A soul is a powerful and fragile part of you, a part that goes unnoticed and unappreciated by most. It’s a crucial part of every living being, but a lot can happen when you got two.
Ah, so it's waaaay before the Mane 6 time period. Quick question. If you do intend toi stretch this out for him to meet the Mane 6, will he be bigger and taller, or still teenage sized Jake? 'Cause dragons live way longer than ponies, and if they do, I'd think they would go through life stages slower.
2717941 he will meet the Mane six eventually... but that is not a tale for this story:p as for the rest, he will keep his teenage size. Anything else... spoilers
2718174 i dont know:p i just wanted to say it And yes there will be a sequel. its already planned... it was acually planned before i planned this story... this story was acually never supposed to be a story, it was just supposed to be a short prologue for the story that is now going to be the sequel And thank you for the watch
2718165 glad to hear it:p got any suggestions for a name? my mind is currently drawing a blank
Reviewer:Lophane The following review is as objective as possible but could eventually contain some subjective influences. I'm British by birth, Kiwi by blood, and American by home, take from that what you will.
Once you’ve posted your story in the group A For Effort you’ve accepted to be reviewed. No review is made to humiliate the writer but to make him grow up and enhance his skills.
Name of story : A Soul to Spare
Your grammar and spelling are both great, I found no spelling errors, and the grammar flowed from one sentence to the next very well. It's not the most original idea, human being brought to Equestria via another being, but aside from that, it's original in its technicalities. The OC is great, I like him, till the moments where he starts thinking about how 'he needs to get back to her' and 'good thing I've killed before'. They may add great parts to the story later, but at those moments, he teeters on the edge of the Mary Stue abyss. But aside from those moments, he's good. One personal complaint (not factored into the judgement) is the large periods of time that go missing, all it would take is maybe three paragraphs telling about the gist of what happened, or better yet, make it time we get to know him better, and build up suspense for things to come.
Verdict:
Approved
Your story has been Approved, it shall be removed from the 'under review' folder and put in the 'main' folder shortly.
2756847 he has a longer lifespan because of the Dragon soul but hes not immortal. And for the dragonborn thing. Not really, I mean he has a lot of a dragons abilities (A lot he has not discovered yet) and there will not be a lot of dragon slaying:p (maybe one or two, who knows)
2774372 Thanks for pointing them out^^ I knew that the first couple of chapters were bad compared to the rest but i diddent realize that they were that riddled with mistakes. I am currently doing a rewrite on them, its going slow but its comming along.
Hey there! I’m your W.R.I.T.E. reviewer for today.
The way I do things, there’s gonna be three different sections. The first section is where I talk about the story in terms of literary quality, i.e. plot, setting, characters, etc. It’s gonna be focused entirely on the merits of the story itself, not in how you’ve expressed it technically. I’ll go over both pros and cons; what I think you’ve done well and what I think you did not so well. Section 2, which is the opposite, really, ’s gonna be about the technical aspects of the story. How you’ve used grammar, spelling and the like, and to what effect. The third and final section will be a bit of a conclusion, my thoughts on the story as a whole.
Well then! Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s jump right into it!
As I’ve said, first comes the story. Starting off, here’s what I liked, the pros: I’ve gotta say, you’ve got a pretty decent take on the whole HiE thing right now. You’ve not only got a pretty unique idea for how he gets there, but the whole ‘how he changes into a different species’ was pretty different, too. The entire mad scientist thing works well, I find. It’s really not your typical entry point into Equestria, and I find that it helps when establishing the character’s world view and perspective on things around him. In the beginning, you do a good job with creating subtle suspense by referring to his sister and family offhand, and I particularly like the buildup, however short, to the first person perspective. The third person section of the princess exploring the lab was quite good. Carrying onto the characters, the established ones are mostly pretty in character. I’m fond of how you handle Celestia, just the right amounts of mature ruler and kindly almost-mother figure balance out to create a legitimately likeable character. For Jake, I’m impressed. You’ve managed to create a great ‘pants’ character, one generic enough for anyone to just slip into the role. There’s not much that sets him apart from the wallpaper, tbh, and for this sort of character, that’s great. In addition, the eponymous Captain Asshat’s quite entertaining as well, and the chemistry between the two is quite enjoyable. Now, for the negatives, story wise.
First, that whole diamond dog bits seemed entirely pointless. Like, completely. It was just torture porn. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, . It honestly didn’t fit with the rest of the story at all, and it really did seem like you just did it so you could seem dark and edgy. It doesn’t add anything, and it only really takes away. I won’t say that the diamond dogs are out of character, because they really aren’t shown as having all that much character in the first place, but they really do seem quite bland.
