Equestria has a new problem - that is, they have to deal with yet another human, and this one's been bestowed with godlike powers that don't even work properly. That, and amnesia. Probably not a good combination.
In a world where ponies and humans coexist in what can hardly be classified as harmony, Canterlot's daily regime is interrupted when one of these controversial creatures falls out of the sky and, to his surprise, doesn't die. This man seems to be the same as the rest, and calls himself "George Trestale". However, through a complete accident, George discovers he's developed magical abilities far beyond anything he could imagine. Unfortunately for him, almost none of them work correctly, and on top of that, he has no idea who he is or where he came from.
Thinking himself to be a god, and wanted by Celestia on the sole pretense of being human, our main character is tasked with running from the authorities, finding out what sort of power he's supposed to have, and most importantly, discovering who on earth he even is. Such begins the story of George Trestale, the unluckiest "god" in Equestria.
Rated Teen for some violence and language.
~ Edit From the Future! ~ This was my first remotely successful story, and as a result it's not exactly all that good, nor is it representative of my current writing ability. You can of course read it if you want, just expect things to be somewhat sloppily executed.
Have you ever seen clouds from the top? Perhaps from flying in an airplane, or doing some particularly intensive mountain climbing? Well, I have to tell you, it's a pretty sight. Of course, as luck would have it, I didn't find this out from either of those scenarios. As much as I'd like to say I did, I instead found it out by falling from the sky.
I'll admit, seeing the ground rushing towards me like that didn't quite strike me with fear at first. More just confusion, really. If there was anything I'd be thankful for, it's that I was falling from high enough up that I somehow managed to go through all five stages of grief before I was united with the dirt. What are they, again? Denial, anger...
I'm getting distracted. The general idea is, I was falling. Fast. And then I hit the ground, just like that. Face-down, on my stomach, one leg sticking up in the air like a gymnast who had just failed a stunt. And I felt every little agonizing aspect of it. So, as you might expect, I wasn't in the best of moods at the time. In fact, my first words after hitting the ground went like this.
"Uuuuugh... fuff." I tried to curse the earth that had just rearranged my face, but said face being shoved into the ground along with me having next to no remaining teeth kinda put a downer on that. After a short time of contemplating my situation, I eventually elected to try and get up. However, I stopped on account of the realization that I was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life.
The pain rendering me entirely immobile, I was stuck there screaming for about five seconds while my insides repaired themselves of the immense amounts of damage that had been caused. Looking back on it now, it wasn't quite as bad as I had thought, but at the time I had absolutely no idea what in god's name was going on inside me, so you're gonna have to forgive me if I overreacted a bit.
After that little episode finally ended, my main expectation was that my consciousness would slip away until I just didn't feel anything anymore. Perhaps I'd meet a talking skeleton letting me know which region of the afterlife I'd be admitted into.
So, is this heaven? Or maybe hell? God, I hope it's the former. In the middle of my contemplating the existence of an afterlife, I felt a slight nudge on the side of my head.
Alright, time to see what's up. I slowly lifted my head off the ground, or rather, out of it.
Okay, that's a mass of multicolored blur if I've ever seen one. Looking directly under my face, there was a pair of glasses lying on the ground. They were pretty bent out of shape, with one lens cracked and a nosepiece missing. I suppose those are mine, then. I put them on after straightening them out a bit, and slowly got up, still aching in pretty much every part of my body.
Let's just say that what I saw when I got up wasn't even close to what I expected. Not to say I had any idea what to expect, but I had the lingering feeling that it wasn't this. All around me were a collection of... horses, I guess, of various colors.
Oh, wait, I thought. These are ponies, aren't they?
Alright, that's good, I have a bit of a grip on the situation. What is it ponies do, again? They can talk, right? I think I know that much. I guess I should probably say something, try to garner some kind of reaction.
I cleared my throat for a moment, then said the first thing that popped into my mind. "Okay, what the hell is going on here?"
That one sentence seemed to get a bit of reaction from the crowd, some giving me rather weird looks. One smaller horse asked another what "hell" meant, promptly followed by a shush from the other. It was at this point that I decided I should probably do something in hopes that I could, you know, act normal. So, I stood up, brushed myself off, and introduced myself.
"No response, huh? Alright, well, maybe I should introduce myself. My name is..."
Finally, it hit me like a train on rollerskates. I didn't know my name. For that matter, I didn't seem to know anything regarding myself. Hell, now that I think about it, where even was I before this? What was I doing? Why am I dressed in a suit and tie?
This is confusing, to say the least, but I need to stay calm. Just go with the flow. The show must go on, and all that jazz. In a hurry, I quickly came up with a name to introduce myself with.
"My name is... uh, let's go with, say, George, and as for the last name, let's say, Test, no, Tes... no, Tres... tale." Clearly, my quick name-making skills are unmatched. "Yeah, my name's George Trestale, and I come in peace! Probably! You guys know what that phrase means, right?" No response came, just silence.
"Anyone? Are you telling me none of you have ever heard that phrase before?" By this point I had ran out of things to say, and they were still just staring at me.
"Do any of you even understand what I'm saying?"
Now, that seems like a pretty simple question, right? A simple, easy to answer question that any one of those guys could have easily responded to. But no, no, they had to make things as difficult as possible. See, after asking this question, the crowd of ponies, rather than answering, simply started backing away.
"Hey, hold on! I just want to know where I am!" That caused a few to run away. Still not a single actual word in reply.
"Alright, fine. I'll figure this out myself."
Looking at my surroundings, the first thing that caught my eye was the me-shaped crater where I was standing. So that's what that feels like. I feel bad for a lot of cartoon characters now.
Oh, there it is! Something else I know about! Cartoons! They have those in newspapers and such.
Out of all the scenery that surrounded me, the main background element that caught my attention the most was the huge castle in the distance. I'd wager that if there was anywhere I was going to get some answers regarding where I am, it's there.
I'd also wager that I'm not going to get anywhere standing in this spot. So, I started towards the castle. Immediately upon doing so, the crowd of equines shifted to the sides forming a clear path between them. Works for me.
If anything, it was a remarkably nice walk to the castle. I learned all sorts of things about this town, the most intriguing perhaps being that this town was literally jutting out of the side of a mountain. What a strange architectural choice. But, of course, I wasn't really in a position to question them, not knowing where I was and all. I passed by quite a few ponies, attracting quite a few stares. One of them flew over my head towards the castle, for whatever reason.
Along the way, my mind drifted back to my memory loss. What exactly did I remember? I took a look around the place. I realized that I had recognized the concepts of horses and castles, so I at least had some knowledge of basic world concepts. Talking ponies, unicorns and pegasi... Yeah, seems to be pretty normal stuff to me. I just didn't seem to remember anything about, well, me. I'm not a pony, I knew that much. I... What even am I?
I looked down at my hands for a moment. Hands... Oh! Right. I'm a human. A person. Alright, we're getting somewhere. Now, why was I the only human in a land of ponies? Were there more humans anywhere? Judging from their reactions, probably not around this area, at least. Let's see, I have a full understanding of Ponish, and... there it is again. I know this language is called Ponish. Is my amnesia simply restricted to memories pertaining to myself?
About thirty minutes of pondering had passed by the time the castle's front doors came into view. From this point, several things happened. The first thing was the two guards in front of the castle spotting me. Not a huge problem, I figured, until they both started running straight towards me. With big sharp pointy sticks. That's a slightly bigger problem.
Being the coward I am, I promptly braced myself for impact, only to find myself lifted off the ground. I opened my eyes to see myself encased in... a purple bubble, I guess? I looked down to see what was going on, and what I saw only left me with more questions than I had before. Why is there a purple unicorn here? With wings? Er, rather, an alicorn? Why did those guards just suddenly stop? Why am I in a magic bubble? Should I ask them any of these questions? For god's sake, do any of them even speak Ponish?!
Wait, yeah, they do. They're ponies. Ponish. I get it.
"It's alright, I've got him," said the alicorn, giving me a rather suspicious look.
"Princess Sparkle, with all due respect, this is a human! We must take him into custody!"
"That's fine," said this 'Princess Sparkle'. "I'll bring him to Princess Celestia personally." Princess Sparkle? I think my ears are oozing with bubblegum. Why is that a name?
"V-Very well, Princess." The two guards stepped aside, still eyeing me with some form of unease.
It was a surprisingly long walk inside the castle. Evidently, castles are big. I'm pretty sure I knew that already, though. What caught more of my attention was that I didn't know who this "Princess Sparkle" was. She's a princess, right? If I'm part of this land, I should probably know who its rulers are.
After a while of walking down some long-ass hallway, I was starting to get fairly bored with being pulled along with no control over my position spatially. So, as this "Princess Sparkle" walked, I figured I'd do the best thing possible in this situation. Make small talk.
"So... you're a princess?" I asked, attempting to look at her with the weird angle I was floating in.
"Yes. I'm bringing you to Princess Celestia to see what she can do about you."
"So there's two princesses, huh? Three? Maybe four?"
The unicorn sighed with some clear annoyance in her voice. "Yes, actually. As of now there are four Equestrian princesses: Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Cadence, and me, Princess Twilight Sparkle."
Yep, that confirms it. I don't know a single of these names. That gives me two possibilities. Either I'm from some other region, or my amnesia is just really selective. Hell, it could be both. I don't know.
"Well, that's neat. See, we're already getting to know each other well. I'm George Trestale. Tentative title, but whatever. Nice to meet you, Twilight."
"I'd like to say it's nice to meet you, too, George, but, you being a human, I quite frankly don't know what to think of you just yet."
So I'm not the only one. That's good to know, at least. "Well, me being a human doesn't make me a bad person, does it?"
"Of course not, but given that you were just wandering around Canterlot, a place where you aren't really allowed to be, you'll have to forgive me if I'm being too cautious."
"Alright, alright, I guess that's fair enough. So, we're going to see this 'Celestia', huh?"
"Yes. I'd appreciate it if you would refer to Princess Celestia by her proper title, by the way."
"Oh, well, that's a shame. So, anyway, Twilight, what's the current situation here? What did I do to get stuck in this bubble thing?"
"You do know humans aren't allowed in Equestria, right?"
Humans not allowed here? Why the hell am I here, then? "Is that a fact? I actually had no idea. Sorry, I'm having some issues remembering... a lot of things at the moment."
"Memory problems?"
"Yeah. Aside from falling out of the sky, and everything that happened after that, I'm drawing a complete blank."
Twilight stared at me for a good few seconds, then continued looking forward. "If you're telling the truth... Well, good luck with explaining that."
I wanted to give some sort of snarky reply to this, but given my situation, I ultimately decided against it. I didn't bother to say another word until we got to the throne room.
Perhaps that wasn't the best thing to say when we entered the throne room, as I was promptly met with a shush from Twilight.
After trying to muster up the most convincing annoyed look I could, I heard a voice that can only be described as something along the lines of a personification of angel food cake.
"Twilight Sparkle. I see you captured the human."
I looked to the source of the voice, only to meet with another alicorn. So this is "Princess Celestia". Somehow, I'm not surprised in the least by her appearance. At least that name isn't as saccharine-sounding as "Sparkle". She was noticeably taller than the others, her height giving a clear sense of power, and more importantly, intimidation. Her fur was quite possibly the purest white I could ever remember seeing, as if this pony was the single representation of everything good in the world. That goes for double with that rainbow mane that seems to defy all laws of physics. I mean, seriously, it's flowing in the wind, yet this is a castle. We're indoors. There isn't any wind. I've gotta say, that's impressive.
The look she was giving me, however, was not one I enjoyed being looked at with. It wasn't a look of scorn, or hostility, mind you, but more something of a careful curiosity. Still, I get the vibe that if this Princess is a representation of good, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be something she considers bad.
"Yep. He was about to get impaled by the guards when I got ahold of him." Twilight looked so proud of herself. "I figured you would want him captured as fast as possible."
"Yes, thank you, Twilight. Please, put him down."
The bubble surrounding me vanished, only for me to fall onto my back with a loud thud.
"Agh... jeez, you couldn't have done that any gentler?" I slowly got up to my feet to see Twilight, who, wouldn't you believe it, was actually smiling a bit. Yeah, laugh at my pain, why don't you?
"Whoops, sorry," she said, going back to trying to keep a serious demeanor.
"Twilight, if you don't mind, I would like to speak with the human in private," said Celestia, who had started eyeing me a bit more intently for some reason I couldn't imagine.
"Alright, Princess." Twilight turned, gave me one last look, and left.
So I was now alone in the throne room with the ruler of this whole land and a few guards. The idea that I was nervous goes without saying, but what I was more concerned about was the way she was staring at me. It was in a way that seemed gentle, yet still forceful at the same time. Mostly a look of concern, perhaps some confusion sprinkled in there. Or maybe it's a look of sadness?
Apparently, I'm not good at reading facial expressions. Look, the overall fact of the matter is, it was making me fairly uncomfortable. Thankfully, after a short moment, she broke the silence between us.
"Step forward, human." I obliged as carefully as I could.
"I have two questions to ask of you. First, what is your name? And second, why have you come here? If you can answer these, I can consider sparing you any form of imprisonment."
Oh. Come on now, really? Is this the direction this is going in? How the hell do I even answer that? You know as well as I do that I've got no idea why I'm here. Hell, I don't even know why I exist. Though, I could say that I feel like not existing right now. At any rate, I needed to say something. This is a princess, and princesses usually have dungeons of some sort at their disposal. I'd rather not get acquainted with them.
"Well, uh, as for the first thing you asked, I'm not entirely sure. I'm sorta just going by George right now. And as for the other question, well, I don't know that one either."
Her expression grew more concerned. "You mean to say you do not know why you are here?"
"Not really. I mean, in all honesty, this entire day has been confusing for me. You're a unicorn with wings, for god's sake. A completely different species from me. How am I even supposed to take that?"
"Human- or rather, George, I will not accept an attempt at dodging the question. You do know that humans are currently barred from entering Equestria, correct?" Okay, intimidation factor rising exponentially.
"W-Well, yeah, but I only found that out once that Twilight pony told me about it." Sweat pouring out of every orifice. This is not looking good. "I'm sorry, Princess, but I've really got no idea what the hell is going on. I just want to figure out why I fell out of the sky." I ended this with a hand gesture that just so happened to end with one of my fingers pointing at a window just to the left of Celestia. Now, that's just a hand gesture, right? Not too dangerous or anything. Thing is, when I did this, I inadvertently launched a ball of fire from my finger that narrowly missed Celestia and shattered said window.
...Wait, what the hell did I just write? A ball of fire? No, something's not right here. I can't do that, can I? I squinted through my cracked lens - yep - that window is gone.
My view drifted over to my index finger. There was a thin smoke trail emanating from it. In pure astonishment, I looked up just in time to witness a shocked expression on Celestia's face, coupled with a multitude of guards rushing at me seemingly out of nowhere.
This is an unfortunate predicament, isn't it?
Fortunately for me, It was at that point that I suddenly remembered something. I'm invincible, right? How else could I have survived that fall?
That was probably a huge conclusion to jump to, but I didn't really have the time to think about that. My mind being overloaded with pure, unbridled confidence, I put my hands at my hips and stood there, ready for anything...
And then I fell over backwards, wrapped in an amalgamation of various ropes and chains. I looked up just in time to see a green aura fade away from Celestia's horn, me now surrounded by a good few of her guards. Okay, maybe I was a bit overconfident. Maybe a lot.
"Alright, you make a good point! But I stand by my statement that I have no idea what is going on!" I probably wasn't helping my case here, but after the fireball, I feel like I was screwed anyway.
"George, you are going to be imprisoned for questioning. I advise you to come peacefully."
"Do I really have a choice?! The only part of me I can move is my mouth, for god's sake!"
She responded by adding a few more ropes that covered said mouth. What an absolutely lovely day.
I've never been to prison before. Well, maybe I have, I don't know. I'd scratch it off my bucket list, but I doubt I ever had it on there on account of how truly unenjoyable it is. And yet here I am. And, if anything, this version is even more stereotypically dreary than I imagined. Dark, slightly smelly, a door of iron bars... yes, this is truly the height of luxury. I'm living the dream, baby.
Sarcasm aside, one other thing I learned about prison is my god, it's boring. Nothing to keep me occupied at all in this small cell, accompanied by nothing but a cot and a small excuse for "bathroom facilities". The best I can do is try to make small talk with the guards. Or just annoy them. That works too.
At least I wasn't in those stupid ropes anymore. Celestia, fortunately, didn't see much need for them once I was "safely" in my cell. Ever since I was dragged in here I've been trying to recreate that fireball thing I did. I want to shoot fire, damn it! Escaping would also be welcome, of course, if we're listing things I want here. If I'm lucky, the former event could lead to the latter. But it wasn't happening. Believe me, I tried everything I could. I was snapping my fingers, doing the same hand gesture as before, and even mimicking a lighter with my fingers. To my dismay, nothing was working.
After a while of doing this, a guard made his way up to my cell. "Uh... what exactly are you doing?"
"I, uh, I'm trying to make instant noodles."
"There is no need, human. Food will be provided to you at the routine times."
"Oh, really? Is it horse food? Because I'm not fond of carrots."
"Today's scheduled meal is carrot mush with green bean mush."
Yep, that does it. I need to get out of here. The day I eat one single bite of either of those is the day I die. I looked back at my hands and began snapping my fingers again.
"Come on, damn it," I muttered under my breath. "I need something, I can't stay in this stupid place..."
After a while of snapping my fingers, and observing the confused expression of the guard outside my door, I started seeing sparks.
"Yes! Okay, come on..." I concentrated as hard as I could on my fingers, and after a little more snapping, my hand erupted into flames.
"Alright! Damn, that's cool," I said, admiring the interesting little concept that my hand was... on fire.
Wait a minute, this is painful.
"Holy shit!" I shouted, trying to put the hand flame out. "Water, water! I need water!" Upon saying this, a stream of water promptly sprayed out of my mouth, putting my hand out with an audible sizzle.
"Phew... god damn." After coughing up a bit more water, I looked to my scorched hand. Yeesh, that is charred. I'd say at least medium-well done. Which is a crappy way to cook a steak, by the way.
After admiring my hand for a bit more, I noticed that Celestia was standing outside my cell door, giving me yet another look I can't identify. God, I hate that.
"Er," - I quickly put my scorched hand behind my back - "Hello, what brings you here on this fine day?"
Celestia simply opened the door and stepped inside.
"I am here to begin my questioning of you, of course."
"Oh, that. I actually have some questions too."
"You may ask questions after you answer mine adequately, in a timely manner, and without any balls of fire." I felt my hand stinging.
"Alright then, ask away." I sat down on my cot and struck a "thinking" pose, my hand now reverted to its normal state.
Celestia walked a few feet in front of me. "First, the question I initially asked you: Why have you come here?"
"Oh, this again. Look, I've said it before. I don't know why I'm here. I fell out of the sky for some reason. That's all I know."
Celestia looked to the bars of the cell, and then back to me. "You still choose to tell your story of falling out of the sky?"
"Yes. That's exactly what happened. You can ask any of the ponies that saw it. Or, hell, go ask that crater in the middle of the city that's shaped like me! It'd probably know more about my current situation than I do!" I put my hand on my chest for emphasis, inadvertently lighting my tie on fire. I quickly batted out the flames. "What is with this hand-fire crap? It was cool at first, but at this point it's just annoying!"
Celestia's expression looked something like a combination between tiredness and confusion. "You are not aware of your own magical powers?"
"Magical?" I replied. "This shit is magic?"
"First, I would appreciate it greatly if you used less... vulgar language in my presence."
"Alright, alright, fine." I crossed my arms in an annoyed fashion.
"Second, I would like to say that I want to believe you. You do seem genuinely confused about your situation, and a Pegasus did corroborate your story of falling out of the sky."
"Aha! See, there we go! A witness testimony!"
"However, even if you truly did fall out of the sky, you have still refused to tell me of your true intentions."
"How am I supposed to do that when I happen to have a serious case of amnesia?!"
"You are claiming you lost your memory?"
"Yes, that's right! In fact, I don't remember a single thing from before I fell in the sky. Isn't that just fine and dandy?"
Celestia let out a sigh. "George, I want to help you in any way I can, but I cannot do that unless you give me some more concrete answers. That ball of fire you nearly hit me with certainly doesn't help your situation either."
"I'm sorry, okay? I swear, that was an accident! Like, even if I wanted to do something to you, it's unlikely a simple ball of fire would actually do anything to you, right? I'm just trying to think of this in a logical sense."
"The problem, George, is that our relations with the human race haven't been particularly healthy for a good while. Aside from the attack years ago, we have captured a good few humans in the past who had malicious intentions. On top of that, the appearance of a human with magical abilities is hardly a common occurrence. I hope you can understand me erring on the side of caution."
"I mean, I guess. I- Wait, did you say attack?"
"Yes. Are you not aware of it?"
"No, but honestly I'd rather leave than spend however long here listening to some mysterious matriarch explain it to me."
"I am prepared to let you leave soon enough, but you must give me some time to ascertain who you are and why you are here. In fact, you actually look a bit familiar..."
"Agh, but it, like, stinks and stuff down here! It's all dark and dank and dreary and depressing! I mean, come on, my cell doesn't even have a window!" I quickly stretched my right arm out, my hand pointing at the window-lacking wall. It was at this point that my cell transformed into the sky.
...Wait, no, that can't be right. The sky? I looked down at my feet to find that I was standing on the edge of one of the castle's outer walls. This wall being around 20 feet tall.
Okay. Why? What the hell happened? I looked down again and happened to find out that this side of the wall just completely drops off of Canterlot to the ground that is seemingly several miles below.
"Holy shit!" I almost lost my balance upon seeing this perilous drop-off. How did I even get here?!
After a bit of attempting to keep my balance while figuring out some way of getting off this wall, I heard shouting. Oh boy, more guards. I looked behind me to see a cluster of guards with spears running to my current position. Meh. How are they gonna get me? This wall is way taller than any of they are. I'll admit, I laughed at them a little. Maybe a little name-calling, too. And then a spear rushed past my head.
This spear was promptly followed by several more from the guards. I managed to expertly dodge them, but in the midst of things I, of course, lost my balance, and... well, I fell right off Canterlot. Yeah, I fell off a city. Did I mention just how great this day is going?
Huh. Turns out that when you get past the aspect of upcoming pain, falling off a city that's several miles up is actually pretty fun. It's like skydiving without a parachute. I know under normal circumstances that doesn't sound appealing in the least, but in this instance, I didn't have much of a choice.
So, I was falling. Again. Rather fast, at that. I guess history really does repeat itself. I wasn't exceptionally scared considering I didn't die last time, but I sure as hell wasn't looking forward to the pain that was sure to result from it. So I decided on one main goal: Stop myself from falling.
I quickly started snapping my fingers, trying to will some sort of forcefield or something into existence that would slow me down, but no dice.
"Come on, damn it!" The ground was approaching fast. I needed something, even a slight decrease in momentum would be welcome.
More finger snapping, more concentration. Come on. Eventually, to my immediate relief, I started to see some yellow streaks forming under me.
"Yes! I don't know what that is, but it's something!" I focused all my concentration on fully forming whatever this was in hopes that it would stop me.
Oh jeez, the ground is approaching really fast. I think I have about five seconds at this point.
"Something happen already! Please, goddammit!" Still nothing. I shut my eyes and pushed one final time...
I stopped. Dead. Not in the literal sense, I just stopped. I slowly opened my eyes to see I was mere inches from the ground, the grass just slightly tickling my nose. Even my glasses were just barely hanging on to my face. Jesus, that was close. However, a bigger point of interest was probably the translucent disc of yellow under me.
Unfortunately, as soon as I noticed this, I lost all concentration and it vanished, dropping me right on my face.
I scrambled to my feet and looked back up at Canterlot. It took me a second to fully process everything that had just happened, but I soon got my bearings.
"Ha-HAH!" I shouted, dancing around like an idiot while pointing at the city. "Take that, you royal fuckwads! How ya like me now, huh?!"
~~ Canterlot Castle dungeons, a few minutes earlier ~~
Princess Celestia had heard many stories from humans before. Simple messages, peace offerings, or being exiled, almost all of these humans' reasons for being in Equestria had turned out to be complete lies, their real motive almost always involving theft of some kind. But this human's story was far more unbelievable than the rest. It's almost as if he wasn't even trying to think of something convincing.
Honestly, Celestia had no idea how anyone could possibly convince her they fell out of the sky for no reason. That's not something that's been heard to happen outside of teleportation accidents, and humans never demonstrated the ability to teleport. Until now, that is.
"I mean, come on, my cell doesn't even have a window!" And as he pointed to the wall, George was gone, much to Celestia's surprise. However, she quickly reassured herself. He couldn't have just disappeared, could he?
"George, please disenchant yourself. I will not have you hiding under an invisibility spell." Not getting any form of response, she decided to do it herself. But when she released the disenchantment spell from her horn, to her surprise, nothing happened. And that's when it hit her.
He teleported away. But how? Humans couldn't teleport, could they? Immense study of their magic had gone on for years after the attack, and sure, a select few humans were shown to wield some magic ability, but their power always extended to nothing more than basic elemental magic. A human using teleportation was unheard of.
However, she didn't have the time to consider this. The human could be anywhere at this point. He needed to be found. Celestia ran out of the cell and ordered the guards to form a search party. They obeyed without hesitation, probably because of one too many bad puns from George.
It took some time, but one of the guards eventually returned to Celestia.
"Your Highness! We spotted the human on one of the castle's outer walls!" The guard looked somewhat uneasy.
"Thank you. Were you all able to capture him?"
"N-Not exactly, Princess. You see, he started taunting us, so we started throwing spears in his general direction in an attempt to scare him down, but he..."
"He what?" Celestia began to feel a bit uneasy herself.
"He fell off."
"...Which side?"
"The outer side. He fell off of Canterlot entirely."
This was an immediate shock to Celestia. She almost felt a slight pang of guiltiness, but she quelled it for a moment as what George had said came back to her. If he truly did fall out of the sky, then perhaps he had intended to fall off Canterlot in the first place.
"Continue the search. I will be in my room."
"...With all due respect, Princess-"
"Please, just do it. I need to find out how much it's going to cost to repair that street."
- Back on the ground, a few minutes later -
After finishing up my little celebration, I soon realized that I had no idea where to go from where I was. Since humans didn't exactly seem to be welcomed in this society, I needed to figure out what I was going to do from here on out. I could gone into hiding, but I really don't want to be alone and on the run for the rest of my life. Not an ideal lifestyle. But at the same time, I couldn't exactly waltz into the nearest town and go "Watch the heck out, everyone, I'm a human!". This was going to be a tough one.
My pondering, however, was cut short by the appearance of a blue pegasus, zooming into my vision in seemingly a fraction of a second.
"Hey!" she said, clearly agitated over something. Gee, I wonder what. "What're you doing here?! Humans aren't allowed in Equestria!"
I took a moment to look around, wondering where she came from.
"Uh, yeah, I gathered that much." I admired her rainbow-colored mane. That has to be dyed. "A bit too late to figure that, though, me already being here and such."
She began hovering in front of me, her forelegs crossed. "Yeah, don't try to mess with me. I saw you fall off Canterlot. What were you doing up there?"
I crossed my arms in a similar fashion. "Amnesia. I've got that. So, nothing to say on that subject."
"Yeah, right. Sure." She set herself down on the ground again, and started advancing on me. "Listen, buster. If you start heading right on back to wherever your kingdom is, I won't go telling Celestia you're here. But if I see you around here again, then you're gonna have to answer to both me and her. Got it?"
I considered these words. Okay, not a bad offer. Problem is, I've got no idea where this kingdom she mentioned is. And she doesn't seem to know either. This means that there's no way I can start on my way there. How the hell am I going to resolve this situation?
Wait, I have an idea. It's a bit rash, but it should work.
"That's a fair deal, Miss Rainbow-hair. Unfortunately, I can't be taking you up on that offer right now."
"Seriously? Well, looks like we're doing this the hard way!"
Without warning, she jumped at me in some sort of attempt at a tackle. I stepped off to the side, but was momentarily stunned as her hoof collided with my head, knocking us both to the ground. Alright, time to execute my idea. The both of us standing ourselves upright again, I started trying to bring up some kind of spell that would put her to sleep for long enough for me to escape. I imagined the idea of her falling asleep, and tried to muster some willpower to bring that thought to reality.
I pointed to her dramatically. "Sorry, rainbow-hair, but it's nap time for you!"
She took a step back. "What?! Hey, don't try anything, bucko!"
I moved my outstretched fingers into finger-snapping form. "Hasta-la-vista!"
I snapped my fingers and instantly fell unconscious.
"I suppose you have what I'm looking for, Royal Scientist?"
"Yes, it's right over here."
Voices... I'm hearing voices. Why am I hearing voices?
"Excellent. Is it ready yet?"
"Not quite yet, it needs some more time."
Where the hell am I?
"Really? It looks done to me!"
Oh god, what kind of horrifying experiment could these two be talking about?
"Well, if you want to eat an undercooked burrito, be my guest."
Oh.
"Very well, I will wait... And what of your current project?"
"Ah, I've made quite a bit of progress on that. I'll show you..."
I wanted to continue listening, but my consciousness slipped away quickly... Or, rather, slipped towards me quickly.
~~~
I jolted awake, suddenly aware of my surroundings.
"Eugh... my head." I guess sleeping spells give you a headache, for some reason.
I craned my neck to get a look at my surroundings. Am I in a barn? There was hay surrounding me, the faint smell of fertilizer, and it was dark except for the light let in through one single window at the top.
My first instinct was to try to get up, but that brought me to the realization that my torso and arms were bound in ropes. Very neatly tied ropes, at that.
"Oh come on, this again? Looks like I'll have to use a little Trestale magic." After a bit of snapping my fingers, I managed to light the ropes on fire.
"Alright, come on, burn through." It was at this point that I realized the fire was now not only burning the ropes, but my clothes.
"Oh, god damn it! Water! How do I do the water thing again?!" I managed to point my finger at myself, and promptly unleashed a huge spray of water that increased my wetness factorexponentially. Well, at least the ropes are sufficiently burnt.
"Phew." I ripped through the remaining charred parts of the ropes and got out of them. George Trestale uses his genius to escape his troubles again!
That is, until the door to the barn opened. The bright light blinded me for a second, but soon, into focus came two ponies. One with wings. It took me a second to make out their colors, one blue and the other orange. Aha, so it's rainbow-hair again.
"Applejack!" said rainbow-hair. "He got out of the ropes! Didn't you say you could tie anything up?!"
"Well, it ain't like I ever hogtied a human before, Rainbow! They got all sorts of weird magic he probably used to break out."
Wow, her name's actually Rainbow? My nickname was far more apt than I thought.
"You told me Twilight enchanted those ropes, or something!"
"Well, you told me that spell he done cast on himself would have him out for hours!"
"It was just a guess!"
As the two argued, I couldn't think of anything to do but stand there and wait awkwardly while considering how weird their names were. It went on for a bit long though, so I decided to interject.
"Hey, uh, you two?" Nope, don't think they heard me.
"HEY!" Yeah, that got their attention. "Are you two gonna keep arguing, or are you gonna tell me what's going on?"
Rainbow's expression remained irritated. "Tell you what's going on? That's what we wanna know!"
Applejack followed suit. "Humans ain't allowed in Equestria, y'all know that. So just what were you doin' in Canterlot?"
"Also, how did you survive falling off the castle? Because that was pretty cool." Applejack shot her an annoyed look.
"Great questions. Mind if I hold off on answering them? I have some questions of my own."
"We're askin' the questions here, Mister. Yer the one who's trespassin' on land you ain't supposed to be in."
"And you're the ones who kicked me in the head and tied me up. I'm not answering anything until I finally get some answers myself."
"Well, fine then! We'll just take y'all to the Princess and see what she can do."
God, these ponies are stubborn.
"Fine. You want to know why I'm here? Guess what? I don't know! I literally fell out of the sky into Canterlot and got attacked by royal guards!"
This caught them off guard. The two looked at each other, back to me, and then Applejack spoke.
"Y'all really think we're gonna believe a whopper like that?"
Okay, telling the truth hasn't proven to be a good strategy so far.
"See what I mean? That's why I didn't want to bother talking about it."
"Well, I think we should just bring him back to Princess Celestia," said Rainbow, now hovering in the air with her forelegs crossed. "It's probably illegal to keep a human in your house anyway."
"Well, I mean, technically this isn't a house," I said. I don't think they heard me.
Applejack sighed. "Alright, fine. Let's just head over to Twilight's, and we can have Spike send the Princess a letter. We'll have ta tie him up again, though."
"Wait!" I said. "Isn't there any not-so-conflictual way this can be figured out?!"
"Well, lookee here," said Applejack. "The human wants to keep away from conflict? That's a new one."
Rainbow laughed. "You really think we're gonna let you trick us after you guys attacked Ponyville?"
"Okay, just what in the hell are you ponies talking about? I keep hearing everything about some 'attack' but nobody will explain it to me."
They looked at each other again, and then back to me.
"Mister, uh," Applejack said. "What's your name?"
"Trestale. George Trestale."
"Right... George. Yer tellin' us y'all don't know about the attack?"
"Yeah. I've had it mentioned several times today, but nobody's told me what it is. It's getting annoying."
"Just what else do you not know about Equestria?"
"Well, anything, really. As far as I know, I just got here. I met a couple Princesses and learned that this place is inhabited by ponies, but that's about it."
That seemed to catch them off guard again. Man, this must be some kind of record. The two of them turned away from me and started whispering to each other. Unfortunately for them, they were whispering far too loudly to be covert at all.
"How could a human not know about the attack?" said Rainbow. "It only happened three years ago!"
"Ah dunno, but somethin' sure is fishy here. He seems right clueless, but we can't just take his word for it."
"Maybe we should listen to his story? It's not like anyone will know we have him here."
Applejack thought this over for a second. "Fine." The two ponies turned back to me.
"Alright, George. Listen up. You tell us everythin' that happened before you done knocked yourself out. If we think yer tellin' the truth, we just might let ya go. But if we catch the slightest hint of you lyin'-"
"-You'll be lying in Canterlot's dungeons!" Interjected Rainbow.
"I... That pun... Seriously? Alright, fine. I guess that's fair enough. So, where do I start?"
"...So, what yer tellin' us is that at one point today, y'all just randomly fell out of the sky, met Twilight and Princess Celestia, accidentally blew up a window, got yerself thrown into jail, suddenly appeared outside of the jail fer no reason, got spears thrown at you by guards, and then you fell off Canterlot?"
"Yeah, that's pretty much the gist of it." I crossed my arms, sitting down on the ground.
"What kinda story is that?!" said Rainbow, dumbfounded. "That all sounds like you just made it up on the spot!"
"You know, sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to explain things."
"Don't try to act all innocent!"
Applejack suddenly interjected. "Rainbow, I'm just as doubtful of this guy's fairytale as you are. But we can't jump to conclusions just yet."
She looked to me again. "Are, uh, ya sure that's exactly how everythin' went?"
"It's a very cut-down version, but it's all true."
"So, what about how ya survived falling off Canterlot? That and the sky, for that matter."
"Oh, that. Well, you see, it turns out I'm immortal!" I jumped to my feet and puffed out my chest. "Nothing can kill me, and all injuries heal in a matter of seconds! You have no idea how painful that is, by the way."
This time, the two just laughed.
"Immortal?! Now you're tellin' us you're immortal? That's just plumb crazy!"
Great. Now I need a way of proving myself. Hm, there's a nail lying on the ground... This will probably hurt a lot, but I guess it'll be worth it.
"Oh, really? How ridiculous is this?" I grabbed the nail and held it in the air.
"Hey!" said Rainbow, jumping into the air. "Put that down!"
"No thanks!" I promptly drove the three-inch nail into the side of my head, much to the shock of the two ponies.
I think I really underestimated how painful that would be.
"Aaaaaagh!" I promptly yanked the nail back out, only causing the pain to intensify. Applejack and Rainbow looked a bit sick.
"Holy crap, that hurts like a bitch!" I immediately fell onto the ground and yelled some more for a few seconds, until I felt the hole fuse shut again, and the pain was gone.
"Phew," I said. I got up again, showing them the side of my head. "See? Good as new."
"Woah!" said Rainbow. "That... is so... cool, I think?" Rainbow walked over to look at my head.
"I... don't understand. He was tellin' the truth?" Applejack looked dumbfounded beyond belief.
"Wow, it's like nothing happened to it! Can you do it again?" Rainbow, meanwhile, was clearly very excited.
"Yeah, no." One of these days I need to see if I can also turn off pain.
"So, uh, I guess that settles it, then, more or less," said Applejack. "I gotta say, I'm still kinda skeptical on yer story, but if you've got weird immortality powers like ya say, then I guess that does give ya some credit. Somehow."
"Finally, I've convinced someone of the truth! That's a first for today."
"I'll admit, ya seem like an alright fellow to me, more or less. But, you bein' a human, y'all should probably get back to Anthropia before somepony else finds out yer here."
"An...thropia?" Why does that name want me to stab myself again?
"Anthropia's that human kingdom somewhere outside Equestria," said Rainbow. I kept my blank expression.
"Let me guess," said Applejack. "Y'all have no idea where that place is?"
"Not a clue."
"Well, we can't help ya there. We don't know either. They're awful secretive of where they are."
"So nobody in Equestria knows where they are?"
"Not as far as we know."
"Great. Fantastic. So I'm stuck in a country with an entire race that's out to get me."
"Well, hey, look on the bright side," said Rainbow. She stopped for a second. "There... isn't really a bright side to this, is there?"
"Not even close," I said.
Suddenly, I heard a knock on the barn door. Applejack walked over and peeked outside, then promptly shut the door and looked back to us.
"Oh horseapples, Pinkie Pie's here. George, go hide under somethin', quick!" I had no idea who that was, but I wasn't about to question her. I ran around looking for something to hide under, but Rainbow quickly grabbed a pile of hay and buried me under it.
"Hi, Applejack!" a sickeningly high-pitched voice said.
"Oh, uh... hi, Pinkie. What brings y'all here?"
"My Pinkie Sense told me there was somepony new in Ponyville, and I've been looking around the whole town for him! So, care if I look in your barn real quick?"
"No! Uh, I mean, yes, I do mind... see, we're, uh, doin' renovations. It ain't safe in here, so y'all can't come in. Sorry."
"But I neeeeeeed to! If I can't find them, my tail's gonna twitch my lunch right out of me!"
"I- Uh. Ew. Look, no need ta worry, Pinkie. There ain't no humans in he-" She stopped herself.
"Oh, for tha love of-"
"A HUMAN?!" Pinkie zoomed past Applejack into the barn, somehow instantly knowing where I was. She stopped right in front of me and brushed the hay off, revealing my head.
"Oh. Hi." I couldn't think of much else to say.
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! You and Rainbow made friends with a human?!"
"Er, well, that's not completely-"
"That's GREAT! This is a landmark in Pinkie party history!" Pinkie took a kazoo out of nowhere and blew a celebration tune in my face. "This is the perfect opportunity for my first ever party for a human!"
"P-Party?" I squeaked out.
"Humans can eat cake, right? Oh, of course they can. Who couldn't eat cake? Except if somepony was allergic to it, but that'd be really sad. Anyway, I need to go get ready for my biggest party yet! A human party!" Pinkie zoomed out the door as fast as she had zoomed in.
"Just... what the hell was that?!" I got up out of the hay pile and brushed myself off.
"That's Pinkie Pie, resident party animal," said Rainbow. "Looks like you're her next victim."
"This ain't good," said Applejack. "At least half the town always ends up comin' to Pinkie's parties. She's basically gonna be tellin' the whole darn town that you're here."
"Well, that's simple. I just won't go, then."
"I'm afraid it ain't that simple, George. When Pinkie throws somepony a welcome party, she makes darn sure they come."
"Yeah," said Rainbow. "There's no escaping from a Pinkie Pie party."
"Oh, come on, she's just one pony. How hard could it be to avoid her?"
"Oh, you have no idea," said Rainbow.
"Yer welcome to try and escape, but don't count on her not findin' ya. She'll get ya there one way or another unless you can convince her to hold off on it."
"Actually, that sounds a little scary," I said.
"Speaking from experience here," Rainbow replied. "It is."
"Well, in that case, I'll try and get a head start. I'll be going, then."
"Yeah, good luck. You're gonna need it."
I left the barn and ran off through the apple orchards, towards the nearest mountains. Oh, if only I knew what I was getting myself into.
As I ran through the trees, I began to feel somewhat uneasy. It was as if someone was... watching me? I stopped and looked around. I didn't see anyone. Now tired from running, I started walking at a slower pace. All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie darted in front of me from behind one of the trees.
"GAH!" I shouted, jumping about three feet in the air.
"Hi!" said the very bubblegum-colored pony. "I forgot to ask you, what's your name?"
"Oh. Uh, I'm George. George Trestale."
