Just your average flying pony with a little more to carry than his own wings can handle
Excessive Angles is temporarily offline so I can start a big rewrite and addition. This is the next one I'm going to finish, then on to... possible sequels. Thanks, and if you want to pre-read, drop me a note!
A lone pony faces the harsh reality of life in the wilds- alone and at night, she's pursued by savage beasts. When she falters, there will be no salvation.
Except for a flicker of dark on the face of the moon, and the unexpected chance that brings light in the darkness.
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It's not that bad. The back-and-forth makes Agate's story a bit confusing, but it doesn't look like you'll be doing that for long.
My question is how big of a plane are we talking about? To me, it sounds like a private sized plane, double prop of course kinda like a Charter a King Air 350. I would like to know how exactly the ponies in the plane are going to help Agate. Landing on snow and ice is risky business on an established runway, but this is in the middle of a field, full of timberwolves, in the dark
... You sir, are one gutsy pilot if you would WANT to do something like this. I feel that I must also commend you for your bravery, imagined, fictional, or real. I bet very few people would be willing to take a risk like that.
Those are the two main points of concern so far. I mean, I could get over both of those points if the craft were some kind of helicopter... your call. Things are going well so far, but because this is for sh
squee ts and giggles and you want to get rid of it I won't point out the spelling/grammar mistakes. Unless, of course... you want me to 
. I'm not sure where things are going, but they could go somewhere if you want them to.
Besides the whole "Stop me, this is really dumb and stupid" thing I have just one question for you: did you have fun writing this? If you answered yes, then keep going. If not, abandon the thread/ship/plane and burn it with fire as soon as possible. Yep, your call.
Hope I got a laugh or two from ya,
and thanks for helping me out with Raindrops. By the way, there is a hidden joke in there. It's when she talks about the drop zone... as in RainDROPS 
. I know, bad joke right? Still, I like it. Yay happy accidents.
2448994
I haven't elaborated elsewhere, but the de Hoofiland Twin Trotter is loosely based on the de Havilland Twin Otter, so capable of carrying about a dozen people, would be more like 15 to 20 ponies. Fixed-gear, and in the case of Frostmane Flying Service (I keep publishing things in the wrong order, no wonder none of this makes sense), fitted with skis during the winter. That's the case with this craft.
That's the trick, isn't it? It's hard to do anything with a craft like this, but that's what makes the solution... at least interesting enough to write about. How do you take something moving at 150mph and help someone who's surrounded? That's the challenge, that's what keeps it from being a 1000-word blurb. You gotta put obstacles in the way.
(And to be very clear... I haven't done anything like this in an airplane. Er, mostly. Not with other people involved, not in any sort of SAR situation or anything.)
I do! Please, point them out. Just because I don't have a literary boner over this doesn't mean I don't care about doing it well! That's the only way to improve stuff. I may go through and re-edit this for other things as well, so whatever you see, let me know!
I did have fun writing- I like finding out how the characters interact as I go along. I had the basic events scripted out, and what is actually said and done between characters just happens as i write.
When I say it's dumb and such, it's because looking forward in it... all I see is the sort of writing that gets slagged as "self-insert" type stuff, where people write a heroic character for themselves. I don't want to write that- I want to write INTERESTING stuff, and I'm afraid it won't be. We'll see. I'll get started on it, and find out.
2448994
Gutsy, foolhardy, or burned out by instruction and trying to find ways to let off steam while rewarding students fo...
Um, let's stick with gutsy, foolhardy, or possessed of a supreme sense of invincibility. Yeah, totally.
Um...no, now that I've read it your required to continue to an acceptable conclusion.
2450054
Rewarding students for what I wonder? You should finish that thought, I don't know you well enough to guess where that was going. I understand the burned out part, but at least you have a job that pays the bills, right?
But enough of that. Sure, I'll give it a look over but things are getting really busy for me so don't expect something right away. If I haven't gotten back to you in five days feel free to bug me about it
.
2454565
Why, being good students, of course.
No I shouldn't.
There's a saying, the Flight Instructor's Creed:
Admit Nothing,
Deny Everything,
Demand Proof.
