoth that was the oversized bank vault that now sat in the location of what used to be perfectly placed cobblestones.
"DARNIT!" Spike wailed from beside the bank vault, "I just stacked those!"
Aside from Spike, who went on complaining about his crushed cobble stack, the first being to even approach the giant vault was none other than Rainbow Dash.
And by approach, I mean that she may or may not have been looking when she smacked face-first into the side of the vault with a sickening twang noise emanating from within the vault.
"WHO'S THERE?!" a mildly high-pitched, distorted voice screamed from inside. "I HEARD A KNOCK! WILL SOMEBODY LET ME OUT OF THIS THING, OR DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF?! IT'S SO DARK IN HERE, IT'S ALMOST LIKE MY SOUL."
Upon hearing the complaints of the voice, Twilight lit her horn, focusing her magic on the combo pad.
About 3.141592653 minutes later, a quiet, metallic click sound signalled the unlocking of the vault...
...Only to reveal a hulking cardboard box with an Amazon PrimeTM branded tape sealing the thing.
"Wait. You shipped me to this place through AMAZON?!"
Maybe.
"Geez."
"PINKIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Twilight yelled as the pink ponk pronked her way into the vault with a honk.
"I'M GONNA TOUCH THE BOX!" Pinkie hollered in return, punching the side of the cactus-filled somewhat-bubble-wrapped box.
Wait, it's bubble wrapped?!
Yes, Pinkie. Yes it is. Though I'm pretty sure that the heat of the vault containing the box during atmospheric reentry probably melted most of it already. And maybe scorched the box. And probably some cacti.
Aww. Okay.
You do realize that you probably have bubble-wrap in your mane, right?
"WOULD YOU TWO IDIOTS STOP TALKING ALREADY?! I CAN HEAR BOTH OF YOU!"
Ooh! Another pony who can sense beyond the fourth wall? Cool!
"GET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU DIMWITS!"
Geez, just let the story go on.
Twilight rolled her eyes, and set Pinkie aside with her magic as she began dragging the box from the vault. Once that task was complete, she immediately set upon opening the aforementioned box... only to fail, because for some unforeseen reason, cacti now nullify any and all magical fields they encounter.
"Urk. You know what, if you're gonna do that, I'll just get out on my own. I don't mind... shedding some blood."
Fine, Butterface.
"ARAAAAAAAAAAGHCK!" the moderate-sized alicorn screeched, tearing cleanly through the first box with her hooves.
"HIAAAAAAIT!" she continued screaming, slashing through the layers of cacti-- sending the lifeblood of the unfortunate victims flying, with her trusty weapon of choice and namesake, Slicey the butter knife.
"Did... did you seriously just narrate me with the noises that Link makes in Ocarina of Time when he attacks?"
Yup.
"...nerd."
Before Twilight was able to turn on her blowtorch to burn her way through the cacti, a lone butter knife stabbed through the confines of the corrugated pulped tree carcass, slowly carving a roughly alicorn-sized hole into the material with the dull blade of the knife.
With a triumphant kick, the cactus-studded black and red, strangely zebralike alicorn emerged wearing a horned top hat, minor bling, a heart locket (Of which may or may not have held her soul), a cape, and a monocle. Of course, almost all of the accessories matched with her inner darkness... and redness... and so-called 'pinstripe' design that definitely wasn't just a ripoff of Zebrican patterns.
"What."
I realized about three hours too late that pony creator's closest body patterning to what would amount to pinstripe was zebra stripes. Also, you look hilarious in that getup.
"What."
Exactly. ON WITH THE STORY!
Fluttershy gasped at the sight of the alicorn emerging from the cactus-filled mildly scorched box. "Oh my," she said quietly, slowly walking towards the pony, "Are you alright? Those cactus spines look like a pain to deal with, maybe... I could help?"
