Best at Beards, Bells, and Being a Bastard

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Star Swirl regarded the buffoonery around him with the type of disapproving grimace that could only be mastered by decades of being better and righter than literally everypony that had, did, and would ever exist. He followed this up with a scoff and a jeer, then a cough and a sneer. He met the affront with a grunt and glared at all those that had borne his scorn. Finally, after clearing his phlegm he leveled his gaze at the one from which all the trouble first stemmed. “Right then. Are you the little inexperienced filly who clearly dabbles in magic with the skills of a mentally suppressed unicorn foal hyped up on sweets?”

A series of gasps and sounds of disapproval sounded out from the new ponies around the overgrown filly (with a horn AND wings no less! What a showy show-off!), and a great deal of them—filthy, know-nothing mares that they were—crowded around her like a small herd of mothers defending their over-sensitive child who was crying just because he couldn’t handle a little criticism regarding the stupid way he walked and his ugly, pathetic face. By the gods, was Stygian a loser then, now, and forever.

Wait… What was I doing? Star Swirl looked around and noted there were over half-a-dozen mares either comforting the purple underachiever masquerading as an overachiever who was now sobbing uncontrollably because she was a woman, and therefore, not in complete control of her emotions much like the other mares that opened their bile holes to eject mounds and mounds of high-pitched whining his way, and no! No, no, no, no! It was clear that these mares needed to be reminded who he was. “Cease your witless prattling at once, you halfwit ninnies!”

There was a beat of silence before the awful, terrible mares doubled down on their vitriol and stupidity. Right! Well, clearly a few decades in Tartarus would fix these fools! Star Swirl’s horn glowed a bright white that simultaneously showed his purity of spirit as well as his unquestionable purity of mind.

And then some fat jack-ass of a pony got in his way! Said fat pony was Rockhoof, who oft impeded Star Swirl’s much warranted retribution.

“BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT VILE BLOCKER OF THE SUN AND MY DIVINE JUSTICE!” Star Swirl declared as he swatted at Rockhoof’s considerable frame ineffectually with his forehooves all to the sounds of bells jingling and jangling angrily.

Massive collection of earth pony muscle that he was, Rockhoof took a moment to regard the clearly shook mares with a smile, even as Star Swirl continued to ‘wallop’ the large light blue pony with all the strength the aged wizard could muster. Such blows did little more then cause Rockhoof’s orange-and-blonde striped mane braids and beard to wobble. “I wish to apologize on behalf of my companion here,” Rockhoof calmly rumbled. “He is quick to judge others, and even quicker to anger.”

Having sternly been in the ‘yelling back at the aged wizard’ camp, Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Is there gonna be a ‘but’ that follows that sentence?”

“Neigh, I’m afraid not, Earth Sister.”

Applejack sighed and glanced at Twilight who was still a heap of tears while Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy did their best to comfort her. “Well… buck…” she said simply.

The metal armored, red-plumed, burnt-orange pegasus of the group took a moment to glance at the sun while using one of his wings to shade his pale-green eyes. “What time would you say it was?” Flash Magnus asked his recently summoned companions.

The other pegasus of the group, a mare with a coat the color of a ripe peach and blue-violet eyes, glanced up at the sun. Her translucent silk dress rustled slightly as she made an exaggerated motion with her own wing and brought it up to the golden band above her eyes with its moon emblem that kept her white headdress in place. “Oh, five in the evening, easily,” she said with a knowing smile. “Perhaps nigh on six.”

Sunburst glanced curiously up at the sky. “Uh, Did time work differently a millennium ago? Because, er, it’s not even noon-”

“Aye, Somnambula!” Flash Magnus said quickly as he quickly trotted right up next to Sunburst, knocking his shoulder against the much lankier male and sending him roughly to the ground.

“Oof!” Sunburst uttered as his glasses nearly fell off his face and his legs sprawled out.

“Aye, it must be well past five indeed!” Magnus added hastily.

“Hey!” Starlight protested harshly as she walked up to Sunburst and helped him back up. “I don’t care if you all are legendary pony folk heroes! That was rude!” she said as Sunburst quickly fixed his glasses.

Flash Magnus let out a magnanimous laugh and swatted Sunburst on his back with a wing, causing the glasses on the already flustered Sunburst to slip down his muzzle and fall sideways a bit. “My apologies, friend! I promise I shall make it up to you. Meadowbrook, Mistmane!” Flash Magnus motioned to an empty spot of ground in front of him.

Before Starlight could let loose with another protest, an elderly lilac unicorn with a long, curved horn, and sea green mane and tail that wafted in the wind like mist and a sky-blue earth pony mare wearing a green skirt and headband that held up the red-brown bun that was her mane walked past the agitated unicorn. A brilliant, aquamarine glow from Mistmane’s horn gently wafted to the ground below and scooped out a mound of dirt. Tiny seeds were floated out of the mare’s battered and aging soft-teal tunic and were placed in the ground before the soft earth above them was put back in place.

Starlight and Sunburst watched curiously as a smiling Meadowbrook produced a vial full of some murky, deep purple liquid, and poured it over the spot where Mistmane had buried the seeds.

Flash Magnus gently placed his feathered wing in front of Starlight and Sunburst, “You two may wish to back up a little bit.”

No sooner had Starlight and Sunburst complied, then vines began to snake their way out upward. They started small at first but soon grew into thick, woody plant tendrils that immediately sported large, juicy-looking purple grapes.

Sunburst couldn’t help but gasp at the plant that had just appeared in front of him. Flash Magnus expertly picked a bunch of the grapes off with one of his wings then picked two grapes off that bunch in the other. He quickly popped one into his mouth, chewed, smiled contently, then offered the other to Sunburst. Sunburst took the grape in a sunny yellow glow and pulled it up to his glasses, eyeing it cautiously.

“HaHA!” Flash Magnus exclaimed. “Go on and eat it, my friend! I’m certain you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”

Sunburst gave Flash Magnus a quick glance then popped the grape into his mouth and bit down. He immediately began to cough and sputter then lean on Starlight for support.

“Sunburst?!” Starlight called out in alarm. She shot look of potential violent intent at Flash Magnus “What did you give—”

“It’s alright, Starlight,” Sunburst said, as he raised back to his full height and fixed his glasses. He swallowed. “I was just surprised is all.”

“Oh… okay?” Starlight replied.

Flash Magnus let out yet another hearty laugh. “Sorry, lad! Bit of a kick to these grapes!”

Sunburst pulled off another grape from the bunch and held it in a pulsating, sunny glow as he stared at it. Starlight looked around, noting that Somnambula, Meadowbrook, Mistmane, and Flash Magnus were already popping grape after grape to their mouth and laughing giddily with each other.

“They’re… they’re fermented!” gasped Sunburst. He shook his head. “No… They’re much closer to distilled!” His sapphire blue eyes widened. “That doesn’t seem physically possible!”

Somnambula popped another grape into her mouth and smiled widely. “All is possible if one simply has hope!”

Mistmane raised the back of her forehoof to her mouth and let out a small titter. “Also, I spent years perfecting that plant—” she motioned towards Meadowbrook “—and Meadowbrook likewise spent years mastering the potion to make it grow to its full potential in such a short amount of time.”

Meadowbrook flashed a sweet smile that made a little ‘squee’ sound before she popped a grape into her mouth.

“Hah!” Flash Magnus exclaimed. “Well, what’s important to me is the wonderful, boozy result!”

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash called out as she suddenly flew up to Flash Magnus. “I just wanted to see what was going on here on account of me hearing one or several words that piqued my interest!”

Flash Magnus’s face lit up as he picked another bunch of grapes. “Yes! Come, pegasister!” Flash Magnus passed the entire bunch to Dash who took them in a wing.

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!” Rainbow Dash chanted as her face flushed crimson and she gleefully began popping grape after grape into her mouth.

Flash Magnus wrapped a wing around Rainbow Dash and pulled her close. “Now here’s a mare that knows how to eat grapes!”

Rainbow Dash exclaimed with an incredibly exuberant “Eeeeeeeeeh!” as she cozied up to Flash Magnus.

Starlight raised an eyebrow and took a step forward. “Rainbow, pardon me for being a little blunt but—”

“Flash gave me his grapes!” Rainbow Dash snapped jealously as she folded her feathers over the bunch. “Get your own!”

“Uh, no… Not that… Er…” Starlight took a few steps back and motioned for Rainbow Dash to follow her.

Sighing, Rainbow Dash took a few steps forward. “What?” she asked brusquely.

Starlight leaned in close and whispered into Rainbow Dash’s ear, “I got the impression you were mostly into mares…”

Rainbow Dash raised a wing to shield the sound of her talking from Flash Magnus, “Dude, it’s Flash Magnus. I wouldn't care if he’s packing some sort of slimy collection of tentacles between his legs!”

“… It alarms me that I’m aroused instead of the opposite of that from that visual image,” Starlight murmured.

Rainbow Dash popped a few more grapes into her mouth then continued casually, “If I play my cards right, I might end up bumping awesomes with one of the greatest pegasi who’s ever lived!”

Starlight took a moment to glance past Rainbow Dash. “Judging by the look Flash Magnus is giving your flank, I’m pretty sure you could present him with a mishmash of number cards, no face cards, and still end up winning a few hooves.”

“I like those odds!”

“I just told you, there are no odds,” Starlight shook her head. “You might as well hold your cards the wrong way and just wait for Flash to fold.”

Rainbow Dash shoveled a hoofful of grapes into her mouth and immediately trotted back over to Flash where the pegasi suddenly wrapped wings around the other. “It’s going to be an awesome day!” Rainbow Dash declared.

“Verily!” Flash Magnus agreed as he held a bunch of grapes up high.

“BLUUOOOWHUEOOOOWHUEEOOOOWHUEEOOOOO!”

“Unless you’re Twilight,” Rainbow Dash added.

“Verily!” Flash Magnus agreed once more as he repeated the motion with his grapes.

Pinkie, Rarity, and Fluttershy continued to do their best to soothe the downtrodden princess as Applejack glanced past Rockhoof’s ample frame to see Star Swirl still ineffectual swatting at the massive earth pony stallion’s considerable bulk. “Uh… I still wouldn’t mind givin’ that ornery wizard a piece of my mind.”

Rockhoof frowned slightly. “I would not recommend that. Star Swirl has done terrible things to ponies when he acquires pieces of their minds.”

“Er… Ah didn’t mean literally,” Applejack stipulated.

“I doubt very much that clarification matters.”

Applejack sighed. “So, what? We’re jus’ supposed to sit here while Equestria’s most famous wizard tries and fails to pummel ya and my friend cries until she runs out of tears?”

Rockhoof glanced at the flailing Star Swirl. “Oh, he tires himself out after a bit…”

“I HEARD THAT YOU USELESS BOULDER OF A PONY!” Star Swirl snarled as he redoubled his efforts to injure the much larger Rockhoof, successfully upping the damage he was inflicting from ‘none whatsoever’ to twice that. It also had the effect of changing the sound of his bells from ‘Jolly Ol’ Saint Giver at a Rave’ to ‘SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE! SAINT GIVER and his REINDEER ARE HAVING A SEIZURE!’

Applejack let out a heavy sigh. “There’s gotta be something useful we can do to actually address the horrible monstrosity unleashed upon Equestria.”

Rainbow Dash suddenly called out, “Pretty sure we can calm Starlight down if we just offer to fly kites with her!”

“HEY!” Starlight protested.

“YEAH! Up top, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed holding up a forehoof as Pinkie zipped away from Twilight just long enough to share a quick hoof bump with Rainbow Dash.

Rarity took a moment to trot over to Applejack and Rockhoof. “Perhaps Star Swirl would be more likely to respond to some charming, young unicorn mare?”

“Why?!” Rainbow Dash called out. “You know one?!”

“HEY!” both Rarity and Starlight protested.

“DOUBLE UP-TOP, PINKIE!”

Again, Pinkie zipped over towards Dash, and again, hoof bumps were exchanged.

Rarity let out a slightly exasperated sigh and looked up to Rockhoof. “Please let me talk to him, I’m sure my feminine wiles can help soothe this situation.”

Rockhoof gave Rarity an unsure look. “I wouldn’t risk it if I were you…”

Rarity furrowed her brow. “Why!? You don’t think I’m attractive enough?!”

Rockhoof raised a forehoof in front of himself. “Oh, your beauty is not in question, young mare. It’s simply that no mare’s feminine wiles have managed to tame Star Swirl’s anger.”

Rarity smiled confidently. “Perhaps I shall be the first then!”

Rockhoof furrowed his bushy orange brow in concern, before voicing a quiet, rumbling query. “Oh. Star Swirl?”

“FEEL MY UNRELENTING HOOVES OF FURY, YOU BOVINE IN PONY FORM!”

“Yes, quite. Amongst our group, which mare would you say is the most attractive?”

“Tis is a trick question, that!” Star Swirl declared. “All mares are hideous mewling quims without exception who drain the lifeforce from men and should be locked away in closets for breeding purposes only.”

Rarity and Applejack’s eyes shot open wide. “Jus’ gonna put it out there,” Applejack said, “Ah’m experiencing a level of anger previously unknown to me. Again, just wanna throw that out there for the good of the group.”

“In with the good air…” Rarity took a deep breath. “Out with the bad…” she exhaled and looked up at Rockhoof. “His opinions being as objectively terrible as they are, for the sake of my dear friend Twilight, I feel I simply must make an earnest attempt here.”

Rockhoof gave Rarity a small, good-natured smile as he planted his shovel with one hoof and motioned to Star Swirl with the other.

Rarity said as she strode around Rockhoof. “Oh, yoo-hoo! Mr. Star Swirl! I must say I’m ever such a big fan of your work!” Rarity said, batting her eyelashes at the elder mage. “And you are far more handsome a stallion than I could have ever dreamed. Your beard is simply a sight to behold!”

Star Swirl’s pummeling slowly stopped until he was merely swatting Rockhoof before dwindling to nothing at all. “Madam, you have exactly two minutes to ask me whatever you wish to ask before I either comply or swat you across the face. I reserve the right to do both should I choose.”

“Oh, erm… Well… you see—”

Star Swirl narrowed his eyes. “Also, your mane looks like it was rolled up into some great wheel contraption!”

“I beg your bucking pardon?!” Rarity snapped.

“Denied!” Star Swirl replied. “P.S. Tick-tock.”

Rarity took a deep breath and forced softness back into her expression. “Star Swirl, you have such lovely”— Rarity cringed and immediately put back on her previous expression —“taste in both hats and capes, if I may say so myself!”

“You may,” Star Swirl said.

“May I touch your cape?”

“You may not!” Star Swirl snapped as he reared back onto his haunches and snatched up his cape to the jangle of bells.

Rarity let out a small sigh of relief and then forced a frown. “But, I just wanted to…” Rarity sighed heavily and motioned with a forehoof. “Rockhoof, darling, would you mind moving a scooch?”

“Not at all!” Rockhoof replied as he took a few steps forward allowing Star Swirl and Rarity line of sight to Twilight who was finally getting her tears under control.

Rarity motioned towards Twilight. “The mare you see in front of you is a powerful and accomplished magician in her own right! Why she was once a unicorn like yourself until she completed one of your very spells and ascended to Princesshood!”

Star Swirl glared out at Twilight, doubt written across his forehead. “Really? She was able to overcome the obvious shortfalls as a mare and improve upon one of my spells?”

Rarity held a smile on her face, but it was starting to become clear it was being held against her will. “Erm, quite. She’s an avid studier of your work and even was able to free you after a mere few days of research.”

“Terrible mistake! The literal worst!” Star Swirl snapped.

“Well, Twilight feels ever so bad about that and—”

“Second worst mistake was that mare’s parents conceiving her!”

Everypony in the immediate vicinity pulled a face like they just took a back-kick to the heart, with the exception of Rockhoof who simply rolled his eyes.

Twilight threw back her head and began to wail pathetically. Pinkie and Fluttershy immediately began to console her as best as they could.

“See!” Star Swirl motioned to Twilight. “There she goes again! I swear, all you mares… one mention that someone thinks it would have been better had you not been born and you act like your whole world crumbles!”

“Ah,” Applejack said, “so this is what it feels like to wanna commit a murder.”

With a herculean effort made clear by the several visible veins on Rarity’s face, neck, and forehead, Rarity maintained the barest hints of a smile and civility. “Her only hope was to meet and be of service to you. I assure you, Twilight is a magician of a caliber practically unrivaled in all of Equestria.”

Starlight raised a foreleg. “Hey, but I almost—”

Rarity’s head cocked to the side as her smile fell askew. “Not important right now, Starlight, dear~!” she warbled.

“Right, I’ll shut up,” Starlight said.

Rarity continued, “It is quite possible, nay, probable that with Twilight’s help you can send the Pony of Shadows back to Limbo without trapping anypony else. Why, if any pony can do it, Twilight can! And why deny Equestria the sight of your-hurk—” Rarity quickly raised a forehoof to cover her mouth, her cheeks puffing out before she made a pained swallow and kept her, smile- frayed, beaten, and dying that it was- on her face “—handsome bell hats and wonderful capes!”

Star Swirl glanced upwards towards the brim of his bell hat and stroked his beard. “Well, my taste in bell hats and capes is impeccable…”

Rarity quickly dashed off to the nearest bush. There was a sickly sloshing sound before Rarity raised her head, produced an azure handkerchief she swiped across her mouth and galloped back in front of Star Swirl while she lobbed the used handkerchief into the -likewise used- bush. She once again stood in front of him, her smile a thing in the vaguest of shapes only.

Seemingly not noticed Rarity’s brief absence, Star Swirl looked down, his bells ringing slightly as he did. “Very well, Ms. Animal-by-product monstrosity—”

“DID YOU JUST CALL ME A-ANIMAL DUNG?!”

“That was not my intent,” Star Swirl replied.

“Ah think, he meant ‘marshmallow’, Rarity,” Applejack said.

“Oh… Well, I suppose I’ve heard that one quite a few—”

“However, if the horseshoe fits!”

Rarity opened her mouth to shriek, but no sound came out.

“Ow!” a distant call from Spike called out. “I don’t know who just did that, but I’m pretty sure dog me is pretty upset right now.”

-~Across dimensions in a high school~-

“GHA?!” Spike erupted out of the backpack he was sitting in and landed on all fours on the carpeted floor as he began to swat at his hears with his paws. “What the heck, Rarity?!”

Rarity looked up from the textbook her face was buried in. “I beg your pardon?”

“Ouch…” Spike swatted as his ears some more. “Denied.”

“Miss Twilight Sparkle!” A male adult with light-tan skin and wavy black hair growled out while perched in front of a chalkboard laden with numbers. “Did you bring a dog to school?!”

The bespectacled Twilight Sparkle shrank in her desk. “Sorry, Mr. Doodle. He usually stays in his backpack…”

“He’s not to be at school at all!” Doodle retorted.

“Oh, cut her some slack,” Sunset Shimmer said in a bored tone as she flipped through her own textbook. “She’s a superhero.”

“OH!” Mr. Doodle said in an incredulous tone. “And I suppose that means you think certain rules shouldn’t apply to her?”

“… Yes?” Sunset Shimmer replied in a somewhat confused tone as she looked above her book. “We have to save the school and city from magical nonsense, which means we occasionally have to leave class in the middle of it, ignore laws here and there, and employ talking dogs to help us… Why are we having this conversation?”

Mr. Doodle fumed at Sunset. “Well, at the very least, that talking dog needs to go to the office and get a visitor's badge!”

Growling, Spike padded towards the door of the class. “Geez… I can’t believe you’d just do that, Rarity! The nerve!”

“But… What’d I do?! What did I do?!” Rarity cried frantically.

Spike stopped at the door and glared up at it. “Someone open this dumb door! I’m small and don’t have thumbs!”

-~Back in horse dimension~-

“—I shall speak to this Twilight…” Star Swirl said.

Rarity let out a sigh of relief as Star Swirl took a couple steps away from her.

“Oh, yes!” Star Swirl cried. “I almost forgot one thing!”

“Uh, yes?” Rarity asked.

Star Swirl turned and swatted Rarity across the face as he did.

Rarity paused, mouth hanging agape, her mind desperately trying to catch up with what just happened. With a satisfactory nod, Star Swirl turned and began trotting over towards Twilight.

Applejack spoke up, “Is it murder if everypony thinks the victim is already long dead?”

“Hold me back, Applejack!” Rarity declared. “If you shan’t hold me back, that vile ruffian’s beard will be made into my new dish-rag!”

“Yeah, not really inclined to stop ya,” Applejack said.

“He’s so infuriating!” Rarity cried.

“Yeah, Ah know,” Applejack agreed. “Ah’ve been here the entire time. Now, before you and I start figurin’ out how to make Star Swirl’s untimely… er… way overdue end look like an accident...” Applejack looked up at Rockhoof. “How the hay do you five put up with that bearded bastard?”

Rockhoof gave Applejack a big, warm smile. "We are all quite drunk literally all the time."

Applejack and Rarity exchanged a quick glance.

"So,” Rarity began, “Right now, you're...?"

"Verily!" Taking his shovel in his hooves, Rockhoof quickly swung it toward the bushel of grapes, expertly severing a bunch from their vine and quickly maneuvering the shovel to catch it. He immediately raised the end to his mouth. “Come to papa, you delectable treats!” he said as he opened wide and allowed the entire bunch to fall into his waiting maw. Quickly chewing and swallowing, he grinned gleefully. “Ah! Yes! It’s the only thing that makes time with that miserable old goat bearable!”

“WHO IS INSULTING MY GOAT?!” Star Swirl screeched as he stood in front of Twilight.

Still holding onto Twilight, Pinkie had her lips pursed closed as her cheeks burned red and she glared at aforementioned goat with an anger pretty much the antithesis of her usual bubbly nature. Likewise, Fluttershy stared at Star Swirl with wide, open eyes and lips held in a tight, straight line. Her expression was almost unreadable, save for a glint in her eyes that seemed to repeat ‘kill, kill, kill’ over and over again.

“Er… Hi!” Twilight offered in an oddly cheery tone given the past few minutes. “I feel we got off on the wrong hoof,” Twilight extended a forehoof. “My name is Twilight Sparkle and I’m the Princess of Friendship,” She couldn’t help but titter excitedly, “and your biggest fan in Equestria.”

Star Swirl swatted the forehoof away. “I have no need to listen to or touch you, whelp!”

Twilight whimpered and retracted her forehoof as Pinkie began to growl like a dog protecting its owner and Fluttershy’s face tightened further.

“All I need is your compliance!” Star Swirl said. “Do you promise to do anything I tell you without question or whining?!”

“Uh…” Twilight thought about this for a moment. “Yes to the first, and I can at least promise to only whine behind your back.”

Star Swirl nodded. “I suppose that’s the best I can expect from a mare. Very well, you are hereby allowed to assist me in fixing the problem you caused, you half-brained, witless ninny.”

Twilight swallowed. “I won’t let you down!”

“It is far too late for that, but perhaps you can prove to me you’re some sort of exceedingly rare credit to your gender.”

Pinkie’s head suddenly tilted 90 degrees with an audible ‘snap’ and she pulled back a forehoof.

“Can we have a moment, please?” Fluttershy asked sweetly before Pinkie could let her hoof fly.

Star Swirl glared at the girls. “Ah, you three need your privacy to use the washroom, I take it?”

“Erm, that sounds plausible,” Fluttershy answered.

“FINE!” Star Swirl snapped as he trotted away. “Well, be quick about it! Or at least as quick as you can tend to your strange and gross female needs.” He added, practically spitting out the word ‘female’. Star Swirl turned. “Pillars, to me! We have to make a plan for when we next see the Pony of Shadows! I will come up with the plan and you will all tell me how great it is!”

The mares watched Star Swirl trot away. When it seemed he was out of earshot, Pinkie finally exploded in both words and anger. “Twilight, are you loco in the coco?! How are going to work with that big meanie meanie-pants flank-hole?!” She motioned towards Star Swirl.

Twilight winced slightly. “I accidentally released a terror on Equestria Pinkie, he has a right to be angry with me…”

“Maybe?! And that’s a HUGE freakin’ maybe! I mean… Starlight does that like every other month and we’re still friends with her!” Pinkie’s face tightened once more. “Even if you messed up, he doesn’t have the right to talk to you or anypony the way he does!” Pinkie turned towards Fluttershy. “Right, Fluttershy?”

“Yes,” Fluttershy said simply.

Twilight took a deep breath. “Girls, I appreciate—”

Fluttershy interrupted, “Star Swirl the Bearded is the worst pony I have ever met, ever. Every second in his presence I spend quietly trying to remind myself it’d would be ‘wrong’ to call a menagerie of angry animals, both big and small, to rip into him and cackle manically as I laugh and laugh to the sounds of his frantic screaming.”

Twilight’s amethyst eyes opened wide. “Fluttershy? I think you may need to calm down a little…”

“No, Twilight!” Pinkie hissed. “You need to get mad here! Fluttershy is mad! Twilight, you completed one of Star Swirl’s spells with the magic of friendship and became a princess! You shouldn’t have to put up with this! Nopony should!”

“Be GONE, harlot!” Star Swirl’s voice rang out.

Somnambula’s mirthful laughter filled the air. “Welcome to the ‘Harlot’s Club’, Rainbow Dash!”

“SILENCE YOU CONTEMPTIBLE WENCH!”

Somnambula giggled. “I adore you as well, you bearded old goat.”

“EVERYPONY STOP BRINGING UP MY GOAT!”

Rainbow Dash hovered over to Twilight, Fluttershy, and Pinkie. Starlight and Sunburst trotting behind her as Rarity and Applejack also came to join the group.

“Hey, guys?” Rainbow Dash said. “What’s a ‘harlot’?”

“‘Harlot’ means prostitute, darling,” Rarity informed.

“What?!” Rainbow Dash cried angrily. “The nerve of that guy.”

Rarity nodded. “He is, literally, the worst pony I’ve ever met.”

“I know, right?!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. She motioned to herself. “I don’t charge for sex! I’m really more of a slut!”

Applejack let out a heavy sigh and raised a forehoof to her face, clenching her eyes tightly. “Yes, that’s the problem.”

“Now, everypony,” Starlight chimed in, “uh… possibly unpopular idea time, but have you all considered murder?”

“Starlight!” Twilight chastised.

“Ah have considered murder,” Applejack said.

“Me as well,” Rarity chimed in.

“Me too,” Fluttershy cried.

“Me three! Or FIVE even!” Pinkie chimed in.

“What! Girls!” Twilight cried. “We can’t just murder one of Equestria’s greatest wizards!”

Starlight smiled slightly. “Okay, but is it really murder if everypony thinks he’s already dead?”

“That’s what Ah said!” Applejack exclaimed.

Twilight let out a small, annoyed groan.

“Groaning isn’t going to fix this, Twilight!” Pinkie said. “Knives might!”

“We’re not going to kill anypony!” Twilight exclaimed.

“Erm,” Sunburst spoke up, “What about the Pony of Shadows?”

“We’re maybe killing somepony!” Twilight said. “But not Star Swirl!”

A series of disappointed groans escaped the lips of the mares present.

Sunburst looked around. “Has anypony seen Spike the Brave and Glorious?”

Rarity looked about. “I thought I heard him earlier…”

“You don’t need to say his title all the time, Sunburst,” Applejack said.

“Oh?” Sunburst replied, “Er, but Spike insisted upon it.”

“Pfft! I would!” Rainbow Dash said.

“Here! I’m here!” Spike said as he crested a nearby hill, a hand-drawn cart covered in a blue tarp behind him, whatever was under the tarp clearly having filled the cart until it was nearly spilling over. Everypony peered curiously at the dragon’s wagon as he walked up to the group. “Alright! Spike on deck to help you deal with one PoS.”

“Spike!” Twilight chastised. “Language.”

“Uh, Twi?” Applejack said. “Ah think Spike just means the ‘Pony of Shadows’.”

“Oh, I guess that makes sense,” Twilight said.

Spike shook his head. “Actually, I was talking about Star Swirl.”

“Spike!” Twilight snapped.

Applejack nodded. “Ah still feel Spike is in the right here.”

Most the mares present nodded in agreement.

“Uh, hey Spike…” Fluttershy greeted. “Er… Where have you been?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie shrieked. “Where were you when Twilight needed you?”

Spike pointed behind him with his claws. “You guys seemed busy so I decided to keep track of the shadow monster thing... Figure out what we’re up against.”

“Oh! Good idea, Spike!” Twilight said.

Pinkie gave Spike a vexed look. “Okay, but Twilight really needed your help! You know she calms right down when she cuddles her number one assistant!”

Twilight let out a small nervous chuckle as her cheeks began to turn pink.

“Look, I heard Twilight crying and I knew I had to get out of here.”

“Ugh, typical guy move!” Applejack griped. “Just a bit of emotion and you start running away.”

“Wow, sexist much, AJ?” Spike countered. He suddenly pulled the tarp from his wagon revealing a few dozen aerosol cans piled high. “I had to leave because I needed to find as much spray mace the immediate area had, a tarp, and a cart to carry it all in. Now, are you all going to get on my case, or are we going to pick up that mace and help me hose Star Swirl down?”

Immediately, every mare present, except Twilight, all dove for the cart and quickly emptied its contents. The sound of cans being shaken vigorously filled the air.

“Wait, stop!” Twilight pleaded. “We can’t just mace the greatest wizard to have ever lived!”

“I’m pretty sure we can,” Spike replied as he shook one of the mace cans in a claw.

Pinkie giggled. “Hehe… ‘Can’,” she uttered shaking a thing of mace in each forehoof and one in her hair curl.

“No!” Twilight insisted. “We need Star Swirl to find the Pony of Shadows again!”

Spike rolled his emerald eyes. “Twilight, PoS#1 is right there! You can see where the sky is really overcast?” Spike pointed past some trees and across a number of sloping hills to a modest collection of thatched-roof homes under a cloudy sky. “See! He’s so tall you can still see him above the roofs of the houses!”

“Uh… Oh!” Twilight said. “Okay, but we need Star Swirl to banish him!”

Spike shrugged. “Maybe? But PoS#1 isn’t really doing anything all that bad!”

Twilight inhaled then exhaled sharply. “Spike, if I stop to listen, I can hear the screams of ponies from here!”

“That’s just your opinion, Twilight.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “I’m fairly certain that ponies are screaming is objective fact, Spike.”

“Many would call that singing,” Spike countered.

“What?!” Twilight cried.

A haunting piano refrain drifted on the wind followed by a distant, “Its starts with One—!”

“One thing, I don’t know why,”

“It’s doesn’t even matter how hard you try…”

“See!” Spike exclaimed. “All I’ve seen the PoS#1 do is eat really spicy food just so he ‘feels something’, litter, cover his eyes and sob to himself, and steal ponies’ record players and nu-metal albums so he can listen to the music with the volume cranked.”

Sunburst’s face contorted in confusion. “So, the Pony of Shadows isn’t terrorizing anypony?”

“That doesn’t make sense!” Twilight exclaimed. “He attacked us!”

“Erm… Actually, he attacked Star Swirl,” Fluttershy pointed out, adding “And really… Who could blame him?” Everypony turned to look at the mare who continued, “You and Starlight just defended Star Swirl…”

“Okay, but he’s still a menace!” Twilight insisted. “I mean… He has to be stopped, right?”

Spike shrugged. “Well, I wouldn’t say he’s not bugging anypony, but aside from the attack on PoS#2 and destroying Ponehenge, I think the pony most being terrorized over there is the Pony of Shadows himself.”

-~Earlier~-

Spike poked his head out of a store, the sign above naming it, ‘The Pepper Spray and Make them Pray for a Swift Death Store!’ with a small sign that added, ‘More pepper spray than you can use to cover a crotchety old man with!’.

“Hey!” a blue-gray stallion with a blonde coiffed mohawk called out. “That monster just stole my records! Give them back! I was once hugged by Twilight Sparkle, you know!”

“YOU CANNOT MAKE ME, MORTAL!” A deep, dark voice bellowed before it crumpled up a wrapper labeled ‘Spicy Chicken Sandwich’ and threw it at the pony. “FOR YOU ARE NOT MY REAL DAD!”

The wrapper bounced harmlessly off the miffed stallion before the Pony of Shadows covered his shadow ‘eyes’ with his forehooves. “OH, FATHER!” it called in an unterrestrial tone that reverberated through the air. “WHY DID YOU NOT LOVE ME?!”

-~Back in the Present~-

~~PoS#2~~ Star Swirl trotted back up to the group of mares, bright orange stallion, and purple and green dragon, the cans of mace having been put back into the wagon much to the obvious chagrin of nearly the entire group. “Alright,” Star Swirl began, “I’ve talked to the Pillars. They have agreed to help, and by that, I mean they have agreed to stay out of my way and lavish me with compliments upon my eventual success. Have you properly taken care of all of your superfluous mare nonsense?” Starlight asked Twilight.

Most the group collectively began to let out small growls of irritation as hooves and claws slowly reached for the wagon.

“We have!” Twilight said. “I did want to introduce you to—”

“Wait, stop talking!” Star Swirl said. “Though, I understand that is difficult for your gender.” Star Swirl focused his attention on Sunburst. “Who is this one that has such fine taste in capes?”

A surprised smile crossed Sunburst’s face. “Oh, er, uh, thank you?”

“Uh, that’s Sunburst,” Twilight said. “He’s the one who helped discover your journal which—”

“CEASE YOUR INSIPID PRATTLING WOMAN!” Star Swirl turned towards Sunburst again. “Sunburst, eh? So you too helped release me?”

“Oh, erm, well,” Sunburst rubbed the back of his head. “I mostly just found your old journal,” he answered Star Swirl.

Star Swirl nodded. “You must have a keen eye for magic to spot my book! You must be quite the accomplished wizard.”

Sunburst responded with a sheepish smile. “Well... I’m not very powerful… Er… At all… I guess I like to think I’m knowledgeable at least…”

“Oh, excuse me?” Starlight said.

“You’re not excused!” Snapped Star Swirl. “Go away.”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Twilight was the one who’s unraveled the mysteries of two of your most complex spells.”

“Yes, yes,” Star Swirl said, “I’ve already been told the showy princess there has blundered through many of my spells.”

Hooves and claws reached for cans but were quickly swatted away by purple wings.

Starlight’s eyes narrowed. “I’ve also utilized one of your spells… and improved upon it!”

“Broken it is more likely!” scoffed Star Swirl. “Why, my spells are absolute perfection!” He shook his head. “How could a mare possibly improve upon one?”

Starlight smiled smugly. “Well, I managed to use your time spell to go back years instead of a week!”

“What?!” Star Swirl cried in surprise. “Whatever for?!”

“Well… I was kinda going through this whole ‘revenge phase’ and tried to prove to Twilight that one band of friends and cutie marks as a whole were unimportant… That kinda backfired… The point is both Twilight and I have taken your spells and made them better!”

“You dare use my time travel spell to go back more than a week!” Star Swirl took a moment to shake a forehoof at Starlight. “That spell is for going back in time to yell at one's servants so they may remind oneself of important tasks and dates and also to make meals on time! You dare use it for such trivialities?! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT AT ONCE LEST I BANISH YOU TO TARTARUS WITH ALL THE PONIES THAT HAVE MADE FUN OF MY GLORIOUS BELL CAPES AND HATS YOU MOST FOUL AND DISGRACEFUL STRUMPET!”

Starlight grit her teeth together hard. “Girls? I’m going to need an alibi.”

“If anypony asks,” Applejack began, “you and Ah were never here. You were helpin’ me pick apples.”

“AJ, it’s not even apple harvest season!” Rainbow Dash pointed out.

“Oh, then,” Applejack said, “We’ll just say we were burnin’ and saltin’ Strawberry Surprise’s fields, also we have ta burn and salt Strawberry Surprise’s fields.”

“Works for me!” Starlight agreed.

“No! No! No!” Twilight exclaimed. She let out a groan. “Star Swirl? Can you give us another moment!”

“By the GODS you mares and your unquenchable need for privy time!” Star Swirl let out a huff so strong that his bells once again jangled. “I’ll be a few yards over there muttering angrily to myself!” With that, Star Swirl stormed off to begin passing back and forth as he started grumbling loudly.

Twilight looked over her friends. “No salting, no burning, and most importantly no murder!”

A series of disappointed “Ahhh”’s filled the air.

“And AJ, you were going to lie!” Twilight accused as she pointed at Applejack.

“Ah feel that maybe I’ve now learned that sometimes a little white lie is necessary as a grown mare. Ah suppose that’s the tragic truth of society, but also a necessary one as a functional adult. This revelation is so important to me Ah’m sure it’s created some magic apple key somewhere or Ah’ve developed a new superpower.”

“You were going to murder Star Swirl! How is that a ‘white lie’.”

Starlight raised a forehoof. “Actually, I was going to murder Star Swirl. Applejack was just going to cover for me… plus we were going to take out Strawberry Surprise’s fields.”

“No! No more crimes!”

“Fine,” Applejack huffed out.

“I promise nothing,” Starlight said. She glanced upwards and bobbed her head back and forth. “But that’s more me being self-aware than saying I’m going to willingly engage in something society deems as illegal.”

“Ugh, look!” Twilight said. “I messed this up and I’ll fix it! Starlight, I guess you can sit this one out… Sunburst can help me. Star Swirl seems to like him.”

“Probably because he has a dick,” Spike pointed out.

“Spike!” Twilight exclaimed as the other mares present began tittering to themselves and Sunburst blushed slightly.

“Hey, I have a dick!” Spike said. “Two in fact!”

“… Really?” Starlight said in sudden interest.

“Maybe he’ll let me help!” Spike suggested. “Maybe twice as much!”

Twilight nodded. “He’d better, I don’t know what I’d do without my #1 cuddle bu-I mean-assistant!” she sighed and pointed away. “The rest of you girls can go hang out with the Pillars, I guess.”

“Way ahead of you!” Rainbow Dash called out. One of Flash Magnus’s wings had already wrapped around the mare.

Rarity considered this. “Hmm… Getting white-mare wasted does seem to be the next best course of action.”

Most of the other mares present agreed.

Starlight gave Twilight an unsure look. “Are you sure you got this?”

“So, he’s a little bit cranky!” Twilight said.

A series of protests around the word ‘little’ suddenly erupted from the group.

“I’m sure it’s nothing I can’t handle. Come on Spike, Sunburst! We’re going to save Equestria!”

Spike rolled his eyes. “More like we’re going to cut down on Equestrian noise complaints and make sure ponies don’t get vitamin D deficiencies, but whatever…”

Starlight moved her unsure look over to Sunburst. “Are you sure you got this?”

Sunburst blushed slightly. “Well, I’m a bit overwhelmed by getting to work with the legendary Star Swirl the Bearded, but I hope I’ll prove myself useful!”

“... What?!” Starlight exclaimed.

Spike sighed and raised a claw to his face. “Seriously?”

“Did… did I miss something?” Sunburst said as he looked between Starlight and Spike.

“Uh… Only Star Swirl’s horrible personality?!” Starlight offered.

“I’m not sure how though!” Spike exclaimed. “It’s bigger than a yak and somehow twice as rude!”

“Oh, well… Sure, he’s a little rough around the edges—” Sunburst said.

“Right?!” Twilight chirped or perhaps cawed out with a large, strained smile.

“—but it’s not like spellcasters aren’t known for their little idiosyncrasies.”

“Right?! RIGHT?!” Twilight piled on, her smile seeming like it might break at a moment’s notice.

Starlight said nothing, instead letting her twitching eye and twisted, open lips do the talking for her.

Spike’s shoulders slumped. “Glad I have enough wang for both the guys here…” he uttered in a disappointed tone.

Starlight peered at Sunburst curiously. “Sunburst, I know there’s a bit of this going around, but maybe you’re a little blinded by seeing one of your heroes.”

“Oh… You think?” Sunburst replied in a tone of genuine shock.

“Yeah, definitely,” Spike said.

Starlight put a forehoof on Sunburst’s shoulder. “Maybe it wouldn’t hurt for you to wait this one out a little until you got a better perspe—”

Twilight suddenly reached forward with both her forelegs and took one of Sunburst’s forehooves in her own. She gazed into Sunburst’s sapphire eyes with her big, wide amethyst ones. “Sunburst, I’m sorry. Things must be getting so hard for you…”

“Be-begging your pardon!?” Sunburst said, his glasses slipping slightly.

“Wait…” Starlight said. “What are you—”

“Sunburst, I need you!” Twilight said.

“Oh, er, uh… I, uh…”

Starlight’s jaw dropped and she opened up her mouth like she was going to let out a shriek but no sound came out.

Spike winced, and soon somewhere across dimensions a dog that looked much like, and sounded exactly like him let out a pained “Whyyyy?!”

Twilight continued, “I need you to help me with researching spells that can help me clear up this mess! If Starlight isn’t going to be allowed to help, I’m definitely going to need somepony that can add another point of view.” Twilight smiled. “Besides, there really isn’t a pony as knowledgeable about spells as you are!”

Starlight’s expression softened somewhat, but she still glared at Twilight grasping Sunburst’s forehoof.

“Oh, well... “ Sunburst smiled. “If you put it that way, then I’d be delighted to help you!”

“WOULD YOU CEASE PAWING AT MY NEW ASSISTANT AND GET ON WITH IT, YOU PURPLE EYE-SORE!” Star Swirl called out.

Twilight retracted her forehooves.

“Somewhat less delighted,” Sunburst added.

“Yeah, I’m not looking forward to this at all,” Spike chimed in. “But Twilight’s gonna need all the help she can get.”

Twilight smiled. “Thank you. Both of you!” Her smile widened. “I’m sure we’ll get this all sorted out in no time! No time at all!” Her smile widened even further as did her eyes. “And then… And then Star Swirl will like me and tell me what a great magic user I am!”

“Oh, Twilight?” Spike called out in concern.

“And then we’ll best friends and make all kinds of spells together!”

“Twilight!” Spike called out with a bit more force.

Twilight’s smile widened until it was clear her muscles were straining holding it in place. “And then he’ll see that there’s nothing wrong with being a mare and be nice and we’ll write all the books, all of them, and Equestria will be safe forever!”

Starlight and Sunburst exchanged concerned looks as Spike just sighed and brought a claw up to his face. “Let’s just… Let’s just get this over with.”

Twilight, Spike, and Sunburst all made their way over to Star Swirl. Who turned, glared for a moment, then focused his attention on Spike before exploding in anger. “WHAT IN THE NAME OF TARTARUS IS THAT MONSTROSITY?!”

“Uhhh… That’s Spike!” Twilight attempted to inform cheerfully. “He’s a young—”

“You DARE conjure foul single clawed beasts from the underworld to do your bidding?!” Star Swirl accused.

“But Spike has…” Twilight turned. “Spike! Stop shooting Star Swirl ‘the double deuce’ this instant!”

Star Swirl shook his head. “DISPEL THAT MONSTER AT ONCE AND MEET ME IN MY STUDY TEN SECONDS FROM NOW THAT I MAY GIVE YOU A SEVERE TONGUE LASHING!” Star Swirl said as he stormed off.