Onto the technical aspects!
Alright, here is somewhere that I can see you’re having some real trouble. I’m sorry, but you desperately need to become acquainted with a manual of style. You need a good bit of work in formatting, sentence structure, grammar... For the first half of the first chapter, you don’t even use punctuation to end sentences when folks are talking. Your sentence structure is really quite poor, and the sentences themselves are muddled and physically difficult to read and comprehend. Your words are out of order, you use the wrong words, wrong forms of words, improper punctuation... There’s honestly a LOT here that you’re making mistakes on. You’re putting various parts of speech in sections of sentences they really have no business being in, and it’s coming out rather jumbled in a lot of places. One of your biggest issues, however, is that you’re wording things quite awkwardly. Your phrasing ends up seeming awkward and stilted. As it goes on, though, you do start to improve, moreso in the later chapters. I heartily suggest that you get yourself a prereader, an editor or both.
On the plus side, though, your spelling’s pretty good. Very few mistakes there at all.
In conclusion, you’ve got a pretty solid story here. You've got good characters, a pretty good plot, and you’re doing a great job of keeping to an original plot. It’s held back, however, by some grammar and formatting issues. From seeing what you’ve got, however, I really do think you’ll be able to fix it all up. You’ve a good thing going, let’s see if you can make it great!
2813355 Thanks for the review^^ This helps me a lot, as i did not quite know what i needed to work on.
The part about the diamond dogs, when i go back and look at it myself, I have to agree with that it does look kinda out of place. It is however a setup for something later on. I needed to give Jake a reason to absolutely despice Diamond Dogs and that was the best thing I could come up with at the time.
Ah, so it's waaaay before the Mane 6 time period. Quick question. If you do intend toi stretch this out for him to meet the Mane 6, will he be bigger and taller, or still teenage sized Jake? 'Cause dragons live way longer than ponies, and if they do, I'd think they would go through life stages slower.
2717941
he will meet the Mane six eventually... but that is not a tale for this story:p
as for the rest, he will keep his teenage size. Anything else... spoilers
I like his selfeating Gleve^^
*YAY* The Sphinx is one of my Favorite Mythology creature's. with her Questions
2717965Spoilers for what? You already answered my question(s). And you're saying there's going to be a sequel.
2718174
i dont know:p i just wanted to say it And yes there will be a sequel. its already planned... it was acually planned before i planned this story... this story was acually never supposed to be a story, it was just supposed to be a short prologue for the story that is now going to be the sequel And thank you for the watch
2718165
glad to hear it:p got any suggestions for a name? my mind is currently drawing a blank
2718196No problem. If any other story you write is anything like this one, then it's well worth it.
2718196
why not... Cleomaretra? And for short just Cleo^^ (I'm not beter with names)
Definately looks nice man
REVIEW
Reviewer: Lophane
The following review is as objective as possible but could eventually contain some subjective influences. I'm British by birth, Kiwi by blood, and American by home, take from that what you will.
Once you’ve posted your story in the group A For Effort you’ve accepted to be reviewed. No review is made to humiliate the writer but to make him grow up and enhance his skills.
Name of story : A Soul to Spare
Your grammar and spelling are both great, I found no spelling errors, and the grammar flowed from one sentence to the next very well.
It's not the most original idea, human being brought to Equestria via another being, but aside from that, it's original in its technicalities.
The OC is great, I like him, till the moments where he starts thinking about how 'he needs to get back to her' and 'good thing I've killed before'. They may add great parts to the story later, but at those moments, he teeters on the edge of the Mary Stue abyss. But aside from those moments, he's good.
One personal complaint (not factored into the judgement) is the large periods of time that go missing, all it would take is maybe three paragraphs telling about the gist of what happened, or better yet, make it time we get to know him better, and build up suspense for things to come.
Verdict:
Approved
Your story has been Approved, it shall be removed from the 'under review' folder and put in the 'main' folder shortly.
Thank you for applying your story for review.
- Lophane
2720934
thanks for your honest oppinion. especially the last part (your personal complaint) i have been meaning to rewrite the first few chapters.
Thinking ... Will he be immortal because of the dragon soul? And on a completely unrelated note could he be considered dragonborn?
2756847
he has a longer lifespan because of the Dragon soul but hes not immortal. And for the dragonborn thing. Not really, I mean he has a lot of a dragons abilities (A lot he has not discovered yet) and there will not be a lot of dragon slaying:p (maybe one or two, who knows)
2774372
Thanks for pointing them out^^ I knew that the first couple of chapters were bad compared to the rest but i diddent realize that they were that riddled with mistakes. I am currently doing a rewrite on them, its going slow but its comming along.