"It's quite alright, for pain is life." Butter Knife deadpanned, tucking her blade under her horned hat, "And life is pain. Without life there is no suffering, and therefore, existence is a burden upon us all. It weighs us down, it makes us suffer... why must we live, when all we do in the end is die? Why should I be kind... when you can always get your way by violence."
...Okay then. I see you're tryharding.
"IT'S NOT AN ACT, YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME, just like all my friends that abandoned me..."
What was that, Honeybunches? I literally made your character and personality a few hours ago today. Do you really think that I don't know you? Also, what friends?
Alright, Sharp Stuff, y'all ready for the time of your life?
"FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S KNIFE. BUTTER. KNIFE."
Yeah, yeah, and my name's Bond. James Bond.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA--"
Nope. Lemme just cut you off right there with my narration powers before you annoy the readers.
"..."
Aww, being sulky, aren't you? Aaaaanyhow, you're invited to one of Pinkie's parties!
"Isn't that mare pretty much the living embodiment of positivity?"
Yup.
"Screw it. Lemme pick these cactus needles out of my--"
WHOOSH!
"-- oh. You just narrated them out, didn't you."
Yup. Now you don't have any excuse not to go!
"Geez, fine, dad."
Personally, I identify as an emotional potato.
"What."
What?
Butter Knife let out an irked grown as she neared Sugarcube Corner. The air smelled of freshly baked pastries, enticing the mare to march onward. Deep down, she hoped that there'd be some butter pound cake. Not the foal, mind you. The actual cake kind.
The moment she stepped inside, however, her entire outlook, (not to mention her grumbling stomach,) shifted straight into sour territory.
"Seriously." she grumbled, mimicking her stomach in tone, "Does it really have to be this tacky?"
She got her answer in the form of a screaming Pinkie Pie, who landed atop the alicorn with a squeak as she simultaneously plopped a party hat onto both herself and Butter Knife, as well as launch streamers into the air, hang three banners, and feed Gummy his lunchtime meal of--
"Rotting souls."
What.
"I smell something putrid."
Is it really that bad?
"Whoops! That must be the cupcakes! I got so excited that I must've forgotten about them!"
"..."
"I also have that pound cake you wanted!" Pinkie hollered, bursting from the back room with the pastry plastered in wild whipped cream.
Well, Butterball, looks like you'll have your cake and eat it too!
"Will there be one day when you get my name right?"
Yeah. That was first paragraph of the first chapter!
"Oh, I'll make you pay one day... one night, mark my words, you'll wake up to find--"
What, your little spread knife, or that teddy bear you still sleep with sometimes?
"Sh-shut up!"
Heheh.
"Large batch of cupcakes is ready, Butter Knife!" Pinkie hollered from behind the kitchen doors, "Get 'em while they're warm! That's when they're the yummiest!"
"Oh?" Butter Knife's ears perked at the sound of Pinkie's voice. "Ooh! Over here!"
Ah, and I almost thought for a moment that you were edgy, too.
"Hey, bright yellow cupcakes can represent... uh, the dying leaves of fall, all disease-ridden and moldy!"
Oh. Okay. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
"Ha. Serves you right for messing with me. Now allow me to devour this pastry with the utmost ferocity in silence."
You done with eating your cupcakes, hungry hungry hippo?
"...Don't ever call me that again."
Alrighty then, pastry vacuum.
"Grr."
...Butter Knife yelped as she proceeded to transform abruptly into a dog. In the middle of a kindergarten class. On bring your pet to school day.
"WHAT?! TURN ME BACK!"
No.
Butter Knife the overly edgy doggo proceeded to be smothered by a miniature mountain of tiny fillies and colts. Because that is what happens if you mess with the narrater.
"YOU FOOLS!" Small Black and Red Doggo screeched in fury, attempting to claw through the foals with a ferocity unseen in any anime save for Shrek. Why is Shrek suddenly an anime? Because screw logic.
Unfortunately, however, Small Doggo's claws were clipped, so to the tiny children, it was more of a fuzzy punch than anything painful.