"Great! Now I know what to put on the banner! 'Welcome to Ponyville, George Trestale the Human'!" She produced a notebook and wrote something on it.
Great, just like Applejack said, she's going to announce to the whole town I was here. I needed to escape fast.
"That's great, Pinkie. Look, I'll see you there. I just gotta run some... errands first."
"Okie-dokie-lokie! Just remember, the party's in half an hour, at Sugarcube Corner!" She ran back behind one of the trees. When I looked behind it, she wasn't there. I questioned my sanity for a brief moment, but continued on.
A little under half an hour later, I was no longer in the apple orchards, but now at the entrance to a large forest. A perfect place to hide. I looked at my wrist to check the time, but then suddenly remembered I don't have a watch. I prepared to enter the forest, but then I felt a tap on my shoulder.
"AGH!" I jumped and did a quick 180 in midair, only to see it was just Pinkie Pie again.
"God, Pinkie, quit doing that!" I clutched my chest, breathing heavily.
"Oh, sorry! I just wanted to let you know your party's about to start! Everypony's already gathered at Sugarcube Corner!"
"Look, Pinkie. I can't come, alright? I'm a human. Those ponies will probably crucify me if I'm seen."
"Oh, you'll be fine! You managed to make friends with Dashie and Applejack, remember?"
"I wouldn't really say we became fr-"
"Come oooon!" She looked up at me with huge, watery eyes that would put a puppy to shame.
"Well, on second thought, I guess I could- Hey, there's a cake behind you!"
"What? A cake on the ground!?" She turned around, which I quickly took as an opportunity to dash into the forest. I didn't see her turn back to me, but I kept running until I couldn't see outside the forest anymore. I walked into a circle of trees and sat down.
"Phew," I said. "That was close."
I suddenly heard a rustling from one of the bushes.
"What the-"
Pinkie suddenly leaped out from behind the bush.
"Hi again!"
"AGH! Jeez, Pinkie! How the hell did you find me?!"
"Well, we were right on the edge of the forest, silly! Where else would you have gone?"
"...Oh. Okay, fair point."
"Now come on! If we get back soon, there'll still be time for party games!" She started trotting off.
Ugh, I need to put a stop to this. I stood up and called out to her.
"Pinkie!"
She stopped and turned around. "Yeah?"
"Pinkie, I told you I can't go to your party."
"But you're a human! The first human in Ponyville in so long! What good will a welcoming party be if the guy I'm welcoming isn't there?"
She looked sad again. I needed to think of something... Aha, I got it.
"Pinkie, listen. I can't come to this party-"
Her face drooped.
"-But I promise I'll come to another one of your parties later on."
"But why cant you come to this one?!"
"Pinkie, I told you. Humans aren't allowed in Equestria, remember? I need to clear things up with me and the princess if I want to go. I mean, it wouldn't be a very good party if I got arrested in the middle of it, right?"
"Aww..." Her mane drooped this time.
"Hmm... Alright. Pinkie Pie, I promise that I will go talk to Princess Celestia and try to clear things up, alright? Then, you can throw me the biggest party you want to."
"...Pinkie promise?"
"Yeah, sure. Pinkie promise."
She suddenly lit up again. "Alright! You go talk to the Princess, and I'll go make even more preparations for what could be my biggest party yet! Bye!" She zoomed off.
"Huh, that was easier than I thought it would be."
I didn't really have any intention of talking to Princess Celestia, of course. At least, not yet. I'd feel bad if I didn't eventually do it, but for now I can't imagine it being my best option. Now that I finally have some time to think things over, I need to seriously consider where I'm going from here. I'd love to find this "Anthropia", but that in and of itself is probably a lost cause. However, as I thought some more, the futility of my situation started to dawn on me.
"Aaaagh! Goddammit! What the hell am I supposed to do?!" I couldn't think of a single plan that had any likelihood of not landing me either in a prison or a grave. My situation is completely fucked as far as I can tell. I decided to go for a walk to see if that helped me think. While walking, I mulled over all the aspects of my current situation. First, humans are banned from Equestria. That's bad. Second, I have some pretty nice powers...
Wait, of course! Why didn't I think of this before? It must have been me that caused myself to teleport outside of that dungeon. Maybe I can try that again? Because that skill would be exceedingly useful. But just how was I supposed to practice that?
After reaching an edge of the forest, I began trying to concentrate on the area a few feet in front of me, while trying to will myself there. I snapped my fingers for added effect, but nothing happened.
"Hmm..." I tried to think of what I was doing when I first teleported. I was ranting at Celestia, and then I waved my arm to the right. I was focusing on the subject of leaving the dungeon while doing so, which means...
Aha, that must be it! While concentrating on the area in front of me, I waved my arm to the right... And suddenly, I appeared two feet behind me.
"Wh- Okay, that's something, I guess." I tried again, this time I teleported about five feet in the air. I fell on my face and pushed myself up again.
"Come on, go where I want me to!" I tried one more time, this time focusing outside the forest... and I found myself in a tree.
"Oh, come on..." I prepared to try again, but the branch under me broke and I fell to the ground.
I pushed myself up, and considered everything that just happened. Okay, so it seems I can teleport at will, but only in some small radius around me, and I can't choose where I teleport to. Real useful.
I walked back into the forest. It was getting dark, and all that teleporting made me tired. I gathered some wood I found scattered on the ground and made a campfire, of sorts. Lying down next to it, I gradually fell asleep while the sound of hoofsteps made itself known.
I awoke to the sound of bubbling liquid. Opening my eyes, I found myself in some sort of hut, the walls adorned with various bottles and horse-shaped masks. Strange, I don't remember falling asleep here.
"Ah, so you are finally awake. I was beginning to wonder how long that would take." I heard a distinctively female voice. Turning my head, I laid my eyes on what looked to be a zebra adorned in various gold... bracelets, or something.
"Agh! Where am I?!" I said, backing into a corner.
"Do not have fear, my human friend. Your confusion will meet its end."
"Who are you? Why am I here?!"
"I am Zecora. I live in this wood. I noticed you napping, and I understood."
"Understood what?"
"Your current plight, it was clear to myself. I opted to give you a shelter, some help."
"And why are you talking in rhymes?"
"I'm sure your amount of questions is great, but I am afraid they will have to wait." She walked over to a large cauldron in the middle of the hut and looked into it.
"I heard of your Canterlot escapades. Here, humans don't exactly come in spades."
"Oh, that. In my defense, I wasn't exactly in my right mind at the time."
"I'm afraid my concerns lie elsewhere, George. Those memories lost in that story you've forged."
"What do you mean?" I got up and looked in the cauldron. It was filled with some type of green liquid.
"I conducted some research, I hope you don't mind. I'm sure you'd like to see the things I did find."
"Research? What kind of research?"
"The type of research on humans, that's what. It's been long since one last came to my hut."
"Can you please just explain to me what's going on?"
"To you, there's more than most ponies would see. Your powers stretch far beyond climbing trees."
I thought back to the branch breaking and winced.
"You're saying I'm more powerful than I think I am?"
"If you were not, then you would likely be dead. And yet you are here in my home," she said.
"...Hey, that's cheating!"
"No, it's not." She stirred the pot.
"I... never mind. How did you figure all this out about me?"
"News travels fast when a human is here. Most ponies view it as something quite queer."
"So, why are you helping me rather than turning me in to Celestia or something?"
She left the Cauldron and looked out the window.
"You are not the first human to come to my house. Another once came, they were meek as a mouse."
"Were they friendly at all?"
"She was a sweet girl, far more than you'd think. She even tried to offer me a drink. However, she could not stay long. She left soon after she'd sang me a song."
"After that, I heard naught else from her. It was as if she was gone in a blur."
She continued. "Ever since that day, when that human left my home, I began to doubt how, to us, they were known."
"...Wow, I'm actually feeling kinda emotional at that."
She turned back to me. "However, these days are far in the past. You are now here, and I must finish fast."
"Do you believe in a higher power? A sort of being, above all they would tower?"
"I don't know," I said. "To be honest, I haven't thought of anything concerning religion since I fell out of the sky."
"What if I told you this power was you? It's the only explanation for what you've been through."
"...What exactly are you saying?"
"Immortality is no small power, my friend. There is but one explanation to this end."
"Wait, how did you know I was immortal?"
"You fell from the sky, and from Canterlot. The damage to mortals would be quite a lot. It's a hasty conclusion, I'm fully aware, but please take a seat, right over there."
There didn't seem to be any chairs around, so I just sat down on the floor.
"You may not believe me, so please just inhale. You may be a deity, my friend, George Trestale."
What. A deity? As in godliness? I'm a god? No, that can't be right.
"N-No, that can't be right. How could I be a god?! I'm not even that powerful!"
"That is where things complicate themselves. Mediocrity seems to be where your power delves."
"Please, just get to the point!"
"Let us go outside, and you will see for yourself. Your powers may knock my things off my shelf."
We both walked outside, and stopped a small distance from her house.
"Now, attempt to teleport like before. Focus on my house's door."
Concentrating on the door, I attempted to teleport myself into the hut. I waved my arm to the right as usual... and I suddenly appeared about a yard to the left.
"Yes, this confirms what it was that I thought. Your powers are broken, they're all good for naught."
"Wait," I said, walking back to her. "So, I have godlike powers, but they don't work right?!"
"I am afraid that's the fact of the matter. From what I see here, your powers are shattered."
"Can they be fixed?"
"The idea of that's been heard by no one. Nothing like that has ever been done."
"Oh, goddamn it. So, what you're saying is I'm stuck with broken magical powers. I'm pretty much the crappiest god in existence."
"I am afraid that statement is true. But come inside, I have something for you."
I followed Zecora back into her hut. Upon doing so, she opened a drawer and took out what looked to be a piece of parchment. She placed it in my hands.
"I was given this map by the previous human. She gave it to me with a bottle of cumin."
"Cumin? Why?"
"I must admit, that was a lie. I was simply in need of a rhyme."
"Oh."
"This map leads to Anthropia. She told me, 'A human utopia'."
"Wait, this map shows where Anthropia is?"
"Yes, this map will take you there. It is a long journey, but I doubt you care."
"Honestly, at this point I'm willing to do anything to figure out what the hell's been going on for the past day."
"Then go, and find the answers to your past. But you may want to get there fast."
"Why?"
"Your arrival in Ponyville is causing stir. It will likely ruffle Celestia's fur."
"So, what you're saying is she's going to send a search party after me?"
"That is what is most likely. So go, and know to tread lightly."
"Alright." I tucked the map into my pocket. "Thanks, Zecora. Your efforts will not be in vain!" I said, dashing out the door.
So, now I have a map to Anthropia. That's like manna from heaven at this point. After leaving the forest, I took the map out of my pocket and studied it.
Sheesh, that is way out there. How the hell am I supposed to walk that far? I need some other method of transportation. After some thinking and walking, I heard what sounded like a train whistle. I looked off at a nearby mountain and saw, unsurprisingly, a train scaling it, seemingly heading towards Canterlot.
Viewing the Canterlot-bound train from afar, I was struck with an idea. A train wouldn't bring me all the way to Anthropia, but it could certainly get me part of the way there. Looking at the map, between here and Anthropia is a town called "Appleloosa". From what I can tell on this map, the train will get me a large portion of the way there. I'll just have to wait for it to be en route to Appleloosa. This means I need to figure out two things. One, how I'm going to get a copy of the train's schedule, and two, how I'm going to get on the train.
So, as for the train schedule, my only option would likely be to just hope there are copies of it on the train. Maybe there will be, maybe there won't. I'll cross that bridge when I get there. But for now, I need to figure out how I'm going to actually board the train.
This is going to take some planning. I can't exactly go and buy a ticket. I'm going to have to sneak on somehow. But how? I can't board it in any of the towns it stops in, that's way too high risk with the amount of ponies getting on and off. This means my only option would be to get on it between its stops... but how am I gonna do that? I can't just run up next to it and grab it, my arm will get ripped off. And I can't think of any feasible way of stopping it. I looked at Canterlot, and then to the bottom of the mountain it's on. Hm, it looks like the train uses this tunnel at the bottom. Perhaps I could jump onto it from an overpass?
Eh, that's a stupid idea. So, clearly, it's the best one for me to use!
En route to Canterlot's mountain, it soon became nighttime. I admired how cool-looking the sky is. Seriously, that is a nice shade of purple. While thinking about this, I heard a train whistle. I looked to the left and saw the train in the distance, on some rails headed towards Canterlot. I needed to get to the overpass fast. I quickly picked up the pace, and after about twenty more minutes, I made it to the mountain. Okay, the tunnel has a ledge above it I can stand on, but how am I going to get up there? I thought about this for a moment, but in the middle of my thinking I suddenly heard the train whistle from the inside of the tunnel.
Oh god, that's coming up way faster than I expected. Okay, I gotta figure this out fast. After some quick thinking, I came to the conclusion that I needed to try and teleport onto the overpass. I can't imagine it being likely that it would work, but, hell, it's my only option. I quickly focused on the overpass and waved my arm, only to appear inside the tunnel. I could see the train's light some distance down there, and it was approaching fast. I quickly ran out of the tunnel and tried again.
Okay, this time I appeared next to the overpass in midair. I fell down to the ground and considered if my power was taunting me. The train's about to come out of the tunnel. I quickly got up and tried one more time as the train rushed out of the tunnel...
...And I appeared over the train instead. I quickly fell onto the train, my legs giving out and me hitting my head on its roof. I quickly got up and saw the ground passing by around me.
"Holy shit. I did it. I did it! Lo hicimos! I did it!" I almost jumped for joy, but stopped myself as I realized that's a stupid idea. After walking up a few cars, I sat down and began to wonder where this train was going, hoping it would be stopping somewhere closer to Anthropia. While thinking this, I suddenly saw we were headed for another tunnel. Which happened to be really close.
Shit.
I quickly got up again and looked down at the cars. Okay, fuck it! I jumped down between them, the tunnel's roof missing me by mere inches, and me landing on the connecting platform. After a sigh of relief, I looked through the window in the door to the next car. Filled with ponies, not good. I looked at the one behind me. Not filled with ponies. That's better. I quickly ran into the room to see various bunks with curtains. I climbed into a higher one and quickly shut the curtain. I looked out the bunk's window to see the train leave the tunnel.
Now, at this point I figured I was safe. Who would invade the privacy of Equestria's most wanted? While considering this, I heard the door to the cabin open. A young sounding voice made itself known.
"Why do we have to be so careful about one human? How dangerous could he be?"
"Celestia said he survived falling off Canterlot," another voice said. "Something fishy is going on if that's true." That voice sounds so familiar. Why can't I put my finger on it?
"So, we're going to Ponyville just so you can research humans? Doesn't Canterlot Castle have a library?"
"Yes, but I've already scoured through all the books there. I'm going home to see if any of my books have different information on humans."
"If you say so, Twilight."
Twilight...? Then it hit me. God damn it, why her of all ponies? Why does my luck suck so much?!
And as if it couldn't get any worse, I began to feel a sneeze coming on. How do you stop a sneeze, again? I'd like to know that as soon as possible.
"Spike, this is important. We can't have a human running amok-"
"AH-CHOO!"
"...Bless you," said the younger voice.
"Thank you," I replied.
...Fuck, why did I say that?
"Wait, that voice!" said Twilight. My curtain was suddenly covered in a purple aura, and then it opened, greeting my eyes with Princess Twilight Sparkle and... some lizard thing.
"Ha! We've got you now!" said Twilight. Well, this plan is screwed.
"Ha-HA! That's what you think!" I opened my bunk's window, only to be trapped in a magic bubble again.
"Nice try, but you're not getting away this time!" said Twilight. "We're going to bring you back to Celestia. She'll be glad to see you've been captured again."
"Wow," said the lizard that I assume is named "Spike". "He was right here the whole time! That's convenient."
"Yeah, well, you know what's inconvenient?" I said.
"What?" said Twilight.
"This!" I waved my arm to the right, suddenly appearing on top of the train again. Man, considering all the possibilities, this is working out pretty well for me. I heard voices from inside the cabin.
"Darn it! Celestia said he might be able to teleport, but I wasn't going to believe it until I saw it," said Twilight.
"Let me guess, this means more research?" said Spike.
"Well, obviously."
Laughing at the fact that I escaped unscathed, I stopped listening to the cabin and looked out in front of the train. My happiness was suddenly cut short upon seeing that the train was now stopping in Ponyville.
As the train pulled into Ponyville, all I could do was watch as I was gradually brought into the view of every pony near the train station. Them staring at me, and me staring back, I just clung to the roof of the train until it came to a stop.
Well, what matters is that Twilight doesn't know I'm there. After ponies started getting off the train, I jumped off the side not facing the train station. Watching the other side of the train between two cars, I saw Twilight and Spike among the others, backs thankfully turned to me. I quickly ducked behind a car, contemplating what to do now.
Hmm... Now that I'm at a train station, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a train schedule in there. But I can't just run in there and grab it in broad daylight. I'm going to need to wait until nighttime, since it'll probably be closed then. So, for now, I need to lay low.
But how the hell am I going to do that? I am currently behind the one thing keeping Twilight from spotting me, and I'm fairly sure a bunch of ponies saw me on top of the train. It's only a matter of time until she is either told I'm here, or she sees me herself. This is not going to be easy at all.
After about ten minutes of thinking, I figured something out. All I need to do is get back on the train, ride it back out of Ponyville, wait until nighttime, and then sneak back into town. It's genius! Unfortunately, just as I came up with this plan, I noticed the train had begun pulling out of Ponyville again.
"Shit!" As the train passed me, I looked for something to grab on to. In a split second, the railing on the back of the train's caboose caught my eye. I quickly reached out and grabbed it. Bad mistake.
The train had now considerably sped up, and so, rather than being able to pull myself onto the train like I had intended, I was now being dragged behind it on the tracks.
"Agh- ugh- ow- fuck- me-" I said, hitting each individual sleeper as I was pulled behind the train. Putting in all my upper body strength, I managed to get another hand on the railing and pull myself up and over the railing, falling onto the platform. Thinking myself to be safe, I got up and looked out at Ponyville. It's a nice looking town, for sure. A weird choice to have a giant crystal castle in the middle of it, though. It really contrasts with the rest of the place.
As I contemplated the possibility of giving the inhabitants of the town some aesthetic advice, I heard something in the car. Looking in through the door's window, I saw a pony collecting tickets from the others on board. I quickly ducked out of the way of the window and climbed onto the roof of the train. Looking down at the platform, I saw the ticket-collector pony open the door to the platform, look around for a moment, and go back inside.
Mentally celebrating my small victory, I stood myself up only to promptly be slammed into the side of a hill, the train now passing through a tunnel.
"Aaaaaagh..." I said, apparently stuck to the side of the hill while the train passed under me. I quickly fell to the ground and got up again, dazed.
"Yeah, that's every bit as painful as I'd expect."
Looking around, I caught Ponyville in the distance. Alright, I'm a good ways away now. Now to wait. I walked over to another part of the hill and sat down.
Yep. Juuuuuuust wait.
Boringly.
Man, it's times like these I wish I had time trav-
~Sudden transition to several hours later!~
After it became sufficiently dark, I had started making my way towards the town. I was very close now, the train station being the first thing in my mind. I just had to avoid the eye of anyone who could potentially be out on the streets.
At the point of me arriving at the town, I noticed something. The train station isn't closed. All of its lights are on. Shit, that's not good. Well, I guess I can just wait until it does close. I mean, it has to close sometime, right?
...Oh, screw that, I'm not that patient.
I quickly ran over to the train station, out of the view of any windows. Now up against one of its walls, I thought about how I was going to get in. I'm not gonna go in there and just snap the teller pony's neck or something. I can't handle my reputation getting any worse. I snuck under the ticket buying window and went over to the door. Only one way to do this, I guess. I'll have to try and intimidate him into giving me a schedule.
Hey, don't laugh. I'd say those ponies in Canterlot were real damn intimidated!
Quickly forming a basic plan of this in my head, I quickly turned the door handle, only to find that it was locked. Damn it! How am I supposed to get in there now?!
I quickly decided on the one thing that's both failed and worked for me in the past: teleportation. I stood back from the door, waved my arm to the right, and... appeared in an adjacent house's bathroom. I looked at the bathtub and noticed a pony in there behind the curtains, taking a shower.
Apparently, they heard me, as they, or, in this case, a rather burly-looking male pony, opened the curtains and quickly let out an ear-screechingly girly scream.
Desperate to free my ears of this assault on the senses, I teleported myself out of the house. Running back to my original position at the train station, I tried again, this time appearing on the roof of the station.
"I'm getting real tired of your shit, broken-ass powers..." I waved my arm one more time, this time appearing about 20 feet above the roof.
Okay, first off, I had no idea I could teleport that far. Second off, shit.
Falling quickly and certainly not screaming, I crashed through the roof of the train station and fell face-down onto the floor, surrounded by splinters and other broken materials. Attempting to save some face, I remembered the intimidation tactic and scrambled to my feet.
"Wassup, motherf..." My opening line was cut short upon the sudden realization that no one was in here. Are you telling me they seriously just leave the lights on when it's closed? God damn it, I could have just picked the lock or something if no one was here in the first place. And there is no way that nobody heard me crash through the roof. I could have ponies on me at any second. I quickly started looking around for a schedule in various drawers and on various shelves.
Suddenly, my eye was caught by a certain beam of moonlight created by the hole in the ceiling, focused directly on a pile of pamphlets on the desk. I swear, I heard a chorus of angels or something when I saw it. Running over to the pamphlets and grabbing one, I saw the train's schedule for the next entire month. Damn, these ponies really plan ahead. I shoved the pamphlet into my suit pocket, and looked at the window. I quickly noticed that the pile of pamphlets are next to an opening on the window where you can just reach in and grab one.
Fucking fuck. I am not good at observation. But whatever. I waved my arm to the right again and appeared outside of the train station, only to be faced with a good many ponies, some of them just now coming out of their houses. I quickly caught the eye of every single one of them.
"Hey, it's that human Twilight warned us about!" said one elderly pony holding a lantern.
"Someone go tell her!" said another. "The rest of us'll try and capture him!"
Wait, did I hear that right? When did these ponies become all brave?!
"Yeah! We can do it if we work together!" said another pony. I started stepping back slowly.
"Attack!" cried yet another. Yeah, that sparked it.
"Shiiiiiiiit!" I quickly spun on my heels and ran from them, darting behind a house. They all came after me. The chase that ensued here, well, it can only really be described by being accompanied with Yakety Sax.
After a lot of dashing between houses, being chased, me somehow chasing them at one point, and even one point where I accidentally joined them in chasing after me, I managed to lose them by hiding in a trash can. Not the cleanest of strategies, but it worked. Now that the coast is clear, I need to get the holy hell out of here before Twilight gets word of me being here. I quickly tried to get out of the trashcan, instead falling over inside it and knocking over several others.
"Hey, did you hear that?" a voice in the distance said. Shit. I quickly crawled out of the trash can, now covered in various pieces of garbage. God, my suit is not going to survive much more of this. I quickly ran out of the town, not stopping until I was a good distance away. Panting, I sat down on the grass.
"Well, that was fun." I took the train schedule out of my suit pocket and looked at it. Alright, when's the next train that'll bring me closer to Anthropia? Let's see, that would be... a week from now?!
I jumped to my feet, threw the schedule to the ground, and cried out to the heavens.
A week from now. A week from now! The next train that goes anywhere near Anthropia is a week from this current day. That means two things. One, that entire ordeal with the train now serves as nothing but pointless filler. Second, that means I need to be in hiding for a week. I could probably walk there in that time! Hell, I think I just might do that. I didn't initially want to, on account of it being incredibly tedious, but what other choice do I have?
Besides, if I don't want to get caught again, I need to get as far away from Ponyville and Canterlot as possible.
"Welp," I thought to myself, "Might as well-"
My thoughts were cut short upon the sight of several armored pegasi flying overhead towards Ponyville, holding what looked like searchlights. Wow, they have those? My attention was also caught by a brighter beam of light from the sky. Following this light with my eyes and squinting really hard, I saw that it led up to Twilight, who was now flying in the air, evidently looking for me. Narrowly avoiding the spotlights, I shoved the schedule into my pocket and ran a good distance from them. As they continued shining their lights around, I decided now would probably be the best time for me to get the hell out of here. Taking one last look towards Ponyville, I took the map out of my pocket, and began my walk to Anthropia.
~Fifteen minutes later...~
Well, this looks like a good time to rest. I'm a good ways away from the search party, I can continue my trek in the morning. Now near a river, I laid down on the ground, looking at the night sky. Okay, this would be a lot more enjoyable if the ground wasn't so uncomfortable. Seems that grass's comfortable exterior is just a facade to hide all the dirt and rocks underneath. Sitting up, I looked around for something that could potentially be used as a pillow of sorts. Nothing in sight. Disappointed, I thought to myself a bit more, and then back to my talk with Zecora.
Hm... I wonder if I can conjure up objects? I could use anything to cushion myself against the ground. It probably won't work, but I might as well give it a shot. Standing up, I focused on the ground, closed my eyes and and tried to will into existence... hm, let's go with a sleeping bag. Imagining the image of the bag on the ground, I put all my willpower into making it appear. I have to believe it will be there. It IS there. I opened my eyes...
It's not there. Okay, let's try this again. I looked at the spot on the ground, and didn't close my eyes this time. And... appear!
Nothing. Okay, this is going nowhere fast. And I'm tired. Looking around, I spotted a nearby rock on the ground. Hm, perhaps transmogrification? I picked it up and placed it front of me.
"Okay," I thought, focusing on the rock. "I want a pillow!"
I pushed my emotions into this rock. Focusing almost hard enough to pop a vein in my head, the rock was suddenly engulfed in a white light. Caught off guard by this, I fell onto my ass. I continued looking at the rock, jaw gaping just a little as I saw it change into... a doily.
"A doily? Are you joking me?" I picked it up and stared at it. "What, is my head a fuckin' teapot now? Christ!"
I threw it to the ground and sat down, frustrated. Looking to the sky, I noticed the moon was now in a position that signified it was late. I need to get to sleep fast if I want to get a good amount of time out of tomorrow...
Oh, screw it. I grabbed the doily, set it out on the ground gently, and laid down, resting my head on it. This is like a shot glass of water to the world's thirstiest man. At least it's something. And somehow, after some time, perhaps due to the soothing prettiness of the night sky, I managed to fall asleep.
~Ponyville, some time earlier~
To say Twilight's previous few days were unusual would be an understatement of criminal proportions. The strangest human she had ever seen had turned up in Equestria, inciting anger in many towns' citizens. Perhaps it was because of percieved inaction on the Princesses' part, or because he had managed to escape from their custody. Either way, he needed to be recaptured before things got worse.
She was disappointed. She had been so close to capturing him a second time, being able to bring him right to Celestia. What she had to prove, she didn't know. She was already a princess. But she still looked up to her former mentor just as much as ever. This would have certainly impressed her. But he just had to teleport away.
While that was the most frustrating part of it, it was also perhaps one of the most intriguing. Just how did he manage to do that? Have humans been advancing their own magic somehow? Whatever the reason, the most obvious answer was research. Late-night research, much to Spike's annoyance and protest. But she was stagnant. Now nose-deep in a book about human history, a stack of others, already read, sat by her side. Fortunately for Spike, this was the last one she had. Flipping between pages, Twilight read various important-sounding passages out loud.
"'From what pony research has been able to discover, human magic extends to simple elemental magic, particularly of the fire and water variety.'" She thought hard on this specific sentence. "See, that's the thing, Spike. He shouldn't have been able to teleport, let alone survive supposedly falling so far twice in one day. How do you think he could have done it?" She gazed over at him, looking for a response.
"Gee, I dunno," said Spike, clearly disinterested as he looked at her, his head hanging upside-down off the side of one of the steps. "Body doubles, maybe?"
"Spike, this is serious. I need actual ideas, not magicians' tricks." She looked back to her book. None of them had documented anything like this. Just what is going on with this specific human?
"Aaagh!" She slammed the book shut, obviously frustrated. "Twelve thick books and not one with any information that is remotely related to this guy!"
"Maybe he's not even human," said Spike. "Ever consider that?"
Twilight thought this over. No, she didn't consider that. Huh.
"You mean like a changeling?"
"Maybe, I dunno. And I don't care enough to think too hard about it, since it might be enough to make me die of exhaustion." And with that, he went upstairs.
"Not human..." Twilight thought about magical entities that could potentially appear human. "But what could-"
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. She abandoned her train of thought and walked to the front door, opening it to be greeted with a pegasus wearing a slightly worried expression on his face.
"What's wrong? Did something happen?"
"Uh, yeah, you know the human you warned the whole town about earlier?"
"Yeah, what about him?"
"He's kinda here now, being chased by an angry mob."
"What?! Did I not mention how dangerous he could potentially be?!"
"Ask them that, not me!"
"Ugh, fine!" And with that, Twilight ran out of her castle, now dashing around town looking for signs of either George or the mob. Unfortunately, her efforts were in vain, as by the time she found them, they were now out of breath, and void of any captured humans.
Twilight ran up to them. "Where's the human?"
"We lost him!" said one of the ponies.
"Yeah, he gave us the slip!"
"Okay," said Twilight, putting a hoof to her forehead. "Where did you all see him last?"
"Well," a pony in front said, "We were between the houses-"
Suddenly, there was a loud distinct noise of trash cans being knocked over.
"Did you hear that?!" one of the ponies yelled.
"Yeah, it came from that-a-way!" said another. And with that, the mob ran off in a direction that happened to be the opposite of where the sound actually came from.
"Wait!" said Twilight, but she was unheard as the mob ran off.
Taking in everything that just happened, Twilight kicked the dirt in annoyance.
After witnessing that sorry excuse for a chase, Twilight decided the best thing to do would be to write a letter to Celestia, alerting her to the human's presence in Ponyville. After having Spike write a letter, roll it up, and send it off with a puff of his breath, Twilight went back outside to start looking herself. Flying high up into the air, and focusing on a spell, she caused a beam of light to start emanating from her horn. After a few flickers, and a few hits to her horn in an attempt to get it to work right, she started shining it around Ponyville, between the alleys for any sign of George.
~Meanwhile, in Canterlot~
Princess Celestia took another sip of her tea, after cooling it just slightly with some manner of spell. It wasn't often she managed to have small moments like this, and recent events made that all the worse. The initial search party had failed to find the human, meaning she was still clueless as to where he could be running amok. But she felt no need to consider that right now. She cherished the moment all she could, as she felt it would end soon.
And as if it were predicted by an ancient civilization, a letter from Twilight appeared in front of her. Unfurling it, she read over it and quickly stood up, almost spilling her tea in the process. She walked out the door and to a nearby guard.
"Please notify the captain to start a search party. The human has been sighted in Ponyville."
"Yes, your highness," the guard replied, quickly running down the hall and turning a corner.
Watching the guard run off, Celestia's center of attention was quickly brought to another letter that had just appeared in front of her. While a different seal than Twilight's, Celestia knew this one all too well. Opening this letter, she read the contents with a concerned look on her face.
To Princess Celestia, co-ruler of the land of Equestria,
It has come to my attention that you have been giving one of my citizens quite
a hard time in your kingdom. While I understand the basic laws barring humans
from entering Equestria, I will not have you attempting to capture someone
under my jurisdiction. I hereby demand that you either cease the search for him,
or extradite him back to Anthropia. You being one of the few to know its location,
that should be easy for you, should it not?
If that is not enough motivation for you, here is an extra part of the deal.
Should you not agree to my conditions, I will be forced to enter a state of war with
your kingdom. We both know war isn't worth the capture of one single citizen,
which should make the proposition all the more enticing to you, Celestia. I
strongly advise you to make the right decision here. We both know you're
not stupid, contrary to what my citizens think, so I advise you to let me keep
that opinion of you.
With warm regards,
King Tetesac
Celestia sighed. A typical letter to receive from him. This was not the first time Tetesac had threatened war on Equestria. Far from it, in fact. Only once did he ever bother to go through with his threats. And that one time having caused some rather negative consequences for him, she doubted he'd try again. Not to mention, George was in no way under Anthropia's jurisdiction. However, on the other hand, this is only one human. Is it really worth chasing after this single one? Regardless of that, she had to be careful where she disputed him on this.
Celestia went back into her study to write a letter in reply, throwing out the first after mistakenly writing a swear word in her frustration.
~The next morning, in a field not too far off from Ponyville~
After waking up, my attention was quickly brought to the realization that nothing happened to me overnight. Seriously, you have no idea how glad I am for that considering everything that's happened to me over the past day or two. Flicking an ant off my sleeve, I got up and stretched, looking over the horizon to see that the sun rose not too long ago.
"Well, glad to see I'm up decently early."
I grabbed the doily off the ground, brushed it off, and shoved it into my pocket. I don't know if I'm ever going to really need this, but hey, you never know. Looking around some more, I started again on my journey.
Now, most of my journey consists of me walking in one single direction, following the train tracks. Because it would be boring as hell to actually list every small thing that happens, I'm gonna be skipping forward through those parts. For the sake of convenience, of course. Not laziness.
Now, I walked for quite a while. I went through a few very uneventful days of just boringly walking, walking, and walking. I got pretty hungry, too. I never reached the point of agony, but it still existed as a nagging reminder that I really want something to eat. Unfortunately, for some damn reason, I didn't think to actually bring any food. Yeah, thanks, me. Not to mention, there were no landmarks detailed on the map, so I couldn't tell how close I was. I assumed I was about halfway there after a couple days. Although it felt more like I'd walked halfway around the world.
Around this point, one night I finally came across another semblance of civilization. A town, looking somewhat like some kind of stereotypical wild-west sort of ordeal. Looking from a distance, I noticed it was rather well-kept. Must be decently populated. I started on getting a safe distance from the town before walking past it, but I felt the pangs of hunger again.
Hm, I wonder if they have any food in one of those buildings. I mean, I know it would technically be stealing, but it's not like I don't already have a criminal record here. Besides, I'm sure they won't miss one small meal's worth of food. Sneaking between the buildings, watching out for anyone who might be roaming around, a building caught my attention. A big sign was on the front of it that said "Saloon".
Saloon... those are like bars, right? Maybe they'll have some food in there. I went up to the door, only to see it was locked. Complete with a little "Closed" sign and everything. Alright, time for the old teleportation trick. I focused on the inside of the saloon and waved my arm to the right, miraculously appearing perfectly on the inside. Hooray, it worked for once!
Looking around in the dark saloon, I saw... nothing. It's way too dark in here.
"Alright," I thought. "Let's make some light."
I snapped my fingers a few times, making some sparks until I managed to create a small sustainable flame at the end of my index finger. I flinched reflexively, but I quickly realized I didn't feel a thing. Huh. Well, now I've got two things going for me! Looking around in the saloon, my attention was immediately brought to a multitude of shelves holding various bottles containing what I assume to be alcoholic drinks. Alright, I'll come back to that later. Looking around some more, I found an open doorway that led into a kitchen.
Going through the kitchen and admiring the various cookwares, I saw yet another door, marked with a sign I could just barely make out to say "pantry". Jackpot! I went inside and was met with a large amount of various foods. The sort of foods that one would have in a household, actually. Boxed macaroni and cheese, canned tomato sauce, things like that. Shuddering at the thought of drinking tomato sauce, I suddenly noticed a bagged loaf of what looked like some kind of rye bread. Well, I suppose it's the most convenient thing to eat. I grabbed the loaf and closed the door.
While I was about to leave, the wall of drinks caught my attention again. Alright, let's see what they have. I set the bread down and looked at the drinks. Man, they've got a load of stuff here. Whiskey, rum, vodka, tequila, even a few wines.
"Huh," I thought. "I wonder what those taste like."
Having no memory of the taste of any of these, I decided to try a little sample of one out of simple curiosity. After some quick deciding, I opted for the whiskey on account of it looking like maple syrup. Hell, maybe it'll taste like it? I dunno. I flicked the cork off the bottle of whiskey and took a quick swig.
Alright, so, this is the part where I suddenly realize that was a bad idea. My immediate thought when the whiskey hit my tounge was "This tastes nothing like maple syrup". My second thought was "There is way too much of this in my mouth". My mouth was overcome with a horrible burning sensation as I quickly set the bottle down and painfully gulped down the entire mouthful of whiskey.
I quickly doubled over coughing, trying to overcome the horrible taste. Holy shit, I have never tasted something so bad in my life. Still coughing, I attempted to right myself only for the coughing to get worse. And then, I heard a voice from upstairs.
"Who's there?!"
Desperately trying to be quiet, I covered my mouth to no avail. In fact, the coughs got so bad that I ended up stumbling around out of lightheadedness. Not being able to tell where I was going, I backed up right into the wall of drinks, knocking a ton of them off the shelves around my feet.
"Shit!" I shouted, drinks still falling off the shelves and shattering on the ground below. I made an attempt to run, but in my hastiness I slipped in the mixture of disgusting drinks and fell to the ground.
See, this would have been relatively fine normally. Just get back up and try again, right? Wrong. See, one little aspect of this current pratfall occurred to me as everything seemed to go in slow motion. Right before I hit the ground, I noticed that my left hand, index finger still lit, was headed straight for the pool of alcohol readily lying on the floor.
You know when you get that feeling that the entire world's against you? Yeah, I can relate.
As I crashed to the ground, the drinks instantly lit as my hand made contact with them. The flames spread so fast that I had no time at all to react as I was suddenly surrounded in them. Through the flames, I noticed a stallion who was now downstairs holding a lantern. Yeah, lot of good that's going to do you now, buddy.
"Aaaagh!" he said, dropping his lantern. "A human! And he's using fire magic!"
Scrambling to my feet, I tried to shout to him that it was an accident, but to no avail as he ran off to somewhere else in the saloon. Alright, fuck that, I need to get out of here. I saw the flames spreading to various areas of the saloon, now also closing in on me as if I was their prey of some sort. Running through the flames as quickly as possible, I stopped to brush off several spots of myself that had caught fire. Looking around at the now smoke-filled saloon, I frantically looked around for an exit. Front door's still locked. Fantastic.
Alright, I'm out of options here. Taking one last look behind me as the flames spread even more, I ran as fast as I could at one of the windows and dove through it, shattering it into pieces and giving me a good amount of cuts at the same time. I hit the ground outside just as some more flames erupted from the windows.
Too frantic to notice the multitude of glass shards now sticking out of me, I scooted away from the windows and considered everything that had just happened.
"Christ," I said. "I did not mean to do that."
...Wait, that's not the saloon. I looked behind me, to see the actual saloon in perfect condition, completely flame-less.
Wait, what?! I looked back at the building I just came out of, now seeing it was actually someone's house. Christ, now I feel even more guilty.
Hold on a minute. I... could have just teleported out, couldn't I?
Well, fuck me sideways.
I guess that's the least of my current concerns, though. I quickly started trying to make some water spray out of my finger, in an attempt to try and save the pony's house. After getting nothing but a few small squirts, my hand was suddenly knocked back into my face as an absolutely huge stream of water sprayed from my palm.
Alright, okay, that's good! I attempted to control my arm, pointing it in through the window I jumped through. After about five seconds of struggling with this crazy garden hose of an arm, the stream ceased. Looking in through the broken window, I saw that every flame had been extinguished. Yeah! Hooray for George Trestale!
Drying my hand off, I turned around to head back towards Anthropia, only to see there were now a multitude of ponies surrounding me with rather angry looks on their faces.
I'd put some one-liner here about my misfortune, but I think I've used them all up by now.
Now at a standoff of sorts with an entire crowd of ponies, I attempted to sort of slink away subtly. Unfortunately, this attempt was not particularly effective, as the crowd began advancing on me. Quickly disregarding my previous plan, I ran down the street, the crowd now chasing after me at the same speed. Faster, actually. As they gained on me, I turned a corner and was suddenly surrounded by a green aura.
"Quick, in here!" whispered a voice, as I was swiftly pulled into the alley.
I watched outside as the crowd of ponies ran by. Wow, that really does work. Huh.
The aura dissipated as I fell to my feet. Wait, who pulled me in here? I turned around and was met with a pony with a coat color comparable to mint-flavored gum, wearing a hood and some saddlebags.
"What do you think you're doing, setting fire to ponies' houses?" The feminine-sounding pony pulled her hood off her head, revealing a similarly-colored mane, striped with white, along with a unicorn horn. "Do you want to get thrown in a cell, or something?"
"Er, good question," I said. "I've got a follow-up, though. Several, actually. The most important one would probably be 'Who are you?'."
Suddenly, her demeanor changed, and she grinned. "I'm Lyra. Lyra Heartstrings."
"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, then. I'm-"
"George Trestale?" She cut me off, still grinning. "Yep, I've heard of you. You really gave Princess Celestia the slip!"
A dumb grin came across my face. Cool, I'm famous now!
"Yes, indeed!" I struck a heroic pose. "I, George Trestale, escaped from the clutches of the dastardly Celestia and her entire Royal Guard! It is nice to meet you on this fine day, fair maiden!"