“You no longer HAVE a study, you old coot!” Mistmane exclaimed.

Star Swirl let out an enraged growl. “Fine!” He glared at Twilight. “Please dispel that most unholy of creatures and direct me to your study that I may give you a severe tongue-lashing there!” he exclaimed before he continued stomping away.

Twilight let out a distressed cry before calling out with a, “But—”

“Twilight, it’s fine!” Spike insisted.

“No, it’s not!” Twilight exclaimed her voice suddenly having turned frantic. She turned towards Spike. “With you gone, who will I stress cuddle?!”

Spike shrugged. “You can always hug Sunburst. He looks soft enough.”

Sunburst’s face started to glow an illuminant shade of red. “Oh, well… If it will make you feel better, Princess, I suppose that’s oka—”

“GIIIIIVE!” Twilight roared in a deep, needy voice as she quickly took Sunburst in a magenta glow and pulled him into her tight, vice-like waiting embrace.

“Gackkkk!” Sunburst uttered as Twilight squeezed him tightly, Starlight shooting the pair a somewhat envious glare as she snapped a bunch of the grapes in an electric blue glow and shoved them into her mouth.

“Yeah, she hugs hard, dude,” Spike informed.

“Wait, but what are you going to do, Spike?!” Twilight asked.

Spike clasped his claws behind his back and gave Twilight a mischievous smile. “Oh, don’t worry… I’ll keep myself occupied.”

“… Spike, are you plotting something?”

“Who, me?” Spike said as he pointed to himself with a thumb claw. “Scoff and shock, Twilight Sparkle! Scoff. And. Shock!”

“Okay, but I know that look! That’s you’re ‘I’m definitely going to do something’ look!”

“Twilight…” Sunburst gasped out. “Can you loosen up… Having trouble breathing here…”

“Whoops…” Twilight said as she let go of Sunburst who collapsed to the ground. “Sorry!”

“It’s okay…” Sunburst mumbled in a daze.

“Twilight, I promise I’m not up to anything!”

“You promise?”

Spike held up two claws up in a ‘V’ shape. “Scouts Honor!”

Twilight let out a sigh. “Okay then…” she said with not an unnoticeable degree of sadness. “Let’s go, Sunburst.”

Spike watched the pair walk off before removing his second claw from behind his back, two of the claws crossed over each other. “Like I’m a Scout…” he uttered as a sinister smile crossed his face.

Once the group had arrived back at Twilight's Castle and Star Swirl had separated Twilight long enough to yell at her in the privacy of her own study, Spike walked down the empty hallways of Twilight’s castle, the other ponies were busy enjoying revels or getting to know each other, with an emphasis of ‘know’ in some cases. Spike threw open the one of the set of gold trimmed, green crystalline doors and stared at a large, four post bed with royal purple drapes tied to the front most posts, a mulberry bedspread, and a large crystalline lilac and light purple roof. He walked past it up to a nightstand with a shaded lamp on top and opened the compartment under which the lamp sat on top of. Smiling demonically to himself. Spike pulled out a hard-bound book that had half of Twilight’s cutie mark on it, and the other half a sort of curvy sun.

Walking the book over to a desk with a quill and ink, he placed it on the desk, got up on a chair, opened the book to a blank page and began to write.

‘Hey, Sunset. It’s Spike… We have a code Star Swirl. Repeat we, have a code Star Swirl.’

Spike waited patiently for a moment. With a flash of fiery light, words began to appear in response.

‘You don’t need to repeat anything. It’s a book. I can just reread anything I don’t get initially. Also, what? That’s a new one. Is that like, some pony has bucked up a Star Swirl spell?’

‘Sort of?’

‘Starlight or Twilight?’ There was a brief pause before the words ‘Or both?’ were scrawled across the page.

‘Kinda both? More even? Sunburst, Starlight, Twilight all sorta had a hoof in this, but you see—’

‘Hold on a sec.’

‘Uh, sure.’

‘Right. Sorry. The teacher was getting on my case for ‘interdimensional texting’ and I told them that both Equestria and this world might be at stake and the school is usually ground zero for this crap.’

‘Okay, so—’

‘I mean, I could have said that and continued writing, but I needed my hand to shoot him the bird. You were saying all THREE of those ponies messed something up? Is just… All of Equestria on fire right now and you can only write to me because you're fireproof?!’

‘It’s not quite that bad and they meant well.’

‘They usually do. Well, Twilight does. I love Starry to death, but I’m not convinced she quite grasps the concept of ‘meaning well’. Sunburst’ there was another pause ‘Sunburst I think could get roped into pulling all of Equestria into a magic black hole without a second thought, honestly…’

‘Look, Sunset, Star Swirl was in Limbo but now he’s not. Also, Twilight kinda unleashed some sort of Pony of Shadows that might destroy Equestria.”

‘Whoa! You mean, you actually need me for something that’s really important?’

‘Yes. Star Swirl.’

‘Star Swirl? Not the Pony of Shadows?! Wait! You mean the Star Swirl the Bearded, legendary sorcerer and one of the few things that keeps Mom up at night, still?!’

‘Yes to both things, also, What? Look. Like I don’t even know if the Pony of Shadows has done anything wrong except for maybe be spooky looking, make it cloudy, borrow angsty metal albums without asking, eat spicy sandwiches, and play music really loud in public? It’s just that Star Swirl says this is important, but I really haven’t seen any evidence that Equestria or anypony for that matter is in any danger.’

‘... Okay...

… Just...

… What...?’

‘Look. Star Swirl is a big flank-hole. Just like… the worst. He made Twilight cry almost immediately after getting out of Limbo… and I mean bad crying! Real ‘I’m hurt emotionally and need a hug, stat’ crying! I’ve watched that mare accidentally set a foreleg on fire before putting it out with a fire extinguisher and calmly asking me to fetch the burn cream. Plus, he won’t even talk to Starlight and threatened to send her to Tartarus! He thinks I’m a demon! A literal demon! And I think something went down with him and the rest of the girls? The only pony he seems to be willing to give the time of day to is Sunburst, and I’m pretty sure that’s just because Sunburst has a penis.’

The page remained blank as Spike stared at it for a good several seconds.

“Sunset?”

More emptiness.

‘Er… Are you being quiet because of the penis thing?’

‘Sorry, I just ran out of class. I’ll be right there.’

A chuffed smile appeared on Spike’s face. ‘Copy that. I’ll be waiting.’

Soon, a large dressing mirror flanked by lamp-shaped pillars and surrounded by various houses and wooden and metal contraptions glowed with a strange light. The pillars pulsated with magic energy and the surface of the mirror turned into a swirling, purple vortex.

And behold, out of the mirror came a fiery horse. Its name was Sunset Shimmer, and Hell followed with her.

Let the Beard hit the Floor! Let the Bells hit the Floor! Let the Bastard hit the Floor! AaaaaAAAAAAAAAhhhhHHHHHHhhHHHHH!

View Online

Sunset Shimmer marched down the halls of Twilight Sparkle’s castle, every step reverberating throughout the crystalline halls with purpose. “What’s the sitch, Spike?” she asked her purple and green (but mostly purple) companion whom was walking fast to keep up with her.

“Twilight, Sunburst and Star Swirl are in Twilight’s study figuring out magic stuff while most every other pony is getting drunk or getting laid in the castle.”

Without slowing her pace, Sunset tossed a wayward glance down at Spike. “That’s an, uh, odd detail to share.”

“You asked!” Spike pointed out. “Oh… Twilight, Starlight, and Sunburst also released the Pillars.”

“The what now?”

“Uh, more ancient ponies of legend. Rockhoof, Mistmane, Flash Magnus, Mage Meadowbrook, and Somno… Sombla.. Somnambleah… pony who solved the Sphinx’s riddles!”

“Oh, cool. Hopefully they don’t get in my way regarding Star Swirl the Bastard.”

Spike shrugged. “Their relationship seems to be one of alcohol-based tolerance for the guy.”

“Alright, anything else?”

There was an audible gasp from behind Sunset and Spike. “Sunset! You’re here!”

Spike pointed behind himself with a thumb claw. “Starlight knows you’re here.”

“Yeah, I got that Spike…”

One of the gold-trimmed, green double doors exploded open and Rainbow Dash appeared wearing Flash Magnus’s helmet, which had slid down over her eyes. Lifting it up with a forehoof, she caught sight of the fiery looking alicorn. “HEY, EVERYPONY!” Rainbow Dash called out. “SUNSET’S HERE AND SHE’S WALKING TOWARDS THE STUDY!”

“Oh, and Rainbow Dash knows you’re here.”

Sunset gave a good-natured chuckle as she shook her head slightly.

At once, a few more doors opened and out poured the Element Bearers and Pillars, the former with expectant smiles on their faces and the latter with perplexed expressions as they inquired as to what was going on.

Spike glanced behind him towards the group. “Huh… No Rarity or Mistmane, though…”

“Aye,” Rockhoof said. “Those two were having a heated discussion regarding the sexual organs of dragons.”

“Oh, reaaally…?” Spike said, a massive smile on his face.

Applejack’s face tightened. “Yeah… It was gettin’ pretty detailed and weird… We’re talkin’ Mistmare holdin’ her hoof apart and Rarity using her measuring tape to figure out depth.”

“Hah, I like the sound of that,” Spike said.

“Calm down, Romeo,” Sunset said, smile on her face. “Star Swirl first, love second.”

Spike nodded and pointed. “The study is right down this hallway.”

Sunset nodded. “Alright mares and stallions, we’re about to hit an off ramp from the Highway to Hell,” Sunset’s smile became wide and devilish. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

---

Star Swirl pored over the books in front of him with an ease and expertise that can only come from years and years of careful study, rigorous work, and of course, being himself. Floating books about him, he both noted and quoted what was relevant onto spare parchment. With his skills at reading it was clear that he was exceeding at leading these proceedings. Why would any wizard, unicorn, showy triple-pony, or otherwise be able to outdo his ability to accrue and construe the magical clues of this gumshoe’s prevue? The very idea must be simply untrue! In fact, just a bit longer of this overview and it seemed that Star Swirl would rendezvous with a breakthrough, except something entered Star Swirl’s field of view. Yet another triple-pony mare who was making her Star Swirl debut.

At once the super showy orange mare with a red-and-yellow mane began speaking to Star Swirl. Nothing out the usual and nothing he hadn’t heard before. Yes, yes, he was assuredly great and a boon to Equestria. This was obvious. I mean, it never hurt that those lower ponies said the words reminding themselves as much as anypony, but it could be all so tedious after a while and…

Oh, hold on. Why were all the other useless mares suddenly piling in?! And why were they so giddy? Some low-brow, female joke no doubt… Except for the less impressive of Star Swirl’s new assistants. She seemed to be having another one of her emotional problems. By the gods was she lucky that her presence as an assistant was even tolerated and…

What is it that Flash is bugging me for?! Star Swirl wondered as a pair of burnt orange wings touched his shoulders.

---

“Yes?!” Star Swirl growled out. “What is it Flash?! And be quick about it! That’s the one thing you’re good for.”

“Er…” Flash Magnus cast a wary eye at Sunset, though it did him no good. Sunset smiled as sweetly and innocently as she must have on the happiest day of her foalhood. In fact, one might say it was even more sweet and more innocent than that. An idea that worried Flash Magnus to no end. “Perhaps it’s best you not converse with this one,” he advised. He glanced about his new friends, each present had happily and quickly piled out into the hall upon hearing the call of Sunset Shimmer’s name. Even Rainbow Dash, who he had gotten to know quite well in such a short amount of time was grinning expectantly at the newcomer. He lowered his head to whisper into Star Swirl’s ear. “It seems she has quite the temper…”

Star Swirl swatted at Flash Magnus, catching the pegasus on the chin and send him reeling back towards the group. “Well of course she has a temper! She’s a mare and therefore not in complete control of her emotions!”

A series of sharp, expecting breaths were drawn as most eyes on the room fell onto Sunset Shimmer. Sunset just smiled that same, happy smile. “Oh, don’t be like that! I’m only here to help you!”

“Hah! Into an early grave, maybe!” Rainbow Dash chortled.

“Rainbow!” Twilight chastised.

“Hah! Good one!” Starlight said as she and Rainbow Dash shared a hoof bump.

Twilight let out a defeated sigh.

Star Swirl just frowned at the newcomer. “Well, unless you’re an expert at magic, I don’t see how you can possibly help.”

“Oh, me?” Sunset said as she motioned to herself. “Hah. No… I mean,” Sunset shrugged, “I couldn’t tell a pair of harmonic converging ley lines forming a juncture from a pair of discordant ley lines breaking away!” Sunset turned, using a forehoof to muffler her voice from Star Swirl slightly. “The difference is blue Vs. red shift. Converging ley lines are blue as the energy pulls in and settles and breaking ley lines are red because the energy is sent outwards.”

Sunburst flashed Sunset an approving smile and raise a forehoof in a sign of agreement.

“Hmm, yes, you must know nothing,” Star Swirl said. “Such phenomenon is discussed in terms of red Vs. blue shift.” He shook his head. “Nopony calls it blue Vs. red. That sounds simply preposterous.”

“See!” Sunset said. “I don’t know anything about magic!”

“Wait,” Pinkie said, “Weren’t you Celestia’s personal student and adopted daught—”

Spike placed a claw over Pinkie’s mouth and brought a foreclaw up to his lips. “Shhhh… I wanna see where she’s going with this.”

“And while I know practically nothing about magic, I do know enough on how to catch you up on everything you’ve missed over the last millennium!”

“Bah!” Star Swirl waved a foreleg about dismissively. “Why would I care for the current drivel ponies are concerning themselves with? The only thing I care about now is banishing the Pony of Shadows.” Star Swirl turned and shot a glare at Twilight. “Which somepony is responsible for releasing.”

Twilight’s ears fell around her head as she let out a sad whimper.

“Oh, I’m not talking about—”

“That pony!” Star Swirl said as he pointed angrily at Twilight. “I’m talking about that pony there…”

“Yes, I got that,” Sunset said, her smile cracking ever so slightly. “Well, I have a spell that can bring you the scrolls of your time! Even from the day after you left!”

Pinkie couldn’t help but let out a quiet, but giddy. “Eeeeee! Here it comes! Here it comes!”

Spike swatted at her. “Don’t ruin it!” he said in an equally hushed tone.

“Ohmygosh-ohmygosh-ohmygosh!” Rainbow Dash began to chant.

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Oh no…”

“Shhh…” Starlight said with a smile. “Just sit back and let it happen…”

“Really?” Star Swirl said finally showing some interest. “Assuming this isn’t simply female trickery, that’s a spell of some modest impressiveness.”

Sunset nodded. “And I can summon the next days, and the next! All the way up until the modern newspapers of today!”

Applejack’s jaw about hit the floor. “She’s not…”

Fluttershy tittered expectantly. “She is…”

Twilight’s lips twitched in concern

“Well, no need to dawdle,” Star Swirl scoffed, “feel free to show off this supposed remarkable skill of yours. I know how you mares do enjoy showing off.”

“Of course!” With a scarlet glow of her horn, a similarly colored cylindrical beam of magic appeared and out from it popped a gilded scroll which Sunset held next to her smiling smugly.

The air grew thick with the feeling of anticipation.

Star Swirl smiled. “Well don’t keep me waiting! Let me have it.”

A series of grimaces followed accompanied by light chucking rippled through the room.

Sunset’s smile suddenly shifted from something innocent to something rather demonic. “With pleasure,” she purred.

With that, Sunset pulled the scroll back like a floating baseball bat and brought it in a graceful arc right across Star Swirl’s face, knocking the smile off it and causing the bells of his hat to ring out.

Star Swirl turned and looked at his assaulter, his face a mix of surprise and anger. “You dare strike—?!”

With another flash of her magic, another scroll appeared, this one likewise brought across Star Swirls face. “And that’s the next days’!”

“HOW DARE—”

‘Swat!’

“Day three!”

“YOU KNOW NOT—”

‘Smack!’

“FOUR!”

“I WILL BANISH YOU TO—”

‘Pow!’

“FIVE!”

“Gha!” Star Swirl called out as he reeled from the last blow.

With gleeful glow of her horn, Sunset summoned another scroll. This one she positioned high above Star Swirl as if preparing to launch it straight downwards at the unicorn.

Sunset suddenly found herself and her scroll being pulled back in a magenta glow. She flailed her hooves about as her horn flared scarlet in an attempt to free herself from the magic grasp she found herself in. “Let go of me! LET ME GO!” she exclaimed.

Starlight leaned over to whisper into Twilight’s ear, “I think you better listen to her.”

Twilight’s forehead tightened as her horn blazed with the same glow that held Sunset and buzzed angrily as Sunset attempted to free herself. Luckily, Twilight’s magic held. “Sunset! Calm down! You can’t just beat Star Swirl the Bearded with ancient periodicals!”

“IT’S BEEN WORKING WELL SO FAR!” Sunset screamed. “AND IF YOU LET ME DO IT A FEW HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES WE’LL EVENTUALLY MOVE UP TO MORE MODERN PIECES!”

“SUNSET! You’ve got to calm down! Let’s talk about this!”

“No, Twilight! NO!” Sunset cried as she continued to struggle valiantly, but vainly against Twilight’s magic. “He’s the reason I have to put up with Adagio, Aria, and Sonata! He’s the reason mommy is unnerved by the sounds of bells and by the sight of big white beards! Do you know how many Hearths Warming’s Star Swirl has ruined for me indirectly?! SLIGHTLY MORE THAN I’VE RUINED FOR MYSELF!”

With that, Sunset let out an incomprehensible rage-filled snarl and fought all the harder against Twilight. Sunset’s horn blazed with crimson energy as her magics pushed back against Twilight’s. Twilight’s own horn poured forth magenta energy, continuing to clasp tightly to Sunset even as the rival alicorn fought back. Both the horns of the mares began to angrily hum and vibrate as if threatening to shatter from the conflict of raw magical power.

Star Swirl got back up to his hooves and adjusted his wizard hat and robes. “Release the whelp!” he demanded.

Sunset stopped her struggle as Twilight looked at Star Swirl in surprise. “But—”

“NOW, STRUMPET!” Star Swirl demanded.

Twilight complied with a look of concern, gently lowering Sunset back to the ground. The mare eyeing Star Swirl wearily as if waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Engaged black eyebrows framed furious steel blue eyes as Star Swirl sized up the alicorn in front of him. “I should banish you where you stand.”

Sunset chortled derisively. “You’d be dead before you got a spell off…”

“Uh, Sunset?” Twilight said. “Now is not a great—”

“I SAID BE QUIET!” Star Swirl bellowed.

Twilight clamped her mouth shut.

Sunset tilted her head, her eyelids drooping slightly over her turquoise irises. “You can also be dead before you start on a spell…”

Star Swirl regarded Sunset with a look of determination. “A duel of magic strengths then!” He said as he stood as upright as he could, causing his bells to jingle.

No sooner had Star Swirl said this then an air of excitement and terror rippled through the ponies. Excitement from most of the residents of this time and terror from the pillars and Twilight.

Sunset’s smile grew wide, stretching nearly from ear to ear. “I’m your huckleberry. To the death? To the pain?” She added, practically purring out the last word.

“That shan’t be necessary,” Star Swirl said. “I needn’t destroy you completely to establish my superiority.”

Sunset frowned slightly. “Oh… So, if we’re not wagering our lives, then what?”

“If you best me completely, humiliate me completely in front of the ponies here, then I shall allow you to be leader of the pillars.”

Sunset’s eyes lit up. “I accept!”

“WHAT?!” Twilight said. “That’s crazy! At the very least we need to see if the Pillar’s agr—”

Flash Magnus’s wing shot up. “All Pillars in favor of this wager say ‘Aye’!”

“Aye!” came a chorus from the Pillars present including Flash Magnus himself.

“Opposed?”

Crickets.

“The ayes have it!”

Star Swirl gave Susnet the barest hints of a smile. “See, so confident in my abilities are my comrades, they immediately agree to my terms.

Sunset’s turquoise irises made a rotation around her eye sockets. “I’m sure that must be it,” she replied dryly.

Star Swirl continued. “And if you lose you’ll never grace my sight again!”

Sunset grinned wickedly. “Oh, you so have a deal!”

Starlight chuckled and shook her head. “Boy, did he word that wrong! All Sunset has to do is boil the eyes out of his face and she can technically win for losing!”

“Oh my goodness…” Sunburst uttered in a concerned tone.

“Starlight!” Twilight chastised, realizing she may have to say that quite a few more times that day.

“What?” Starlight protested. “Just look at her face! You know she’s thinking it.”

Twilight turned, her amethyst eyes going wide. With the crazed smile on her face, Sunset very much looked like she was playing for keeps, and one glance at Star Swirl’s determined face showed he was likewise just as serious.

“Alright, back it up, ponies,” Sunset said. “Give us some space.”

The ponies in the study complied, backing off to the far walls and shelves of the room as Star Swirl and Sunset began circling, each stepping in a clockwise fashion as they kept their eyes on the other. Their horns lit up, crimson Vs. white, each glow floating lazily at first from the owner’s horns before they slowly built in intensity.

Resolute steel blue eyes maintained focus on turquoise orbs of fury as each mage seemingly built their power for whatever attack might come next while preparing to defend themselves as necessary. Neither blinked nor wavered. There was no hint that either took the current proceedings as anything less than serious. If either would settle for anything less than complete victory, that fact could not be seen from the way each combatant carried themselves.

Star Swirl began to chant, causing Twilight and Sunburst to let out quiet shrieks of pure dread.

“Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows, buried in the stream of time is where your power grows. I pledge myself to conquer all the foes who stand before the mighty gift bestowed in my unworthy hands. Let the fools who stand before me be destroyed by the power you and I pos—”

‘SLAP!’

Another scroll was brought across Star Swirl’s face, interrupting his chant as his face was roughly smacked to the left. He turned and glared angrily at Sunset. “You DARE interrupt a wizard’s spell?!”

Another scroll summoned, and another swat occurred, much to Star Swirl’s annoyance.

Star Swirl grit his teeth and a dim white barrier appeared which warded off the next couple attacks. He began chanting once more, all while scrolls slapped at the outsides of his barrier to the sound of paper attempting to batter down an object constructed out of thick, thick glass. Star Swirl closed his eyes and when he opened them they were blazing pure, bright white. “Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows” —

“How about some current events?!” Sunset cried, as her magic glowed all the brighter as she summoned a newspaper from a red cylindrical portal this time.

Star Swirl’s horn began to blaze with blinding white light. —“ buried in the stream of time is where your power grows.” —

“This newspaper of mine glows with awesome power!” Sunset exclaimed as she held the paper upright in front of her, it seemingly bursting with magical energy to the point that it looked like it was alight with scarlet fire.

White light seemed to surround Star Swirl, filling his barrier with pure magical energy— “I pledge myself to conquer all the foes who stand”—

Sunset’s paper glowed all the brighter, it’s flames climbing up to the ceiling of Twilight’s study. “It’s burning grip tells me to defeat you!”

The ponies present and Spike shielded their eyes, Star Swirl’s awesome energy becoming a near blinding brightness.— “ before the mighty gift bestowed”—

Sunset swung the paper behind her. “TAKE THIS! MY LOVE, MY ANGER—”

— “in my unworthy hands. Let the fools” —

“—AND ALL OF MY SORROW!

— “who stand before me be”—

“SHINING PERIODICAL!”

Destroyed. DRAGON SLA” —

Sunset swung her blazing paper and it tore through Star Swirl’s white shield as if it were merely mist, the paper smashing across his cheek as he finished of the final syllables of “SLAVE” His spell went wide and shot upwards, obliterating a sizable chunk of Twilight’s wall, ceiling, and all the castle in between the study and the outside in a blaze of explosive white energy.

As crystal shards rained upon the study, Star Swirl smashed a forehoof on the ground, steadying himself. This could not be. He was STAR SWIRL the BEARDED! The mightiest wizard who had ever been or would be! This upstart would pay for her insolence, no matter what the cost!

Sunset summoned another paper, this one notably larger than the others in terms of girth. “AND HERE’S THE SUNDAY EDITION!” Sunset screamed as she launched it at Star Swirl like a missile. “IT’S EEEEEXTRAAAA THIIIICCCC!”

Star Swirl blasted the paper head on, his powerful blast of pure white magical energy dousing the scarlet field of Sunset’s magic and eating away at the layers of paper. However, those extra layers proved to be Star Swirl’s undoing, as the disintegrating mass of the paper still caught him on the right cheek and sent him reeling.

He caught himself once more and instinctively put up a barrier. Destiny… he thought as he tried to push himself back up to his full height. You cannot… destroy… my… DESTInnnyeEEEEeee…

Another paper hit home, shattering his barrier and catching him on the right foreleg, and then another on his left. His legs paper-cut out from under him he tumbled forward and hit the crystal ground hard.

Star Swirl’s eyes snapped opened and he searched for his opponent, but she could not be seen. A wall of cylinders stood before him, occupying everything he saw with a crimson haze around white and tan-white parchment dotted with black ink.

Star Swirl closed his eyes and put up his best shield. There was simply nothing else to be done.

And then another paper fell on him, and then another. A rain, a storm, a hurricane, A FLOOD! Star Swirl was buried under papers and scrolls that weighed down on him with all the force of a furious alicorn who was lifting the weight and pain of multiple words from her shoulders and dropping it atop the unicorn wizard all at once.

“SUNSET! THAT’S ENOUGH!” Twilight exclaimed as the papers continued to be pulled into the reality and dropped unceremoniously on an ever growing pile.

“Hahahahah! Is it though~?!” Sunset warbled. “EVEN WORKING FROM BOTH ENDS I’M BARELY A HUNDRED YEARS IN!”

“STOP!” Twilight bellowed. “MY POOR CASTLE CAN’T TAKE MUCH MORE!”

With what seemed like a monumental effort and a deep breath to match, Sunset’s blazing scarlet horn ebbed to a dull glow. She took another breath and let it out, and then another. Slowly the sharpened senses of one in battle left her and she felt herself returning to a normal feeling of frustration and anger at current events.

Sunburst and Starlight looked over the scrolls and papers in interest, Sunburst picking up one of these scrolls in a sunlight shining glow and unraveling it. He gasped. “This really looks to be from 1,000 years ago! How is that possible?”

Sunset shrugged. “Well, Star Swirl may not have been good for much other than magic, but his time spell certainly is of use.”

Starlight’s face lit up as Twilight let out a soft cry of terror. “You messed with time?! DO NOT BUCK WITH TIME!”

“Relax, Princess!” Sunset soothed as she trotted through the mess of scrolls and paper, wading through the shallows of it. “The spell temporarily pulls the scrolls and paper from their place in history. They bounce back to their original times in a few hours, their molecules even reassembling back to whatever they were before they were used, gently or otherwise, here.”

Twilight gave Sunset an unsure look. “Okay, but pulling that much matter across time and space has to do some damage!”

Sunset shrugged. “Some metaphysical tears that don’t seem to have a measurable effect on our plane of existence. Nothing to worry about…”

-ooo-

Discord let out a disgruntled grunt as he threw the mattress off of his body and stepped out of his covers, placing his cloven goats foot and dragon foot into a pair of bunny slippers that let out tiny screams of surprise and pain as he did. He pulled a pink bathrobe that was floating upwards off a hook and put it on, the robe still upside down and pointing ‘up’ relative to Discord’s slippers.

Cascading light of all colors, including ones of inconceivable shades of bleens and glurples flooded onto his uneven white ‘floor’ that was covered in flecks of white bits that shifted under his still screaming slippers as he groggily made himself to an open window where a sound of otherworldly humming accompanied the impossible light show.

Discord reached down and pulled up the window closed, before he likewise pulled up on a cord that was likewise pointed upwards and the windows butter-yellow window shades with pink trim flew upwards over the window.

Then Discord pivoted and put his shoulder through the shades, glass, and wood, plowing through the window and landing on his back, his face pointed upwards at an anomaly blasting him with noise, color, and who-knows-what previously undiscovered forces that would probably liquify his organs and give him a straight royal flush of all the tumors if such things mattered to him.

“Just great!” Discord exclaimed as he tossed up his eagle talon and lion paw up in the air as his bunny slippers and robes caught rainbow fire and burnt off his body. “Now I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn!” A small tear trickled out of Discord’s ducts and down to the grass below which was slowly liquefying into a green goo. “It’s beautiful.”

-ooo-

“HEY! YOU OLD DINGBAT!” Sunset screamed at the pile of scrolls and paper. “You surrender?! From here it doesn’t look like you have much dignity left!”

A muffled shout came out from the pile. “You’ve only succeeded in giving me a Fortress of Knowledge, whelp!”

An icepick smile appeared on Sunset’s face as her head tilted upwards with her lips. “Have it your way!” she said as her horn began to burn crimson.

A burnt orange wing gently pressed on Sunset’s shoulder. “Perhaps you should take a raincheck for now,” suggested Flash Magnus.

Tiny drips of water began to fall into the study causing Twilight to let out a frustrated “Ugh!” as she put up a shield around the room.

“On account of the rain,” Flash Magnus added.

“I’ll get the building repair spell,” Sunburst said as he trotted up to a wall of books and began scanning them.

Sunset turned, irritation clearly written across her face as her magical energy slowly ebbed, though something else caught her eyes. “Hey, Dash! What’s up with the helmet?”

“Oh this?” Rainbow Dash replied as she tapped at the steel helmet with the red plume atop her head. “It’s Flash’s. I put it on because we were doing it.”

“Uh… I see…”

“Like, a bunch-a times!” Rainbow Dash added.

“Verily!” Flash Magnus chirped enthusiastically as she pulled Rainbow Dash into a hug.

“It was AWE-SOME!” the pegasus added.

“Verily!”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “If you two did it, why is Flash still wearing the rest of the armor?”

Flash Magnus let out a boisterous laugh. “Why, she insisted I keep it on, of course!”

Rainbow Dash gave Sunset a slightly embarrassed smile and shrugged her wings.

“Right, of course,” Sunset turned back to the paper and scroll pile as Twilight, Starlight, and Sunburst set about repairing the damaged castle. “Now if you all excuse me, I have a wizard to bake…” She said as shards of crystalline castle floated back into place.

“Now let’s not be hasty!” Flash Magnus said.

“Denied!” Sunset said. “I thrive on being hasty!”

“How about a truce?” Rockhoof suggested as the massive pony waded through the paper piles.

Sunset turned, her eyes narrowing. “That would suggest some level of willing to be civil with that old bastard, so, no… No, I don’t think so.”

Rockhoof frowned slightly. “A ceasefire, then?”

With a terse glare, a quick flare of scarlet magic from her horn, and a ‘fwoosh!’ the heap of displaced scrolls caught fire and there was an alarmed yelp from the pony inside before Star Swirl burst forth from the pile, sending burning scrolls and newspapers in every which direction. “The Fortress of Knowledge is compromised! The Fortress of Knowledge is compromised!” He quickly ran from the study, Sunburst seemingly the only one not too busy and who either cared enough or was sober enough to follow him with intent to help.

Spike smiled contently to himself. “Man, I made a gooood decision today.”

“Hah!” Starlight exclaimed as the electric blue glow from her horn faded. “Look at ‘em run!”

“Sunset!” Twilight chastised urgently as the magenta glow of her own horn faded away.

Sunset rolled her eyes. “What? It’s not like I set him on fire! Though, it was very tempting.”

“Yes, that,” Rockhoof said as he pointed towards the scroll fire. “I think it’s best we have less of that!”

“I DISAGREE!” Sunset shouted as Twilight glared at the building flames, a white spray of fire-retardant chemical ejecting from a small magenta portal she summoned directly over the fire.

Twilight turned. “Sunset, please!” she pleaded. “You’re kinda impeding an attempt to save Equestria from a major threat.”

“Am I though~?” Sunset warbled out.

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, you, are!”

“Am I, though~?” Sunset asked again, raising the pitch of her voice.

“You know, I don’t think she is,” Spike said.

Twilight groaned. “Spike, Sunset, Starlight, everypony! I’m sure you all mean well, but I’m going to ask you leave Star Swirl alone so we can figure out what we need to do to deal with the Pony of Shadows!”

Sunset shrugged, “Have you considered a trail of angry ‘mad at your dad’ records that lead into some deep dark cave and a record player? Maybe a healthy supply of spicy food?”

Spike let out a laugh. “I like this plan!”

“Me, too!” Starlight said

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I mean a permanent solution!”

Sunset smiled. “Maybe he’ll be so consumed by the darkness of the cave and sad music he’ll decide he likes it and stay there forever!” Her smile widened. We can just, you know… Put up a sign that warns ponies to keep away!”

Twilight frowned heavily. “I see what you’re doing Sunset, and I don’t approve!”

“Don’t you, though~?”

“Stop that!” Twilight barked.

Spike smirked. “You gotta admit, she has Star Swirl’s number…”

“Uh… What is she doing, exactly?” Starlight asked as she looked between the two ponies and one dragon quizzically.

Sunset gave Twilight a smug smile. “If you don’t tell her, I will.”

Twilight sighed. “Star Swirl may have stumbled upon where Chrysalis originated from. I mean… Apparently the Changelings were sealed in a tree of twisted, putrid evil and he put up a warning for ponies.”

Starlight’s forehead creased in confusion. “What like magical barrier or alarm?”

“Hah! No,” Sunset said. “It was just a sign.”

“Like a magical sign?” Starlight replied, clearly having trouble believing the tale.

“No!” Spike insisted as he stifled a sigh. “It was just a regular sign that read”— Spike waved his claw in front of his if simulating where the words would be –“‘Probably Magic… Do Not Approach!’ Hehehe…. then an abbreviation of his name! Hahahaha!”

Likewise amused by the anecdote, Sunset joined Spike uproarious laughter as the pair hit the floor.

Starlight looked down at the pair, then the doors Star Swirl had left as she mulled over this new bit of information. “You know, if I hadn’t have met Star Swirl, I don’t think I would have believed it, but now…”

Twilight looked down at Spike and Sunset in annoyance, Sunset in particular. “Sunset, I wouldn’t have told you about that story if I knew you were going to use it like this.”

Sunset stifled her laughter and got back to her hooves. “Oh, like it would have made a difference…” she extended a forehoof and helped Spike back up to his feet. “Spike would have mentioned it eventually given Star Swirl is back.”

“I totally would, too!” Spike agreed.

“Well considering the source is Chrysalis herself, it’d hardly call it trustworthy.” Twilight pointed out.

Sunset shrugged. “Sounds more plausible than the story of how he defeated the Dazzlings, at least.”

Twilight gave Sunset a sideways smirk. “You mean that crazy story about the singing competition and rap battle that Sonata Dusk relayed to you?” Twilight shook her head. “That can’t possibly be real.”

Sunset thought about this for a moment. “Uh, hey… Rockhoof, right?”

The mountain of a pony responded, “Aye?”

“You ever fight any sirens? You know… giant flying sea ponies?”

“Ah, the hippocampi? Aye we did, they were the foes that brought us together!”

Sunset frowned. “Did Star Swirl try to defeat them with the power of music? You know… Maybe break out a lute or a banjo? Even show off his rhyming skills with, uh… technology unheard of the time?”

“What?! Nay!” Rockhoof answered. “That just sounds like madness!”

Twilight smirked at Sunset.

“Oh right, yeah…” Sunset admitted as she rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. “Truth be told it sounded stupider just leaving my lips…”

Twilight shook her head. “Can’t believe you’d even humor such a crazy story from Sonata.”

“Okay!” Sunset threw her forehooves up in the air. “So maybe I wanted such a ridiculous story to be right, can you blame me?!”

Twilight tilted her head slightly. “Don’t you think that suggests there might be some personal bias in regards to how you feel about Star Swirl?”

“Yes, Twilight,” Sunset said as she narrowed her eyes. “I personally feel enraged regarding how he treated my Mom when she was just a filly.” Sunset’s tone began to pick up in both volume and anger as she continued. “I personally feel enraged his solution to the Dazzlings was to dump them on some other world where he maybe thought they’d be ‘less of a problem’ if he thought at all. I personally feel enraged for how he’s treated my friends today, including you! Shall I continue, Twilight?!”

“Okay, okay!” Twilight said as she reared back on her haunches and held up her forehooves up defensively. “I’ll admit that you have several perfectly valid reasons for being upset with Star Swirl! Just… don’t kill him and keep your maiming to a minimum if you must at all, please! We need him if we’re going to do something about the Pony of Shadows.” Twilight sighed heavily. “Because it’s not like most of my friends are being all that helpful…” she muttered in an irritated tone.

“Yeah, or allowed to help!” Sunset quipped as she pointed towards Starlight, to the unicorns great approval. “The only reason Star Swirl is being put up with at all is because the PoS doesn’t have a body count unless playing Drowning Pool at at a loud volume counts!”

Twilight closed her eyes, inhaled deeply through her nose, and let out the breath the same way. “Sorry, Sunset, but I really need you to give Star Swirl some space.”

“Fine…” Sunset growled out. “But only if he keeps his distance from me too and, you know, lays off on the spells designed to vaporize me!”

Twilight rubbed the back of her head. “Okay, he may have taken it a little far.”

“A LITTLE?!” Sunset bellowed. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out as a snort. She pointed out into an unoccupied portion of the room. “If anyone needs me, I’m going to be rage pacing over there until I’ve calmed down enough to engage in conversation!”

With that, Sunset stormed off.

Groaning herself, Twilight trotted over to a collection of books on a table and began pouring over them, her vision focusing on one.

With Sunset off pacing back and forth and Twilight back to working, the other ponies present looked about the two alicorns and seemingly thought of what to do next.

Applejack looked about the collection of mares, stallions, and small dragon. “Ya think someone should say something?”

Rockhoof looked down at Applejack. “You are the Element of Honesty, are you not? Perhaps your honest observation of the matter will help soothe tensions.”

“Oh, good idea!” Applejack trotted up to Twilight. “Twilight?” she called out.

“Yes, Applejack?” Twilight replied, turning.

“Ah can honestly say that Star Swirl the bearded is the worst pony I have ever known and that, as your friend, Ah both love and support you, but Ah can’t even fathom why you think helping that ol’ coot with this is a good idea.”

Twilight sighed. “Look, I understand it can be hard to see, but Star Swirl—”

“Ah mean, from my perspective this is the worst decision you’ve ever made… Like… Worse than that whole hoopla with the want-it-need it, spell.”

Twilight’s face contorted into an angry frown as she turned and swatted at the air behind her dismissively with a forehoof. “Gee, thanks. Can you leave me alone for a bit? I’ve got work to do.”

“I reckon I can…” Applejack said as she turned and trotted back to the group. “It’s no good!” She shook her head. “She’s jus’ not listening to reason right now.”

“Hmmm…” Rockhoof thought about this for a moment. “Best not tell Star Swirl that. It’d only lend credence his current opinion of the mare.”

“Ugh, yeah… Buck that noise,” Applejack said.

Flash Magnus looked at the female companion his wing was wrapped around. “Aren’t you the Element of Loyalty?!” He asked Rainbow Dash. “Doesn’t that dictate you should at least support your friend’s decision to work with Star Swirl?”

“Uh, no?” Rainbow Dash fired back. “I mean, I love Twilight, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to encourage her to put up with that loudmouth! I think that would make me a worse friend.”

Flash Magnus frowned. “Certainly, you should try helping her somehow?”

Rainbow Dash pursed her lips into a frown. “Yo, Twilight!” she shouted out.

“Kinda busy here, Rainbow!” Twilight called back.

“Star Swirl sucks,” Rainbow Dash said, “you should stop being an idiot and stop listening to him!”

Twilight replied with an annoyed sigh. “Thanks, Rainbow Dash,” she said sarcastically.

“No problem!” She turned back to Flash Magnus. “There! Now nopony can say I didn’t try!”

Flash Magnus seemed to consider this for a moment, shrugged, and replied with an “Indeed!”

“Perhaps a different approach?” Somnambula suggested as she motioned with her head towards Sunset.

“Er…. Sunset looks pretty, er… peeved…” Fluttershy said,

Pinkie gasped. “Such language, Fluttershy!”

Meadowbrook nodded. “Oh, she’s pissed alright,” she said in a gentle tone.

Pinkie and Fluttershy both froze in place, there eyes staring at Meadowbrook in surprise.

Meadowbrook continued, “but perhaps Ah can help soothe her anger!”

“Good luck, Sister!” Somnambula cheered. “I shall join you momentarily.” She looked down. “Just as soon as I feel I can get there without having to crawl across these scrolls.”

Meadowbrook trotted up to Sunset and cleared her throat, earning a glare which softened once Sunset noted who had approached her. “Forgive him,” Meadowbrook said.

“No, never,” Sunset replied bluntly.

Meadowbrook’s gentle smile only increased. “Look, Ah know that Star Swirl is an insufferable braggart,” she said as Star Swirl marched back into the room in a huff, Sunburst close behind him.

Sunset followed the old wizard with her eyes, saying nothing as she noted Star Swirl only glanced up once to take note of her position then refused to make eye contact with her. “…”

Meadowbrook merely stood in place, saying nothing but only smiling. “…”

Sunset’s infuriated eyes snapped back towards Meadowbrook. “…Yes?! And?!”

“Oh… er…!” Meadowbrook shook her head. “Apologies, Ah, um… Ah have no follow-up.”

Sunset’s face contorted in frustrated confusion. “So, you request that I should forgive him is based on…?”

Meadowbrook glanced upwards into her eyelids as if searching for an answer. “Uh, Fluttershy, my friend? Do you have an ans—”

“No,” Fluttershy interrupted bluntly as she trotted up. “Star Swirl is horrible and I refuse to spend energy that suggests otherwise.”

Meadowbrook frowned. “Aww… But are you not the Element of Kindness?”

Fluttershy’s face tightened. “That doesn’t mean every pony is deserving of that kindness!” Her teal eyes drifting up to the left seemingly causing her head to tilt to the right. “I mean, er… Maybe that’s also an important aspect of kindness? Sometimes you have to know when to stop being kind and be firm instead. It’s tricky though, because if you’re too firm you just end up being mean... But sometimes you have to be mean, too...”

Her gaze turned back to Sunset, and she gave her a little shrug “I think Applejack’s right regarding our elements… and also, er, maybe I’m getting some new magical powers too from this realization?”

Sunset let out a chuckle. “If only. Digging this more assertive you, by the way.”

“STOP TOUCHING THOSE BOOKS! I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO PLACE YOUR FILTHY MARE HOOVES AND MAGIC ON THEM!”

The group glanced over to see Star Swirl, once again, berating a shirking Twilight.

Fluttershy turned towards Sunset. “I have a good reason today.”

Meadowbrook frown slightly. “Er… Certainly you’ve had to look past some pony’s shortcomings before?”

“Yes, Discord,” Fluttershy answered.

Meadowbrook took a second to collect her jaw from the floor. “You can’t mean the Lord of Chaos!”

Fluttershy nodded. “Yes. That’s him.”