"I hate you."
Aww, I hate you too Dull Edge.
"Where do you even pull these names out of?!"
Random name generators and the deepest pits of my own imagination. Coincidentally, that's also where you came from.
"A random name generator?"
No. The deepest pits of my imagination.
Knifey the Edgelord Tryhard proceeded to sit on her haunches in deep thought, unfeeling towards the foals climbing all over her and petting her and other activities of the sort.
"Welp. That explains quite a bit." The mare (doggy?) mumbled to herself, flicking a passing filly in the ear with her wagging tail. "Are you really that edgy inside?"
No. I was just talking about my 'bad ideas' hole. It smells quite a bit.
"Shaddup. I'm not a bad idea."
I literally wrote this story for the sake of making fun of you.
"What."
Yup.
"...Ugh. Fine, fine. Just freakin' turn me back. These imbeciles irritate me."
With a single, magical word, the Little Edgelord transformed yet again. Into an armadillo. Made of cacti. Stuffed inside a shoebox. Inside a large sculpture of a toaster. Atop a--
"WILL YOU FREAKIN' STOP?!"
Hey, that's what you get for being a misbehaving little OC. I guess you could call it... karmadillo.
"Wh-- No. No. Stop it."
No.
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!"
Because ha. It's honestly kinda funny watching you trying to figure out how to armadillo.
"Turn me back. NOW."
Fine, fine, Snarkface. Geez, you don't have to get pushy about it. With sudden newfound abilities originating from a slightly-radioactive cupcake that somehow made its way into Pinkie's cupcakes, Butter Knife suddenly had the ability to transform as much as she pleased into anything she wished!
"Ha. You fool. Do you know what you've just done? With a single thought, I shall now transform myself into the most fearsome creature you will ever lay your eyes upo--"
That is... anything she wished as long as it looked adorable. Holy crap, Greased Sword, are you a cute Cthulhu?!
"This is not what I asked for."
Hey, it's a thing, alright? I'll even add a single exception to what I said.
"Oh, really?"
You can turn into anything you want to as long as it's cute, or it's your original form. There. Happy now?
"ARE YOU SAYING I'M NOT CUTE?!"
Is that saying something, Slickstick? And here I thought you didn't like being called cute.
"I--I don't!" Butter Knife stammered in embarrassment as she transformed back to her old alicorn self, blushing the entire time. "I-- hey! Stop narrating me and stuff!"
Butter Knife rolled her eyes with a growl and stared towards the sky. "What is it, oh-great-author-of-this-story?"
BEHOLD!
A flaming streak of light crashed through the air, and straight onto Butter Knife.
"Hi! I'm Ego Boost! Oh, your colors really bring out your eyes, you know that?"
"WHYYYYYY?!" Butter Knife screamed, shaking a hoof dramatically, "WHY DO YOU PLACE SUCH A PLAGUE UNTO ME?!"
Because honestly, Lil' Shankster, I think you need a mood boost. So I made a character whose sole purpose of existing is to praise you 24/7!
"What."
"Ah, yessssh..." Ego Boost moaned, "That wonderful voice of yours is music to my ears..."
"S-stop it! Hey! Get rid of this strange mare this instant!"
Ha. So you think that I'm just gonna listen to a rebellious badly-made OC that I literally made as a joke?
"No." Butter Knife deadpanned.
Exactly.
"Butter Knife, is it? What a wonderful name. It rolls off my tongue like day-old, half-chewed tootsie rolls, yet at the same time pierces my very heart at the melody of its syllables meshing together like clockwork."
"What."
"Huzzah, another beautiful utterance of my beloved Butter Knife!"
Well, Butter Knife, I'm gonna go off for now. Have fun with your new friend!
"Instant regret?" Ego Boost chimed, glancing up from Butter Knife's leg, "Ooh! Is that like instant ramen?! I LOVE INSTANT RAMEN!"