She looked slightly weirded out at this. Okay, maybe I should reserve that for whenever I feel like dying of embarassment.
"Uh... yeah. So, anyway, care to explain why you set that pony's house on fire?"
"...It was an accident."
She kept looking at me with a somewhat unimpressed look on her face. "How, exactly, did you set his house on fire on accident?"
"There was a lot of alcohol involved. And, I mean, I did put the fire out afterwards, so it's fine."
She put her hoof to her forehead. "Alright, whatever. It's none of my business anyway."
"Can I ask a question?"
"Sure."
"Why did you save me from that angry mob of death and stuff?"
"Oh! Well..." She broke eye contact with me and started dragging one of her front hooves in the dirt. "I kinda have a little... fascination with humans. A little curiosity, nothing more. I've been following your little adventure ever since Pinkie put that banner up welcoming a 'George Trestale the Human' to Ponyville."
"Following it? As in, you were stalking me?"
"Well..." She smiled a certain kind of "I've been found out" smile. "Well, I was planning on coming to Appleloosa anyway. I mean, really, I wouldn't call it 'stalking' as much as I'd call it 'following you, watching you from afar and rehearsing a few conversation topics in my head'."
I rolled my eyes. "Yep, a real important distinction to make."
She looked at me accusingly. "Look, it's not like I have anything better to do! And hey, you just set a pony's house on fire!"
"It was an accident!"
A little staring-standoff emerged at this point, lasting about five seconds before someone said something.
"So..." she said, "Anyway, I've got lots of questions to ask you!"
"And I've got lots of ponies looking to... I don't know, lynch me, or something. Can't they wait?"
"Nope! Now, first question. What currency do you use in Anthropia?"
"Currency?! I don't fuckin' know, as far as I'm concerned, I've never even been there!"
"Well, you don't have to swear... Wait, did you say you've never been there?"
I pointed to my head. "Memory issues. I'd rather not talk about it."
"Well, I'd rather you did."
"Euuuuugh... fine. I showed up in Canterlot almost a week ago, with no memory whatsoever of anything at all, including who the hell I am, so I've been trying to find some answers as to what the hell's going on with me."
"You don't remember anything at all?"
"Not remotely."
"Then how do you know your name?"
"I don't. I made it up on the spot after I went and fell out of the sky."
"...You did what?"
"Yeah, hence why I didn't want to talk about it."
She looked awfully skeptical at this. Not too surprising.
"So," I said, breaking the silence. "Can I go now?"
"Wait! If you don't remember anything, where are you going?"
"I'm looking for answers as to who I am and stuff. Anthropia might hold said answers."
"You're going to Anthropia?! That's... wait, how do you know how to get there?"
"I... can sense where it is. With human magic and stuff."
She didn't look convinced.
"Alright, fine." I took out the map. "This is a map to Anthropia. I got it a few days ago, and I've been following the train tracks towards there since."
Her expression suddenly changed to surprise. She ran up to me to get a better look. "A map to Anthropia?! How in Equestria did you get ahold of something like that?"
"I got lucky. Why do you care so much?"
"Well, I've been interested in taking an... educational visit to the place."
"Educational? Really?"
"Hey, everyone has their curiosities!" She looked down at the ground. "I just never managed to figure out where it is."
"Wouldn't that be, you know, kinda dangerous? I mean, according to what I've heard, they don't seem like a very nice group of people."
"Well, yeah, that's what they say. But I'm convinced they just misunderstand us. Maybe I could help usher in a new era of peace between Humans and ponies!"
I laughed a little. What an idea. "Well, that would certainly help me out a bit. But for now, I gotta get going. Can't stick around and risk getting into more trouble."
"Wait!" I had almost managed to turn around when she stopped me. "You're the only one I know who knows how to get to Anthropia! Do you know what that means?"
"It's Taco Tuesday?"
"No! It means you have to take me with you! Pleeeeeease!"
Normally, I'd say no, but two factors are registering in my favor here. One is that those saddlebags she's wearing could carry food. Not that I'll likely need it, but it would be nice to have. Another is that I've been pretty lonely these last few days. What harm could one companion bring?
"Well... alright. But on one condition."
She looked happy for a second, but stopped in skepticism. "What is it?"
"Bring me some food. I could eat, like, seven whales right now."
~Half an Hour Later~
Having made a decent distance from the town, I was now waiting for Lyra to finish gathering supplies and get back to me.
Out of boredom, I went over everything that had happened in my head while staring at the night sky. I found the whole train escapade to be the most exciting part. Minus the "being smacked into the roof of a tunnel" thing.
What an interesting five days to have. I wonder what's in store for me next. I sincerely hope it involves finding out who I am. Yeah, that would be awfully nice.
After considering this for a while, I spotted Lyra walking towards me from the distance.
"You ready?" I asked when she got to me.
"Yep! I've got all the things you mentioned, except for... most of it."
"And why is that?"
"Ponies aren't meat-eaters," She said. "We don't exactly have stockpiles of 'chicken nuggets' and 'steak'."
"Well, in that case, what did you get instead?"
"Well, I got some celery, broccoli, carrots, apples..."
"Right, so, horse food."
"Well, we are ponies."
"Yeah. Okay, gimme some... celery, I guess, and we'll start walking."
Lyra levitating some celery out of her bag, I grabbed it out of the air and took the map out of my pocket.
"So," I said, taking a bite of the celery and cringing at the taste. "You followed me this whole time? I never saw you while I was walking."
"Oh, I actually took the train. I saw you were following the tracks and decided you might have been headed there."
I stopped walking. "Ah-ha! Now, I know that's a lie. And you wanna know how I know? Because I have this!" I pulled out the train schedule from before and showed it to her.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"The only train to this place still hasn't left! Back when I was in Ponyville, there was still a week to go before that little journey started."
"...George, what day do you think it is?"
"July 13th, why?"
Lyra brought her hoof to her face. "You can't be serious... No, it's the 24th of August. What made you think it was July?"
"...Uh, I'm not sure, actually. I guess I just kinda assumed it was that day."
"Well, that explains your confusion, then. This schedule doesn't even say the month it's for, for whatever reason. But the day the train to Appleloosa left was the same day you left Ponyville. I figured you just followed the tracks since it wouldn't be particularly easy for you to get a train ticket."
"Oh. Alright, then. Sorry for accusing you of lying, I guess."
"Well, I don't blame you. Being a human in Equestria, I can't imagine it's easy to find somepony you can trust."
"Yeah. Well, anyway, judging from this map, we're a bit over halfway there. That means maybe around three more days of walking."
"Only three days? That's actually less than I expected."
"Well, I'm only guessing. For all I know, it could be another week."
We continued walking some more, until she asked me a question.
"So, you really can't remember anything about a life before you appeared in Canterlot?"
"Nope."
"Well, you're in pretty formal clothes. Maybe you were a salespony! Er, sales... human?"
"A salesman? I somehow doubt that. By the way, what other food did you get?"
She opened one of her saddlebags and looked inside. "A head of lettuce, a couple potatoes, a can of carrot mush..."
I shuddered at the thought of ever eating carrot mush. "Did you get anything I asked for?"
"Hey, beggars can't be choosers!" she snapped at me. "But... yeah, one thing. I got some rye bread."
"Why the hell am I eating this, then?" I shoved the celery into her bag, grabbed the bread and started eating it like a ravenous dog.
"You just... eat that by itself?" She seemed a bit weirded out by this.
"That's a good question," I replied. "The answer is yes, and don't ask why."
The next few days of walking were only slightly more eventful than the first. During this time, I told Lyra the whole story of everything that had happened to me in the past five or so days. That is, the whole story except for a few details I decided to omit, like the nail-in-the-head thing. I'd rather not divulge into that in front of her.
"Wait," she interrupted me at one point, "So you're saying you're immortal?"
"Yeah. Don't ask for a demonstration, because I've had enough pain in the past few days to last me a lifetime."
"You do realize that's the craziest thing I've ever heard, right?"
"I'll be honest, I really don't care at this point. I just want to get to Anthropia and hopefully figure out who I am, and what the hell happened to me."
The days continued like this for a while. We hiked between some mountains, crossed a bunch of valleys, and various boring stuff like that. It's really nothing you'd be interested in. So, I'm gonna do a little fast-forward here and skip right ahead to the end.
After my exhaustion got to the point where my legs felt like they were made of melting rubber, I'd decided to sit down for a little while and take a breather. I let myself collapse on the grass and looked up at the sky. About mid-day now.
"You alright?" Lyra walked up beside me. "Man, you humans can't walk very far without resting, can you?"
"I'll have you know we're way more adept at walking over long distances than ponies."
"Then how come you're tired and I'm not?"
"I'm not in shape."
Lyra laughed and sat down next to me. "Well, I guess we can rest for a while. My legs are a bit tired too, even if I've got twice as many as you."
"Yeah, brag about your quadruped...ality all you want. I'm just going to lay here for a little while. There's no feasible way I could walk even another meter from here. Every step feels like nails in my feet."
Lyra looked off into the distance, suddenly stood up, and squinted. "Hey, what's that?"
I sat up. "I don't-"
I cut myself off as I saw off in the distance what looked like a huge town surrounded with walls. I couldn't quite make it out, but I saw various houses, and more importantly, a castle.
"Could that be Anthropia?" asked Lyra.
I jumped to my feet. "Hell if I know! Let's go find out for ourselves!" And with that, I bolted off towards the town.
Taking a second to catch up with me, Lyra ran to my side. "So, is running this fast painful for you right now?"
"Oh, you have no idea!"
And yet, I didn't stop until we got there.
~Half an hour later~
Okay, I lied. My legs gave out about three times on our way there. Look, I'm not a god, alright?
...Okay, bad choice of words. But you know what I meant. Anyway, after a good amount of running, walking, stumbling, crawling, resting, and complaining, we finally made it to the place. It's actually somewhat smaller than I thought it would be. Oh well.
Lyra and I approached a closed gate in the walls surrounding the castle, guarded by a sight for sore eyes: two humans, clad in some kind of gold-colored armor.
"Alright, let me handle this," I whispered to Lyra as we walk up to them.
"Halt!" a guard shouted, eyes on Lyra. "You Equestrians are not welcome here!"
"Woah," I said. "Blindsided by xenophobia." The guards' eyes shot to me, and then widened.
"Oh! Sir, my apologies," said a guard. The other promptly threw a lever jutting out of the ground, and the gate opened.
What? Did my accusing them of racism seriously work? Alright, I'm not complaining. I started walking into the town, but one of them stopped me.
"Er, my apologies for asking, Sir, but what are you doing with an Equestrian?"
I thought about this for a moment. I don't think they'll take "she's a tourist" as an answer. Time to wing it.
"She's a personal... guest of mine. I hope it's not too much trouble. She won't be staying long."
The guard hesitated for a moment. "...Very well, sir. Go along."
They both eyed Lyra suspiciously as we went inside, her staying silent until we got in.
"Wow! How did you even do that?!"
"I have no idea. I guess these guys are just really polite to their own kind."
I began to doubt this conclusion, however, as we began walking the streets. In a similar fashion to Ponyville, the streets were lined with various buildings, such as houses, shops, and other facilities. The streets and alleyways were decently populated by a multitude of humans, almost all of them giving us both weird, angry, or confused looks. They whispered various unintelligible things among themselves as we walked past.
"Man, this is so cool!" said Lyra. "I didn't know all humans wore clothes! Is it because you're all mostly hairless?"
"...Yeah, something along those lines. Look, I wouldn't go around asking questions just yet. I'm not sure how well these humans are acquainted with ponies, judging from those guards' reactions to you."
"Oh, fine. Where are we going, then?"
"That castle up there. The leader of this place is the most likely one to have some information on me, no matter how small."
As we approached the castle's gates, we were yet again stopped by two guards, before they suddenly changed their minds again and decided to let us in.
"Ah, my apologies, sir. Go right in." These ones didn't even bother to question Lyra as she followed me inside. Weird.
As we walked down the long, nicely-decorated hall, my current state of affairs finally fully dawned on me.
"My god, we're finally here. I can finally figure out who I am. Well, probably."
I looked down at my tattered suit, my charred pants, and stained shirt, all testaments to what I've been through the past few days. It hasn't felt that long, actually. But it's certainly been fun. So, is this the end of my journey?
"Let's hope so," said Lyra. "I'm pretty curious, too."
Reaching the end of the hall, we were met with a huge pair of doors and two more guards.
Upon getting close enough, one of the guards turned to me. "Have you come to meet with the King?"
"Yes, and I've brought someone else, too, if it's not too much trouble."
The guard looked at Lyra, then back to me. "That is no issue, sir. Go right in, he is not busy."
The guards stepped aside. I walked up and pushed the doors open slowly, gradually greeting me with a view of a large room, a single throne sitting at the back. In it sat a man who was clearly in his older years, his face adorned with a sizable grey beard and a crown on his head. His body was adorned with various robes that the average stereotypical king would wear.
As soon as we locked eyes, he stood up.
"My, my. So I was right."
With this, he began walking towards me. I stepped a single step back, not sure what he was going to do.
To my immense surprise, he stopped in front of me and promptly grabbed me in a hug that I assure you, was a very manly hug.
"Why is this man hugging me? And why does he smell like cheese?" I mentally asked myself.
"I had a feeling you'd show up here soon." He said this upon releasing me, leaving me slightly weirded out, but mostly confused.
I really had no idea what to say at this point, so I simply stood there in confusion, hoping he'd continue on with what he was talking about.
These words echoed in my head over and over. Royal... scientist? I'm his royal scientist? I... what?!
Lyra was almost as surprised as I was. "Royal scientist, huh? Man, you got lucky!"
"Yeah..." That was all I managed to get out.
I quickly composed my thoughts. So, that's it, then. I was this guy's royal scientist. That's one hell of a revelation. I've still got other things to figure out, though.
"So," said the King after a moment of silence, "You've been gone for over a week. Where were you?"
"That's... a good question, but if you don't mind, I'd like to ask some of my own first."
"Yes, of course! What is it?"
"Who, exactly, are you?"
He simply laughed at me. "Oh, I should have expected that. You always were a joker."
"...No, really. I have no idea who you are."
He almost laughed again, but then looked at my face as his own expression changed to a more serious one.
"...Ah. I see." He looked away for a moment, then back to me. "It seems a greater toll was taken on you than I thought. Follow me, I will answer what I can."
He took us into another room with a large, rectangular table, each chair adorned with a very gaudy blanket.
"Please, sit down. Would you like some tea?"
I sat down. "Uh, sure." I don't know what tea tastes like, but I'll try it.
The King looked to Lyra. "And what about the Equestrian? Would you like some tea as well?"
This was the first time he had acknowledged Lyra. "Oh, yes, please," she responded with a nod.
"Very well, I will be right back."
As he left the room, I turned to Lyra. "Well, he's a pretty nice guy, isn't he?"
"Yep. Sounds like a good guy to work for," said Lyra.
"Speaking of working, I wonder what sort of sciencey things I did as the royal scientist." I placed my chin on my hand as I thought about this.
"Maybe you were a mad scientist," joked Lyra. "Like Dr. Flankenstein."
That jolted me slightly. That's a pun of something, but I have no idea what.
"Is there anything in Equestria that doesn't have some kind of horse-based pun in its name?!"
"You're not the first to ask that question," said Lyra, her eyelids weighed down with annoyance. "I've just learned to ignore it."
Soon after, the King returned with a tray holding a teapot and teacups, all of them adorned with designs representing various flowers, including roses, violets, and sunflowers. Pretty.
He set the tea down on the table and sat across from us. I wordlessly took a teacup after Lyra levitated her own to herself. Looking at the steaming, dark brown tea for a second, I carefully took a sip.
"Hmm, that's really good. Wow. What kind of tea is this?"
"Earl Grey," the King replied with a cheerful smile. "It was always your favorite."
"Well, it's the only kind I know, but it's already my favorite again." I took another sip after Lyra had done the same.
I gulped the sip of tea down. "So, about the whole memories thing..."
"Ah, yes," the King replied. "Ask anything you want."
I set the teacup on the table. "Well, let's go back to my first question. Who are you?"
The King set his hands on the table. "Ah, yes, my apologies. I am King Tetesac, ruler of Anthropia."
"King... Titty Sack?"
To my surprise, this mispronounciation of his name caused him to burst into laughter.
He wiped a tear from his eye from laughing so hard. "Hah! That's exactly what you called me when we first met. You haven't changed a bit, Walt."
I almost laughed along with him, but something else caught my attention that needed to be asked about.
"...Walt?"
Tetesac looked to me again, the happy expression now gone. "You've forgotten your own name as well?"
"I've been going by 'George Trestale' for the past few days."
"Well, your real name is, or perhaps, was, Humphrey Walt. Rather elegant sounding, isn't it?"
"'Humphrey Walt'? That's the dumbest name I've ever heard."
Tetesac chuckled. "Yes, you never did like your name. But you were too stubborn to change it. You said it would cause, in your own words, 'shit I don't want to deal with'".
"Well, in that case, I suppose right now would be the best possible time!" I laughed a little, trying to lighten the mood a bit.
"Heh, yes indeed. I will not call you 'Walt' anymore, if that is what you wish."
"Well, I guess I'm kinda used to being called 'George' by this point. Might as well stick with it for now."
"Very well then... George, was it?"
"Yep. George Trestale."
"Right. So, George, are there any other questions you had?"
"Well, I was royal scientist, right?"
"Yes." He twirled his beard around his finger.
"Was I... you know, good?"
Tetesac stopped and straightened. "Good? You were the best in the kingdom, my friend! Perhaps not the world, no, but in our small kingdom you were my absolute best choice, and not only for being exceptionally skilled in your profession."
"Why else, then?"
"You are the single most relatable, sociable, agreeable, well-respected man I've ever met, George. You are the best man in this kingdom. I'd make you King if I could."
...What are you looking at me like that for?
Okay, fine, maybe he didn't say all that. Don't get all on my case on it. It's called "artistic license", guys!
Anyway, back in reality...
"Was I... you know, good?"
"Oh, yes, George, you were very good. Even when I hired you four years ago, you were proficient in various areas of science."
"Well, that's a damn shame, considering the whole amnesia thing."
"Yes, indeed. I wouldn't entirely put that up as a lost cause, however. Your lab has a wide variety of devices. Even I was never entirely sure what all of them did. Perhaps one could help you, after we're done here."
"Cool, we'll get to see your old lab!" said Lyra. "Who knows what cool stuff will be in there?"
Tetesac looked at Lyra longer than the previous times. "Speaking of, George, I have a question of my own."
"Is it about the pony?"
"As perceptive as ever, I see."
"Her name's Lyra Heartstrings. She came with me to this place. She's interested in human culture and stuff, you see. I guess she's kind of a tourist."
Tetesac looked at the both of us for a few seconds before speaking again. "Well," he said, "I can always appreciate someone who wants to learn more about our culture. Perhaps I can organize a tour of the town later."
"Really?! That would be great!" Lyra was clearly ecstatic about this. I was happy for her, but I still had other things to sort out.
"Something I've been wondering for a while is what the hell went on between humans and ponies," I said. "I keep hearing about some attack, or whatnot. What, exactly, happened?"
Lyra turned to me. "You mean the attack on Ponyville three years ago?"
"How should I know?"
Tetesac's expression turned more serious. "Ah... that. I suppose I'm not surprised. It's not a happy tale, I will tell you that."
"Ponies in general seem to be under the impression that humans in general are all about 'death and destruction'. Even Celestia herself was really suspicious of me. I'm guessing it's because of that attack?"
"Oh, you ran into Celestia?" Tetesac was clearly surprised. "How did that go?"
"Not well," I replied, "But that's another subject. What in the hell happened?"
Tetesac sighed. "Well, the basic assertions are true. You see, for a long time we have been on... not-so-stellar terms with Celestia and Luna. Our history is rather fuzzy, but a common belief among the ponies is that we are a destructive race without a moral compass. None of that is true, of course. We are normally rather peaceful, just perhaps more isolationist than other species."
"I knew it!" said Lyra. "Humans really aren't as bad as they say!"
"Yes, the rumors about us are nothing more than that. Now, you see, about three years ago, a similar situation to yours happened. One of our citizens went missing, a teenaged girl named Sandra. A nice girl, she was. Well-liked by the community. Witness reports say she climbed over the wall and ran off, but nothing was confirmed. Not that they aren't allowed to leave the city, but her disappearance was very sudden, and she had always made it rather clear that she wanted to stay here her whole life. Not to mention, us humans being a small population as it is, I take the welfare of each individual citizen very seriously. Thus, I personally took it upon myself to organize search parties. After searching around the vicinity of the town, we soon realized she was nowhere near us. We heard nothing more about it, until a day later when our informants brought us some news. A pony had been murdered, and Sandra was fingered as the culprit. Due to this, she was now 'on the run', so to speak, from law enforcement. Now, I knew Sandra well. There is no feasible way she would kill another being. The concept itself was completely ridiculous. Angered by this needless harassment of the girl, I wrote a letter to Celestia demanding that she be returned to Anthropia unharmed. However, she was stubborn, and instead opted to try capturing and imprisoning Sandra herself.
"Evidently, she was very good at hiding, as we soon recieved a letter from Sandra herself detailing that she was hiding around Ponyville, and that she needed someone to come rescue her. A meek girl, that one. Nonetheless, I sent a small band of volunteers out to retrieve her. It would have been a simple enough ordeal, but another factor got in the way. One of my staff recommended the volunteers use 'extreme prejudice' in finding this girl, as they supposedly 'had no idea what the Equestrians would do'. I assumed he knew best and simply went with what he had said. Unfortunately, this proved to be a mistake.
"A week after this, the band of humans arrived in Ponyville. From the very get-go, their methods were questionable at best. From the reports I recieved, they were bashing down doors, holding ponies at swordpoint, and even burning several buildings down. Naturally, the Equestrian royal guard soon arrived in Ponyville and retaliated. What came afterward was a battle that ended in one singular casualty."
Somehow, I felt like I knew exactly what he was going to say. My stomach churned.
He sighed again. "The one life that was taken was... that of Sandra herself. Evidently, she had actually been hiding in a nearby forest, and after seeing the source of all the commotion, she went into the town to break up the fight. No one knows who dealt the specific blow, but she was inflicted with an accidental stab wound in the middle of the entire conflict. She died on the spot, and in that moment, both sides stopped fighting. The band of humans gathered up her body and left the town, the royal guards not daring to follow.
"A large funeral service was held and paid for by myself and various donators. Many people attended her funeral, even those that did not know her, as a testament against Equestria. If our relations were teetering on the edge before, they fell off with this incident. Celestia indefinitely barred all humans from entering Equestria, while Anthropia's citizens fell into a state of riot as they insisted I do something about the oh-so-dreaded Equestrians. I harbor no personal ill will, but I cannot afford to show much friendliness to them in the current state of things. The entire population has deluded themselves into a state of complete prejudice against ponies, fed by propaganda made by themselves. It's a shame, really. I cannot even do much against it. I need to keep the trust of my citizens. So... as you can see, the entire situation is rather complicated."
The three of us sat in silence, me being the first to say something after about ten seconds.
"My god," I said. "That's... some pretty heavy stuff."
"Yes," said Tetesac. "It is."
I thought it a bit odd for them to make such a big deal out of one singular death, but I couldn't think of a way of saying that without sounding like an insensitive ass.
"I was there during the attack," said Lyra. "I stayed inside most of the time, just like most of the town, so I never did really understand what was going on near the end of things. All I knew was they suddenly stopped fighting and left. I'm... sorry that happened."
"Yes, I still partially blame myself for it. However, the past is the past. My main concerns right now lie elsewhere."
"Where is that?" I asked.
The King hesitated. "I'm afraid I cannot share my royal affairs right now. Soon enough, you will see. But on another note, would you like to see your laboratory now?"
I had almost forgotten about that. "Oh, yeah! Let's go do that."
"Very well then, follow me."
The three of us got up from the table as I gulped down the last of my tea. We followed him down a long corridor, and then down a flight of stairs. After some walking, we reached a door with a sign marked "Walt's Lab". Under the sign was another stating "Stop asking me to add chili powder to my burritos!"
As the king took a keychain out of his pocket, he noticed the sign and laughed.
"Your burritos were always the best, Wal- I mean, George. Those who asked for added chili powder are insane, as far as I'm concerned."
He singled out a key and unlocked the door. He then handed the keychain to me.
"Here," he said. "This belongs to you."
I wordlessly took the keychain and put it in my pocket, then followed Tetesac into the dark room.
"There's a light switch around here somewhere," he said. "Ah, here it is."
As he flicked the lights on, the room was illuminated instantly. What met my eyes was a large room with various tables holding vials, beakers, machinery, and god knows what else. The walls were lined with billboards and pieces of paper. A chalkboard hung on one wall, with some kind of blueprint draped over it. Perhaps the most glaring feature of the room was a huge machine in a corner, part of it covered in what looked like a large coffee stain.
"Dear god," I said, after coming out of the daze from seeing all this. "I made all this stuff?!"
"Well, everything except the tables," joked Tetesac. "You had those mail-ordered."
I was too busy ogling the room to laugh. So many... things. A bookshelf rested in a corner, filled with books about subject matter I probably no longer understand.
"Wow, I can't even begin to guess what any of this stuff is," said Lyra, admiring the room. "I sure hope none of them are doomsday machines."
Tetesac laughed. "Oh, no, nothing of the sort. At least, as far as I know."
He eyed me with some most likely fake suspicion. Not really paying attention to him, I walked to a table and picked up a vial of blue liquid marked "FD Prototype 6".
"Ah, that," said Tetesac, walking over and admiring it himself. "That is the latest iteration of your attempt to create a fruit drink out of blueberries. Personally, I liked the fourth one best, but you insisted it had a metallic flavor. Shame."
I set the vial down. "Was I just the food scientist or something?"
"Oh, no. You simply had a large interest in foods in general. 'Perhaps you should have been a chef after all', I would always say when your experiments failed. Ah, such good times."
I looked, around, crossed my arms, and sighed. "So, this is who I am, then?"
"Yes, it is all true. Is there something wrong?"
"Not really, I just feel relieved after not knowing for, like, a week."
He smiled. "Yes, I can understand that."
After some more silence, he spoke again.
"Ms. Heartstrings, would you mind giving us a minute? I would like to speak to George in private."
"Oh, sure. I'll just wait outside. By myself. Outside the door." She didn't sound too sure of herself, but she left the room anyway.
After we were on our own, Tetesac walked behind the table we were at.
"So," he said, "Are you interested in continuing to serve as my royal scientist?"
"...Weeeeeell, I mean, I'd love to. But I don't know the first thing about science anymore."
"Yes, that's a bit of a problem. But as I said, something here might be able to help you."
I looked around at the various machines. "Do you know how to work any of them?"
"I have a rough estimate of one singular machine, that being the one in the corner over there." He pointed to the coffee-stained monstrosity.
I walked over to it. It looked somewhat like a giant coffee machine in itself, where a person-sized glass capsule sat in the middle.
"What... is this thing?" I almost felt intimidated by it.
"You called it 'The Kevin'. Not a particularly descriptive name, not to mention you never told me why you chose it."
"Looks like a coffee machine."
"You always said that, but I never really saw it. Anyway, in your own words, you stated that this machine had the purpose of being able to imbue magical power into a human being. Namely, a unicorn's magic."
"Really? God, I must have been a genius," I said, looking at the coffee-stained control panel.
"I wouldn't go that far, considering what happened with it."
"What happened?" I felt the power of foreshadowing overcome me.
"A simple accident." A phrase that carried far more meaning than I had thought.
"Er... alright, could you elaborate on that?"
"Well, as I said, this machine has the purpose of transferring the magical abilities of a unicorn to a human being. As we humans have a very limited array of magical abilities, this was a high-priority project for you. And you wanted it completed fast."
"Why is that? Was I in some kind of hurry?"
"Truthfully, I do not know. However, it took you a total of two years to develop, and even now, it is only in its prototype stages. Who knows what state it is in now, after the accident."
"Alright, can we get to the issue of the accident now?"
"Patience, George. This is needed context."
I crossed my arms. "Oh, fine."
"Now, your initial tests of this machine came up as positive. You had tested it on small animals, ones that would not know how to use said magic abilities just in case something went wrong. Eventually, you brought up the courage to test it on yourself."
"Oh. I think I can see where this is going."
"Perhaps not. You see, it turned out to be a success. You emerged from the machine with the powers of an average unicorn. This significantly boosted your popularity among the citizens. They thought you would be able to give our entire race abilities that would allow them to match up to the ponies, in the event of conflict. But you weren't quite satisfied.
"You see, this machine requires the "magical essence", as you called it, of a unicorn to pass to one subject. This can manifest as any part of a unicorn, but you exclusively used hairs. You even sent some of our royal spies out to the Equestrian towns in an attempt to retrieve them. While they found a few over time, they were not easy to come across. What makes it worse was that after one use of the machine, the hairs were rendered useless."
"So... what did I do to solve this issue?"
"You began wondering what would happen if the hair used was not from a unicorn, but rather, an alicorn."
"...Like Celestia?"
"Celestia, Luna, any alicorn. We all knew how limitless their magic seemed, and you just had to get your hands on it. You sent the spies out again to retrieve at least one lock of their hair. Unfortunately, no attempts were successful. None were able to sneak into the castle from any angle, let alone make an attempt at retrieving any hair."
"So, what did I do, then?"
"You became obsessed. You just had to have a lock of their hair, so you said. It was the key to humanity's future. I was beginning to think you had gone insane."
"...Sheesh. I'd think that too."
"However, you didn't quite go off the deep end for one good reason. You eventually decided on the old adage that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
"At least, along with some help. I convinced Celestia to meet with me in my castle on the basis of 'mending our relations'. During our meeting, you appeared, disguised as an assassin. Pulling out a knife, you took a swipe at Celestia behind her back, aiming only for her hair. But, to the surprise of you and myself, the knife did not cut. It simply pushed the hair out of the way, it shortly returning to its eternal waving state. I must say, I felt quite sorry for you as you stood there while Celestia turned around."
I laughed a little. "Oh god, what did I do to rectify that situation?"
"You looked from her to your knife a few times, and then dropped it while slowly backing away. She then encased you in a bubble. Me and my guards were forced to 'capture' you, and place you in a cell until she left. Not after she voiced her own suspicions that I myself had planned an attack on her, however. I suppose she was right in a way, but I wouldn't say that really counts, you know?" He laughed a little, too.
"Heh, yeah. So, another failed attempt at getting some hair?"
"That's what we thought. However, as I came back to clean up the tea I had brought, I noticed something on her seat. A single long, rainbow colored hair, clearly from her mane."
"Seriously? Did I manage to cut one off after all, then?"
"That's what I had thought, but your examination of it later on revealed that it was a full hair. Perhaps we were simply lucky enough for one to fall off during her visit. Or perhaps it was the stress of the situation. We may never know. Not that you cared."
"Yeah, I was probably awfully excited that I had it in the first place, right?"
"Unhealthily so. Your obsession was not entirely quelled when you finally recieved the hair. You just had to test it, so you called me down to your lab. You were in bad shape, George. You had clearly been up for days. You were shaking at every second, while downing a gulp of coffee at every other. Various puddles of coffee laid on the floor. If you were in your right mind, you would have wiped them up. You were too caught up in what you were doing. I voiced my own concerns, but you were adamant. You had to test it there and now.
"You placed the hair in a compartment on the machine, and went to select a test subject, when an idea crossed your mind. I remember the exact moment your eyes changed. Even I could tell what you were thinking. I told you repeatedly that it was a terrible idea, how dangerous it was, but you didn't care. You were going to test it on yourself. Coffee still in hand, you made a dart for the machine."
"...Oh, jeez."
"You have figured it out, I see. Yes, you slipped on a puddle of coffee, propelling yourself into the machine while your own cup impacted with the control panel. Sparks flying from the machine, it quickly locked you in as you righted yourself inside. You almost panicked, but you suddenly stopped as a disturbingly huge grin formed on your face. You said something I couldn't hear, and then a flash of light filled the room. When I regained my vision, you were gone without one singular trace."
I stood up. "So that's what happened to me? I went insane and tripped into my own machine?!"
A grin formed on his face. "Rather embarassing, isn't it?"
"You have no idea!"
After a brief moment of silence, we both exploded in laughter at the exact same time. I'm still not entirely sure why, but it seemed appropriate at the time.
"Oh god," - I wiped a tear from my eye - "How goddamn anticlimactic."
"Well," said Tetesac, not bothering to wipe his own tears. "That is life."
After a moment of silence, he spoke again.
"I'll leave you to think about the whole thing. Make sure to consider my proposal as well. Take all the time you need, days, even. I can show you where your house is, if need be."
"Oh, sure, that would be great. Just let me sit down for a bit and consider some things."
"Yes, of course."
A moment after he left the room, Lyra walked back in. I sat on a nearby chair.
She walked up to me. "So, did you figure out what happened to you?"
After explaining the events that the seemed to be the ultimate cause for everything that's happened until now, Lyra's immediate response was, unsurprisingly, a decently long burst of laughter.
"Are you kidding me?!" she said, "That's amazing!"
"Amazingly stupid, maybe."
I stood up and stepped back to admire the giant machine that had caused all this ridiculousness. Lyra walked up next to me, eyeing the coffee-stained control panel.
I walked over to get a closer look at it. "I gotta wonder, though, if this still works after that whole thing."
"Well, why don't you try it out, then?"
The control panel consisted of a large screen and a keyboard. Pressing a red button to the right of the screen, the machine began emanating a whirring noise as the screen flickered on. The word "K.E.V.I.N" appeared at the top, white letters on a pure black background. A password prompt was blinking below it.
I turned to Lyra. "Well, this puts a downer on things."
"What happened?"
"I need a password to use it. A password I, myself, probably set."
"...Oh. That is a problem."
I looked around. "Maybe there's something in here I wrote it on. Like, a journal or something."
However, before I could start looking, Tetesac walked back into the room.
"George, it is getting a bit late in the day. Would you like me to show you where your house is?"
"Oh!" I hadn't thought about that. "Sure, one thing though. Do you know what I set the password for this thing as?"
"I'm afraid not," he said, walking up beside me. "I generally tried not to intrude in your privacy."
"Well, that's a bit disappointing. I guess I'll figure that out later."
"Yes, you will have the entire day tomorrow to get everything straight."
Lyra piped up. "And start the tour, right?"
"Yes, and start the tour," Tetesac said, one side of his mouth curled up in a smirk.
On the way to my house, I took the opportunity to ask Tetesac some more questions.
"So, what was I like before I got memory wiped?"
"Largely the same as you are now, as far as I can tell," said Tetesac, looking away. "Sarcastic, lively, but reserved. You do seem calmer, though. Not to mention, less... driven to madness."
"Right. Anything else about me?"
"Well, let's see... You're 26 years old, your birthday is the tenth of October, and your favorite color is green. For some reason, you take pride in the fact that you wear glasses. I can't imagine that as much now," he said, eyeing my cracked lens.
"Oh, speaking of," said Lyra. "Let me help you with those."
The glasses levitated off my face and bent back into normal shape, as the cracks on the lenses disappeared. I stopped walking, cuing the other two to do the same, and I grabbed them out of midair. They looked brand-new.
I put the glasses back on and looked around. "God damn, Lyra! Pony magic really is something, isn't it?"
Tetesac seemed to cringe at this comment. Not paying much mind to it, I started walking again and tried to think of another conversation topic.
"So," I finally said, "Was I well-known or something here? Those guards were pretty keen on letting us in when they saw me."
"Oh, yes," said Tetesac, looking at me over his shoulder. "I held you in rather high status. Over time, I ended up giving you a good few privileges that the average citizen didn't have."
"Really? What made me, of all people, so special?"
"Well, aside from you being quite good at your job, the two of us were also good friends. I may have had a hand in garnering some respect for you from the general population."
"Huh. Well, I'm sure as hell not complaining."
We were out on the streets now, each of them illuminated by a multitude of streetlights. After some more walking, we found ourselves in a small neighborhood. Lyra and I admired the various houses as we walked, noticing that some people were staring out their windows at us.
"Ah, here we are." Tetesac stepped off to the side, and silently waved his arm towards the house we were now standing in front of. "I believe you have your keychain, yes?"
I walked up to the door with the keychain and singled out a key, as if out of pure instinct. I shoved it into the lock and turned, unlocking the door. Slowly, I opened it, revealing... complete darkness.
Looking back at them, I walked into the house, looking for a light switch. After some feeling around, I found a switch and flicked it. The house suddenly illuminated, revealing what actually seemed like a pretty normal living room. There was a large bookshelf made of some sort of dark brown wood, taking up most of its adjacent wall. A couch sat in the corner, with a single potted plant placed next to it. A green rug sat in the middle of the ragged carpet that made up the floor. It all felt very homely.
"Huh," I said, admiring the room. "Nice place I've got here."
Tetesac and Lyra walked in, also looking around. "Yes," said Tetesac, "It's rather cozy, isn't it?"
Not answering him, I went over to the bookshelf and pulled out a random book.
"Not As Evil, by... Humphrey Walt. I wrote a book?"
"Ah... yes." Tetesac walked up to me, looking amused. "That was your first and only attempt at publishing a fiction book. I can't say it went well."
"Why is that?"
"To be very blunt, the book flopped. Very few people liked it. You always claimed they just 'didn't understand the premise'."
"Huh. I've gotta read this myself sometime."
"I suppose that would help in giving you a more objective view of your own writing. See, there's one good thing that came out of this!"
At this point, Lyra walked closer to the bookshelf and levitated a different book in front of herself, looking confused.
"Atrocities of the Equestrians, by Joan Ritter."
"Oh. Her." Tetesac knew of this author, apparently.
"What? Do you know the author?" asked Lyra.
"Yes, an elderly woman. She's a well-known author here, though I personally view her more as a propaganda artist. You wouldn't believe the sort of lies she cooks up."
"Like what?" I asked, my attention now fully on the book. I was awfully curious about this, for some reason.
"Oh, the various stereotypical ideas. Earth ponies eating our babies, unicorns using black magic on our kind, things of that matter. It's really nothing you'd want to read about, unless you felt like making yourself irrationally angry."
I placed my own book back on the shelf. "Looks like ponies really are looked down upon here. Like, even more than I thought."
"Yes, indeed," said Tetesac. "If you weren't who you are, I wouldn't be surprised if you were publicly stoned by the townsfolk for bringing a pony here." He followed this sentence with a very contradictory laugh. "That is a joke, of course. Not many believe the writings of Ms. Ritter. Most are simply afraid of the ponies. I can't say that means bringing Ms. Heartstrings here was a perfectly safe idea, but I doubt anyone would have done anything to the two of you."
"Have you ever considered doing something about the prejudice towards us Equestrians?" asked Lyra.
"Well... Yes, I would very much like to, but I'm currently in no position for it. My main concern is keeping my people's hopes high. I can't afford to complicate that by attempting to change one of their most common beliefs, at least not right now."
"What, is something big planned?" I asked.
Tetesac seemed momentarily shocked by this question. "Wh- Ah, no. Of course not. I just need to wait for the right time. And speaking of time, it's getting late, isn't it? I should be heading home. Royal duties, and all that."
"...Right. Alright, I'll probably go to bed soon, too."
"Wait," said Lyra, "Where am I going to stay, then?"
"My assumption would be that you'd stay with George," said Tetesac, "That is, if you're both alright with that."
"I'm fine with it," I said, shrugging. "You fine, Lyra?"
"Yeah, sure!" Lyra seemed rather enthusiastic about staying here. Oh well.
"It's settled, then," said Tetesac. "I'll come back here in the morning, and we can discuss more about getting your memories back."
I silently waved to Tetesac as he left through the front door and shut it behind him.
I walked over to the couch and plopped myself down onto it. "He's nice, isn't he?"
Lyra walked over to me. "Yeah, stereotypically nice. It's almost creepy."
After Lyra and I finished discussing King Tetesac, the both of us elected to take a little tour of the rest of the house. Walking out of the living room, we found ourselves in a kitchen with a staircase leading upstairs to the right. My mind elsewhere, I walked over to the fridge and opened it. What met my eyes at that point could only be described as a utopia of food and drink, all sorts of delicious-looking delectables shoved into every possible corner of the fridge.
It then occurred to me that I was very hungry.
I promptly grabbed the first thing I could reach, that being an uncooked T-bone steak wrapped in plastic. Walking away from the fridge and shutting its door, I waltzed over to the nearest counter and dropped the steak onto it with a loud THUNK.
Lyra walked up next to me. "Is that a steak?"
"Yes. Yes it is."
"You know how to cook that?"
I took a step back and stared the steak down. "You know, I have no idea."