Accordingly, I mistyped up there, nothing happened, and if I'm wrong, show me.
Oh, all that was years ago. Might even be past the satute of lim...
No rush on the reading- I just meant that if you see something, don't feel shy about bringing it up -- I welcome the critique!
2450100
Yeah yeah, I was going to try to do that anyway.
Ok, work was canceled today, so guess what I'm going to do? These are only suggestions mind. Ready? Then here we go.
In the broad meadow there would be no escape. (comma not needed)
She was tired, so tired, and what little magic she had left would do her no good now. OR,
She was tired, so tired. What little magic she had left would be useless to her now. OR some combination of both variations maybe?
The moon lit snow dazzled her and when she heard the scrape of bark on bark from the trees she stopped running.
Her sides were heaving but when a howl rang out primal fear spurred her into a desperate race across the wide whiteness. OR vast felid/meadow. Double w's didn't really roll of the tongue. (Both comma's removed)
She looked up at the empty face of the moon and whimpered to herself, "Luna, help me..."
For a half-second she thought she saw a black mote flash across it's face. (removed comma) (The mote being the plane, right? Or maybe Luna? Naw, the plane for sure. Also, good thing Equestrian moons are always full other wise Agate might have missed it.)
More later today.
2456049
*nods* I see what you're getting at with some streamlining of the sentences, but since this is a semi-expositional paragraph, I don't want to go with the short, punchy sentences of the action scenes. At the same time, i don't want to have huge clauses that make it hard to digest what's going on. See what you think of the first sentences now- your question made me re-think the wording.
In the second paragraph, I want to keep the first sentence as-is, because there's a connection between the clauses: She stops when she's sort of surprised by the brightness in the meadow, and pauses, then realizes she's stopped.
Thanks for looking and thinking about this critically, I appreciate the input!
2456987
) and found herself facing a broad expanse of snow. The trees had slowed her pursuers, butt 
in the open meadow there would be no escape.
Agate knew it was over when she burst out of the tree line (two words
Couldn't resist mate. It's better, it read fine the first time though. Someone suggested to me to try and shorten things up so I practiced a little bit here. I struggle with the concept of showing vs. telling. I know we are supposed to show, but how that works in an exposition (even in general) I have no idea. I mostly think of what I want to say and imagine how it's going to go. Then I go into a trance like state and write what feels right. Lather, rinse, and repeat. Double check to see if it reads like other fics I liked and hope that it all works out.
Small confession, I really have no creative writing experience which is why you should take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Your welcome. Although I won't have enough time to do that for the rest of the story, I'll give it a read and see if anything stands out as clunky or confusing
.
2457542
Alright, yuh got me. Thanks for the catch, it's fixed!
Not a bad idea, trying to re-write to practice. Your process for writing sounds a lot like mine, and just DOING it is the way to improve.
On another note, second chapter is up, and time for a quote.
Let's light this candle.
>>I think you can remove the second scene marker. I think the story flows naturally enough without it.
As she watched, the Trotter passed over the edge of a meadow. Faint shadows from the moon showed where some creature had left the forest and crossed the smooth expanse of snow. Make that a herd of them. What she saw next made her sit up and rub a hoof across her watery eyes. Black dots were near the center of the meadow. Sitting up, she leaned forward and shielded the window with a hoof, trying to block out any light from the interior.
>>I think that could be one paragraph. As it sits, it throws off the rhythm of my eyes, if that makes sense.
Below, she could see the lead animal come to a sudden stop, and the way the dot broadened made it appear that the creature had lain down in the snow. One of the following dots kept dashing along and crossed over the stationary animal, then veered off to the side. Meanwhile, the cluster of following dots moved to encircle the first two. Espresso furrowed her brow, not understanding what she was seeing. No herd animals act like that. They’re more like... a pack.
At that point, she saw a feeble fountain of sparks come from the fallen animal. She gasped and began fumbling for the plugs for her ‘phones, then gave up and bolted for the cockpit.
>>Same here. For the sake of pacing I would recommend two paragraphs here.
>>Paffed, WC. Sparked? Fizzled? Something else?