Meadowbrook glanced at Star Swirl as he loudly and foully detailed to Twilight which books she was allowed and not allowed to touch without consulting him first, then back towards Fluttershy. “If you can find the good in a beast like Discord, certainly you can find it in noble pony like Star Swirl.”

As Fluttershy put on a thoughtful expression, Sunset gave her a curious glance as if she was eagerly awaiting to hear the mare’s response. She didn’t have to wait long. “Discord’s problem is that he didn’t really think about ponies other than himself. Star Swirl seems to only be able to think about himself!”

Meadowbrook gasped. “But Star Swirl has saved many a pony!” she countered. “Discord is a trickster who could bring Equestria to ruin!”

“Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie exclaimed. “And he’s almost done it! Like, three times now!” Pinkie cheered as pronked up to the group, Somnambula cheerily following as she swam across the scroll and paper laden floor with both legs and wings.

“Not helping, Pinkie,” Sunset uttered in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Oh, it’s fine,” Fluttershy said. “I know Discord has done bad stuff and that he’s still not the greatest friend in the world, but at least there was always an element of whimsy to what he was doing when he wasn’t attacking us directly…”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Discord’s shenanigans are cheeky and fun!”

Fluttershy nodded. “Yeah, and Star Swirl’s shenanigans are cruel and tragic.”

Sunset tapped at her chin for a moment. “Which… makes them not shenanigans at all, really.”

Somnambula laughed to herself as she stood up. “Evil shenanigans!”

Meadowbrook flashed a beseeching smile at Somnambula. “Somnambula, perhaps you can find something nice to say about Star Swirl for our new friends.”

Somnambula glanced over at the wizard in question, who was now bobbing so angrily as he dressed down Twilight for the horrible crime of ‘book touching’ that the sound of jangling bells had joined the shouting. “I find the sound his bells make appealing and enjoy his sense of fashion, albeit in a somewhat disingenuous way.”

“Er, ironic?” Fluttershy suggested. “If Rarity were here she’d say the way you like Star Swirl’s fashion is just a little bit ironic.” She turned towards Pinkie. “Don’t you think?”

Pinkie smiled widely. “Just a little too ironic, and yeah I really do think!”

Meadowbrook’s eyelids dropped slightly. “Ah meant beyond the clothes he likes to wear…”

“Hrmmm,” Somnambula dwelt on this for a moment. “Oh! I find he’s easy to get a rise out of him and in addition to the near constant stupor I find myself in when dealing with the old coot, that makes life with him somewhat more tolerable.”

Meadowbrook motioned to Somnambula with both forelegs with a genuine smile that made a ‘squee’; sound as if the mare had, in fact, mentioned a positive aspect of Star Swirl’s personality.

Sunset and Fluttershy exchanged confused glances. Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Do you… Do you actually think that sounds like a redeeming quality of Star Swirl?”

Meadowbrook frowned slightly. “In my defense, Ah’m quite drunk!”

Somnambula laughed. “Indeed, she is! Watch this!” Somnambula gently pushed Meadowbrook on the side and the earth pony immediately teetered sideways and let out a startled bleat, much to Somnambula’s delight and the other three ponies concern.

“Ah’m fine!” Meadowbrook insisted throwing a foreleg up into the air. “Ah think I’ll just lay down here a bit!”

Pinkie looked at the other mares present and shrugged. “I thought the bell thing was a good point…” Her face tightened. “Just not enough to justify all the mean-big-meanie jerk-assy-McGee Star Swirl is!” Pinkie motioned out towards Star Swirl who trotted away in a huff from Twilight, a collection of books in the white glow of his magic. Twilight stared down at the single book she had in front of her, clearly trying to concentrate on it through the tears in her eyes.

Somnambula looked over at Twilight, noting the mare was in low spirits. She turned towards Pinkie. “You are the element of laughter correct? Perhaps you can cheer up your friend! Make light of Star Swirl’s form of dress and comically large beard, perhaps!”

Pinkie blinked at Somnambula in confusion for a moment. “You want me to make fun of Star Swirl’s looks as a way to make up for the fact that he yells at her and constantly puts her down?”

Somnambula smiled and nodded. “Such reminders always make me feel better after he’s yelled at me.”

“Wow, okay… Er…” Pinkie shook her head and offered Somnambula a sheepish smile. “Somehow I don’t think that’s going to make Twilight feel better… Plus, like… I think that kinda trivializes just how horrible Star Swirl is?” Pinkie shrugged. “Really, if anything will make Twilight feel better it’s this… Hey, Twilight!” Pinkie called out.

Twilight sniffled and rubbed a foreleg under her muzzle before turning. “Yes, Pinkie?”

“Star Swirl is a big wrinkly stick of grade ‘jerk’ jerky and you’ll feel better once you come to your senses and stop listening to him!”

Twilight’s face tightened. “Thanks, Pinkie…” she said in a clearly annoyed voice before she went back to staring at her book.

Pinkie shrugged and turned back to the group. “Well, it was worth a shot!”

Fluttershy placed a forehoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Let me go talk to her,” she said before she quietly trotted up to Twilight. “Uh… Twilight?”

Twilight took a deep breath and let it out. “Yes, Fluttershy?”

“You know we all love and care about you, right?”

Twilight took another deep breath and exhaled, seeming to relax somewhat. “Yes, Fluttershy, I know. I know everypony means well.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Good, then know that it’s with love and care in my heart when I say that Star Swirl really is just a mean ol’ pony who bullies others to feel better about himself.”

Twilight pursed her lips slightly. “Well… he is one of Equestria’s most powerful wizards to have ever lived. I mean, he at least knows what he’s talking about when it comes to magic.”

Fluttershy smiled. “Okay, but that doesn’t mean he’s right about things other than magic.”

Twilight let out a sigh. “Yeah, I know…”

Fluttershy’s smiled widened as she put a comforting forehoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “You’re a wonderful pony, Twilight.”

Twilight gave Fluttershy a small smile. “Thanks, Fluttershy. That does make me feel better.”

Fluttershy nodded. “And even wonderful ponies can make dumb mistakes from time to time like listening to mean ol’ bully ponies.”

The smile suddenly fell from Twilight’s face, replaced by a tightness in her lips as well as her forehead. “Thanks, again, Fluttershy.”

“You’re welcome, Twilight,” Fluttershy said with a wide ‘squee’ of a smile.

Twilight turned back to her book. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I really have more work to do.”

Fluttershy frowned and retracted her forehoof. “Oh… okay…” she said in a disappointed tone as she trudged back to the other ponies.

“Well?!” Pinkie asked expectedly.

Fluttershy shook her head. “I thought I was getting through to her, but she just sort of retreated back to her book right at the end!”

Sunset grunted in annoyance. “Well, I still got a head full of insane anger steem going, so we’re going to need—”

Mistmane and Rarity suddenly stumbled into the room, nearly both careening to the floor, forelegs draped across the other’s shoulders as the stumbled on rolled up papers.

“Star Swirl, friend!” Mistmane called out.

“I DESPISE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, YOU MISERABLE OLD HAG!”

“Good news!” Mistmane continued as if she had not just been insulted. “This one can make you new hats and capes!”

Rarity tittered. “Indeed! I was thinking a new line of fashion! Something a la homeless! Really bring forth the look of refuse for garbage ponies like yourself!”

Fluttershy thought about this for a moment. “But… but didn’t the fashion designer Mugatu already do that?”

Rarity laughed. “Yes, but Derelicte is so much rubbish!”

“It is literally trash that you wear, Rarity,” Fluttershy pointed out.

Mistmare and Rarity stumbled up to Star Swirl. “My new line would be Hobo Très Chic! Really capturing the glamor of covering oneself in refuse and soiled blankets!”

“Ugh! Get this one out of my sight!” Star Swirl demanded. “She smells like a winery! Just like my useless pillars!”

Rarity glared at Star Swirl. “Well, you, sssir… You smell like… like goat…”

“Cease your prattling on about my goat less I banish you to the coldest corner of Tartarus with the giant toothed fur beast!”

“Oh, interesting!” Sunburst said. “How many teeth does that creature have?”

Star Swirl looked at Sunburst in slight confusion. “Just the one, lad, though aside from it’s fur, that’s its entire body.”

“Oh, how fascinating,” Sunburst said in earnest.

“Oh YEASSh, Mr. Sswirlss!” Rarity continued. “When my friend Twilight finally ssstarrtsss to be sssenssible oncesss more”—

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh.

— “Well, you can just choke on your own goat bea—”

“Uh, Rarity?” Spike said as he walked up to the clearly white-mare wasted unicorn and placed a hand on her side. “Maybe you should lay down for a bit…”

Rarity gasped. “Ssspike, how incredibly forward and bold of you!”

“Uh… What? No! I mean, just meant—”

Rarity leaned down and cupped her hoof to her muzzle next to Spike’s ear and whispered out in a sultry voice: “I like it…” as an azure glow of her horn moved Spike’s claw onto her chest.

Spike emerald eyes suddenly shot open wide as the Rarity’s magic forced his claw in a circular petting motion. “Uh… huh?”

Rarity tittered. “Perhaps it’s time I learn more of this demipenis you possess.”

Twilight’s eye ticked in irritation at this suggestion. “Hey, just a minute here!”

Spike shot Twilight a shocked, pleading look. “Twilight, if I could ask you to be not be responsible regarding me just once—”

“Hemipenis,” Twilight corrected. “Spike has a hemipenis or technically hemipenes.” She shook her head. “‘Demi’ means ‘half’ and that’s not correct at all. It’s more like Spike has four times as much penis as that.”

Spike’s face contorted in confusion. “… That is the weirdest semi or demi compliment I’ve ever gotten.”

“Well whatever he has, darling!” Rarity leaned her head on Spike’s shoulder as she looked at Twilight. “I hear he has two of them!”

“Yes, that’s what hemipenes, means,” Twilight replied dryly.

Rarity giggled. “Well, whatever… I wanna ssseee them!” Rarity’s voice dropped to a not particularly great attempt at a whisper. “And do thingss to them!” Rarity tittered, “Oh, my! Doess that ssound unladylike?”

“Guys?” Spike called out. “For the record, I’m clenching my thighs together as hard as I possibly can and have some very pertinent questions about consent.”

Rarity gasped and pulled back from. “You’re right Sspike!”

“Uh… Am I?” Spike asked. “You know, I think I’m okay with being wrong just this once!”

“We sshall conssult the wissesst pony here!”

“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO TO THAT MONSTROSITY OR WHAT IT DOES TO YOU!” Screamed Star Swirl. “JUST BEGONE FROM THIS ROOM LEST I MAKE YOU BEGONE FROM THIS WORLD!”

“Not you!” Rarity exclaimed. Rarity turned to her right, finding only open space, then turned to her left. “Misstmane! The wissesst pony to have every lived! Misstmane, darling, dearisst!”

“Oh yess, Rarity?” Mistmane replied with bright if somewhat unfocused eyes.

“I’m conssidering bedding down with my good friend Sspike here? What say you.”

Starlight winced. “Ouch, Spike that—”

“That was a confusing sentence for me, yeah!” Spike said hastily. “Still a ‘net positive’ as far as I’m concerned.”

“I ssee… Rarity, may I have a moment.” Mistmane made a quick motion with her head to suggest Rarity and her trot away for a moment.

Rarity’s eyes focused slightly and her mouth pursed in concern. “Uh, of course, darling…”

Spike grit his teeth as frustration did a merry little jig across his face.

Mistmane lowered her head and spoke in a tone not nearly quiet enough to prevent anypony else from listening in. “Now bedding down with a creature not of your sspecies iss not a decission to be made lightly.”

“Er, of course, dear…”

“Rarity, how well do you know Sspike?”

“Oh, well he’s one of my closest friends!” Rarity frowned. “Do you think I was a tad hasty in my suggestion?”

“That remainss to be sseen… So you trusst him, then?”

“Well, with my life!” Rarity said. “In fact, he’s saved me on more than a single occasion.”

Mistmare nodded. “That is a fact worth considering. Again, bedding down with any creature not of your ilk, is not a decission one should blunder into.”

“I… I think I understand,” Rarity said. “Perhaps just a bit of rest and—”

“Now that you understand that,” Mistmare said, “by all means, take Sspike into some far off private room and let him rock your world and your limited pony perceptionss of ssexuality.”

“Hah!” Flash Magnus exclaimed, shaking his head. “As if the outcome of that conversation was ever in doubt!”

“Oh my…” Fluttershy uttered as Starlight and Sunburst’s cheeks flushed crimson. Such sentiment was echoed from Meadowbrook, but it was punctuated with a giggle.

“Whoo! Go Spike!” Pinkie cheered.

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash likewise cheered, thrusting a forehoof in the air. “Pop that… those cherries!”

Applejack simply boggled vacantly at the shenanigans unfolding in front of her. “Ah’m unsure what to do, if anythin’ ‘bout the thing Ah’m seeing.”

Rockhoof offered Applejack a bunch of grapes. “Eat, drink, and be merry?”

Applejack quickly accepted the bunch. “Aye,” she answered simply.

Sunset said nothing, instead opting to observe the events with curious interest.

“Can you guys just take it somewhere else, please?” Twilight asked. “I’m trying to concentrate here!” she growled out.

“Erm.. Well…” Rarity said, her azure eyes darting one way than the other. “I suppose now I’m a tad on the fence regarding—”

Mistmare lowered her muzzle down to one of Rarity’s ears. “Hemipenes…” she whispered. Rarity’s eyes widened as Mistmane continued. “And dragons have a tongue length that can be measured in cubits.”

Rarity’s mind raced for all of a few seconds before she warbled out a “ SssspiIiIiIIiIikeEeeEeEeEe-WiIiIikEeEeEeEe…”

With a demigod-level of effort Spike’s emerald eyes scanned the room, falling upon a certain burnt-orange alicorn. “Uh, Sunset?”

“Wow. Flattered. But I’m not that curious!”

“Huh… Oh… er… No… Just, you seem to be the only pony here not completely smashed out of their gourd, disinterested, or completely out of touch with reality.”

“WHY IS THE DEMON SPAWN AND STRUMPET STILL HERE?!” Screamed Star Swirl.

“See?” Spike said as he motioned to Star Swirl.

Her cheeks slightly pink, Sunset nodded. “Got it. What do you need?”

“Moral advice.”

“My track record there is dubious at best,” Sunset replied. “Shoot.”

“Er… Should I take Rarity to her guest room and take her in a dragonly fashion—”

“Yess. Yess you sshould,” both Rarity and Mistmane said an eerie drunken stereo.

Spike closed his eyes inhaled deeply, and continued, “—or should I be some sort of bigger dragon about this and not take advantage of an obviously sloshed mare?”

“No. No you sshouldn’t,” both Rarity and Mistmare answered.

Sunset pursed her lips into a tight frown. “Uh… wow…” She trotted forward. “Spike, I’m not altogether comfortable with potentially being your double-cock blocker, regardless of if it’s the right thing to do, or not.”

“C’mon!” Spike pleaded. “I’m really need a shoulder angel here! Shoulder demon Spike kinda ate shoulder angel Spike whole and is now some sort of four-winged monstrosity that’s just laughing and laughing along to ominous orchestra music.”

Pinkie trotted up to Sunset and whispered into her ear, “It’s really terrifying-looking and the music is super-spooky!”

Spike glanced up at Pinkie. “I’d question how you can see him too, but well… You’re Pinkie Pie.”

“Yes, totally!” Pinkie said with a nod. “Totally the Pinkie from Equestria as well and not the one from Canterlot High!” she added with an incredibly wide, lopsided smile.

“Just… All the worry… All of it,” Sunset said as she lifted a forehoof and waved it in a circular motion in front of her face. “All the worry located in this general area right now.”

“C’mone, Sunset!” Spike pleaded, cupping his claws together. “I need your help! The pressure is getting critical in between my legs and it’s not like I’m wearing anything that’ll prevent everypony from being coated in my Spike Special Blend!”

Sunset’s features tightened and Pinkie let out a giggle. “Wow, okay…” Sunset said. “Just going to power on past that one…”

With a ‘poof’ on Sunset’s left shoulder and a startled “Ah!” from Pinkie as the mare backed up a scootch, a leathery winged, light-red bipedal creature with long, fiery hair that went straight up and solid turquoise pupils set in pitch black sclera wearing an alternating yellow and red dress with a black midsection smiled demonically. “Tell him to take her!” IT spoke in a vaguely echoing voice. “Take her hard! In all the holes!”

Her frown deepening, another bipedal creature ‘poofed’ into existence on Sunset’s right shoulder. This one was orange with Sunset’s same turquoise eyes and sported wings that looked to be crafted out of pure golden light and a single horn that sprung forth in pure bright light before ending in a point about a half meter from her forehead. She wore a pink dress with an off-white-blue skirt layered above a white one that went halfway down her thighs. “No. Tell the boy he should abstain at least until the mare has shaken off the sophomoric effects of alcohol and comes to her senses!”

“Oooh sploosh,” Demon Set warbled as she pointed toward Spikes' shoulders, “check out the multi-winged eye candy.”

Angel Set glance toward the ominous music and cackling. No words came out, but there was an odd purr, and an awful lot of drool.

Both shoulder entities turned to face Sunset. “Do you have his number?” they asked in unison.

Sunset grit her teeth. You two are no help at all. If I needed a binary representation to a somewhat complex issue, I’d have actually asked you two. But since I DIDN’T… “Don’t worry.” Sunset said. “I have a cheat mode solution that will wrap up this otherwise multifaceted and frustrating social issue in a jiffy.” Sunset trotted up to Rarity. “Hey, Rarity. I’m going to go all Catholic Priest blessing on your forehead.”

“I have no idea what that means, dear,” Rarity replied.

“It means I’m going to put my forehoof on your forehead and a buncha magic stuff is going to go down. You okay with that?”

“Oh… Uh… Go ahead, darling.”

Sunset pressed her forehoof against Rarity’s forehead and immediately she was bombarded by a flash of images, the vast, vast majority of them involving Rarity in a number of compromising positions as the white mare let out numerous moans of pleasure.

Sunset retracted her forehoof. “Oh… Oh my…” Sunset uttered.

“Er… Yes, darling?” Rarity replied.

“Yes, Sunset?” Spike said, with a rather obvious degree of enthusiasm.

“Just a second…” Sunset’s horn glowed scarlet once more and a strange, similarly color haze danced about Rarity’s head for a second. Suddenly, her azure eyes snapped into focus, looking at Spike like a starving mare might look at at a delectable meal of greens and flowers that were covered in oats in a tasty red-wine based balsamic vinaigrette.

“Uh. Is she okay?” Spike asked.

“Fine!” Sunset said with a smile. “I just cleared out the alcohol from her system so this whole torrid affair is far less uncomfortable for everypony.” Sunset looked over Rarity and Spike in turn. “You two go have fun! Just, get whatever it is you need to get out of your system out of you… And consider your lingering concerns solved via convenient magic and mind reading powers! Just go nuts! But do it somewhere else.”

Spike’s face lit up like it had never lit up before. “Thanks, Sunse—”

“Thank you, Sunset!” Rarity said quickly as Spike was suddenly taken up in an azure blue glow and the dragon whisked out of the room as Rarity bolted out of the room.

Mistmare shook her head and chuckled to herself. “That poor mare…”

A series of concerned looks jolted onto many of the ponies present.

“If ya thought that was a bad idea why’d you let Rarity go?!” Applejack asked.

“Oh, no that’ss not it…” Mistmare replied, shaking her head, “It’ss a great idea! Buttt that dragon iss going to ruin her for other creaturess… Few if any can compare with the natural advantagess dragon’ss possssess when it comes to pleassing poniess.”

A slightly uncomfortable silence descended upon the group for a moment.

“I’m sickened, but curious,” Sunset’s ‘demon’ professed.

Sunset’s ‘angel’ nodded. “I, too, would like to voice my disgust but also my curiosity.”

“… Touch her!” The demon suggested with a demonic smile.

With an angelic calmness, the angel nodded. “I concur. Take her most unclean thoughts into yourself and see where the journey takes you!”

Pinkie snickered to herself, her eyes clearly focused on Sunset’s supposedly ‘imaginary friends’.

Sunset shook her head as if to clear it and took a few cautionary steps closer towards Mistmane. “Uh, hey… Do you mind if I…?” Sunset extended a forehoof as if that finished the question she was asking.

Mistmane only chuckled and extended her own forehoof. “Oh, go ahead!”

Sunset pressed her own forehoof against Mistmane’s, a flash of almost incomprehensible images and emotions washing over her all condensed to a singular feeling. “Oh… Oh my…”

Mistmane simple chuckled to herself. “Aye?”

“Aye,” Sunset confirmed. She looked amongst the other ponies about her. “Uh, right… I need to go… somewhere… Far, far away from here… No one kill Star Swirl while I’m gone, a’ight?”

“No promises!” Starlight exclaimed.

“Fair,” Sunset replied. “Uh… be back soon,” she replied as her eyes darted back and forth a couple times before she made a mad dash out of the room.

----

A dull gray-blue door with a single window set in its top center suddenly was slammed open as Sunset Shimmer popped her perspiring face into a classroom, her hair clearly a bit more tousled than usual.

A pink skinned woman with two-tone mulberry-lilac hair jumped, nearly dropping the large text book she held in front of her brown sweater-vest over a white blouse. “Sunset!? What’s wrong?!”

“Hey, Miss Cheerilee.” Sunset greeted. Her eyes scanned the classroom. “I need Flash! For, uh… Equestria reasons! Totally true by the way!”

A peach skinned young-man with blue hair coiffed straight up who wore a black leather jacket over a beat up white t-shirt perked up from his book with both interest in concerned.

“Uh… Sure?” Cheerilee responded. “How long is this going to take?”

Sunset’s eyes sprung upwards and rocked back and forth as if searching for an answer. “Uh… Flash is quick and thorough, but this might take multiple sessions.”

A series of surprised chuckles and hoots rose from the class

“… I have no earthly clue what that means,” Cheerilee admitted.

“That’s probably for the best!” Sunset said. “Can I have Flash now?”

“Well… If it’s for Equestria’s sake…”

“I’m sure it is!” Sunset said as she rushed forward and practically ripped Flash Sentry from his desk. Yanking him by the arm, Sunset pulled Flash out the door of the classroom as a gray skinned, wall-eyed blond girl flashed Flash a thumbs up. “Thank you!” Sunset shouted. “I totally respect your committal to teaching of whatever-this-class-is!”

“It’s history of US geography!” Cheerilee shouted out.

“I’m sure that’s relevant to someone who has the limited inspiration of becoming a teacher to teach the exact same subject,” Sunset called out.

“HAH!” a derisive laugh called out.

Cheerilee shot an ice glare out amongst her class, her gaze falling squarely on one, Aria Blaze.

“What?” Aria replied as she motioned towards the door Sunset had just exited from. “She’s right.”

“Why are you here!?” Cheerilee howled.

Her phone already in her hand as she absentmindedly swatted at the screen with an index finger, Aria shot the tiniest of glances back at Cheerilee. “Principal Celestia encourages anyone who looks like a teenager to stay.” Aria pursed her lips thoughtfully for a moment. “Though, I pull down six figures just to let people watch me own peeps at LoL,” Aria informed. She shrugged. “This whole ‘high school’ thing is sorta just a window into what maybe my age group is supposed to be into?” Aria shook her head. “I dunno… Your guess is as good as mine.”

Outside the class and down the hall, Flash attempted to get a word out but was interrupted by being roughly shoved against a locker, having a body nearly jumping on top of him, and experiencing a tongue stuck down the hole where words would normally come out of.

After about thirty seconds of frantic tongue dancing, Sunset retracted her mouth muscle. “Guy’s or girl’s?” Sunset exclaimed.

“Uh… What?!”

“I’m a hot mess of strange and bizarre sexual desires, but I’ll settle for something more conventional, except I don’t want to wait! So either you rip me off of you and run away screaming or give me the answer to the question ‘guy’s or girl's bathroom, where do you want to do it one or likely multiple times’?!” Sunset exclaimed. “Pick one!”

“Wow, uh… wow, geez… Girl’s?”

“Good choice!” Sunset said as she took Flash by the hand and dragged him into an unoccupied girls room before shoving him roughly into a stall.

Flash fell atop the toilet seat, the porcelain seat protesting with a few ceramic clanks at the rough treatment it was receiving. “Sunset, what—“

Sunset sat on Flash’s lap and reached down to his button and zipper, unbuttoning the former and zipping down the latter. “From this point on no talking …”

Getting Your House in Order OR Order in the House!

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Star Swirl the Bearded examined the magical table in front of him with the keen eye of a pony who simply had to be the absolute best at magic by virtue of his name being composed of the most magical elements of all “Star”, “Swirl”, and most importantly, “earde".

With his keen observational skills, he had deduced that the table was, indeed, magic. Why it was so obvious that it was tragic! Tragic that no other ponies had both the smarts and heart to wield the power which made other, unworthy ponies cower!

With a zap from the point above his hat, white light corrected the oversight of the table and its map causing it to unwrap into crystal tree that contained the elements of harmony.

Of course, ponies gasped and clapped and celebrated his skills which were often quite underrated and once again the mighty—

“HEY!” a deep masculine voice called out. “STOP ZAPPING MY ROOF, YOU OLD SMELLY BASTARD!”

—Old Smelly the Bastard had proven…

…

Wait?! What?!

---

“Who the hay was that?!” Applejack exclaimed as she stared at the table that usually showed a map of Equestria, but instead was showing the Tree of Harmony.

Rainbow Dash raised a forehoof up to forehead and shook it slowly as she let loose an annoyed. “Ugh… this guy…”

“Oh no…” Twilight uttered.

“This guy?!” Applejack cried. “What guy are ya talking about?!”

Flash Magnus’s ears perked up, “That voice! It can’t be…”

Rockhoof huffed out a sigh heavy with perhaps not-so-fond memories. “This guy…”

Starlight chuckled. “This guy…”

“No, seriously!” Applejack snapped. “What guy are we talking about?!”

“Beats me!” Pinkie said with a shrug.

Fluttershy and Sunburst said nothing and peered at the table curiously.

Meadowbrook, Mistmane, and Somnambula all let out shrieks of girlish delight. “This guy!” they said excitedly.

“WHAT GUY ARE WE TALKIN’ ABOUT?!” Applejack hollered in frustration.

Star Swirl slammed both his forehooves on the top of the table, causing the image of the harmony tree to flicker somewhat.

“KNOCK IT OFF!” Roared a voice from inside the table. “THAT’S REALLY LOUD AND THERE’S A TON OF SENSITIVE EQUIPMENT UP THERE!”

“SHOW YOURSELF, YOU MANGY CUR!”

The room fell silent as the sound of tiny pads hitting tiny stairs could be heard before a tiny door opened on top of the table nearly right under Star Swirl’s nose. Out of the tiny trap-door appeared a tiny tan colored dog with a teeny-tiny curled white tail and white underbelly. He wore teeny-tiny headphones which had a doubly-teeny-tiny microphone and glared up at Star Swirl with the tiniest-tiniest pair of little doggy eyes perhaps in all of existence.

A series of groans rang out from the ponies, a few more squeals of delight, a couple murmurs of confusion, and super-teeny-tiny gasp from Fluttershy as her eyes grew to the size of large saucers at the sight of the animal.

Applejack leveled a forehoof at the mouse-sized dog. “What in the name of Sam’s, Pam’s, and Liam’s hill is that little critter?!”

Star Swirl motioned towards the dog and glared at Twilight. “What is this creepy little beast doing in the table?!”

“That’s what I want to know!” Twilight exclaimed in annoyance.

“Hey!” the tiny dog protested in a voice that was decidedly the opposite of teeny-tiny. “The ‘little beast’ has a name, you old codger! And it’s ‘Order’. ‘Ya know… I’m just the guy who’s been keeping Equestria afloat since before you ponies even got ‘yer acts together!” Order glanced behind him. “HEY! That’s my basement you’re spyin’ on! That’s definitely not cool, ‘ya old flank-hole!”

Star Swirl’s eyes twitched in annoyance, but before he could get in a word edgewise, Rainbow Dash spoke up, “Hah! Like you’re one to talk!”

“Well, when I do it, it’s for the greater good!” Order insisted.

Starlight nodded and parroted out, “The greater good…” quietly.

Order motioned to Star Swirl. “When this old coot does it, it’s for something stupid!”

“Fool of a mongrel! We need tools to defeat the greatest threat to Equestria that’s ever lived!”

“Then just ask Rockhoof to bean you with his shovel, already!” Order quipped. “Unless you weren’t including yourself. In which case Starlight is also right here and all you need is some wind and a few kites to keep her happy.”

Starlight chuckled to herself.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at her student/roommate. “You’re happy he called you the greatest threat to Equestria that’s ever lived?”

Starlight shrugged. “Sure! It’s kind of a compliment if you think about it.”

“I really try not to think about it…” Twilight admitted.

Pinkie bounded up to the table and laid her head on it sideways as she got a look at the very, very small dog. “What are you doing in Twilight’s table, Mr. Order?”

“Spying on ponies!” Rainbow Dash accused.

“Oh, he’s not that bad!” Starlight insisted.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Right. Because of course you’re fine with some being monitoring everything that goes on in Equestria!”

Starlight shrugged. “Gotta keep the peace somehow!”

Order’s tiny dog face scrunched up in annoyance, causing Fluttershy to let out a nearly inaudible squeal of delight. “Just pointing you girls in the right direction to keep Equestria safe while some bearded moron gets himself stuck in Limbo for over a millennium.” He turned back towards Star Swirl. “Nice job by the way, jack-ass!”

Star Swirl sneered down at Order. “I did what was necessary to protect Equestria!”

Order pointed a paw upwards. “You just figured out whatever portal based solution ya could to deal with Stygian and rolled with it, ya one-trick pony ‘tard-mo!”

“Wait, who?” Twilight asked.

“Do not speak unless spoken to, strumpet!” Star Swirl snapped.

Mistmane took a step forward. “Star Swirl, perhaps you should just put Order out of mind for the time being,” she soothed.

“Neigh! NEVER!” Star Swirl said.

Somnambula woozily drifted forward and pointed towards the tree. “Look, the seeds we planted have borne a tree! And that tree has borne fruit! And that fruit has borne a castle! And, my-oh-my did that analogy get away from me.”

“Then it did work!” Rockhoof crowed triumphantly.

Sunburst looked at the massive pony curiously. “What worked?”

Mistmane smiled serenely at the ponies present. “We wanted to leave something to protect the realm in our absence, but we never dreamed our gift would become so powerful!”

“Well of course it became powerful!” Star Swirl interjected. “Anything from my seed is bound to be glorious.”

There was an uncomfortable silence only punctuated by an equally uncomfortable cough from Flash Magnus.

“HA! As if!” Order called out. “Yer probably shootin’ blanks by now, old man!”

“I WILL BANISH YOU, MUTT!”

“I’d love ‘ta see you try!”

Applejack looked over the Pillars. “Y’all mean the Elements came from you? Did… Did this tiny dog come from y’all as well?!”

“See, applepony,” Order interrupted in a dry murmur of a tone, “it’s comments like that that explain why ‘yer the least popular of the Elements.”

“Hey!” Applejack protested.

Order rolled his eyes. “And, you caught me!” he said sarcastically as he pointed towards Star Swirl again. “That’s right! I sprung fully formed from this flank-hole’s shaggy beard!”

“YOU DARE INSULT MY BEARD, MANGY MONGREL?!” Star Swirls horn suddenly blazed with white light. “TO TARTARUS WITH YOU! THE MUCH LARGER, THREE-HEADED MONGREL SHALL BE YOUR KEEPER!”

“BRING IT, SWIRLY!” Order suddenly spoke into his microphone. “Alexa! Operation: Sandstorm!”

A ribbon of light appeared on the edge of the table and made a single rotation around it.“Playing Sandstorm by Darude,” a female's voice called out from the table as all light, save the glow of Star Swirl’s horn went out in the room. A repeated string of music filled the room along with a sudden cascade of different colored lights and lasers which shot forth from the table’s surface, several catching Star Swirl in is wide-open, angry eyes.

“GHA! My vision!” Star Swirl hollered in pain before he collapsed to the ground, clutching at his eyes feebly as he rolled about the ground, adding the sound of jingling bells to the electronic dance music.

“Alexa! Stop!” Order ordered.

With another spin of the blue ribbon, the music and light show stopped, the hologram of the Tree of Harmony returned as well as the lights. Meanwhile, Star Swirl continued to writhe around on the ground.

Order padded up to the side of the table and peered down at Star Swirl. He pointed with a forepaw. “YEEEEAAAAAH! Taste the PAINBOW, ya old miserable jerk-face!”

“Oh, that’s good…” Rainbow Dash said. “I should use that.”

Starlight trotted up to the edge of the table. “That was fantastic. I would have happily paid cash money to have seen that.” She said as she held out a forehoof.

Order happily swatted at the forehoof with a paw. “Oh, I’ll happily blind that old goat for free any day of the week!”

“YOU LEAVE MY GOAT OUT OF THIS!” Star Swirl screamed.

Sunburst stepped up and leaned down to bring Star Swirl back up to his hooves, in a huff of stomping and jingling, the wizard retreated to an empty spot in the room and began rage pacing, filling the air with the sound of angry jangling bells. Sunburst watched for a moment then turned back toward Order. “Well, that explains… uh… literally nothing… If you pardon the question, where did you come from?”

“Look buddy, I could explain the complexities of magic and molecules collecting at the beginning of time jus’ ta form a being designed to keep ya all from burnin’ the whole place down ‘cause ya ponies can’t, like, figure out how ta have breakfast once a day with each other without there being a threat to the whole dang planet!”

Applejack groaned. “So, there’s jus’ been this tiny dog runnin’ around Equestria since as long as any pony could remember?”

Rockhoof looked down and nodded. “That’s certainly the way Order has always explained things, yes. None amongst us has uncovered any evidence to the contrary.”

Applejack looked around the room. “Well, why the heck am I jus’ hearing about this now?!” Her gaze lingered on Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Starlight in particular. “Ah mean, it’s pretty clear this isn’t news to everypony not a Pillar or a crotchety old rejected Hearth’s Warming display piece!”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Take it from Rarity and me. Finding out brings you no joy whatsoever. Just lots and lots of paranoia that you’re being watched from this point on.”

Twilight sighed. “That it does…”

“So, Rarity even knows?!” Applejack exclaimed. She looked about the room. “Am I literally the last pony to hear about this?!”

“Uh…” Sunburst said.

“Sorry, Sunburst,” Applejack said, “Yer so quiet, I kinda forget yer here half the time… Worse than Fluttershy even.”

“Oh, uh, no worries,” Sunburst replied.

“I didn’t know about it!” Pinkie squeaked in an annoyed tone. She scrunched her face into an accusatory glare that she then leveled at Rainbow Dash and placed a few inches from the rainbow pegasus’s face. “Pies! Secret tiny dogs! Is our entire friendship based on a foundation of lies, Dashie!?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and gently pushed Pinkie back about a forearms’ length away. “Chill, Pinkie. I wasn’t hiding Order from anypony. More like I didn’t talk about him because I’m trying hard to forget he exists!”

“So… What?!” Applejack exclaimed. “Only the earth ponies didn’t know?!”

Sunburst cleared his throat.

“An’ Sunburst,” Applejack added as Sunburst nodded satisfactorily.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Get over yourself, AJ, Fluttershy didn’t know either.”

Pinkie shrugged. “She’s kinda half earth pony!”

Fluttershy spoke up, “And she’s peeved she wasn’t told either! Like… super-peeved.”

Meadowbrook chuckled. “It’s okay if ya say ‘pissed’ ya know?”

Fluttershy cringed slightly. “Well, let’s not go crazy, now…” She turned and trotted over the table, placing her face right next to Order. “Who’d have thought such an adorable creature was living in Twilight’s castle!”

“Hah! Oh, go on!” Order said with a swat at the air. “No, really. I thrive on compliments!”

“He spies on ponies, Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash hissed.

“Awww…” Fluttershy said as she lowered a forehoof low enough that Order could rub his chin against the edge of it. “I have animals around that spy on me all the time! It’s not a big deal.”

“But this animal can TALK!” Rainbow Dash pointed out.

Fluttershy turned and frowned heavily at Rainbow Dash. “Most the animals I know can talk. It’s just that most ponies can’t understand them.”

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, but still!”

Sighing, Twilight stepped up to the table, “Well, since you’re here—”

“I’m always here on the account that I live here!” Order replied.

Twilight’s expression tightened, “— maybe you can help us with the—”

‘Smack! Jingle-jangle!’

“OW!” Twilight cried out in surprise as a large, pointed hat with bells on it swatted her across the side of the face, winning more glares from most the mares present.

“SPEAK NOT TO THAT HORRID BEAST! HE WILL ONLY LEAD US ASTRAY LIKE THE MUTT HE IS!”

“STRAYS DON’T HAVE HOMES, YA FACE-FURRED MORON! YOU ARE JUST THE WORST AT DOG PUNS!” Huffing out a sigh, Order turned towards Twilight. “Sorry, Princess should-really-get-a-spa-room-in-the-castle.”

“Uh… I mean… That’s not really important right now—”

“This is yer bed you made and you gotta lay in it!”

Twilight let out a sigh heavy with regret. “But I didn’t mean to let out the Pony of Shadows. I just wanted to rescue my idol!”

“Oh, right, right… The PoS. That’s a thing.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Well… yeah! Who did you think I was talking about?!”

“Mistmane!” Star Swirl called out. “Tell your hair to stop doing that unnatural ‘wafting in the windless room’ nonsense! It’s both overly showy and quite possibly evil!”

“I keep telling you, you old fool! It does that on its own!”

“ALL THE MORE REASON TO BELIEVE DEMONIC POWERS ARE AFOOT!”

Order rolled his eyes. “Maybe the jerk-ass who's complaining about the showiness of magical floating hair when he’s wearing bells?”

Twilight frowned. “Why does everypony keep picking on Star Swirl! He’s not that bad!”

“I’d attempt to refute that, but he’s about to hit you with his hat and yell at you again.”

‘Smack! Jingle-jangle!’

“Owch!”

“I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP SPEAKING TO THAT FLEA BITTER CUR, STRUMPET!”

“See?” Order added.

“Ugh, fine!” Twilight said, “if you’re not going to help I’ll just do this on my own!”

Glancing over, Sunburst frowned slightly. “Well… I’m still here…Ghak!” Sunburst was suddenly cut off as he was taken in a magenta glow and wrapped in Twilight’s forelegs.

“Look, Princess,” Order continued, “I’m not trying to give ya the cold shoulder here, but Star Swirl’s record when it comes to helping other’s is kinda all over the place! Sher he’s helped a lot of ponies in Equestria but you and I both know he didn’t do Sunset or ya any favors with those Sirens. Plus, like, he got himself and all the pillars locked up in Limbo, and those other five are pretty cool dogs.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow as the pony in her clutches struggled for breath. “I think you mean ‘cats’.”

Order narrowed his eyes “No. No, I don’t.”

“Well, anyway,” Twilight said, “it didn’t seem like Rockhoof and Flash Magnus where all that pleased to see you.”

“Oh, they’re just sore on account of me always beatin’ them when it comes to drinkin’.”

Twilight’s entire face contorted in confusion as she looked down at the tiny dog on the table. “I… but… how?!”

“Gkt!” Sunburst uttered from within Twilight’s grasp.

“I know, right?!” Twilight replied.

Order just shrugged. “Beats me why those guys don’t know how to pace themselves better. Anyhow, assuming that idiot doesn’t get everypony banished a second time, I’m sher me and the pillars will tie a few more on and have a great time.”

Twilight pursed her lips slightly as if mulling over this new information.

“Hey, Twilight,” Starlight called out as she walked up.

Twilight hugged Sunburst all the tighter much to his great distress. “No! My stress cuddle-buddy! Mine! You can borrow Spike while I can’t have him!”

“Uh… Okay?” Starlight said. “I mean… I think Rarity is having her way with him now… or vice versa… or both? It wasn’t clear what was going to happen except for debauchery.”

“Oh, right!” Order chirped as he began walking back towards the trap door. “That reminds me. I have some quality, uh… friendship problems to scout out…”

This only caused Twilight to clamp down on Sunburst all the harder. She whimpered in Order’s direction.

Order stopped, turned, and sighed. “Alright, alright! I’ll give you a booty call if I figure out where the PoS has gotten off to, okay?”

Twilight simply nodded.

Smiling, Order continued to pad back to the opening in the table. “Now, speaking of getting off…”

Twilight cringed and squeezed Sunburst tight enough that the pony frantically swatted at Twilight’s forehooves in attempt to get her to loosen them.

“Whoops, sorry!” Twilight said as she relaxed her vice-like grasp on Sunburst long enough that he could take a few gasping breaths.

“Besides,” Starlight continued, “Spike should probably shower before he’s handled by anypony else,” She pointed out. “At the very least, I bet he shows back up covered in Rarity juices.” Starlight seemed to ponder this for a moment.

Twilight cringed slightly and tightened her grip causing Sunburst to flail in her grasp. “Thank for reminding me that my dragon of near indeterminable mental age is having a rather hot-and-heavy coming of age ceremony at this very moment.”

Starlight shrugged. “Considering all he’s been through, especially with Rarity, he kind of deserves it… On a related topic, does Spike sweat?”

Twilight’s grip on Sunburst loosened somewhat and grabbed another gasp of air. “You know what? Oddly enough, he does.”

Starlight rubbed her chin slightly. “Dragon physiology is weird…”

“Heh. Tell me about it,” Twilight said.

“Look, I didn’t walk over here because I needed a hug, though you should loosen up on Sunburst again.”

Sunburst wheezed in agreement.

“Oh…right…” Twilight said, releasing Sunburst enough that he could start catching up on all the precious oxygen denied him over the last few minutes. Twilight let out a heavy sigh. “So, let me guess. If you’re not after hugs, then you’re also going to tell me I should stop working with Star Swirl.”

“No,” Starlight said, “I think you should disintegrate him or at least cast a sleep spell on him so we can take turns doodling on his face.” Starlight frowned slightly. "Though, it's not like anypony can draw a phallus big enough to eclipse our canvas in that case.

Twilight simply responded with a tired, annoyed groan.

“Or at least a ‘mute’ spell?” Starlight suggested. She shook her head anything’s better than just letting him have his way.”

“Oh, there you go! You just want to use magic to solve all your problems, Starlight!”

“I uh…” Starlight pursed her lips and thought about this for a moment. “I guess you have something of a point? Though, you can just slug him, too! I mean, you’ve got to have some of that earth pony strength going for you.”

“I’m not going to just slug the legendary Star Swirl the Bearded!”

“Come on!" Starlight insisted. "He's smacked you with his hat and hoof a few times! You can at least ring his bells a little... You know... with violence."

"Yes, Starlight, I got that." Twilight shook her head. "I'm not interested in hurting Starswirl, alright?"

“Well, you should take charge somehow. I mean… Pretty sure princesses out-rank uppity old wizards, for starters.”

