Storied Pony
Joined 3rd Dec, 2012 ·
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Well this was interesting to say the least. I think you did well with Dash's character and gave her a good companion for this story. I like how you incorporated our clouds into Equestria so the storm is pretty bad. This chapter proved to be a exciting adventure that I hope continues into chapter 2 and finishes chapter 2 with them safely getting to the cabin.
This sounds like a fascinating story so far.
Everything seems pretty exciting so far.
Dssh's character is well done. And I like this Edward guy already. Lucky S.O.B.
Anywho, if you are still looking for pre-readers, I might be up for it depending on how you want to do it.
At most 2more chapturs, NONSENSE GIVE US ALL THE CHAPTURES!!!
i like it already! keep up the good work
2567315
I guess you'll have to wait and see!
Of course, the description of the story kinda give it away xD.
2567936
Glad you like it, and pretty much! But then again, the human in these kinda stories are always lucky bastards xD. (On the other hand: Dash seems kinda... High maintenance, wouldn't you think?)
And sure, I'll add you to my small list of potential pre-readers. If you prove your worth, you will be rewarded too :D.
2569784
I don't think my plot warrants more than two more chapters! With more, it'd be... Really drawn out xD.
2571514
Glad you enjoyed it!
Amusingly enough, this is my least popular story yet. People on Fimfiction seem to really enjoy controversial fanfics! (Or it might just be because there's no smut yet xD.)
2571556 i'm sure it'll get more attention soon, it kinda reminds me of another fic i read a while back
2571559
There's a reason for that. It's inspired by another fic, Cabin Fever I think it was called, which I levelled some rather harsh criticism on. I decided to use it as a "Well, I should put my money where my mouth is" kinda thing and prove that I'm just not spouting platitudes, but prove that I can, in fact, do a better job at it.
Will it be successful? Heck if I know! That's what I aim to find out. (Do note that it's just the basic premise that's the same. As in: Human + Dash in a cabin in the mountains. Everything else is changed.)
Which reminds me, I should try to find the actual name of that fic and put an "inspired by" thing in the authors notes. Might do that at the final chapter.
2571589 yup, that's the story i was talking about too
2571593
Ah good! Then you get to be the judge! :P
2571612
yay
Very good story, you will now receive mustaches!
2571556
Good to hear. But I'll let you know that there's no need to reward me for volunteering. When I asked to pre-read, I never read your author's note. Its all in good spirit.
I'm...intrigued...by how this is going to play out, 'specially with the fourth-to-last paragraph. You have definitely caught my interest.
2572127
Haha, just a guess then, eh? Well, good job is rewarded either way :P. I'll send you a PM when I have some progress to show off.
2580190
So... Is that the one about getting a facefull of pony, or the one where Dash thinks of him as nice? :P Glad that you seem to enjoy it :).
2582297
I'll be here whenever you need me, Boss.
if you put as much effort into the clop as you have into the build up, we will have an off-the-charts experience of hotness and tenderness. and as RD would say, that would be "
So Awesome!"
i eagerly await more chapters.
Cheers!
Eh. The feel of this story is a bit weird. Characterization is off in a few places, there are tense and narrative mode inconsistencies, and some phrases are a bit awkward.
2601290
Well, the plan is for the intimate scene to be approximately 4000 words long. But it depends on how much fit in the context of it! I'm sure you'll find it fun :).
2610932
Hmm, feel free to give examples on where I'm off with the characterization, and suggestions as to how you would have done it.
I imagine that this bit is personal preference more than anything else, but it wouldn't be the first time I've changed my mind on something after I've heard a good reason to do so!
And what kind of "feel" do you get from it then? :)
Also: Do be so kind and point out where the narrative mode and style slips. I'm sure they're there, I do mix up the tense occasionally at least, but you're the first to even mention this so some examples would be great.
2614545
I suppose the weird tone is mainly because this story is written in present tense. If you do decide to do this, you'll have to be really careful about tenses.
"Still, he's made his final check to see that he had everything and then" - past tense
"Since they haven't talked much since agreeing on the trip" - present tense when it should be past
There's also numerous run-on sentences:
"To say that some of these items were a challenge to procure on such short notice is a vast understatement, they don't really produce them in sizes that are useful to your average human."