Buttery Stab-Stab groaned, facehoofing at her parter's antics.
"SHE'S NOT MY PARTNER."
Says who? You? Ha. Says the one who made a conscious decision to sing, (albeit rather horribly), to Ego Boost. I'd have to say that you two would make a great duet if you sung together.
"No. Just... no."
>:^)
"Did... you... just--"
Yup. I just emoticon-ed y'all.
Butter Knife rolled her eyes. "Fine, fine. Though, it really doesn't help the fact that we're trapped in this unending existence with the sole purpose of entertaining others."
Hey, Oily, listen up. Remember how I said you can shapeshift into anything?
Butter Knife gasped, and enveloped herself in a shell of VantaBlackTM. Why? Because it's the color of her soul, of course. Ego Boost eagerly awaited beside the vaguely egg-shaped obelisk.
"Would you not, please?"
Not what?
"Don't narrate me at this moment, alright?"
Hmf. Fine then, Frowny.
"There. Now you can."
Just as abruptly as it happened, Butter Knife proceeded to burst from the VantaBlackTM shell, covered in chalk dust and rainbows.
"WAIT FREAKIN' WHAT?!"
There was a second part to the shapeshifting, dontcha know? You can shapeshift as long as it's cute. Also, what even were you aiming for?
"Grr."
Ah, so you wanna be a doggo again? THREE-TWO-ONE-AAAAAAND BOO-
"NO. STOP IT. GET SOME HELP."
Nah.
"AAAAAAAAAAARGH!"
Butter Knife proceeded to turn into the world's most adorable pirate, complete with her trusty sidekick Ego Boost the pony-turned-parrot perching on her shoulder.
At the same time, the sound of the Ultimate Facehoof echoed across the world.
SlickStab the Fearsome patrolled the waters like none other, her trusty parrot, Goea Oostba, perching steadily on her shoulder.
Oh? What is this, some sort of weird roleplaying?
Nope. This is me narrating you. Also, I see that you've discovered how to bold the text. Or was it that I finally realized that it got overly confusing to tell if you were actually talking to somebody else or myself? Or is it that I'm just rambling at this point and focusing more on vomiting words onto a page and not actually going back to read what I'm typing? Either way--
Freakin' stop it, will you? I'm trying to pirate here.
Heh. You're liking it then?
Yes... the dark, tattered robes of a once-famed sailor wrap about my body, the reek of death seeps from the saline waters below, and my favorite part about it? This ship. This ship of mine that you have gifted upon me I shall treasure as my prized possession, its sleek, dark paint symbolic of the color of my soul, and-- WHY THE HECK IS IT SUDDENLY MADE OF CHOCOLATE?!
You're a parrot now! Why? Because I decided that you should be the parrot this time, while Ego Boost here will be the pirate!
"What."
Yup.
"No, no. I mean, you seriously use that... that creep's actual name every time, yet you hardly ever use mine!"
Whatever, Sweethearts. Or would it be Saltyhearts? You seem quite salty at the moment, but it could be from a variety of reasons, one chiefly being the saline seawater, another being the fact that Ego Boost is waving crackers in your face, third would probably be--
"Shut up."
Now now, Edgelord-in-training, no need to be hasty. Not when you've got the fantastical view of the great ocean seasca-- oh. you turned into a Kraken. How adorable.
"I-it's not like I'm trying to be cute!"
Ha. Says you. Go play with Ego Boost for a bit and I'll narrate ya, alright?
"No. That mare is gonna stay on the complete opposite end of the ship from me. Ya hear?"
AnD jUST liKe tHAt, EgO BoOSt sudDENlY APpeaRES beFoRE ButTERknIFe!
"You spite me, Mister Narrator."
That's Sir Grandoise Majestical Eternally Greatful (and Humble) Mister Narrator, to you. Get it right.
"Ugh."