Contradictory to what I had just said, however, I promptly went to a nearby cupboard and pulled out a large cast-iron pan. My arm nearly buckling under its weight, I slammed it onto the stove and turned on the heat. I rushed towards the fridge and pulled the door open, grabbing a stick of butter out of the door as if I had always known where it was. I grabbed a knife and cut off a one-centimeter thick square and dropped that in the pan, swirling it around to let it melt. I then unwrapped the steak, grabbed the salt and pepper shakers that happened to be resting by the stove, and sort of went to town on the slab of meat on my counter. I made sure I had a thoroughly even coating of salt and pepper, and then I grabbed the steak and dropped it into the pan, the smell of sizzling meat entering my nostrils.
"Mm-mm-mm! That smells god damned delicious!" I said, fanning the steam rising from the steak towards myself.
Lyra, on the other hand, was holding her nose. "Are you serious? It smells like a burning corpse."
"Well, I might have some celery or something in the fridge. You're free to eat as much of that as you want to, believe me. I, on the other hand, am about to enjoy a dinner of the gods."
As Lyra walked back to the fridge, I heard her ask me something. "You sure seemed like you knew exactly how to cook that, though."
...Huh. She's right, isn't she? "Yeah, you're right. That's weird, isn't it? It was like... instinct, or something."
~ Approximately 40 Minutes Later ~
"Oh, lord have mercy on my soul, for I have sinned..."
I leaned back in my chair, nothing left on my plate except for a T-shaped bone and my own dignity.
"...You're kinda weird, you know that?"
I looked over at Lyra. "I pity you, that you will never know the true deliciousness of a good steak."
"I think I'm fine with that," said Lyra, who had finished her own dinner of all the celery and lettuce I owned ten minutes ago. "I gotta say, though, for someone who looks like they're made out of toothpicks, you sure can pack away a lot of food."
"Yeah... I feel like I won't have to eat again for an entire week."
I got up from my chair and pushed it in. "Sleeping, though, I could definitely go and do that."
I started walking toward the stairs when Lyra stopped me. "Wait, so where am I gonna sleep?"
"I don't know, maybe I have a guest room or something. Let's go upstairs and check."
Dragging myself up the stairs, feeling immensely weighed down by my stomach full of seared cow flesh, I pulled myself to the top. On my left was a hallway that seemed to stretch about 15 feet, two doors on each wall. I opened the one I was closest to, revealing a bathroom.
"Well, that'll be usef-HOLYSHITINEEDTOGETINTHERE." I dashed into the bathroom, slammed the door and locked it. Remembering Lyra was still in the hallway, I called out to her.
"Hey, uh, Lyra? I might be a while, you can go look around for yourself if you want."
"...Alright. Out of curiosity, when was the last time you used a restroom?"
"What kind of a question is that? Just go look for a guest room or something!"
After some time (I'll spare you the details), I exited the bathroom to find an empty hallway. I guess Lyra found a guest room, or something. I went back into the bathroom, this time to pay more attention to the aesthetics. It was nice, the walls painted a beige color. Feeling explorative again, I opened a medicine cabinet to find... not much, actually. A can of shaving cream, some cologne, and a small unmarked jar containing some sort of plant matter I didn't recognize. Curious, I took the jar out of the cabinet and tried to get a closer look at the plant matter. It was green, almost some sort of nugget, or something along those lines. It was covered in what appeared to be very fine crystals of some kind. Wait, I think I recognize this...
At that moment, Lyra walked back in front of the entrance to the bathroom. "You done yet? I... why are you holding a jar of happy flower?"
"What the hell is happy flower?"
Lyra sighed and levitated the jar out of my hands. "It's... oh, never mind, I don't want to bother explaining it right now."
I snatched it out of the air. "Oh, wait, yeah, I remember now." Laughing awkwardly, I put the jar back into the cabinet and shut it. "Can't say I've heard it being called "happy flower", though."
"Well, anyway, if you're done looking like an addict, I found what I think might be the guest room." I wordlessly followed Lyra out into the hallway as she led me to the second door on the left. It was already open, showing me a rather plainly covered room with beige walls, with a closet, and a brown bed with two nightstands.
"This does look pretty guest room-ish. How do you know this isn't just my room, though?"
"Open the door behind you."
I turned around, met with a door exactly the same as the guest room one. I opened the door, and in an instant I knew this had to be my room. Why, it was perfect. It was everything I could wish for in a room. It... was exactly the same as the guest room, except with a bookshelf against the wall and a pinball machine in the corner.
"Damn, son. Yeah, this is definitely my room. I feel zen in here."
Lyra gave me a strange look. "...Yeah. Well, I'm gonna go to sleep. Don't keep me up all night by playing pinball."
"Oh, please, I'm not that inconsiderate!" I laughed, waving her off into her own room. Now then, to look around some more. I immediately went over to the closet and opened it. While it was dark in there, I could tell it was a walk-in. I flicked on a switch that was on the wall, and looked back into the closet.
"OH SHIT, SON!"
~ 30 Minutes Later ~
Still absorbed in the arcade machine I had found in my closet, I heard a banging on my door.
"Goddammit, how do I pause this?"
Just as I said that, however, Pac-Human met his demise at the non-existent hands of a ghost. Sighing, I went over to my room's door and opened it, showing, obviously, Lyra.
She rubbed one of her eyes. "I thought you said you weren't going to keep me up all night."
"...Technically, I said I wouldn't do that by playing pinball. I never said anything about Pac-Human."
"Wh- Pac-Human? What, is that like Pac-Pony?"
"I don't know. Yours is probably a ripoff, if so."
"I doubt that, I mean it came out in- Wait, what am I doing? We're supposed to be at the castle tomorrow, George! It's like, one in the morning now, and I'd really like to get some sleep!"
"Oh, fiiiiiiiine," I said, adopting a stereotypically lethargic look. I gave an overly dramatic yawn. "I guess I'm tired too."
"Good." Lyra went back into her room and shut the door.
Closing my own, I spent about five minutes looking for pajamas, changed into them and got into bed. I clapped twice, causing the lights to turn off.
Wait, how did I know how to do that?
I clapped twice again and the lights turned on again. Huh. Well, that's convenient. I clapped two more times, shutting the lights off again. My room was now illuminated only by the clear image of the moon through the window. I laid down again and pulled the covers over myself.
"Maybe this whole memory restoration thing won't be too hard," I said to no one in particular. And then I fell asleep.
I dreamed a good many things, most of them not lasting long enough for me to remember. I saw images of people, people I didn't recognize, and some that I did. All of them familiar in some way that I couldn't put my finger on. I saw the K.E.V.I.N, without the coffee stain on its control panel. But perhaps the most notable part of that dream sequence happened as follows.
I was lying in a field, back in Equestria. It was nighttime, the moon in the center of the sky among the stars.
"Man, that is beautiful," I said to myself.
"I must agree," a voice replied.
"WOAHOLYSHI-" I jumped to my feet and snapped around, seeing myself face to face with a large pony of dark-blue color. Her mane looked as if it was made out of the sky itself, and she wore some sorts of jewelry or whatnot reminiscent of Celestia's.
She spoke first. "Greetings, Human."
It took me a second to reply. "Ah, oh, right. Hello. My name is-"
"George Trestale?" She had a serious expression on her face, but her head was tilted in what seemed like curiosity.
"...Yeah, actually. How'd you know?"
"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Princess Luna, guardian of the night. I preside over the ponies' dreams, sometimes giving them guidance in their personal dilemmas."
I quickly looked around. "I'm dreaming this?"
"Yes, you are. At the moment, you are completely safe in whatever location you happen to be at the moment."
"Wait, so did you, like, read my mind or something?"
"Oh, no. I simply learned of you from my sister. The two of you have met, I believe?"
Sister? Wait, "Princess"...
"...Celestia?"
"Yes, we are the two rulers of this land. You have given her quite some trouble, I've been told."
"Hey, I don't like being held in a cell under false pretenses, alright? I'll escape if I goddamn please, thank you."
She held up a hoof. "There is no reason you should worry about that. Sister is aware that you must have made it to Anthropia by now. She called off the search a good while ago."
I put my hand to my chin. "Why are you here, then?"
She looked away for a moment. "I... have a request."
"Is that so? Alright, shoot."
She looked back to me. "I want you to convince King Tetesac to sign a treaty with Equestria."
I stepped back. She wants me to do what, now?!
"Allow me to explain. There has been an unnecessary feud between the two races for a long time. The fact is, it needs to stop. There is no reason for it. It can only bring pain to anyone involved."
"What, does Celestia not see that or something?"
"Sister sees it as clearly as I do. However, her attempts to make a treaty with Tetesac have always failed. No matter how she words her requests, Tetesac refuses to agree to anything. But it is different now."
"Different, how?"
"I have entered the minds of many humans in an attempt to convince them that their preconceived notions against us are false, to no avail. But you are different. You have a different impression of us, do you not?"
"...I wouldn't entirely say that, given the whole imprisonment thing."
"Did you not become friends with a certain Lyra Heartstrings?"
Oh. Yeah.
"Well, yeah, but that's just one pony. I've had a bunch of others come after me other than Celestia!"
"What about the two ponies called Rainbow Dash and Applejack? They let you leave, even when you were trespassing in a land humans are not permitted to enter."
"Okay, fine, so three. To be fair, though, the blue one did try to kick me in the head."
"Trestale, regardless of your opinion on a few ponies, I want you to tell me. What is your opinion of the Equestrian race as a whole?"
I fidgeted a bit and crossed my arms. "...I guess they're alright."
Luna smiled. "Then please, do us this good deed. I am sure Celestia will have a different opinion of you, even if you at least try."
"Alright, alright, you don't gotta convince me twice. I'll talk with Tetesac. I gotta warn you, though, he's pretty hard-set on the whole 'no association with Equestria' thing."
"You are the closest one we know of to the King. I have faith that you could convince him."
"Well, if you say so." I crossed my arms and turned away. Thinking a bit, I turned back to ask something else, but she was gone.
"Oh, sure!" I yelled. "Just disappear right when I'm gonna ask you something! Yeah, you're real good at this dream stuff!"
I awoke with a start. Sitting up in my bed as fast as humanly possible, the first thing my mind went to was the dream I just had. It felt as if my dream had transitioned directly into reality, almost like they were one and the same. Let's see, what was my dream about again? A Princess... something about King Tetesac...
Oh, right. I was supposed to convince Tetesac to make peace with the ponies. That is, if this "Princess Luna" is actually, you know, real. I don't know much about dream prophecies, but now that I'm awake, the task at hand feels even less possible. I looked behind me, noticing through the now illuminated blinds that sunlight was shining into my room. I guess it's morning. I shuffled myself to the end of my bed and let out a yawn. I got onto my feet and promptly fell onto my face.
"Ugh... Fuff." Taking my face out of the carpet, I immediately noticed that I couldn't feel my left leg. Great, just what I needed to wake up to. I grabbed my leg and shook it around, trying to restore circulation. Soon enough, some feeling returned to my leg, accompanied with the sensation of a bunch of needles in my skin.
"Ow. Ow ow ow," I said, getting back up on my feet again. I shook around my leg some more. "Stupid leg, you have one job and that's to walk. I expect you to do it."
I instinctively went to the nightstand for my glasses, but realized they were on the floor, at the face-impact zone. Guess I was too tired to remember to take them off when I went to bed. I looked at the wall across from the bed and noticed an analogue clock, in a circular wooden frame covered in swirly engravings.
"Let's see, looks like the time's around... three. That's about- Wait, WHAT?"
Wait, maybe that's 3 AM... but wait, no, it's light outside. Aw, shit. I dove back onto my bed and re-made the covers, and then dashed into the closet to look for clothes.
"Why didn't Lyra wake me?! Is she even still here?" I asked myself out loud, rummaging through the clothes. I found a set of clothes exactly matching the now-tattered ones I had been wearing before, which, at the moment, are snugly fit into a trashcan. Looking up, I saw a tie rack, holding nothing but red ties, differing only in pattern styles.
"...I must really be a fan of this type of dress." After looking around some more, I noticed a singular sky blue tie on the floor. I grabbed it and ran out of my room holding the full set of clothes. I threw them into the bathroom at a speed that I'm surprised didn't cause a sonic boom, and jumped in front of Lyra's door. I started continuously knocking, not stopping even after she opened the door.
"Ugh... what is it?" she said, rubbing her right eye.
"It's like 3 PM, Lyra! How in the actual fuck did we sleep in that long?!"
"Wuh... 3 PM? You're telling me we slept for fourteen hours?"
"Apparently! The King must have already came and knocked on our door! Who knows how long we've kept him waiting?! We've gotta get to the castle and, I don't know, apologize, or something! But, man, I've still gotta take a shower, and-"
She cut me off. "Hold on. Come in here for a second."
"Uh, okay." I walked into her room. As I did so, she pointed at a wall. Following her hoof, I saw there was a clock in her room very much like mine, except it was telling us that the time was about 8:20. I watched the second hand tick over to 8:21.
"Uh... what?"
"I think your clock's broken."
I went out of Lyra's room and back into mine. Lyra followed me in. I ran up to the clock on the wall to get a better look at it, the most apparent aspect of it being that the second hand wasn't moving.
"Oh, you've gotta be frickin' kidding me. Why would I have a clock that doesn't work?"
"Heck if I know," said Lyra. "Look on the bright side, though. You make a decent alarm clock."
I looked at her for a moment before responding. "Yeah, ha-ha. Lemme just go un-invent alarm clocks so I can get paid to do it."
I walked past her and into the bathroom to take a shower. Before turning on the water, I took a moment to really look at myself in the mirror. My face was noticeably dirty in some areas, and I had a good amount of hair growing out of my chin and upper lip. Man, facial hair does not look good on me. I undressed myself, revealing my arms, legs and torso were also a bit dirty in some areas. I also found out I stunk like a sweaty dog. I guess that's what happens when you don't shower for a week. I felt my hair, which was noticeably oily and matted. Yeah, this is gonna be a long shower. I turned the water on as hot as I could stand it, and jumped in.
~ 45 Minutes Later ~
I walked down the stairs, now fully dressed in an ensemble almost identical to what I was wearing yesterday. My face was now clean-shaven, I smelled like cologne, and my hair was... well, same as usual, except clean. As I reached the bottom step, I noticed Lyra at the breakfast table, eating a bowl of cereal. A cereal box sat on the table, reading "Bran Flakes". What a generic name.
Lyra looked to me as I walked over to the table. "Well, you look a heck of a lot better than you did yesterday. You look less ape-y."
"That's not even a word," I said, sitting down across from her. "But yes, I do look better."
"I see you're wearing the same clothes."
"Ah, nope." I lifted up my tie for Lyra to notice. "Blue tie, see? I was feeling adventurous."
Lyra gave an unimpressed "Uh-huh", and continued eating her flakes of bran.
"So, uh," I said, trying to keep a silence from growing. "When do you think Tetesac will be here? He didn't give us a specific time, did he?"
"Nope. No idea," said Lyra. But right as she shoved another spoonful of bran flakes into her mouth, I heard a series of exactly three knocks come from the living room. I jumped up from my chair, almost knocking it over.
"Sounds like that's him!" I went over to the front door and opened it, revealing that, rather than King Tetesac, there was a man I did not recognize standing in front of my door. He was a noticeably elderly man, looking like he was in his mid-eighties. His hair was long and completely grey, and he wore a blue shirt that was tucked into a pair of beige pants that looked like they were on too tight. One of his eyes was looking at me, but the other was off facing to his left. A long beard hung off his chin that really drove home the point of "I am extremely old".
"Uh... Hi. Is there something you need?" I asked. I'd never seen this man before, but he looked like he'd gone senile at age 20.
Suddenly, he started dancing around. "Hoo BOY! I told 'em, yes I did! I told 'em that y'all would come right on back, and lookee here! Yer alive and well! HAH! Take that, Powell! Now I'm 'bout ta be a hundred dollars richer! RIP-A-DEE-DOO!"
As I stood there in complete confusion as to what the hell I was seeing, Lyra walked up to me. The old man was still dancing around and shouting unintelligible things to himself.
"...I don't think that's the King," said Lyra.
Suddenly, the man stopped and turned to Lyra. "Oh-HO! Yeah, I what's goin' on here! Can't keep a thing from Jack Musket's eyes! Y'all convinced her, didn't ya, Walty?"
I couldn't really think of a response. "I... what?"
"Wee-HOO! I knowed it was gonna happen! Oh, boy did I! Oh boy, old Musket can't wait! Y'all are gonna get it, missy! Countin' on ya, Walt!" The man took off, running at a speed a man his age shouldn't be capable of. Lyra and I stood there in equal states of dumbfoundedness.
The first thing that was said to break the silence came from Lyra. "What the heck was that?"
"I don't know," I said. "I'm a little scared now."
I still saw the old man running into the distance. While watching him, I noticed Tetesac heading towards my house. The old man bumped into Tetesac for a second, shouted something unintelligible, and then ran off into an alleyway. Tetesac stopped for a second, then started walking towards my house again at an accelerated rate. After about half a minute, he reached us.
"Hello, George. Ms. Heartstrings," he said, breathing a bit heavily. "How are you two doing?"
"Fine," I said. "A bit weirded out. Who was that old guy?"
"...Oh, you met him? What did he say?" He looked noticeably concerned.
"Something about knowing I'd come back, something about me convincing someone, and something about Lyra 'getting it'."
"Ah." He slowly stroked his beard. "Well, that was Jack Musket, or 'Old Man Musket', as he is more commonly referred to. He has a habit for rambling about things no one knows about. I suspect not even he knows what he is talking about."
Lyra piped up. "I think he was being awfully specific for not knowing what he's talking about."
"Well, that's just how he is. Perhaps he was deliberately trying to confuse you, as a prank. I recommend not giving any heed to what he tells you."
I wasn't too sure of what he was saying, but I kept my mouth shut anyway.
The three of us strolled back into the living room, me still trying to make sense of the things that old man had said to me. I went over to the couch and sat down rather suddenly. Lyra followed and sat next to me.
"So," said Tetesac, walking over to us. "To start off some sort of conversation, how was your night?"
"Fairly normal," I said, "Nothing particularly noteworthy about it." I thought about mentioning what Princess Luna had told to me, but I decided to put that off for now.
"What about when you practically made love to that steak?" noted Lyra, with a dumb grin on her face.
Noticing Tetesac's look of confusion, I was quick to clarify what she meant. "I cooked a steak last night and ate it. It just happened to be really good."
To my surprise, his face grew even more confused. "As in, the steak you had stored in your refrigerator?"
"Yeah, what about it?"
"You told me that steak was the seventh result of your attempts to grow synthetic meat. You noted that it was the best attempt you had made so far, although you still hadn't managed to perfectly replicate it yet."
"Synthetic meat?" I said, "Oh god. I ate that? Why would I make synthetic meat?!"
"You were always rather fond of steak, but cows being sentient beings, you hardly ever had the opportunity to obtain one."
Lyra quickly interjected here. "Wait, steak comes from cows?! Jeez, I'm glad I didn't learn that until after finding out that steak wasn't a real steak..." She looked a bit sick to her stomach.
"Sorry, I had no idea," I said. I wasn't quite sure what else to say to that, so I turned back to Tetesac. "So, I ate one of my experiments?"
Tetesac laughed. "It seems so. You told me you were not going to eat it for fear it might kill you. It seems like that didn't happen."
"What the hell?" I said, bewildered, "That thing could have killed me? Why would I keep that in my fridge?"
"Well, to be fair," said Lyra, "That probably wouldn't have been a problem for you, what with the whole immortality thing."
I stared at her blankly for a second, then laughed. "Oh yeeeeeeah! I completely forgot about that!"
Tetesac's demeanor suddenly changed to a more serious one. "...Immortality?"
Whoops. Looks like we spilled the beans on that. I shifted in my seat.
"Ah... right, I may have forgotten to mention-"
"Oh, no, it's alright. I figured that part was a given anyway," said Tetesac.
"A given? What do you mean?"
"A form of immortality was given to all of the subjects you tested with the strand of Celestia's hair. It makes sense that you would gain it as well. It was a form of immortality that centered around practically instant flesh regeneration. However, in them, it only lasted a mere six to seven days. A being of your size, one would think it would have lasted even less time..." Tetesac began pacing around the room.
"Hold on, what?" I said, standing up. "What are you talking about?"
"During your experiments, one thing you told me that was the larger a being was when you transferred the hair's power to it, the faster it lost the power."
While that was fascinating, my attention was more drawn to the part about me testing the hair on several subjects. I feel like that doesn't quite match up with something he told me before, but I'd better not say anything until I remember what it is.
"So... You're saying I may have lost my immortality by now?"
"It's possible. There's only one way to find out, really."
I thought this over. "...Oh, god damn it. Okay, fine." I got up off the nightstand and went into the kitchen.
"Where are you going?" asked Tetesac, craning his head to see what I was doing.
"One moment!" I came out of the kitchen with a knife, holding it pointed towards my own arm. My sleeve was pulled back, leaving my forearm completely vulnerable to the knife's blade.
"Oh dear, George. You don't need to do that-"
But I didn't care, I wanted to find this out now. I poked the knife about a centimeter down into the skin of my arm and pulled it out again. I instantly dropped the knife, clutched my arm and started stamping the ground with my foot. "Holy shit, that hurts! And I tried to not make as big of a wound this time..."
It took me a second to notice that Lyra and Tetesac were looking at me rather expectantly. I looked down at my own arm and removed my hand, and what met my eyes was...
...The cut from the knife, still in my arm and still bleeding profusely. I looked at my other hand, noticing that it was covered in blood. Shit.
"Well, I suppose that settles that, then," said Tetesac. "I was going to suggest that you simply scan yourself with the KEVIN, but I suppose this option provides far more instant results."
"Yeah..." I was still looking down at my arm, stunned. I had kinda gotten used to not being able to die. I suddenly felt far more vulnerable than before. It was as if anything in the environment could jump out and kill me at any moment.
"Okay, I'm just gonna... go upstairs and wash my hands." Not waiting for a reply, I quickly dashed up the staircase, a firm grip on the handrail. I leaped into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I turned on the sink and scrubbed the blood off my hand and arm, some of it having already dried on. I searched in the medicine cabinet, found some gauze, and wrapped my arm in it, covering up the cut. I pulled my sleeve back down over it. There, good as new.
Before leaving, I took a second to look at myself in the mirror.
"I guess I'm only human," I said to myself. "No reason for me to have immortality when no one else does."
I was lying to myself, of course. I wished I was still immortal. But I can't bother worrying about something I can't change. I shut the medicine cabinet and left the bathroom. Noticing that my undershirt was stained with some blood, I sighed and went into my room to change into a new one real quick. The room now had a more somber feel to it, as if some of the color had been sucked out.
I dragged myself over to my closet and opened it. I quickly found a shirt and changed into it, throwing the stained one into the corner. Maybe I'll bleach it later or something. I went over to the window and sat on my nightstand, looking out onto the streets of the town. I guess I'm just a human now, right? It was a pretty stupid thing to call myself a god just because I was immortal.
I got up off the nightstand and walked to the other end of the room. "God, I'm so stupid! Calling myself a god when I barely knew anything about myself..."
In an attempt to calm myself down so I could think more clearly, I took the clock down off the wall to try and fix it. As soon as I touched the back of it, it launched out of my hands, hitting my nightstand. The nightstand banged against the wall and fell forwards, the lamp resting on top falling onto the floor and shattering. The clock, on the other hand, had ricocheted off the nightstand and embedded itself in a wall.
Well, I guess it's nice to know I still have that broken magic.
I went over to the nightstand to pick it back up, but something caught my eye. On the floor, previously hidden by the nightstand, was a small unmarked book. I picked it up and opened to the first page. To my surprise, the first page was blank aside from the first page, which simply read "Walt's Notes".
So, this is a journal, huh? Cool. I skimmed through the next few pages. Stuff about experiments I'd worked on, something about fruit drinks, something about synthetic meat...
I flipped through the pages until I got to the last one that had anything written on it.
April 24th.
Tetesac's intentions are more dangerous than I thought. Thankfully, my plan will be able to put his to a halt. The series of events that this will cause will definitely be enough to stop Tetesac's own plans. In the event that something happens to me, I have initiated a failsafe that will put my own plan into action under certain circumstances only I know about. I call it the RYAN. Additionally, I am the only one who knows how to disable the RYAN. This way, Tetesac's plans will never come to fruition, and the future of humanity will be secured.
Future... of humanity? I quickly flipped through the surrounding pages, looking for some sort of context to this. No dice. What on earth was Tetesac planning? What was I planning? The hell is a RYAN? This is really goddamn confusing.
Before I could finish thinking about this, however, I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. I quickly shoved the book into my suit and stood up just as Lyra walked in front of the doorway.
"What's going on? What's taking-" She stopped, having noticed the carnage that had ravaged my room. "What in Celestia's name happened?!"
"Er... I sneezed."
"You sneezed?"
"Look, never mind. Let's just go back downstairs." Before Lyra could reply, I rushed downstairs and down the staircase. I stopped on the staircase for a moment and looked at the handrail. It was smeared in blood. Whatever, I'll worry about that later. I continued downstairs and to the living room.
"Ah, there you are," said Tetesac. "I was wondering what was taking so long. Not to mention all that banging. I feared you may have hurt yourself."
"No, I'm fine," I said. Lyra finished coming down the stairs as well and stood next to me.
"Well then," said Tetesac. "I believe we should head back to the castle now so we can work on your memories. Is everyone alright with that?"
I nodded. I wanted to ask about what I had read in the journal, but I had a nagging feeling that was a bad idea. So I kept my mouth shut, for now.
"Yeah, I'm ready. I want to see more human technology," said Lyra.
"Very well," said Tetesac. "Let's head back to the castle, then."
On the way there, I took the opportunity to gaze at the town around me. I suddenly got the impression that it felt rather... small.
"Hey, uh, Tetesac? Is it just me or is this place rather small for a kingdom?"
Tetesac sighed. "Our race is rather small in population. In fact, there are only roughly one hundred thousand of us."
"One hundred thousand?! Jeez, talk about being a minority..."
"Yes, our kingdom is no bigger than, say, Manehattan. However, we are proud of our nation, regardless of how small it is."
Looking around some more, I noticed a flag waving around in the distance. From what I could tell, the design consisted of two hands joined together against a red background.
I pointed towards the flag, getting Tetesac's attention. "That this place's flag?"
"Ah, yes. It symbolizes the unison between all humans. We are quite proud of it," he said.
"Everyone's pretty proud of their nation, huh?" said Lyra, who was standing noticeably close to me. I looked around and saw that several people were giving her angry looks.
"Yes," said Tetesac. "Some, perhaps unhealthily so."
After arriving at the castle, we headed directly to my lab. Once we arrived, Tetesac spoke up.
"You two can stay here for now, I will be back later. I have some of my own duties to attend to." And with that, he left.
"...That was sudden," I said. Lyra nodded silently. I turned the key in the lock and opened the door. I fumbled around for the light switch and turned it on. The lab was just as it had been left before, coffee stains and all.
As soon as Lyra and I walked in, I shut the door, went over to a table, and took out a book. "Lyra, come over here."
Lyra walked over to me. "What is it?"
"There's something I need to show you." I opened the book to the page about Tetesac's plan and gave it to Lyra. She read over it for a minute, then gave the book back to me.
"So... What are your thoughts on this?"
"I don't know," Lyra replied. "That's a lot of stuff to consider. What is Tetesac planning? Whatever it is, apparently it was important to you that it was stopped."
"Yeah..." I read over the page again. "I can't say this helps my trust in him, though."
A voice came from behind me. "Trust in who?"
Surprised, I looked behind me, to see Tetesac in the doorway, leaning against the frame.
I felt a sense of dread as Tetesac walked into the room. I fumbled with the book for a moment and shoved it back into my suit pocket.
"Ack... Erm, That's a good question."
Trying to come up with some way to get out of this, my eyes traveled to Tetesac's beard, being unsettlingly stroked by his hand.
Aha, I've got it.
"Well..." he said, looking at me expectantly. "If it's not any of my business, I won't intrude..."
"Oh, no, I was just talking about that old guy from earlier. Just saying we shouldn't put much trust in what he says, like you said."
Tetesac looked at me for a moment. "Ah, yes. I see. A good plan, that one." He looked deep in thought, suddenly not seeming to be paying any attention to me.
Lyra spoke up. "So, what brings you back here? I thought you had king-ish duties and stuff."
Tetesac took a second to respond. "...Oh! Yes, right! I wanted to tell you something, George. The password to the KEVIN."
"You know the password?"
"Well, yes. You trusted me enough to give me access."
"...Ah. I see. Well, that's good, then, 'cause I thought I was screwed on that front. So, what's the password?"
Tetesac looked over to Lyra. "Are you sure you're alright with Ms. Heartstrings hearing it?"
"Oh, yeah, that's fine. I trust her. Besides, she doesn't have hands to type with." She shot me an annoyed look.
"...Hmm. Very well, if you're sure." A huge grin suddenly formed on Tetesac's face. "The password is... 'humpthewalt'."
I think my brain shut down momentarily at that point. Not sure what to say to that, I looked at both Lyra and Tetesac, both of them clearly trying to stifle laughter. They looked as if their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.
"...Yeah, okay," I finally said, prompting them both to burst into laughter. How did I even come up with something like that? Well, whatever. I walked over to the KEVIN and turned back to the two merchants of embarrassment. "Is that all lowercase?"
"Yes," said Tetesac, wiping a tear from his eye. "All lowercase letters."
"All... very small letters. Very small..." said Lyra, trying to keep herself from laughing again.
"Yeah, yeah. You know, comedians don't laugh at their own jokes on stage. Especially when the jokes suck." I turned back to the panel and typed in the password. The screen was overlaid with green letters that read "VERIFIED".
"If you guys are done being immature, the password worked."
Lyra walked up to me. Tetesac, on the other hand, stayed behind. "That's great, George!" said Tetesac. "I must get back to those kingly duties, though. Have fun!" He quickly disappeared through the door.
"Well, that was weird," I said.
"He's probably just in a hurry," said Lyra. "Anyway, let's see what's on that machine."
A series of commands had appeared on the screen, ranging from "cd" to "log". I wasn't quite sure where to start.
"Uh... right. Just gotta figure this out..." I typed "cd" and pressed enter, bringing up the words "invalid directory".
"Well, we're off to a great start so far," said Lyra.
"Yeah, yeah. Let's try this last one..." I typed "log" and pressed enter. A few commands appeared as follows:
log show - Shows logs of KEVIN usage.
log show <date> - Show KEVIN usage logs by specific date.
log erase - Erase KEVIN usage logs.
log backup <name> - Back up KEVIN usage logs to specific filename.
log restore <name> - Restore KEVIN usage logs by filename.
log search <keyword> - Search through logs and backups via keyword.
"Huh," I said. "Alright, let's take a look at the logs of this thing being used..." I typed "log show" into the terminal and hit enter. The words "No logs available" appeared on-screen.
"That's strange," I said, "This thing's been used before, I wonder why there aren't any logs."
"Maybe because of the coffee?" offered Lyra.
"That's a whole other thing. This thing actually still works, even with coffee being spilled on it. It's strange..." Getting an idea, I typed "log restore" and hit enter.
"0 of 1 logs restored
Invalid syntax - Filename is required"
"Damn it," I said. "It looks like there's a log backed up, but I have no idea what to search for." I tried "log search log", coming up with zero results.
"Maybe try searching for one letter at a time?" said Lyra, craning her neck to get a good look at the screen.
"Alright..." I started with the most common letter, "e". No dice. I proceeded to try all the vowels. Nothing.
"So, that means there aren't any full words, right? It might be an acronym."
"log search b"
Nothing.
"log search p"
Nothing.
"log search m"
Still nothing.
"log search x"
Noth- Wait, no, there's something here.
"xxxxx.txt - 3 KB" read the screen.
"Sweet, we found it!" I said. I quickly typed "log restore xxxxx.txt" and hit enter. The screen suddenly filled with a large number of entries, too many to count. Each was marked with a date and success or failure of the experiment.
"These don't seem to be from too long ago," I said. "One of these is dated October 17th."
The log entries were listed from top to bottom, most recent to least recent. They went off the screen, so I scrolled through them with the arrow keys.
TEST #90 - SUBJECT: TREE FROG - RESULT: FAILURE
SUBJECT STATUS: ALIVE
Most of the entries followed this format, aside from a few that caught my eye.
TEST #84 - SUBJECT: RACCOON - RESULT: SUCCESS
SUBJECT STATUS: ALIVE
"Success, huh? Does that mean I bestowed immortality onto a raccoon?" I said to Lyra. She didn't answer, she was too fixated on the screen. I kept scrolling down. The list became rather repetitive after a while, so I started mashing the down arrow to get through the list as fast as possible. That is, until something at the top of the screen caught my eye.
TEST #43 - SUBJECT: RAT - RESULT: FAILURE
SUBJECT STATUS: DECEASED
"Shit," I said to Lyra, "I hope I didn't do that." I scrolled up further, but I stopped as a feeling of dread filled my stomach to the brim. I slowly read over what the screen now said.
TEST #44 - SUBJECT: TORTOISE - RESULT: FAILURE
SUBJECT STATUS: DECEASED
TEST #45 - SUBJECT: HARE - RESULT: FAILURE
SUBJECT STATUS: DECEASED
TEST #46 - SUBJECT: OWL - RESULT: FAILURE
SUBJECT STATUS: DECEASED
TEST #47 - SUBJECT: PIG - RESULT: FAILURE
SUBJECT STATUS: DECEASED
"I... I don't..." I tried to make sense of this, but as I scrolled down one more entry, my stomach dropped into my feet.
TEST #48 - SUBJECT: HUMAN - RESULT: FAILURE
SUBJECT STATUS: DECEASED
I felt dizzy all of a sudden. Not saying anything, I took a few steps back. Did I... conduct an experiment on another person? Did I... kill them in the process?! No, no... There's no way...
I tried to look for someplace to sit, but I slipped on something and hit the floor.
~ Some time later ~
I awoke on a hospital bed. I was nearly blinded with light as I opened my eyes to the fluorescent light bulbs installed in the ceiling.
"Ugh..." I said, or rather, groaned. God, my head hurts like hell. I looked over to the side of the bed and saw Lyra standing there.
"Oh, good, you're awake!" said Lyra. "I was pretty worried."
"Hey... did you take me here?"
"Well, King Tetesac helped. He had to step out for a bit, but he said he'd be back soon."
"Oh..." I touched my head with my hand. "Did I fall?"
"Yeah, hard. Right on your face. Your nose isn't in very good shape right now. Or, rather, it's in a bunch of not-so-good shapes."
"I broke my nose."
"Yep. Try falling on your side or something next time, alright?"
I brought my hand to my nose, but pulled it away as pain shot through my face. "Yeah... sure, I'll try. And how long was I out for?"
"A couple hours. The doctors needed some additional time to fix your nose, so they used some anesthetic to keep you unconscious."
"I didn't give my consent for that."
"Tetesac told them it was fine, he figured you wouldn't want to have a broken nose."
"...Fair enough."
As if on cue, the door to the room opened, and Tetesac walked in. "Oh good, you're awake," said Tetesac. "You have no idea what I had to go through for them to allow Ms. Heartstrings in here." He took a chair next to me and sat down. "They said she could be 'ridden with plague', or something to that effect. Rather insulting, I'd say."
Suddenly, everything that happened before I fell came flooding back to me. I laid there silently, processing everything that had happened since I got to Anthropia.
"Are you alright, George? You seem lost in thought."
After about five seconds, I slowly turned my head to Tetesac. I sat up and looked him straight in the eye as the words came out of my mouth.
"Am I a murderer?"
Tetesac didn't respond for a moment. "You... what?"
"Did I kill someone in one of my experiments?! You'd have to know!"
"I don't quite-"
"I looked in the KEVIN logs, there's a record of an experiment with a human who is status deceased! Along with a bunch of other animals! Did I kill them in my experiments?!"
"George, hold on a moment-"
"And don't lie to me, I need to know this for sure-"
"GEORGE!"
I stopped. Tetesac, for the first time I could remember, looked irritated. I slowly shut my mouth.
"George, there is no need for worry. Those beings did not die in your experiments, they were deceased beforehand."
"...Huh?"
"I will start with the most worrying one. The human who you conducted the experiment on was already deceased."
"How do I know that for sure?"
"I filed paperwork to get you the cadaver, I assure you that you obtained it through entirely legal means. I can show you the papers if you wish. The animals are in the same situation, however I do not have paperwork to prove those."
"...Well, you say you have paperwork, and that would be a hard lie to get out of... Alright, I guess I feel better now."
"George..."
"Yeah?"
"Forgive me for asking this, but I've been curious... Why do you mistrust me so much?"
I fidgeted in my seat a bit. "Oh... you noticed?"
"It was hard not to, George. Your poorly constructed lie about Old Man Musket earlier was perhaps the biggest giveaway."
I looked at him for a second before responding. "I just... I'm sorry, all this new info about my past life isn't easy to take in, so I'm kinda skeptical of things in general."
Tetesac brightened up a bit. "Ah, well, that's understandable. I was beginning to think it had something to do with me specifically."
"...Ah," I said, looking down. I was suspicious of him specifically, but this didn't seem like the best time to say that. Not to mention, another thought had entered my mind.
I slowly looked back to Tetesac and spoke.
"You need to make a peace treaty with Equestria."
Tetesac's expression changed to one of surprise. "I need to do what?"
"Last night, I had a dream. It was... an interesting dream, to say the least."
"George, you shouldn't pay much heed to-"
"I'm not finished. In this dream, someone visited me. Someone by the name of 'Princess Luna'."
Tetesac's face tensed up at hearing this, but Lyra spoke up first. "Princess Luna? She came to you in a dream?!"
"...So I was right, she does exist. Good, then I'm not about to make myself look stupid."
I waited for a response from either one of them, but I didn't get one. So I continued.
"She told me I needed to convince you to make a peace treaty with Equestria, that the current feud between races was pointless and rather harmful."
"...George. Are you saying they want a peace treaty?"
"Yes. They do. So what's the issue? It's a simple matter! You want it, they want it! I'm sure the benefits outweigh the downside of some people here not liking you!"
Tetesac sighed. "It's not that simple, George. As much as I'd like to, this is the sort of thing I cannot just do all of a sudden. If I am to ever do this, it will take a very long time. Perhaps years. And with that, I need to get back to my duties." Tetesac stood up and walked to the door.
Well, I tried. Not much else I can do here- Wait a minute.
"Wait," I said. Tetesac turned around. "Yes?"
I pulled the notebook out of my pocket. "Look at this page!" I turned to the most recently written page in the notebook. "This is a journal I kept before I got amnesia. It says you're planning something! You wanna know why I don't trust you? You explicitly said you're not planning something! You lied! And you lied about my experiments! Your stories contradict each other! You're a shitty liar, Titty Sack!"
Before he could respond, I got up out of the hospital bed and walked up to him.
"For all I know, this couldn't mean anything bad at all. Sure, maybe they're little white lies. But I'd really like to know for sure. The least you can do for us at this point is tell us the truth about everything you've lied to us about."
I looked to Lyra to see if she was with me. She quickly looked away, avoiding my gaze. "Well... yeah, what he said."
I then noticed Tetesac's expression. It wasn't one of annoyance, nor shock. It was a look of defeat.
"...Very well," Tetesac said. "I was wrong to keep this from you, but I simply... well, you will see when I explain it." He went over to the door and locked it, then went back beside the bed and sat down. "Are you sure you want to know the truth, George?"
"Why do you think I went off on that rant? Of course I do!"
"So be it, then. But you will have to deal with the consequences yourself, I'm afraid."
"So be it, then. But you will have to deal with the consequences yourself, I'm afraid."
"The consequences?"
"...Never mind that, just sit down and I will explain everything to you."
I went back to the hospital bed and sat down, the paper crinkling under me.
"Wait," Lyra said, "So, what are the things you didn't lie to us about?"
Tetesac tugged at his beard. "Well, most things, actually. Your age, your name, your occupation, and... most of your history before this."
"Most of it?" I said. I had the KEVIN incident in mind, in particular.
"Yes. Just allow me to explain everything."
I laid back in the bed and turned my head to him. "Alright, I'm all ears."
"...You really were the best scientist I've had, George. At least, for most of your career. The KEVIN was your greatest invention yet."
"I still have no idea what that stands for."
"Neither do I. But it wasn't simply a magic transfusion machine. It was planned to also function as a teleporter, to put a living being anywhere on the planet in seconds."
"Okay, I'm seeing some connections here."
"George... I'm sure you had the best intentions from the start, but you... changed."
"Changed?"
"Yes. Now, do you remember the story I told you about the girl named Sandra?"
"It's hard not to."
"I don't believe I told you her last name, did I? No, I'm afraid I didn't. Her name... was Sandra Walt."
"Walt? What does that have to do with- GAH!"
Some sort of sound like that came out of me upon the sudden realization. If I was Humphrey Walt, then...
"...Who was she?"
"She was your daughter."
I sat up in a nanosecond. "My... daughter?!"
"Oh my gosh," said Lyra. "I'm sorry, George."
"That's... I had a daughter... and- but- that doesn't-" I had no idea what to say, this was way too much for me to process at the time.