Twilight sighed. “But Star Swirl has insight into how to deal with the Pony of Shadows, Potentially one of the greatest threats in Equestrian history!”

“‘Potentially’ is right! We have no idea how big of a threat the Pony of Shadows is! And the biggest assurance that this matters at all is—”

“WHOSE JOB IS IT TO KEEP THE SKY CLEAR AND WHY ARE THEY SO BAD AT IT!” Star Swirl demanded as he stared out a pair of open doors to a balcony.

“— that guy!” Starlight said as she motioned towards Star Swirl.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash protested. “I was busy helping get you out of Limbo and also getting laid!”

“Ugh…” Star Swirl groaned. “Of COURSE, a mare would be in charge, which would explain the condition of the sky!”

“There’s literally one cloud in the sky!” Rainbow Dash retorted.

Star Swirl turned towards the open balcony and shook a forehoof at a single fluffy white cloud in the sky. “AND IT’S A TESTAMENT TO YOUR CONTINUAL FAILURE AS A PONY!”

Rainbow Dash scrunched her face into an irritated glare. She reached out with a foreleg and looped it around one of Flash Magnus’s and began to drag him out of the room. “Come on Flash, I need your help for something…”

Flash Magnus followed but looked at Rainbow Dash in confusion. “You need help clearing the sky of a single cloud?”

“No, I have 99 problems, but a cloud isn’t one of them. Right now I need help with problem 69 or the current lack of that number in my life.”

With a confused, if rather hopeful look on his face, Flash Magnus allowed Rainbow Dash to escort him out of the room.

“I’m sure Star Swirl is just under a lot of pressure,” Twilight said in a tone that seemingly meant the statement was for her benefit as much as any ponies.

“That’s understandable…” Sunburst said, clearly still trying to return to a normal breathing cadence. “The pressure feels pretty crushing as of late.”

Starlight frowned heavily. “At least you could, I don’t know, reach out to Princess Celestia and Luna?” Starlight’s face tightened slightly. “Actually, with that huge explosion, I’m not entirely sure why they’re not here already, in fact”

-ooo-

“SISTER!” Luna cried as she threw open a white door with a yellow sun on the front. “There was an explosion at Twilight’s castle! It looked like… like…” Luna’s eyelids dropped as she peered into the darkness of her sister’s quarters. Usually, her sister’s room was awash with the day’s sun, no surprise there, but right now the curtains were drawn and the only light seemed to be coming from the room behind Luna. “Celestia? Are you—”

“The Dragon Slave,” Celestia answered. “Yes, I know… I saw it… It seems my former student has worked wonders with Star Swirl’s journal.”

Luna scanned the darkened room. “Sister?” she called again. “I hear you but, I do not see you.”

“Down here, Luna!”

Luna took a few more steps forward and stopped at her sister’s ornate, four post bed. Looking down at it, she saw only empty, perfectly ironed covers. Dropping her head nearly to the floor, Luna final caught sight of her sister, curled up on her side so that her horn did not pierce the bed above.

“Hello, Luna,” Celestia greeted.

“Sister,” Luna greeted simply. “Do you intend to ignore the explosion at Ponyville?”

“If Ponyville calls for aid, I will supply it,” Celestia informed, “However, I’m confident Twilight and her friends can handle the old man’s tantrums,” she added. “Dealing with powerful magical beings who don’t understand friendship is sort of her specialty after all.” Celestia pulled in on herself somewhat. “Also, just remembering the sound of bells and the sight of Star Swirl’s beard fills me with a dread I had hoped I had laid to rest a long time ago…”

Luna gave Celestia a knowing frown and nodded. “Then I have one more question for you…”

“It’ll be tight,” Celestia said, “but yes, I think you can fit down here.”

“Oh, good,” Luna replied as she got on her belly and crawled under the bed. “Oof!” she frowned as her flank had a sudden issue getting under the edge of the bed and silently wondered how her own sister managed to fit in such a confined space. With a tug, she pulled the rest of herself under the bed and cozied up to her sister in the confined space. “How long do you think we should stay in the designated ‘No Bearded and Bell Wearing Boys Allowed’ Fort?’”

There was the tinkling of something against a ceramic container. “As long as the cookies I snagged from the pantry last,” Celestia informed.

There was a rustling from under the bed. “And I have grabbed all the cheese sticks I could find from the royal kitchen.”

“Be strong, Luna,” Celestia said. “We’ve weathered storms like this before! We can do it again.”

“Of course, Sister… Though I remember the space under your bed being substantially larger over a 1,000 years ago…”

-ooo-

Twilight sighed. “I’m sure they have their reasons,” she said as she began to slowly tighten her grasp on Sunburst.

Sunburst’s eyes went wide with worry.

“Well, I’m sure those reasons aren’t likely to be as good as what we could use their help for!” Starlight countered.

Sunburst shot a pleading look at Starlight as Twilight’s forelegs continued to tighten. “I’d rather try to fix this myself unless there’s a good reason for asking for their help,” Twilight countered. “Right now, it seems like we have the situation well under control.”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Right! The Pony of Shadows is potentially the worst threat to Equestria ever, but that’s not worth bothering the other two princesses over!” Starlight said. “That makes sense!”

Sunburst let out another strained gasp as Twilight’s grip tightened further. Twilight opened her own mouth as to protest Starlight’s previous protest, but was cut off before she could get a word out.

“USELESS FEMALES SHUT YOUR WORD HOLES!” Star Swirl cried. “Though, I understand that will be of great difficulty for you!” This statement won Star Swirl a number of dirty glares of the mares present, with the exception of those pillars who only rolled their eyes, clearly use to this line from him. “Through my own brilliance, I have figured out how to trap the Pony of Shadows back in Limbo without the use of Ponehenge!”

Twilight loosened her grasp once more, much to the joy of Sunburst and his lungs. “See!” Twilight said. “Star Swirl has it all figured out.”

Star Swirl motioned towards the Tree of Harmony hologram. “And it involves using these elements, consuming their power whole, and leaving this castle a withered husk!”

Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack all gasped, and there came at once a strained gurgling noise from Sunburst as well as the clicks of several bones as Twilight squeezed her ‘stress-cuddler’ for all he was worth. Sunburst’s face began to turn a shade of color not too dissimilar from Twilight’s own coat.

“Right, totally figured out,” Starlight uttered sarcastically.

Star Swirl continued, “Also the Pillars and I will once again be trapped in limbo, thus, not only invalidating my useless strumpet of an assistant's work but in fact objectively make things worse than they were before she undid my spell.”

Twilight let out a small, distressed shriek and somehow managed to tense her body further, causing a sickly sounding ‘crack’ from Sunburst’s bones and a wet, throaty exhale from his throat.

Starlight glanced up at the ceiling and shrugged. “On the other hoof, sometimes sacrifices must be made for the greater good!”

“Hey, wait a second!” Order’s voice called out. “What’s that old goat going on about?!”

“I TOLD YOU TO CEASE YOUR PRATTLING ABOUT MY GOAT!”

Panic written across her face, Twilight dropped Sunburst. Sunburst suddenly inhaled a gasp of relief as his body oozed out onto the ground in a nearly jelly-like viscosity. Bolting up to Star Swirl with a pensive smile on her face, Twilight said, “Uh, so about this whole using-the-elements-destroying-my-house thing…”

“Seriously!” Order called out. “Just what the heck are ya talkin’ about out there?!”

Star Swirl rolled his eyes so hard his head bobbed slightly and his bells jangled. “You made it a whole half a minute without interrupting, Twilight Strumpet the Useless! That must have been a record for you.”

“Er…” Twilight’s nervous smile took on an air of sheepishness as a pink blush accompanied it. “I just thought maybe we can consult with some other resources? I mean… I’m not the only Princess. You remember Princess Celestia and Luna, right?”

"WHAT?! NO!” Star Swirl snapped.

Twilight’s smile fell. “‘No’ you don’t remember them, or ‘no’ we won’t consult them?”

Twilight won another smack across her face with Star Swirl’s bell hat for her troubles.

“Ow!”

‘Jingle-jangle!’

“And what, pray-tell, would I ask them about?! If chocolate chip cookies are inherently superior to sugar cookies?!”

Twilight looked at Star Swirl in confusion for a moment. “Uh… Why would Princess Celestia and Luna care about that?”

Star Swirl’s brow tightened. “Perhaps a witless mare like you can communicate on their level, but the princesses are naught but children! What possible use would they be in this situation.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “You do recall we told you that you’ve been in Limbo for quite some time, right? I mean, it would follow that the Princesses are older now.”

Pinkie giggled. “And besides, there’s nothing wrong with a good cookie debate.”

Starlight chuckled and rolled her eyes. “I’m sure the princesses have better things to talk about than cookies now, Pinkie Pie,”

-ooo-

“Tia, ‘tis blasphemy!” Luna exclaimed. “How could you even suggest any cookie that lacks the balance of sweet sugar Vs. the delicious bitter taste of cocoa be the best?!”

“Oh, I think you're strongly overlooking the merits of a perfectly baked sugar cookie, Sister!” Celestia hissed out.

“There is simply not much to overlook!” Luna countered. “There are barely any ingredients to mention and none of which are that most perfect of cookie addition, the chocolate chip. You’re lucky I even humored this topic without the consideration of the cookies being baked with cacao powder to begin with!”

“You just like chocolate and chocolate chips because they’re dark like you!” Celestia accused.

“You cannot prove that is that reason!” Luna retorted.

-ooo-

“Bhah!” Starlight said. “Bhah! I say! Those two should simply concentrate on keeping the heavens in order!”

Twilight frowned. “Okay, but—”

“I said ‘bhah!’” Star Swirl stressed. “That duty of moving the sun and the moon is of monumental importance! It be best that they concentrate on such a thing.” Star Swirl pursed his lips slightly. “If they are to be commended for anything, it’s that they’ve managed to go this long with any dereliction of their duties.”

An uncomfortable silence fell over the ponies present.

Oddly enough, it was Fluttershy that broke the silence. "There's another Princess you know. One that doesn’t control the sun or the moon.”

“Everypony stop suggesting that toddlers help!” sneered Star Swirl.

“Ooo! Ooo! Flurry Heart!” Pinkie said as she bounced about excitedly. “I bet she could help!”

“Who or what is a ‘Flurry Heart’?” Star Swirl asked.

“Er… She’s technically another princess,” Twilight informed.

“Is she also ‘technically’ a toddler?!”

Twilight inhaled sharply.

“Oh, hehe,” Sunburst began. “Actually, she’s an infant. I’m her Crystaler.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… Best title for a royal babysitter, ever!”

Sunburst pursed his lips into a small frown.

“Pinkie Pie!” Starlight chastised. “Stop being so honest! That’s Applejack’s job.”

“Hey!” Applejack protested. “Ah’ve learned a lot recently about keeping mah trap shut or watchin’ what I say so I don’t have to commit kidnappin’s to make things right… or ya know… digging shallow graves as the case may be.”

“Er… I was talking about Cadance,” Fluttershy said. “Though, I thought that’d have been obvious.”

Star Swirl tilted his head and peered in Fluttershy’s direction with a look of interest. “Princess Cadence, you say? I presume from her name she is a Princess of rhythm, then?”

“Er… I guess you can say there’s a ‘beat’ to what she does, sure,” Fluttershy replied.

Pinkie let out another giggle. “Bum-bump! Bum-bump!”

“Then she’s the Princess of Time!?” Star Swirl asked, the corners of his lips looking like they might break into a smile.

“ER… Actually, she’s the Princess of Love,” Fluttershy said.

A mirthful giggle ran through the female pillars.

“Oh, that is jus’ precious!” Meadowbrook mentioned.

Mistmane smiled. “Yess! How wonderful that love iss held in ssuch high essteem!”

Somnambula let out a small chuckle. “Well, though I prefer hope, it is said that ‘love is all you need’.”

“BHAH!”

Rockhoof let out a sigh. “Oh, here it comes…”

“Double BHAH! TRIPLE BHAH!” With a white glow of his horn, Star Swirl’s hat flew off his head and began flying around the room swatting at all the ponies. The Pillars took their swats with little more than an eyeroll as Twilight, Fluttershy, and Sunburst took theirs with a cringe.

Pinkie merely giggled and swatted playfully at the hat as Applejack counter attacked the jingling menace with her own hat. Starlight simply put up a shield and glared at the piece of headwear as if she was contemplating disintegrating it.

Star Swirl returned the hat to his head, neatly putting it back into place with his magic before making an exaggerated effort to throw his forehooves in the air, causing bells to jingle as angrily as bells possibly could. “Does anypony else have any useless suggestions that are obviously inferior to my own where I come up with a plan to banish the Pony of Shadows once for all and everypony celebrates how great I am?!”

“Come to think of it,” Fluttershy said, her sentence briefly interrupted by a rage snarl from Star Swirl which she ignored as Star Swirl returned to examining the tree of harmony, “things would go much easier if Discord were here to help…”

“Oh yeah!” Pinkie chimed in. “And not like just now, but for literally everything we do!”

“Oh! That is good idea!” Starlight chimed in. “Do we have any way of contacting him?”

Fluttershy shrugged. “I kinda know where he lives inasmuch as anypony can understand the non-conventional physics around Discord’s house… Does anypony here know how to send message scrolls at a blaight angle to a quasi-un-reality?”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Maybe he’ll show up if we say his name three times or something! Ooo! Ooo! Or maybe Fluttershy can go to a bathroom, turn off the lights, and say his name into the mirror until he shows up.”

Twilight frowned. “You’re thinking of the Bloody Mare, Pinkie.”

“I might be thinking of the Bloody Mare,” Pinkie admitted.

“Who are you foolish fillies prattling on about?!” Star Swirl demanded.

“Oh, the Blood Mare?” Sunburst said. “Well, she’s a somewhat recent legend by historical standards, but she has roots going back to—”

“No,” Star Swirl interrupted brusquely. “Before that. I thought I heard a name from my time.”

“Discord,” Fluttershy said.

“Discord?” Star Swirl asked.

Pinkie giggled. “Discord!” she chirped excitedly.

At once, the room darkened again as a sickly-green spotlight hit the Harmony Table just as a bulge in the table’s surface sprang up. A bolt of lightning arced from the ceiling and struck this odd swelling, causing it to burst open as Discord, wearing a black-and-white vertically striped suit, black tie, and purple-undershirt sprung forth, cackling and laughing as he flailed about and fixed the ponies present with a mad, manic grin. “Iiiiiiit’s show time!” He declared.

“Hey! HEEEEY!” Order called out. “Enough with the messing with my roof!”

Discord laid onto his side, his midsection arcing up with the massive open bulge in the table. He propped up his chin with his lion’s paw. “Oh, lighten up, you old puppy. You should be happy I’m here.”

“I’ll be happy when you figure out how ta respect other people’s property!” Order exclaimed. “Bad enough I have to deal with you during the holidays…” he muttered.

“Ah have soooo many questions right now,” Applejack said.

“Discord!” Fluttershy said happily.

Discord got back up his dress-shoe wearing ‘feet’, smiled and bowed. “The chaos host with the most, babe.”

Pinkie inhaled a happy gulp of air and let it out with an equally happy. “Discord!”

Discord frowned. “Yes. Hi, Pinkie. Now, please. No pony else say my—”

“Diiiiiiscoooord!” Star Swirl growled out.

Discord sighed. “—name…” With that, the Lord of Chaos disappeared in an unceremonious blip.

Star Swirl smirked. “Good riddance!”

“HAH!” Order called out. “That’s whatcha get fer messing around with chaos powers, ya dumb jerk!” he called out.

“Uh, hey, Order?” Starlight said. She pointed a forehoof towards behind the small dog. “Your table is still… er…”

“Oh… he did not…” There was the sound of tiny dog feet stomping as a hatch opened up in the side of the window and Order stuck his head out to witness the mount of broken crystals that once was the top of the Table of Harmony. “GRRRRAAAAA!” Order exclaimed. “That guy is the WORST! I am so telling mom about this!”

“Just… all the questions,” Applejack said as she circled her face with a forehoof in the air. “Right here. All of ‘em.”

Twilight stared at the table with wide amethyst eyes that looked like they might overflow with tears at a moment’s notice. Taking a deep breath, Sunburst trotted up to the mare and extended his forelegs. He was quickly pulled into a squeezing and air-depleting hug much to Starlight’s annoyance.

‘Knock, knock, knock!’

Confused expressions on their faces, those present soon found themselves looking down at the floor.

‘BANG! BANG! BANG!’

Twilight leaped from the spot she occupied bringing Sunburst with her as the ponies all peered down at the floor.

“Can I come in, or up, or what?!” Discord called up from the floor.

“Uh… Come in?” Twilight called out in an unsure voice.

A trapdoor which certainly hadn’t existed until a few moments ago swung open and Discord stormed up and out, back to his normal-for-discord unclothed glory.

“Aww,” Fluttershy said in a disappointed tone. “I thought you looked good in a suit.”

“Well, it was more trouble than it was worth!” Discord spat out. “Plus, it needed a good fumigation.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Erm… I think you mean steam cleaning.”

“I know what I said!” Discord said.

“BEGONE VILE BRINGER OF CHAOS!” Star Swirl exclaimed as his horn began to glow white. “Least I banish you to some distant—”

With a heavy ‘SNAP!’ of his finger an orange traffic cone appeared over Star Swirl’s head muffling his voice, magic, and most importantly, his bells.

“Yes, none of that right now,” Discord said.

“Hey! HEY!” Order called out. “Kudos on shutting up the ol’ ding-bat, but what about my roof?”

Discord smiled wryly at the tiny dog. “I’m sorry, what about your what?”

“My roof!”

“What?”

“My Roof! Roof! Roof! Ro…” Order’s eyelids dropped and he shot up a glare at Discord. “Oh, I get it… and I don’t approve.”

Discord simply shot the dog a wry grin as Fluttershy let out a small giggle.

“Er, Discord?”

Discord glanced over to see Starlight looking at him with an imploring expression. Her countenance was mirrored by Fluttershy and both mares nodded in the direction of Twilight who seemed to be putting in a monumental effort towards holding back tears as she clutched dearly to an orange unicorn stallion whose face seemed to be turning a shade close to that of Twilight’s coat. “Oh, very well,” Discord said. With a snap of his eagle talon, the top of the table returned to its previous state of smoothness and tree displaying.

Twilight’s face relaxed as did her grip allowing the pony her grasp to once again breath.

“There! Was that so hard?!” Order asked.

Discord rolled his eyes. “You never did understand the importance of a good entrance.”

Rockhoof tapped his shovel on the crystalline floor. “Oh, I think many of us could have done with a few more low-key attempts at your arrivals,” he said coldly.

“My apologies,” Discord grinned and snapped his fingers, as a green leather outfit with golden trim appeared on his body along with a large, golden headpiece with a pair of massive curved golden horns extending from the front. “Is this more towards your liking?”

Somnambula joined Rockhoof in firing up a disapproving glare at the Lord of Chaos. “That is decidedly the opposite of ‘low-key’.”

Discord shook his head. “Oh, I know a rather powerful mouse that would disagree there!”

Starlight looked over the Pillars as Star Swirl managed to remove the traffic cone from his head and pull his hat from it with an annoyed grunt. Star Swirl’s rage-filled stare was completely unsurprising, but the other four pillars present didn’t seem to regard Discord with much better looks.

“Eesh, tough crowd,” Discord quipped as he unceremoniously snapped his eagle talon causing his outfit to disappear.

“Howdy, Discord,” Applejack said, her tone likewise a bit icy.

Discord seemed slightly taken aback by this, but tipped a wide-brimmed hat that had only existed for a few moments in the direction of Applejack anyways. “Well, Howdy, Aj! Ah’d reckon it’s a pleasure ta see ya again, but ya look more shook up than a cow that learned the hard way that milk should be taken outside before attemptin’ ta mix the ice cream in a shaker!”

Applejack cringed. “Don’t think I needed that image, thanks…”

Now sporting a brown afro with the tips of his antlers sticking out, a mustache, and a full brown beard over his white one, Discord paused and stared intently at the recently materialized canvas in front of him. “Oh, but I’ve just about captured the ‘happy accident’ in this picture right here!” he quipped as he swatted at the picture with a paintbrush, spraying flecks of white here and there.

“Uh look, I’mma be straight with ya,” Applejack said.

Discord nodded and dabbed his paintbrush against a paint pallet in his lion’s paw. “I understand, let me just mix some of my ‘girls of indigo’ here with my ‘betty white’ and get up some nice light-blue to get rid of ‘Brokeback Mountain’ in the background.”

“Uh… What?” Applejack replied

“Er, Discord?” Fluttershy interjected. “I think you should listen to Applejack. It’s important.”

Discord wordlessly looked down at the butter colored pegasus then back up to Applejack, giving her one of the rare occasions where he said nothing but looked on with his full attention.

“Look, Discord, I know there’s a time in a place for goofiness, but now’s not the time, Ah mean… Look at Pinkie!” Applejack motioned towards the pink mare.

Pinkie grinned. “I’m bottling my anger and frustration under a happy smile everypony!” she said in a chipper tone. “Let’s just hope I don’t have to do that for too long! Otherwise, Starlight won’t be the only pony who needs an alibi!”

Applejack continued, “Ah’m asking you, as a friend, to please cut down on the theatrics until we figure out the current problems facin’ the group.”

Discord simply nodded and pulled off his brown beard, mustache, and afro. He shoved the hairy heap along with his paint supplies into the canvas, knocking it and the ‘A’-frame it was on over, where the whole mess immediately caught fire.

“Da ya HAVE to start fire’s, indoors?!” griped Order. “Ah mean, you and I both know ya could have teleported that painting away! I’m sure there’d have been a spot on the fridge for it back at home!”

Discord shook his head. “You are still such a wiener dog,” he quipped as Twilight summoned in more flame retardant chemicals with a sigh.

“I’M A SHIBA INU!” Order hollered angrily.

“Yes, yes,” Discord said with a roll of his eyes. “You’re very committed to your weeaboo lifestyle!”

“THAT DOESN’T COUNT IF YOU EXISTED BEFORE THAT WORD, COUNTRY OF REFERENCE, OR CONCEPT OF WORDS EXISTED!” Order insisted forcefully.

Discord chuckled and leaned down to whisper in Starlight’s ear. “I’ve seen him try to eat hamburgers with chopsticks, you know.”

Starlight let out a small laugh. “Hahahheheee… I have no idea what that means. ”

“Hashi! Hashi!” Order insisted. “And the neighponese are VERY orderly!”

Applejack cleared her throat. “Let the record show that Ah quietly observed all this confusin’ and frustratin’ hoopla without loosin’ ma temper.”

Discord chuckled. “Oh, very well.” He rose back to his full height. “The truth is only one pony’s opinion matters regarding if I should go or if I should stay now!”

Fluttershy frowned slightly. “Well… If you go there could be trouble…”

Meadowbrook gasped. “But if he stays it could be double!”

“NO PONY WANTS YOU HERE YOU EVIL WRETC—”

With a ‘snap’ and a modest rain of stop signs, Star Swirl was cut off. “Thankfully, you’re not the pony I’m concerned with.” Discord turned and lowered himself, down to Twilight’s level, placing his grinning face a mere hoof’s width away from her own.

Twilight held onto Sunburst tightly, but even the stallion seemed somewhat grateful for his proximity to Twilight; given that the grinning face of Chaos was right in front of him.

“Well, Twilight, my dear?” Discord purred. “You’ve just got to let me know. Should I stay or should I go? Do you want my help with your angsty little rain-cloud, or not?” Still smiling, his words took on a somewhat dark, sinister tone. “Do note that your decision might affect my presence with any tempests or storms that grace your doorstep soon.”

Twilight’s eyes unfocused for a moment as she considered Discord’s offer. There was always the question of if Discord’s aid in a matter would make things better or worse, and truthfully, it felt like a coin toss at best. Yet, Discord had just shown up at her doorstep and offered his services. Did it really make sense to dismiss him out of hoof?

With the clanging of metal, a beard followed by an angry face appeared, this was followed by the jangling of bells as red octagon ‘STOP’ signs were floated away and a pointed hat returned to the head of one wizard who was shooting Twilight quite the look. A look that all but screamed that if she accepted a single paw, talon, or cloven hoof of help from Discord, he’d make sure his displeasure was quite well known.

Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Thank you, Discord,” she said in an even tone. “But this is a pony problem. We’ll fix it on our own.”

Though the Pillars present let out murmurs of approval, Twilight’s friends all let noises of disapproval… save for her cuddle-buddy, who was gasping for air once more. Twilight loosened her grip on Sunburst who panted for a much-needed breath.

“So be it,” Discord said, any hint of mischief or mirth disappearing from his face. He pulled up to his full height and simply looked down with a blank expression at Twilight. At once, the alicorn mare felt her heart sink. In spite of his disarming behavior Discord wielded a power that shouldn’t be disrespected, and she had basically dismissed his help if only because her idol -whom she had just met today- would have disapproved. Worse than that, she had just snubbed the first friend who had offered help without attacking Twilight’s behavior that day; and she knew then and there, that she had just made a mistake. Sure, Discord had a checkered record concerning his aid to Twilight in the past, but this was certainly the first time he had offered aid with seemingly no strings attached, and she worried it might now be the last.

Discord’s smile returned. “Well, my friends, family, acquaintances, and much loathed ear sores!”

“LEAVE US, MISCREANT!”

Discord smile grew all the wider. “Ah… As predicted. Well! I simply must be off as there’s a delightful anomaly tearing through my sky, which I wouldn’t miss for the world… Sadly, my world will be missed…”

“Good! GO!” Order bayed out. “We didn’t need ‘ya to begin with!”

Discord tilted his head and gave the small canine a lopsided smile dripping with mischief. “Oh! I took the liberty of unloading your dishwasher, Order.”

“WHAT?!” Order barked. He suddenly sprinted back inside the table. “THE CUPS DON’T BELONG THERE! THAT CUPBOARD IS CLEARLY FOR PLATES ONLY!”

“Then why is it named a cupboard, pray tell?” Discord countered.

“I… YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE, DISCORD! ALSO, YOU SHOULD KNOW THE SOUP SPOONS DO NOT GO IN THAT DRAWER!”

Appearing quite chuffed, Discord looked about the ponies present. “Goodbye, friends! Good luck with the oncoming maelstrom that’s sure to hit your next party.”

Pinkie maintained a grin, but it grew to an unnatural size. “Ooh… that sounded ominous…” Her entire body began to quack. “Ominous and my Pinkie sense went off! Let the record show that as happy as I appear, I’m actually terrified!”

Fluttershy frowned. “Discord wouldn’t let anything really bad happen to us,” She looked up at the Draconequus. “Right?”

Discord looked down and smiled. “You ask good questions, my dear.”

“LEAVE US!” Star Swirl ordered.

Discord simply clicked his tongue and saluted. “Au Revoir, you old goat!” With that, Discord disappeared in a blinding white flash.

“EVERYPONY STOP TALKING ABOUT MY GOAT” bellowed Star Swirl.

“Er… I’d normally deliver this news more gently,” Fluttershy said. Her eyes began to fill with angry, red veins that side swept toward her teal irises as her voice grew increasingly dark and menacing. “but I really, really, really DESPISE you with every FIBER of my being…” Noting she was getting a few looks of concern, Fluttershy cleared her throat and continued in a gentler tone. “Goats don’t have a very long lifespan,” she said. “Your goat has probably been dead for over 900 years now.”

“Wow, that’s sad,” Pinkie quipped.

Fluttershy shrugged. “At least the goat died not having to be around Star Swirl anymore.”

Star Swirl furrowed his brows angrily at Fluttershy and for a moment, many of the ponies present flashed concerned looks as if they might have to stop the old wizard from a magical assault. Instead, he opted for his normal route of screaming. “Grogar can’t die, he’s immortal!”

Silence once more descended upon the room. The modern ponies all put on quiet looks of confusion while a heavy stillness of dread came over the Pillars.

Applejack cleared her throat. “Okay… So… on behalf of Sunset Shimmer, I’d like to say… ‘Okay. Just. What?’”

“Bhah! Bhah! BhaaaaAAAaaaaah!” Star Swirl bleated. “It would be quicker to show you all!” he said as his horn burned brightly with his white magic. The magic swirling about Star Swirl’s horn went from white to gray, to grey (a darker shade of gray), dark-gray, dark-grey ( a darker shade of dark-gray), super-dark-gray, super-dark-grey (oddly, a lighter shade than super-dark-gray) then finally black. Black that soon entered his eyes and covered his body in a twisting, swirling aura of darkness. A beam of pure-anti light shot from Star Swirl’s horn and stopped in mid-air, creating a swirling disk that opened in the room to the sounds of sickly tearing, screaming, and the pitiful, hopeless moans of the downtrodden.

Everyone stared at the shifting mass of black in the middle of the room in shock, it was so dark in fact, that light around it seemed to be sucked in, dimming the area around it.

“Erm… Did… Did Star Swirl just make an evil hole?” Fluttershy said.

“Well, I am an expert on holes,” Pinkie assured, “having dug a thousand or more myself…” She pointed at the swirling vortex with a forehoof. “That one is definitely the evilest hole I’ve ever seen.

“Must be what his back end looks, like,” Applejack quipped much to the delight of the Pillars present.

Twilight sighed. “AJ, Pinkie, Fluttershy…” she uttered in the most chastising tone she could muster which wasn’t much of one at all.

“Alright,” Star Swirl said. “Everypony pile into my hole!”

With much griping, trepidation, and not an undue amount of near panic, everypony piled into the swirling vortex that quickly seemed to collapse on itself, disappearing without a trace.

“Hello? Hello?!” Sunset Shimmer called out as pushed open one of the dual doors to the throne/map/table room, her mane now a bit more of a tousled mess than it had been when she left. “Anypony here?”

“Oh hey, Sunset!” Order called from the table to the sound of tiny clanking plates. “You just missed the gang.”

“Oh, hi Order,” Sunset greeted in a casual tone. She trotted up to the table, eyebrows pre-locked in the ‘unamused’ position. “Did they head off to do something stupid?”

The door on the top of the table opened and Order appeared. “Oh, the stupidest. Star Swirl pulled them into a dark pocket dimension, or something… He kept going on about a goat.”

“Okay. Just. What?” Sunset replied.

Order shrugged. “I wasn’t really paying attention ‘ta be honest. I’ve dealt with the old codger enough times that I learned to subconsciously tune him out if he talks fer more than a sentence or two.”

Sunset simply nodded. “Yes. That certainly follows.”

Order glanced up at Sunset’s mane. “What happened to ‘yer ‘do there, Sunny?”

Sunset glanced up. “Oh, this? Yeah, that’s all sex hair.”

Order simply smiled and nodded. “Hah! Lot’a that going around!”

Suddenly the double doors flew open and a very happy, very satisfied, small purple-and-green dragon appeared. “Sunset!” he exclaimed as he got a running start to hug the moderately surprised alicorn.

“Ooff! Hey, Spike! You’re in a good mood.”

“I got laid!” Spike said. “Several times!”

Sunset nodded. “Lot of that going around…”

An off-white unicorn with her normally perfectly coiffed mane appeared in the doorway, her mane clearly having been tussled. Thoroughly. “Darings, Darlingss, darlingsssh… Ya know what would really help, dearestistsis?! Icesh packsh! Sheveral of them. Maybe even a tub of icesh water. Twiliight? Where do you keep your icesh?””

“Uh, hey Rarity,” Sunset greeted. “It’s just us here…” Sunset looked down at the dragon still hugging her. “Is she drunk again?”

Spike nodded. “The first few rounds where slow and sober but then Rarity said she wasn’t ‘inebriated’ enough to let me do certain things to her…” Spike grinned widely. “She fixed that in a hurry!”

“Sunshet, dearesht!” Rarity cried.

Sunset chuckled. “Watch that second syllable on the name would yo-OOF!” Sunset to her left and to her right, observing she was being held on tightly by both Spike and Rarity. She took a quick whiff of the air. “Man… It’s a good thing I already smelled like sex.”

At Least All the Terrifying Sights Distract Everypony from the Smells!

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As the group walked on a small, rocky, floating pathway that twisted and forked through the dark void of colors, like dark blue-purple paint swirling amongst pitch black ink, Star Swirl couldn’t help but think about a bunch of whiners they were and how lucky they all were to have him. The mares especially on both counts.

Perhaps the swirling vortex was scary to those with an untrained visual cortex, but Star Swirl was such a master of portals that he couldn’t help but chortle. Any mage overcome with rage could set their aims on creating simply flames. However, only a real wizard could navigate the reality blizzard that was entailed to unfurl the twisted paths between worlds.

Yes, the journey was full of twists, turns, peculiar mists, and the occasional third-degree burn. Still, it was undeniable that most everypony who followed Star Swirl, whether they wanted to or not, was being rather vocal in their concerns regarding strange maelstroms of power that seemed deadly, but were in fact, much more dangerous than any pony here, except of course for Star Swirl himself, could possibly imagine!

That didn’t change the fact that everypony was being a bunch of hopeless mopers and complainers and this extraplanar travel.

Again, the mares were especially noteworthy here. Look, it wasn’t like Star Swirl wore bells just because they were a timelessly fashionable accessory that ponies never seemed to embrace probably because of said ponie’s obvious idiocy and inadequacies. It also helped ponies find him in those dark places where the visual sensory turns to treachery and light becomes just a simple memory! Provided, of course, aforementioned ponies weren’t having their insides slowly digested by void spiders.

“Er, Star Swirl, sir?” Sunburst called out tentatively.

Applejack let out a heavy sigh. “Could ‘ya just leave him be?” she asked in an exasperated tone. “Ah know yer more freaked out than anypony here with all the carryin’ on you’ve been doing, but it’s only gonna get worse if—”

“Be SILENT female-farm-yokel!” Star Swirl snapped.

“THAT!” Applejack exclaimed, nodding irritably in the direction of Star Swirl. “If that happens,” she added in a glum mumble.

“Er… Apologies, Star Swirl the Bearded, Sir. Far be it for me to question a wizard of such renown,” Sunburst began.

Pinkie giggled to herself. “Hey, Sunburst, I think you’ve got a little brown on your muzzle there—” Pinkie was suddenly cut off by the sound of angrily jingling-bells, a ‘SWAT’ from Star Swirl’s hat, and more jingling as the irate unicorn floated his pointed hat back atop his head. “I kinda, sorta, maybe, deserved that,” Pinkie admitted. Her eyes narrowed to the width of knife blades directed at Star Swirl. “But definitely not from you…” she hissed out.

Sunburst eked out a worried “Ehh…” as he glanced at Pinkie then turned back toward Star Swirl. “Just… Are you sure it’s safe for this many ponies to be… wherever or whenever we are?”

“Simply keep to that path and follow me,” Star Swirl instructed as his eyes snapped back to face forward. “Otherwise you’ll fall off into the twisted void and be torn to shreds over the course of thousands of years…”

Starlight’s brow furrowed. “Wouldn’t you die of dehydration first, or even immediately after the aforementioned ‘being torn to shreds’?”

“Oh, your body will stop functioning after a brief bout of every molecule in your body being set on fire, frozen, and smashed all at once,” Star Swirl said, “but your soul and consciousness remain as the swirling masses of energy slowly wear them away into nothing.”

The Element Bearers all tensed, then slowly gravitated toward the center of the path.

Starlight cast a wary glance towards the edge. “Thanks for your concern,” she said flatly.

“Oh, you can take a running leap right off if it suits you,” Star Swirl quipped. “I only need the other pillars, Element Bearers, and my new protégé!”

Sunburst smiled to himself as he began to carry himself with a bit more confidence.

Starlight shot Star Swirl an icy stare and turned to look at Twilight as she hung back to talk to her teacher.

Twilight simply gave Starlight a nervous smile and shrugged slightly.

Starlight groaned. “This has got to be like… a dozen friendship lessons I’ve passed today or something. I mean… just look all the disintegrating I’m not doing!”

Twilight frowned. “Okay, but that would sort of prove Star Swirl's point about you.”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “‘I told you so’s’ don’t work unless you're around to say them, Twilight.”

Applejack peered upward and took a moment to pat the top of her head with a forehoof. “Hey. Has anypony seen my hat?” She asked, only feeling hair.

Pinkie spoke up. “Er, I think I saw it fly off when we took a sharp turn away from that gelatinous ooze monster that smelt like a glass of milk that had gotten forgotten under the bed for too long and then Fluttershy fainted…” Pinkie giggled to herself. “Good thing I carry smelling salts in my hair for fainting emergencies!”

Fluttershy half walked, half stumbled with the group, her eyes drifting one place to the next as if searching for a safe place to stare, but finding none. “I think I’d be better off unconscious…”

Starlight cocked an eyebrow in Pinkie’s direction. “You keep glasses of milk under your bed?”

Pinkie giggled. “Yeah! Like… you know when you really want to eat cookies in bed, but you don’t want to get up to get a glass of milk?”

“I… uh, no,” Starlight said. “I can honestly say I have no frame of reference for that particular feeling.”

Somnambula scoffed. “No wonder this one turned evil.”

“Hey!” Starlight protested. “It’s not a normal thing! Applejack, you’re boring—”

“I’m a hat short on a short temper, Starlight, so watch it a little.”

“Er, right… But… Do you keep glasses of milk under your bed?”

“No, that’s crazy!” Applejack said.

Looking at Pinkie, Starlight motioned in Applejack’s direction.

“Ah mean, there are metal containers specifically for keepin’ milk,” Applejack said. “I use those.” Applejack let out a short “Hyuk” before continuing, “Nothing like a fresh glass of room temperature milk in the mornin’…”

“What?!” Starlight exclaimed as she stared at Applejack in disbelief. She turned towards Fluttershy. “Fluttershy, do you keep milk under your bed?”

Fluttershy smiled. “Well, sure! I mean… I have a lot of baby animals who need milk during the night.”

Mage Meadowbrook tittered to herself. “An you never know when you need ta make a milk potion in bed!”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Right, because that’s a thing.”

“Uh, Starlight?” Twilight interjected with a nervous grin and a blush as she nodded towards Mage Meadowbrook.

Starlight sighed. “Really?!” She looked towards Mistmane. “Mistmane, do you keep milk under your bed just in case you need to drink it?”

“Oh, me?” Mistmane chuckled. “No, of course not.”

“Finally,” Starlight huffed out.

“Though, keeping it there in case I need to both feed and water my plants in the middle of the night might be a good idea...”

“Oh, you’ve got to be-Rockhoof?”

Rockhoof took a moment to flex. “How do you think I maintain such mountainous muscles, lass? Not drinking milk at all hours of the day and night? Perish the thought!”

Starlight’s eyes on focused as a worried look came over her face. “Seriously…? Am I the only one who doesn’t keep milk under their bed?!”

Star Swirl let out a disgusted “Bleh! Are you crazy ponies talking about keeping perishable animal fatty protein juice under your beds?” He shook his head. “What nonsense is that, even?”

Starlight inhaled sharply. “I’m going to start keeping milk under my bed… I’m going to keep so much milk ponies will think I’m starting a cheesery…” she muttered to herself.

“Well, anyway,” Applejack continued, “So… Do you think we can get the hat back?”

“It’s gone, AJ,” Twilight said flatly.

“Ah know…” Applejack lamented. She sighed heavily.

Fluttershy peered curiously at Applejack. “Er… Don’t you have a closet full of those hats?”

“We’ll sure!” Applejack said. “But Ah’d feel a lot safer in this unnatural place with a nice hat on my head.”

Somnambula smirked at Applejack, “And what, pray tell, do you think your hat will protect you from?”

“Havin’ to look at that,” Applejack pointed off into the distance towards dozens of gleaming, dull red orbs held in a furry, oblong shape above a pair of jagged, massive shear-like mandibles and an another, massive oblong shape with eight sectioned hair-covered legs. At first glance, it seemed to be simply floating in the vast emptiness of the realm, but briefly, long, thin strands of a dark, silvery sheen were briefly visible, the creature clearly sitting in the middle of a web of some sort that was anchored towards part of the path and two pillars of unreality.

Pinkie reached into her curls and pulled out an entire cowboy hat. “Here you go, Applejack!”

Applejack regarded the hat with confusion for a moment, then put it on. “Thanks, Cuz! You just happened to have that on ya?”

Pinkie smiled and nodded. “Of course! I always have a spare hat in case of hat emergencies! I also keep a few books for Twilight, gems for Spike, bandages for Rainbow Dash, birdseed for Fluttershy, and a small sewing kit for Rarity… Ooo! Ooo! And some heavy sedatives if Starlight is having an off day.”

“Pinkie!” Twilight called out in a chastising tone.

“No, no,” Starlight said. “That’s fine. Pinkie can stop carrying sedatives when I’ve proven I don’t need them.”

Sunburst took a few fleeting glances at the terrible void creature before averting his gaze. “Uh umm…” he swallowed. “I’m sure it’s more scared of us than we are of it.”

Rockhoof glanced up at the creature and shuddered. “That is the Great Desiccator of the Swamps of Infinite Unpleasantness. He, in fact, feeds on fear, and also souls if you stare at his myriad eyes for too long.”

The ponies all immediately averted their gazes.

Meadowbrook simply rolled her eyes. “Jeff,” she said as she tossed up a quick smile and waved. “The Spider’s name is Jeff, or a reasonable facsimile in Dire-Dread-Void spider, speech. And he’s perfectly agreeable once you take the time to get to know him.”

“Oh, really?” Fluttershy said with interest.

Meadowbrook flinched slightly. “Maybe not get to know him quite that well.”

“Ooooh, yesss…” Mistmane cooed in agreement as she looked up and winked. “I’ve had him caught in my web many times.”

“… You mean ‘you’ve been caught in his web’, right?” Starlight said.

“Hahaha, no,” Mistmane replied.

Fluttershy glanced up. “Huh… I didn’t think spiders could blush.”

“Oh, Jeff is not blushing,” Mistmane said. “That redness means he’s ready to ma—”

“Cease your repulsive conversation!” Star Swirl ordered. “Your basic mare instincts disgust me!”

Somnambula let out a quick guffaw. “Oh, there’s nothing basic about Mistmane’s needs.”

“Well, cease your nauseating discussion at once!” Star Swirl commanded. “It is distracting important details regarding the Pony of Shadows’ defeat.”

“Don’t you already know how you’ll defeat him?” Applejack asked.

“Yes,” Star Swirl answered. “These details are for after his defeat.”

Twilight looked forward with a hopeful, if confused look. “I thought you were going to be trapped in Limbo once more.”

“Oh, we are,” Star Swirl said, “These instructions are for you, Useless Strumpet. There needs to be far more statues of my greatness spread across the land… At least 12! And a parade that stretches all the land and lasts for weeks!” Star Swirl shook his head. “There has been a notable lack of statues of my greatness since I arrived!”

“But I showed you my collection when I got you into the castle!” Twilight griped.

“NOT BIG ENOUGH!” roared Star Swirl. “I only trust you’ll do a better job than those overrated timekeeper brats!”

There was a beat of silence as the ponies present mulled over Star Swirl’s words.