At this moment, Butter Knife failed to realize what was happening until after getting an entire box of crackers crammed into her Kraken mouth. Like, a shipping container kind of box. Because Kraken. And ships. And pirate lore. And the big blue ocean. And the--
"WOULF YOU SHTAHP ISH ALREADY?!" Stabby the Kraken growled, her mouth still filled with the bulk of an entire shipping container.
Come to think of it, how did Ego Boost manage to lift and stuff a shipping container's worth of crackers into a Kraken's mouth? Maybe I accidentally made her super-swole or something.
"SPINACH!"
Excuse me. What were you saying, Ego Boost?
"I'm Popeye because Popeye is strong!"
Okay, Ego Boost. You do that.
"Wh-what?!" The resident Kraken stammered, spitting the slimy shipping container out at speeds rivaling SpaceX rocket launches, "You're just going to let her do that?!"
"Geez." Butter Knife groaned, laying back on a beach chair, "It's been a while since I've gotten the chance to lay back a bit." A few moments passed, interrupted only by Ego Boost's excessive snoring that served only to glorify Butter Knife's silent slumber. Frowning, the mare tore the heart locket from her neck, its chain dangling free in the salty breeze.
Dang locket... Butter Knife fumed, staring at the bright pink heart-on-a-chain Did the narrator really think that it was necessary to seal my soul inside such a device?
Actually, that locket's only there because you secretly have an underlying emotional connection to it. Don't worry, your soul is as safe as a stick in a burnt-down forest. What I mean is, your soul is still in your body.
Butter Knife raised a brow. "Nevermind my soul," She began, staring back towards the locket, "what are you even talking about? I have absolutely no emotional connection to this piece of garbage."
Now now, Blabber Blubber, let's not get ahead of ourselves. It isn't wise to label others as we label ourselves.
"ARE YOU CALLING ME GARBAGE?!"
Why yes, Butter Knife. I am.
"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--"
Before the mare's REEEE-ing could complete, the locket popped open rather unceremoniously.
"It's..." Butter Knife stammered, "It's... pictures of all five of my dead biological parents?!"
Yup. Remember that gag joke from all the way back in the first chapter? Yup, I brought it back. Also, you might wanna take a look at the top of the thing, right next to where the chain connects to the locket.
"Hey, what does this button do?"
And just like that, with a press of a button, Not-So-Sentimental Slasher's heart locket of parental memories became a fierce, dark dagger infused with the power of the very souls of the aforementioned five slain biological parents.
"Cool!" Butter Knife exclaimed, turning towards the slumbering form of Ego Boost, a sinister smile plastered across her face as she raised the blade of the glowing dagger.
WAIT. TUT, TUT, TUT Butter Knife. You mustn't use this blade with malice, for you would draw the wrath of not only your five deceased parents, but your long-passed ancestors that I really never thought about until this sentence was written.
"Darnit." The dark alicorn pouted, dropping her dagger as she immediately lost the chance to slay her greatest annoyance. Unfortunately for her, the dagger somehow managed to miss the ground, and embed itself in a nearby pitcher of lemonade, complete with a loud slurp-ing sound as the dagger thirstily drank the refreshment. Because that's definitely how a soul-infused, moderately-possessed living dark dagger acts.
"Just shut up, will you?" Butter Knife complained, blowing a raspberry towards the sky.
There was once a great prophecy, one that foretold the coming of the ultimate social network... one that would tie together the fates of not one, not two, but three sites.
These sites, being Youtube, Twitter, and Facebook, each merged with each other in that exact order. Eventually, they would come together to form the juggernaut that was now known as YouTwitFace. Alternatively, dropping the odd capitalization, they were also known as You-twit-face. Or Youtwitface. Or xXx-Y0utw1tf4c3-xXx. Either way, they were an odd conglomerate.
Taking this into account... well...
"WOULD YOU THREE STOP BUGGING ME?!" Butter Knife screeched, holding off Ego Boost by the face with one hoof as she stood on a hind leg, LawnPo the Fearsome God of Thunder circling underneath as the mare teetered on a stool.