>>The cuts were deep, and her leg was covered in blood. The snow around her hooves were already dark. (past present disagreement) (to me it sounds… off the way it appears here. Consider a sentence structure change to remove that problem.)
His imagination kicked in, providing him with a vision of Ledger reciting the procedures for the maneuver in a monotone. That’s it, Spin Drift thought, he’s officially the most boring pony in the world. He kills fun before you even try to have it!
>>No complaint, but it was funnier the second time. So this is how you reward you students, eh?
>>Why does Spin Drift remind me a bit of Baloo from Tail Spin? I bet he’s great with paper work too?
Well that’s all I got for large problems. The rest are stylistic choices: sentence structure, punctuation and the like. All of which was fine for me, but you could change some things around if you wanted to. Like I said, subjective stylistic silliness.
Spelling, from top to bottom: tree line, flow card’s x3, fore hoof (I like it as one word), timber wolf (same), paffed (WC, to me it sound like an old man fart. I want something a bit… juicer considering it’s a life and death thing), repetitious, and of course somepony. (seen it used as one or two words. I prefer to make it one if they are saying it quickly, two if they are saying it slowly. You know, whatever feels right.)
Well that’s all I got for everything. Hopefully the comments were funny and the critique useful. Keep going with this, you know you want to…
The pack sensed that her resistance (to the mind probe is considerable, it will be some time before we extract any useful information from her.
, Right... sorry) had FADED and with a few yelps began stalking inward. (maybe the last part is a bit wonky or rushed? I don't know, you tell me.)
Salivating, not slavering.
... but even those died before they hit the snow
******************************************* (break)
As they neared the trees Spin...
Nice, a few comments though. It would be nice to use Ledger as a way of explaining the technical stuff. I was lost about the torque and I'm sure other people who are not as familiar with planes as you are will be to. Nice solution, trying to blind the timberwolfs with the landing lights. Imagine how they must feel with all that white snow everywhere. Very good on the story so far, a lot less mistakes on the second chapter. One thing that felt weird though was the scene at the beginning. Did you overlap from the last chapter, or did you change it since I last read it?
Other than that I have one small request... if you wouldn't mind putting me down as a pre-reader/editor in the opening description?
AWW! COME ON!!! Quit F'n with me! I NEEEEED to know what happens!
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I've been playing with that, and I'll probably keep them in. this isn't a high-level fic, and I like making the rapid scene switches more clear.
I like having it separate because I wanted some emphasis on the sentence where she realizes something's going on.
In this case, I was missing a return, it's fixed. *sighs* As well as nuking my nascent reply...
Hah, that was just shorthand from writing, I forgot to replace that. It's an X-Men reference, actually, Jubilee. It felt appropriate, because Jubilee could only produce firework-like effects that were only good for dazzling enemies, and she called them 'pafs.'
>>The cuts were deep, and her leg was covered in blood. The snow around her hooves were already dark. (past present disagreement) (to me it sounds… off the way it appears here. Consider a sentence structure change to remove that problem.)
Nope, "snow was" is correct- snow, the subject, is not plural.
>>Why does Spin Drift remind me a bit of Baloo from Tail Spin? I bet he’s great with paper work too?
There's a reason Espresso is along for the acceptance flight.
I'm going to respectfully hold the line on these spellings.
Treeline, timberwolf, and forehoof are accepted spellings. I use 'flowcard' as a conscious style choice to differentiate from the usual 'checklist' (same as I use the the older 'let-down' instead of 'approach.' 'Somepony' and 'some pony' do mean different things, and doesn't just depend on the rate of speech.
I never saw X-Men so the reference went over the top of my head.
Our styles of writing are different enough that some of my suggestions can cause stylistic issues. I can respect that.
Yeah, when I decide to do something it's always to the highest intensity and thoroughness and to the best of my ability. I apologize if my editing is wrong, fair enough. I also apologize if I come across as intense. I know you are just writing this for fun, no?
Forgiveness
?
2461073
Dude, slow you roll! I'm not annoyed or anything.