"Yes, an adoptive daughter. George, please, calm down. I need you conscious for the rest of this."
Hyperventilating a bit, I laid back down. "Okay, it's fine, it's fine, I can worry about this afterwards... yeah, afterwards..."
"You were never a big fan of Equestrians, George. You didn't hate them, but you had some dislike of them for whatever reason. Perhaps a similar one that exists among the population right now."
"Now, I'd like to preface this by saying I don't entirely blame you for most of what you did, but-"
"Just tell us, already!" said Lyra. She was clearly anxious to hear the rest. I was too, but I didn't say anything.
"Please, Lyra, be patient."
"...Alright..."
"George, I'm not entirely sure what went on inside you when it happened. I doubt we'll ever know. But one day, Sandra ran away, as I said before. I don't know why, unfortunately, you never told me. But you blamed your daughter's death on the entire Equestrian race, and this ignited a spark of hatred for them that surpassed Joan Ritter's. I tried to talk some sense into you, but you pushed me away along with any other human who contradicted your views even slightly. Not to mention, you knew that I was planning on creating a peace treaty with Equestria."
"Wait, so that's what you were planning?"
"Yes. I apologize for lying to you about it, but given the memory loss and such, I couldn't tell you of such secretive things yet. I couldn't have you telling anyone about it, you see."
"...I guess that makes sense."
"But I digress. You were intent on one thing, and that was revenge."
"Revenge?! But I wouldn't-"
"That doesn't matter. You did, even if you wouldn't now. You practically went insane, George. You became a bitter man. You completely changed your objective for the KEVIN. However, you denied any knowledge of this until around a week and a half ago, when you called me into your lab. You had clearly been awake for days. You were constantly drinking from a cup of coffee, and there were stains from it everywhere. On the floor, on your papers... even on the KEVIN."
"W-Whuh? So it was already stained?"
"...Yes. The event with you slipping into the machine and spilling coffee on it really did happen. However, it didn't teleport you to Canterlot. It gave you powers reminiscent of Celestia's, including immortality. The thing is, they didn't tend to work properly. Perhaps it was due to the coffee spillage, or the machine not being fully finished, but you didn't care. You were overjoyed. You really enjoyed being immortal, George. You gained even more motivation for what you were doing."
While I was there, you finally explained everything to me that you had been planning. You were going to launch a full-scale attack on Ponyville. You were planning on completely leveling the town, no matter what it took. Apparently you saw this as appropriate retribution for the death of your daughter. I, personally, was taken aback. There was no possible way I could allow this. I tried to convince you to stop, but you simply laughed at me. I was left with no recourse, except... well..."
"What? What did you do?"
"I remembered the various times the teleportation function of the KEVIN had been tested. The machine would send the target to their destination alive and well, but they were always by affected by some form of memory loss."
"Okay, yeah, I see where this is going."
"I couldn't have us plunged into a full-scale war with Equestria. So I did the only thing I thought reasonable at the time. While you were distracted, I shoved you into the KEVIN and locked it. As you banged on the glass, I typed in the proper commands along with the coordinates to Canterlot. But before I hit enter, I took one last look at you to see that you were, strangely enough, smiling maniacally. You shouted, albeit still muffled by the glass, that this wouldn't stop your plans. That they'd already been 'set in motion'. I didn't listen to you. I simply hit enter, and you were gone."
...The room stayed silent for a while. I laid there trying to go over everything I'd just been told, and Lyra looked deep in thought as well. After a few minutes, I spoke up again.
"...How do I know you're telling the truth?"
Wordlessly, Tetesac reached into his robes, pulled something out, and handed it to me. As I slowly took it from his hand, I realized it was a photograph. A photograph of me and a girl I didn't recognize standing together, smiling. A girl I... didn't recognize.
"After the... incident, I removed everything relating to Sandra from your home. I had a feeling you would make it back, so I didn't want you to have to deal with the knowledge of your past life. I hoped that the arrival of you in Canterlot would give you a better, more accurate first impression of ponies themselves. In retrospect, perhaps that was a bad idea. However, even with all I did, I... I shouldn't have kept your knowledge of your own daughter from you. That is simply unforgivable of me."
As I stared at this photo, I feel like I should've felt something along the lines of sadness, and I did, but it was overwhelmed by my sheer inability to comprehend everything I'd just been told.
"Damn it... I don't remember anything..."
I continued to stare at the photograph. I had no idea what to think. I wanted to blame someone, but who could've possibly been to blame aside from me?
"How could I have been... the way you said? I... I don't get it at all."
Both Lyra and Tetesac looked upon me with expressions I couldn't quite recognize. Was it pity? Or were they perhaps thinking I deserve all this for what I did? Did I deserve it? No, I didn't know about any of those things. I'm not Humphrey Walt. I'm a completely different person. I'm George Trestale.
...Aren't I?
I slowly got up and out of the bed. I walked toward the door and unlocked it. I felt weightless, as if I'd just died.
"Where are you going?" asked Tetesac. "You haven't been officially released yet."
"I don't care," I said, "I'm going home."
And with that, I opened the door and dashed out, past all the doctors and assistants before they had a chance to react.
---------------------------------
A day has passed. I've been eating minimally. Drinking only when I feel like I've been in a desert for six hours. Lyra and Tetesac have both come up to my room to check on me, but I haven't said much to them. I have no idea what to feel at this point. I hate myself for pitying myself, and I pity myself for hating myself. I just need to be alone for a while.
"Come on, George," said Lyra at one point. "You can't be all emo for the rest of your life."
Yeah, thanks for that, Lyra.
"I mean, come on," she said. "Sure, you weren't a big fan of us for a while. You tried to destroy a town. Big deal. Well, I mean, that kinda is a big deal, but no-one got hurt! You know what they say, the road to heaven is paved with bad intentions!"
It's the other way around, Lyra.
"George, if you like, I can move Sandra's belongings back into the house," said Tetesac.
"I'd like to be alone for right now," was all I could say in reply.
Perhaps I wasn't in as bad a condition as I made myself out to be. I really just needed to be alone for a while as I sorted my conscience out. Somewhere inside me, I knew I'd be fine eventually, but I just wasn't yet.
Eventually, Lyra and Tetesac both came into my room. I didn't bother looking at them, I was too busy staring at the designs of my pinball machine. Or was it Sandra's...?
"Come on," said Lyra. "We're gonna go to your favorite place for dinner! Er, what was it again, Your Highness?"
"Seafood Land," said Tetesac. "It's always been his favorite."
"Right, Seafood... Land. That's a creative name," Lyra said with a hint of sarcasm.
"Thank you, I actually suggested it to the owner myself."
"Not hungry," I said. I was lying, of course, I hadn't eaten more than a couple crackers in the past sixteen hours.
Suddenly, I felt something pulling on my leg. I looked down at my foot to see it surrounded by a green aura.
"Oh, son of a-" I didn't have time to finish my sentence as I was yanked off my bed.
~ One hour later ~
"Alright," I said, getting a stray piece of salmon out from between my teeth, "I guess I did need some food in my stomach."
We were sat outside Seafood Land, which has a very misleading name, as the restaurant is way too small to be called a "land". At least it's pretty close to the castle, it looks nice from here.
"George," said Tetesac, "I know recent events have been stressful to you. I am terribly sorry for what I did, constantly lying to you and acting as if your daughter never existed. I really don't know what to say."
I sat there silently for a moment. "Look, Tetesac, I have no problem with forgiving you for anything you did. I clearly needed some kind of reality check, and honestly I kind of want to thank you for giving it to me. My issue isn't forgiving you. And honestly, I've gotten over the fact that I tried to level a town. There's just one last hanging thread that worries me."
"What's that?"
"Sandra. Why did she run away? Did it have something to do with me? I really want to know, because that's been nagging at me like hell."
"George, I don't know much about your private lives, but you two were a very happy, if small, family. You loved each other very much, and I didn't see anything change the day she left the city. You were a good father to her, George. She loved you. And I'm sure she still does."
"Yeah, I hope so," I said. "And I hope she's happy, wherever she is. Heaven, I guess."
"By the way, I noticed you went back to the red tie," said Lyra. "What, did the blue one not work out for you?"
"Nah. It just felt wrong," I said. "I prefer the r-"
I didn't have time to finish my sentence though, as I was interrupted by what seemed to be the ground shaking for a moment.
"That was weird," I said. "Do we get earthquakes here often?"
"Not in decades," said Tetesac.
The ground shook again, harder this time.
"The hell is that, then?"
"I don't know. We don't have any-"
All of a sudden, he was cut off as a huge explosion came from the castle's direction. All of us jerked our heads in that direction, to see that a huge hole was now blown in one of the castle's walls.
"...Uh, what the hell?" I said, bewildered.
Tetesac stood up. "Oh, that cannot be good."
As the smoke cleared, we craned our heads to get a better look at what had created the explosion.
"Is that... a tank?!" exclaimed Lyra.
Myself about two feet taller than her, I was able to get a better look at the metallic monstrosity that was now rolling out of the hole it had created. Yeah, that's a tank.
"Who the hell's piloting that?!" I shouted.
"I don't know," said Tetesac. "I was not aware we even had- Wait a minute. George, hand me your journal."
I took it out of my coat pocket and handed it to him. He quickly opened it and turned to the most recent entry. "George, do you see the four letters on that tank?"
Squinting as hard as I could, my eyes slowly brought them into focus.
It said "RYAN".
"That's the RYAN?! A motherfucking tank?!"
"Oh, my. I believe this is what you meant by 'failsafe', George..."
"W-What?! That means we've got to stop it, then!" Without waiting for a reply I ran off after the Tank, which was now headed to one of the city's outer walls.
"G-George! Wait!" Lyra ran off after me, with Tetesac in tow. I didn't bother listening, I was running at full speed towards the tank. Thankfully, it was actually rather slow, akin to my normal walking pace. Right before the tank made it to the wall, I threw myself onto it. I was promptly surged with electricity and thrown back off, a comical smoke trail emanating from me.
"Ouch."
Lyra and Tetesac finally caught up to me. "George! That was a rather boneheaded thing to do!" said Tetesac.
"Yeah, yeah. I had to at least try. Do you think someone's piloting that thing?"
"I doubt it," said Tetesac. "You primarily worked alone. It is most likely-"
He was cut short as the tank blasted a hole through the city wall and drove through it.
"-It is most likely self-piloted. Which means reasoning with it most likely won't be an option."
"Oh, jeez!" said Lyra. "What the heck do we do, then?! That thing's gonna destroy Ponyville!"
"Uhm," I said nervously. "Good question. That, I don't know."
"Well, we've gotta do something!"
"Yeah, I know..." I thought about it for a bit, trying to think of where we could find out how to stop this thing.
"Wait. Wait! My lab! There's gotta be something in there!"
The three of us dashed towards the castle, headed straight for the hole the RYAN had made.
"I bet you didn't expect to turn out to be the bad guy all along, huh?" said Lyra.
I exploded through the castle doors, running in strides long enough to put a kangaroo to shame. Lyra and Tetesac in tow, I dashed down the castle's central staircase before any of the guards had time to react. Upon seeing the door to my lab after a moment of dashing through the hallway, I quickly ceased running, sliding a few feet before stopping myself by grabbing the door's handle. I took a moment to look behind me and saw Lyra catching up, with Tetesac a good distance behind her.
"Go on!" said Tetesac, panting. "I'll be there in a moment!"
I twisted the knob and shoved the door open. I felt around for the light switch and turned the lights on, not bothering to wait for them to fully switch on before running into the room.
"Alright, we just gotta figure out how to stop the thing! There's gotta be something about it in here." I started looking through the various documents and devices scattered on the tables.
"How are we gonna find it through all this stuff, though?" inquired Lyra picking up something that looked like a small motor. "I can't even count how many weird gadget things you have in here!"
"All the more reason to start looking now, rather than later!" I opened a drawer and started filing through the papers inside.
Just then, Tetesac finally made it to the doorway. "Ah... here we are... I must apologize, my agility is not what it used to be..."
"Yeah, yeah, no biggie, just help us look for something about the RYAN."
"George?"
"Yeah, what is it?" Not paying attention to him, I pulled all the files out of the drawer in frustration.
"You may wish to take a moment to look at the KEVIN."
"Huh? What's with the KEV-" I stood up, only to cut myself off as I saw something on the screen. I jogged over to take a closer look.
R.Y.A.N SYSTEMS OPERATIONAL
ETA: Two days
Available options:
route <coords> - Adjust route to specific coordinates.
cancel - Cancel route and return to station.
"Alright, cool! Simple! Lemme just do this..." I typed "cancel" and hit enter.
ACCESS DENIED - PASSWORD REQUIRED
"...Ah, shit."
As Tetesac was about to say something, a voice began to emanate from the machine, loud enough to echo through the lab. I quickly recognized it as my own.
"Greetings, potential plan-ruiners," said the voice. "This is Humphrey Walt, telling you in this pre-recorded message that there's no way for you to stop my invinci-tank! You've probably already tried at this point, perhaps thrown yourself at the tank in an idiotic attempt to climb inside. I suppose the result of that was quite shocking, if you get the words I'm saying. Heh. Yes, my RYAN tank may have a top speed of four miles per hour, but it makes up for that in being practically invincible to all physical attacks due to its electric shield. So, anyway, whatever your motivations, you aren't stopping this thing. Of course, if you're me, disregard this message and do whatever the hell you want.
But chances are, you're not me. You're probably, like, King Tetesac or something, since he just loves those ponies so much. Or maybe you're Princess Celestia, intent on stopping my plans. Hell if I know, there are only so many scenarios I can think up. But, anyway, the fact of the matter is that you aren't stopping this. The RYAN can be remotely shut off with a password, but I've destroyed all documentation on the machine. That and the fact that I haven't told anyone the password. Hell, I haven't even told anyone about my plans. Except for Old Man Musket. I may or may not have given him some subtle hints. You know, for the hell of it. I mean, who the hell's gonna listen to him about anything anyway? So, good luck with figuring that out, as the only thing that holds the password at this point is my own brain, and good luck getting it outta there. So, yeah. To recap, you can't stop it, only I know the password, and I'm probably in hiding or something at this point. So, kindly fuck off. Thanks."
The three of us stood in silence for about 20 seconds before I finally decided to say something.
"Uh. Yeah. Right. Okay. Sure. Why the fuck not." I turned back to Lyra and Tetesac. "Yeah, okay! Look at that shit! We're beyond screwed, man! Please, would someone be so kind as to tell me, what in fuck's name do we do now?!"
"Alright, George, please, just calm down," said Tetesac, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Perhaps you should try guessing-"
"No!" I slapped his hand off my shoulder and looked away from him. "I think I kinda get this now! If you hadn't wiped my memories, I'd still know the password! You fuckin' dope! Because of you, we can't stop the RYAN! You know, I've been acting all nice about that whole thing, but this kinda tips the scales!"
Lyra quickly walked over to me. "George, come on! Don't be stupid, you're the one who built it in the first place!"
"Yeah?! Well, for your information..."
I paused for a moment. No, I need to re-compose myself, this isn't a time for arguing.
"No, no. You're right, I'm being stupid. Let's just figure this out, if we can even do that."
"Well, do you have any ideas?"
My mind quickly drifted back to Tetesac's suggestion of guessing the passwords. "Well, not any particularly good ones. Uhm, anyone know where Old Man Musket is?"
"Funny that you ask that," said Tetesac, "He hasn't been seen since that encounter at your house."
"Okay, well, we've only got two days to do this shit. I'll start guessing passwords, you two can look around for documents that might still exist about the machine."
~ One Hour Later ~
"Nope, the password's not 'donglover92'... Thanks for the suggestion, though, Lyra." I crossed it off the notepad, which I'd written about 200 failed passwords in so far. I was getting to the point where I felt like simply banging on the keyboard and hoping the password comes up. "You two find anything?"
"Not one single thing," said Lyra. "Can't even find anything about the KEVIN, let alone the RYAN. I found some stuff about a 'MARVIN' which looks like some kind of carriage without anypony pulling it, but the name is where the similarities end."
"Stupid me, I should've anticipated losing my memories. Maybe there's a secret compartment with a book of passwords or something. You check for anything like that?"
"Yeah, actually. I scanned most of the flat surfaces in the room, the only secret compartment I found was one that had a bag of happy flower in it."
"Speaking of, George," said Tetesac, "Why were you keeping that from me? It's not illegal, you know."
"I don't know, alright?" I looked back to the screen for a moment. "Lyra, would you mind handing me that bag?"
"No happy until you fix things."
"Ugh, fine. Aaaaaand that's 301," I said as I wrote and crossed out "*(UJ@Ei$2" in the notebook. "This isn't working. This is not working. We need another plan."
"Tell me about it," said Lyra. "We've searched every inch of this room. There's nothing here."
Tetesac, who had apparently been lying on the floor, sat up into my vision. "George, if I may make a suggestion, we haven't searched your house yet."
"Oh! Right! Yes, of course! Let's do that!"
~ Three More Hours Later ~
"Let's stop doing this," I said, lying on the floor of my bedroom. "There's no hope, we're doomed."
I spared you the extremely uneventful process of searching the house. You're welcome.
"You're just saying that because you don't want us to find more happy flower," said Lyra. "We already found your stash of alcohol. You must really like whiskey."
"No, I hate whiskey. And screw the goddamn happy flower, there's nothing we can do at this point. We'd might as well prepare for a barrage of unicorn magic two days from now."
"Maybe it'll malfunction or something! We've gotta hope for anything at this point, George! We can't just give up!"
"As much as I hate to admit it," said Tetesac, "I'm entirely out of ideas as well. If Ponyville is destroyed by your tank, then there will certainly be a great many casualties. It will undoubtedly mean war."
"Yeah, I know. I just... I can't believe I'd cause this."
Lyra kicked me in the leg. "Well, you have to believe it! You caused this, so you've gotta fix it, memories or not! One way or another! Ponyville's in danger of being destroyed by a tank and they don't even know it! That's not something you can just-"
"Wait," I said.
"What? Do you have an idea?"
A grin slowly formed on my face as I sprung to my feet. "Yes! YES! Holy shit-a-moly, I have an IDEA!"
"That's great, George!" said Tetesac, "So, what is it?"
"You're right, the Equestrians don't know about the tank. But what if we go and tell them? It's so simple! We just gotta warn them about the tank, and then they can stop it with their magic and stuff!"
"Hmm," said Tetesac, who was stroking his beard. "That may work, if magic can affect your tank. I'm not sure how well-built it is."
"Well, we gotta try!" said Lyra, "It's our only choice at this point!"
"That brings up another issue, however," said Tetesac, "How will we get there in time?"
"Well, the thing is pretty slow, only four miles an hour according to myself," I said. "We could easily outpace it."
"Yes, but remember that it took you eight days to walk here from Ponyville. Of course, a large portion of this was likely taken up by you sleeping, something a tank does not have to do. Thus, it will get there several days before any of us can."
"Damn, you're right. Okay, so we need some kind of transportation method. Celestia's probably the best one to warn about the tank, so Canterlot should be our goal."
"Won't she just arrest you on the spot?" asked Lyra.
"Probably, but I don't care about that. I just need to tell her about the RYAN."
"What if she doesn't believe you?"
"I will come along," said Tetesac, "Both I and Lyra can vouch for you."
"Alright, that's cool and all, but we still have no idea how the three of us are gonna get there."
"Well," said Tetesac, "I would suggest the KEVIN, to teleport us, but it has that issue of causing amnesia..."
"Right, and I don't have the time right now to re-learn the science skills required to fix that."
"Wait!" said Lyra, "What about the MARVIN?"
"The what?"
"That thing I told you about, remember? In your lab, there were some documents about this invention called "My Awesome Ride Version two, now Including Nitrous".
"Well, would you look at that. An acronym which I actually know the words to. What the hell does that mean, though? Awesome ride? Does that mean we can ride it?" I was confused by this rather otherworldly-sounding invention.
"Ah, of course! You did develop a prototype of this, George. You took the concept of the pony-driven carriages in Equestria, and developed a version without the need for an external party to drag it. I believe you said it was powered by ethanol. You're currently keeping it in your garage, from what I remember."
"Ethanol? As in the stuff in drinks?"
"Yes, your tests generally involved you powering it with whiskey. Thus, you distilled a lot of your own whiskey along with buying large amounts of it."
"Why would I use whiskey of all things? Why not pure ethanol?"
"You... really hated whiskey."
"Well, let's get to that thing, then! I'll grab the whiskey!"
"Wait, George! It's in prototype stages, we don't know if it'll work!"
"Bah! You only live once, Titty Sack!" With that, I dashed down the stairs before he could respond.
~ Fifteen Minutes Later ~
"Alright, how far did you say Equestria is from here?"
"Roughly two hundred miles."
"T-Two hundred? That's it? How the hell do you keep your location secret if you're that close?"
"Keep it secret? Who says we do that?"
I staggered under the weight of the amount of whiskey I was holding. "I've been told that by several ponies. I had to be extremely lucky to find a map that had Anthropia on it in the first place." I dropped the box, holding about fifteen bottles of whiskey, into the trunk which had already been about halfway filled by Lyra and Tetesac's loads.
"Well, I do not know of any efforts to keep our location secret. Sounds like that may be a self-fulfilling prophecy the ponies have there."
"Well, either way," I said, "I think that's all of it."
"It's a shame to see all this good whiskey go to waste," said Tetesac.
"There's no such thing as good whiskey," I said. "Besides, it's going to a good cause."
"Well, I believe that's the last of it," said Tetesac, wiping his forehead.
The three of us took a moment to look at the MARVIN. It was a long, black carriage-shaped machine, with four seats and a wheel protruding out in front of one of them. It rode on four wheels, all of them seemingly made out of some kind of rubber. Two pedals rested under the same seat that had the wheel. The front of the vehicle also featured a winch, for whatever reason.
"Great," said Lyra, "Let's go!"
I pulled the garage door open revealing us to the street in front of my house. Acknowledging a passing nod from a person walking by, I turned back to Lyra. "Alright, so, does this thing have an instruction manual or something? I've got no idea how to drive it."
"There's no time for that, we've gotta go!" I'm not sure if Lyra was anxious to save her hometown or just really wanted to ride in the MARVIN, but either way I climbed into the seat with the wheel thing in front. Tetesac got into the seat next to me, while Lyra got in the back.
"Alright, let's see..." As I looked at the wheel, the sticks poking out from behind it, the anchor-shaped thing under the wheel, and the red button in between my seat and Tetesac's, I suddenly grabbed the wheel with both hands. As if by instinct, I grabbed the anchor-shaped thing and pulled it, and the car instantly started churning. I pressed my foot into the right pedal and the MARVIN lurched out of the garage as I steered it into the street and stopped momentarily.
"I see old habits die hard, George," said Tetesac, grinning.
"I'm not sure that's how that saying is used, but I think I get what you mean. And stop smiling like that, it's creepy." I jammed my foot into the pedal, and we sped off towards the hole in the city wall.
And there we were, speeding across the grass in a horseless carriage, hopefully soon to reach the RYAN. Following alongside some train tracks we eventually came across, I wasn't quite sure exactly how fast we were going, but the wind giving me an improvised mullet told me we were going pretty damn fast. That and how Tetesac's beard was flying like a kite.
"God damn, at this rate we'll reach Canterlot before I even built the RYAN." I squinted to try and see the tank tracks leading forward into the distance. My glasses were thankfully blocking some of the wind, but still not enough to keep it from giving my eyes a blow-dry.
"Yes, that is all fine and good, but we should probably work out how we are going to explain all this to Celestia," said Tetesac, also trying to shield his eyes from the wind.
"What's there to explain? There's a big tank heading for Ponyville, that's all there is to it. No need for any extra details. None at all."
"Details like that you built it?" Lyra added with a smug grin.
"Yes, exactly like that," I replied. "That can wait until after the tank is taken care of. Or, alternatively, never."
"And what if she asks where it came from? I can't say you're the best at lying, George," Tetesac interjected.
"Simple. I'll tell her Humphrey Walt built it."
It wasn't long before we noticed the RYAN on the horizon. Although I was already confident we'd get to Canterlot in time, the idea that we were going to pass the tank soon added a small sense of relief to my mixed bag of emotions.
"There it is up ahead!" I pointed towards the RYAN, leaning forward in my seat. "Goddamn, some sense of accomplishment for once!"
"Well, now it is simply a matter of how much faster we arrive there than the tank," said Tetesac, squinting forward. "We need adequate time both to board a train to Canterlot and for Celestia to prepare for the arrival of your tank."
"Well, it's not like there's a ton of stuff she'd have to prepare," I shot back. "She's got all-powerful magic and stuff. For all I know, she could just pick the thing up and throw it into space."
"Well, you never know, George. You were always rather... creative with your designs."
At that point, we found ourselves zooming right on past the RYAN. In a moment of immaturity, I briefly looked back to blow a raspberry at it.
"George, you're spitting in my face," said Lyra, attempting to shield herself with her hooves.
"Oh. Whoops, sorry. I'm just feeling pretty accomplished right n-AAAAAGH!"
I was quickly cut off by the sound of an explosion and a brief loss of control. I spun around only to see a smoking crater where the car had been a few seconds ago. My vision jerked over in the direction of the RYAN, its barrel emitting fresh smoke.
"Oh for god's sake, it's shooting at us!" I quickly started swerving to the left and right in an attempt to throw it off.
"D-Don't worry, George, we're faster than it, remember?" Lyra didn't look too sure of herself.
"Right!" said Tetesac, his eyes darting back and forth between the car and the RYAN. "I think you simply need to get out of its range!"
"What the hell kind of range does that thing have?!"
"I don't know! You're the one who built it!"
Another explosion rocked the car even more severely than last time. I quickly looked back to check for damage, fortunately not seeing any.
"Alright, I hope to God we get out of range soon!"
Lyra looked back at how far away the RYAN is. "Yeah, well, you better hope really, really hard! I didn't plan on getting blown up today!"
I kept my eyes on the land ahead of me, but they were slowly drawn to something else. A red button, next to the steering wheel. Below it was a label saying "Nitrous oxide - Experimental feature - Do not touch!"
"O-Okay," I said, bringing my hand close to the button. "This might help us..."
"Wait, George!" said Tetesac, trying to lean forward and read the label. "You don't know what that does!"
"Yeah, a big red button can't mean anything good!" Lyra added.
"Screw that, I'm pressing it." And I did just that.
It took me a second to register exactly what was happening, but I came to realize that we were traveling along the ground at a ludicrous speed that made it hard for me to even lean forward.
"H-Holy God! Too fast! Too fast! God help us, we're all gonna die!" I couldn't help but freak out, considering I could barely even see. Looking down to keep the wind out of my eyes, I noticed a compartment that had opened that contained a pair of goggles. I quickly snatched them and put them on.
"Okay, okay, okay! Okay! We're good! No need to worry! I can see now!" And what did I see, but a hill coming up in the distance right in front of us. A small, innocent hill, with an uphill grade that couldn't have been more than 25 degrees.
"Oh jeez, stop! Stop stop stop!" I hit the brakes, I turned the wheel as hard as I could, to no avail. We went soaring off the hill in the most majestic way possible, powered by nitrous-fueled rockets.
"Holy crap! We're flying, guys! We're flying, I tell you!" My enthusiasm was short-lived, however, for as quickly as we had started flying, we had now started falling. I braced myself as the car hit the ground and all four of its wheels instantly popped off, the car sliding for a bit and then coming to a stop as its wheels, now free as birds, rolled off into the distance.
"D-D-Did we land? Are we stopped?" I was clenching the steering wheel like I was trying to strangle it.
"Yeah, yeah, we're fine..." Lyra looked like she was about to throw up, having turned a shade of green only slightly different from her fur.
"You, Tetesac? You alright?" I looked to the backseat only to see that Tetesac had passed out completely.
"Well then." I shakingly got out of the car to survey the damage, as Lyra did the same. "Hm, yeah, I think- No, yeah, I think I see the problem here. Issue here is that we don't got wheels no more."
"Nice going, royal scientist," said Lyra.
"Oh, shut up, it's just a prototype. God, what are we gonna do now?" I looked behind us off into the distance. "Well, at least we can't see the RYAN anymore."
"Yeah, but for how much longer? We've gotta get moving again somehow."
"That wouldn't be an issue right now if our wheels weren't currently taking an express trip over the horizon."
Just then, Tetesac shifted for a moment, and suddenly jolted awake. "W-Whuh? Where am I?"
I looked at him for a second before responding. "You're in the world of the living, Tetesac."
He looked around for a moment before sighing. "Well, that is a tremendous relief." He slowly dragged himself out of the car and placed himself next to me and Lyra. "Ooh. That, on the other hand, is not."
"Yeah, tell me about it," I said, placing my hands in my pockets.
Tetesac didn't respond, simply standing there for a second before going around to the back of the car and opening the trunk. "Oh dear. This isn't going to help us any, either."
I walked around behind the car to see what he meant. Yeah, I can agree with his assessment. Every single bottle of whiskey that was stored in the back of the car was shattered to bits.
"Perhaps we should have used non-glass bottles," said Tetesac.
"Yeah, tell me about it," I replied, shutting the trunk. "I mean, at least the car still works, right? We just need wheels."
At that moment, as if I had jinxed it, I heard a small explosion, and smoke started rising from the hood.
"Oh, for god's sake." I walked over to the front of the car and opened the hood, only to receive a generous gift of smoke in the face. After a bit of coughing and waving the smoke away, I took a look at the engine to see that it had pretty much fallen apart.
Yeah, okay, that was the final straw. I slammed the hood shut and strolled ever-so-calmly back to Tetesac and Lyra. "So, all in all, we've got no engine, we've got no wheels, we've got no fuel, and on top of that, the trunk now smells like a hangover. And on top of that, we're stranded in the middle of an open field of grass and dirt, with an invincible homicidal tank on our tail that's bound to kill both us and the entire population of Ponyville. Now, isn't that just fuckin' amazing? Everything that possibly could have gone wrong, has gone wrong!"
"Yes," replied Tetesac. "I like to call that 'Humphrey's Law'."
"Dammit, Titty Sack, I can't believe I'm saying this, but this is no time for jokes!"
"Er, well..." Lyra stood there trying to think of something. "George, you've got magic stuff, right? Even if it's broken, you might be able to help this situation somehow."
"None of my powers I've tried involve MARVIN repair, or conjuring up wheels and whiskey. And even if they did, I'd probably just blow the damn thing up."
"Well," Tetesac interjected, "We don't have many options, do we? You might as well try."
"Try what? The car's a lost cause."
"Well," said Lyra, "You can teleport, right?"
"Only in a small radius around me." I looked down at my hands solemnly. "And I've got no idea if I can bring others along for the ride. But then again, only one way to find out!"
Without warning, I grabbed Tetesac's hand and Lyra's horn, and prepared to try this unlikely theory out.
"H-Hey!" exclaimed Lyra, "I have hooves for a reason!"
"No time to worry about that," I said, "We're making history here!" I prepared to wave my arm to the right for the first time in a while, only to realize that I can't do that with my right hand firmly grasping Lyra's horn.
"Oh, wait, I have to wave my arm for this. Okay, uh, Lyra, come back around and grab my other arm." Lyra did just that, but instead of using her hoof like any reasonable person would expect, she instead bit my arm.
"Agh! Don't bite me! Just use your hoof, dammit!"
"Oh, right, sorry," said Lyra, sheepishly. "We don't usually grab stuff with our hooves."
In any case, I closed my eyes and focused on Canterlot. Everything that had happened there came back to me in a blur as I kept imagining that one place we needed so sorely to get to. I can only imagine I looked like someone who was severely constipated as I started attempting to focus my willpower into getting there. And with that, I slowly waved my arm to the right.
I felt us move, only for a moment.
"Are we there? Did we make it?" I slowly opened my eyes, to see, to my complete and utter amazement, that we...
...were five feet to the right.
"Welp," I said, letting go of Tetesac and Lyra, "I guess that's not going to be our Deus Ex Machina."
"Sure, but at least now you know you can take others with you," Lyra said optimistically.
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean crap if I can't actually go where I want to."
"Well," said Tetesac, "Our only hope is that you can figure something out. There ought to be some part of your power that isn't completely broken."
"I sure hope so," I said, sitting down in the grass. "It'd be nice to not have to be responsible for the death of god knows how many ponies."
I got up and walked over to the MARVIN. "Maybe if I hadn't built this thing to be such a piece of crap..." I brought my foot back and kicked it as hard as I possibly could.
Okay, bad idea.
"AAAGH!" I promptly grabbed my foot, now in considerable pain, and started hopping around on the other. "G-DAH! Goddamn it, these shoes give, like, no protection!"
I didn't have much time to worry about this, though, as I quickly ceased my hopping and yelling when I heard the melodious sound of an engine starting.
"...Wait, what the hell?" Suddenly ignoring my foot, I ran over to the front of the car and opened the hood to see, to my complete astonishment, the engine, all in one piece and running like a dream. I looked over at Lyra and Tetesac, who were similarly shocked.
"We-he-hell!" I slammed the hood shut and did a little spin. "Would ya fuckin' look at me! Master car repairman over here!"
"Yes, that's quite impressive, George!" said Tetesac, grinning. "However, we still do not have any wheels or fuel to speak of."
"Yeah, but at least we're getting somewhere!" I jumped up and clicked my heels in midair, only to spot something in the distance behind us. A little black speck, which I was sure to be the RYAN.
"Shit! And not a moment too soon! The RYAN's gaining on us! We gotta think of something right now!"
"Oh jeez," said Lyra nervously, "Uhm, maybe kick the MARVIN again?"
"Right!" I went over and kicked the car, making sure to do it considerably lighter this time, only to have nothing happen. "Damn it!"
"Wait one moment," said Tetesac, squinting into the distance. "That isn't the RYAN, that's a train!"
"A train?" I said skeptically. Looking into the distance again, though, I could see he was right. That really was a train. "Oh, well that's a tremendous relief."
It took me a second to realize what that meant, but after a moment it finally clicked. "Oh shit! A train! That could be our ticket out of here!"
"But how are we going to get on?!" asked Lyra, walking in place anxiously. "There's no way it's stopping out here!"
"Hm... teleportation's too risky, and there's no way we can jump on something so fast..." Just then, my eyes were slowly drawn to the MARVIN. Particularly, the winch on the front of it. At the same time, I looked over at the train tracks we'd been following. "...Guys, I have an idea."
"Do you, now?" asked Tetesac, skeptically.
"Quick, no time to explain! Everyone push the MARVIN as close as you can to about a foot away from the train tracks!"
Without questioning it, me and Tetesac went to the MARVIN and started shoving it towards the tracks. Lyra, like some lazy pony, elected to use her magic to help us push. Regardless of the methods used, however, we managed to get the MARVIN close enough.
"Okay," I said, running around to the front of the car and beginning to yank the rope out of the winch. "Everyone get in the car, now!"
"George, are you planning what I think you are?!" asked Tetesac, clearly frightened.
"Just shut up and get in, quick!" I pulled rope out of the winch until I could pull no more, and jumped over the hood into the driver's seat. I looked behind us to see the train coming up fast.
"Alright, everyone! Please stay seated and keep your two arms and six legs inside the vehicle at all times! Keep your heads back against the seats and get ready as fuck!"
The train was now passing us. I had only one shot at this, and I needed to make it count very, very badly. I stood up and held the hook ready. I turned my head back to see the caboose about to pass us. I snapped forward, hoped to the gods for the best, and threw that damn thing as hard as I possibly could.
To my actual, legitimate amazement this time, it successfully latched on to the handrail at the end of that very last car of the train. I quickly sat myself back down in my seat and grabbed the steering wheel as the rope began to run out.
"BRACE YOURSELVES, GOD DAMN IT!"
The car simply sat there for an awkward moment before it was suddenly yanked forward at a speed that I swear almost gave me whiplash. We sped forward, being slowly dragged onto the train tracks, momentarily going for a very bumpy ride on the sleepers.
"Agh- god- not- this- shit- a- gain-"
After a short moment of this, we finally ended up grinding on the rails, sparks flying everywhere. I took a moment to catch my breath as the ear-grating sound of metal on metal pierced my senses. I looked back at Tetesac and Lyra, who were both clutching their seats the best they could.
"You guys alright?"
Tetesac slowly began to speak first. "T-That..."
"No time for that now! We've gotta get off this damn thing! Once the train hits a turn, god knows where this thing will go flying! We've gotta climb that rope onto the train itself, and real fuckin' quick!" I jumped up and waved Lyra and Tetesac over. They started to climb up towards the driver's seat while I prepared to grab onto the rope. I looked down at the tracks rushing under the rope, and momentarily received a grim reminder of my mortality. Well, it's either possibly die now, or probably die later. I slowly crouched down and grabbed the rope, but was interrupted by Lyra biting my arm again.
"Agh! What is it?! We've gotta hurry!"
"I've got magic! I can just levitate you guys over!"
"...Oh. Okay. Yeah, let's do that." With that, I found myself encased in a mint-green bubble and moving slowly towards the back of the car.
"Don't... usually move... big living things... can't break concentration..." Lyra was clearly trying her hardest to get me over there, but I think someone must've left a penny on the tracks or something, because we hit a bump, Lyra faltered, and I found myself falling.
"WOAHLYSHIT-" was all I could get out before I, luckily, managed to grab hold of the rope. Literally hanging on for dear life, I shouted back at Lyra for a second. "Dammit, Lyra, you almost killed me!"
"Sorry! I'm sorry! Here, I'll pick you back up again-"
"No, I'll be fine! Get Tetesac across!" I started slowly inching my way towards the caboose, watching Tetesac become engulfed in mint and start slowly being moved towards me.
I finally managed to get close enough to the caboose to grab hold of the handrail and pull myself over, landing on my arm. Ouch. I quickly got up to see Tetesac arrive right next to me, being gently placed on the platform. "Alright, Lyra!" Tetesac called back to her, "Now, are you able to levitate yourself across?"
"I-I can't do that!"
"What?" I exclaimed, "You telling me unicorns can't levitate themselves? The hell kind of sense does that make?!"
"W-Well, some can, but not me. Even the ones that can are usually only able to do it for a few seconds!"
"Okay," said Tetesac, "That's fine, just climb across the rope! You have our full support!"
"Okay... Alright..." Lyra didn't seem too sure of herself as she touched the rope with her hoof.
I took a moment to lean over the side of the train and look ahead, only to see that we were headed for an oh-so-dreaded turn.
"Lyra! Goddamn it, hurry! It's either possibly die now or definitely die in about 15 seconds!"
That got her going. She pulled herself onto the rope, letting out a small scream after her legs allowed her to swing upside down. Nevertheless, she started inching toward us as fast as she possibly could, and as soon as she was close enough, me and Tetesac grabbed her hooves and pulled her onto the caboose just as the train hit the turn, knocking us all over.
The three of us stood up only to see the MARVIN now bouncing around in all sorts of angles, still being pulled along by the train.
"Yeah," I said, almost completely breathless. "It's a damn good thing we weren't on that." I grabbed the hook and pulled it off the handrail, leaving the car behind and out of its misery.
I took this moment of solace to slump down against the door to the cabin. "Holy shit. I can't believe that worked."
"Y-Yes," said Tetesac. He looked even more out of breath than me, which was a surprise considering he basically cheated to get across. "That... was quite a plan, George."
"Hey, if it's stupid, and it works, it's not stupid."
"No," said Lyra, kicking me in the leg. "That was pretty stupid. There were a whole ton of parts to that where we could've easily been turned into a mass of red paste."
"Well," I said, "The fact of the matter is, we're on a train headed in Ponyville's general direction at a speed that's way faster than the RYAN. I consider this a victory." And with that, I stood up and opened the door to the cabin. Just like the last train, there were four bunks on each side of the cabin, one of them occupied by a yellow stallion who had been reading a book up until now. He simply stared at us with extreme confusion and possibly fear as we walked in.
"Do not worry, simple pony," I said, giving a slight bow. "We come in peace." The stallion responded by dropping his book and shutting his curtains. I walked over to the book and picked it up. Lyra looked over my shoulder to see what it was, only to give a disgusted groan. "Fifty Shades of Neigh? Not only is that guy perverted, he has really bad taste."
"...You know what, I'm not even going to ask." And with that, I threw the book back through the curtains, myself hearing a thud and a slight yelp after it traveled through.
"Well," said Tetesac, "I do believe we deserve to take a seat after this, do we not?"
"Oh, definitely," I said. I promptly placed myself in the bunk directly behind me, while Tetesac took the one on top, and Lyra the one to the left.
"...These bunks are rather small," said Tetesac from above. "I cannot even fully stretch out my legs."
"Well, yeah," replied Lyra. "They're made for ponies."
Just then, the door at the other end of the car opened, and in walked a pony wearing clothes that told me she was the ticket collector. She was also wearing an expression that told me she was very confused, as we all stared at her, and she simply stared back. After a moment of this, she simply shook her head and began to leave. "Man, all the crazy stuff I see, I don't even care anymore," she said.