"She has to remind herself that they really aren't to blame, how were they supposed to know she was going to need someponys (somepony's) help this particular weekend?"
Since this story is written in third person, there shouldn't really be parts of the story told from a character's perspective
"Sure, it's not Twilights' (Twilight's) fault that she forgot to actually tell her friends about her plans until now, but you'd think at least one of them had some time over."
"Edward nods throughout that little speech, this weekend, huh? Seems like it's important to her."
In terms of characterization, I felt at the beginning of the chapter Dash was a bit too egotistical ("I can't practice if no one is there to watch me.") and the initial dialogue between Dash and Eddy seems rather forced
There are also numerous grammatical errors, which annoy my grammar nazi side.
this was a good story you should continue it
2617169
Interesting! Thanks for your comments.
As for mixing past and present tense, you're actually seeing the good side of it! I've tried writing in past tense, it just doesn't work for me. I constantly get it wrong when I try.
I'll try to go over it again, I'll certainly fix the ones you've pointed out, but aside from that? I'm probably not going to be able to spot where I've done wrong.
As for the run-on sentences... It appears to be an issue with comma-splices. Now, this is actually a literary device that's common in my native language, and since it's not an issue that aversely affect the story, I'm probably going to leave them in. It's one of those contended grammatical issues that are common even in published novels after all.
As to the first person parts: Those are meant to give an insight into how the characters think. Thought bubbles, as it were. I'd need a more appropriate way to express them if this doesn't suffice, because the content of them are important.
On Dash: I don't at all agree with you on Rainbows characterization. Rainbow Dash is, in fact, that egoistical. This is the pony who, during Trixies little show, said "Especially when ya got me around being better than the rest of us."
And finally: Do feel free to give your grammar nazi free reign. There's a reward at the end if you do!
2625103
I won't be able to do much until Sunday, but if you want me to I can preread/edit for you.
As a fan of human on pony porn, I seriously want more of this!
I don't have any constructive criticism to give really, just know that you got yet another reader who eagerly awaits another chapter.
2697485
Glad you like it then, despite Rainbow apparently being your least favoured character! :)
Fun fact: I'm actually working on chapter two right at this moment, whoo!
2697756 "Fun fact: I'm actually working on chapter two right at this moment, whoo!"
That just made my day right there. Still excited in the end.
this interests me so i will keep reading when new chapters arise so keep up the good work :)
2748552
Thank you!
Been hit with a busy period in life, but I'm getting to the next chapter eventually!
2751305 take your time we are in no rush
That needs to be hadn't
That needs to be pushes
Wore
Shown
I would recommend rewriting a few sentences so that he proper tenses match. Some sentences just don't sound right and can be reworded.
Other than that, everything seems pretty good.
I read your synopsis and I can say it sounds good but must be executed just right if you want it to be great. Try not to rush the story at all, stick to what you have planned, put meaning into what the characters are thinking. Don't just make things happen. Take the necessary time and patience for it.
2840493
At this stage, you might not want to put too much effort into commenting on errors, even if I appreciate it!
What you're seeing is the very first draft of the chapter, I've given it no clean-up at all. I am probably going to need a lot of help with the tense in the end. It's written in present tense, but I have a bit of a hard time actually seeing the spots where using past tense are actually proper, haha.
Also: Thanks! I do think there's a merit to the idea behind the story, but it is hard to write. It's hard to pack enough emotion into the words, and keep them meaningful. You've hit the reason for the slow progress too. There's no action to distract the reader, or to pad out with. The entire rest of the story will be the two of them interacting, so everything hinges on the dialogue. Believe me, it's torture trying to make it feel natural!
I really would love to see more of this. Keep it going.
2870224
There's more coming, but it's a challenging fic to write :).
2874851
Oh yeah, I'm sure. As long as it's not abandoned then I'm happy. :)
Update soon! It's been nearly a year!
3912048
Aha! Only nearly a year!
That means I have At Least another full year before panic mode starts!
I kid, I kid. Been plagued with a lack of free time for writing, and a lack of good inspiration for it! Things will happen in due time!
3982725 *throws a an ice cube wrapped in a condom at storied*
THERES YOUR INSPIRATION GOOD SIR!
Still waiting for chapter two.
*Proceeds to dig a shallow grave in the Graveyard of Good Ideas*
Can't wait for the next chapter of snowbound.