Starlight dropped her eyelids. “You mean Princess Celestia and Princess Luna,” she said in an annoyed, yet unsurprised tone of voice. “The princess who control day and night…”

“Yes, the original big disappointments outside of the pillars!” Star Swirl said. “At least they had the excuse of just being fillies when I left.” Star Swirl glared at Twilight. “What’s yours and all of Equestria throughout history’s excuse?!”

Twilight shot Star Swirl a hurt look and opened her mouth up and down, yet no sound came out.

“Hey, leave Twilight alone!” Pinkie exclaimed. “She’s still your biggest fan for some stupid reason! If Twilight had her druthers she’d smother Equestria in Star Swirl parades and statues!”

“Annoying Pink-girl-mare-thing, shut up so I can hear myself think!” Star Swirl declared.

Pinkie pursed her lips and wrinkled her muzzle. “Don’t go to sleep…” she whispered out in a harsh warning tone. “Don’t go to sleep…”

“We’re here!” Star Swirl declared as he motioned upwards.

Everypony present looked up a set of foreboding, rocky steps, each one looking like it was more a climb then a simple trot up. These steps were flanked on either side by jutting pillars of obsidian or some similar sharp and hard substance full of dark promises of lacerating injuries if they were touched. Together, they formed the entryway to an ominous ziggurat that seemed to ooze malice and ominous chanting just from a glance.

Fluttershy let out a terrified “Meep” as she curled into a shaking yellow ball with long, pink strands of her mane and tail sticking out.

Applejack turned. “Ah’m jus’ gonna take my chances with the fear eatin’ spider or one of the soul grindin’ vortexes, thanks.”

Twilight stood in front of Applejack and gave the orange pony a disapproving look. “I’m sure it’s not as bad as it looks!” Twilight insisted.

“Verily,” Rockhoof quipped. “It is infinitely worse.”

Applejack scrunched her face in determined irritation and motioned to Rockhoof with a foreleg.

Twilight just sighed. “Please, AJ? Just bear with this a bit longer…” Twilight offered Applejack a smile. “Who knows? Maybe you’ll grow to appreciate the mystical forces at play here!”

“DUMB MARES SHUT UP AND ASCEND THE STAIRS OF UNENDING TERROR AND DESPAIR!” Star Swirl hollered.

Twilight’s smile suddenly turned nervous and pleading as she continued to stare at Applejack.

Applejack just sighed as she turned and the group began clambering up the massive steps. “The things Ah do for friendship…” she uttered.

Mage Meadowbrook, Somnambula, and Mistmane all clambered on top of Rockhoof’s massive back, each giggling to themselves, especially Somnambula who nearly fell off in a drunken torpor several times and had to be helped up by the other two girls. Rockhoof simply smiled slightly to himself as he took large strides to climb up the massive steps.

“Wait,” Pinkie said as she leaned her head down and scooped the terrified Flutter-ball onto her back. She began bouncing up each step as Fluttershy let out small, but clearly terrified sounds that seemed to increase in pitch and desperation with each jump. “If Star Swirl is supposed to be good, why does this thing look like the birthplace of all evil and also something named the “stairs of unending terror and despair?”

“The name is metaphorical, simpleton!” Star Swirl answered as he floated himself over each step.

Starlight’s nose wrinkled as her forehead tightened. “Okay, but that doesn’t answer Pinkie’s ques—”

“Also, the name is quite literal,” Star Swirl said. “Everypony step and float lively!”

The ponies suddenly double-timed up the steps. Sunburst slipped several times and let out terrified, high-pitched shrieks until Twilight took him in a magenta glow and floated him onto her back. Starlight regarded this with a scoff of annoyance as she levitated herself up, quickly followed by Twilight who flew herself and the—now much calmer—Sunburst.

Huffing, puffing, and only crying and screaming lightly, the group made it to the top where almost all present proceeded to collapse onto the smooth, pitch-black surface of the ziggurat.

Star Swirl, the only pony still on his hooves after the climb, motioned with a forehoof so emphatically his bells rung once more. “THERE!” he declared, motioning up to what one might describe as a sacrifice altar if they had working eyesight, “There Grogar is, clearly not dead!”

As worn out, sad, and scared as the ponies where the ‘animal’ before them standing over a low podium caused each one to freeze in place. Like smoldering coals, glowing red eyes framed by bushy white eyebrows regarded them with silent disdain. A pair of pointed, predator-like ears sat next to a set of massive, curved horns jutting up from his skull before they began curving forward to sharp points ending just before his tusk-laden, fang-filled maw. If there was ever a creature designed for death, this was it.

After a brief bout of terror-riddled silence, Pinkie broke the quiet. “Clearly undead is more like it!”

Star Swirl rolled his eyes. “Well done, obnoxious pink one. Yes. There are many ways to say the same thing.”

Applejack stared at Grogar intently, her emerald eyes quivering as if they wanted to break eye contact with the animal but dared not for fear that one glance away would spell her doom. “Ya know, if I knew ‘evil goat’ was going to be what’d top the list of horrible, horrible things Ah’d see today I’d have tried to drown myself with my bed-milk.”

“Say hello, Grogar,” Star Swirl said nonchalantly.

Grogar let out a long, low bleat that seemed to reverberate through the entire ziggurat and unreality of the plane.

“I’m afraid of goats now…” uttered Fluttershy weekly. “Me. Fluttershy…”

Seemingly mostly indifferent to what she was seeing and experiencing, Starlight hopped onto the alter next to Grogar and took a look at the podium. “Oh hey! There’s some sort of book here bound in the flesh of ponies.”

“How can you tell that at a glance?!” Twilight exclaimed.

Starlight continued. “And it’s written in Old Ponish…” Starlight smiled. “With rather pretty calligraphy,” she quipped as she looked over the bold rune-like words with sharp, almost dagger-like points to them.

Grogar let out a small, content bleat which once again ran through the ponies like a hungry ghost sipping on their souls.

“Huh…” Starlight said as she looked over the text. “Looks like names and titles that have mostly been crossed out… The Sirens… The Pony of Shadows… Tirek is on here a few times, Chrysalis is on a bunch but crossed out every time… Oh… the last one is The Pony of Shadows again, but not crossed out.”

Grogar casually stepped up and closed the book, letting out a short bleat that created another cascade of chills.

“Ah-HAH!” Applejack exclaimed. “Ah knew the goat was ev-“

Grogar suddenly made a throaty sound accompanied by a viscous midnight-blue substance that erupted from his mouth in a spray, coating everypony present.

The ponies unfamiliar to being covered in Grogar’s mouth secretions all froze in place with looks all but shouting they had made a terrible mistake, or perhaps several, this day.

Somnambula wiped the slime away from her face. “I need to be far drunker for this…” she uttered.

“Ah concur,” Mage Meadowbrook quipped.

“I did not consent to this!” Mistmane exclaimed.

Rockhoof simply uttered a quiet, “Must this happen every time we visit the goat?”

“Yeeeesss! Yeeeeeesss!” Star Swirl hollered jubilantly as the blue-black substance dripped from his beard, hat, and cape. “Let the magnificence of Grogar’s power slime flow through you and fill your being with knowledge and strength!”

Pinkie swallowed. “I mostly feel icky and violated… and if anypony knows the good feeling that’s supposed to accompany being covered in goo that’s me.”

Mistmane let out a scoff.

“Oh, and Mistmane apparently,” Pinkie added as Mistmane gave her a smile and approving nod.

“This is jus’… the worst…” Applejack said as she took off her hat and threw it as far into the endless blackness of the realm as she could. “Please, the sane ponies here support me in agreein’ that this is the worst.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Starlight said as a near euphoric look came over her. “It feels pretty good once you get used to it! It tingles in all the right places!”

“Ah stand by my previous statement.”

With another sharp squeal and groaning tear like reality was being ripped asunder, a swirling hole once again appeared in the throne room depositing the midnight blue covered ponies in Twilight’s map room.

Sunset peered curiously at the group, Spike still embracing the orange alicorn and smiling contently to himself. “Where the heck did everypony go?” Sunset asked she looked over the group as they began to disperse. “And why is everypony covered in malevolent ectoplasm?”

Fluttershy trotted past Sunset, her eyes wide and staring off into nothing. “W-we all g-got into St-Sar Swirls ma-ma-magical hole and met his g-g-g-goat,” she stuttered out as she journeyed towards the door of the room.

“A goat that got sticky-sicky-icky goo all over everything! Eww!” Pinkie shrilled as she bounced past Sunset and out of her room.

Sunset’s left eye began to twitch. “Please tell me that’s just bad phrasing.”

“Well, yeah, but the truth ain't much better, really.” Applejack shook her head. “Worse, even. Plus, like… Apparently, there’s this tiny dog that lives in Twilight’s table that got into it with the old goat? Er… The bell wearing wizard old goat, not the literal old goat.”

Sunset chuckled. “Right. You mean Order.“

Applejack’s face twisted in annoyance. “Okay, did everypony know about this dog except for Pinkie, Fluttershy, and me?”

“Um… And me!” Sunburst said.

Applejack shook her head. “Next thing Ah’m gonna hear if Spike knew about the freakin’ table dog!”

“Er, I guess you didn’t hear me… that’s fine,” Sunburst said as he dejectedly walked out of the room.

“Oh,” Spike looked up from his hug, “you mean my main canine pal, Order?”

Applejack let out a terrible snarl of frustration.

“You guys are talkin’ about Order, right?” Spike repeated.

Sunset looked down. “Spike, I know you’re like… super happy about my help, but maybe you should go find Rarity and try to keep her from seeing anypony covered in the clearly evil slime.”

Rarity’s horrified shriek echoed out into the room.

“Whoops, too late…” Sunset said.

Spike smiled to himself. “It’s okay!” He began to strut away backward from Sunset. “Sounds like somepony needs a big dose of TLC! Which stands for tender love and care.”

“We know, Spike,” Sunset said dryly with a somewhat amused expression.

“Also, a big dose of DDD,” Spike added as he made ‘claw guns’ at Applejack and Sunset.

“What’s that stand for?” inquired Applejack.

“Why, double-dragon-dicking, of course!” Spike said with a giant grin on his face.

“Ah really should stop askin’ questions…” uttered Applejack.

“Alright, Spike! Just go!” Sunset exclaimed. She watched a few more slime soaked ponies file out of the room, all shaking in wide-eyed horror and disgust. Noteably in quite different states where Star Swirl, who seemed to be in a trance everypony else was ignoring, and also Starlight who had an askew smile slashed across her face as she pranced out of the room.

“So, what did I do while I you were all away, you ask?” Sunset intoned.

Applejack let out a heavy sigh. “I specifically, and purposely didn’t, but yer gonna tell me anyway…”

Sunset continued. “I ducked away to my dimension for some sweet, impromptu bathroom sex with a high-schooler and then came back to get hugged by afterglow Spike and Rarity for a while until Rarity stumbled off to ‘freshen up’.” Sunset chuckled. “Spike was so happy he just held me for a while.”

Applejack’s left eye twitched. “Ah needed to know none of that…”

Sunset grinned wryly, “Just wanted to make a point that at least some ponies here are having a good time while you all embark down Star Swirl’s dank magic holes and get goat-slimed.”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at Sunset. “You like having a lot of salt with your meals, don’t you, Sunset?”

Sunset’s smile grew and she shrugged her shoulders. “They say sodium is a great preservative! Gotta keep my looks and spirit preserved to deal with all the… today… today has been!”

Star Swirl’s head suddenly flew back as white beams of light fired from eyes all to the sound of goo-muffled bells. “Grogar’s power slime has given me a vision! I know how to defeat the Pony of Shadows! I shall tell everypony immediately!”

“Like that!” Sunset said motioning to Star Swirl. “Exactly like that!”

Mistmane’s chastising voice called out from down the hall, “Oh, go cleanse yourself of slime, you old coot!”

“I shall tell everypony in five minutes!”

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Star Swirl, through great application of his even greater knowledge and a heaping helping of Grogar’s goat goo, had done it again! Or rather, he would soon do what needed to be done to restore the glory of Equestria’s sun to the unworthy and unwashed ponies of the land. Yes, soon victory would be at… some sort of fictional appendage that rhymes with ‘land.’

Again, it was almost unbelievable at how this bearded master of magic could make the impossible conceivable. Why, who knew what these rubes would do without Star Swirl’s shrewd views being the glue that keeps the planet un-hewed? This magical gumshoe had accrued the knowledge to break through even the toughest of evil voodoo! Once again, it was him through which all evil would withdrew, and goodness once again renew! Only he had the know how to subdue all that was taboo!

All he asked in return was a ‘thank you’ and perhaps a few dozen statues.

So, without further ado, he would soon share his plan to make the unwelcome say ‘adieu’! For only he had the knowledge accrued to—

“Star Swirl?” a deep voice belonging to a giant, fat imbecile interrupted. “Perhaps you could stop your monologuing and share with us your brilliant plan!”

Star Swirl glared a wizardly scowl at the large, overweight moron that had dared to interrupt him! “Rockhoof, you massive, bloated fool! What have I told you about interrupting me when I’m in my rhymezone?!”

Rockhoof offered Star Swirl a small nod. “Apologies, but Sunset Shimmer implored you several times to stop otherwise she’d attack.”

“No…” Sunset hissed out angrily. “What I said was: ‘you changed tenses, and you should stop because we have things to do, so knock it off unless you want to be run through or turned into a barbeque!”

“Sunset…” Twilight uttered in a somewhat pleading tone.

“Bite me, Sparkles!” Sunset snapped back irritably. “The bearded idiot and I have unfinished business, and I’m only putting up with this dumpster fire of events because of the supposed world-ending being - or as I like to call it, ‘flavor of the week;’ you’re insisting he’s going to help us defeat!”

Twilight clamped her mouth shut as she looked worriedly at the other ponies and one dragon in the room. Everypony had apparently gotten most of whatever urges they needed taken care of out of their system, followed by a shower to wash off unwelcome - or in some cases overly welcome, fluids. Spike was particularly noteworthy in that regard, as Twilight had to magically apprehend the dragon and force him into a bath since he refused to wash after his sexcapades with Rarity.

This involved dodging fireballs.

Thankfully, Rarity eventually offered to help wash Spike…

Twilight had taken this as her queue to leave, pushing back the rather confusing and muddled moral quandary of “just how old IS Spike in pony terms” in favor of the potentially world-ending cataclysm and the solution that might cost the pillars once more… and also her house.

Despite that, the tempers of several members in the room had kept the atmosphere tense. Admittedly, Twilight herself running around and grabbing loads of books to pore over frantically probably didn’t help the mood.

Star Swirl’s bushy brows furrowed in frustration. “Wait, what other world-ending problems have beset this world?”

“Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie piped up as she hopped up and down. “Discord tried to take over the world! But he got better!”

Rarity stared upwards and considered this statement for a moment. “I suppose that much is true, but to what degree of ‘better’ he is now is really a matter of opinion…”

Spike spoke up, “Chrysalis has tried to take over the world so many times it’s not even funny.”

Starlight snorted out a laugh. “Well, it’s a little bit funny.”

Star Swirl sneered. “Neither of these problems are foreign to me, but I must say how disappointed I am that you haven’t dealt with them permanently.”

Sunset narrowed her eyes at Star Swirl. “Well, the Sirens you so expertly banished just harassed another world for a century or more… In fact, they’re still doing it to a not-insignificant degree.” She let out a sad sigh. “And now whenever my crotch gets an itch I have a meltdown and consider getting it checked by the doctor.”

Mistmane chuckled and trotted over to Sunset, putting a comforting hoof on the orange alicorn’s shoulder. “Oh, I understand that feeling very well…”

Sunset smiled back. “I appreciate the sympathy, but might I say I’m glad I know you just washed that hoof?”

Mistmane nodded. “Yes, that’s understandable.”

“Er,” Sunburst tilted his head slightly, “Tirek came back once and nearly stole all Equestrian magic.”

“Whaaaat?!” Star Swirl exclaimed in disbelief. “How did that shrivelled old mummy—”

“Look who’s talking!” Sunset quickly quipped.

“—best Cerberus?!”

“Yeah, try ignoring me you old wind-bag! We’ll see how long you can keep THAT up!”

Star Swirl’s right eye began to twitch.

Fluttershy tittered to herself. “Oh no, the poor doggy got bored and wandered off.”

“Oh, I’m going to give that beast the tongue lashing of the century!” Star Swirl assured.

Sunset cringed. “Christ… could you imagine listening to him drone on and on with three sets of ears? No wonder Cerberus wandered off. He probably remembered the times when Star Swirl was still around, and just kind of meandered randomly in a fugue state of total dread.”

A series of chuckles made their way through the crowd of ponies and single dragon present.

Star Swirl cleared his throat. “We shall proceed as soon as all irrelevant ponies, and demonic monstrosities, leave the room!”

Receiving a somewhat pleading look from Twilight, Starlight and Spike sighed heavily and quietly left the room. Sunset Shimmer simply narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, try and make me, bitch!”

Star Swirl shot Sunset the tiniest of simmering glares before continuing, “Now that some of the rabble has cleared out.”

—“Yeah, that’s what I buckin’ THOUGHT!”— quipped Sunset.

Star Swirl clamped down on his teeth slightly and continued, “Through yet another glorious, and completely necessary sacrifice, of myself, the Pillars, and the Elements of Harmony, we will triumph over this evil Pony of Shadows.”

“Wait, what the actual fuck?!” Sunset and Rainbow Dash said in unison, both their eyes firing open wide in surprise.

Flash Magnus simply let out a sad sigh. “Well… it was fun while it lasted…” he lamented.

Sunset grunted in displeasure. “I’m too pissed off to touch that one. Somepony help me out!”

Pinkie grinned widely. “That’s what she said!” she shrilled.

“Thanks, Pinkie,” Sunset said.

Sunburst looked over at Sunset. “Oh, I guess you three weren’t in here when Star Swirl first mentioned his plan.”

“Obviously not!” Sunset exclaimed in an irritated tone. “Otherwise I’d have pointed out how bell-cape-and-hat-shittingly stupid it was!”

Pinkie’s face contorted in confusion. “Okay, a cape I can see, but how would somepony get crap on a hat?”

Sunset turned and stared directly at Star Swirl. “You just put it on a big pile of pony-shaped excrement!”

Star Swirl wordlessly glowered back at Sunset.

Sunset simply smirked back. “So, are you ready to admit defeat yet? I mean, you can pretend you still have dignity if you want, but believe me, I can keep this up for as long as it takes to break your sorry ass. Just ask Celestia.”

Twilight let out a heavy sigh. “Sunset, please! Let the pony speak.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure… I have no doubt it’ll all be just as disappointing as him,” she replied dryly.

Star Swirl motioned dramatically in front of him. “Through archaic secrets too complex for you simple ponies to understand, the Pillars and I shall once again heroically sacrifice ourselves with the use of the Elements we created! Again, the Elements of Harmony will be consumed completely!”

“See?” Sunset added simply with a roll of her eyes.

Fluttershy tilted her head slightly. “Uh… that sounds like what you all told us earlier.”

“Yeah!” Applejack cried in a cross tone. “What was the point of being covered in yer goat’s mouth-hole mucus if you were jus’ gonna suggest the same plan you had before we went through your dark, swirling hole?!”

Rarity quickly raised a forehoof to her mouth as she muffled the sound of her own retching.

Sunset’s lips twisted into themselves. “You know, somedays I wonder if I’m missing out on a lot more adventures I’d like to go on by sticking on the human side of the portal… Not today.”

“Why, the answer is so obvious and simple, even a double-dimwitted farm-mare like yourself should be able to see it!”

Applejack glowered angrily at Star Swirl. “Can we put Sunset starting a Star Swirl bonfire to a vote?”

Sunset, along with pretty much every mare in the room, nodded their heads vigorously. There were even a few approving nods and wistful grins from Rockhoof and Flash Magnus.

“No!” Twilight said forcefully.

A series of disappointed sighs and moans escaped the group.

“Well,” Mage Meadowbrook began, “what insights did ya get from Grogar?”

“Hah!” Star Swirl said. “Why, it’s so obvious—”

“We WENT through this already!” Somnambula cried out angrily. “Just get on with it and tell us, you old coot!” She shook her head in annoyance. “Why does that stupid slime have sobering properties? I’m not drunk enough for any of this.”

“No sophomoric substances until I expose my great genius!”

“Ugh… again, pissed off,” Sunset said. “Someone want to take that one for me?”

“Oh, uh…” Fluttershy thought for a moment. “I’m sure it’s much… er… a lot smaller than he’s letting on…”

“Thanks, Fluttershy,” Sunset said with a grin.

Fluttershy gave Sunset a small smile.

“Hey!” Order’s deep muffled voice called out from the table. “Are you all making fun of the horrible old man up there?!” he added as the sound of tiny doggy feet running up tiny stairs was heard as the micro-dog appeared once more atop the table. “Without me?!” he said in a slightly hurt tone.

Sunset gave Order a slight nod. “‘Sup, Order. I see you’re already familiar with Equestria’s apparently short-term guest, as unwelcome as he’s making himself to be.”

“Sunny-buns Jr. What is up?” Order greeted in return.

“Star Swirl the Incompetent has a plan to get rid of the Pony of Shadows that involved destroying the Elements is what’s up.”

“What?! NO! I need those,” Order stressed. “Their magical powers are critical to the operation of what I do. The lightning bolt gives me electricity, the balloons give me gas to heat up the place, the diamonds give me water—for some reason—the butterflies are also my air conditioning, and the star thingy gives me wifi!”

Sunset raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Wifi?” With a scarlet glow of her horn, Sunset opened up her saddlebags and floated out a rectangular device that she held in front of her face. “Holy crud! I’ve got a signal! And bars!?” Frowning, Sunset raised a forehoof in front of her face. “But no fingers, unfortunately.”

Pinkie grinned widely. “Wifi, or Twifi!”

Sunset let out a groan. “I think I just died a little more inside…”

Applejack looked at Order in interest. “What does the apple do for ya?”

“Oh that? Uh…” Order gave Applejack a terse frown. “You know what? You can have that one. It just makes infinite apples, and I can raid Twilight’s fridge for leftovers.”

Applejack let out an annoyed snort. “Beginnin’ to think Rainbow Dash was right that knowin’ ‘bout ya brings no joy whatsoever…”

Pinkie let out a gasp. “So, that’s where all the tiny bits of Twilight’s leftovers keep disappearing to!”

Order looked over at Pinkie, “Well ‘ya make so much, I didn’t think you’d miss a few tiny-dog sized nibbles.”

Fluttershy suddenly it out a high-pitched squeal of delight and flung herself backward onto the ground.

Mage Meadowbrook and Mistmane hovered over the fallen pegasi. “Are you alright?” Mistmane asked.

“I’ll be fine,” Fluttershy assured as she stared up at the ceiling. “That just sounds soooo… adorable.”

Pinkie and Order resumed attention on each other. “Hey!” Pinkie said in a protesting tone. “When you need 5,000 calories a day to keep your stomach from collapsing and creating a massive pink hole that swallows everything around it, you get grumpy when food is missing!”

Sunset’s eyebrows knit together. “Could everypony stop saying the word ‘hole’ for a good long while? No good is coming out of it.” she glanced at Twilight. “Maybe we can try figuring out a plan that’s far less fecal intensive? I mean, Twilight, you’ve clearly been trying to do some research. Maybe you’ve come up with something?” Sunset asked in a hopeful tone.

Twilight shot Sunset a hopeful glance and floated a book over to the Table of Harmony and opened it to a page. “Well, I’m still reading but—”

“BAH!” Star Swirl bleated dismissively as he took the book in a white glow and quickly floated it away from Twilight. He floated another in its place as Twilight let out a sad whimper and Sunset shot Star Swirl a glare so heated that it was only a half-step away from hat-incineratingly hot.

“That book is far beyond your reasoning, whelp!” Star Swirl declared. “Not that it matters! Every moment we waste is a moment the Pony of Shadows uses to cast Equestria in eternal darkness!”

Sunset raised a forehoof to her forehead, a pained look on her face. “It really doesn’t sound like a big deal.”

“It’s not!” Order insisted. “I’ve been keeping tabs on Equestria with all my tiny spy gear.”

“Oh my gosh, that sounds so adorable!” Fluttershy uttered.

A collection of the ponies present cringed.

“Creepy is far more like it, dearest,” Rarity quipped.

Order continued, “A buncha cities are overcast unexpectedly, and a lot more ponies now know the words to Heleneigh…”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Is that like, some sort of dark song that steals the will and hope from ponies, or somethin’?”

Order’s face contorted in confusion. “No, it’s a…” He let out a quick sigh. “ALEXA,” Order bellowed. A blue ring of light circled the Table of Harmony once before Order continued, “turn the volume to 10!”

A deep, menacing, but oddly weepy voice sounded out, “…BUUUUUUUUUURNING ON JUST LIKE A MAAAAATCH YOU STRIKE TO INCINERAAAAAAAATE…THE LIVES OF EVERYPOOOOOONY YOU KNOOOOOOW…”

“Again, Ah stand by my previous statement.”

“Alexa, set volume to three!”

The song became much quieter, only drifting up softly from the table.

“See!” Order said as he motioned to the table he was standing on.

“Enough of this foolishness!” cried Star Swirl. “It is of the utmost importance that—”

“Big moron with the big stupid beard, shut the Celestia-damn Hell up!” hollered Sunset. “Look! I’m sure ponies can put up with a little less sun and a lot more emo music for a bit longer! Just…” Sunset shook her head. “Everypony disperse for a moment and let Twilight work her magic, literally.” Sunset made a ‘shoo! shoo!’ motion with her wings. “Talk amongst yourselves, go try some new positions in private, whatever! Just give us some space!”

“Very well!” Star Swirl said as he trotted away to look over the book he had confiscated from Twilight. “I could use some time away from you, Strumpet…” He glanced upwards. “All this being around you has somehow caused my hat to become much warmer by quite a few degrees… Come Sunburst! Perhaps a knowledgeable wizard such as yourself could share what advancements in magic have transpired since my absence.”

“Oh, well... I’d be honored!” Sunburst replied as he followed Star Swirl.

“Hah! Score!” Rainbow Dash looped a foreleg around one of Flash Magnus’s. “Literally!” she added with a few bats of her eyelashes as Flash Magnus smirked knowingly back at her.

“Uh, Rainbow?” Applejack called out.

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Don’t tell me. You’re about to rain on my parade harder than a shadowy pony singing along to the Hybridle Theory album.”

“Ah don’t know what that is,” Applejack admitted. “Jus’…” Applejack tossed a wary glance at Flash Magnus. “Uh… maybe you and I could have a word in private?”

“Gee, AJ,” Rainbow replied, “didn’t peg you for the jealous type.”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “You know what? I’ll get straight to the point.”

Rainbow Dash batted her eyelashes at Applejack this time. “Don’t you mean ‘gay’ to the point?”

“That doesn't… we’re both mares and…” Applejack let out a frustrated growl. “Flash Magnus was a well-renowned womanizer, right?”

“Verily!” Flash Magnus replied with a smile on his face.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Oh, like that matters to me.”

“Okay, but… He had lots of kids… Ah mean… You could verily easily be related!”

Rainbow Dash groaned. “Why’d you have to tell me that?!”

“Jus’ lookin’ out for ya… though Ah suppose the damage is already done.”

“I’ll say!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “It’s going to be a lot harder to scream ‘give it to me great, great, great, great, great, daddy’ when we’re doing it!”

Applejack huffed out a sigh. “Well, at least now we both regret this conversation.”

“Oh, like it matters!” Pinkie shrilled out. “Even if they were related, it’s not like it’s close enough to make a difference!”

Applejack’s emerald eyes made a rotation around their sockets. “‘Fer the last time, Pinkie! Big Mac has a marefriend!”

Pinkie’s lower lip began to quiver as her mane deflated a bit. “But he and Marble are perfect for each other!” she lamented.

Sunset grit her teeth. “Everypony disperse quicker and more quietly before I really lose my temper, please!”

Ponies shuffled away from Sunset, some making their way out of the room.

Order’s tiny eyes made a not so tiny rotation around his eye sockets. “Alright, alright… I’d tell you to keep yer shirt on but you already lost it on the trip over.”

Sunset wheeled around to face the tiny dog. “I can’t help that the portal seems to borrow clothes!”

Order smirked. “Yeah, yeah… Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Sunset mirrored the smirk. “That’s a rather short list.”

Chuckling, Order walked back to the tiny trap door on the top of the table, closed it, and the sounds of tiny dog feet padding their way down small stairs could briefly be heard.

Sunset looked over at Twilight who was clearly trying very hard to maintain interest in the book in front of her. “Twilight, we need to talk,” Sunset said.

Twilight glared up at the ceiling in frustration. “I get it. You don’t like Star Swirl. Nopony but Sunburst and I likes Star Swirl!”

Sunset’s brow furrowed in obvious annoyance. “Apparently you don’t get it, because I loathe Star Swirl with every fiber of my being. Every single second he remains breathing is a tiny little gift from me where I’ve decided to begrudgingly accept that there are a handful of ponies who seem to think keeping him around is some sort of crazy ‘net positive’. I had good reason to dislike him before I met him and everything I’ve seen just confirms we should have some sort of pre-funeral pyre for him. And it seems most every pony agrees with that sentiment.”

Twilight groaned. “We can’t just incinerate Star Swirl!”

“Can’t we~?” Sunset warbled with a sardonic smile on her face.

“No!” Twilight exclaimed. “Now, if that was all, I have this…” Twilight frowned as she stared at the book open in front of her. “Basics of Spell Casting book to go over.”

Sunset sighed. “Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk about with you. What’s up with you? Why are you even putting up with this?!” Sunset motioned with a forehoof dramatically. “Where’s the Twilight Sparkle who marched into Canterlot High to win her crown even if it meant dealing with subterfuge and a girl who clearly was not above a little violence to get what she wanted? Where’s the Twilight that stood up to Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Tirek… and Starlight twice…”

“I screwed up, alright!” Twilight cried as she threw her forelegs up into the air. “I screwed up and I’ve got to make this right.”

“So?” Sunset said with a shrug. “Everypony here has messed up from time to time; it doesn’t mean we feel the need to punish ourselves by taking the verbal and physical abuse of a psychotic old man!”

“But this was a big screw up, Sunset!” Twilight insisted as she stared at Sunset with a look so serious a heart attack might suggest it tone it down a bit. “All of Equestria might be at stake! I mean… Can you even relate to that?”

Sunset narrowed her eyes at Twilight.

Twilight sighed. “Okay, sorry… That was out of line…”

Still glowering, Sunset wordlessly pointed to herself.

“I know! I know!” Twilight said. “I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth.”

Wordlessly, Sunset shifted her forehoof to point out the door as she uttered one word, “Starlight.”

“I said I was sorry, alright?!” Twilight snapped, then sighed. “I thought I was doing the right thing with releasing Star Swirl, but instead I released a horrible evil on Equestria!”

“Right!” Sunset agreed. “So, let’s just wrap this up with a quick fireball and be done with it!”

“I’m not talking about Star Swirl!” Twilight snapped. “I’m talking about the Pony of Shadows!”

Sunset sighed. “Oh, that… Honestly, the Pony of Shadows sounds about as big of a threat to Equestria as Trixie when she’s having a bad day. Just that all the Pony of Shadow’s days are bad… I mean, you do still let Trixie run around Equestria.”

“Star Swirl is sure that the Pony of Shadow is a big threat!” Twilight insisted.

Sunset threw a forehoof in the air. “He’s also been out of the loop for 1,000 years, can’t seemingly have a conversation with any pony without shouting them down, and thinks Starlight is some sort of menace to Equestria!”

It was Twilight’s turn to narrow her eyes.

Sunset shot Twilight a chagrined look. “Hey, you’re the one who keeps her around! Anyhow, Starlight at least means well now; even if she still has almost no idea what she’s doing. You gotta admit things would probably be easier on you if she was allowed to help.” Sunset looked around. “Speaking of help, I can’t help but notice a lack of fellow alicorns on account of all the hugs I haven’t received.” Turning back towards Twilight, she asked, “Where are Mom and Auntie Luna?”

“Why would they be here?”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Because an ancient jackass wizard just came out of a prison dimension and this, in turn, released some dark terror…” Sunset though for a moment, tapping her chin. “No… That’s giving it too much credit… Some dark inconvenience… Call me crazy but maybe those two should at least be clued in to what’s going on? As much as I’d like to spare them both the trouble of dealing with Star Swirl, if this is as big of a deal as you say it is, it’d make sense to bring them in on it.”

Twilight shook her head. “I don’t want to trouble them.”

“Just pen a letter and have Spike send it to Mom!” Sunset said as she made an exaggerated writing motion with a forehoof. “I can assure you even with the sort of limited peril every pony is in. This is more important than whatever routine princess stuff Mom is up to.”

In the dimness and cramped confines of the space under her bed, Celestia swallowed hard. “So, it’s come to this…”

“I am afraid so, sister,” Luna said as she stared onwards with an equally concerned look on her face.

Celestia stared sorrowfully at an empty cookie jar. “Well… I suppose if things continue like this, we’ll have no choice…”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Get out from under this bed and face our problems like responsible adults?”

“We’ll have to sit here, even if it means starving to death!” Celestia cried dramatically.

Luna dwelled on this for a moment. “Technically, we’d die of dehydration long before that was an issue…”

“Lulu… If things get desperate… if there is no hope for us…”

“No, really…” Luna continued, “we have likely wasted enough time down here. Perhaps we should check on Twilight.”

Tears began to stream from Celestia’s eyes. “Lulu, if things are at their absolute worst, I want you to eat me… Save yourself.”

“…. Yes, sister. I understand,” Luna replied with a nod.

“… Wait, really? You’re not going to argue with me or assure me there’s still hope?”

Luna shrugged. “Out of the two of us, I thought you would taste the better with all the sweets you consume. Also, you are the larger of us in pretty much every sense of the word. I am sure I could last for weeks feasting on your sweet, large flanks, alone.”

“… Now, wait just a bucking minute!”

Twilight shook her head. “I don’t think—”

“Twilight, they have to be available for something exaggerated to sound like this big of a deal! That is unless Canterlot is literally under attack right now,” Sunset glanced outside a window were the bright white city and castle of Canterlot stood pristinely on a hillside. “Oh, look! It’s not!”

“Sunset, I got this,” Twilight insisted.

“Do you~?” Sunset warbled.

“Yes! I can figure this out, I’m sure of it! Star Swirl, the Pillars, the Elements, my home… There’s got to be a way to save them all!”

Sunset took a deep breath and let it out. “If anypony can figure this out, it’s you, but what do you think is going to happen even if you succeed and manage to save everypony and everything? Do you think Star Swirl is going to do a complete 180 on you and suddenly going to want to become your bestie?! He’s terrible by almost any metric! I mean, even if he did warm up to you—and that’s a huge if—what exactly are you going to get out of it?”

“Er… Somepony to help me with spells?”

“You have Starlight, Sunburst, and me for that.”

“Okay, but Star Swirl knows about old spells!”

“So does a library!” Sunset looked down at the book in front of Twilight and floated it up with a red glow of her horn to examine it. “Oh look! The Basics of Spell Casting by Star Swirl the Bearded! Volume 1!” Sunset began flipping through the pages. “It’s like the old miserable bastard is right here except with slightly less misogyny and annoying bell ringing!”

Twilight lowered her eyelids slightly. “Come on, Sunset. He’s got to have more information than just what he written down in books.”

Sunset glanced over at Star Swirl as he and Sunburst looked over a few of the books Twilight got brought out. In a white aura, Star Swirl floated a mug of a substance most everypony was all too familiar with to Sunburst. “Here, drink up!” Star Swirl said. “I saved the best slime from my beard and body. The goat goo will clear your mind, help you focus, and fill your body with unlimited power!”

Sunburst let out a distressed murmur before quickly chugging down the liquid. This was quickly followed by him coughing and sputtering.

“Goooood! Gooooooooood! Feel the POWER coursing through you!”

Sunset turned back towards Twilight. “You know… I think you’re much better off with just his books even if you do get him to like you…”

“Okay, well… Star Swirl can tell me about life back where he was from!”

“Oh, so can any of the Pillars; and they’ll at least enjoy the experience! Hell! You’re pen-pals with my Mom! If you really wanted to know what life was 1,000 years ago, you’d be Equestria’s second-leading expert!”

Glaring slightly with tightly pursed lips, Twilight inhaled then exhaled through her nose. “Look! I made this mess, and I need to fix it!”

“Did Starlight fix her big mess on her own?! Did I?! Did Starlight?! Did Trixie?! Did Starlight?!”

Twilight gave Sunset an unamused look. “You said ‘Starlight’ three times.”

“Honestly, I think I could drop her name three more times and it’d still be accurate!”

“There’s no need for me to trouble anypony else!” Twilight practically shouted before she turned back to her book. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some, light… nearly weightless, reading to do…” Twilight punctuated her last sentence with a sad sigh as she went back to looking over the book in front of her with a bored expression and idly flipping the pages.

Sunset inhaled deeply, then turned and began storming up to where Star Swirl and Sunburst were busily talking over a series of open books. She quickly identified the book Twilight was looking at earlier and snatched it up in the red glow of her magic.

Turning so fast it filled the room with the sound of bells, Star Swirl bellowed, “WHO DARES DISTURB THE WORK OF A WIZ—” Star Swirl cut off his own sentence abruptly, noting he was face to face with Sunset who wordlessly glowered at him with turquoise eyes filled with promises of a ‘bad time’ - likely of the fiery death sort; should he pursue his current line of annoyance. Opting to toss her a sneer and a scoff, Star Swirl turned back towards his collection of books as Sunburst tossed Sunset a wayward glance and likewise got back to work.

Wordlessly, Sunset took the book back to Twilight, dropped it with a loud ‘bang’ that startled the purple alicorn from her insincere, quickly-turned-sincere reading. Twilight looked down at the book then back up to Sunset, but the fiery-maned mare was already marching herself out of the room.

Starlight and Spike opted to follow. “So uh… How’d it go?” Spike asked as both he and Starlight kept up with Sunset’s forceful march down the hallway.

Sunset let out a heavy sigh. “It’s no good… Twilight wants to fix this mess without involving anypony else. That includes any of the Princesses and presumably anyone who can’t stand Star Swirl or vice versa!”

Spike looked at Sunset in surprise. “Did… Did you point out all the times Twilight has helped others with their big mistakes?!”

“Of course I did!” Sunset said.

Starlight piped up, “Did you mention that she helps fix my mistakes all the time?!”

“Yeah! I gotcha, boo!” Sunset replied.

“And she still wants to work with Star Swirl?!” Spike asked in disbelief.

Sunset let out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know what to tell you two… Twilight won’t let me burn Star Swirl to cinders and she feels bad enough without me trying to beat some sense into her.” Sunset gave Spike and Starlight an unhappy look. “I know everypony is expecting me to wave my magic problem-correcting newspapers around and fix this mess, but Twilight’s needs to figure out what’s right for herself at this point.”

“Does she~?” Spike and Starlight sang in unison.

With a heavy sigh, Sunset closed her eyes, lowered her head, and raised a forehoof to her forehead. Looking back up, she spoke, “Listen, as much as it pains me to be here, I’ll stick around and at least try to damage control this whole mess. I owe Twilight that much…” Sunset’s muzzle and forehead scrunched. “But I need to find something very important first…”

“Uh… Like a magical artifact?” Starlight suggested.

“Oh! Or a powerful new spell that can help!” Spike added.

Sunset shook her head. “Nope. I really need to find a stiff drink… maybe a bar.” She glanced upwards. “No way Star Swirl the Belligerent goes uncooked if I have to power through the rest of the day sober.”

“Perhaps we could help?” a deep voice offered.

The two ponies and dragon turned towards a collection of the Pillars; Flash Magnus and Star Swirl missing from their ranks. In a hazy green aura, Mistmane floated a generous collection of round purple grapes.

Sunset tilted her head to the right as her left eye twitched slightly in a skeptical look she gave to both the grapes and the four ponies in front of her. With a red glow of her horn, she removed a grape from the bunch and popped it into her mouth. Her eyes going wide and pupils going distant as if she could suddenly hear the blood rushing past her ears, Sunset swallowed.

Rockhoof chuckled good-naturedly. “Careful, they have quite the kick to them!”

Sunset simply took the entire bunch of grapes in her magic and began eating them by the hoofful. Giddy faces turned concerned as Sunset emptied the vine of grapes and casually tossed it behind her. “More,” Sunset said simply.

The Pillars present looked upon Sunset in awe.

“Pillars, we have a new sister!” Rockhoof announced boisterously as Mistmane, Mage Meadowbrook, and Somnambula all let out cries of delight.

“Sister! HAH!” Sunset exclaimed as she walked into the center of the group and the five ponies began trotting away. “Give me a few more drinks and you’ll all have a new princess before the day is over!”

Rockhoof let out another hearty chuckle as Somnambula let out a squeal of high-pitched joy.

Starlight and Spike simply watched the group go as Starlight let out a long, sad sigh. “This… is just… the worst…”

“Yeah…” Spike agreed. A smile slowly slithered across his scaly face. “I still got laid, though…”

“Ugh!” Starlight cried as she turned and began trotting away.

“What?!” Spike replied in a protesting tone as he turned his palms forward in a small shrug. “You’re a beautiful mare! I’m sure you can find somepony easily enough.”

“UGH!” Starlight shouted as she continued walking down the hallway.

“Maybe if you ask Sunburst nicely, he would—”

“I said, ‘UGH’, good sir!”

Fire in the Sky

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Though his triumphant return was marred by a mare who still had much to learn and another who liked to burn, Star Swirl the Bearded once again stood on the precipice of ridding the world of what was venomous! Well, specifically the one venomous thing, that dreaded Pony of Shadows whose malice had once again overflowed into the world at a speed that was noteworthily allegro.

While it had seemed this mass of mare madness had dealt with the odd bunch of beastly badness, only Star Swirl had the right combination of intelligence, wisdom, and gender to be Equestria’s proper defender. With great splendor from this mage contender, and perhaps a little help from his fellow Pillars, this perfect specimen of a gentleman who was most unfeminine—

“The Pillars aren’t here, you old coot!” a deep masculine voice exclaimed.

— by establishing his dominance over those drenched in estrogen—

“Oh my aching, yingyang…” the voice muttered. “SHUT YOUR STUPID SEXIST FACE AND LISTEN! PILLARS! NOT HERE!”

Jolted back to the real world with its tiny dog guardian that was busily barking out to get Star Swirl’s attention, the wizard turned and glared angrily at Order who was once again atop the Table of Harmony. “Where are my Pillars?!” Demanded Star Swirl. “WHERE IS THE GAGGLE OF PONIES TO LORD ME WITH PRAISE DURING MY TRIUMPH!”

“The Pillars left,” a female’s voice informed.

Star Swirl wheeled about and glared at the source of the voice, Starlight Glimmer, who was notably one of the only other ponies in the room save Sunburst. He appeared to have buried his muzzle in a book, but also seemed to be discreetly invading Star Swirl’s personal space to which the wizard either didn’t notice or seem to particularly care.