"Wait!" I said, successfully getting her to stop.
"Yeah, what is it, Mister Human?"
"Where does this train go?"
"Canterlot." And with that, she turned around and left through the door.
"Wow," said Lyra, "She didn't even ask for our tickets."
"Forget that!" I said excitedly. I jumped out of my bunk and faced my two cohorts. "We are headed directly for Canterlot! Would you believe this shit?! Hah!" I began doing a little dance right there in the cabin.
"Yes, it is nice to have something finally go well for us in this little adventure of ours," said Tetesac, stroking his beard and grinning.
"So," said Lyra, "We should probably work out how we're going to explain this to the princesses now, and more importantly, how we're even going to get to the princesses to explain this to them."
"Right," I said, "Good point. I probably shouldn't just barge in there and go 'What's up, bitches, I've got some princesses to talk to!'."
"In all likeliness," said Tetesac, "We are probably going to have to let ourselves get arrested. There is simply no way we will be able to talk ourselves in."
"Who the hell needs talking? All we need, I tell you, is stealth. Well, that and teleportation."
After a while, we finally pulled into Canterlot's train station. By now, the sky was transitioning into nighttime. I was glad that our goal was finally within reach, and now, all we needed to do was get to Princess Celestia and talk to her.
"Alright," said Lyra, "What's your plan on this whole stealth thing? And what's wrong with just letting ourselves get arrested?"
"Time's not on our side here, Lyra! If we get arrested, god knows how long it'll take to be able to speak with either of the princesses! No, breaking in will lead to far more instant results."
"And if we get caught and imprisoned?" Tetesac inquired.
"Then we'll go with your plan, Tetesac. But for now, let's go with mine."
With that, the three of us exited the train out the back. What followed next was a series of fumbles and mistakes that there's no way what we were doing could possibly be referred to as "stealth". I'm pretty sure we were seen by at least 35 ponies out there. But, regardless, we eventually managed to make our way over to the castle's outer walls, sticking to them as to not be seen.
"Alright, guys, grab on to me. This might work, and it might not." Lyra and Tetesac grabbed my arm, Lyra taking care to use her hoof this time, and I waved my arm to the right. To my surprise, we actually got through the wall.
"Nice job, George," whispered Lyra. We were now directly outside the castle itself. The area we were in was thankfully not teeming with guards, but we still had to find a way inside. I scanned the place for a second before noticing a pony walk out of a small side door, pushing a cake on a trolley. The three of us ran over to that spot and stood there for a moment before I relayed our exact plan to Tetesac and Lyra.
"Alright, judging from that cake, this is probably the palace kitchen, which will be teeming with cooks. We've gotta slowly sneak through and not get seen by any of these guys. See, chefs use lots of sharp objects for their job, which makes them kinda scary. So we probably shouldn't get caught here."
"Hey, wait a minute, who made you the leader?" asked Lyra teasingly.
"I did! Now, let's just slowly open this door..." And with that, I pushed the door open with my hand and looked inside, only to meet gazes with about five different pony chefs.
"Uh. Okay. Guys, follow my lead, okay?" I whispered. After these words left my mouth, I quickly stood up and walked into the kitchen, trying to look as confident as possible. "Greetings, chef ponies! I am the health inspector, personally hired by Princess Celestia due to my uncanny ability to spot even the smallest of code violations! These are my two assistants, Dumbass and Stupidface, and this is a mandatory routine inspection!" While saying this, I made sure to slowly waltz my way towards the other door as the chefs continued to stare at us and whisper between each other. "Now, there are a good many things we tend to look for in our health inspections, but the most important one is always- OKAYGUYSLET'SGO." And with that I dashed through the door into the castle's hallways. "Okay, let's find the throne room as quick as humanly possible!"
"Wait," said Lyra as we ran. "Which one of us was Stupidface?"
"That's a secret!" I said, looking around at the decorations on the walls, trying to remember what they looked like from the last time I was here. "Goddamn it, why is this castle so big?" By this point I heard a decent bit of pony shouting. Sounds like we've been found out.
"G-George..." said Tetesac, trying his damned best to keep up. "Make a left here!"
I noticed the turn up ahead, and I dashed into the hallway, only to be met with two guards.
"Halt!" one said. "You humans and... pony... are trespassing on royal grounds! You are under arrest!" said the other.
"Dammit, Tetesac!" I said, "Why'd you lead us straight into two guards?!"
"George, look up ahead!" said Lyra. I craned my neck to see above the guards, and lo and behold, there was the door to the throne room. We're so close...
"George," said Tetesac. "Run, quick."
"What? What are you doing?"
"Just leave me here! I'll be fine! You and Lyra get in there!" And with that he turned to the guards. "Hey, look! It's me! The King of Humans! Your greatest enemy! Arrest me, quick, before I declare war!"
And with that distraction, me and Lyra dashed past the guards straight toward the throne room. I bashed the huge doors open with my shoulder and ran inside.
"What's up, bitches?! I've got some princesses to talk t-GAH!"
And with that, I was cut off by the stunning amount of force that comes with being tackled by a guard.
"Ooooogh." That was about all I could get out as the weight of the guard on top of me slowly pushed the air out of my lungs like a whoopee cushion.
Thankfully, I heard a familiar voice save me from death by suffocation. "Please, Hoofington, get off him." The weight on my back was suddenly lifted, and I slowly looked up to see none other than Celestia herself walking over to me, in all her majesty and stuff.
"I will admit," she said, stopping right in front of me. "I did not expect this. What possible reason could you have to want to return here?"
I slowly righted myself, straightened my tie, and looked behind me momentarily, to see Lyra and Tetesac being led in by the rest of the guards.
"And this time you've even brought a pony with you, along with... King Tetesac?" Celestia seemed to be very confused by now, to the point that she actually took a step back. "What is going on here?"
"Ah, that," said Tetesac, walking up beside me. "We come bearing a very important warning."
"If this is a threat," said Celestia, "I have no interest-"
"No, no, no!" I said, stepping in front of Tetesac. "Not a threat, an actual warning! Right now, as we speak in this very room, there is currently a tank - I repeat, a frickin' tank - headed straight for Ponyville."
"...A tank?"
"Yes! I repeat again, a tank! An automated, self piloted, frenzied, homicidal tank on a path of destruction! And if you guys don't do something about that, Ponyville is as good as screwed!"
"Slow down, please," she said, raising a hoof. "This tank is set to destroy Ponyville? Where did it come from? And how do you know about it?"
"Uh... Oh, yeah. That's a good question." I looked back at Lyra, who didn't look like she was gonna help me with this.
I thought back to saying it was Humphrey Walt that built it, but honestly, that still felt like I was misleading her. And it just didn't seem like the best time to do that. "Aaaaagh. God damn me and my moral compass. Okay, look, the thing is, I'm the one who built it."
"You? Why would you do such a thing?"
"That's not important right now! Fact of the matter is, the tank's coming, and I don't feel like becoming a murderer today. Thing is, the tank is all resistant to everything I tried in stopping it."
"All you did was throw yourself on top of it," Lyra interjected.
"I didn't ask for your input! Now, I figured the best one to go to in order to resolve this dilemma would be you, hence why we're here. Lyra and Tetesac here can vouch for the Tank's existence."
"Yeah," added Lyra, "That thing almost killed us!"
"And we almost killed ourselves getting here," said Tetesac, who looked like he was having war flashbacks.
Celestia was about to say something, but a certain alicorn I recognized stepped up to her left side. "Sister, feel free to rest, it is about time-" She stopped herself when her eyes were drawn to us.
"Oh, hey, Luna," I said, giving a little wave.
Luna didn't respond, simply turning to Celestia. "What is happening here?"
"These three claim that there is a tank built by this man, George, that is set to destroy Ponyville. They say they came here to warn us, so we could stop it."
"And why would you do such a thing, George?" said Luna, now looking almost as irritated as Celestia.
"Look, I assure you, there is a perfectly... uh, existent explanation for all this. But we need to focus on stopping the tank first and foremost. Thankfully we've got a couple days before it gets here, but the more time to prepare, the better!"
Celestia simply sighed. "Very well. Hoofington."
The guard who had tackled me perked up. "Yes, Your Highness?"
"Arrange a search party to skim the outskirts of Equestria for a tank on route to Ponyville. If you see anything, report back immediately." Hoofington simply saluted and left the room.
"It says RYAN on the side, you can't miss it!" I called out to him, "By the way, that thing is really damn dangerous! Don't get too close to it! We found that out the hard way!"
"Well," said Celestia, "While that is happening, I believe we have sufficient time for you to explain why this tank is heading towards Ponyville in the first place."
"Oh, yes, right," I said, scratching my head. "Kind of a long story. Where do I begin with this?"
"The beginning, of course."
I took the next few minutes or so to explain everything that had led up to this moment, from the attack on Ponyville up to now. Tetesac and Lyra took care to add in some things I forgot, of course, but by the end she seemed to be satisfied by our explanation. I think.
"So..." she said, looking a bit troubled. "Your story about your memory loss was true, then. I must apologize for that situation, it had really seemed like you tried to hit me with that inadvertent fireball."
"Yeah, I can't imagine how much worse things would have been for me if I actually had hit you," I said, restraining a small amount of laughter.
"I am especially sorry to hear about your daughter, George," said Luna. "I am happy to hear you have overcome your grief, however."
"I think that's mostly due to the memory loss," I said. "Honestly, I think it's probably a good thing it happened. It seems I went pretty crazy after Sandra died. As evidenced by the tank."
"Yes, well," interjected Celestia, "While I do have more reason to believe your claims now, I believe I should wait until we get a report back from the royal guard until we start acting on them."
"That's... reasonable," I said, crossing my arms. "What are we gonna do until then, though?"
"We would like to request that you do not leave the castle," said Celestia. "However, rather than imprisoning you, we will allow you to have your own rooms in the castle for the time being. Consider it a short-term house arrest until we decide how to deal with this situation."
"Well, I will say, it's not a bad house to be arrested in," I said, having gone back to admiring the decorations.
"One other thing", said Celestia, "When Luna arrived, you responded as if you two have met before. Have you two met previously, sister?"
"Ah, yes, that," said Luna, looking back to me. "I visited him in a dream a few days ago, to ask him to convince King Tetesac to sign a peace treaty with Equestria."
"Oh, right! I forgot all about that!" I said, turning to Tetesac. "I did mention it before, but now you two are in prime treaty-signing position!"
"...Ah," said Tetesac, tugging at his beard. "Well, George, you make a good point, but-"
"But what? They want a treaty, and you want a treaty, what's the big deal? You might as well sign it so this whole situation doesn't end with me being arrested again."
"Look," said Tetesac, holding up his hand as to silently tell me to stop talking. "As much good as that would do, as I've said, I cannot do that at the moment. I... George, can I speak with you privately?"
"Uh, sure?" I turned to Celestia and pointed back at Tetesac. "Is there anywhere us two can have a little private chat?"
"There is a balcony up the spiral staircase on the right outside the door," said Celestia. "You will be accompanied by guards, but you may speak privately there."
"Doesn't sound too private to me, but I'll take what I can get." With that, I started walking out the door, with Tetesac closely following.
"What's this about?" I whispered back to him.
"Be patient, George," he whispered back.
The two of us slowly slogged our way up the spiral staircase, finally reaching the top after what felt like 75 steps.
"Only seventy-five steps and you are already tuckered out, George?" said Tetesac, for once less tired than me, somehow. "You should get more in shape."
"I'm not tired because of the stairs, I've just had a long-ass day," I said, leaning on the rail on the edge of the balcony. Tetesac did the same next to me.
"This city is rather pretty at night, isn't it?" He said, staring at the streets below.
"Yeah, I guess it is, Mister Titty Sack," I said, surveying the starry sky above instead.
"George, you don't have to keep calling me that. My full name is Carlton Burr Tetesac."
"...Okay, 'Carlton'. So, what is it you brought me here for?"
"George, I'm afraid I haven't been entirely forthcoming with you on something."
I let my vision instinctively snap over to him. "No shit. You're kinda the king of 'not being forthcoming on things'."
Tetesac sighed. "Yes, it's just that... Ergh. George, I am rather bad at my job."
"Your job, like, as king? Why do you say that?"
"A king needs to be strong, George. I'm a weak man, physically and mentally. I can only imagine one strong decision I've made recently, and that was what I did to you. And even then, it was the easy thing to do."
"Okay, so you have emotion and stuff. I don't see what you're getting at here."
"George, you clearly want to know why I won't sign a peace treaty with Equestria. So I'll tell you. Just, I implore you to consider the position I'm in before you jump to any conclusions."
"Tetesac, if anything, you talking like this is making me envision a whole bunch of extra conclusions."
Tetesac sighed yet again, turning to me. "You'd be surprised what three years of self-circulated propaganda can do to alter a population's views, George. On that note, as you know, many people have a great distaste for ponies. Not all, but many. Well, the thing is, this comes with many others who, logically, don't support a peace treaty with Equestria. And along with that comes people who I would like to refer to as 'extremist groups'. I'm already not the most well-liked king there could possibly be, George. And the reason I haven't signed a treaty with Equestria is because, to this day, I continue to hear talk that if I do follow through on that, they will make attempts to assassinate me and put a new ruler in power."
I took my hands off the rail. "Wait, what? You mean to tell me there's people with plans to kill you? That's why you're holding off on the treaty?"
"Yes. I cannot muster up the courage to endanger my life, even for my own kingdom. Isn't that just pathetic?" Tetesac gripped the handrail and stared straight forward into the night.
"That's... I have no idea what to say about that. It sounds really stupid, yet I sort of understand where you're coming from, and yet, it's still really damn stupid." I took my hands off the rail. "So, if you're so afraid, why not just step down from power? Have someone else take up the responsibility, if you can't handle it?"
"Because," said Tetesac, "If I step down, the people will likely place someone with more... anti-Equestrian views in the throne, and the last thing we need right now is escalated conflict with them. I could pick someone specifically to succeed me, but unfortunately none of the less misguided people are really the sort that could lead a kingdom. And that includes you, George. I know that look on your face."
I stepped back and jokingly dropped my mouth open in astonishment. "Wh-What? No, I wasn't thinking- No, trust me, I wouldn't take that job even if you were stupid enough to offer it to me."
"Well," said Tetesac, "This would be the part where I'd ask you for advice, but I know you'd simply tell me to 'Man up and sign the treaty', or something along those lines. So I'm just going to imagine you said that just now and reply with 'I'll think about it.'."
"Really? What exactly changed in the last few minutes that made you start considering it?"
"Well, I'm almost getting a bit annoyed from you bugging me about it."
"Aha, so I am good at something! Annoying people! 'Cause that's such a great thing to be good at."
After a while longer, me and Tetesac walked back into the throne room only to find that Lyra was gone, Luna now being the only one in the room. I ran up to the Moon Princess, who was now seated comfortably on her throne. "Hey, where'd Lyra go off to?"
"She is in her room. Now, did you and Tetesac work something out?"
I looked back at Tetesac, who did absolutely nothing. "Well, on the treaty thing, we got from 'no' to 'I'll think about it'. Though, just between you and me, I think he only said that to shut me up."
"I see. Well, we still have some time to work things out. Until then, Guards, please show these two to their respective rooms," she said, signaling a few guards to come over here.
"Yes, your highness. Follow me, you two," said the one in the middle, who happened to be the one who had tackled me earlier.
As we followed him out, I couldn't resist saying something to him. "I gotta say, Hoofington, that was one hell of a tackle back there. I think one of my ribs wound up in my stomach somehow."
"Thanks... I think," he surprisingly replied. "We guards train hard and steadfast to ensure both Canterlot's and her Royal Highness's protection. As such, we act fast on any potential threats, including humans barging into the throne room while shouting profanities."
"I mean, technically, I only said one 'profanity'. But, yeah, I get what you mean. Sorry about freaking you guys out, you gotta understand the sort of thing that's at stake here."
"Judging from the conversations between you three and Celestia, yes, I understand. Besides, with that and the tackle, I'd say we're about even," he said, giving a hint of a smile. Man, I didn't expect any of these guys to show emotion. "In any case, here are your two rooms," he said, stopping between two doors that were a few yards apart. "You will be served meals at regular times of day. You are free to move around the castle, but you are not permitted to leave the grounds until further notice. We will notify you all in the morning when Princess Celestia is prepared to meet with you again." The three guards promptly turned around and left.
"Well," I said, turning to Tetesac, "I'd say this is going pretty alright."
"That will be decided in two days' time, George," he said. "We still have a tank to stop."
"Right, of course. No reason not to get a decent night's sleep before that, though." And with that, I opened the door to my room. "Holy crap."
I gotta say, the room was pretty damn nice. Directly across from me was a set of double doors that led to a balcony. On the right side of the room, there was a large bed draped in blankets and pillows of a crimson or scarlet nature. On the left there was an open doorway that led into what seemed from this angle to be a bathroom.
Well, this certainly beats the dungeons, I thought to myself. I promptly trotted over to the bed and let myself fall onto it, wrapping myself up in the covers. "Ahh, so cozy." Unfortunately, my moment of ecstasy was cut short by a knock at the door. "Goddammit," I said, throwing the blanket off myself and dragging myself over to the door. I pulled it open to meet gazes with a chef pony with a tray on wheels in front of him, with what seemed to be a meal on a plate covered by a silver lid.
"Ooh, is that for me?" I said, eyeing the lid. I really wanted to lift that and see what was under it.
"Yes, this is what we have prepared for you for supper. I hope it meets your satisfaction, we are not too well-versed in human eating habits."
I have a tendency to forget when I'm hungry, but hearing the word "supper" sure as hell reminded me that it had been a while since I had last eaten. I lifted the lid and my eyes met with a plate full of various forms of food, including a roll, some celery, some carrot mush (whoop-dee-doo), and to my surprise, an entire fried fish. And a glass of water, of course.
"Hot damn, looks good to me!" I promptly pulled the tray through the door, not bothering to look back at the chef while giving him a "Thanks, man!"
"That is a relief, we really took a shot in the dark with the Equestrian Cod there-"
"Yeah, I'm sure it's great! I'd like to get to eating now, though, I'm really hungry."
"Right, of course. Enjoy it!"
"Yeah, I will!" I promptly shut the door and sat myself down on the bed, ready to attack this plate. And before I could even blink, the fish had been reduced to a pile of bones, while the roll and celery had simply ceased to exist.
"Damn, that was some good-ass fish," I said to myself, picking a flake of flesh out of my teeth. "I had no idea they even had those. I'm gonna need to ask Lyra about that in the morning." But damn, I was still a little hungry. I took a look at my plate, the only thing remaining was the pile of carrot mush. I eyed it in a way that I would stare down a long-time enemy.
"...You know what, screw it." I grabbed my spoon and shoveled it all into my mouth in a single bite like a real man.
Unsurprisingly, I soon ended up slightly regretting the choice of forcing down that carrot mush. I don't know why, but I felt a little nauseous for a while after that, like it was spoiled or something. Yeah, my compliments to the chef. Bellissimo.
After a brief stint of lying in the bed, a knock at the door grabbed my attention. I hopped off the bed and walked over to the door, swinging it open to see Lyra standing there.
"Oh," I said, "Hey Lyra."
"Hey, George," she replied, walking into the room. "How're you liking the castle?"
"It's pretty damn nice, I'd say. I wouldn't mind being under 'house arrest' for a little while longer in this place. Their room service is top-notch, and I didn't even have to pay for it! Speaking of, I didn't know you ponies had fried fish."
"Oh, yeah. Some ponies eat that stuff. I'm definitely not a fan of it, though," she said. "So, anyway, how'd that talk with Tetesac go?"
"Oh, that. Yeeeeeah, not too good. Still a no-go on the treaty thing," I sighed, leaning against the door.
"Really? What is it that's holding him back?"
"Well," I said, shutting the door and sitting myself down on the bed, "Don't tell anyone I told you this, but it turns out Tetesac's afraid he'll get assassinated if he signs the treaty."
"...Wait, seriously?"
"Yeah, seriously. What're your thoughts on that?"
"Well, I mean, a king is supposed to be able to risk his life for his ponies - or rather, people. He doesn't seem to be a very good king if he can't make decisions like that."
"My thoughts exactly," I said. "Even he himself admits he's a crappy king. Thing is, he can't seem to find anyone else who's willing and able to do the job and, more importantly, doesn't have a vendetta against ponies."
"I guess that kinda does sound like a tough situation for him to be in. But, I mean, doesn't he have guards and stuff to protect him? He's the king!"
"I didn't think to ask about that," I said. "Regardless of that, though, as scary death can be, the chances of that actually happening to our one and only 'Carlton Burr Tetesac' are pretty low, I'd think."
"Wait, that's his full name?"
"Apparently."
"It's kinda dumb sounding."
"I know."
"So, anyway," She said, moving to a different conversation topic, "What do you think's gonna happen once this whole RYAN thing is over?"
"Hell if I know," I said, letting myself fall back onto the bed. "Technically I'm breaking the law just by being here, but maybe Celestia will appreciate me warning her about the tank."
"Yeah," said Lyra, "Even considering the fact that you built it, Princess Celestia is a pretty kind and forgiving pony. I imagine the worst she'll do is send you back to Anthropia."
"Best case scenario, though," I added, "is Tetesac signing that damn treaty. I could imagine the human ban in Equestria completely dissolving if that happens. Then I wouldn't have to worry about being arrested if I ever came back here. First and the most foremost, though, we've gotta figure out how we're going to stop that stupid tank. That's the most important thing."
"Yeah, we'll have to figure that out tomorrow. For now, though, I'm gonna head back to my room and get some sleep. See you in the morning, George." And with that, she opened the door and left.
"Yeah," I called out as she was leaving, "Me too. I'm tired as hell."
Contrary to that statement, though, I found myself completely unable to fall asleep. Despite how ridiculously comfortable the bed was, I couldn't manage to drift off into unconsciousness. I don't know if it was because of paranoia over the RYAN or something like that, but I eventually looked at the clock on the wall to see that it was 11 PM.
Alright, screw this. I dragged myself out of bed and over to the two doors separating the balcony from the room. I swung them open and looked out over the balcony at the streets below. There were still some ponies out and about, illuminated by the numerous streetlights. I was getting a bit hungry again, and there seemed to be a few restaurants down in the city. If only I could head down to one of them. But no, I'm stuck here in this castle.
I mean, yeah, I am in a castle. I could walk around the place if I wanted, but what's there to see? A lot less than what I can see from this balcony, I'm sure.
Well, at least I can take the time to reflect. Cue the piano music, guys. It's been a short while, but damn, a bunch of stuff has happened over the past week or two. It finally feels like we're nearing the end of all this crap. Finally, I'll be able to settle down, and... do something.
Huh. I guess I haven't put a ton of thought into that. I mean, yeah, I considered the whole "going back to being a royal scientist" thing, but I don't know. I let my mind wander a bit, but then it hit me. It hit me like a ton of... pounds. What about my powers?
I brought my hand up to my face and snapped my fingers, igniting a small, glowing flame above my index. At least I seem to have gotten that down. The question is, can I fix the rest of them? Is it a matter of practice, or are they hard-wired to just suck complete ass? I'm gonna have to ask about this later. Ask who, I have no idea. All I know is I want to see if I can get them fixed. It would be damn cool to actually have some magic that I can control. That is, aside from having a finger that doubles as a lighter.
I turned myself around and headed back inside. Finally, I've got an aspiration that isn't just "lets make sure this town isn't destroyed". That might make falling asleep a little easier. With that thought still in mind, I finally kicked my shoes off and got into bed. It took a while, but I eventually started to fade into sleep.
~The Next Morning~
I didn't dream that night. Or maybe I did, and I just didn't remember it. Either way, the good thing is I woke up. As my mind was brought back into reality by the rays of sunlight shining through the curtains, I suddenly realized something. I really have to pee. This extreme urge to use the bathroom coupled with the fact that I didn't want to get out of bed led to me pretty much dragging myself over to the side and falling off, inadvertently landing on my face.
"Mmph. Dss sht agmph." Yeah, that woke me up. I pushed myself to my feet and got about one second of a sprint towards the bathroom before I was stopped by a knock at the door.
"Damn it, this better be good." I said, running over the door and opening it, hopping in place anxiously. Fortunately, what I saw WAS good.
It was the same pony from last night, with an identical cart as the one presented to me last night. "Mr. Trestale! We've prepared breakfast for you," the pony said. "We knocked on your door earlier, but you were still fast asleep."
I shot the following words out of my mouth as fast as possible so I could get to the bathroom before my bladder exploded. "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! Sure! Yeah! Just push it in! Thanks! Yeah! Compliments to the chef! Mwah! Gotta go!" I promptly slammed the door and headed towards the bathroom, now reduced to having to walk really fast rather than run for fear of ruining my pants. However, right before I reached it, I was stopped in my tracks yet again by another knock.
"God damn it, who is it now?!" I ripped the door open only to be greeted by Lyra.
"George, how long did you sleep in?! Do you realize how late we are?!"
"Right, sorry, they don't have alarm clocks here. Look, I'll be right back, okay?" I started slowly pacing back towards the bathroom as I said this.
"You don't even have your shoes on?! Look, you've got to look formal for the meeting with the Princess! And we need to go now!" I felt my hand engulfed in magic as I started being dragged back towards the door.
"I said I'll be right back, damn it!" I said, trying to resist the magic that was probably going to ruin my only set of clothes. "I've got something I need to do!"
"That can wait! Princess Celestia's been waiting for an hour!" I was promptly dragged out of the doorway into the hall, into the view of a good many guards and a few chefs who happened to be walking through the halls at the time.
"Lyra, I swear to god if you don't let go of me-"
"George, what in the wide, wide world of Equestria could be so important that you need to make the Princess wait even more?!"
"I HAVE TO TAKE A FUCKING PISS, YOU GLORIFIED DONKEY!"
~Five Minutes Later~
I walked into the dining room as formally as I could imagine, still aching a bit from having to postpone my bathroom break for so long. Lyra followed me in, and the two of us sat down next to each other at the rather large table. Tetesac and Celestia were already seated, seemingly having been there for quite a while.
"Well, there you are," said Celestia, looking impatient. "What took you so long? And what was that shouting from the hall earlier?"
"I needed to do something," I said, glaring at Lyra. "It's been done."
"Did you at least sleep well?" asked Tetesac, looking genuinely concerned for some reason.
"Yeah, yeah, I slept like a rock, apparently. You guys seriously need to invest in some alarm clocks, by the way, Princess."
"Well," said Celestia, looking unimpressed, "Every hour wasted is another hour towards the destruction of Ponyville. As you might have expected, the guards I sent out to find the tank did indeed return with a report of there being a tank identical to your description headed toward Ponyville."
"None of them tried to attack it, right?" I asked, a little anxious.
"No, they did not. The tank did not fire at them, either. They all came back fine."
"Well, that's a relief. Now we just gotta worry about preventing a whole bunch of other deaths."
"There is no need to worry about anypony dying, George. I've already had Ponyville evacuated. The town is empty at the moment."
"Well, that's an even bigger relief," said Lyra.
"Oh, yeah, definitely. So, uh, now that you know for sure the tank exists, what do we do now?"
"Well," said Celestia, "First and foremost, I'd like you to tell me as much as you possibly can about this 'RYAN'."
"Right, of course," I said, crossing my arms. "Well, that message old-me left said that it's got this electric shield that renders it invulnerable to physical attacks. It's got a top speed of four miles per hour, meaning it will be here by... well, tomorrow, and, uh... it's green. And it can blow stuff up. It's got this auto-targeting system that almost killed the three of us. That's about all I know."
"I can speak firsthand on the 'almost getting killed' part," said Tetesac.
"Is there any information on how it reacts to magic?" asked Celestia.
"Nope, don't know anything about that. I'd guess that if I didn't say anything about it in the message, it's probably not invincible to it. I can't imagine I'm that amazing of an engineer."
"Well, that helps matters, then. However, there is still the issue of how one could get close enough to attack it without being shot at."
"Right, of course. Well, I can't say I'm well-versed on pony magic. Do you guys have, like, invisibility spells or something?"
"That would probably depend on how the targeting system functions," added Tetesac.
"Hm, that's right. It might work on detection of body heat or something rather than visuals. Probably not a good chance to take."
"Most likely not," said Celestia. "Normally, our first course of action would be to cover the town with a shield. However, given that we do not know the tank's firepower, we cannot rely on it as our only defense."
"Wait, here's an idea!" I said, standing up. "Use your guys' magic and stuff to dig a huge trench around Ponyville! That way, even if the tank ends up getting near the place, it'll just fall in and get stuck. Couple that with the shield around the town and we've got ourselves some pretty good chances."
"Well, that's something," said Lyra. "What would we do with it once it's trapped, though?"
"...Er, that's a good question, actually," I said, leaning back in my chair. "How the hell would we get rid of it?"
"Maybe bury it?" suggested Lyra.
"That would most likely not be a good idea," said Celestia. "That would make the ground around that spot very unpredictable. We'd have to restrict anypony from going within a large radius of it."
"Yeah," I said, "The damn thing would probably try and shoot its way out of the ground- hey, wait, that's it! When it falls in and we bury it, the damn thing will just blow itself up trying to get out of the ground!"
"...Are you sure of that, George?" said Celestia.
"Well, no, but I do know that it automatically shoots things that are blocking its way. I can't imagine it being smart enough to differentiate between dirt and other stuff. And besides, even if it doesn't blow itself up, it'll still be in the ground, unable to do anything. That's pretty much all I can think to do at the moment."
"Well," said Celestia, getting up from her seat, "This should probably be sufficient, then. Of course, if it doesn't work, there's also the option of using magic to destroy it, provided it's not immune to that. I will get a team of unicorns to start digging the trench around Ponyville, and I will write to Twilight explaining the situation. She will be able to assist me in keeping the shield up."
"Twilight?" I asked, righting myself in my chair. "As in Sparkle?"
"Yes," said Celestia, "I'm sure you rememb- Celestia started to form some sentence she wanted to say, but was cut off as the doors to the meeting room suddenly burst open. I jerked my head around to see a group of six very worried looking ponies enter, four of which I recognized.
Yes, it was yet again the very weirdly-named Princess Twilight Sparkle, along with the tag-team duo of Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Tagging along was Pinkie Pie, who I very suddenly remembered I had made a still as-of-yet unfulfilled pinkie promise to, and two others I hadn't met before. One was a yellow pegasus that seemed even more worried than the rest, the other being a white unicorn whose hair was a shade of purple that I really didn't like for some reason.
Twilight was the first to speak up as they entered, merely managing to let out "Princess Celestia! I heard about the-" before she abruptly cut herself off as I turned around and met gazes with her. "...Er, am I interrupting something?" she said, clearly very confused.
"Only my boredom," I said, grinning from cheek to cheek. My grins aren't very wide, okay? "Nice to see you again, Princess."
"Hey, wait a minute!" Rainbow said, stepping out in front of everyone else. "George? What are you still doing here?"
"Oh, not much, just saving the world," I said, unable to lose the shit-eating grin on my face.
"Oh, come on," said Lyra, "You're just saving Ponyville, not the world."
"Hey, I'm sure Ponyville is the world to some," I replied.
"Wait, what?" said Twilight, looking like she was about to have a stroke from pure confusion. "You and Rainbow know each other? And you're here with Princess Celestia, helping solve this whole tank crisis?!"
"I mean, I'm kinda obligated to," I said, finally losing the grin. "I'm kinda a little... well, you know, responsible for it."
"You're responsible for it? What?! Why would you send a tank to destroy Ponyville?!"
"Calm down, please, Twilight," Celestia finally said. "Allow George to explain."
"Right, the explanation," I said. "Well, you see- Ah, shit, I've dug myself into a hole of having to explain this again. Okay, look, I'll give you the general gist. Basically, the story is, I was the royal scientist in Anthropia, I turned evil, I got my memory wiped and ended up in Canterlot, blah blah blah, stuff you already know, I get back to Anthropia and find out that the old, evil me made a tank to destroy Ponyville. So I came back, pretty much undoing everything I did to get there in the first place, so I could tell Celestia here about the tank. And here I am now, discussing with her how to stop it."
"Wait," said Twilight, "So you're telling me that the story of you losing your memories was true the whole time? Princess, is he telling the truth?"
"Well," said Celestia, "I have no real method of verifying it, but both King Tetesac and Lyra here vouch for him. I'm choosing to believe it for now, for the sake of focusing on the tank."
The white one stepped out in front this time. "Twilight, is this the same human that appeared in Canterlot a while ago?"
"Yes, that's him," said Twilight. "I sure didn't expect to find him here of all places."
"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!" squealed a familiar high-pitched voice from the back. My vision was suddenly filled with pink as Pinkie Pie herself seemingly teleported in front of me. "George Trestale the Human! You're still here! Did you ask Celestia about the party yet? Huh?!"
"Uh, yeah, that's me! George Trestale the human! Still here, and, er, I was just about to ask Celestia about that. Funny you showed up right before I was gonna do that, huh? I definitely didn't completely forget about it or anything."
"So you did end up meeting Pinkie," said Rainbow. "I told you you couldn't escape her."
Before I could reply, Applejack spoke up. "So, did y'all hear about how he set a pony's house on fire up in Appleloosa?"
I'm pretty sure I heard the yellow one say "He did?" in response, but it was so quiet I couldn't quite tell.
"I did hear about that," said Celestia. "Though, it didn't occur to me to mention it until now."
Oh, right. That did happen, didn't it? "Aha," I said, faking some sort of laugh. "In my defense, I did manage to put the fire out."
"Yeah, and you soaked all of his stuff in the process," said Lyra. "Not to mention, you were in there specifically to steal stuff."
"Look," I said, putting my hands up. "I think we've got more important stuff to worry about right now. The imminent destruction of Ponyville comes to mind, for example." I turned back to Celestia. "You know, just out of curiosity, what would happen to me if we didn't manage to stop the tank?"
"That... is hard to say," said Celestia. "You not having any memory of actually doing this complicates matters. However, we needn't worry about it right now. Failure in this case shouldn't be considered an option."
"Right," I said, turning back to the six ponies. "And, uh, what're you guys doing here?"
"Well," said Twilight, "When we heard about the tank, naturally we got here as soon as we could to try and help however we can."
"Oh, yeah. Celestia here mentioned she was gonna have you help her keep a shield up around Ponyville."
"Princess Celestia," Twilight corrected me. "Is that right, Princess? We'd all like to help however we can."
"Yes, that's right," said Celestia. "I was going to write to you about it, but you were apparently already on your way here, as I should have expected."
"Right!" I said, getting up from my chair. "Let me relay the plans to the newcomers here. Basically, we just gotta dig this huge trench around Ponyville. Once the tank comes, it'll just fall in, at which point we bury it, and either it'll blow itself up trying to escape, or it'll just do nothing."
"But," said the yellow pegasus who seemed like she was trying to not talk directly to me, "Isn't there somepony in there?"
"Oh, no," I said, putting my hands up defensively. "Evidently I put some kind of AI into that thing. It's entirely self-piloted. So, we don't gotta worry about what happens to it. We've just got to, you know, neutralize it."
"Well, in any case," said Celestia, walking toward the doors, "I'll give the order to have the trench dug as soon as possible for when the tank arrives tomorrow. Do you have any idea of a specific time of day, George?"
"Nope, no idea. Sorry."
"In that case," said Celestia, "From this point until the tank arrives, I will assign shifts for pegasus guards to keep watch for it. We shall wait until it's in close proximity to bring up the shield. Thank you for your help, George."
As she started to leave, one last question popped into my mind. "Hey, one more thing! Um, what the hell am I supposed to do until then?"
I heard a couple unidentified gasps from the six ponies, but Celestia just stopped and turned around. "I will allow you to walk around the city for the day, provided Twilight and her friends are willing to keep watch on you. That includes you, as well, Lyra and Tetesac." And with that, she finally managed to leave the room.
"Wait," said Lyra. "When she said 'that includes you', did she mean that we were included in babysitting George? Or that we're included in being baby-sat?"
"Hang on a second," said Rainbow, flying up to me. "We've gotta babysit George?"
"What, do you have anything better to do?" I asked.
"Well, yeah, actually, there's a lot of things."
"Aw, come on, Rainbow, we're friends, aren't we?" I tried my best to do those cute puppy dog eyes nobody can resist. "Maybe I'll even buy you a lollipop while we're out!"
"But I don't even like lollipops!"
"Oh, that's fine, then, 'cause I don't have any money. Now, then, we'd better get going!" I promptly started marching out the door before stopping myself and turning around. "Hey, Tetesac! You've been awfully quiet! You want to come with?"
Tetesac took a second to react to what I said, suddenly looking up wide-eyed. "Oh, no, thank you, George. I'll stay here, if it's all the same to you."
"Well," I said, a bit confused, "What about you, Lyra?"
"Sure," she said, getting up from her seat. "I could use some fresh air."
"Alrighty then! Onward we go!" I promptly pointed forwards and marched out the doors into the hallway. However, just as I thought I was free, I heard Pinkie's voice pipe up again behind me.
"Hey, you didn't ask Princess Celestia about the party!"
Shielding the sun from my eyes, I strutted my best strut out the front door of the castle with a flock of seven ponies in tow. Flock… No, that’s not right. What’s the word for a group of ponies again? A herd? A team? A harem? Hold on, let me look this up.
Okay, apparently the term is “string”. Not something I would’ve guessed. Well, as I strolled through town with my… string of ponies, garnering a variety of bewildered looks from the townsfolk, I stopped myself to a halt.
“Hold on a second. I just realized something,” I said, staring blankly ahead.
“Huh?” Twilight stepped up beside me. “What is it?”
“I am, like, really hungry. I need food. Food that I can eat.”
“Didn’t you eat breakfast?” asked Lyra.
“Nope,” I said, clutching my stomach. “Didn’t have the time to, on account of you literally dragging me from my room.”
“Well, I guess we can find someplace around here to eat,” said Twilight, craning her neck to look around. “Didn’t you say you don’t have any money, though?”
“Well,” I said, trying to look unconvincingly cute, “I just sorta figured one of you guys would pay for it. I mean, I’m only saving the world and stuff.”
“But you’re not saving the world,” said Rainbow, flying in front of me. “Just Ponyville! And you’re the one who caused this whole thing in the first place!”
“Yeah, but, like, it’s Ponyville! Your guys’ hometown! Isn’t that worth at least a couple… uh, bits, or whatever currency you guys use?” I asked innocently, crossing my arms.
“Don’t worry about it, guys,” said Lyra. “I brought my saddlebag with me. It’s got some bits in it. Just try not to get anything too expensive, George.”
“Oh, alright, mom,” I said, starting to walk off again, looking for some place to get a little snack for myself.
The walk through town was surprisingly lively. There were many shops and restaurants along the road, and even a bunch of little food carts set up along the sidewalk. The air smelled like some kind of odd mixture between flowers and grass. I really wouldn’t mind living here, honestly.
“Hot damn, so many choices, so little money,” I said, taking in the sights of the city. “Alright, what do you guys recommend? Have you ever eaten at any of these places?”
“Ooh,” said Pinkie, bouncing in front of me. “Donut Joe’s donuts are amazing! And cheap, too!”
“That’s hardly a lunch, Pinkie,” said Rarity. “Restaurant Row is filled with many splendid places to eat, George. Many of these restaurants are truly top-notch establishments. Some of them have even been given a three-hoof rating from Zesty Gourmand herself!”
“Yeah, we get it, you’re caught up on the show,” said Lyra, rifling through her saddlebag.
“Wait, what show?” I asked, with a total and complete lack of knowledge as to what she meant.
“Zesty Gourmand’s show. What did you think I meant?” asked Lyra. “Anyway, there’s no way I can afford any of these places, George. Can’t you get something from one of these food carts?”
“But all these guys serve are vegetables! If I’m gonna be spending someone else’s money, it’s gonna be on something I actually want to eat.”
“Well, then hurry up and find something!”
“Alright, alright, fine.”
We did a little more walking down the streets, and eventually I walked out of Restaurant Row taking the final bites out of of a caramel apple.
“Well, that sure hit the spot,” I said, licking the caramel off my lips and tossing the apple ten feet away into a trash can. “Woo! Three points! Alright, so, what else do we have lined up?”
“I dunno,” said Rainbow, “You’re the one who wanted to explore the city. I’ve already seen this stuff, so it’s kinda boring for me.”
“Well, we could check out the Canterlot Library!” suggested Twilight, putting on a large grin.
I faked a gag. “Come on, Twilight. We’re here to have fun.”
Twilight just looked down and dragged her hoof through the dirt. “Learning is fun…”
“Well, we could go watch a movie,” Applejack suggested. “If I’m rememberin’ right, there’s a theater right down the street.”
I snapped my fingers with pure enthusiasm. “See, now there’s an idea! A round of applause for Applejack, everybody. Let’s do that.”
The eight of us eventually made it down the street and into… “Hoofkins Theater”. I just… yeah. I let Lyra go up to the ticket pony, given that she’s got the money, but I’ll be damned if I’m not gonna have a say in what movie we see.