2774560
got the inspiration for him from Captain Jack Harkness, if you ever watched Doctor who or Torchwood
2774595
I'm not much of a Whovian but even I think Captain Jack is SO FUCKING AWESOME
2774418
Please, please do a thorough job of it because right now the lack of proofreading is by far the largest flaw with this story.
2788428
Thanks for pointing it out, I'll try to get on it.
I hope you enjoyed reading it nonetheless
well hell.but now that i take a minute to think about it your idea makes more sense
Expectations for when he learns how to shapeshift into larger beings
cdn.obsidianportal.com/assets/124196/AncienDragon.jpg
Rawr motherfucker
Hey there! I’m your W.R.I.T.E. reviewer for today.
The way I do things, there’s gonna be three different sections. The first section is where I talk about the story in terms of literary quality, i.e. plot, setting, characters, etc. It’s gonna be focused entirely on the merits of the story itself, not in how you’ve expressed it technically. I’ll go over both pros and cons; what I think you’ve done well and what I think you did not so well.
Section 2, which is the opposite, really, ’s gonna be about the technical aspects of the story. How you’ve used grammar, spelling and the like, and to what effect.
The third and final section will be a bit of a conclusion, my thoughts on the story as a whole.
Well then! Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s jump right into it!
As I’ve said, first comes the story. Starting off, here’s what I liked, the pros: I’ve gotta say, you’ve got a pretty decent take on the whole HiE thing right now. You’ve not only got a pretty unique idea for how he gets there, but the whole ‘how he changes into a different species’ was pretty different, too. The entire mad scientist thing works well, I find. It’s really not your typical entry point into Equestria, and I find that it helps when establishing the character’s world view and perspective on things around him. In the beginning, you do a good job with creating subtle suspense by referring to his sister and family offhand, and I particularly like the buildup, however short, to the first person perspective. The third person section of the princess exploring the lab was quite good. Carrying onto the characters, the established ones are mostly pretty in character. I’m fond of how you handle Celestia, just the right amounts of mature ruler and kindly almost-mother figure balance out to create a legitimately likeable character. For Jake, I’m impressed. You’ve managed to create a great ‘pants’ character, one generic enough for anyone to just slip into the role. There’s not much that sets him apart from the wallpaper, tbh, and for this sort of character, that’s great. In addition, the eponymous Captain Asshat’s quite entertaining as well, and the chemistry between the two is quite enjoyable.
Now, for the negatives, story wise.
First, that whole diamond dog bits seemed entirely pointless. Like, completely. It was just torture porn. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, . It honestly didn’t fit with the rest of the story at all, and it really did seem like you just did it so you could seem dark and edgy. It doesn’t add anything, and it only really takes away. I won’t say that the diamond dogs are out of character, because they really aren’t shown as having all that much character in the first place, but they really do seem quite bland.
Onto the technical aspects!
Alright, here is somewhere that I can see you’re having some real trouble. I’m sorry, but you desperately need to become acquainted with a manual of style. You need a good bit of work in formatting, sentence structure, grammar... For the first half of the first chapter, you don’t even use punctuation to end sentences when folks are talking. Your sentence structure is really quite poor, and the sentences themselves are muddled and physically difficult to read and comprehend. Your words are out of order, you use the wrong words, wrong forms of words, improper punctuation... There’s honestly a LOT here that you’re making mistakes on. You’re putting various parts of speech in sections of sentences they really have no business being in, and it’s coming out rather jumbled in a lot of places. One of your biggest issues, however, is that you’re wording things quite awkwardly. Your phrasing ends up seeming awkward and stilted. As it goes on, though, you do start to improve, moreso in the later chapters. I heartily suggest that you get yourself a prereader, an editor or both.
On the plus side, though, your spelling’s pretty good. Very few mistakes there at all.
In conclusion, you’ve got a pretty solid story here. You've got good characters, a pretty good plot, and you’re doing a great job of keeping to an original plot. It’s held back, however, by some grammar and formatting issues. From seeing what you’ve got, however, I really do think you’ll be able to fix it all up. You’ve a good thing going, let’s see if you can make it great!
Cheers,
~La Barata, W.R.I.T.E.’s angry Scottish priest.
2813355
Thanks for the review^^
This helps me a lot, as i did not quite know what i needed to work on.
The part about the diamond dogs, when i go back and look at it myself, I have to agree with that it does look kinda out of place. It is however a setup for something later on. I needed to give Jake a reason to absolutely despice Diamond Dogs and that was the best thing I could come up with at the time.
2815464 Fair enough, I suppose. Keep up the good work!
Sphinx?