“They got smashed on grapes with Sunset and then she convinced them all to head out to the nearest bar,” Starlight said in an even tone.

“WHY ARE YOU STILL IN MY PRESENCE, EVIL ONE!” Star Swirl snapped. “HOW DARE YOU POLLUTE THE VERY AIR WE BREATHE WITH YOUR EVIL THOUGHTS AND MAREISH WAYS?!”

Order’s voice called out from the table. “How can she pollute the air with her thoughts, ‘ya bearded moron?! I swear, I’ve spoken to llamas and squirrels who have a better handle on insults than you do!”

Starlight let out a sigh heavy with the weight of the day. “The Pillars left, Twilight is elsewhere poring over books to figure out a way to save Equestria that doesn’t involve losing you and the rest of the Pillars, for some stupid reason, uh… and also maybe keeping the elements—”

“The most important thing,” Order interjected.

Starlight continued. “The Element bearers are…uh… in the castle somewhere, mainly avoiding you probably, and Sunburst…” Starlight tilted her head slightly to look past Star Swirl and shot whatever was behind him a disapproving glare. “Sunburst has been rubbing his face against a portion of your cape for like… ten minutes now.”

“Ah!” Sunburst let out a startled gasp and released the portion of Star Swirl’s cape he was busily feeling with his cheek. It fell to the floor with a light jingling. “Sorry! Was it, er, that obvious?”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “I just said you’ve been doing it for 10 minutes, so yes.”

Star Swirl grit his teeth in annoyance. “How dare everypony just vacate my presence when the world is in peril!”

Starlight pursed her lips slightly. “Well… I mean… have you ever met you? World peril or not, I think if ponies don’t get a break from you every now and again they might commit a murder…”

Order let out a sigh heavy with years of interacting with Star Swirl. “Starry, yer not just spinnin’ tall tales there. I’m not even sure a millennium was enough…”

“Preposterous!” Star Swirl declared. “I’m the closest those ponies will get to meeting a god while living!”

Starlight and Order exchanged glances and raised eyebrows.

“Should I take that one, or do you want a turn?” Starlight asked.

Order waved a tiny paw dismissively at Starlight. “Ahh, go ahead. Even after all the decades of dealing with him, I still get a dull ache behind my muzzle from tryin’ to talk some sense into that old coot.”

Starlight nodded. “Look, Twilight told me to be nice…”

“That know-nothing strumpet!” Star Swirl declared. “One can only imagine how she blundered into becoming a princess.”

Starlight paused for a moment. “I’ll grant that it took me a while to figure that out too, but that’s the thing… Twilight is a Princess, and Equestria has three more full-grown princesses and even a baby alicorn that accidentally almost destroyed an empire… Sunset's also ascended... You add Discord then—”

Order cleared his throat.

Starlight’s face turned slightly disgruntled. “—and Order—”

“Thank you,” Order said with a tiny smile.

“Then there’s super-powerful ponies and entities all over the place,” Starlight continued. “Even you’re going to be around awhile, and again… I don’t know why Twilight is working on that but if any pony could do it, it’s her. You’re probably going to have to get used to the fact that world domination is not something that’s going to come lightly.”

Order tilted his head. “I’m sure you meant ‘hero worship.’”

Starlight’s face tightened. “Right, ‘hero worship.’ What did I say?”

Order shook his head. “Probably best I don’t repeat it…”

Star Swirl stroked at his beard thoughtfully. “Of course! I’ve been wearing the same bell hat and cap all day! Perhaps if I change my hat and cape, that’ll get me the attention I so rightly deserve.”

Starlight let out the unwedded love child of a sigh and a groan. “Did you listen to a word I said?”

“Not likely,” Order said. “No.”

Sunburst perked up. “Leave it to me, Star Swirl!” He made a quick gallop for the door. “I always keep a spare bell hat and cape on hand in case of cosplay emergencies!”

Starlight brought a forehoof to her head. “You know, some days I’m a little sorry I didn’t actually end Equestria in a time-shift related apocalypse.”

“And you wonder why you have trouble making friends,” Order quipped dryly.

“Oh, stuff it, you 12-oz. mouse-sized dog!” Starlight exclaimed.

Order’s eyes crossed slightly. “Wait… where’d you even pick up that reference?”

Starlight continued, “At least I’m trying to be better!” she insisted. “Seems like you’ve done nothing but double down on your surveillance and booty-calls since the castle grew!”

Order smirked. “Do I detect an old sense of aggravation from having Twilight shut down your little Jamestown operation?”

“... What the heck does an episode of Firefly have to do with all this?!”

“Wha… No ‘Jamestown,’ not Jaynestown,” Order shook his head, “Guessin’ Sunset isn’t shy about sharin’ some earth culture with you.”

Starlight giggled to herself. “We don’t have much in the way of TV here in Equestria… it’s hard not to ‘vedge out and put on several pounds in ice-cream when I visi—”

“This nattering solves nothing!” Star Swirl snapped.

Star Swirl and Order frowned slightly.

“Well, an old, broken, obnoxious clock is right twice a day,” Order quipped.

“That fire-maned HUSSY is out there right now corrupting my Pillars!”

“Oh,” said Starlight, “so you were paying attention.”

Order shrugged. “Ever since they’ve met ya I’ve only caught glimpses of sobriety from ‘tha other Pillars… I mean, seriously… If you want to meet a corrupting factor, you should try lookin’ in a mirror… maybe on an empty stomach.”

Star Swirl wheeled around and leveled a forehoof at Order. “The girl is a demonic presence! I just know it!”

Order and Starlight exchanged another glance. Starlight gave Order a small smile. “Well… there’s the second time.”

Order shook her head. “Look, Sunset is definitely the loose cannon type that doesn’t follow any rules but her own.” Order slammed a paw as hard as he could on the crystalline table surface, it made teeny-tiny ‘thump.’ “But, damnit, she gets results!” Order took a long breath as his features relaxed. “But it’s not like she’s gonna get the other Pillars to do nothin’ they haven’t already done to themselves.”

Somnambula shot a nervous glance at a glass that looked to be shaped like a knee-high boot; it was certainly large enough to be worn as one if the act of shoving a leg inside wouldn’t break it immediately. Of course, that wasn’t likely to happen anytime soon with the foamy brown-yellow liquid that filled the glass up to its very top. The peach-colored pegasus let out a laugh to match the look on her face. “I think this will kill me…”

With a series of ‘glugs,’ Sunset Shimmer not-so-gently placed her glass on the wooden bar top in front herself and the Pillars present. Not to be outdone, the Rockhoof and Flash Magnus quickly followed Sunset and downed their drinks, only slightly behind Mistmane who seemed to lack any sort of gag-reflex. Mage Meadowbrook settled for placing her hooves on the bar top and gently sipping from the top.

Sunset looked at the mare to her immediate right. “Don’t worry! I know a resurrection spell…” Sunset’s turquoise eyes rolled up towards the top of her eye sockets as if searching her memory for something. “I think…”

Somnambula’s nervous smile turned into a nervous frown. “Giving your delivery of that line and current state, that’s hardly reassuring,” she stated as Mistmane’s empty boot-glass was lowered to the bar followed by Flash Magnus a wing’s width later then Rockhoof’s.

“Weeelll… I’m sure Starlight could help…” Sunset said as she hastily put on a sloppy, reassuring smile. “If you kick the bucket here, we’ll have you shambling around in no time!”

Somnambula considered this further. “Hope does spring eternal,” she said with a massive grin as she took the glass in her forehooves and began to drink it down.

“That’s the spirit!” Sunset exclaimed. “And so is this!” Sunset exclaimed as she swayed a little before she took a shot glass in a red glow of her magic and downed an amber colored liquid. “Alright… alright, alright, alright!”!” Sunset half-floated, half-dropped the shot glass that fell to the wooden bar top with a clatter. “I have to ask… How did a bunch of kick-ass, and cool ponies like yourselves end up with an asshole like Star Swirl?” Sunset looked over the trio of females sitting at the bar next to her. “Especially, you three! How do you even put up with it?!”

The other ponies present sighed, all except Somnambula who made more of a sad gurgling noise as she continued to try and empty her giant glass of its contents.

“It sort of involves the Pony of Shadows,” Flash Magnus began, “or more accurately, the pony who would become the Pony of Shadows…”

“Oh! Tragic backstory time!” Sunset exclaimed. She smiled to herself and leaned forward on the bar, placing her forelegs down on it like a pillow for her head. “Go oooooooon~!” she warbled.

Mage Meadowbrook snickered before the smile dropped and she nodded solemnly. “You see, the Pony of Shadows was once a normal pony before he became wrapped in shadow and envy… mostly shadow.”

Sunset’s eyes widened as the words, ‘Don’t be a unicorn! Don’t be a unicorn!’ Repeated over and over inside her head.

Mage Meadowbrook continued, “He was once a unicorn—”

“DAMNIT!” Sunset exclaimed.

The Pillars went silent and recoiled from Sunset a bit.

“Sorry,” Sunset said. “Please, continue,” she said politely.

Mage Meadowbrook nodded.

The sounds of violence joined the angry-shout filled air as ponies argued, fought, and even caused property destruction upon their windmills and thatched-roof cottages. Structures that fell fast to the hooves of earth ponies, the magic of unicorns, but actually did alright against most the pegasi flying into them, if one discounted the roofs, which… again, were made of thatch. While this cacophonous melee of aimless aggression continued, an ominous green mist wafted upwards, every bit as mysterious as a haunting chorus lingered in those small cracks of sound occasionally left by the anarchy of the scene.

“Aria~!” A high-pitched female voice whined out, cutting into the haunting melody a bit.

Above the ponies, a trio of massive aquatic-looking creatures with pony-like features, massive fish-tails, and teeth that would make a cutlery drawer envious floated above the ruins of a city.

The middle creature, a gold-colored monster that resembled the evil result of some sort of sea-horse, lionfish, shark orgy sneered at the aquamarine-colored creature to her left. The amethyst-colored creature to her right leaned forward to look past her and at the third monster.

“What is it now, Sonata-spaz?” Aria answered in a gruff feminine tone.

The gold monster sighed. “Seriously Aria, you could at least try with your insult. ‘Spaznata’! There!” The monster proclaimed in her own, clearly irritated, feminine tone as she motioned out to open air. “That took me like… a second!”

Aria rolled her eyes. “Oh, whatever, Adagio. I just want to figure out what Lady Gripes-a-lot is mad about now.”

“There! See!” Adagio exclaimed as she flung her forehooves out towards Aria. “THERE’S your ‘A’ game! Where was your ‘A’ game five seconds ago?!”

“You started too quickly!” Sonata declared. She looked down at the destruction below her. “Now the mill is gone! How are we going to make the ponies make flatbread? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WRAP MY MEAT UP WITH NOW?!”

Aria shook her head. “What the fornication under consent of the king is up with you and wrapping food? BESIDES, we’re trying to collect real food here.”

It was Sonata’s turn to roll her eyes. “Right, because solid food is somehow fake just because we can’t siphon magical energies from it to grow in power and maintain our immortality.”

Aria groaned. “Thanks, Princess Exposition.”

“See! You’re getting it!” Adagio said.

Aria sent a displeased grunt in Adagio’s direction then looked towards Sonata. “Besides, how do you know it was me who started early and not Miss, uh…”

“Often-spacious scales?” Sonata exclaimed.

Aria’s eyes tightened in confusion.

Adagio sighed. “She means, ‘ostentatious,’” she looked down at herself proudly. “No doubt because of my gloriously golden gleam.”

Aria managed a small shrug with her forelegs. “Or maybe she was calling you fat.”

“WHAT?!” Adagio snarled.

Sonata let out a mirthful giggle.

Adagio grit her teeth. “Well, I couldn’t be the one to start early, because I always start out nice and sloooow…” Adagio cooed out in a sultry tone.

“Whatever, fatso,” Aria said dismissively.

“Oh, that is IT!” Adagio cried as she opened her mouth and let lose a blast of reddish-black energy that slammed into Aria and sent her smoking form to the ground. Adagio followed this up with diving towards Aria and brought both sirens crashing to the village below, causing even more destruction as the green mists raising from the quarreling ponies continued to float up.

“Sisters! Sisters!” Sonata exclaimed in a pleading tone as the two monsters rolled about the destroyed city, gnashing their teeth as they swatted at each other. “Stop! Stop!” Sonata’s eyes began to water up. “You know I can’t stand to see fighting!”

All at once that ponies on the ground ceased their brutal beatdowns and stared up at Sonata.

“Oh, except when you ponies do it,” Sonata said with a smile. “Please, continue.”

With that, the tiny village redoubled its efforts in going all TV-Y7 version of Kingsmen Freebird on each other.

Uh… I’m afraid we don’t follow the reference, Miss Sunset Shimmer.

Sorry, Rockhoof. I’m not sure how you all managed to peg those three so perfectly, but I needed to get you to stop right there on account of me feeling my brain trying to astrally project away from my head. I kinda get enough of those three at home.

Uh… Verily?

Just skip the Sirens bit and get to the part where you meet.

High above the village on a hill, a thin-grey unicorn stallion with a green and blue bowl-cut mane stopped, his jaw nearly dropping as he witnessed the carnage. It was all he could do to hold onto his white-polka dotted red bundle as he gazed upon the destruction with his deep sky blue eyes, his tattered brown tunic offering little comfort from the chill he felt at such baseless destruction.

“Heavens!” the unicorn cried. “I, Stygian, must assemble mighty heroes to combat these menaces!” He galloped over the hill away from the village. Moments later, he returned, six larger than life ponies behind him. “Thank goodness that six such heroes were right HERE and can save everypony!”

Wait, what?! How was it that this, erm… Stygian just so happened to be at this SAME village that all SIX of you just happened to be by at the time?! If you were that close, why would he even need to do that?! Couldn’t you six just hear what was going on on the other side of the hill?! And why did Stygian announce his own name to no-pony?!

You told us to skip ahead to the part where we all met!

Sure! But I figured you’d at least make it make sense.

Oh, My GoDs! I tHiNk My HeArT JuSt StOpPed!

Uh… Somnambula? Do you want me to get you a glass of water? Or like… a hospital?

No, WaIt! It StArTeD AgAiN! TeEhEe… AlL iT NeEdEd WaS a LiTtLe HoPe.

Look!-The-truth-is-Stygian-gathered-us-after-many-laborious-journeys-to-stop-the-siren-menace,-meanwhile-they-ran-unchecked-throughout-all-of-Equestria! Did-you-really-need-to-know-that?

Erm, right, sorry… Okay, Mistmane, you can continue…

It’s quite alright. With Stygian uniting us, the six of us banded together, beat the sirens, and Star Swirl banished them to another world where they would never hurt any—

HA!

—Erm… cause their destruction elsewhere! And thus, the Pillars where united.

Sunset narrowed her eyes. “Wait… that’s it? Where’s the violence?! Where’s the bloodshed?”

Mistmane chuckled. “Sorry, I’m afraid I’m too deep in my cups to adequately describe the Sirens’ energy blasts that Flash expertly blocked, the giant boulders flung from Rockhoof’s shovel, or even the death-defying flying from Somnambula that caught the Sirens’ attention as Mage Meadowbrook and myself soothed the villager’s waring feelings, and Star Swirl created a portal which Somnambula led the three into.

“Right,” Sunset said as she took a sip from a squat round glass with more amber liquid and two ice cubes in it. “You’re all still lucky I mostly blame Star Swirl for not knowing where the portal went.” Sunset frowned. “But that doesn’t explain why you three mares ended up putting up with Star Swirl!”

“Oh, my apologies,” Mistmane said. “You see…”

“Somnambula, Meadowbrook, you see that old guy over there?” Stygian said as he pointed the old guy who was, of course, wearing a bell-hat and matching cape.

“Ah can see and HEAR him!” Mage Meadowbrook shook her head. “Ah wish I was jus’ talkin’ ‘bout his bells!”

“I can smell his old-man musk from here!” Somnambula exclaimed.

“He called me a sentient-beast bedding whore!” Mistmane cried indignantly. “Which was completely uncalled for! I don’t charge for sex!”

Stygian nodded. “Right, right. All very valid points. Well, he is the living personification of all things wrong with Equestria, but right now, he’s right about one thing. These Sirens need to go, and we need your help to get it done. For five minutes, please just ignore everything this stallion says that’s spiteful, derogatory, and all-around unpleasant while we deal with the greater threat at hoof… After that, you can kill him.”

Wait… what happened to the killing him part? I liked that suggestion.

Oh! WeLl, We DeCidEd To CeLeBrAte AfTeR OuR vIcToRy! We’Ve BeEn RaReLy SoBeR sInCe!

Verily!

Okay… that tracks. Well… How did Stygian become all broody and shadowy?

Ah, well, that’s a long, loooooong, exceedingly long tale that ends after years and decades of many adventures. Adventures I will happilydetail over the days and weeks to come!

Okay! I get it! Artistic storytelling license, and all that. Give me the abridged version, please.

Stygian-swiped-a-bunch-of-our-magical-items-because-he-was-uh-mad-jelly-am-I-using-that-term-correctly?

Yes, Flash Magnus, go ahead.

Haha!-You-can-just-call-me-‘Flash’,-Sunset.

I would, but I already have a ‘Flash’… And I mean ‘have’… you know… in the sexy sense.

Verily.-Well,-that-Stygian-was-mad-jelly-of-our-power-

He was very puny.

Right,- right. So-he-straight-up-jacked-our-stuff-and—

Wow, Rainbow Dash rubbed off on you quic… forget I just said that. Continue, please.

And-then-we-caught-him-with-our-stuff-and-then-cast-him-out!-The-end! You-know,-until-he-came-back-all-evil-and-such-and-we-had-to-seal-him-and-ourselves-away!

Sunset stared blankly for a moment, her back straight after hearing the tale, her eyes unusually focused. After a few more moments, her eyes narrowed. “Maaaaaaan, fuck you guys.”

The other five ponies present looked genuinely taken aback.

“We…. we beg your pardon?!” Mistmane said.

“Pardon denied!” Sunset exclaimed angrily. “So Stygian made a mistake because he got tired of sitting in the shadows...” Sunset’s face lightened momentarily. “Oh, hey! I just got why he does the shadow thing… Go me…” Her face tightened again. “Anyhow, Stygian got tired of being overshadowed… uh… the second pun also not intended, so he tried to do something to get noticed, then you all cast him out?!” Sunset looked about her immediate surroundings, noticed Mage Meadowbrook’s only half-drank drink, then took it in a red glow and floated it to her mouth where she emptied its contents and smashed the glass on the ground.

“Hey!” a female’s voice protested.

“Bill my mom!” Sunset snapped. She looked about the other five Pillars. “Did you all want an unstable pony with a vendetta?! Because that’s how you get unstable ponies with vendettas!”

For a moment, the other Pillars said nothing, instead looking at Sunset with forlorn expressions.

Somnambula frowned deeply at Sunset. “It sounds like we’re the bad-guys the way you say it.”

The other Pillars nodded solemnly in agreement.

“Well, you kinda are!” Sunset exclaimed as she threw her hooves up in the air, swayed backwards in her seat, then quickly flung herself forward where she landed roughly on the bar top (sending more empty shots and boots to the floor in a cacophony of shattering glass and prompting a heavy sigh from an increasingly irritated female barkeep) where she took a moment to steady herself, then bowed with a wry little grin. “He’s the one who got you together and because none of you had the balls to stand up to Star Swirl the Goat Fucker, you all kind of created a new....” Sunset trailed off for a moment as she wracked her brain for an appropriate word “…quasi-threat!” She shook her head in a slightly exaggerated fashion causing her fiery red mane to sway one way than the other. “Shit, I can relate. I mean… not saying Stygian couldn’t have maybe handled things better, but maaaaan, can I re-late.”

Somnambula leaned forward and turned to look at Mistmane. “What the buck is a ‘man’?” she whispered.

Mistmane merely shrugged and shook her head.

“Well, Star Swirl is quite the bitter pill to swallow,” Flash Magnus said, “but he is clearly the wisest amongst us.”

The other Pillars nodded in agreement.

Sunset tilted her head as her forehead tightened. “That’s because you all are shitfaced most of the time around him and he just seems like he’s making sense.” She let out a sigh heavy with alcohol and the weight of what she had just heard, but mostly alcohol. “I mean… You guys need to maybe at least cast votes about some of this stuff.”

Mage Meadowbrook pursed her lips into a small frown. “We tried, but Star Swirl only gives the three of us girls a collective one vote, Rockhoof and Flash Magnus one each, then ten for himself!”

With a red glow of her horn, Sunset took a half-full bottle of an amber liquid from the top shelf of the bar, its contents swaying angrily as she whisked it to her face. With a quick tilt of her head, the cork and surrounding glass of the bottle broke off, and Sunset tossed the small broken piece away from herself where it made its exit through the closed window as noisily as possible.

“Whhhyyyyeeeee?!” A mare’s voice whined.

Sunset took a few swigs from the somewhat broken bottle and continued. “Then just kick his old wrinkly ass!” she exclaimed. She took a gulp. “Like I did!” She grumbled irritably to herself before taking two big gulps. “Before Twilight stopped me…” she growled as she finished the bottle. Groaning, Sunset let her head fall to the bar with a heavy ‘thump’ that left glass cups and bottles rattling.

The Pillars all leaned over with concerned looks.

“Are you okay?” Mistmare asked.

Rockhoof chuckled. “Perhaps she’s had too much to drink?”

Before a chuckle could erupt through the group, Sunset’s head shot up like an erupting volcano. Her resolute turquoise eyes sought out the barkeep. “Hey! You, uh… Mare gal… girl…”

“OH, SWEET CELESTIA, PLEASE DON’T KILL M-I MEAN-It’s, erm… Oddjob…” A mocha colored earth pony mare with a long, dark-brown mane answered. Her expression looking slightly frazzled and her black apron appearing slick with the odd spill here or there. “My parents were really into spy books, you see, and—”

“I don’t recall asking for your boring life story!” Sunset shot back her eyes narrowing slightly. “Four Ponies of the Apocalypse… For me and all the Pillars here…”

Oddjob swallowed. “Are you su—”

“The good stuff!” Sunset said in a demanding tone as she slammed a forehoof on the table and set more glassed to the ground. “None of this well-drink garbage… Just bill Princess Celestia!”

The barmare gave Sunset a skeptical look. “You keep saying that, but—”

Sunset unfurled her wings causing Somnambula and Flash Magnus to recoil slightly. She also pointed to her horn. “What?! Do you think I pulled this stuff out of a cereal box?!” Sunset spun around on her stool and slammed her flank on the bar, causing patrons to quickly rescue drinks as she sent another heavy vibration through the bartop. “Check out my cutie mark! My MOM raises the frickin’ sun for you all every bucking day! She’s good for it!” Sunset turned and fixed Oddjob with a glare. “DRINKS! NOW!” she ordered.

“Yes, ma’am!” Oddjob replied as she turned, got up on her hind legs and hurriedly began, grabbing bottles from the top shelf.

Sunset smirked. “Good! Don’t forget to write that you deserve a big tip for putting up with me.”

Oddjob’s body seemed to relax slightly, and she let out a small titter. “Believe me. I will.”

Soon, four shots were sitting in front of Sunset and the five Pillars, half-empty bottles of bourbon, whisky, whiskey, and tequila sitting on the bar top.

To top off each drink, Oddjob held a bottle in her mouth and poured a tiny bit of an amber-colored liquid that burned the nostrils just to smell it. The Pillars all looked at the drinks in front of them with a mixture of excitement and perhaps a small amount of fear.

Oddjob lowered herself below the bar and came back up with a box of matches.

“Please,” Sunset said holding up a hoof. “Allow me.” With a red flash of her horn suddenly 24 drinks had their tops lit aflame. The Pillars all recoiled in surprise slightly while Sunset simply took her four shots in her magic and cued them up in a neat line floating in front of her.

“Try to keep up,” Sunset said before she blew out all four drinks with a single breath before drinking each down in rapid succession.

The Pillars quickly blowing out their own shots and trying to down them as quickly as possible.

“Because we’re just getting this party started,” Sunset added, a manic, lopsided smile splashing across her face as her eyes became unfocused and just a bit feral.

---

“I got it! I got it!” Twilight cried as she burst into the table room excitedly, tattered scroll trailing behind her in a magenta glow. So excited was the mare that she took no notice of Starlight, who stood statuesque with a strained expression and distant, practically-off-the-planet eyes as Sunburst wore Star Swirl’s outfit and giggled to himself.

“I’ve figured out how to banish the Pony of Shadows without losing the Pillars!” Twilight declared as she galloped up to the pony wearing a blue bell-cape and matching wizard hat. “Star Swirl! I figured it out.”

The pony turned, revealing an orange-coated stallion with a long red goatee and frazzled mane. “Uh… Hello, Twilight,” Sunburst greeted. “Erm,” his face lit up, “you’ve come up with a solution that doesn’t involve losing Star Swirl or the others?! That’s fantastic!”

Behind Twilight, the other Element Bearers, as well as Spike, filed in.

Twilight’s expression quickly changed to that of a pout as she looked over Sunburst. “You’re not Star Swirl.”

“Erm, no,” Sunburst admitted. “You see, Star Swirl was lamenting not having a change of wardrobe, and I just so happened to have a spare bell-hat and cape on me…”

Twilight nodded. “In case of cosplay emergencies.”

“Yes, um, right!” Sunburst said, his face lighting up. “So Star Swirl changed and wandered off somewhere to see his reflection…”

“What! NO FAIR!” Twilight cried. “I mean… this is my castle…”

Sunburst seemed to shrink a little bit from Twilight’s reaction. “Er, I didn’t mean to overstep any boundaries…”

Twilight puffed out her lower lip. “I have all my spare bell hats and capes here!” she added as her lip began to quibble.

“Er…” Sunburst offered Twilight a slight smile. “Would you… would you like to try on Star Swirl’s clothes?”

Twilight’s face suddenly lit up enough to shame even one of Rarity’s Hearth’s Warming displays. She began to nod vigorously. “Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!”

With that, Twilight practically ripped the cape and hat right of Sunburst and put them on where she immediately buried her muzzle in the clothes and took a big sniff. “Oh my gosh! It smells just like how a hug from Star Swirl would smell like, I’d imagine. Musky and full of power.”

“I know right!” Sunburst said as he practically drilled into Twilight’s side with his nose. “I’ve been sniffing it so much, yet it’s still soaked to the brim with his musk.”

Applejack recoiled slightly. “Let’s add ‘musk’ to the list of words we’re not gonna use for a while.”

Spike looked over as Twilight and Sunburst seemingly tried to inhale Star Swirl’s cape with their noses. “Dude, that’s fu—” Spike glanced around at the ponies present “—creepy,” he amended.

Pinkie shook her head. “It’s okay, Spike. I think given the situation, you can say ‘fucked up.’”

Fluttershy nodded. “Oh goodness, yes. On account of how fucked up everything is.”

Applejack glanced over at Starlight. “Okay, so what’s up with you?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash chimed in as she hovered above Starlight and waved a forehoof in front of the purple mare’s unblinking eyes. “You don’t even look like you’re in the same solar system anymore!”

Starlight’s head suddenly tilted to the side so fast there was an audible ‘crack!’ “I’ve been in here trying to get along with Star Swirl and watching Sunburst run his nose over every inch of that gross-old-fool’s clothes, and I am unfathomably angry!”

Applejack nodded. “That makes sense…” her eyes drifted over slightly. “But Rarity, you just got here. Why do you look as mad as Starlight?”

Her face making the same expression as Starlight’s, Rarity’s head also tilted so fast that cartilage let out a crackling protest. “Seeing one of my best friends wear that horrid ensemble has likewise filled me with a wave of anger I have never known.”

Applejack nodded. “Right. That also makes sense…” She looked around the room. “Now where did that bearded-jerk get off t—”

Suddenly, the Table of Harmony went dim. This was accompanied shortly thereafter by Order hollering, “Oh, WHAT?! Come on!” before the pitter-patter of tiny dog paws could be heard amongst a few odd grunts as a tiny-twine-sized string was pulled, and a very small, but clearly large enough, gas generator sputtered to life. With that, the Table lit up again, the landmarks of Equestria clearly showing.

With a flash of blinding white light, Star Swirl appeared, his hat and cape now grey, but no-less covered in golden bells. “Behold, fools! I bring you the Elements of Harmony!” Star Swirl declared as the six symbols of Laughter, Loyalty, Honesty, Generosity, Kindness, and Magic orbited around Star Swirl’s hat, held aloft by his magic.

“Well, d’uuuuUUUUUUuuuuuh!” Pinkie said. “We only used them for the better part of four seasons…” Pinkie tilted her head and thought for a moment. “Well… three and a half, really…”

Spike shot Applejack a dirty glance. “You brought this pain upon all of us, Apple Horse.”

Applejack sighed. “Yeah, I know…” she lamented.

Star Swirl growled at Pinkie. “You will not dull my triumph, you obnoxious pink eye-so—”

‘SMASH!’

Star Swirl was suddenly knocked bell-cape over bell-hat as a massive roll of paper with black print smashed into the side of his head. Elements suddenly scattered every which direction, much to the dismay of the ponies present.

“Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Sunset in the giant crystal HIZHOOOOOUSE!” Sunset Shimmer bellowed as she swayed, stumbled, slipped, and staggered her way into the room, the five Pillars behind her in an only slightly better state.

“Hehehe! *Hick!* YESH! Yes… Shomno… Shomnu… hard-name-to-shay alsho in the—” THUD! “—here!”

...Except for Somnambula.

The others in the room immediately turned their attention to Sunset, with the exception of Sunburst and Twilight who rushed to help Star Swirl.

“What in tarnation happened to you six?!” Applejack asked.

“And why wasn’t I invited?!” demanded Rainbow Dash.

Rockhoof grinned, his steps notably more wobbly than normal. “We drank, we fought, she made her ancestors proud.”

Mage Meadowbrook stepped up as Mistmane tried and mostly failed to get Somnambula back to her hooves as Flash Magnus practically stumbled into Rainbow Dash where a pair of sad-puppy-dog eyes met him. The blue earth pony gave the group a somewhat uncharacteristically wry grin. “Rockhoof is giving you the abridged version… Sunset she, um… she kinda lost control and burned down a bar.”

“WHAT?!” the ponies exclaimed, joined by Spike whose arms were now full of the six Elements of Harmony.

“Hehehe! WHOOOSH!” Sunset said as she flung her forehooves and wings into the air before falling backward.

Sniffling under the darkness of a bed only dimly lit by sunlight peeking into the room, Oddjob rambled on in a weepy tone. “And…and… she kept on screaming…. ‘HE IS NOT AN ANIMAL’… and… and…*sniff* she broke all my glasses…and… and… SHE BURNED DOWN MY BAR!”

“I’m sorry, my little pony, but who are you?!” Celestia demanded of the mocha-colored mare who had somehow found her way under her royal bed. “Also, how did you get in here… past our guards?!”

Oddjob took a large, phlegmy inhale and tried to compose herself. “My name is Oddjob, and well… You see my parents were really into spy novels, so that’s where my name came from, but my cutie mark is like… a multi-tool, so really—”

Celestia let out a huff. “I don’t recall asking for your boring life story.”

“…Wow…” Oddjob exclaimed. “So you really are her mom…”

To the left of Oddjob, Luna shot the mare a somewhat concerned look then turned towards Celestia. “Sister, I feel we’ve left this situation go unchecked for quite long enough.”

Celestia groaned. “Well… I suppose if Sunset is in Equestria then I have some sort of parental responsibility to keep her in line,” she said in a lamenting tone.

Luna crawled out from under the bed. “And I suppose that’s as good a reason as any.”

Celestia and Oddjob likewise got out from under the bed. Celestia grimacing heavily. “Do you suspect she’s killed Star Swirl yet?” she posed with a notably hopeful tone.

“Tia!” Luna snapped.

“What?!” Celestia protested. “If she did, I’ll just pardon her! She’d be super-pardoned, big time! Besides, Star Swirl has been thought dead for over a millennium… it’d be hardly murder at all, really!”

Oddjob took a few steps away from Celestia. “Wow… Yeah… the family resemblance is… terrifying.” Oddjob swallowed. “Before you two head out and make sure erm… Sunset doesn’t set fire to the countryside in a drunken rampage…”

Luna looked down at Oddjob. “How much did Sunset Shimmer imbibe, anyhow?”

“Only like HALF my FREAKIN’ bar before it went up!” Oddjob exclaimed.

Celestia smiled proudly to herself. “That’s my girl!”

“Seriously, Tia! Focus!” Luna exclaimed. “We need to DO something.”

Celestia thought for a moment. “Okay, how about we—”

“And don’t suggest to me we let Twilight Sparkle handle everything!”

Celestia pursed her lips. “Okay, but… Starlight Glim—”

Luna buried her face in a forehoof. “Tia, stop being in insufferable douchecanoe!” Luna lowered her forehoof and gave her sister a serious look. “WE, the RULERS of this land, should do something…” She gave Celestia a somewhat saddened look. “Ponies are starting to talk about our inactivity in these situations… quite a bit, actually.”

“Ugh…. FiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIiiiine!” Celestia moaned.

“Seriously, did you clone yourself and just do a color swap?” Oddjob exclaimed. “You sound and act like a bigger version of her.”

Luna glanced back down at Oddjob. “Actually, Sunset Shimmer is adopted.”

Oddjob scoffed. “Yeah, right. I’m not buying that for a bit. Anyhow, before you two go out and like… save Equestria or whatever, as I was trying to say, I could maybe use some recompense…”

“Yes, yes,” Celestia said, “you’ll be fairly compensated.”

“Right, right… you know… for my bar… my bar that’s on fire… and also mostly gone…”

“We GET it!” Celestia growled.

Oddjob tilted her head and looked up at Celestia. “I’m not sure you do… OH! I should mention I’m really good at keeping secrets. I mean, duh! Spy character name!” Oddjob chuckled to herself as her brown eyes became unfocused and distant. “Sooo many terrible, terrible secrets…”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “Are you blackmailing u—”

Luna quickly thrust a hoof up and covered her sister’s mouth. “We can pay you your weight in gems to rebuild and keep quiet about this event until we get a handle on the situation.”

Celestia said nothing, instead opting to glare at her sister.

Oddjob thought about this for a moment. “Can I have her weight in gems?”

“HEY!” Celestia protested.

“Deal!” Luna exclaimed.

“What?! LUNA!”

Luna let out a sigh heavy with the burdens of ruling a country or sometimes leaving a country to govern itself and all the wanton destruction that seems to happen on a near-weekly basis. “Let’s just hope we can stop Sunset before she adds ‘murder’ to her no-doubt long list of crimes she’s already committed today.”

“How drunk is too drunk to legally fly?!” Sunset asked as she careened and smashed into walls. Rainbow Dash quickly flapped out of Sunset’s way as the orange mare crashed back to the ground in a fit of laughter as she slid into a wall. “Because I am at least that drunk!”

“Get off! GET OFF!” Star Swirl demanded as he swatted at Twilight as she and Sunburst helped him to his hooves. “AND TAKE OFF MY CAPE AND HAT, STRUMPET!” he roared. “STOP SULLYING THEM WITH YOUR FOUL MARE OILS!”

Panicked look on her face, Twilight quickly removed Star Swirl’s clothing, took one more sniff, then shoved them into Sunburst’s hooves. Sunburst also took one more quick sniff before gently floating the articles away.

Glaring angrily at Twilight, Star Swirl quickly turned and trotted over to Sunset, a smile appearing on his face as he looked down at the mare. “Well, Tramp. You vowed to remove me of my dignity, but it seems you are the one who has made a fool of themselves.”

Laying facing upside-down from Star Swirl, Sunset thrust a forehoof into the air. “FuuuUUUUUuuuuUUUuuuUUUUUuuuuUUUUK YOU, you ancient fart! That’s YOUR bet to lose! I did this to MYSELF.”

Star Swirl’s smile dropped. “Indeed. I merely need to best you in combat, but, alas, in this state I feel you’d be such easy pickings tha—”

With a bright glow of her horn a scroll of a size that dwarfed even Rockhoof appeared and swung into Star Swirl so hard and so fast the wizard flew across the room and smashed into a wall.

“HAH!” Sunset exclaimed as she wobbled to her hooves. “THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD!”

“Sunset!” Twilight exclaimed. “Show some restraint!”

“Dude! Have you MET me?!” Sunset exclaimed.

Twilight gave Sunset an unamused glare. “Starting to wish I hadn’t…”

The room went quiet aside from the jingling of bells and Sunburst’s strained attempts to get Star Swirl back up.

“Dude…” Spike uttered. “Harsh.”

“Verily,” Rockhoof agreed.

Twilight cringed at looked at Sunset. Sunset, who had suddenly lost all traces of anger and was now staring glassy-eyed back at Twilight.

“Sunset! I didn’t mean…”

“You don’t… you don’t LIKE me anymore!” Sunset cried.

“No! Sunset! I misspoke! I didn’t mean to—”

“WhouAAAAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“Wow, jeesh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “And I thought I was an expert crier, but that girl is a professional…”

“Well,” Fluttershy began, “I think there are different styles of crying… I mean… I like to cry by myself into a pillow… I like to think I’m pretty good at that.”

Rarity tittered to herself. “And there’s nothing like a good wallow-cry.”

Applejack smirked. “And I do well at crying on the inside.”

“Still, though!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I bet Sunset would win the gold medal in freestyle crying for sure!”

The other three ponies party to the conversation nodded their heads a murmured words of agreement.

“Jealous?!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “Who said I was jealous?!”

“Uh, literally no one, darling,” Rarity informed.

“So, uh…” Spike hefted his arms causing the Elements to jingle slightly. “Do I put these somewhere, or…”

“Sunset!” Twilight said in a pleading tone as she tried to speak to the seemingly inconsolable pony. “Sunset, I’m sorry! It’s just… I’m really stressed out with all that’s happened today, and you attacked Star Swirl AGAIN, but… I really value our friendship! You’re such an important part of me lif- ACK!”

Without warning, Twilight found herself wrapped on Sunset’s warm, booze smelling embrace. “Oh, Twilight…” Sunset murmured as she hugged with forelegs and wings. “You’re just so… sooo… so awesome. Why can’t you see it?”

“Awwwww…” Mistmane and Mage Meadowbrook uttered along with most the other mares in the room, Somnambula making her utterance from upside-down on the floor, limbs and wings spread in all directions, and Rainbow Dash abstaining. Instead, the mare was busy being covered with kissed on the right side of her face as she looked away from Flash Magnus with a look of faux anger as the smooches rained down upon her.

“Uh…” Twilight’s cheeks began to turn slightly pink. “Thanks, Sunset… You’re uh… You’re awesome, too!”

“No, but like… you’re REALLY awesome!” Sunset insisted. “Like… really…really…”

“Wow, uh… I don’t know what to say, Sunset… Like… seriously… I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle this situation… Is there a guidebook for when ponies get super drunk and huggy?”

“Okay, Twilight, but…” Sunset said in a near whisper as she moved her muzzle closer to one of Twilight’s ears.

“Uh… Yes, Sunset?”

“… That was a pretty slick burn you laid on me, for realzies…”

Twilight’s face contorted in irritation. “Okay, are you doing drunken confessions or are you playing me right now?!”

Sunset broke the hug and smiled. “Little from column ‘a’, little from column ‘b’!”

One of Starlight’s eyes twitched. “I’m glad this is all somehow important to some ponies…”

A bright white light followed by a booming voice. “THIS NONSENSE ENDS NOW! WE MUST DISCUSS NEXT STEPS TO SAVE EQUESTRIA AT ONCE!”

Starlight cringed and swallowed. “Okay, now that’s three times… I think I’m going to be sick.”

An odd focus of near sobriety came across Sunset’s face, and she spoke up, “Well, he’s right. We ALL need to talk about saving Equestria.”

The room went silent for a moment.

“Okay,” Starlight said, “Now I know I’m going to be sick…”

Star Swirl groaned. “I, as well, the Tramp’s trap smells like a distil—”

With a crimson glow of her horn, Star Swirl was suddenly airborne, and with a flicker of her magic, he soon found himself hitting a crystalline wall as his body went rag doll where a portal above him opened and hundreds of newspapers fell out to bury him.

“Nice,” Starlight said with a wry grin as the everypony else in the room tried to process what had just happened.

“Sunset!” Twilight exclaimed. “That’s too far!”

“Save it, Sparkles!” Sunset exclaimed. “I’m trying to save everypony from making a huge mistake.”

“I’m Spike, Sunset.”

“CaaarrrrRRRAAAaaaap…” Sunset turned again. “Twilight, this goes beyond Star Swirl’s treatment of everypony.”

“Uh… I’m Starlight.”

“OH! Sorry!” Sunset squinted her eyes. “You’re all very… purpley…” Sunset turned again. “Uh, Twilight?”

“Yes?”

Sunset nodded. “The Pony of Shadows isn’t just some weird dark...darkness...evil thing that showed up out of nowhere. His name is Stygian. He’s basically the founder of the Pillars who got shafted by the rest of the members for not having superpowers, so he went all super-villain.”

Twilight’s face turned a lighter shade of purple. “Wh-what…”

Behind Sunset, the other five Pillars shifted uncomfortably either standing or from the floor.

Starlight Glimmer’s eyes widened. “That… uh… yeah, I can see that happening…”

“I know, right?” Sunset replied. “It’s like Stygian has the same template tragic backstory that you and I have, but better… Well… better than yours anyhow,” she added off hoofedly.

“Hey!” Starlight protested.

Sunset continued, turning back to Spike… and then Twilight after a second of staring in the wrong direction. “So like… Star Swirl’s whole plan to send the Pony of Shadows in Limbo with the rest of the Pillars is basically those seven dealing with their big personal problem by not dealing with it at all and deciding being trapped in an empty dimension without time is preferable to actually trying to clean up their mess.” Narrowing her eyes, Sunset turned to glare at the other five Pillars. “Or did I miss something?”

More nervous shuffling of hooves ensued.

“Er,” Rockhoof began, “mayhaps we were a bit hasty to agree to Star Swirl’s first plan...”

“The plan where you all got sent to another dimension?!” Sunset snapped. “You don’t say…”

An irate pony with a beard suddenly burst from the newspaper pile. Taking a quick moment to adjust his hat and cape, he jingled over to the group. “Stygian was envious of our power!” Star Swirl declared. “He wanted more power than he had, and that desire let him down a path from which there is no return!”

Sunset and Starlight exchanged bemused glances.

Starlight spoke up, “I’m not sure whether to laugh or commit a murder.”

“I know, right?” Sunset agreed.

“Starlight, Sunset, no, stop.” Twilight uttered in a tone that was a pale shadow of the either the pleading or chastising tone she had used before when Star Swirl had been threatened.