“I greatly appreciate your choice to pay for our tickets, Lyra,” said Rarity.
“It’s not a problem,” said Lyra, walking up to the counter. “I guess I’m just the one who pays for everything now. Let’s just hope there’s a matinee or something.”
"Hello," said the ticket pony. "What movie will you all be seeing today? Er, actually, I shouldn't be asking that, because we're only showing one movie right now."
"Wait, what? What is it?" asked Lyra.
"Horseman: The Saddled Service. It's a spy movie. I hear it's good!"
"That's really the only thing you have?" asked Twilight, perplexed. "Why just the one movie?"
"Well, all of our other screens are closed due to... popcorn related incidents," she said, looking off to the side.
"Well, if we don't have much of a choice, we might as well go with it," said Rarity, who didn't seem particularly enthralled by the notion of watching a spy movie. I was admittedly a little skeptical myself. What the hell is a "horseman"?
“Alright,” said the ticket pony, “That’s seven ponies, and one… human?” She suddenly seemed very perplexed by my presence, as you’d probably figure by now. I just silently waved at her.
“That’s right,” said Lyra. “That’s not a problem, is it?”
“Well,” said the pony, “It’s just that… I mean, I don’t really know how our pricing works with humans. This chart only has age ranges for ponies on it… Arrgh, I’m sorry, I’m new to this job!” She hid her face under her hooves in shame.
“Can’t you just put me down as a pony?” I asked. “Take away the body, and we’re all just timid souls on the solemnly pathway of life… or however that saying goes.”
“I- What?” said Lyra, snapping her gaze towards me. “What saying? Who says that?”
Ignoring her, I walked up to the desk and leaned on it. “Look, I’m gonna level with you,” I said, my gaze burrowing deeply into the ticket pony’s confused eyes. “I’ve been through a hell of a lot these past few days, and tomorrow I have to help stop an entire town from being destroyed - And it will all be my fault if that doesn’t happen. I just need a good hour or two to relax, you get me? I’m sure it won’t be that big a deal if you let me buy a ticket.”
“Well,” the pony said, looking unsure of herself, “Normally I’d just ask my supervisor what to do, but he’s in the hospital right now due to… popcorn-related injuries. I guess I can just give you whatever pony ticket your age is closest to. You’re, like, a little kid, right?”
I stared at her blankly for a few seconds before trying to correct her, but Lyra quickly interjected. “Do kids get in cheaper?”
“Yeah, it’s half price.”
“Then yeah, he’s a little kid.”
~ Two hours later ~
“Holy crap, that was a good movie,” I said, stretching my arms as we all filed out of the theater.
“Yeah, it was pretty good,” said Lyra. “I was surprised. I didn’t expect the movie to be like... that.”
“It was too violent for my tastes,” said Rarity. “I couldn’t even count how many ponies died throughout that whole film.”
“I thought it was fun!” said Pinkie.
“Yeah, but the action was so cool!” Rainbow interejcted. “They’ve gotta make another one! I bet it would be even better than the first!”
Fluttershy didn't say anything, but she looked a bit... traumatized, or something like that.
“And the best part is, we’re not getting paid to say any of this!” I said. “We are totally, one hundred percent unbiased viewers, and our opinions have not been affected in any way by any outside source. It’s totally our own takes on the movie. One hundred percent.”
“I wasn’t really a fan of how they portrayed Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, though,” said Twilight. “Especially when their heads- Wait, where is everyone?”
We all looked around. She was right, where is everyone? It was only starting to get dark, yet the streets were completely empty. It was like the entire town had just disappeared while we were in the theater.
“Uh, that’s a good question,” I said, looking at the castle. “I get the feeling something’s going on. We should probably head back to the castle.”
We ran back towards the castle, looking around yet still not seeing a single pony anywhere. All the shops closed, all the houses’ lights off… What's going on?
We had almost made it to the castle when a royal guard abruptly swooped down in front of us. “Hey! You all, get inside! Princess Celestia has issued a- Oh, wait, it’s you!”
“Oh, hey, Hoofington,” I said as he flew down to the ground beside us. “Care to, uh, give us some insight on exactly what the hell is happening?”
“We’ve been looking all over for you!” he said, wiping his forehead. “It’s the tank! It’s coming in way ahead of schedule! They’re estimating that it’s gonna reach Ponyville sometime within the next half hour!”
“I- D- You- WHAT?!” I exclaimed as everyone else gasped in horror. “A half hour?! How is that even possible?!”
“Evidently, you installed rockets in that thing. Our eyes in the sky reported that your tank started shooting flames out of the back and going many times its regular speed for several hours. Apparently, it also ‘looked really cool’. I’m gonna have to talk to the guy who said that.”
“Oh no,” said Twilight. “We’ve been in that movie theater this whole time! Where are the Princesses?!”
“They were looking for you, but they ended up going to Ponyville to help build the shield. They entrusted us to find you all instead. Looks like I did my job pretty well, huh?”
“I mean… finding us a little sooner would’ve been nice, but sure,” I said. “The more pressing matter is, how in the hell are we going to get to Ponyville within the next half hour?! I know a couple of these guys can fly, but what about the rest of us?”
“The Princesses thought of that, don’t worry. We’ve prepared some sky chariots that should be able to get you all to Ponyville in roughly fifteen minutes.”
“Alright,” said Twilight, “Rainbow and Fluttershy, I can fly ahead with you two. I need to get to Ponyville as soon as possible so I can help with the shield. We’ll meet the rest of you there,” she said, and the three of them flew off.
“Alright,” I said, overlooking the four ponies with me. “That’s Lyra, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Rarity. Now, I’ve got just one question for you all…”
“...Are you all ready to save the goddamn world?”
Lyra hit her face with her hoof. “George, we’ve told you several times, it’s not the world. It’s just Ponyville.”
“WHATEVER!” I shouted, seemingly startling the four. “Let’s just get down there!"
Hoofington led the four of us to our chariots, both of them being pulled by two pegasi. Applejack sat with Pinkie Pie and Rarity, while I shared a chariot with Lyra. Hoofington gave some kind of signal that apparently meant “go”, and the chariots lifted into the air as we started towards Ponyville.
“Alright, it should be smooth sailing for the next 15 minutes or so,” I said, looking over the edge and getting a bit nauseous. “As long as the tank doesn’t go all supersonic on us again, we should be fine.”
“George, there’s something I want you to know,” said Lyra.
I turned to her. “What is it?”
“If that tank destroys Ponyville, I’m gonna kill you. And then I’ll start living in your house since mine will have been blown up.”
“...Glad to know it, Lyra.”
The rest of the ride was surprisingly uneventful, so I’ll save you the trouble of reading it while also saving myself the trouble of writing about it. Two birds, one stone. After a while of me getting steadily more anxious, we finally landed outside Ponyville, with, strangely, nobody in sight. As I expected, there was a giant trench dug around Ponyville, and Ponyville itself was covered with some sort of magic shield. As I got out of my chariot, Luna seemingly appeared out of nowhere.
“Thank goodness you’re all here,” she said. “The tank has almost arrived.”
I looked off into the distance and, sure enough, I saw the RYAN, slowly making its way over towards us and Ponyville.
“Quickly, everyone, come stand near us,” said Luna. She led us toward an area of grass. As I stepped closer, I noticed the air seemingly ripple around me a bit, and all of a sudden Celestia, Tetesac, and the other ponies were in front of me.
“Oh, you’ve made it just in time,” said Tetesac. “I was wondering what had been keeping you. I should have figured you’d be watching a movie.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t think the damn thing would arrive today!” I exclaimed. “Also, what’s this whole thing we’re in? Where’d you all even come from?”
“This is a shield I’ve placed around us,” said Luna. “It makes us unable to be seen from the outside, and should also protect us against any potential attack from the tank.”
“...Well, alright then. So, are we still going with the idea of ‘Trap tank in trench, bury tank, let tank blow itself up’?” I asked, anxiously looking at the RYAN from afar.
“It’s probably our safest option,” said Twilight. “We have a team of unicorns ready to bury the tank the moment it falls in. I hope it’s enough.”
The RYAN was even closer now. “So, we’re just waiting, then?”
“Pretty much all we can do,” said Rainbow. “It’s boring, I know.”
“I’ll personally take boredom over Ponyville being destroyed,” said Rarity.
“What, like I wouldn’t?!” said Rainbow accusingly. “I care about Ponyville too! Even if I don’t live there!”
“Wait, you don’t live in Ponyville?” I asked, surprised. “Where do you live, then?”
“Cloudsdale, of course.”
“Clouds...dale? Don’t tell me that’s, like, a city in the clouds.”
“That’s exactly what it is.”
“But how would you, like, walk on clouds? Aren’t they, like, water vapor and stuff?”
“Well, only Pegasi can walk on clouds.”
“...Why?”
“I dunno. That’s just how it is.”
“Yeah, well, ‘how it is’ is weird and makes no sense.”
This continued between me and rainbow for a while until I suddenly realized that the RYAN was now passing where we were. It was close enough that I could easily read the badly-painted-on name on the side.
“Everyone quiet,” Twilight whispered. “We don’t want it to hear us.”
“What does RYAN even mean anyway?” Rainbow whispered to me.
“I don’t know. Maybe like, Really… Yummy… And… Non-toxic?” I shrugged. Rainbow just stared at me for a few seconds before looking back to the tank.
“Shit, it’s about to fall in,” I said. “Let’s hope this works."
Sure enough, the RYAN drove itself directly into the pit and fell in, with a huge thud. Almost instantly, a bunch of Unicorns appeared out of nowhere and levitated a ton of dirt into the trench where the tank was, completely burying it. A good few seconds passed with nothing but complete silence as the dust settled.
“...Did it work?” Lyra asked, craning her neck trying to see better. “I don’t hear anything.”
“I dunno,” I said, also trying to get a better look at the trench from here. “Alright, listen. Nobody jump to conclusions just yet. Nobody say out loud that it worked. Nobody say anything with even a hint of confidence. We don’t want to jinx this.”
Everyone just stood there in silence for a good minute or two, just staring anxiously at the spot where the tank was buried.
“...Y’all think it might be fine now?” said Applejack.
“Not yet,” I said, sitting down on the grass. “Let’s wait a few more minutes.”
After about five minutes have passed, I finally got up. “Huh. Maybe it did work.”
“Yeah, I think your plan worked, George,” said Lyra. “Good job!”
“Yeah! My plan worked! I am the best at tank-stopping- Oh, wait. Shit.”
As if on cue, there was an ear-ringingly loud explosion as the dirt where the tank was erupted into the air and the ground shook below our feet.
“...Uh, maybe it just blew itself up?” I said.
At that exact moment, the tank rolled up out of the trench, completely unscathed, and continued towards Ponyville.
I was the first one to say something. “Oh. Oh shit. Uh, alright, guys, we got any other ideas?! Plan B, maybe?!”
“I believe we’ll have to resort to plan B, yes,” said Celestia.
“What is plan B, again?”
“Magic, of course,” said Luna. The two princesses lowered their horns and started shooting multicolored beams of magicy stuff at the tank, but to our disappointment, each one bounced off fruitlessly. Celestia tried levitating it away from Ponyville, but her magic aura just couldn’t seem to grip the tank. It was like the tank had some kind of raincoat on, except for magic. Amazing analogy, I know.
“Well, alright, apparently I’m an amazing engineer ‘cause that thing looks magic-proof!” I said, at this point hopping between feet anxiously. "How is that even possible, anyway? Aren't you two, like, super powerful?"
"Keeping these shields up has been a large drain on us," said Luna, who I just now noticed had noticeable beads of sweat forming on her face. "But even then, whatever is protecting that tank must be an immensely powerful defense."
The tank was now at the shield, and was repeatedly firing into it. The shield didn’t seem to be getting damaged, though I could see Twilight noticeably wince every time it took a shot. Celestia and Luna kept firing different colors of beams at the Tank, but none of them seemed to have any effect at all.
“What else can we do?!” said Lyra. “We’ve tried using magic on the ground around the tank, and we’ve tried using magic on the tank itself! What other options are there?!”
“Uhm, maybe something that doesn’t involve magic?” I suggested.
“What possible non-magic solution could there be?!” asked Lyra. Twilight looked like she was starting to tire out, and even the Princesses looked like they were starting to get affected from the tank’s assault on the shield.
I thought to myself for a moment. What is there that we haven’t tried? I looked at the RYAN from where we were. It was a bit far away, but I could still make out most of the details. I stared at it for a good 30 seconds or so, gradually tuning out all of my surroundings, trying to find, perhaps, one single thing of interest, just one single possible flaw or opening in its design…
...And then it caught my eye. The top of the tank… there’s a hatch. Is it possible to get inside the tank?!
“Holy FUCK!” I screamed, startling everyone present. “I have a goddamn idea!”
“...Well, then, by all means, share it, George,” said Tetesac.
“That thing’s a tank, right? Tanks usually have a way for people to get inside! And there’s a hatch on top of there! I may not have been able to touch the outside of it, but maybe I can teleport inside and shut it down!”
“That sounds risky,” said Twilight. “Are you sure you want to try that? What if the tank sees you before you can get close enough?”
“I can assist with that,” said Luna. “I can keep you hidden with a smaller version of this shield. However, given that we already have this one up, our range is currently rather limited. I believe we can get you up to within about ten feet of the tank.”
“Ten feet… I can probably manage that, yeah,” I said nervously. “I just gotta be able to sneak up a few feet closer and I’ll be fine. You know, provided my teleportation actually puts me inside the thing.”
“Well, I suppose we have no other options, unless anyone has any other suggestions,” said Celestia.
Everyone kept quiet and looked at each other. “Very well,” said Luna. “George, please stand at the edge of the shield.
I did as she said, and I saw the air start to ripple slightly around me. “Now, George,” Luna said, trying to concentrate and talk at the same time, “We will not be able to see you while you are in this shield. We will move it forward at a steady pace, so try to keep up with it.”
“Right, understood,” I said. Then, with absolutely zero warning (Thanks, Luna.) the shield started moving and left me behind for a second. I quickly ran back inside it and started walking towards the tank, staying within the boundaries of the bubble.
Alright, all I’ve got to do is get one teleport right. One single teleport, and I can potentially save this town. I’ve just got to concentrate. I need to teleport where I need to be. Into the tank. Teleport into the tank. That’s all I have to do. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Just… into the tank. Into the tank.
I was now getting somewhat close to the tank, and I could see the shield flickering a little. I stopped, wondering if the tank could see me. It fired another shot into Ponyville’s shield, this one hurting my ears from the sheer proximity. I took a few more steps and the shield completely disappeared.
Alright, this is it. I’m out in the open. If I screw this up, I’m dead. I can’t let the tank know I’m here. I took a few more steps towards the tank, and… stepped on a twig that gave off probably the loudest snap a twig could possibly give. I froze in place, petrified. There’s no way the tank didn’t hear that.
…
Okay, I’ve been waiting about 15 seconds and all it’s done is shoot another shell into Ponyville’s shield. Maybe it didn’t hear it. Hell, I’m not complaining. I got up close until I was a mere few feet away from the RYAN, and I closed my eyes. Just go a few feet in front of me… a few feet in front of me. Into the tank. Concentrating on the tank as hard as I possibly could, I waved my arm to the right, and… teleported back five feet.
“GOD DAMN IT!” I shouted. I- wait, why did I do that?
Unfortunately, I wasn’t as lucky this time, as this time the tank’s barrel quickly spun towards me. I stared down the barrel for a good few seconds, completely frozen with fear.
“Uh… hey, RYAN, it’s me. Geor- I mean, Humphrey Walt. You know, your creator! You wouldn’t shoot me, would you?” Instead of standing there any longer like an idiot, I waved my arm a second time and, thankfully, appeared behind the tank, me now standing directly between it and Ponyville. The tank looked around confused for a moment, then quickly turned back towards Ponyville, inadvertently spotting me again.
“Oh, shit.” I waved my arm a third time, this time appearing behind Ponyville’s shield. I gathered my bearings for a second and suddenly realized I was currently safe where I was. I, of course, took the opportunity to give the tank the middle finger, and then I waved my arm again, appearing to the left of the tank. I began repeatedly waving my arm over and over again, teleporting around the tank rapidly, still trying to get inside.
“Come- on- get- in- the- damn- tank- for- fuck’s- sake-” I kept waving my arm faster and faster, now trying to get into the stupid tank just by pure chance. But the environments I’m seeing are just grass, grass, grass, grass, grass, grass, metal, gr- WAIT, stop RIGHT THERE!
I quickly grabbed my arm and looked at what was in front of me. I was in the cockpit of the RYAN, staring at what seemed to be the control panel.
“Holy shit! YES! I made it! Holy god!” And as if that wasn’t great enough, there was a very clearly-labeled shutdown button on the control panel. There was even a self-destruct button on the floor below it, clearly labeled “DO NOT PRESS IF YOU ARE INSIDE THE TANK”. I'd best not hit that one. I quickly began to reach for the shutdown button, but I stopped as I heard a voice behind me.
“Y’all made a big mistake comin’ in here, Walty.”
That voice… Why do I recognize that voice? I spun myself around and was met with the sight of a man with a familiar long beard, one eye facing the wrong way, and really awful-looking beige pants. He looked like he'd gone senile at the age of thirty.
That’s right, standing right in front of me was none other than... Old Man Musket?
“I d- HUH?! I don’t- I- You?! What are you doing in the RYAN?!”
“We-hell, whaddaya think, boy? I’m blowin' up Ponyville is what I’s doin! Just like y’all told me to!”
“What?! I told you to blow up Ponyville?! I thought this stupid thing was self-piloted!”
“Nah, y’all ain’t that rootin’-tootin’ of an engineer, Walty! Heck, y'all ta steal one of those fancy-ass amulet thingies just so this thing could reflect magic!”
“...Okay, I don’t entirely understand what you just said, but either way, can you, like, not destroy Ponyville?”
“Sorry, pally boy, my mind’s been made up!” Just then, he reached behind his back and pulled out what appeared to be some kind of long tube, eyeing it for a second before pointing it towards me.
“The hell is that?” I asked, bewildered.
“Y’all like it? Ya should! It’s one of them fancy new fangled inventions of yers! The Musket! Y’all done named it after me!”
“...Really? Were we, like, friends or something?”
“Nope. I’m yer dad.”
”WHAT?!"
“Hee-hee, just kiddin’. Methinks we all had enough of them plot twisties for one day. Now then, y’all mosey on away from that there control panel.”
“What? You think I’m gonna let you destroy Ponyville just because you have a scary-looking tube with you?”
“I dunno, how ‘bout a scary-lookin’ tube that can shoot a metal ball at ya at eight hundred feet per second?”
“...Okay, that’s a little scarier, but why not get an all-access exclusive taste of THIS!” I quickly brought my finger up and attempted to shoot some flames in Musket's direction, but to my immediate dismay, only a tiny spark shot out.
"Oh, come on now!" I shouted, slapping my finger, trying to get it to do at least a little more than that. Seriously, this is not the best time for-
I stopped. Why… why do my ears hurt? I looked at Musket. I could see smoke emanating from his tube thing, and I slowly realized that I can’t hear anything. In fact, my ears are ringing like hell.
“What the hell did you just do?!” I yelled. Musket said something, but I couldn’t hear it for the life of me. Just then, Musket pointed to my abdomen. What’s he on about now? I looked down at myself, and, to my shock, noticed a hole in my shirt that was slowly becoming more red by the second.
“...Oh, crap.” The pain began to rush in. I grabbed the area where I’d been shot and I collapsed onto the floor.
My hearing coming back ever so slowly, I saw Musket step over me and over to the control panel, continuing to fire shots into Ponyville’s shield.
First off, I want you to know: Don’t ever get shot. It hurts. Like, on an excruciating level. Second off, I’m in danger of bleeding to death in this tank while this guy destroys Ponyville. I don’t know how long that shield’s gonna last, but it won’t last forever.
“You complete and utter jackass...” I coughed out some blood. “Like, seriously, dude. What is your problem...?”
“Them ponies, obviously. What else’d be my problem, Walty? They was your problem, too, ‘til that King guy wiped yer memories n’all.”
“But… why, though? What reason do you have to destroy Ponyville?!”
“I dunno. Y’all said it’d be fun, and I hate them damn ponies anyhoo.” He fired another shot into the shield. The damn thing looked like it was visibly cracking at this point. I didn’t even know magic could crack.
I tried to stand up, but the pain was just too much. I couldn’t get a single foot on the floor.
“Aw, come on, Walty! Don’t y’all wanna watch them fireworks with me before ya die?” He fired another shot at the shield. The shield wasn’t able to stop it. The explosion blew a small hole through it, an opening just large enough for the RYAN to shoot through.
“Hee-HEE! Yessirree, this’ll do nicely!”
I needed to do something. Anything that could stop this. I don’t care what at this point. I can’t die laying at the bottom of a tank, being gloated at by some senile old man. That's an unflattering way to go if I've ever heard of one.
I heard an explosion. “RIP-A-DEE-DOO! There goes somebody’s house!”
An explosion… wait.
The self destruct button.
I craned my neck as hard as possible, eyeing the self destruct button under the desk. I slowly started to drag myself towards Musket, trying to be as quiet as possible while he was focused on blowing up Town Hall.
“Y’all seein’ this, Walty? This is what y’all wanted!”
I grabbed Musket’s ankle and pulled his foot out from underneath him, causing him to fall on his back in an admittedly rather funny-looking fashion.
“Agh! What in tarnation-?!”
I lurched as far under the desk as possible and... stopped.
Is this really all worth it? Just to save a town? Like, it's just a bunch of buildings. Is it really that important? I mean, I know a lot of ponies live here and stuff, but-
Oh, wait. My line of thinking is being interrupted by Musket trying to pull me out from under the desk.
"Get outta there, ya damn idjit! Yer gonna kill us both!"
An excruciatingly bright whiteness filled my vision, accompanied by an equally white noise ringing throughout my ears. I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't use any of my senses, for that matter. All I felt was... a strange calmness. Was this really it? Was I dead?
I patiently waited for the ringing to stop, and to my relief, it did, only giving way for me to hear... nothing. This really must be it. I must be dead. I mean, I got shot and then presumably blown up. Not many ways I could get out of that alive. I tried saying something, but it seemed as if I had no mouth - That is, until it started hurting. Excruciatingly. In fact, my entire body felt like it was burning.
"AaaaaaaaaAAAAGH!" I screamed, clutching my stomach. I- Wait, clutching my stomach? I looked down, and sure enough, I could see myself, floating in a white void... naked.
"WAH!" I shouted, quickly covering up my crotch area and looking around. Oh, wait. I'm alone. I can be naked and no one can stop me. I quickly gained my composure and decided to look all around myself, trying to get some idea of where I was. But no matter where I looked, there was just... white. As far as I could possibly see. Is this really it?
"HEY!" I shouted into the abyss. My voice echoed back several times louder. "Anyone out there?! Don't tell me this is the afterlife! This is very bland and uninspired!"
"Oh, well, we can't have that," a voice replied, seemingly coming from all angles.
I whipped my head around, trying to discern the source of the noise. "Whazzat?! What's goin' on?!"
"Oh, don't you worry, my little hairless ape. You're just dead." This time the voice was coming from directly in front of me, and as I squinted as hard as I could, somehow being able to see fine without my glasses, something slowly materialized into my presence.
It was by far the strangest-looking creature I'd ever seen. It looked like some kind of weird amalgamation of animals, with the body of a snake, the head of a goat, the... arm of a lion... Do lions have arms...? I don't understand what I'm looking at here at all.
"I'm honestly surprised I didn't see you here sooner," the... thing said. "Then again, you have a bit of a penchant for cheating death, don't you, George?"
I just stared at him for a second. "I- I'm sorry, did you say dead? Are you saying this is the afterlife? Are... Are you God?"
To my surprise, the snake-goat thing just replied by letting out a loud, uproaring laugh that seemed to reverberate against non-existent walls. "Sure! Yes, that's me! I'm God!" He said, wiping a tear from his eye with his left... chicken claw. "Pleased to finally meet you, George! Welcome to... Heaven."
"This is heaven? It seems rather..." I looked around the whole place yet again. "...barren."
"Oh, yes. Sorry about that, we've had some budget cuts lately," he replied, flipping himself over to look at me upside down. "By the way, you're looking a bit barren yourself. Would you like some clothes?"
I quickly remembered my nudeness and covered up my crotchular region. "Right, yes! Clothes, please!"
He simply smirked and snapped his fingers, and with that a full set of my typical clothes appeared on my body. "Phew. Thanks, God," I said, straightening my tie. "So... is it just us here?"
"For now," he said. "But you're due for a departure. See, despite your best efforts, you're not actually supposed to be dead yet."
"Wait, seriously? I mean, that's great, you've got zero complaints from me, but... why?"
"Oh, don't worry, I'm sure you'll find out in a few weeks or so," 'God' told me. He brought his hand up to make one final finger-snapping motion. "Oh, by the way, I was told to give you a message. Only, I've kind of forgotten what most of it was. I believe part of it was 'you'll be fine', and there was also a 'thank you' in there."
Before I could respond, he snapped his fingers, and he disappeared. My surroundings went pitch black, and I found myself falling, falling, and also falling.
"Holy crap, I am so tired of falliiiiiiNNNNNNGGGGGGG-!" I shouted, before I finally stopped to a halt. And then... there's that ear-ringing again. I swear I'm gonna have tinnitus after this is all over.
And yet, through the ringing... I can hear voices. Familiar voices. But why can't I see? Everything's black...
Oh, wait. My eyes are closed.
I dragged my eyes open, being greeted with the sight of the sky, and more importantly, a bunch of familiar ponies looking down at me with relief. Oh, and King Tetesac, too.
"Oh, thank Celestia," said Lyra, letting out a sigh.
"George? George, can you hear me?" Tetesac said, waving his hand in front of my face. "How many fingers am I holding up?"
I barely managed to squeak out a "thirteen" from my mouth.
"Well," said Tetesac, "Good news is, you're alive. Bad news, you need a new pair of glasses."
I slowly pushed myself up into a sitting position. Wow, surprisingly enough, I feel fine. I mean, I'm covered in... black stuff, and from what I can feel of my hair, half of it is missing, and my glasses are god-knows where. Even stranger, looking down at my clothes, they're all in pristine condition. Seriously, it's like these were only just now brought into existence.
I looked around at everyone. "Holy shit, how am I alive right now?!"
"That's a good question, actually," said Twilight. "You don't seem to have a single scratch on you."
"Perhaps your immortality has returned?" said Tetesac.
"Well, only one way to find out!" I said. I quickly levitated one of the shards of metal from the tank and drove it through my abdomen. To my complete shock, it didn't even hurt. I took it out, and the gaping bloody hole in my body re-filled instantly. Even my suit knit itself back together.
"Wooooooah. That is sick on a whole new level. Also, something just hit me - I telekinetically moved that shard of metal! Does this mean my powers are fixed?!"
"It appears so," said Luna. "I must say, I'm surprised."
"Yeah, imagine how I feel!" I said, looking at my hands. I quickly snapped my fingers, and a plate of Cobb salad appeared in my lap. "Aw, sweet! I- wait, I don't like Cobb salad." This was met with an oddly synchronized round of laughter from everyone present. I just tried to sort of nervously laugh along with them.
"So," said Rainbow, "You saved Ponyville! You did it! How do you feel about that?"
"Uh, well, pretty good, I guess," I said, tossing the Cobb salad aside. "I'm just relieved this whole ordeal is over. Plus, the powers thing is a nice bonus."
"Yes, that is very fortunate, George! Congratulations," said Tetesac, grinning very widely. "In fact, your bravery has inspired me! I'm going to sign the peace treaty with Equestria! A round of applause for George, everybody!"
At the exact second he finished that sentence, everyone started clapping in perfect sync - which, by the way, when done by a pony, looks kinda weird.
"Congratulations," said Celestia.
"Congratulations," said Luna.
"Congratulations," said Twilight.
"Congratulations," said Rainbow Dash.
"Congratulations," said Applejack.
"Congratulations," said Rarity.
"Congratulations," said Pinkie Pie.
"Congratulations," said Fluttershy.
"Congratulations," said Twilight.
"Congratulations," said Lyra.
"Congratulations," said Sandra.
"Ah-heh, this is a very weird way of congratulating me, all of you guys taking-"
Wait.
Sandra?
I turned to the left, a precise 38 degrees, and sure enough, Sandra Walt, my... "daughter", was standing there among the other ponies.
"I- You... Huh?!" I stared at her, bewildered beyond belief.
"I'm so proud of you, Dad!" she said, clapping along with everyone else present.
I got up and took a good few steps back. "No, wait. Wait. You just hold on a god-damned second here. This... Something is very wrong here."
"Congratulations," said a voice behind me. I spun around and witnessed Old Man Musket rise out of what was left of the tank, engulfed in flames yet clapping along with everyone else.
"Just what the hell is this?!" I shouted as the skin melted off his face. "You guys are freaking me out on a multitude of levels!" I spun around only to find that, not only was Musket melting, everyone else was as well. Even my surroundings were suffering the same fate.
I covered my mouth, unable to muster up anything to say at this point. I just... what the hell, man. I watched as almost everyone I'd met over my adventure dissolved into puddles, still clapping and cheering me on the entire time.
"Congratulations, George, you did it. You're a hero."
"STOP!" I yelled, covering my ears and shutting my eyes. "For God's sake, this is stupid! And edgy! And melodramatic!"
I opened my eyes for a brief moment, only to close them again reflexively.
"GOD, GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"
~~~
Yet again, my vision was filled with white. Am I seriously back in heaven again? I swear, if that last ordeal was some sick joke by Mister "God" I'm gonna be... very angry at him.
Wait, why do my eyes hurt so much? It's like I'm looking directly into some kind of... bright... light source...
Wait a second, that's a goddamn light bulb.
I quickly shut my eyes and gave them a good rubbing with my hands. Jesus, how long was I looking at that thing? I made sure to direct my vision somewhere else before opening my eyes, revealing my surroundings to me as being... a hospital room. And more importantly, a hospital bed. That I'm laying in. Wearing nothing but a hospital gown. I looked over to the other side of the room, where there was a closed door, plus a window with the blinds blocking any way I could see out into the hall. Next to my bed was a small table, with a radio situated on top of it, which was quietly letting out some upbeat music.
I then elected to assess my own self. I looked over my body, and found that my leg was in a cast. That's real nice. The area around my stomach where I'd been shot was wrapped in bandages too. Remembering the dream, I ran my hand through my hair - Yeah, some of it's... partially missing. I guess that's what happens when a tank explodes with you in it.
Jesus christ, a tank exploded with me in it. And I... I survived. Holy crap, that's fucking awesome. That's even better than surviving falling off Canterlot, and I didn't even have immortality to help me this time!
...Or did I?
I eyed a pen next to the radio. Without putting much thought into it, I quickly grabbed it, set my left hand on the bed, and drove the pen right into it.
"GAAAAAAAAH!"
Yeah, every bit as painful as before. I yanked the pen out of my hand and observed the hole that was now leaking a generous amount of blood. Yeah, that's not healing at all.
"Shit!" I shouted, clutching my hand with as much force as I could. God, I feel like such an idiot sometimes.
Just then, the door to my room swung open, and in walked a pony- Er, wait, no, this one's a guy. So, uh... a stallion, I guess? Then again, he's got a horn, so I guess "Unicorn" works fine. Either way, he was dressed in what looked to me like doctor clothes, and he rushed over to my bed.
"Good heavens," he shouted, "You're awake! What happened?!"
"I, uh..." I started to try to come up with an excuse, but I ended up just showing him my hand. "It was the pen."
"Sweet Celestia! How on earth did the pen do that?!"
"...I dropped it."
"You dropped it?!"
"Yeah. Really hard."
"Well, I'll have to disinfect the wound, and bandage it up," he said, opening some drawers and taking out some bottles and bandages. "Now, then, while I do that, I imagine you probably have a good few questions for me."
"That's... Actually, yeah. I do. I'm guessing you're my doctor, right?"
"That's right. I was in charge of ensuring you survived your injuries, plus watching over you while you were unconscious," he said. "My name's Dr. Saddler, by the way."
"Oh, I see. My name's George Trestale. I don't think I have a doctorate, though."
"Ah, yes, don't worry, I know your name. Your friends told me every little detail they could about your adventure over the past week and a half or so. I have to say, thank you for saving Ponyville, and also, curse you for trying to destroy it."
I put on an innocent grin. "Well, if you think about it, I think the two kinda cancel each other out. But, uh, more importantly, where am I right now?"
"Yes, I figured that would be the first real question. This is Ponyville hospital. Your condition was far too critical to take you anywhere farther, so this is where you were taken. Let's see, it's been about... three weeks, now?"
I recoiled, both out of shock, and also from him pouring disinfectant onto my hand. "Three weeks?! I've been out that long?!"
"That's right. Your injuries were rather severe, it's a miracle you're even alive. You had burns all over your body, shrapnel where the burns weren't, and one of your legs was flat out severed. Thankfully, nothing hit your vitals, even that strange metal ball in your abdominal region."
"Well, that's g- Wait, severed?!" I shouted, looking down at my cast-ridden right leg. "I thought it was just broken!"
"Oh, no. Thankfully, we were able to re-attach it, however. In fact, it should be good as new soon enough." He began wrapping the bandage around my hand using his oh-so-neat unicorn magic. "I must say, I've never operated on a human before. I was surprised to see how similar the procedure was to operating on the average pony."
"I'm guessing the reattachment process involved magic," I said, watching the roll of bandages levitate around my hand.
"That's right," he said, cutting off the roll with a pair of scissors. "Most of your healing procedures did, mainly for the sake of keeping you alive, and then accelerating your recovery."
"But you couldn't make my hair grow back?" I felt the few large spots where my hair was much, much shorter.
"Sorry, that's a different doctor," he said, chuckling to himself. "Same deal for your glasses and your clothes. Your clothes were almost completely burned up, and from what Celestia told me, they couldn't even find your glasses."
"That's a real shame," I said, now really taking in how blurry things were. "I liked those glasses."
"Oh, by the way, those friends of yours I mentioned wanted me to let them know when you woke up. If you don't mind, I'll go do that."
Ah, right. Lyra and Tetesac. And... maybe the other ponies, I guess? I'm surprised those other guys really care that much about my well being.
I appreciate it, though. "Yeah, sure, go ahead."
After the doctor left, I remained in my bed, idly waiting and tapping my fingers along to the radio. I figured they'd be a while, so I figured I'd just-
Oh, wait. My door's already opening. I jerked my head around to see, wouldn't you know it, Lyra Heartstrings walking in.
"George!" She ran up to the side of my bed. "You're awake!"
I grinned at her. "Am I, really? What tipped you off? Was it the fact that my eyes are open, or that I'm talking to you right now?"
Lyra lowered her eyelids a bit. "Still dedicated to the 'sarcastic jerkass' persona, huh?"
"You know it- Ohhhh. Hey, Lyra. You just said a swear word. That's new from you."
"W-Huh?! Oh, shoot, I did! Oh, man, I hope I don't get in trouble for that..."
"What is it with you ponies and swearing, anyway? I haven't heard a single one from any of you until now."
"I don't know, okay? Look, that's besides the point. What's important is, you're finally awake! Do you have any idea how long you've been out?!"
"Yeah," I said, scooting myself back a bit. "Three weeks, right? What's been happening in that timeframe?"
"Oh, a heck of a lot. King Tetesac wasn't able to wait for you to wake up, since he's the King and all, so he ended up having to go back to Anthropia. Everyone else has been waiting for word of you waking up. Weirdly enough, a lot of Ponyville seems to consider you a hero now."
"A hero? Really?"
"Yeah. I think the whole part about you being the one who built the tank didn't circulate as well as you being the one to destroy it. Pinkie Pie even threw a party for you saving... most of the town. I think she's also planning on a 'waking up' party for you, now that I think about it."
"Most of the town? Ohhh, right. He did blow up that one house. I wonder who that belonged to," I said, scratching my chin.
"Yeah, that was my house."
"...Oh. Oh shit."
"Don't worry, though," Lyra said, lowering her eyelids again. "You and that Musket guy can share the blame for that. I'm staying at a friend's house for now."
"Speaking of Old Man Musket, what happened to him? Is he... you know..."
"Dead? Surprisingly, nope. Though, he is in way worse condition than you are. Celestia's planning on sending him back to Anthropia once he recovers enough, so Tetesac's probably going to have to deal with that whole thing himself."
"Well, I guess that's a relief to know I didn't kill him. I just wanted to, you know, stop him."
"What even happened in there? Why was he in the tank? We couldn't really get any answers out of him even after he'd healed up a bit. He just started yelling gibberish and blaming you for blowing up my house."
"Wow, what a dick. That was totally not my fault. But, uh, as it turns out, that tank wasn't actually self-piloted. I had recruited Musket to destroy Ponyville for me, for some reason. I don't know why him of all people, but whatever. After I successfully teleported in there, that jackass shot me with some kind of invention I'd given him and tried to blow up Ponyville. Thankfully, though, there was a self-destruct button, so I deftly pressed that and blew up the whole tank."
"You blew it up on purpose?! With you still in it?!"
"Well, I was already on the floor bleeding out, so I figured if I was gonna die, I might as well save Ponyville in the process."
"I... George, you're an idiot."
"I try," I said, examining my fingernails. "So, what about that whole thing with the Equestria peace treaty? Any news on that?"
"Actually, yeah. You know how Tetesac's seemed a bit more... quiet, lately?"
"Yeah, I did notice that."
"Well, a couple days after you blew yourself up, he suddenly got out of whatever funk he was in for seemingly no reason. He marched right up to Celestia and practically demanded the peace treaty. She was surprised, of course, but she quickly agreed to it."
"So, the human ban in Equestria is gone?"
"That's right."
"Wow. So... what I'm gathering from all this is, while I was unconscious, everyone went and resolved all the lingering plot threads without me."
"Yeah, pretty much. Well, aside from one thing. From what I hear, some people in Anthropia are pretty angry about the peace treaty. Violent protests and stuff. Not pretty. Tetesac seems to be effectively dealing with it, though."
"So, what, he's just a good king now all of a sudden? What happened to the whole 'I'm too scared to do the peace treaty' ordeal?"
"I dunno. Maybe your... 'bravery' inspired him somehow?"
I looked out the window for a second, flashing back to my dream. "...God, I hope not."
"Well, either way, the doctor says you should be out of here in a couple more days," said Lyra. "He says you'll probably have to walk with a cane for a couple weeks, and probably visit a hairstylist, and a tailor, and an optometrist."
"Oh, great. That sounds expensive. In fact, how much am I paying for this hospital visit right now?"
"Nothing, of course. Equestria's got great healthcare, George."
"...Right. No complaints from me, there."
"After word of you saving Ponyville spread around, I, along with a certain few other ponies we know, went and set up a donation campaign to help you get back on your feet. As of right now, you have enough money to the point where you could comfortably live in Ponyville yourself for the next six months."
"R-Really?! That's... real generous of them... And you, of course."
"I think the words you're looking for are 'Thank you', George."
"Right, yeah. T-Thanks. Sorry, I'm not too great at saying that."
"Oh, right, one more thing," Lyra added. "Once you've recovered, Celestia wants to talk to you personally a few things. She's been a bit busy lately with the aftermath of the tank situation, so she wants you to come up to Canterlot yourself."
"What, like, buying a train ticket? Ohhhh, right. I can do that now."
"Yeah. I'm sure it'll be a lot easier than... whatever you did to get there the first time."
"You mean other than the teleportation plus amnesia thing, right?"
"Oh, yeah, right."
"Ah, and, by the way, Lyra, I'm apparently religious now. Go figure, huh?"
After a couple days, sure enough, Dr. Saddler gave me the go-ahead to leave the hospital. I still ached a bit, and had a few noticeable scars left over, plus I indeed had to walk with a cane, but really, it's fine. Plus, the cane's really neat looking. It's all gold-tipped and stuff. And it was also free! God, I love these ponies. My only complaint is the clothes. The hospital only had pony clothes, which I was sort of able to wear, but looked really goddamn weird on me.
Lyra and I stepped out of the hospital doors into the bright shining sun of Ponyville. Trying to walk as fast as possible with my cane, I made sure to look around as much as possible and take in all the sights of the land.
"Wait up a second, Lyra, disabled man walking here." I tried to do some sort of skipping-running motion towards her that I couldn't possibly describe to you, but the pain in my leg slowed me a bit.
"While we're here, I think we should take a look around town, don't you?" I said, noticing that she'd slowed her pace so I could better keep up. "Last time I was here I was too busy getting chased by an angry mob to do any real sightseeing."
"You got chased by an angry mob here too? Jeez, you're like some kind of angry mob magnet, huh?"
"Well, not anymore, I hope."