Oh? Who's the third one?
"You."
Aw, you don't have to call me out like that, Flex.
"Who are you calling Flex?"
You.
"..."
Don't mind me while I post a pic of you three playing to my YouTwitFace page.
"Ego..." Butter Knife groaned, stumbling into the beachside hut that doubled as a secret entrance to a vast underground lair where the mare ruled with an iron hoof over the population of Zubats, "What are you doing?"
Ego shrugged, letting out a relaxed sigh as LawnPo continued stroking her back. By running her over constantly.
Wait a sec...
BUTTER KNIFE! TELL LAWNPO TO STOP STROKING YOUR EGO FOR A MOMENT!
Annoyed Flubber rolled her eyes. "Do I have to? And besides, she's pretty annoying to have around so often, y'know?"
Just do it, Dubber Butter.
Butter Knife facehoofed, and cantered towards LawnPo, who at the moment was happily rumbling along as it began its work on Ego Boost's manecut. Grabbing LawnPo by the handle, Butter grunted as she struggled to pull the heavy abomination from the back of Ego.
"C'mon... you... fatso..."
With another heave, LawnPo proceeded to be flung across the room, crashing through the wall opposite to Butters and Ego and landing face-first in the warm sand outside.
Now then. That was a bit overdoing it. I just wanted you to get LawnPo off of Ego's back, but I guess property damage is fine as well. It's not like I'm paying for your extended-stay beachside vacation hut.
"Humpf."
Aww, don't be a grump. Now then, are you ready for a dance party?
"No."
"Yas!" Ego Boost cheered, flinging herself over Butter Knife's back, "ALL THE YAS!"
Butter Knife's eyes widened as a small toaster with flaming bread came shooting from the sky at sonic speeds, firmly embedding itself in the sand beside the vacation house. The mare cautiously neared the fiery crater, only to find LawnPo already there, sniffing at the fire bread. Of course, the bread was of the extra-spicy variety... and doused with jet fuel, because rockets definitely run on jet fuel.
Opening its deformed mouth to take a bite, LawnPo proceeded to be met with a facefull of soot and flames as the bread, which doubled as the rocket toaster's main engines, fired off, sending the toaster soaring back into the air.
"Ooh!" Ego Boost screamed at the top of the lungs, "THAT ORANGE FLAME COMPLIMENTS YOUR SILVERY CHASSIS SO WELL, FLYING TOASTER!"
Alrighty there, Ego Boost. There's no need to boost the ego of a non-sentient rocket toaster.
"Okay! Hey Buttery, my lovey dovey waifu!"
Butter Knife shuddered. "Don't... you... dare call me that again..." She growled.
"I'm hungry." LawnPo deadpanned with its obviously mechanical-in-nature ping voice.
ROCKET TOASTER EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
The sky lit up as hundreds upon thousands of rocket toasters descended upon the trio. In an equally dramatic burst of lightning, LawnPo proceeded to strike each and every one down at once, before turning to happily munch on the flaming bread propellant of a nearby fallen rocket toaster.
"Wh-what?! Oh I'm telling you, when I get my hooves on th--"
You know better than to use masking tape. You gotta use toilet paper! After all, it's the staple of pop-culture mummies. Don't you wanna be relevant to pop culture?
Hey, Butter Knife. Enjoying the pool that Anon just conveniently happens to have?
"What do you want?" Lobster Seasoning growled, lifting her sunglasses, "Leave me alone."
Nah, I'm just here to tell you that Ego Boost is behind you.
"LOOK BUTTER KNIFE I BUILT I GIANT CRUISE SHIP FOR THE TWO OF US AND NOW WE CAN PRETEND WE'RE ON THE TITANIC OR SOMETHING EXCEPT JACK DOESN'T DIE THIS TIME AND--"
"Nope." Butter Knife deadpanned, stuffing a hoof in Ego Boost's mouth as she laid back on her pool tube. "Shut up, Ego. Not now."