I can see you're having some fun playing with wording and making suggestions. In this case, I was explaining what my reasoning was as a counterpoint. If you want to learn about writing, arguing about technique is not a bad way.
Don't worry. Have fun, say what you want, because yes, I'm (trying) to write this for fun, and I'm not going to be an ass and insist everyone be superserious.
Aw, shyucks, dobbin, now ya gone and dun it, ya made me feel OLD. 'Pafs' ain't a reference to the movies; that comes from the X-Men comics of the early Ninetys, back when Wolvie was going snickety-snack on Project Shiva.
THANKS, TWI-GUY.
2461385
*sighs* As well as nuking my nascent reply...
I saw that and I couldn't help feeling that I was annoying you with critiques. The feeling was multiplied (by a factor of.2
) because you didn't specifically ask for critiques on the second chapter. No hard feelings then 
.
Look at it this way, it's not so much that you are old(er) is as much as I am young. Hopefully that helps? Early 90's... I think I was playing with Legos or Lincoln logs. Or those really awesome but not at all safe 98% metal Tonka dump trucks. I never really got into comics all that much.
2458205
Hey... nickles is money too, guys.
Er, I mean, Hey, nick- uh, I've been busy! I'll try to get more out tomorrow, if I can pound it out.
I need to stop creating NEW stuff and finish what I have. This story, though, has a short, defined arc, and maybe fighting through to the end of it will help me practice completing stuff, working out the endings..
2461581
Crud, no... how did that bit slip in there? That's left over from, an earlier version. I managed to wipe out a large chunk of a reply I had written by refreshing at the wrong time- I nuked my own reply, that wasn't anything to do with you at all!
I'm sorry I didn't clear that up eariler.
2449192>
I had it pegged as a HU-16 Albatross. I think It's because you are pulling from the same anachronistic feel that 'TaleSpin' used. (not a bad thing)
Interesting. I love old aircraft. I've dreamed of getting my pilot's license since i was 8. Now at 31 I'm finally doing it. 1940's aircraft have a magic that can only be experienced, and I feel like you are trying to pull some of the mystique into your writing. To that I say, you have a high bar, but go for it.
As for your story. I can see potential, there is intelligence behind it, I can tell that. Though, your narrative has a strange cadence. Try reading your work out loud. If it's hard to say, it's hard to read. Here are a few retreads on what you have.
Agate's gut sank when she burst out of the forest and into the snowy field.
The moon lit snow overwhelmed her scenes, it was only when she heard the growling and scrape of bark on bark in the trees that she realized she’d stopped running.
But, that's just How I'd go about it.
I think the biggest thing I'm FEELING from your story is that the POV is too distant. It's almost cold and detached. Get me in close, right over their shoulder. Make me care.
I'll give you, the best review I ever got:
Potential? Check.
Speed? Fail. Slow down, partner. Open the moments. Get me situated into the story before you whisk it away.
2479443
Thanks for weighing in!
Yeah, I'm definitely trying to put in a certain amount of antiquity in the technology, though I've made some compromises. I didn't want to go full-bore piston-romantic, because that's almost cliche, and frankly it's too complex and I'd be tempted to discuss the ins and outs of engine management. Don't get me wrong- I LOVE piston engines, and miss them greatly, but for a story like this it'd be too much.
I'm curious- what do you mean by 'inelegance?' I know the scene changes are choppy, but I'm trying to keep events running concurrently, rather than long blocks that reveal what happens before I get back to the other setting. That'll resolve soon, anyway.
I appreciate what you're saying about the distance in the POV, but since this isn't supposed to be more than a short story, I hadn't planned on investing a lot of time in building characters. I'm also working on cutting back on verbiage- my early writing efforts were awfully florid and loquacious, and it's a self-indulgent habit I'm desperately trying to rid myself of.
Pacing... I want this to go fast, because it's not about emotion or relationships... it's about the action. I've gotten so bogged down in close-up, what's-he-thinking stuff in my other writing that I wanted to consciously avoid it here, lest it turn into a trap.