“Come on, Twilight!” Sunset exclaimed. “This is beyond fucked up! You’ve got to see it! I see it. Starlight sees it. All of our friends see it! Even Spike sees it, and he’s been busy trying to sneak a bite out of all the elements while he thinks nopony is looking.”

All eyes in the room looked to Spike who guiltily closed his mouth and placed the element of generosity back in the pile he had collected in his arms.

Some focus came back to Twilight’s eyes. “Spike!” she said in a tone with substantially more energy behind it then she had directed at Sunset and Starlight.

“Not cool, dawg!” Order called out from the table.

“Hey!” Spike shouted in a protesting tone. “When you live in a world where shelter, money, and world-saving artifacts are often food-based, then you all can judge me!”

Rarity’s eyes lit up. “I just had an exquisite idea for edible underwear.”

Once again, all eyes in the room shifted. This time, to Rarity.

Rarity’s azure eyes took in all the faces looking at her, “But I, uh, I can see how that’s not very relevant right now.”

Sunset continued, “Twilight, you of all ponies...except Starlight and myself… should understand that it’s never too late to save somepony.”

Star Swirl spoke up, “Stygian wants to destroy all that is good in this world!”

“And a fair amount of the bad, presumably,” Sunset quipped.

Star Swirl narrowed his eyes. “There’s no way—”

“You!” Sunset interrupted. “I meant you specifically as the bad if that wasn’t clear.”

Star Swirl grit his teeth. “There’s-no-way-to-befriend-a-pony-like-that!”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Starlight has lots of friends.”

“Hey!” Starlight protested. “Okay, while that much is true, it’s more I had some strong opinions about the Oligarchical and Aristocratic system that continues to be a toxic factor in how Equestria is run.” Starlight frowned. “I mean… I didn’t set out to destroy everything good in the world, that just would have been a byproduct of me succeeding…”

“Which time?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“... Both… Wait… Let me start all over… Uh…” Starlight turned towards Twilight. “I guess I’m lucky your idol wasn’t around when you decided to be my friend. We might’ve been banished to limbo, too.”

Twilight put on a small smile. “But that’s what I’ve been trying to say!” Twilight floated up the parchment she had discovered. “I figured out a way to make it so only the Elements of Harmony will be lost and The Pony of…” Twilight trailed off, seemingly losing steam with each word she said as all semblance of joy fled her face “...Shadows...needs to… be… banished.”

“Awwww!” Order called out from the table again. “Ya concentrated on the opposite thing ya should have concentrated on!”

Sunset narrowed her eyes at Twilight. “OH! So instead of the Pillars sharing in Stygian’s fate, it’s more like most of you are just going out and murdering somepony!”

Another ripple of tense, uncomfortable silence shot through everypony.

Mistmane pursed her lips slightly. “Well, Stygian wouldn’t be dead, exactly. Just trapped for all eternity in a dimension devoid of all substance with only his sad, tortured thoughts to keep him company…”

“...”

The glow faded from Twilight’s horn, and the long stretch of parchment floated unceremoniously to the ground as the Princess of Friendship picked a space unoccupied by any pony and simply stared into it.

Star Swirl walked over to the parchment Twilight had procured. “Why thank you, Strumpet!” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Without bothering to look at the scroll, Star Swirl took it in a white glow, crumpled it up with his magic, and tossed it behind him. “You’ve brought me garbage to throw away! How kind.”

Twilight said nothing. Her eyes glancing at Star Swirl being the only indication she hadn’t checked out of the conversation entirely.

“Er, Twilight?” Sunburst said. “Uh… You know what? This is actually quite nice…” Sunburst once again found himself in Twilight’s arms, but as opposed to the vice-like, rib-crunching grips of before, this was much closer to a gentle embrace as Twilight continued to stare off into space.

Starlight took in the sight of Twilight hugging Sunburst with annoyance, but then shifted her look into a glare dripping with murderous intent from her lilac colored eyes. “Now listen here you bearded flank-hole, we’ve all—” Starlight felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to see Sunset’s smiling, pleading face. “Oh, you have got to be bucking KIDDING me.”

Sunset leaned in close to Starlight and began to whisper. “Yeah, look… sorry… but you might need to tread lightly here… I mean…” Sunset pointed with a forehoof. “Just look at Twilight…”

“... That’s Spike, Sun-SPIKE! PUT DOWN THE CRYSTAL PINK BALLOON!”

“AW, man…”

Sunset frowned. “Okay, everything is like… super blurry past a certain point, so I’m going to trust you can pick out Twilight.”

“She’s almost in hooves reach of us, Sunset! And she looks… empty…”

Sunset nodded. “Yeah, I mean… I think we’re getting through to her, but this is kind of an important juncture… just… I may have already overplayed my hand… hoof?-with beating the old man even though we should totes kill him and get ultra-super-mega pardons from my Mom with glitter, but I don’t know how Twilight would react to that… My guess is, badly… so yeah… Let’s try to avoid more assault here.”

Starlight fixed Sunset with an unamused glare. “I’m judging you, Sunset Shimmer.” Starlight pointed up at her expression with a forehoof. “This is my judging face.”

“I know! I know!” Sunset replied. “But Twilight needs somepony who’s in her corner. Lord knows the rest of our friends have disconnected, Sunburst has his head so far up the old man’s ass, he can probably tell us what Star Swirl ate before being taken out of Limbo, and I’m really hoping this is a real conversation I’m having with a pony and not like… a hallucination from all the drinking I did plus maybe some smoke inhalation…”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Why don’t you just cast the sobriety spell on yourself?!”

“Because that’s what a quitter would do, Starlight!” Sunset exclaimed. “And Sunset Shimmer is a quittank… not quit… Sunset Shimmer doesn’t quit! Now, try to reason without violence with the old, cantankerous fool.”

“I heard that!” Star Swirl exclaimed.

“Er… We all did,” Fluttershy added. “You two aren’t really whispering so much as having a loud conversation together…”

“It’s fine!” Sunset insisted. “I’m glad all this is out in the open where it could be dealt with…” Sunset flung out her forelegs. “Now BEHOLD your new talky-champion!”

Sighing, Starlight’s horn glowed electric blue for a moment and gently shifted Sunset so her forelegs were pointed in the direction of her and not Twilight.

“Uh… BEHOLD!” Sunset repeated with more dramatics. “The pony you should currently listen to the most right now.”

Applejack frowned heavily. “Welp… we’re boned.”

Starlight’s left eye twitched. “Can you all stop high-roading me for like… 10 minutes?” She turned towards Sunset. “Applejack has a point, though. Talking isn’t really my forte, Mrs. Black Pot.”

“I deserved that… but… Try!” Sunset insisted. “For Twilight’s sake.”

Starlight let out a low growl of frustration.

“Come on! You’ve got this~!” Sunset warbled in an odd sing-song tone.

Starlight took a deep breath and let it out, glaring up at the ceiling. “FINE! But you’re taking me out for drinks after all this.”

“Deal!”

“And I get to destroy the bar!”

“… Okay, sure!” Sunset said with a smile. “That’s fair.”

Starlight turned towards Star Swirl. “Look, I know you have trouble trusting mares, despite the fact that Twilight has clearly been bending over backwards to assist you and keep you alive literally the entire time you’ve been here, but Twilight is basically the second best magic user I know.”

Sunset cleared her throat.

“Okay, third.”

It was Sunset’s turn to glower at Starlight. “No, dummy! Subtract a number! Don’t add!”

“Erm… Twilight is the best magic user I know,” Starlight clarified to an approving nod from Sunset. “The least you can do is look over the spell she has there! I mean… she did get her Princess status from completing one of your spells.”

“Yeah!” Applejack exclaimed. “Twilight never half-asses anythin’!” she Applejack.

“Yeah! She whole-asses everything!” stressed Rainbow Dash.

Spike thought for a moment. “Like… all the time,” he added. “It’s exhausting.”

Twili's friends likewise voiced sounds of agreement, save Sunburst who had, much like Twilight, zoned out, except in his case he was clearly actively enjoying the current situation.

Starlight continued, “The very least you can do is look over her spell… and uh… find a way so a poor, misguided pony isn’t sentenced to a fate worse than Tartarus!”

“But he’s a clearly Eeeeevil pony!” Star Swirl insisted.

“He hasn’t DONE anything of note!” Sunset exclaimed.

Order chimed in. “Don’t jump the race starting gate too soon, Sunny.”

Sunset’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, I am so going to get you for that…” she uttered.

Order continued. “Seems our shadowy friend has just discovered the band Limp Sea-Bizkit and he likes their music, and he’s sharing it with any pony unfortunate enough to be in his vicinity!”

A series cringes, and disgusted faces made their way through most of the ponies who hadn't been in limbo for over a century.

“We’re through the looking glass here, ponies,” Spike announced dramatically.

Rainbow Dash tightened her brow and pursed her lips. “What’s wrong with Limp Sea-Bizkit?”

Spike and the other Element Bearers all looked at Rainbow Dash in concern.

“Uh, Dashie…” Pinkie continued, “Don’t take this wrong way, but you’re never allowed to pick music for my or anypony else’s party ever.”

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes. “Okay, but the only way to take that statement is, ‘Your taste in music sucks, Rainbow Dash, and you should feel terrible about yourself.’”

Pinkie nodded. “See! You got it!”

Rainbow Dash let out a disapproving growl.

“Okay, okay!” Starlight exclaimed. “So the Pony of Shadows is being a menace, and maybe we can like… temp banish him until we think of something better, or something...”

“Did you just cast a mind control spell on me?!” Star Swirl demanded of Starlight.

“Uh… No?” Starlight said. “I still have a slight tick on one of my eyes when I see a newspaper from the last time I tried to solve a problem with a mind control spell…”

Sunset grinned proudly to herself.

“Oh,” Star Swirl said, “I only ask because I think your solution sounds adequate and not at all a temporary, at best, solution that’s essentially just absolving me of all responsibility and making a future generation deal with the problem.”

“...”

Sunset clamped down hard on her teeth. “For the record, I’m so upset that I’d actually commit more violence except there is like a fifty-fifty chance I’m starting at Rockhoof and not Star Swirl right now.

“Verily.”

“See!”

Star Swirl looked around for the crumpled-up piece of parchment, took it in a white glow of his horn, and uncrumpled it. Floating it over to his face, he began to skim it.

To everyone’s great surprise, especially Star Swirl’s, his eyes widened. “Strumpet… You… This might actually work!”

Twilight was suddenly shaken from her stupor, her face lit up brighter than that time Rarity got into a Hearth’s Warming Eve decoration war with Vinyl Scratch and they almost burnt down the town.

Star Swirl continued, “Perhaps if this works, you’ll deserve a small note in the history books, after my grand and glorious exposée! And that’ll be the closest I get to suffer being in your presence ever again!”

Twilight suddenly let go of Sunburst. He fell with a heavy ‘thud!’ as Twilight’s expression began to change.

“Ow,” Sunburst said, “Also, awwww…” he added in a disappointed tone.

The change to Twilight’s features was sudden but ever so slight. Her eyes widened, and though still smiling, her lips pulled taut. And unbeknownst to all ponies in the room, something behind Twilight Sparkle’s eyes suddenly snapped.

All pony, save one.

Most Twilight’s friends erupted in a chorus of protests, and none protested louder or more angrily then Starlight Glimmer. “NOW WAIT A BUCKING SECOND HE—” Starlight felt yet another tap on her shoulder. Starlight wheeled on Sunset Shimmer. “Oh, COME ON! I TRIED! YOU SAW ME TRY!”

Sunset merely gave Starlight a blank look and leaned forward. “I know that look on Twilight…” she said in a hushed tone as the arguing continued.

“Look?!” Starlight turned to look at Twilight. “She looks, happy. But, uh… fake happy. And I know fake ha-Oh…” Starlight trailed off as realization stuck.

“That’s right, ‘oh,’” Sunset said. “That’s the look of a pony who just ran out of patience. That’s the look of a pony whose fresh out of fucks to give.” Sunset shook her head. “I was trying to get Star Swirl to do that, but he broke Twilight first and well… For his sake, he better hope she’s not fresh out of mercy, too.”

“So… We just… wai—?”

“ENOUGH ALREADY!” bellowed Star Swirl. “I’VE ACCEPTED THE STRUMPET’S PLAN; NOW WE MUST FIND WHERE THE PONY OF SHADOWS IS HIDING.”

Starlight sighed heavily. “I just love being interrupted! Have I mentioned how much I love being interrupted?”

Sunset chuckled. “Easy, tiger,” she soothed.

Star Swirl looked over the map on the table as the rhythmic sounds of a tiny generator continued. “Now, we must scour all of Equestria! Surely, the Pony of Shadows must be hiding amongst one of these dark places here.”

Pinkie gasped. “Then we can pair up with our respective Pillar ponies and go on several mind-blowing adventures that’ll take chapters to get through!”

A deep voice boomed from the table. “OR you can just ask the talking dog in the magic surveillance table for help!”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip in a pout. “BuuuuuUUuuuuuUUUuut road trip!” she lamented.

“NO!” Order shouted. “Look just…”

A collection of startled “Ah!”s ran through the group as the Element Bearer’s cutie marks began to glow and vibrate. Copies of their marks flew from their flanks and shrank down, picking a spot on the table to gather around.

Spike looked at the spot where the cutie marks swirled about and pointed. “Maybe we should try there?”

“What is it, boy?!” Sunset asked with mock enthusiasm towards the table. “Is that where little Stygian is hiding down a well?!”

“Oh, for crying out loud, Sunny! That’s borderline speciesist!”

Sunset chuckled to herself. “Yeah… I know…”

Spike continued. “Those rocks kinda look like a set of interlocking shields…” His expression turned serious. “Shields that, maybe, protected the current occupant from the harsh, harsh realities of an unforgiving world that didn’t appreciate or even understand them,” he stated dramatically.

Starlight raised an eyebrow in Spike direction. “Are you method acting here, or are you not getting enough attention in the castle?”

It was Spike’s turn to put on a pout. “I miss being Twilight’s cuddle-buddy…”

“The Hollow Shades,” Applejack said before she rubbed her chin. “I think a branch of the Apple family lives there.”

Sunburst took a few gasping breaths as he practically crawled his way up by the table. “They’d have to-gasp-be pretty distant. Wheeze-The Hallow Shades was abandoned-huff-eons ago.”

Rarity glanced down at her vibrating cutie mark. “Hmm, that’s odd. The only time the map’s called all of us to one place was Starlight’s village.”

“Don’t pretend like I’m not here!” Order snapped.

Rainbow Dash floated up to the swirling mass of marks and pointed. “So it’s like a super-villain tracker!” Realization hit Rainbow Dash as she turned towards Starlight. “No offense,” she hastily added.

“Heeeeeey,” Starlight said cheerfully, “fuck you, weather station exploder,” she added, not so cheerfully.

Sunset tapped at her chin thoughtfully as her lips twisted. “Huh… Kinda starting to wish my human friends had committed some borderline terrorist acts for situations similar to this one.”

Twilight began to speak in a distant, somewhat eerie, monotone. “Do you think the map could be trying to tell us where the Pony of Shadows is?”

“I am absolutely doing that right now!” Order stated. “Do NOT run off on a bunch of time-wasting trips to try and find-Pinkie! I see you! Put down that map of Manehattan! Yes! Down, girl! Down! That’s a good girl!”

Star Swirl looked over the map thoughtfully. “Hmm… The Tree of Harmony acting to protect the light of the realm—”

“Oh my GODS, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PONIES?!”

“…Yes. A good thought, strumpet.”

Twilight opened her mouth as if to express joy, but no sound came out.

Star Swirl examined the parchment Twilight had recovered. “I will make my notes on this spell, and therefore, improve it at least a hundred-fold… perhaps even a thousand-fold.” Star Swirl regarded those present. “Ready yourselves for battle.”

“No need!” Flash Magnus insisted. “We are all still plenty drunk!”

“Not ALL of us!” Rainbow Dash reminded bitterly.

“Oh, right…” Flash said. “Half of us will need to get plenty drunk while the other half eggs them on beyond what is a reasonable amount of alcohol.”

“Woo-whoo!” Somnambula cried from the ground as she thrust a forehoof upwards.

“Erm…uh… yes…” Fluttershy said. “Woo…”

Starlight sighed. “I know I’m not as experienced as all of you…”

“The fuck does that even mean, Starry?!” Sunset exclaimed.

“I… shut up! I’m going somewhere with this, alright?!”

“Okay, my bad!” Sunset replied. “Shutting up, now.”

“Just… is banishment really the only option?” Starlight added. “I mean, it’s been a long time. Maybe the Pony of Shadows is ready to talk?”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “It sounds like everypony has maybe been locked in a sort of statis, but okay.”

Starlight turned and sneered at Sunset. “Not helping!” she hissed.

“Right, my bad, Spike.”

“... You did that on purpose!”

Sunset snickered. “Maaaybe…” she offered playfully.

Star Swirl scoffed. “I doubt we can save our homeland with a conversation, evil one!”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Okay, but Twilight does that kind of a lot.”

Sunset nodded. “It’s how she saves Equestria about half the time.”

“Right!” Starlight agreed. “It’s pretty much per primary modus operandi, and it usually WORKS!”

“Starlight,” Twilight deadpanned. “I’m sure Star Swirl and the others did try.”

Rockhoof frowned. “Actually, Star Swirl threw lit matches at Stygian and called him names until he started crying, wet himself, and then ran away.”

Twilight’s left eye twitched.

Starlight tossed a wayward glance at Twilight, then looked toward Sunset. “Erm, isn’t she like… supposed to explode in fiery-rage?”

Sunset chuckled darkly. “She will. This is just the calm before the murder-storm…”

“Alright, everypony!” Order barked out. “Clear out! And don’t do anything stupid that gets rid of the elements.I have very little to entertain myself with and books are not meant for a creature my size!”

“Then we shall go to WAR!” Star Swirl exclaimed.

“That is the opposite of the thing I just said!” cried Order.

“The Pony of Shadows was not interested in reconciliation!” Star Swirl declared. “Once a villain, always a villian.”

Starlight narrowed her eyes.

Sunset just laughed to herself. “I’m sorry. I must have blundered into saving the day while trying to commit eeeevil, all those times.”

Star Swirl shot Sunset one more glare. “Sunburst, would you accompany me? I wish to refine this spell for our use away from the pollutants of mares.”

Twilight’s mouth seemed to twitch and move slightly accompanied by a soft, grinding noise.

“Oh, right… of course…” Sunburst said as he and Star Swirl vacated the room.

“Come!” Rockhoof said. “We must prepare for the struggle ahead. This involves drinking…” the giant smiled widely. “Soooo, much drinking…”

Rainbow Dash pumped a forehoof into the air. “Yes!”

“Shoot, I’m down,” Applejack said as she followed most of the other ponies out of the room. “It’s been a day…” she added as she and Pinkie bent down to each grab one of Somnambula’s forelegs and drag her out of the room.

Mistmane slapped the back of Spike. “Yes, and even a pint for our pint-sized friend here.”

“Hah! Score!” Spike exclaimed.

Rarity pursed her lips into a small frown. “Erm, perhaps I should be the last pony to bring this up, but Spike is a baby dragon still…”

“You’re right!” Flash Magnus called out from the hallway as the ponies and dragon all made their exit. “Two pints! He’s a growing boy after all!”

After a round of boisterous laughter, the room went quiet. Empty, except for the Table of Harmony and its swirling cutie marks, Sunset Shimmer, Starlight Glimmer, and Twilight Sparkle.

Starlight gave Sunset a weary glance. “So… is it okay to talk to Twilight?”

Sunset shrugged. “Should be… We’re not the two ponies Twilight is most pissed at.”

Starlight turned and nodded. “Right… So, Twilight… I know Star Swirl is a grea—” Starlight suddenly swallowed hard, her face taking on a slightly green hue. “—goo—" Starlight dry heaved. “Oka—” she collapsed to the floor and made a sickly gurgling sound.

Sunset looked down in concern. “Uh… you alright down there, Starry?”

Starlight got back up to her hooves. “It’s fine… I think I got this… I know Star Swirl is a guy who also uses magic and is of some renown.” Starlight couldn’t help but cringe at her own modestly offered sentence.

Sunset just chuckled. “Man, Starlight… that clearly cost you something…”

Starlight continued, “but this whole plan seems… wrong. The Map’s only ever sent us to solve friendship problems.”

“This is, in fact, a FRIENDSHIP PROBLEM!” Order stressed from inside table. “Do NOT do something stupid like banishing the Pony of Shadows with that poor, hapless nerd inside of it! Listen to Starli…Oh GODS, Starlight is the one talking sense! Batten the hatches everypony, it’s the buckin’ apocalypse!”

“Fuck you too, tiny creepshow peeper dog!” Starlight snapped.

“It is fine, Starlight Glimmer,” Twilight said in a near robotic tone. “Everything is going to be just fine.”

Starlight simply let out an uncomfortable, “Uhhh…”

Sunset’s forehead tightened.

“Now, friends,” Twilight continued, “if that is all, I would ask that you please leave me for a little bit.”

Sunset’s eyes shot open wide. “Oh, shit…”

Starlight’s eyes narrowed resolutely. “Not until you listen to—”

“Not now, Starlight!” Sunset exclaimed in a frightened tone. “We need to find cover!”

“Wait…” Order said from the table. “What is she…”

“Grrrreat…” Starlight said sarcastically. “More being interrupted! Just… just what I always—”

Sunset suddenly grabbed hold of Starlight. “Leave now! Be snarky to me later!”

“Okay, but—”

‘BAMF!’

“No, no, no, NO!” Order shouted. “Alexa! Raise shield.”

“Shield… By Deep Purple!”

“DAMN YOU, ALEXA! OH, FORGET IT! I’M HIDING IN THE BUNKER!”

Finally, mostly alone, Twilight’s horn began to glow magenta as her head tilted askew and began to vibrate as a light drum beat grew in volume. The drums were then accompanied by a rhythmic baseline as the glow from Twilight’s horn only increased. Some seconds later, a guitar joined the tune. Meanwhile, Twilight’s head began to shake almost violently as her horn blazed with energy that whistled a promise of destruction. A singer joined the instruments.

“Mama plays a queen on the hill built on a dream~”

“While the children play in the field~”

Then Twilight let out a scream.

A scream that was quickly cut short.

As she unmade the very air around her.

Point Break

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The danger met, the ponies in pairs, the heroes of past and present had joined forces to end the nightmare. Though the villain had picked his lair, he best beware, as he was facing the mighty Star Swirl the Bearded and didn’t have a prayer.

What pony or monster would dare to attempt to ensnare this mage extraordinaire? Why, the Pony of Shadows, a perhaps once square heir to the title of one who would defend Equestria’s welfare. While this twisted pony of darkness continued down the path of warfare, Star Swirl had power to spare to protect his associates; and unwelcome hangers-on’s welfare.

A shiny shield deserving of great fanfare went up from this wizard’s horn most rare. Nowhere was there a trace that Star Swirl and his band of prepared heroes would err, amazing even though most of the ponies there were, in fact - mares.

Even if these poor ponies were unaware that their strengths just couldn’t compa—

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! FOR CELESTIA’S SAKE, SHUT THE BUCK UP YOU PATHETIC OLD MISOGYNIST!”

Startled from both magic and meter, Star Swirl dropped his shield; which would have been fatal for a number of ponies, if it weren’t for the fact that the Pony of Shadows likewise ceased his attack.

All eyes were now on Twilight Sparkle. Eyes belonging to over a dozen ponies, one small dragon and the looming, and somewhat confused looking, creator of shadow. For a moment, no pony said anything as they simply stood in place inside the massive hall of marble pillars holding up a brownstone ceiling among similarly colored walls.

If there was a hint that Twilight regretted her outburst, she didn’t outwardly show it. Instead, her eyes were still full of fire. An angry, raging fire that she directed at Star Swirl, even as her chest heaved up and down with heavy breaths.

Smirking to herself, Sunset Shimmer held out a forehoof. “Pay up,” she said to one of the purple entities standing by her.

Spike cleared his throat and gently ribbed Sunset in the side with an elbow.

Somewhat flustered expression on her face, Sunset put down her forehoof and then raised the other one to hold out in front of a different purple entity. “Pay up,” she repeated.

“Oh, no problem!” Starlight Glimmer exclaimed as her horn glowed electric blue for a moment. A bag full of bits appeared, “Totally worth it!” she added as the bag fell into Sunset’s waiting forehoof.

As his surprise abated, Star Swirl’s eyes filled with seething rage as the immediate threat of the Pony of Shadows was forgotten. Not that it mattered, Twilight was now holding everyponies’ attention regardless of prior intent.

Gathering enough wits to defend himself, Star Swirl began to speak. “You dare raise your voice at—”

“JUST SHUT UP!” Twilight demanded. “WHAT PART OF ‘SHUT THE BUCK UP’ WAS HARD TO UNDERSTAND, EXACTLY?!” She leaned forward, her breath striking hot against Star Swirl’s beard. “DID I STUTTER?! AM I NOT SPEAKING LOUD ENOUGH SO YOU CAN HEAR ME OVER THE CONSTANT WINDBAG WHICH NEVER EMPTIES THAT IS YOUR MOUTH?!” Twilight shook her head. “Starlight was right! This is all wrong!”

“Yay!” Starlight exclaimed happily.

“Shut up, Starlight,” Twilight said simply without bothering to make eye contact with her castlemate.

Star Swirl’s eyes widened in surprise as he began to stutter meekly “I…I…”

“SERIOUSLY! JUST SHUT THE BUCK UP FOR A MINUTE! OR LIKE, IS YOUR NEXT SENTENCE ANOTHER INCOMPLETE SPELL OF YOURS I NEED TO FINISH FOR YOU?!”

“Oh, clap!” Pinkie exclaimed as she clapped her forehooves together.

“Arrows have been let loose from their bows!” Flash Magnus exclaimed

Star Swirl began to shrink his shoulders, his eyes going wide. “Er, um, I…”

“LET ME HELP YOU OUT, THEN! ‘I, STAR SWIRL THE BEARDED, AM THE BIGGEST FLANK-HOLE EQUESTRIA HAS EVER SEEN OR SMELLED, AND I THINK JUST BECAUSE I KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT MAGIC TO BANISH MY PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY DEALING WITH THEM LIKE A BUCKING FUNCTIONAL ADULT, THAT I HAVE LICENSE TO TREAT OTHERS LIKE DIRT RATHER THEN FESS UP TO THE FACT I HAVE ZERO SOCIAL SKILLS AND AN INABILITY TO HELP ANYPONY WITHOUT, IN TURN, FOISTING MY PROBLEMS ON SOMEPONY ELSE?! THAT ABOUT COVER IT?!”

Raising their right forelegs, along with Spike who raised his right arm, Starlight, Sunset, and the small dragon pumped their right appendage in the air in a circular manner as they simultaneously shouted “Oooooooooooh!”

“Alright,” Applejack interrupted, “Ah hate to be that pony—”

“Then don’t!” Rainbow Dash interjected.

Eyes narrowing, Applejack continued, “Are we just going to ignore the giant shadowy monster in the room?”

“Oh, it’s fine,” The Pony of Shadows said. “Watching Star Swirl get dressed down by a mare is the best thing I’ve ever seen.” He shook his head. “Out of curiosity, has any pony ever told you that you should figure out how to chill?”

Her forehead tightening so hard and fast it almost looked like she’d pull a muscle up there, Applejack let out an exasperated sigh as Rarity and Rainbow Dash took their own turn pumping their forelegs in the air as they shouted “Oooooooooooh!”

Taking her attention off Star Swirl, Twilight shot a glare at the Pony of Shadows and leveled a forehoof. “And YOU! Spit out Stygian!”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me!” Twilight said. “Spit him out!”

The Pony of Shadows narrowed his eyes. “I will not just ‘spit out’ Stygian!”

The other ponies and dragon present turned their head one way then the other as attention was now focused on Twilight and the Pony of Shadows.

“Come on! Drop it! Droooop it!”

“No!”

“Don’t make me come in there!” Twilight said in a vaguely threatening tone.

The Pony of Shadows let out a short, derisive “Hah!” and shook his head. “As if you have the guts to—”

Rolling her eyes, Twilight took a quick leap and dove straight into the center of the Pony of Shadows, disappearing into the inky black mist.

“Holy crud!” Starlight bleated, her sentiment echoed by the ponies around her.

Sunburst’s eyes widened and his glasses nearly fell off his face as he leaned forward and gawked in surprise. “Well that’s not in any book I’ve read…”

Sunset just shook her head. “I’m telling you guys, Twilight has just completely run out of bucks to give at this point.”

“Uh…” The Pony of Shadows tapped at his chest, finding it was quite solid to his shadowy touch. “Is… is that what it’s like to be possessed? Wow, that’s unnerving…”

Giggling to herself, Pinkie reached into her mane. “I wonder what else we can throw in there!”

Her face bathed in a magenta glow from her horn, Twilight flapped through the inky blackness of the Pony of Shadows. Though the darkness of her surroundings seemed like it might swallow her whole into the oppressive and seemingly unending void of despair, it was somehow not nearly as frightening as the rage-filled glare still plastered across the Princess of Friendship’s face.

Spotting something besides more empty darkness, Twilight landed next to a grey pony in a beat-up tunic who was huddling on some sort of solid vertical plane of this shadow realm. “Are you Stygian?” Twilight asked.

“I was once. Until my friends betrayed me,” Stygian said in a sad tone.

“Not really how they tell it,” Twilight replied in a dry tone, “They say that you betrayed them. That you wanted their magic…”

“No!” Stygian insisted as a rubber ducky floated by in the darkness. “I wanted their respect! I brought them together. I planned strategy and I read all I could about the beasts we faced. But I didn’t have magic or stre—”

Twilight quickly placed a forehoof up to Stygian’s mouth. “Look, I didn’t ask for your boring life story. Why don’t we get out of this shadow entity and you can tell the whole thing to the Pillars?” she said, lowering her forehoof as a bit of cotton candy floated by. Twilight instead held her foreleg out as if she was offering Stygian to take it. “Come on, I’ll even help.”

Stygian narrowed his eyes, his azure irises and pupils suddenly replaced by empty white sockets that blazed with anger and shadow beginning to wrap about his body like a dark flame spilling out from him. “Even if my friends did still care, what makes you think you have the power to help me?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Hello? Princess of Friendsh—”

“Because it’s what she does,” Starlight said as she floated down behind Twilight in the darkness, the electric blue glow around her dissipating as she walked closer to the other ponies in the area. This elected an irritated glare and equally vexed growl from Twilight that Starlight seemingly took no notice of. Starlight continued in a soothing tone, “I wasn’t so different from you—”

Sunset’s voice suddenly bellowed inside the realm of shadow. “Starlight, get out of the nebulous shadow creature!”

Starlight turned and fired off a pout into the darkness. “But, I’m trying to help!”

“I’m pretty damn sure Twilight doesn’t need your help!” Sunset said. “As you said, ‘this is what she does’!” There was a sigh from Sunset Shimmer. “I swear, Starlight; I know you have relevant experience here, but not everything revolves around you, you know!”

Starlight puffed out her lower lip further. “But—”

“Wait,” Twilight said, “You can hear us out there?”

“Verily!” Rockhoof exclaimed.

There was a giggle from Somnambula. “We can hear everything! Tell Stygian he’s super forgiven!”

Stygian’s face lit up

“WHAT!” Star Swirl exclaimed. “I didn’t agree to—”

The sound of a ‘Smack!’ reverberated through the dark realm, Star Swirl punctuated his statement with a surprised yelp before mumbling something about an orange harlot who smelled like an exploded fermentation chamber and her devil parchment.

“Okay,” Twilight said, “but he can hear you all too, so…Uh, what’s the Pony of Shadows doing?”

“Dude, he’s totally freaking out!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

A quieter “Dang it, Pinkie!” was uttered from Sunset as a newspaper suddenly appeared and likewise drifted listlessly through empty space.

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?!” The Pony of Shadows exclaimed. “WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PONIES AND THINGS INSIDE ME?!”

“That is what SHE said!” Mistmane called out much to the delight of the ponies outside the shadows.

Twilight simply sighed and shook her head. “Starlight, can you give us some space?”

“Oh… okay,” Starlight replied in a gloomy tone. “But, are you sure you don’t—”

“I got this,” Twilight stressed. “Just wait outside with the others, alright?”

Starlight took a deep breath. “Alright, fine,” she said dejectedly as she turned. Her horn began glowing electric blue again, fully encompassing her in a similar glow as she began to float past a large, wooden grandfather clock.

Twilight cried out into the void. “AND PINKIE, STOP THROWING THINGS INSIDE THE GIANT MONSTER OF PURE DARKNESS!”

“Awwww…” Pinkie’s voice replied in a sad tone.

Twilight turned back to Stygian. “Now then, were where we?”

“You said you could help me.”

Twilight nodded. “Totally. I can absolutely do that.”

“Stygian, just come out here!” Mage Meadowbrook shouted. “Mistmane and Ah just grew your favorite cake!”

Flash Magnus spoke up. “Aye! And Pinkie Pie has already begun hanging up streamers in this stone temple of evil!”

“See!” Twilight said motioning to the emptiness behind her. “Let’s just get out of here and you can come celebrate with everypony and talk out your problems like a normal pony instead of throwing a magical fit and threatening the world with extinction.”

“HEY! We HEARD that!” Starlight exclaimed.

“Good!” Twilight shouted back. “You were meant to!”

“Fine!” Starlight growled back. “But Sunset and I are not- Sunset?! Why are you laughing?!”

Stygian grit his teeth as his eyes glowed white once more and shadow began to completely overtake his body. “I… I want to believe you…” He let out a short growl. “But the darkness will not be st—"

With a magenta glow from her horn, Twilight ripped the newspaper from the open air and brought it across Stygian’s face with a light ‘thwap!’

“Ow!” Stygian meeped as his eyes once again returned to normal and the shadows around him dissipated somewhat. He shot Twilight a somewhat hurt glance as the princess released the newspaper from her magic and glared upwards. “Hey, Pony of Shadows! I’m taking Stygian. Deal with it!”

“Uh… erm… FOOL!” The Pony of Shadows bellowed. “I will not simply release Stygian!” The darkness shifted, somehow becoming blacker with ill intent. “But perhaps if some pony where to trade places…”

A dual snicker belonging to Sunset and Starlight could be heard.

Twilight simply let out an exasperated sigh and raised a forehoof to her head. “Let’s go…” she said to Stygian as her horn glowed magenta and she enclosed Stygian in her magic.

“Erm, but…”

“It’s FINE!” Twilight stressed as she fapped her wings, lifting off as she levitated Stygian to follow. “Don’t worry about it,” she added as a familiar heap of beard, bells, and pony flew into the shadows, screaming the entire time.

Light mixed with darkness as laughter poured forth from the Pony of Shadows. Evil laughter that reverberated over the stone walls with their menacing descriptions and frightful statues. As the cackling grew, so did the creature himself, his blazing body of white and black growing large enough to touch the ceiling of the massive cavern the ponies, and single dragon, found themselves in.

Applejack shot Sunset and Starlight a glare. “So,” Applejack began, “at what point did it seem like a good idea to give the giant shadow monster a super-powerful wizard as a vessel?”

Sunset simply sneered back at Applejack. “Oh, come on! Pretty much every pony here was at least thinking it!”

“Oh, really?” Applejack said dryly. “Even Fluttershy?”

“Erm… especially Fluttershy,” Fluttershy replied as Mage Meadowbrook nodded in agreement.

Applejack let out a sigh. “Well, Ah’m sure Ah’ve had worst days than this one, but this is still a pretty cruddy day to be my last.”

Making landfall and gently lowering her cargo to the ground, Twilight relinquished Stygian to the other Pillars. She then glared over the ponies and dragon present, her gaze focusing on two ponies in particular. Two ponies who - even as maniacal laughter echoed throughout the hall, looked back at Twilight like cats who had just broke into a canary store and had a feeding frenzy.

“What?!” Sunset said in a protesting tone as she floated a particularly plump looking grape from a nearby snack table that had been set up and popped it into her mouth.

“We can’t just get rid of Star Swirl by offering him to the Pony of Shadows!”

A series of annoyed protests erupted amongst the ponies.

“But if we banish the Pony of Shadows now, that’s two PoSs at once!” Spike pointed out. “Sounds like a good idea to me!”

Applejack took a step forward. “As much as I don’t like the old coot either, don’t we kinda need him to banish anything? Ah thought we had to pair up and all that…”

Somnambula pushed Stygian closer. “Twilight can try pairing up with Stygian!” she suggested as a slight blush appeared on Stygian’s face.

The Pony of Shadows laughed once more. “Do you simpletons really think you can simply SUBSTITUTE A—”

“Dude,” Sunset called out, “There’s like… uh…” Somewhat clumsily, Sunset attempted to count how many ponies were present. “…A LOT OF us! And one of you! We just don’t CARE!”

“You foolish ponies honestly think your power compares to mine!?”

“Uh, no d’uh?” Pinkie replied.

“Perhaps you were a match when we first met, but with the power of Star Swirl and my Well of Shade, I’m invi—”

“Then we’ll just BLOW UP this place!” Starlight exclaimed.

“But, erm, it’s of historical significance!” Sunburst protested. “We didn’t even know it existed until just now!”

“Erm… YES! Listen to the scholarly po—!”

“Just SHUT UP!” Twilight shouted “Every pony! SHUT UP!”

The Pony of Shadow glared menacingly at the tiny purple princess bellow him. “YOU DARE—”

“PoS, SHUT UP!” Twilight screamed.

“BUT, PRIN—”

“NO, HEY! SHUT UP!” Twilight narrowed her eyes. “It’s Twilight time!”

Simply staring down at the pony who was but a mere fraction of its size, the Pony of Shadows remained quiet this time.

Taking a deep breath, Twilight turned to face the other ponies. “Again! We can’t just banish or destroy the Pony of Shadows with Star Swirl inside him!”

Sunset smirked. “I’m fairly certain we’re powerful enough to do just that.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Twilight said. “We can’t do it because it’s morally repugnant.”

“Oh, right, right!” Starlight said as a sudden realization seemed to come over her. “I’ve always had a bit of a blind spot with those... things…”

Applejack cocked her head slightly. “Uh, Ah guess partially in the interest of not being ‘that pony’ anymore, Twilight, don’t tell me you still like Star Swirl?”

“I still like what he’s done for the field of magic and probably some of the times he’s saved pony kind,” Twilight countered. “And no, I don’t like the way he’s acted or treated you guys or, me. The doesn’t mean he deserves to be banished to Limbo or killed!”

Sunset popped a few more grapes into her mouth, chewed, and swallowed. “Dohesn’t it though~?” she slurred out in a warble.

Twilight glared at Sunset. “Sunset, could I get you to shut up for a minute while I make my point?”

Sunset’s turquoise eyes opened slightly. “Yeah, alright. That’s fair…”

Twilight continued, “Star Swirl’s behavior is deplorable. Just horrible… But it’s not like any of you have come up with any ideas besides straight up murdering or pummeling the guy!”

Sunset and Starlight both chuckled to themselves. “Yeah…” they uttered wistfully.

Twilight let out a groan. “Look, this is a friendship problem, right? The answer can’t be 'just give up on Star Swirl! That’s basically the same solution you were all getting on Star Swirl’s case about!”

The group went quiet, merely shifting uncomfortably at Twilight’s words.

The Pony of Shadows cleared its throat. “So… Should we have that epic showdown now, or…”

“No,” Twilight said simply as she disappeared with a magenta glow of her horn and a ‘pomff’, only to reappear a split-second later with a screaming Star Swirl huddled in a mass of his own jingly cape.

“Awwwwwwwwwww…” The Pony of Shadows exclaimed as he began to shrink down to a size only slightly larger than the average pony and a shape that had turned vaguely grandfather-clockish.

“AAAAAAHHHHHH—”

Twilight not so gently kicked at Star Swirl with a forehoof. “Would you stop screaming! I already rescued you!”

“AAAAAAAHHHHH-Oh…” Star Swirl said as he opened his eyes and noted his world was no longer that of pure darkness and shadow. “Okay, then…” Star Swirl got back up to his hooves with an expression that at least suggested he still held onto all the dignity he had when he first entered the gorge. “I suppose you’re expecting a ‘Thank you’, strumpet,” he said, floating his bell hat back atop his head and adjusting it.

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “No. Now apologize!”

Star Swirl narrowed his eyes at Twilight. “What?!” he exclaimed in a tone that was clearly demanding an explanation.

Twilight swatted a forehoof across Star Swirl’s face. “I just pulled you out of a undimension that you’d have spent with some sort of depressing shadow creature with for all of eternity if you both survived the next few minutes!”

The Pony of Shadows raised a forehoof. “I’m still confident I could have won!”

Spike folded his arms across his chest. “Twilight took Star Swirl out of you, in like… a second. Do you think she’d have not thought of that if she wanted to fight you?”

The Pony of Shadows sighed heavily and hung his dark ethereal head. “I miss my music…” he muttered to himself.

Twilight continued glaring at Star Swirl, “The least you can do is apologize for how you’ve treated everypony today!”

Star Swirl put on a flabbergasted look as if he couldn’t process what was being said to him. “What?”

‘Smack!’

“What country are you from, Star Swirl?”

“… What?!”

‘Pow!”

"I’ve studied the globe and ‘What’ is not a country I’ve ever seen! Do they speak Equestrian in ‘What?’

“… What?!”

‘Clober!’

“ ‘Equestrian’, mother bucker?! Do. You. Speak. It?!”

“… Yes!”

“Then you understand the words I’m speaking to you right now!”

“… Yes!”

“Then use your words to apologize to my friends and I!”

“… What?”

Twilight’s horn suddenly blazed with magenta energy, her own horn seemingly humming with killing intent. “Say ‘What’ again! Come on! Say ‘What’ again! I dare you, I double dare you motherbucker, say ‘What’ one more Celestia damned time!”

Star Swirl simple mumbles incoherently before offering a weak, “I- I’m sorry…”

“Didn’t quite catch that!” Twilight said, her horn glowing all the brighter.

“I… I’m sorry, Princess Twilight Sparkle!” Star Swirl said hastily. “My behavior since you rescued me and my friends from Limbo has been inexcusable.” Star Swirl swallowed as he looked at the blaze of pure magic energy coming from Twilight’s horn. “I can see that now.”

“Now apologize to my friends! Especially Starlight and Spike!”

Star Swirl took a deep breath and turned to Starlight and Spike. “I’m… sorry… Starlight… You’ve proven that even a once evil pony… can uh… erm… Adjust well enough to be a contributing member of society, I suppose.”

Pinkie snickered. “Jury’s still out on that one…”

“HEY!” Starlight protested.

“Mind controooool~” Pinkie sang with a smile on her face.

Starlight sighed and muttered out a small. “Fair…”

Star Swirl turned to Spike. “Erm, and you…. uh… devilish Imp… I’m sorry that uh… you’re a devilish imp.”

Rarity scoffed. “That was barely an apology! That was a back-hoofed apology at best.”

Spike simply shrugged. “You know what, I got laid today… I ain’t even mad.”