"BUT SHIPS!"
A tiny foghorn sounded behind Butter Knife, who only groaned in return.
"LOOK AT THIS TINY SHIP. IT'S GOT TINY DOLLS OF BOTH OF US HUGGING ON IT!"
Butter Knife slammed a hoof down on the tiny ship, sinking thing.
"Aww, our ship..." Ego Boost whined, "Why did you do that?"
Black-and-red-eye-stabber said nothing, opting instead to continue reclining silently on her neon-pink duck floatie.
"HEY LOOK MY LOVE, I GOT US AMAZON PRIME!" Ego Boost yelled, pulling a random box from the water, "NOW WE GET FREE SHIPPING ON OUR PACKAGES!"
Butter Knife raised a brow, her sunglasses so dark (like her soul) that she was physically blind when wearing them. As such, her brow-raising moment resulted in her being unaware of the fact that she was contained within the random box that Ego Boost had pulled from the water.
"BUTTER KNIFE YOU'RE MAH PRESENT NOW GET OUTTA THIS BOX SO I CAN SNUGGLE YOU."
Butter Knife raised her glasses, glaring out of the water-soaked box at Ego Boost before lighting her horn and teleporting away, neon-pink duck floatie and all.
"Psh. You thought I was serious? Stupid little mortal. In reading this very story you have already surrendered your sanity..."
Butter Knife...
"I am the shadows that lurk along your wall in the dead of night, I am the dark cellar that creaks open before your eyes, I am--"
Batman. Yeah, yeah. We get it, Greasy Blades.
"WOULD YOU STOP INTERRUPTING MY MONOLOGUE?!"
No.
"WELL GET OUT. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!"
Yeah, I totally don't understand you. It's not like I was the one that made you, y'know. Anyways, Ego Boost wants to play. Anon's out with LawnPo doing some random crap.
"Oh God, not that mare again."
What, you callin' me a god? Nah, I'm just some guy with boredom issues.
Butter Knife scoffed at the new golden-white alicorn that descended from the parted clouds of the heavens high above. "Who are you?" She deadpanned, watching as life sprung up around the alicorn's hooves.
"I am... Alicron." The pony boomed, summoning flashes of lightning from its deep, dank eyes. "I control all of the times."
"So..." Crackfic Content groaned, "You're saying that you're always in control. Like, you control all the time."
"Ya." Alicron boomed again, "I control all of the time."
"And what is that then?"
"Time." Alicron grumbled, lifting up her dangling clock chain necklace in her sparkling golden aura.
"And what are you going to do with all this ti--"
Alicron rolled its eyes and flew off, leaving a time-frozen Butter Knife perpetually stuck mid-sentence.
"So." Butter Knife deadpanned to Nobody in Particular, "Hunting. What are we hunting for?"
Nobody in Particular flashed a grin as it crammed a Bullet Bill into a cannon.
"AY!"
"AY!"
Butter Knife turned just in time to be met in a head-on collision with Ego Boost, Alicron, and Anon all stacked on top of LawnPo, who was now decked out with rockets and other fast crap.
"I said watch out!" Anon screamed, disentangling himself from the tangle of limbs. "What are you doing out here in the middle of the forest?!" He turned to face Nobody in Particular. "And who's this douche?!"
"Oh, just Nobody in Particular." McStabbykinz shrugged. "We were going hunting."
"Hunting for the what?" Alicron licked its lips hungrily as Ego Boost fawned over the shimmering golden aura that the Alicorn of Time emitted.
Ragdoll Blades shrugged again. "Beats me. All I know is that Nobody in Particular here wants to go hunting for something."
Alicron's stomach grumbled as it stared into the depths of the forest. "Ah." It began, "Ah'd certainly liek to have sommadat sweet, sweet game for the dinner."