As much as it is about telling a story, this has been a writing exercise- telling more with less, without being TOO short. That, and something about how this came together in my mind wanted a bit of austerity in the telling, at least so far. I think that's partly because I'm still reticent about writing it- it's teetering on the edge of Gary Stu-ness, rah-rah hero action (yet to come) that usually makes me roll my eyes when I read it.
So why did I write it? Well, because I'm a maudlin sap, and when a story like this hits the right notes, it really tugs at my heartstrings. I don't think this one will, though, but I'm going to try to finish it out and learn the lessons.
These characters ('cept for one!) are sort of spur-of-the-moment creations, with minimal backstory. Why is Agate Glimmer in the woods? I dunno; that hasn't come up yet. What did Spin Drift do to get a reputation? Apparently, he doesn't like doing things by the book. If the window were bigger, or the book smaller, I'm guessing the book would have followed the flowcards!
I've got another story in the works that probably answers your critiques in terms of depth of character, complexity of writing, and point of view. Problem is, I've hit a block with it, and that's partly what spurred writing this story: I was tired of staring at the same block of text, tweaking the same scenes, yet dreading the possibility that I might need to wipe out four or five thousand words and start that chapter over.
~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
You know, I do see what you're saying, but at this very moment, I don't know if I can afford to expand on this. It's tempting, so tempting to dig in and expand this... but I have to prioritize, and I have to finish what I've started. I used to think that ideation was my problem; now it's finishing what I started.
Thanks again, I appreciate your candor!
2480027
It means I can't type. Because I meant to say intelligence.
I think if your can get your writing a bit more concise and bring the POV in a bit tighter you could be a good writer. You have a good imagination and that goes a long way. Even in a short story you want to be intimate with the viewpoint.
I'm with you on getting a story in your head and having to write it down, most of my stories are like that.
And remember:
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots.
But, there are no, old bold pilots.
2480826
Brevity is my Achilles heel. And maaaan, it feels like I have a homework assignment now! Actually, it's that I WANT to make the improvements, but I don't have the time at the moment -- I have to keep moving on another project before I stall out again.
Again, thanks so much for taking the time to read and offer some critique. And I feel embarrassed that I haven't given you any feedback on the concept you sent me the links to- I've moved it up on my list and I'll try to get back to you later today with more than a "I like it!" type of comment. Because I do!
That truism is a classic, but my favorite is this:
If you must fly low, fly fast.
That way, if something goes wrong,
You don't have time to worry.
How right that is...
2480921
Makes two of us.
I'm liking what you're doing here Prop... I'll stay out of the critical role for the sake of my own schedule and stylisitc clashing, but I'm liking it.
The awesome part about Equestria is that anypony is fit to do a random good deed at any moment; this is sure to be an adventure, albeit a quick one. I look forward to reading more!
2518997
Not a problem! Thanks for stopping by and taking a look and for the encouraging words.
I'm getting nearly full-on convolved in this, so it's a-changin'. I'll be altering both existing chapters and there's at least one or two more to finish this out, but the maniacal laughter in my head tells me I need to keep goin'.
2519669 Your re-writing this? I've been dying to find out what happens and it's going to take even longer? THIS_IS_THE_WORSE_THING_EVER!!!
2520177
Oh, hush, you! I need to fix some stuff so the next part will make sense, and I ga-ron-tee, you'll like the changes!
2520177
Maybe not the worst thing ever, but pretty damn close.
2520205
t.
Glad to see it's published. If it's alright with you, I would rather take a back seat with this one and enjoy the story more for content than super bucking annoying grammar Nazi s
2520393
Nah, don't worry about jumping in or not- if you're enjoying it, that's good enough!
And you weren't annoying, now. Playing with words is like playing with your food- it's how you learn about the structure and make up!
How else will you know what the tensile strength of those greenbeans, or the shear resistance of those mashed potatoes?
stares at the potatoes
This... this means something. This is important.
2520177
2461385
I actually started poking at a doc of this today.
Then I realized it wasn't my working copy, and I'd just edited the preliminary writeup of the preliminary copy of my working doc.
But that's only because I wanted to take a break from editing The Last Link. It's close, real close.
4207841 That can happen when your away too long. Glad your getting back to it!
Still waiting...