Star Swirl turned toward Twilight, an annoyed glare on his face. “I trust that will suffice?”

“No,” Twilight replied as an uncharacteristically devilish grin crossed her face. “Now apologize, to Sunset.”

“WHAT?!”

‘BzzzzZZZZAAAP!”

Sunburst let out a distressed yelp as Star Swirl glanced up frightfully at the spot the bell hat he had been wearing had just occupied before Twilight disintegrated it.

“Apologize to Sunset Shimmer right bucking now!” Twilight demanded.

After a moment of careful consideration, Star Swirl replied with a simple “… Incinerate me.”

“… What?!” Twilight replied, a word that was soon echoed by all present but Sunset who simply found herself smirking.

“I said ‘incinerate me’! I would rather die than apologize to that temper tantrum throwing harlot!”

Sunset’s turquoise eyes rolled around her eye sockets so hard that the night only visible through the hole in the ceiling above turned day for a moment. “Christ, dude…The pot is so black here that it’s absorbing light.”

“Uh…” The Pony of Shadow raised a forehoof. “Racist much?”

“You wanted to cover the world in darkness!” Sunset snapped. “You don’t count!”

“Wow! Rude!” The Pony of Shadows replied. “Just because I’m a creature created out of pure jealousy and sadness who craves the despair he causes other ponies, doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.”

Sunset mealy ignored the comment and turned. “Twilight, it’s fi—”

—With a glow of her horn, Starlight gently lifted and turned Sunset so she was facing Twilight. —

“—ne. I was going to tell Mr. Pot there to unroll it and shove it up his flank-hole sideways, anyways!”

Eyes filling and then spilling over with pure hated, Star Swirl glared at Sunset as he stomped towards her. “Madam! You are by far the worse creature I’ve ever met in my travels, and I have fought beasts that defy description!”

The Pillars all gasped.

“Oh my…” Meadowbrook uttered. “That includes the horror beast of Id.”

The rest of the Pillars shuddered.

“It was all genitals…” Rockhoof murmured as he stared far, far into the distance.

Mistmane shrugged. “Well, I had a good time…”

Sunset’s eyes furrowed. “What’ssa matter? The mirrors you make portals to dump your problems out of stop reflecting when they’re done? Or maybe they just do that as a defense mechanism!”

With the exception of Sunset’s, every single jaw in the area dropped.

“Oh… Oh clap!” The Pony of Shadows uttered as he attempted to clap his forehooves together. “Oh geez… They’re just shadow… Could somepony…?”

“I gotcha, boo!” Pinkie shouted out as she clapped her hooves together.

Somnambula turned towards Twilight. “Twilight Sparkle, please hold your magic. There is no need to incinerate Star Swirl at this point…” She glanced at the bearded pony whose face was contorted in absolute rage and shame. “There is simply nothing left to burn.”

“I… You… You dare… Tongue lashing…!”

The Pillars collectively collected their jaws off the ground. Flash Magnus’s wing suddenly flew up in the air. “And I do believe that’s the end of the dual Sunset and Star Swirl started. Game set and match.” He looked about his peers. “All in favor of making Sunset Shimmer the new leader of the Pillars?”

“Aye!” the pillars cried, Flash Magnus’s voice joining them.

“What?!” Star Swirl roared. “Neigh! 1,000 times neigh!”

“The ‘aye’s have it!”

“WHAT?!” Star Swirl protested. “How DARE you all! My vote counts for—”

‘POW!’

Star Swirl was once again cut off by yet another newspaper that was smashed against the side of his face.

“Your vote counts for ShQUAT in MY new Pillarsh!” Sunset exclaimed. “OR shall I say, Shunset Shihmmer’s Kick-ass Team of ASS kickersssh!”

“Please no…” Star Swirl murmured in quiet horror.

Rarity nodded. “You might want to workshop that name, darling… It’s potentially offensive to donkeys…”

“WORKSHOP LATER! POWER TRIP NOW!” Sunset shouted. She leveled a forehoof at Star Swirl. “Now your only job ish to fetch me drinks and tell me how pretty I am every day!”

Star Swirl let out a tortured groan and turned towards Twilight. “Are you certain I can’t convince you to incinerate me?”

Twilight let out a small chuckle, the tension she had felt up to this point finally beginning to leave her body.

“What about me?!” Demanded the Pony of Shadows.

“Erm.. What about you?” Fluttershy replied, her sentiments clearly echoing that of her comrades.

“I’ve had something taken from me! I demand recompense!”

The ponies present all exchanged confused glances.

“Or you’ll what?!” Starlight asked.

“Or... erm… I’ll ABSORB the ambient energy of this dark place and destroy you all!”

His face tightening, Spike raised a claw, palm facing upwards. “If you could have done that, wouldn’t you have done that already?”

“I uh… erm…” The Pony of Shadows closed his eyes and began to quake. “It’s… it’s working!” The Pony of Shadows grunted. “I can… huff…puff… FEEL myself growing LARGER!” he exclaimed, clearly not growing larger at all.

Sunburst just stared at the Pony of Shadows in amazement, floating off his glasses momentarily to clean them with the end of his cape and placing them back on his muzzle as if he couldn’t believe what he was watching. “This… this is the saddest thing I have ever seen, and I once caught myself in the mirror after I forgot to shower or even leave my house after a couple weeks of binge reading.”

The ponies around Sunburst let out various noises of disgust.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh, like we all haven’t been there before…”

“Uh, Twi—”

—Everypony around Sunset reached out and spun her to face Twilight and not Spike.—

“—light. Literally no other pony here besides you and Sunburst has done that before…”

“Oh…” Twilight said with a slightly embarrassed smile as Pinkie giggled to herself as she tossed salt water taffy into the Pony of Shadows.

“THERE! I just grew like… Half a hooves length!”

“Just stop, alright?” Twilight said. “Look, I have a solution that’s mostly beneficial to everypony!”

“Really?!” The Pony of Shadow exclaimed, his dark face lighting up with a smile.

A series of concerned murmurs rolled through the crowd of ponies.

Starlight leaned in close to Sunset. “What is she talking about?” she whispered quietly.

“No idea,” Sunset replied, not nearly as quietly, “but with Twilight qualifying that statement with mostly, even I’m pretty worried here.”

“Oh, Starlight~” Twilight called out playfully. “Can you come over here for a moment please.”

Sunset cringed as Starlight swallowed. The purple unicorn trotted up slowly to Twilight, a worried expression on her face. “Y-yes, Twilight?” Starlight stammered out. “Oh bestest, best friend in the world?”

“Oh, Starlight, relax!” Twilight said with a dismissive wave of a forehoof. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You’re not?” Starlight replied as Sunset let out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding.

“Of course not, silly!” Twilight said with a smile on her face. “I just need your help for a moment…” With that, Twilight leaned in close to Starlight and began whispering in her ear. Starlight’s eyes opened in surprise before her face relaxed and a wicked smile overtook the concern.

“Oh, Oooooh… I’m so game…” Starlight said.

“Game?” Sunset said. “Game for—”

Without warning, Twilight’s horn glazed with black energy that arched out like lightning above her. The bolts ended in a small disk-like hole that began to grow to accompanied by an ill, reverberating sound like fabric being torn inside an amplified echo chamber.

Pinkie Pie gasped. “Star Swirls back-end hole!”

“Ick…” Sunset exclaimed.

Applejack shook her head. “Just be glad you haven’t seen the inside of it.”

“… Fair,” Sunset said, “but why…?”

Starlight’s horn immediately began to glow with her magic and the sounds of reality falling apart were suddenly accompanied by a continuous terrified, confused bleat as Grogar was snatched forcefully from deep inside the dimensional colon. Encased in the glow of Starlight’s magic, he was quickly tossed into the mass of darkness that was the Pony of Shadows to the sound of breaking glass, wood, and gonging bells.

“Gah!” The Pony of Shadows exclaimed. “I taste… goat… and power…” he added with a grim smile as he began to grow and grow. “So much… malevolent energy!” Twisted horns began to sprout from the Pony of Shadows’ head as both fangs and tusks erupted from his jaws. “Why… I’VE BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN I’VE EVER BEEN!” The malevolent mist now reached well up into the ceiling of the massive stone halls, his blackness spilling out and filling the world around him. “I’VE BECOME UNSTOP—”

“Alright, Element Bearers and Pillars!” Twilight called out. “Let him have it!”

“WHAT?! WAIT! NOOOOOOOO!”

Half a dozen brightly colored beams suddenly flew forth from the Elements of Harmony as their bearers stood side-by-side their Pillar counterparts. The Pony of Shadows howled in pain as the beams coalesced behind him, this time ripping open a portal of swirling pastel purple and blue. As the shadows and the creator which they sprung from began to empty into this new portal like water down a drain, a beam of red magic suddenly fired from Sunset Shimmer’s horn... pointlessly destroying a random stone pillar until Spike gently placed a claw on the back of Sunset’s head and redirected her beam to strike the Pony of Shadows. Sunset’s magic was followed by an electric blue beam belonging to Starlight, and finally, a green jet of flame erupted from Spike’s mouth.

Being pulled at by the portal behind him and pushed back by the magic and fire in front of him, the Pony of Shadows let out one last scream just as Grogar burst forth from the darkness. The twisted goat letting out a few more desperate bleats as it attempted to dig its hooves into the ground before it was swallowed by the portal to limbo.

Then there was only time for one small cry of, “Oh no! The snack table!” from Pinkie as everypony’s world exploded with color.

With a gasp and a strained grunt, two purple forelegs appeared over the side of the newly enlarged hole leading to the remains of the Well of Shade. With a resolute expression on her face, Twilight pulled herself up out of the hole as her friends flew up, levitated up, climbed up, or were floated up behind her.

“Hey, Twilight!” Sunset shouted out. “Whatsamatter?! Forget you could fly?!”

“I… hey shut up!” Twilight protested, unable to conceal a small smile on her face. “Why aren’t you flying, then?!”

Starlight gently lowered Sunset to the ground as the orange alicorn smirked at Twilight, “I’m so drunk I wasn’t sure I yelling at you and not Spike… What’s your excuse?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Twilight said, her smile growing. “Okay… bring it here you, two.” Twilight said as she leaned forward and took Sunset and Starlight in a surprise hug.

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she stretched out with all four of her limbs and her wings. “Oh, it felt soooo good to do that again!”

Pinkie Pie beamed widely. “Friendship Power rush! Whoo!” she exclaimed as she leaped several meters into the air, embraced Rainbow Dash a mid-air tackle hug, and sent both ponies falling back down into the Well of Shadows.

“Pinkie Pie what the BUCK!” Rainbow Dash screamed as she quickly rocketed back to the surface, her forelegs grasping tightly to one of Pinkie’s back legs.

“Whoops! My bad!” Pinkie said from her upside-down position.

Rarity took a moment to look down at her chest, noting a familiar gold clasp with a large, purple diamond-shaped gem inside of it. “The Elements! They didn’t disappear!”

Smile on her face, Fluttershy spoke up, “Maybe because we didn’t banish anypony? Erm, except the Pony of Shadows that is, and that awful, awful goat… They totally got banished.”

“Look!” Applejack said as she pointed towards the edge of the crater.

Holding a foreleg down into the pit, Star Swirl lifted Stygian up and onto the flat surface around it.

Breaking the three-pony hug, Sunset sighed. “Okay, did like… every pony with a magical horn but me forget they could either fly, levitate, or even teleport?!” Sunset shook her head. “I had to remind Starlight she could levitate, and I’m pretty sure both you purple ponies here have teleported into the bathroom, at least once, just because you didn’t feel like getting up!”

“Can confirm!” Spike shouted.

Starlight and Twilight both chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of their heads.

Glancing up and away for a moment, Star Swirl took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and turned to face Stygian. “Long ago, you needed our help, Stygian. But instead of listening, we turned our backs on you.” Star Swirl opened his eyes. “Pride clouded my judgement.” He placed a forehoof on Stygian’s shoulder briefly. “I owe you an apology.”

Pinkie Pie gasped as Rainbow Dash let her fall roughly to the ground with an “Ooff!” Where she proceeded to gasp again without bothering to even get up off her back. “OF COURSE!” She pointed at Star Swirl. “It was Grogar! Grogar was the reason Star Swirl was such a big, big meany pants!”

Star Swirl’s head immediately swiveled about so that he could glower in Pinkie’s direction. “INSOLENT PINK ANNOYANCE!” he snapped. “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M TRYING TO MAKE MY APOLOGIES!”

“Or, uh… He’s just a jerk…” Pinkie concluded.

Star Swirl turned to face Twilight. “Speaking of apologies, I owe you one, still… Thank you for helping us see the errors of our way, Strump-er Twilight…”

Twilight just smiled and nodded. “Apology accepted.”

Star Swirl returned the nod then cringed as he turned. “And you, too, erm… Sun-” Star Swirl coughed and sputtered. “-Sun-Sun-Se—” Star Swirl coughed again, this time his cough becoming throaty and harsh. “-Su-Su-Sun Se—” Star Swirl collapsed and doubled over, this time coughing as if he might eject both his lungs.

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “… Would it be better if I just preemptively told you to take your apology and shove it shidewaysh up your dark back-hole?”

Star Swirl took a phlegmy inhale through his nose and got back to his hooves. “Yes… yes it would.”

“Okay then,” Sunset said. Her face tightened slightly. “You can take your friggin’ apology and shove it shidewaysh up your dark back-hole!”

Star Swirl nodded. “Right, of course…”

“And that goes double for that sssshhtupid looking cape of yoursh!”

Star Swirl narrowed his eyes at Sunset.

Sunburst laughed nervously. “Let’s not… let’s not get too personal here…”

“Quite,” Star Swirl said. “Well, Twilight,” he said refocusing his attention to the purple princess present. “It seems I never accounted for the Magic of Friendship.”

Pinkie kissed a forehoof and waved it in the air. “Gooood-night everybody!” she said to nopony in particular.

Spike snickered. “Hey, you keep this up and maybe you’ll be Equestria’s next Prin—”

In a blinding white light, Star Swirl was suddenly gone, replaced by a small, smoldering crater.

“—cess…” Spike concluded, a look of dread suddenly coming over his face.

Her jaw hanging agape, Twilight turned to the obvious culprits. Starlight and Sunset both just shrugged and shook their heads in a ‘Wasn’t me!’ fashion.

“Uh…” Rainbow Dash stared down at the still smoking spot Star Swirl had stood in moments prior. “Did Star Swirl just explode randomly?!”

Sunset couldn’t help but smile to herself. “Uh-oh, SshpaghettiOs!”

“Sunset!” Twilight snapped.

“Whaaaat?!” Sunset replied coyly.

Kill Your Heroes

View Online

Appearing in a strange realm of stars and celestial dust, Star Swirl the Bearded asked himself one important question, “Did I really just now combust?”

Well, one thing was for certain, Star Swirl had to right a wrong before somepony raised the curtain on his situation. With a white glow of Star Swirl’s magnificent horn, a new magnificent bell hat was born!

Or rather, summoned from a pocket dimension, though such things barely warranted a mention.

Taking a moment to readjust, this hero did his best to seem nonplussed. But truth be told, he was at a loss to explain the realm he now behold…

Sigh…

“Harlot was right…” Star Swirl admitted to himself begrudgingly. “I do change tense when I do that…” Star Swirl squinted as he looked out into the infinite distance of the celestial mist. Something was coming… no… two somethings… two large somethings. One of the large somethings was white in color, practically glowing with otherworldly light. The other something was slightly shorter and appeared almost black in this shining realm.

Star Swirl blinked a few times as he tried to make out these blurry shapes as they approached. Normally, he’d perhaps cast a few spells and ask questions later, but today, specifically the last few dozen minutes, had been quite the eye-opener. Perhaps some cautious optimism was in order.

Still, he mentally prepared himself to let loose a spell or two on the fly if necessary.

“Congratulations, Star Swirl,” one of the creatures… the white one called out in an unpleasantly mareis-AHEM- melodic feminine voice. “We knew you could… Uh… We suspected you might…” The white one hesitated once more. “We honestly had no idea you had it in you, but we’re pleased nonetheless.”

Star Swirl squinted harder and craned his neck forward. “Uh, thank you… Massive white giantess? What is it out of my many accomplishments that pleased you?”

There was the briefest of pauses before the darker creature broke into a fit of uproarious laughter, also female. The white creature let out a scoff of great incredulity before adding “Massive?!”

As the two continued towards Star Swirl, he could better make out their features. They were both clearly ponies… More than that, they were alicorns. Rather familiar alicorns.

“Princesses?!” Star Swirl exclaimed in astonishment. “Is it really you?”

Celestia let out a sigh as Luna did her best to contain her laughter. “Yes, Star Swirl,” Celestia said as she tried to hide the irritation from her voice. “It is us.”

Star Swirl shook his head. “I simply cannot believe how enormous you’ve gotten.”

Celestia let out a growl much like a cat would that was having its patience tested as Luna’s fit of hysteria returned.

“Er… That is to say, I cannot believe how tall you’ve gotten!” Star Swirl corrected.

Sighing to herself, Celestia answered, “Well, it has been over a thousand years.”

Star Swirl nodded. “So, what exactly was it that I did that pleased you?”

Celestia mumbled to herself. “Well, it sure as heck wasn’t coming back, that’s for certain…”

“Uh, excuse me?”

Celestia forced a smile. “You did something today that’s… well, that’s honestly second nature to almost all other ponies.”

Star Swirl raised an eyebrow. “And… and this is cause for...” He looked about him and motioned to the great expanse of stars and aurora-like mist. “…this?”

Luna stifled her laughter somewhat and nodded. “Yes… You have proven that you’re ready, Star Swirl.”

“Ready?” Star Swirl asked. “Ready for what?”

Celestia and Luna walked up and then past the wizard, motioning him to follow. As they did, halfs of dozens of scenes appeared: Star Swirl apologizing to Twilight and others, as well as that one time he talked nicely to Stygian, showed up.

Before Star Swirl could properly enquire as to the purpose of these scenes, Celestia began to sing,

“You've come,
“Such a long, long way,
“And I've watched you,
“Pull your head from your flank.
“It took some beatings,
“And a whole lot of screaming.
“As you showed the ways you made me scared of you...”

“It's time now, for a new change to come,
“You're still an asshole,
“But at least you're less of one.”

Star Swirl’s furrowed his brow at Celestia as the images disappeared. Apparently feeling something was lacking, Celestia’s horn glowed a bright yellow before the images simply repeated.

“I'm bored.” Celestia declared. “Luna, Take over.”

“Oh, erm…” Luna thought for a moment then broke into the same ballad tone and rhythm Celestia had struck.

“You've come such a long way round
“And by that I mean you have crawled
“Out of a hole up to the ground
“You could perhaps be called not quite evil
“If only because worse than you regularly visits Ponyville...”

“It’s time now, for a new change to come,
“You’re attitude still seems quite cursed,”
“but at least you’re not the worst.”

Star Swirl’s brow had furrowed in irritation to the point where his eyebrows new resembled a long, black caterpillar, which was also irritated. “You know, just because you two are now bigger than me doesn't mean you’re too large to be taken in my lap and swatted with a bell hat.”

Luna let out a mirthful scoff. “I’d tell you to not tempt my sister, as she has not ‘gotten lucky’ in quite some time; but I’m reasonably certain thine gate swings another way, Star Swirl.”

“Wha-’quite some time’?!” Celestia protested indignantly. “Luna! First off, that’s quite rude, and also presumptuous… and by that I mean wrong.”

Luna was nonplussed, and tilted her head in confusion. “I apologize. I just thought you’d introduce me to the lucky stallion…”

Celestia let out a quick laugh. “Stallion? Singular, Luna?!”

Star Swirl looked back and forth between the two sisters, clearly following little, if any of the exchange.

Luna’s forehead crinkled as she stared off into the infinite expanse. “Wait… are we no longer expected to keep our scandalous behaviour to ourselves?!”

“...I’m sorry… Have you not spoken to Rainbow Dash for nearly any amount of time?”

Luna shook her head. “No, I’m afraid not. Since when has this behaviour been acceptable?”

Celestia raised a forehoof into the air. “For like… two centuries, Luna! Where’ve you been?!”

Luna shot her sister a death glare.

Celestia’s cheeks suddenly turned bright crimson. “Oh...erm… right… I am sorry, sister.”

“Apology accepted… this time,” Luna said sternly.

Grinning sheepishly Celestia added, “Let’s simply agree that, at the very least, neither of our gates open for Star Swirl.”

Luna nodded. “On that we have an accord.”

His forehead practically folding in on itself at this point, words erupted from Star Swirl’s mouth like an angry volcano, “Just what in Equestria do hinged barriers have to do with spankings?!”

Celestia sighed heavily. “Oh no… I’ve already had this uncomfortable conversation once with Luna upon her return!”

“Sister,” Luna began in an unusually high-pitched tone, “may I ask what a gate has to do with ponies?”

Gently lowering the teacup from her mouth with her magic, Celestia smiled at her little sister. ‘Little’ being somewhat literal in this case. Though she had already grown back to the size of a full grown pony, Luna was still much shorter than Celestia recalled before her banishment. Also, her coat was still a pale-blue, perhaps only recently starting to darken to its previous midnight blue coloring. “Luna, ponies have had small gates on their properties for well over 1,000 years!” Celestia answered, a hint of laughter in her voice. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten.”

Luna nodded. “Of course I remember that, sister. However, I am curious why the direction that one’s gate swings is pertinent to conversations.”

The Celestia smile quickly vacated her lips as well as her voice. “... Sister, who was this in reference to?”

“Your dear student Braco Banana Popsicle said that his gate only swings in your direction, sister.”

Star Swirl’s lips pursed in frustration. “Very well, then perhaps you can explain how your luck factors into getting a swat from my bell hat.”

“Aaaand, we’re done!” Celestia announced. “Let’s send him back!”

Star Swirl raised a brow slightly. “Alright, but what was all this abou—”

And then in brilliant flash of light, Star Swirl the Bearded exploded for the second time that day.

“I’m jussh saying, Twilight!” Sunset said. “If either Shtary or I coulda done that to Shit Shwirl, we woulda done it hours ago… Like… after jush meeting him!”

“Okay! I believe you!” Twilight said in an exasperated tone. “Please, stop explaining it to me!”

Sunset frowned slightly. “H’okay… it’sh jush… you don’t shound like you believe me!”

Twilight groaned. “I believe it! I totally believe it.”

Sunset studied Twilight’s face for a second. “… Okay…”

“… Okay?” Twilight replied in a hopeful tone.

Sunset nodded. “Yessh, okay.”

Twilight let out a sigh of relief. “Okay…”

“Right, sho… Maybe I sshould take it from the top?”

“GrrrrrraaAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGG!”

Before Twilight could continue her frustrated scream for a moment longer or Sunset could repeat her reasoning, there was yet another blinding flash of light that elected a number of surprised responses from the ponies and dragon present.

“OW!” Sunset exclaimed. “Someone turn down the sthun!” Realization dawned on Sunset’s face. “Oh, wait… I can just…”

“DON’T YOU DARE!” Twilight exclaimed. “Also, it’s nighttime.”

“Oooooooh, good,” Starlight said dryly. “Star Swirl is back… and… pffft… hehehehe…”

“What?!” Star Swirl looked about him at the ponies staring at him. “Uh, yes… hello… I am back… it seems—”

Star Swirl was cut off as all the ponies, and solitary dragon, present broke into fits of hysterical laughter, many unable to remain on their hooves.

“Erm… hmmm…” Star Swirl regarded the tomfoolery before him with stern disapproval and quickly set about deducing its cause. It was quickly apparent that the laughter was directed in his general direction… Or perhaps he was simply standing in front of a charm that forced those present to erupt into uncontrollable laughter?! Taking a moment to cast his best mental defense spells, which were simply the best, Star Swirl turned.

And let out a massive sigh.

A set of wings were attached to Star Swirl’s back. However, these were not wings of feather, no. Instead he had wings that seemed to be made of a sort of heavy, rigid parchment of which somepony had taken the time to write “An Effort Wuz Made” across the right wing in a glittery ink of some sort. And behind Star Swirl himself were Celestia and Luna, both clearly unable to contain their joy at the scene in front of them.

“I trust you two scamps are responsible for this?” Star Swirl stated as much as he asked.

“PFfft… no… no…” Celestia said, completely unable to conceal a disingenuous smile. “You… you totally-hahaha-you’re totally a Princess now! Totally!”

Star Swirl’s eyes narrowed. “Oh? And what am I the Princess of?”

“Uh-hehehe-erm… Luna?”

Luna grinned widely. “All hail the Princess of Not-Being-a-Total-Shit-Stain!”

Flash Magnus and Rockhoof managed to choke out a couple “All hail!” before the broke back into the gaggle of laughter that had consumed the group.

Doing her best to contain herself, Sunset managed to trot forward. “HeheheHAHAHA… Is… Is THISh why you two didn’t…didn’t help ush with the Pony of-hehehe-Sshadowsh? ‘Caushe like… We might have died… but… totally worth it!”

Responding to her daughter with a somewhat nervous smile. “Erm… Well, it was related… Also, I had complete confidence that you, Twilight, and uh… miscellaneous associates would fix the situation.”

Sunset shot her mom a smug, knowing smile. “You sshpent most the day hiding under your bed, didn’t you?”

“Hah…HAAAAAaaaaaah…” Celestia exclaimed as she broke eye contact with Sunset. “Noooo… of course not… Uh… Luna, tell Sunset how we spent our day, please…”

Luna gave her a sister a lopsided smirk. “Well, we needed to craft new regalia for Equestria’s latest princess!” Celestia said as Luna’s horn flashed a midnight blue as a collection of four regal boots and a fetching neck piece appeared, or at least as regal and fetching as papier-mâché covered in a smattering of blues both light and dark, purples, and pinks could be.

“I am not wearing those!” Star Swirl declared. “It’s simply not dignified!”

“You lost your dignity to Sunset!” Mistmane reasoned. “Put on the damn regalia!”

Sighing as his shoulder shrunk, Star Swirl took his ‘royal outfit’ in a white glow and donned each piece, much to the delight of the ponies around him. “There!” Star Swirl exclaimed. “Is this something a pony of fair manners would endure for the sake of his friends?”

Sunset grinned widely at Star Swirl. “Well, of courshe not, ya big nerd!”

Star Swirl could only stare upwards in irritation as another round of laughter cascaded through the other’s present.

“We must coronate our new princess!” Flash Magnus declared.

“Please, no…” Star Swirl uttered in tone of equal parts annoyance and defeat.

“YESH!” Somnambula agreed. “Coordinate… Cornergate… uh….”

“Coronate,” Stygian informed simply.

“We need to corrugate Star Swirl!” she cried.

“… Close enough,” Stygian replied with a smirk as Mage Meadowbrook chuckled alongside him.

“PARTY AT TWILIGHT'S!” Sunset cried.

There were several jovial cries at this declaration, one sigh laid heavy with the past hour or so, and one exclamation of, “Wait! I didn’t agree to that!”

As the herd of ponies jovially wandered away from the crater created by their own magic and magic rainbow explosions, one orange pony lingered for a moment.

Sitting on her haunches, Applejack watched the group trot on for a moment and then looked at the hole she and her friends had flew, floated, and crawled out of. “What a day…” she said to herself, shaking her head.

“Verily,” a deep voice replied as Rockhoof elected to sit down next to Applejack.

Applejack looked up at the mountain of a pony sitting next to her, then her eyes drifted downward as she visually took in all the pony she was staring at. “… Wanna buck?” she asked nonchalantly.

Rockhoof replied with a hearty laugh and a second “Verily! I thought you’d never ask.”

Applejack stood up and stretched her back, then took a moment to give both her hind legs a good stretch. “Jus’ wanted the world to maybe not be in peril before askin’…”

“Aye,” Rockhoof said as he too got to his hooves and the pair began walking back to the group. “Though I must warn ye… The shovel and I come as a pair…”

Applejack shot Rockhoof a sideways glance. “Well, obviously… But to be clear, that goes the same for my hat.”

“Okay, okay! FINE!” Sunset said irritably, as the Sun wobbled lower and lower behind her. “We can take a hint Twilight! If you don’t want ush here, we you could have said sho!” Sunset shook her head. “No need for this elaborate rosh…. Rooms… r-word, to get us outshide!”

“You wanted to go outside,” Twilight said an annoyed tone as she stared at Sunset with bloodshot eyes heavy with the weight of not getting rest for quite some time. “You said you wanted to see yourself!”

“You don’t KNOW me!” Sunset replied. “Alsho… That doesn’t make any shense!”

Standing next to Sunset, Spike chuckled. “That’s because it took us five minutes of bringing you to mirrors before we finally figured out you meant the ‘Sunset outside!’”

“Oooooohhhh… That make shenshe!” Sunset declared as she made an exaggerated motion to the setting sun then fell to the ground, seemingly causing the sun to wobble more. “Ehhh….heeee… I am drunk…”

Celestia looked down at her quite inebriated adopted daughter in amusement. “Perhaps it’s time I take Sunset back to Canterlot and let her sleep off the last day of revels in her own bed.”

Sunset clambered to her feat. “You don’t KNOW me!” she shouted. “I can make it back to my apartment jusssh fine!

“Erm, darling?” Rarity interjected. “I’m not Celestia…”

Sunset frowned heavily and searched her surroundings for another white blur. Picking out the largest one she sheepishly admitted. “Alright… I can shtay a little longer… ashlong as somepony letsh my friendsh back home know I’m okay…”

“Done and done!” Pinkie Pie said happily. “And I mean done!”

“Splendid,” Celestia said with a big grin on her face.

“Can I please take off this ridiculous outfit?!” Star Swirl asked, his cape, hat, and paper-based attire now much soggier. “It’s soaked in alcohol!” He shuttered slightly. “And probably other fluids.”

Starlight grinned widely at the old wizard. “Well, no one forced you to put on that hat and cape.”

Star Swirl let out a heavy sigh and began removing his soggy wings and regalia as everyone around him once again broke into laughter. He gave Sunset a serious look. “On a more pressing note, I’d like to formally request a reprieve of the Pillars for myself and my compatriots.”

“Shay the new name!” Sunset demanded.

“Madam, I will not-“

“Shaaaaaay it!~” demanded as well as any pony could in a slurred, sing-song tone.

Star Swirl groaned. “The other members of Sunset Shimmer’s Kick-ass Team of Ass Kickers—”

Fluttershy frowned. “Still maybe a little offensive to donkeys…”

“—would like time to visit our homelands.”

A series of nods came forth from Sunset’s new subordinates.

“Yeah, fine,” Sunset said. “You’re all totesh allowed a reprieve, ash much fun ash I’m shure Prinshipal Celestia would love enrolling sheven fully grown adultsh in school.”

The members of Sunset Shimmer’s Kick-ass Team of Ass Kickers let out a series of chuckles.

Sunset gave them all a confused glance. “What’sh so funny?” she asked, punctuating the statement with a small belch that caused the sun to rattle in the sky.

Luna spoke up, “Sister, I agree we should get Sunset lying down as soon as possible. Her affinity for controlling the sun in this state is somewhat worrisome.”

“Oh Luna, she’s doing a fine job!” Celestia insisted.

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Is your only metric for ‘fine job’ simply that she has yet to cause irreversible ecological damage to the planet?”

“HEY! Lay off, Auntie!” Sunset snapped. “Mom ish like… the shun whishperer, or shomething…” Sunset frowned. “That shounded far lessh shtupid in my head jush now…”

“Dude,” Rainbow Dash interjected. “I’m nowhere near the right shade of blue to be Princess Luna and like, half her size!”

“Ya see, Sunset?” Applejack said. “Even Rainbow Dash thinks you’re too drunk!”

“What? Don’t put words into my mouth, AJ!” Rainbow Dash snapped back. “I’m wondering how much I need to drink to be that drunk… Looks fun,” Rainbow Dash added wistfully.

Applejack groaned. “Everypony, I’d like to formally announce Ah’m takin’ a week-long vow of silence jus’ because Ah’m THAT done talkin’ to y’all.”

Sunset snickered. “Oh man, if I had a nickel… Alright, somepony make sure I’m facing most everypony else…”

With a canary yellow glow of her horn, Celestia gently lifted Sunset and repositioned her.

“Goodbye, Shtarry. Goodbye, Shpike. Goodbye, Assh kickersh. Goodbye, Twilight. Goodbye, pony-vershions of my and Twilight’sh friendsh.”

Pinkie thought for a moment. “They/we are kinda more like the human versions of your pony friends, but bye-byeeeEE!”

The other ponies and dragon present likewise said their farewells.

“Oh, and Go fuck yershelf, Shtar Shwirl…”

Star Swirl groans. “Somepony remind me to leave explicit instructions to leave me stuck in limbo the next time I have to seal something away…”

Mage Meadowbrook leaned forward. “Okay, but what if ya need to seal away Sunset and yerself?”

Star Swirl’s brow furrowed immediately. “Life is endlessly vexing…” he mused.

“Okay!” Sunset exclaimed. “Now shomepony point me in whatever direction I’m shoppoused to be going—”

“Sunset, wait a second.”

“Uh, shure—” Sunset squinted at the pony? In front of her “—Twilight.”

Twilight sparkle smiled at Sunset. “I just wanted to give a proper goodbye.”

Grinning, Sunset leaned in and hugged Twilight, a hug that was returned as Sunset whispered a soft. “Nailed it!”

“What was that?” Twilight asked.

“Oh… nothing…” Sunset said innocently. “Oh, Shtarry… Shpike… Get in here!” Sunset said as she opened her wings. Starlight and Spike dashed up and joined in the hug briefly before the four parted.

Still smiling at Sunset, Twilight spoke, “Thanks for helping me, erm… in your rather particular Sunset Shimmer way!”

“Anytime, Twilight! Anytime!”

Twilight nodded. “Yes, that does seem to be about how these things go down,” she murmured.

“Uh… what?” Sunset said.

“Oh… nothing…” Twilight replied innocently.

“Farewell, my little ponies!” Celestia said. She winked. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Luna smirked. “That’s a rather short list, sister.”

Celestia continued, “But DO do several things Luna wouldn’t do.”

“Hey!” Luna protested.

Celestia continued, “There’s a little gray area in there… that’s where you should all be.”

Luna just sighed, smiled, and shook her head. “Fare thee well, ponies.” With that, the two royal sisters gently guided Sunset with their wings until they were trotting in the direction of Canterlot castle.

“I think it is best we take our leave as well,” Star Swirl said. “Thank you ponies. I owe all of you a great deal of gratitude,” he added as many of the ponies, particularly Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie listened with keen interest. Star Swirl turned and picked out one of the ponies in particular. “Especially you, Sunburst.”

There was a series of groans from a few of the ponies. All except Fluttershy who smiled to herself as she collected a hoofful of bits from her friends.

“Oh, why thank you!” Sunburst said happily. “It was an honor to work with you.”

Star Swirl returned Sunburst’s smile. “Indeed. I’m certain that it was.” He turned to his compatriots. “Come, Pil—”

“Not our name anymore!” Somnambula reminded.

Star Swirl groaned. “Come, Sunset Shimmer’s Kick-ass Team of Ass Kickers. Let’s go visit our homes.”

With a few more parting words and gestures, some more affectionate than others, from the ponies present, the ancient heroes of Equestria left to once again wander the land.

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Well, they may be gone, but who says the party can’t go on?”

“Me,” Twilight answered irritably as she dropped the eyelids of her weary eyes.

“Erm… At my place…” Rainbow Dash added hastily.

Applejack opened her mouth as if to speak, then seemingly remembered something, instead electing to shake her head.

“Sounds fun to me!” Pinkie Pie said.

“Uh, Pinkie?” Spike said. “Only pegasi can really hang out at Rainbow’s.”

Applejack pointed in the direction of Spike and nodded.

“Not if you have just the riiiiight number of balloons!” Pinkie replied jovially.

Fluttershy chuckled. “Erm, count me in. I can use a celebration that’s a bit quieter…”

“Quieter! HA!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “We’re going to go even harder on the drinks in terms of both amounts and how hard they are.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Yes, I thought as much. I also wanted to make sure when you’ve had too much to drink you end up in your bed, and not passed out with your body stuck in a cloud wall.”

“Dude it was ONE… erm… two… three… IT WAS ONLY A FEW TIMES!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.

Pinkie began bounding in the direction of Rainbow Dash’s house. “Last one there is a pickled pony!”

“Hah!” Rainbow Dash called out as she and Fluttershy caught up to Pinkie. “Not yet, I bet!”

Rolling her eyes, Applejack turned and began walking towards Sweet Apple Acres.

Spike sighed as the trio of ponies wandered off towards Rainbow Dash’s. “Guess I’ll just call it a night…”

Rarity let out a yawn. “I think I too, will retire for the evening.” She turned and looked at Spike. “Or perhaps I’ll have my own ‘private’ party.”

Spike let out a gasp of delight and then turned to Twilight with a pleading look on his face.

Twilight just sighed. “Spike, I’ve had QUITE the two days and really don’t have the mental energy to unpack the ramifications of letting this continue or even the fact that I let it go on before… but I doubt I can put that genie back in the bottle—”

Spike grinned wryly and held up two claws. “TWO genies”.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “—THAT hemi-genie back in the bottle. Anyhow, you seem to mentally be something of a consenting adult by pony standards, or close enough for horseshoes anyway,”

—Starlight let out a laugh. “I can’t believe you just said that.”—

“So, go… Have fun. Just don’t accidently burn down Rarity’s place.”

Spike saluted. “Caaaaaaan doooo!” he exclaimed with all the excitement he could muster before her scampered off towards Rarity and the pair made their way to her boutique.

Grinning to himself, Sunburst waved after the parting ponies emphatically. “Well, that was quite the adventure.” His grin widened even further. “Can you believe that Star Swirl thanked me personally?”

“Ugh, shut up, Sunburst,” Starlight said with an eyeroll.

Sunburst’s eyes opened wide in surprise as he turned to his childhood friend. “Wha-wha? What’d I do?”

Starlight shook her head and began to trot back towards Twilight’s castle. “Nothing. You did absolutely nothing.”

“I, er, uh, but…”

Sunburst was interrupted from his confusion by Twilight. “Uh, Sunburst?”

“Er, yes? Princess Twilight?”

Twilight leaned in for a hug, not the vice like grips of before, or the empty embrace of having her ego shattered, but a hug full of warmth and affection. “Thanks for being there for me.”

“Uh, of course…” Sunburst said as he returned the hug. “It was nothing… apparently…”

Twilight broke the hug and gave Sunburst a quick kiss on the cheek. “It was enough,” she said sweetly. “See you soon!” she added as she cantered up to join Starlight.

Sunburst’s glasses nearly fell right off his face. “Uh, erm. Yes, Princess!” he shouted after Twilight as he quickly adjusted his glasses. “See you, uh, soon!”

“What was THAT about?” Starlight asked grumpily as Twilight caught up with her.

“Just saying goodbye,” Twilight said with a smirk.

Starlight sighed heavily. “You know you two only checked out the antique stores of Ponyville… Who knows long many days or WEEKS it’d take you to go through Canterlot or the Crystal Empire.”

Twilight stopped dead in her tracks for a moment as her chest began to heave up and down with heavy breathing and foam appeared at her mouth.

“Oh, horse apples…” Starlight quickly pivoted and looked her friend in the eyes. “Twilight?! Are you alright?!”

“F-fine!” Twilight stuttered out as she regained a modicum of control over her respiratory system. “J-just… had a moment of pure mental bliss!”

Starlight couldn’t help but laugh to herself. “Right, right…”

The two continued walking towards Twilight’s castle, both of them with contemplative looks on their face as marched on.

“It’s funny,” Twilight said, breaking the silence between the two. “I thought meeting my idol would give me all the answers I ever wanted… but it turns out he was a bit of a prick.”

Starlight laughed. “‘A bit?!’”

Twilight grinned wryly. “Alright, he was ‘a lot’ of a prick, happy?”

“More so, sure…” Starlight gave Twilight a hopeful look. “Are you sure that’s everything you learned?”

Twilight thought for a moment. “Erm… Also, I guess the real answer was inside me the whole time?”

Starlight puffed out her lips slightly in a small pout. “And… that’s it?”

Twilight thought for a moment then nodded. “Yes. Most definitely, yes…”

“Oh…” Starlight said in a dejected tone.

The two mares continued to walk in silence for a bit.

“Oh, and Starlight?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

Twilight paused long enough to give Starlight a side hug with a foreleg and wing. “Thanks for helping remind me of that… and for not using magic to make your problems go away today…”

Starlight let out a short, mirthful laugh and returned the hug. “You’re welcome… One day at a time, right?”

Twilight just smiled back and nodded. “One day at a time.”

Again, the two mares continued on their way as the sun lowered in the sky, then rose up slightly, then went back down, then drifted to the right slightly, then shook slightly to the sound of a mare sneezing.

“Tia!” Luna called out in a chastising tone. “Again, perhaps now is not the best time to give you're drunk daughter the ‘reins to the chariot’, as it were.

“Oh, Luna, don’t be silly! She’s doing fine!”

“She’s BAKING the Bug Bear Wastes!”

“So? That’s a desert!” Celestia countered. “No big loss!”

“Yes, Tia. It’s TECHNICALLY a desert. It’s ALSO a tundra!”

“Oh, don’t be shucha bag-of-dicksh, Auntie! I got thish~”

Celestia gasped. “Sunset! I know your drunk but that’s no—”

Luna interrupted, “Oh, so that is how it is going to be, you little cunt rag?”

Celestia gasped louder this time. “Luna!”

Sunset erupted in mirth and merriment. “That’s right, you douchemonger! Bring it!”

“Intoxicated courtesan!”

“Anal Crust!”

“Uh… Sunset!” Celestia exclaimed in tone making it clear she wasn’t sure who, if anypony, to hold back at this point.

“Meat Wallet!”

“SISTER!” Celestia said in a tone equally chastising and jovial.

“Shit, good one… uh… vaginal discharge!”

“Cock-juggling thundercunt.”

“Oh mom, damnit!” Sunset exclaimed as Celestia exploded into uproarious laughter. “Where are you getting all these?! So jelly…armpit pube”

One could hear the smirk in Luna’s voice, “Perhaps I can give you some pointers, ballsack pupe”.

“DAMNIT! Uh… uh… I love you, auntie cuntmuscle.”

“And I you, niece cockpuppet!”

Sunset just sighed as the sun finally fell below the horizon. “I shurrender...”

The End.

The Beard with a Jerk-Ass Hanging off of It

by Justice3442

Best at Beards, Bells, and Being a Bastard

Let the Beard hit the Floor! Let the Bells hit the Floor! Let the Bastard hit the Floor! AaaaaAAAAAAAAAhhhhHHHHHHhhHHHHH!

Getting Your House in Order OR Order in the House!

At Least All the Terrifying Sights Distract Everypony from the Smells!

Limbo! It's More Than Just a Game! Ask Your Local Reaper Representative for Details!

Fire in the Sky

Point Break

Kill Your Heroes