Nobody in Particular turned their attention to the alicorn. "Eh?" They stuffed another Bullet Bill into the cannon. "Nah, we aren't going hunting for game. We're going..."
Everybody leaned in closer to Nobody in Particular.
"HOUSE HUNTING!"
Meanwhile, the author faceplanted in their realization that they never once talked to Butter Knife for the past couple chapters.
Alright, who decided it was a good idea for Microsoft, Apple, and Google to merge into a single megacorporation to face off against YouTwitFace on the market?
"Holy crap, where's that voice coming from?" Anon mused, looking up from mowing the lawn with LawnPo.
"Eh." Miss Stabby-Stab shrugged. "Ignore the guy. He'll only annoy you."
Butter Knife proceeded to be smacked in the face by a stray tennis racket launched via Ego Boost's Alicron-mounted mini-trebuchet.
"HEY!"
But seriously. MicrAppGoo? Sounds like my crap goo, if you ask me. Are they trying to one-up YouTwitFace or something?
"Mister Narrator." Butter Knife deadpanned as she did an interwebz, "Youtube is owned by Google."
'Dunno 'bout you, Angst Sandwich, but this is my story universe, and so YouTwitFace and MicrAppGoo are competitors.
"You just admitted to being the one who decided it was a good idea for those three companies to merge."
Well, darnit.
Butter Knife pulled out a MicrAppGoo iLumiPixelPhone and started watching edgy meme videos. Because that's what all edgelords do... right?
Stabby Stick whipped around to find herself face-to-face with a chubby earth pony colt, of whom donned a Dorito bag as a hat. "What do you want." She deadpanned, turning back to focus on watching the carnage of an enraged Alicron chasing Anon after the alicorn's lawn was mowed just .0000000167 seconds too late. All the while Ego Boost continued to fawn over the pimped-out Alicorn of Time.
The chubby pony bowed, tipping the crusty Dorito bag as he ignored the crumbs that tumbled out. "I only wish to teach myself the ways of your culture, ma'am."
Butter Knife snorted. "Well, you're ma'am up the wrong pony. Go bother Ego Boost or something. Heck, take on LawnPo for all I care."
The colt shook his head. "Neigh," he neighed, "The ones you call Ego Boost and LawnPo are lesser beings. You, however, are the epitome of grace and existence. Your horny top-hat brings great joy to my eyes, as do the silver and gold that you don atop your red-and-black coat."
Dead Parents raised a brow.
"I am greatly sorrowed if I may have offended you, Great Pony of Edge," The colt bowed again, "For I have entirely forgotten to introduce myself. I am the Pony of Culture, as you can already tell by my magnificent hat. Though, you may call me Bob. I come from--"
"You do realize that your hat is a crusty bag of Doritos, right?"
Bob gasped. "Do not insult the Pony of Culture's great culture!"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just don't tempt me to stab you or anything if you stick around."
The Pony of Culture's eyes lit up. "Why yes, I won't forget such wise words! Um... may I call you senpai?"
Oh hey, Butter Knife. Enjoying your final moments?
Snark Stuff frowned, pulling off her sunglasses. "F... final moments?"
Well, considering how your world is about to go boom and all, I figured that I'd might as well group y'all together so you'd have some peace and company.
"Butter Knife..." Ego Boost whispered, appearing beside the mare, "Look up at the sky... It's amazing, isn't it?"
Butter Knife remained silent.
"JUST LIKE YOUR FACE, BUTTERY! IT'S SO GLAAAAAAAAAMOUROUS!"
Butter Knife facehoofed.
Anyways, Anon already left the story universe, and Alicron kinda got absorbed into time itself. As for LawnPo, they pretty much just ascended to godhood.
"What about the Pony of Culture?" Stabby-Stabberkins mused, putting her sunglasses back on and shoving Ego Boost aside.
Oh, that guy? I shoved the poor sap back through the portal that he came through. He was crying into his Dorito bag.