As we walked out into the general area of Ponyville, as I expected, I got a decent few odd looks from ponies, but hey, at least none of them had a pitchfork. Well, aside from that farmer guy. Looking around, I spotted that castle that was sitting in the middle of the town. I still really don't like the aesthetics of that thing.
"I swear, that castle just really clashes with the rest of the town's look," I said, eyeing it from afar. "What is that even made of? Crystal? That's just flat-out tacky. Who even lives there?"
"Uh," said Lyra, "Twilight does. That's the Castle of Friendship."
"Castle of Friendship? What the hell kind of name is that? And Twilight lives there? I... Actually, I'm not really that surprised at that. We should go pay her a visit, though."
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. I'm sure she'll be glad to know you're up and walking around."
After a walk that took way longer than it should have, we arrived at the doors of this "Castle of Friendship". Man, this thing is way bigger than I expected it to be. I stepped up to the door and gave it a good few knocks.
Surprisingly quickly, the door opened, and standing in the door was none other than... Twilight's dragon friend. What was his name again?
I quickly chose myself to be the first to speak. "Oh, hey, dragon guy whose name I totally remember! We're here to see Twilight."
"Oh, you remember my name, huh? What is it?"
"Uh. Right. It was, uh... Spark? No, that's not it, uh... Spock?"
Lyra whispered into my ear. "Spike, dummy."
"Right! Spike! See, I told you I remembered."
"Yeah, right," said Spike, looking unimpressed. "Twilight's upstairs, I can go get her for you if you want-"
"No time for that now!" I shouted, barging in and attempting to run up the stairs. Lyra took a good few seconds to stand there in shock before she finally let out a sigh and followed me up. Sort-of-fast-cane-walking down the hall at the top, I reached a golden door and shoved it open.
"What's up, bitches? George Trestale is back from the dead!"
Six heads quickly turned to me from six thrones all situated around a round table. All of this, by the way, made of more crystal. And wow, the six of them are here already. That's... really convenient.
"George?" said Twilight, getting up from her chair. "You're out of the hospital! That's great!"
"Yeah, I'm here too," said Lyra.
"I would've appreciated if you'd knocked, though," said Twilight. "We're in the middle of something here."
"I did knock," I said. "I mean, not this door, but your front door. It counts."
Twilight just looked at me for a second before Rainbow butted in, flying in front of my face. "Wow, George! You're looking pretty good for someone who got blown up. That was a really awesome stunt you pulled."
"Oh, yeah," I said, rolling my eyes. "It almost killed me trying to perfect it."
Unfortunately, I then received a grim reminder of a certain high-pitched, screechy, pink voice that may as well be foreshadowing the apocalypse.
"GEORGE!" In an instant, I was suddenly assaulted by a wave of pink. I dropped my cane and looked down, seeing that Pinkie Pie was now in the process of giving me a very tight hug. "You're alive!"
"Uhh, yeah. I'm alive. Did you... not know that yet?"
"Well, of course I did, silly! I just wanted to say it again, 'cause this means you can finally come to my party!"
"...Oh, shi- I mean, uh. Hurrah..." I unenthusiastically said, pumping my fist into the air ever so weakly.
"I just want to say," said Twilight, flying over to me. "I'm really sorry about how I treated you back in Canterlot. It's just, you know, the human ban, and we've had some bad situations in the past..."
"Nah, it's fine," I said, prying Pinkie Pie off me. "I've had worse stuff happen to me. A lot of it done by myself, now that I think about it."
"I'm right sorry too, for tyin' ya up like some kinda animal," said Applejack.
"Me too, for, uh, helping her tie you up, I guess," Rainbow added.
Then, Fluttershy's voice piped up for once. "Uhm, I didn't really do anything, but I'm sorry too..."
"I as well," said Rarity.
I brought my hands up. "Really, guys, it's fine. It's not a big deal. I'm sure you all had at least some good intentions," I said with a bit of snark.
"Oh, by the way," said Twilight, "I told the local optometrist about you, and he says he can make a pair of glasses that can fit your head. He wants you to come down there as soon as you can so he can get your head measurements."
"Can't I just use Anthropia's optometrist? I'm sure they've got one, otherwise I'd be very confused as to where my last pair came from."
"Er..." Twilight just stood there for a second and scratched the back of her neck. "That's not really- Well, I don't know if that's..."
"....Yes, any day now, Twilight."
"It's-It's really not that important!" She said, holding up a hoof. "I think you should just go see Princess Celestia for now. She'll explain everything to you."
"Explain what?"
"Everything! Just go see her, George. She's the one who wants to talk to you about this and the other... things."
"Alright, alright, I'm going," I said, backing out the door and grabbing my cane on the way out. "You coming, Lyra?"
"Of course," she said, following me out.
Unfortunately, buying a train ticket was not as easy an experience as I expected. Given that Lyra had no money on her, I had to walk to one side of town just to get to the bank, get some money out, pay back Lyra for the stuff she got me in Canterlot, and then walk to the other side of town to get to the train station, where we had to wait two hours for a train en route to Canterlot to arrive. It's just... euuuugh. A very time-consuming situation. In fact, by the time we made it onto the train, it was nighttime.
Upon arriving, Lyra and I made a beeline straight for the castle, not even bothering to look for any ponies that were staring at me. We made it to the castle in record time (if there's a record for walking to the castle with a cane) and, to my surprise, the guards actually welcomed us in this time.
"Ah, Mr. Trestale," said one of them. "Princess Celestia has been expecting you."
"Yeah, I know- Wait, Hoofington? Is that you? That's a new set of armor, isn't it?"
"Yep, it's me. I got promoted after that whole tank ordeal. Great job blowing up that thing, by the way."
"Yeah, not a problem. I'd sacrifice a leg for Ponyville any day." Man, I am really on my snark game today.
Hoofington led us down the halls directly to Celestia's throne room. "The Princess requested that she speak to you alone, George, so I'm afraid Ms. Heartstrings will have to wait outside."
"Aww," said Lyra, lowering her head and kicking the ground lightly. "I was really curious about what she had to say to you."
"Don't worry," I told her reassuringly. "I'll give you a rundown after it's all over."
I gently opened the gigantic door to the throne room and slipped in, closing it behind me. All the way at the other end of the room sat, of course, Princess Celestia.
"That is a far less excessive entrance than last time," she said, smiling. "To be honest, I almost preferred the last one."
"Really? That's, uh... Thanks, I guess?" I slowly began walking myself up to Celestia with my cane.
"George, there are a good few things I want to speak with you about," she said, "Not all of them you will like, but I must discuss them with you all the same."
"Alright, well, in that case, we might as well get started," I said, finally stopping at the base of the steps to her throne.
"Yes, well, for the first matter, I want to apologize for not only my treatment of you before, but also my general tone of speaking with you. I was a bit on edge from the entire situation with the tank, and as such I was not quite myself at the time."
"Man, it feels like every pony I've seen today has apologized to me for something. Even that train ticket guy apologized to me because he forgot one of the two dots that go into the colon that's part of the time of day that was written on my train ticket. It's weird."
"Well, if there is anything us ponies value, it is peace, and friendship. We generally prefer to keep the best possible relations with others as possible."
"...Right. That one hundred percent makes sense with everything that's happened in the past... god-knows how long at this point."
"That aside, there are more important matters I would like to speak to you about," she said. "Three subjects in particular. I will start with the least severe. Now, from what I understand, you have unusual magic powers, is that correct?"
"If by 'unusual' you mean 'broken', then sure."
"Would you be interested in fixing your broken powers?"
My ears perked up. "Okay, now you've got my attention. Yes, absolutely."
"Well, I cannot guarantee anything, but it is entirely possible that you could, eventually, strengthen your powers to a point where they, well, actually function properly."
"Does that include my immortality?"
"Potentially, yes."
"WHOO-HOO!"
"Please, do not get too excited. This is only a mere possibility. You will have to submit to an extensive training regimen for your powers in order to see if you get any results. I am not familiar with the nature of your inventions, or how humans use magic, so I may be completely wrong."
"Okay, I'll cut off the 'Hoo' from it and be content with a 'Whoo'. Deal?"
"Yes, sure. Deal."
"WHOO!"
"George, remember, I still have other things to say."
"Oh, right. Please, continue."
"I am not quite sure how you will respond to this, so bear with me," she said. She stepped down from her throne and walked towards me. "While I don't know a lot of information about it, I do know of an experimental magic-based program that can potentially restore lost memories. Especially ones removed through magic-related means."
"Restore... lost memories? Like, as in my lost memories?"
"That's correct. As I said, I don't know much about the process, but I do know that some ponies with amnesia who have taken the procedure have left with all of their memories restored. Some only regained a select few memories, while others gained none at all. It seems to be a very hit-or-miss process, but I assumed you would want to at least know about it, so you can consider it for yourself."
Restoring... my memories? That's really possble? Huh.
I honestly don't really know if I even want to do that. I need to put a lot of thought into this- Oh wait, Celestia's still talking.
"Finally, the third subject. I feel like you probably aren't going to enjoy this."
"That's very reassuring."
"Yes, well, first off, I want you to know that I very much appreciate your efforts in successfully stopping your own tank from destroying Ponyville. From what I've heard, there was another man in there, correct?"
"Yeah, that's right. News travels fast, huh?"
"Yes. Well, that's not quite relevant anyway. As I said, I appreciate what you've done very much, and I believe you probably had some kind of influence on King Tetesac finally signing that treaty," she said, now walking behind me.
"Alright, but what's your point? What's the part I won't like?" I asked, now following her.
"Regardless of that, I did recieve reports of you causing some trouble in various areas of Equestria."
"...Oh."
"Among them were multiple counts of breaking and entering, one situation where you set fire to a pony's house, one count of theft, and you are also still at least partially responsible for the destruction of your friend Lyra's home."
"...Ah, right. I kinda forgot about all that."
"Given recent events, I'm willing to let most of that go," she said, stopping and turning to me. "However, I still cannot let you get off completely scot-free."
"Aw, shit. Am I going to jail?"
She raised a hoof in reassurance. "Oh, no, no. All I ask is that you take a few months or so to reside in Ponyville, so that Twilight and her friends can help teach you some lessons in friendship."
"...And, when you say you 'ask' that of me, do you mean that in the sense that I have a choice?"
"I'm afraid not."
"Oh, god damn it."
After a moment, Princess Luna walked into the room. She stopped when she noticed I was there. "Oh, George, you made it," she said, walking up to me. "We were a bit worried about when you would wake up."
"Oh, yeah. But don't worry, I'm perfectly fine. Well, other than my leg and all. And my hair. Also, I need new glasses. And a new suit. But other than that, I'm in tip-top shape."
"That is great, George. I assume you received the message we sent you?
"Message?"
"Yes, in your sleep, we had a message delivered to you. Did you not receive it?"
I thought on this for a moment, and then remembered. "Ohhhhh! You mean the message from God!"
"From... God?" Celestia was clearly as confused as Luna was. The two looked at each other before Luna's horn began to glow, and lo and behold, who appeared but the creature who called himself "God". He was wearing an apron and a chef's hat too, for some reason. He looked around in confusion for a second before jumping at the sight of the Princesses.
"Agh! Princess Luna, you know it's very rude to summon me without so much as a simple warning. Now my macaroni and cheese is going to burn, and it will be all your fault. You could have at least rang my doorbell, you know."
"Never mind that, Discord, I must ask something of you."
God's name is Discord? Huh.
"Ah-ah-ah!" he said, waving his finger at her. "I don't answer unless the doorbell is rung. Look, we can practice it here." He snapped his fingers and a door inside its own door-frame appeared between him and Luna. "Now, can you see where the doorbell is?"
Luna, on the other hand, looked like she'd ran out of patience. She magically yanked the door open, grabbed Discord with one hoof and pointed towards me with the other.
"Did you or did you not deliver the message I asked you to?!"
"Er, of course I did! Well, most of it."
"Most of it?" She turned to me. "How much did he tell you?"
"Uh, I think he mentioned a "thank you", and a "you'll be fine"."
She turned back to Discord. "Five words?!"
Discord put his hands up defensively. "Hey, it's close enough, right?"
"THE MESSAGE WAS TWENTY-TWO SENTENCES LONG!"
"Aw, Luna, how can you expect me to remember all that?" He said. "I gave him the most important parts."
"All of it was the important part!"
"Uh, if I can interject here-" I said,
"Please do," said Discord,
"-What the actual fuck is going on?"
Discord covered his mouth in surprise. "Ooh, he swore in front of you! How scandalous!"
Luna merely let go of him, dropping him to the floor, and walked back towards me. "I must apologize, George. This creature, as you might imagine, is not a God. His name is Discord, and he revels in causing chaos wherever he goes."
"Wait, so he's not God? God damn it! I knew God wasn't real! I've been bamboozled again!"
"...Yes. You see, a few days after your unfortunate incident, I intended to enter your dreams to give you a message regarding the state of affairs at the time. Your condition, the peace treaty with Equestria, such matters as those. Unfortunately, my magic was a bit weakened after defending Ponyville from your tank. I couldn't quite get myself to stay in your dream long enough to take notice of me."
"So, you got some outside help?"
"Yes. We were aware of Discord's abilities to toy with people's minds, so we reluctantly sent him in to deliver the message in my stead," she said. "Evidently, that was a mistake," She shot him an icy death glare.
"Wait, so does that mean he's also responsible for that freaky-ass dream I had afterwards?!"
Both Celestia and Luna's gazes immediately shot to Discord. He simply put his hands up defensively again. "Hey, I'll admit to the message thing, but I have no idea what he's talking about with the dream."
Luna sighed. "Well, at least that is resolved. And put that hand down, Discord. You're not leaving yet."
Discord looked like he was just about ready to teleport away. "Aww."
~~~
After a while, I finally stepped out of the throne room, where Lyra was laying on the ground. She quickly got up as soon as she noticed me.
"Man, you were in there for a long time," she said. "What did you talk about?"
"Oh boy, explanation time."
I gave her the general run-down of the powers thing, the memories thing, and the Ponyville thing. Three very thingy things that, I assure you, I very thoroughly explained to her.
"Well, it's great that you have the possibility of regaining your memories," she said as we stepped out of the castle. "I don't mean to intrude on your... choices and stuff, but is that something you want to do? It seems like you'd be bringing back a lot of pain on yourself."
"I... I really don't know, Lyra. I'm mostly concerned that I'll become a genocidal maniac again."
"I'd hope not. If you still hate ponies after meeting me, there's just something wrong with you."
Lyra and I went up to the train station to book our tickets, and to our surprise, our train arrived immediately after we did so. The doors opened, and a multitude of ponies rushed out into the streets like a bunch of... ants, or something. Lyra and I quickly started towards one of the doors, and bumped into something very... fuzzy and cheese-scented. I looked up, and my vision was met with the face of King Tetesac.
"George!" Tetesac exclaimed, engulfing me in another hug. "I came down here as soon as I heard you had awoken."
I quickly pushed myself away from him out of pure surprise. "Wh- Huh? I thought you were in Anthropia! How did you get here so fast?!"
"Why, I took the train, of course."
"The train?! From Anthropia?! I didn't know the train even went there!"
"Well, that's because the rail line there was closed after Equestria and us sort of... turned our backs on each other. Once the treaty was signed, it was just a matter of re-inspecting the railroad and un-blockading it."
"B-But I thought Anthropia's location was hidden to Equestrians! How could that have been possible if there was an entire railroad going there?!"
"I told you, George, our location wasn't hidden. I have no idea what you're talking about in regards to that."
Lyra leaned in and whispered to me, "If it's any consolation, I thought it was hidden too."
"On a more important topic," said Tetesac, eyeing my attire, "That is some strange fashion sense you've gained, George."
"Look, this was all the hospital had."
"Well, I believe you'll be glad to find that I took the time to take one of your suits here with me," he said, handing me a bag. "I had to enter your house without your permission to get it, but hey, I'm the king! I can do what I want!" He followed this up with a very forced laugh, clearly trying to make it obvious he was joking.
"Thanks," I said, looking into the bag. "There was no way I was going to go around wearing these for several days. I look like a modern art piece."
"But," Lyra interjected, "I thought you had stuff to attend to in Anthropia. You know, as king?"
"Oh, I did, but I can afford to leave for a day or two. Plus, I left Good Old Musket in charge of things."
If I had a drink, I'd be spitting it out right now. "M-Musket?! He's in Anthropia already?!"
"And you put him in charge of something?!" Lyra added in.
"Oh, no, no, no!" said Tetesac, bringing his hands up defensively. "Not Old Man Musket! This is his brother, Good Old Musket. He's a much kinder man. Makes better salads, too."
"Oh. Okay."
"In any case," said Tetesac, "As long as we're here, anyone care to walk around the city? I've been told it's quite pretty at night."
"I guess I could do that, yeah," I said, looking around. "You up for it, Lyra? I'm kinda hungry."
"As long as you're paying, sure."
I walked up to the train ticket pony. "Hey, can I have my money back? I don't need these tickets anymore."
"Sorry, no refunds."
"What the f- Okay, well, can I at least reschedule them?"
"That's a five bit fee."
"Oh, for god's sake-" I reached into my pocket and pulled out some bits. "One, two, three- There, five." I tossed them onto the counter and handed her the tickets.
"Keep in mind, you've gotta be back here within three hours or your tickets will be void," she said in an uncaring voice.
"Yeah, thanks," I said, getting off the train platform. "Alright, where to?"
"You said you're hungry, right?" said Lyra. "I am too. We should go find a place to eat."
The three of us walked back up the streets of Canterlot, this time actually taking the time to look at our surroundings. Tetesac was right, this place is pretty at night. While we were walking, I took the time to explain to him what Celestia had told me.
"That's great, George! Not only do you have the possibility of getting your memories back, but also your immortality? And the only price you have to pay is living in Ponyville for a few months? That's rather nice," he said.
"Yeah, I just haven't really decided if I want to actually do it."
"Ah, I see. I understand."
"Ooh, there!" I pointed at a donut shop across the street titled "Donut Joe's". "Pinkie Pie said that place has great donuts, right? I'm in the mood for something sweet."
"Sounds like an idea to me," said Tetesac.
"Sure, yeah. I've been here plenty of times before," said Lyra. "Their donuts are probably the best in all of Equestria."
The three of us walked into the store, the door inadvertently ringing a bell as we opened it. A pony at the counter, who I can only assume is this "Donut Joe", quickly looked up and got ready to serve us.
The three of us walked up to the counter and looked at the menu. Jeez, so many choices. Some of these donuts are topped with caramel, sprinkles, pieces of cookies...
"I'll take a dozen maple-frosted donuts," I instinctively said.
"A whole dozen?!" exclaimed Lyra, "Is that all for you?!"
"Apparently, I really like maple-frosted donuts," I said, turning to Lyra. "Now what do you guys want?"
"The 'Heart Attack Special' seems like an... interesting concept," said Tetesac. "A scoop of ice cream in the middle of the donut? Topped with caramel, fudge, and chunks of brownie? That almost seems like more of a murder weapon than a dessert. I'll have that."
"Excellent choice," said Joe. "Just try not to eat it all in one sitting. I don't need another lawsuit. What about you, Lyra? Your usual?"
"Not today, no. I think today I'll just have a chocolate frosted long john."
"You got it," he said, slinking back into the kitchen. "I'll get all that ready for you in a jiffy."
"Alright," I said, looking into the bag with my clothes. "While he does that, I'm gonna go change in the bathroom. You guys can go sit down if you want."
By the time I'd changed out of the pony clothes and stepped out of the bathroom, Joe had already delivered our order. I quickly sat down and opened my box of donuts.
"You know," said Lyra, oh-so-rudely talking with her mouth full, "For someone who eats like you do, you are really skinny."
"It's a blessing and a curse", I said as I shoved an entire donut into my mouth.
We sat in silence for a while, the three of us just taking the moment to relax and eat our donuts. It was really the first time we had the chance to sit back and not worry about upcoming events.
Except I was worrying about something. Let's see if you can guess what it is.
If you said "the memories" or something like that, you're right. If you just read this part instead of trying to guess, you're no fun.
I really can't deny, the concept of me getting my memories back is an enticing one. Really, I'd love to remember all my sciencey knowledge and stuff. But... what about everything else?
"Are you alright, George?" asked Tetesac, who was digging brownie pieces out of his ice cream. "You seem to have just... stopped eating all of a sudden."
"I would too, after the three you've eaten," said Lyra.
"Wh-huh?" I jerked my head up and quickly looked between the two. "Oh, it's just... I've been thinking about the memories thing."
"Ah," said Tetesac, wiping his mouth. "Still trying to decide if you want to do it?"
"Yeah, it's just... There's so many curiosities I have about my past. So many things I'd like to know, so many things I'd like to re-learn. I can't really be a royal scientist if I have no science skills, right?"
"Royal scientist?" Lyra said, confused momentarily. "Oh, right. That's what you were before. I kinda completely forgot about that."
"Yeah, me too."
"Well, George, what is it that's stopping you from doing it?" said Tetesac, who had finally finished his donut by now.
"It's just... the way I was, with the things I did. I was a goddamned genocidal maniac, guys. What if that part of me resurfaces? All that hate for ponies, coupled with my broken magical powers, who knows what the hell could happen?"
"...Well, if you want my input, George, I personally think you'd turn out fine," he said. "You're a perfectly fine person."
"Yeah, I agree," said Lyra. "I mean, sure, you're a sarcastic jerkass sometimes, but I bet that's what you were like beforehand too."
"The thing is, people are shaped by their experiences. And people also don't tend to always think rationally, evidenced by my attempt to destroy Ponyville. So, if I remember those experiences, what if they just take dominance again?"
"Also a possibility, but perhaps you would also be influenced by the experiences you've had in saving Ponyville," he said, looking me straight in the eyes. "You do at least try to be a little rational, George. You wouldn't just discount all that."
"Yeah, I know, I'm just... worried."
I thought on that for a second. I know the potential negatives, but what were the biggest positives I know of from my past life?
"Hey, Tetesac, I'm wondering something right now."
"What is it, George?"
"You wouldn't happen to conveniently have that picture of my daughter, would you?"
"I'm afraid not, George."
"Oh. I see."
"But... you might want to check your pockets."
Huh? I quickly patted around all my pockets until I found the one that felt like it had something in it. I quickly dug my hand in there and pulled out that very same picture of Sandra that I had been shown in Anthropia.
I stared at the picture for a good while before speaking up. "You two have no idea how bad I feel right now, you know."
"Why is that?" asked Lyra.
"It's just... this girl. I was her dad. Yet, I don't really feel anything at all towards her. I don't know what she was like. I don't know anything about who she was. Like, how would you feel if your parents just... completely forgot who you were?"
Lyra and Tetesac didn't respond. They simply looked at me and then down to their plates in thought.
"I feel as if I'm doing this girl a disservice by continuing to not remember who she was. She deserves to be remembered, doesn't she? Yet her own dad can't even muster up the emotion to say he loves her. Because I barely even know who she was."
"George," said Tetesac, placing his hairy hand onto mine. "I remember your daughter. She was ten when you adopted her. She was an exceptionally sweet girl, and she loved you very much. Every day at work it seemed as if you had a new story to tell me about her. She was what kept you going in life."
"Do you remember any of them?"
"Hmm..." Tetesac scratched his chin for a moment. "My memory is not what it used to be, but one story does stick out to me."
"From what you told me, when she was twelve, you were at home working on a new invention: A handheld device that could solve mathematical problems instantly."
"...So, a calculator?" said Lyra.
"Yes. From what I remember, George, you were rather disappointed when you found out they had already been invented. Honestly, I don't even know how you didn't know calculators existed. But, getting back on track, there was a point where you were stuck on something while working on your 'invention'. For whatever reason, you just couldn't get the thing to turn on. Later on, Sandra walked in and asked what you were doing. You explained to her what you were making, and why you were stuck. Sandra took one look at the calculator, and connected two wires together. Just like that, it turned on."
"...Wow. That's impressive."
"Yes, I know. The entire town knew, for a matter of fact, because you just wouldn't shut up about it." He laughed. "Every day it seemed like you were looking for a new opportunity to say 'My daughter's the smartest girl in this entire goddamn town!' It really honestly started to get a bit annoying."
"Huh." I just sat there for a good thirty seconds thinking about that before I spoke up.
"I appreciate the story, Tetesac, but it doesn't really tell me a whole lot." I got up from my chair. "I've made up my mind. I'm doing the procedure."
"Huh?!" exclaimed Lyra, getting up from her chair as well. "Are you sure?! That's a really big decision to make, George!"
"Yeah, and it's also my decision to make," I said, heading for the door. "I need to at least try remember this girl. I owe it to her. If that risks me becoming a genocidal maniac again... Fine."
"Well, we're coming with you!" Lyra said, following me.
"Well, I guess I can't stop you, can I?" I said, walking out the door. Tetesac quickly got up and followed as well.
Getting the procedure set up was a lot easier than I had expected. All I ended up having to do was go to Celestia, insist that I was sure about my decision, and I was escorted down to one of the many rooms in the castle.
"Well," I said, anxiously waiting in my waiting chair in the waiting room. "I gotta say, I really don't like waiting."
"Who does, really?" asked Tetesac.
After some time, the door to the waiting room opened and a unicorn stepped out, reading from a clipboard. "George Trestale?" she asked. I quickly got up and walked over.
"I'm Dr. Heartfelt," she said. "I'm your doctor tonight. Nice to meet you."
"Likewise," I said. "So, if you were to give any kind of estimate-"
"Sorry, no estimates," she said, holding up a hoof. "I can't give you any false expectations. You're just going to have to take the procedure and see how it goes."
"Oh, fine. Let's do it then."
"Not yet," she said, levitating a stack of papers over to me. "Here's a two-inch-thick stack of various waivers and disclaimers I need you to sign."
"D'OH!"
~~ One Hour and a Half Later ~~
"Okay, I'm done," I said, caressing my aching wrist as I handed the papers over to her. "I think all of your pens are out of ink now, by the way."
"Yes, that happens every time we have someone do this," she said. "You see that storage room door over there? That's all just stockpiles of pens."
"...Wow."
"Anyway, please step inside this room."
I stepped inside, making sure to silently wave back at Lyra and Tetesac right before the door shut.
"Please sit in the chair, Mr. Trestale."
I sat down in the chair, and immediately a bunch of electrodes rose from under the chair and attached to my face.
"This procedure is mostly done with magic, but to assist me, I'm going to need you to answer a few questions. Potentially personal ones. I'm telling you this now because I know you didn't read most of those forms."
"Ah, heh," I chuckled nervously. "It's fine, just do whatever you gotta do."
"First off, what is the earliest memory you have? I'm talking actual personal experiences here."
I thought back. "Falling out of the sky in Canterlot, directly after losing my memories."
"But you didn't actually know at the time that you'd lost your memories, correct?"
"Yeah, that's right."
"Second question: Do you have knowledge of any names that were important to you when you had your memories?"
"Does my own name count? It was different back then."
"That's perfect. What was it?"
"Humphrey Walt."
This interrogation continued for a good while until the doctor finally set her clipboard down and walked towards me. "Now, I am going to have to magically sedate you. I will say, do not think that you will just sleep through this whole process. Though you will not be conscious, many ponies who have undergone this procedure have experienced very strange, often frightening things while they're out cold. There's no telling what you're going to see."
"That's fine. Let's just get this over with."
With that, I saw a glow around my head, and I was out.
Whiteness again. It's always whiteness, isn't it?
Oh, wait. Now it's blackness. Really not any less cliche, guys. I tried looking around, suddenly realizing that I was actually standing in the middle of a seemingly endless black void.
Wait a minute, I'm hearing voices. What's going on?
No, seriously, I'm hearing something, but I can't quite figure out what it's saying.
"LOOK BEHIND YOU, GEORGE!"
"GAAAAHOLYSHITFUCKINGDICKTITS-" I screamed, jumping in the air and doing a complete 180. What I saw in front of me was quite possibly the most frightening thing I'd ever seen.
It was Tetesac's head, except roughly twenty feet tall and body-less. Also, alive and talking.
"How you doin', George?" Tetesac's head shouted.
"I, uh..." I simply just lifted my finger up to point at Tetesac. "Are you the scary thing that doctor said I'd see?"
"Hell if I know," said Tetesac. "A-CHOO!"
With absolutely zero warning, I was now covered in Tetesac snot.
"Oh god, that's disgusting," I said, trying to wipe it off my clothes. "I'd be really pissed at you right now if I didn't know this wasn't real."
"Isn't everything the same way, though?" asked Tetesac. "Reality to us is only how we experience it. What you're experiencing right now could be a reality of it's own."
"Oh, don't get all pseudo-psychological on me."
"Says the guy arguing with himself."
"Fine, fine. What I do know is, you're obviously not really Tetesac. You don't even act like he does."
"Wow, what else tipped you off? Was it that I don't have a body? Or hat my head's so fuckin' big?"
"Dude, now you're basically just acting like I do. Except you're a dick."
"Of course I'm acting like you. I AM you, dumbass." Tetesac's head quickly morphed into my own. "But, yes, I agree, you're a dick."
"...So, what now?"
"What do you mean?"
"What do I do now? Do I just sit here and wait for the procedure to be over?"
"I dunno, man. I only know what you know. By the way, my chin itches. Could you come scratch it for me?"
"No, I am not going to scratch your-" Wait a minute, mine itches too. I quickly brought my hand up and scratched my itch away.
"Ahhh, thanks, pal," said giant-head me.
"W-Huh?! I didn't- Oh, screw it. I'm just gonna sit in the corner over here."
"There's no corners here, but whatever floats your boat, man."
"Can't you morph into someone I'd enjoy being around?"
"Ooh, how about this?" The head suddenly morphed into Lyra. "You just love being around her, don't you?"
"Yeah, she's probably my best friend," I said. "First pony who didn't try to hurt or capture me in some way."
"And are you sure you're just friends?"
"What do you mean?"
"Don't you think something... more could blossom from your relationship?"
"...Listen here, you overinflated ego. I want you to crumple up whatever idea you have there and throw it into the trash and burn it. We're friends. Nothing more. Besides, you already know that I don't swing that way."
"By which you mean to say, you're not into ponies?"
"...Right. Yes. That's totally what I meant. So shut up and let me wait this out in peace."
~~~
My eyes shot open just in time to see Dr. Heartfelt turn the lights back on. I saw the electrodes pop off my face, and I slowly got up off the chair.
"Man, how long was I out?"
"A half hour. How do you feel?"
"The same. In fact, uh... I can't think of any new memories."
"If any new memories were unlocked, it will take a minute or two for them to actually... you know, trickle in," she said. "What I'm more concerned with is what you were doing while you were out. It was like you were having an argument with yourself. It was... weird."
"Oh. That. Right. Listen, all I have to say about that is this. If you guys ever get into researching cloning technology, do not let me anywhere near that."
"...Okay."
I almost laughed, but then I froze.
Holy shit, my head!
I grabbed my head with both hands and keeled over. "D-Doctor! My BRAIN HURTS!"
"That's a normal symptom! Just let it pass, it'll be over in a moment!"
"But it HURTS, GOD DAMN I-"
I froze. Again.
I stood up.
"Are you alright, Mr. Trestale?!" the doctor asked.
I walked out the door.
Waiting there was Tetesac and Lyra.
"Oh, you're back!" said Lyra. "Wake up, Tetesac!" she smacked his knee.
"Wh-Huh?! Oh, George, you're back!" said Tetesac. "How did it go? Do you remember anything?"
I simply stood there and looked at him for a good few seconds. "...Yes. Yes I do."
"That's great! What do you remember?"
"I remember being stupid enough to try and make friends with a god-damned pony."
All of a sudden, the smile disappeared off Lyra's and Tetesac's faces. "Wh-What are you saying?"
"I'm saying I should've let Ponyville get blown up when I had the chance! God, I'm an idiot. I could've let Musket destroy Ponyville, and everything would've been fine, but nooooo. You had to make me lose my memory, you goddamn idiot," I said, jabbing my finger into Tetesac's chest.
Both Tetesac and Lyra let out sighs of relief. "George, you almost gave me a heart attack," said Tetesac. "Between your stunt just now and that donut, I'm surprised I'm not dead right now."
"But seriously, do you remember anything?" said Lyra.
"...Yeah, I do. I remember... some things. A lot of things, actually."
"Do you remember your daughter?"
"I... think so. I remember adopting her. I remember losing her."
A tear must've rolled down my face, because before I knew it, Tetesac was hugging me again. "I'm so sorry, George," he said.
"Don't be," I said, pushing myself out of his arms. "I'm not sad. I'm just... really glad I made the decision to remember her."
Lyra smiled. "That's sweet."
The three of us walked out of the waiting room to find Princess Celestia waiting for us.
"Oh, I apologize," she said. "I was a bit anxious about the results."
"Well," I said, walking up to her, "What I can tell you is that your doctor's procedure was a resounding success, mostly. Thank you, Princess."
"Oh, well that's a relief. I was afraid-"
"Hold on a second, I don't think I used enough swear words in that sentence. How's this: 'Damn, Celestia, your memory restoring process worked good as fuck!'"
Celestia was visibly taken aback for a moment, but then simply smirked. "Haven't changed a bit, have you?"
"Not in the slightest," I said, and with that I promptly turned around and strutted my best strut out the castle doors.
~~~
"God, that landscape is gorgeous," I said, looking out the window. Lyra, Tetesac, and I were on the train headed back to Ponyville, and Discord as my witness, I was going to enjoy every second of it.
"How long until we reach Ponyville?" I asked.
"About half an hour," said Lyra.
"Great, that's 1800 more seconds of this train ride for me to enjoy!"
"You seem... happier than usual, George," said Tetesac.
"Yeah, I mean, you weren't much of a downer most of the time before, but now it's like you've gone all sunshine and rainbows or something."
"Yeah, I guess I'm just all giddy that everything's been resolved. Absolutely nothing left to worry about that I somehow forgot. Nope. Nothing at all."
"George, I have to ask -" said Tetesac, turning towards me. "- How do you feel?"
"In general, or like, in relation to... before?"
"In relation."
"Honestly? Exactly the same. Like, I don't feel different in the slightest. I just feel like I know more things now. And that's a cathartic feeling for me."
"That's good," said Lyra. "I was afraid I was going to lose the George I enjoyed having as a friend."
"Hah," I laughed. "Nope, don't you worry. You're stuck with me until the day one of us dies."
I paused for a moment and then added - "You were right, Tetesac. I'm not gonna just discount everything that's happened recently. That's ridiculous. In fact, this past month may have been the best of my life - In terms of, like, fun, at least. Also, holy shit I was an idiot back when I made that tank. Like, now that I actually remember doing it, I feel way worse about trying to blow up Ponyville. Like... Holy shit. I am so sorry about that, guys."
"It's alright," said Lyra. "Seems like all our villain problems get solved with forgiveness anyways."
"If I may," said Tetesac, "There was one thing I've been meaning to ask you for a long time."
"What's that?"
"Your daughter... Do you know why she ran off like that?"
"...No. I don't. I mean, maybe it was because of that kid at school...? Sorry, I really have no idea. I've been asking the same question of myself, ever since... then. That is, before the memories thing. Thanks for that, by the way, Tetesac. I needed that."
"You're welcome, I suppose," he said, looking back out the window.
"By the way," I added, "I heard you finally signed that peace treaty with Equestria. What was it that finally motivated you to do that?"
Tetesac continued to look out the window for a moment, then looked back to me. "Truth be told, there was a multitude of factors that led into it. Your complete lack of self-regard with that tank stunt was certainly an inspiration, as was the very idea that Old Man Musket was behind it. Just, seeing the true scope of what happens when someone like me doesn't properly use their power for the good of everyone... I simply gave in."
"Well, I'm glad you did, Tetesac," I said, relaxing in my seat.
As the train pulled into the station, Tetesac simply sat back and stretched. "Sorry, George, Lyra, but I'm going to have to stay on this train. Its next stop is Anthropia, and I really need to get back there as soon as possible. I hear word people have ran out of eggs to throw at the castle and have instead resorted to throwing entire chickens."
"Sounds bad," I said, getting up from my seat. "Well, too bad I can't come with you, but I've got a new life to start here in Ponyville. At least, for a while."
Tetesac nodded. "I hope you learn many valuable things about friendship and magic, George."
"Yeah," I rolled my eyes. "Me too." I gave him a quick, simple salute. "See you later, Titty Sack."
Lyra and I got off the train onto the platform. I took a nice, deep breath of fresh air - and the smell of manure. Refreshing.
"Well," said Lyra, "Welcome to your new life. For a few months at least."
"Hey, maybe I'll stay longer. We'll see how it goes."
~~ Two Weeks Later ~~
"Come on, George, it's not that hard to understand!"
"But it's not wrong! I NEED it!
"That doesn't mean you can steal it! It belongs to someone!"
A good few things had happened over the past couple weeks. I rented a house, I got some sweet new glasses, and I even had Rarity make some new clothes for me. All that cost a hell of a lot of money, but that's not a big problem when the entire town's still donating to you every now and then. Man, what a charitable bunch, huh?
Of course, there was still the issue of having to go through these friendship lessons.
"But what if I were to die if I didn't have it? What if I died of starvation? Meanwhile, what, they have to eat something else? Aww, how sad for them."
"Weren't you still immortal then, though? You couldn't have died of starvation!"
"...That's irrelevant."
"No, it's not!" Twilight slammed the paper on my desk. "You failed this test too! George, some of your morals are way out of whack."
"Hey, this is harder than I expected, okay? I figured we'd be doing, like, real life lessons in the real world! Not sitting cooped up in your castle while you have me write you friendship reports!"
"We can't do real-world testing until you understand basic fundamentals, like how stealing is wrong!"
"What if I replace it later? Is it still stealing then?"
Twilight just let out an agitated groan. "You know what, let's just take a break. Let's go for a walk outside or something, I don't know."
"Man, can't we just move on to my magic training?"
"I told, you, George, we're not doing that until you learn a friendship lesson for the week."
On our walk, we somehow ended up at a park, probably no mistake on Twilight's part. I took note to watch all the various ponies having fun with each other. Seems very harmonious.
"You see all those ponies out there?" said Twilight, "They're having fun together, laughing together. That's what friends do together."
"In my eyes, a friend is someone who I can call a shitnugget and they won't get offended at me for it."
"Who on earth would be fine with being called that?!"
"I dunno. Lyra?"
"You called Lyra a... that?!"
"Well, no, but I don't think she'd care if I did."
Twilight sighed. "George, you need to pay more attention to the way others think. You've got to try and accommodate for it. For example, many ponies would view it to be wrong if you were to steal a loaf of bread from them because you're hungry. Even if you don't view it the same way."
"Doesn't that just make them incorrect, though? Why should I bother accommodating for things like that when so many people believe stupid things?"
"George, I swear, one day I will make you understand this. I don't know how, but I will."
I kept watching the ponies. Some of them were eating together, some were throwing a ball around, some were playing chess.
"Man, who the hell plays chess? That's, like, Boredom: The Game."
Twilight didn't even bother to respond. Oh well.
If anything, it is a nice sight. I always enjoy seeing others be happy. I wonder if that's something the old me would appreciate too.
Oh, wait. Hah. I forgot. I am the old me. And the new me, too. I'm Humphrey Walt, but I'm also George Trestale. Actually, you know what, let's do away with the Humphrey Walt thing. That name just sucks.
Either way, though, I'm really just me. And I'm glad for that.
"Wow, George, that was... almost kinda profound," said Twilight. "Sort of."
Wait, did I say all that out loud?
"Yeah, you did. I'm glad you did, though. Maybe you can take some things seriously."
"Yeah, I guess so," I said, not bothering to look towards her. I looked up at the sky. The sun's burning a little hot today, huh? I can appreciate that, I guess. The music's nice, too.
Wait, where's that music even coming from? I looked all around myself, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out the source.
"Hey, Twilight, do you hear that? What's making that music?"
Instead of responding, though, Twilight started... singing.
"I once thought you to be just a buffoon, a man with no moral guides...
"Uh, Twilight? What are you doing?"
"But now we can start anew, your chance at a new life...
"No, seriously, Twilight. Why are you singing?"
To my surprise, another pony who had been sitting behind us proceeded to join in.
"I can't imagine what you've been through to get here, you've faced challenges big and small,"
"Wh-Huh? Who are you? I have never met you before! Was this rehearsed or something?! Really, am I missing something here?"
"But now I can say, with a heart without fear, there may be hope for you after all."
"Can someone PLEASE explain to me-"
I was promptly cut off by every pony in the immediate vicinity joining in on the song.
"How long does it take to teach someone to make friends? How long does it take to teach someone to make amends?"
At this point the ponies had grouped up behind me and Twilight, and were all now marching through town to the beat of the music like some kinda goddamn spontaneous marching band.
"HELP! Someone, help! I'm being held against my will!"
"It don't matter how young you are, or if you're tall or small..."
"Wh- Lyra? You're in on this too?!"
All of a sudden, the entire plethora of singing horses stopped in place at the exact same time.
"'Cause it looks like there's hope for you aaaaaaafter aaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll!"
