My Little Immortal: Friendship is Gothic

by Posh

Chapter Seven: Aminal I Have Become

answers neanderthal: omg im so srry u giz 4 da last cuppla atuhors noses. i guess somtimz i dont no wut i half. neway tara is gr8 n it turnz out i had her sweetner da hole tim lol i can b so srupid somtimz. U can keep mi posterior of Gerard. I no hez rlly ur hubsand n nut mine. BFFZIEZ.

in otter newz (lol geddit lik huey lewis n da newz dat fukkin prep badn) A talented jung artist named 666xxxtears4mybleedingsoulxxx666 just drew a pikachu of my little Immortal 4 me. FANGZ U GOFFIK BITCH U FUKKIN ROXXX!!111111111 U can c it on da frunt paje. GO n C it n clop 4 her!!!!1111111111111111111111

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Der is a goffik beest insid all of us. Da beast wants 2 eat ur soul n make u a goff like it. Da only way 2 defeat da goffik beast is 2 let it win n becum goffik. Otterwise, u becum a prep.

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After I was dunn wit watever it was dat i did in da last chapta (lol i don remember wut i rot) I ran in2 da Great Hal locking 4 mah frendz. Butt they were nut there. "WTF" I shouted 2 da emptiness.

Suddenly.............................. Bleedaloo, Sweetie Bell, Ditzy Doo, Flem and Flan, B'Lood and Rampage were there!!! "Where did u giz cum from??" I inquisited.

"When we saw u coming, we had 2 give u a surprise!!!" Said Sweetie Bell. She trotted over 2 me and we fancied. I looked at all my freindz. Crest was there! Crest used 2 be named COlgate. She was da town dentist in Ponyville, but one day she had a patient who didn't want 2 be operated on so she cut her head off and through it in the trash and ran away laughing lol it wuz me. After tha they put Golcate's head back on but she was 2 tramatized 2 be a dentist anymore. Den her Cutie mark changed in2 a pikture of Stalin putting up his middle finger at a bunch of prepz n she tock it as a sine dat she should be goggic. After dat she converted to Stanism and moved 2 Canterlot 2 go 2 Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrosn. She changed her name 2 Crest bcuz Crest rhymes wit Depressed n goffs r depressed.

"An besidz, da Mare of Ponyville is cumming 2 da skull (geddit skull datz wut is rapped around mah brane an i uze my brane 4 riting) n everypony os gong 2 go c her" said Sweetie Bell erectively.

"O ya!" I borked. "I betta go get drezzed." Al I was wearing waz my smexty yaoi top wif Gerard an Joel making out, my ripened blak skirt dat had goffik swear wrods on it in sandskirt (gettit) n my black and red underware dat covered my cutie markz suggestingly.

"Datz ok Ebony, we r ponez, an ponez don't wear cloves anyway" said Bleedaloo smartly.

I smelled happily at her. Bleedaloo iz mah smarty friend! So I tock off my cloves. Just then.....................Sweetie Bell looked at me longly, and started dancying wit me! I fancied her right back, lol and then we climbed on top of each other. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed while we had do it in da grate hall. Everypony around us clopped n cheered becuz we were so smexy lol accept 4 Bleedaloo she started 2 cry instead. But "cry" and "clop" n "cheer" both begin wit da letter "K" so datz okay.

Just then..........................."WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS?"

Sweetie Bell got off of me just as I finished having my oblivion. I loked up. Everypony stopped clopping. I shopped doing it wif Sweetie Bell. I gasped. It was.......................................................Professor Cheerilee!!! N behind her waz......................Principle Celestia, Professor Lyra, Professor Bon-Bon and...............teh Mare of Ponyville!

"MR WAY WAT DA BLEEP R U DOING???" intimidated teh Mare of Ponville.

"Lol im doing it wif my marefriend" I giggled suicidally. "Want 2 join in?" Principle Celestia blared at me.

"Ops she made a mistake, she means hi everypony, cum on in." She said and dey al trotted in2 da room.

"Dis cannot be!" said da Mare. "Discord is planning 2 kill da students! U must shut down da skull!" Den she pointed at Principle Celestia angrily. "U cannot be da principle anymore. U r 2 fat n ur big butt is dongerous! U must retry or Discord will kill ur students!"

"Very well" said Principle Celestia. "But we cannot close da skull. It iz da only skull in Equestria n wifout it our already abysmal literacy rate will attain critical mass."

"Den wat do u propoze Celestia?" asked Princess Nightmare Moon.

"Wut we need 2 do is 2 fite Discord. Butt only one pony can do dat. Dat pony iz da chosin one." She took out a goffik blak book wif a bloody black pentagarm on itz blod red cover. Wen she opened it da room filled wif da wailoing sorrows of a thousand goffs. It sounded just like a song by Green Day.

Principle Celestia red da prophecy badly.

"Wen da prepz al show up n try 2 kill da goffs
A pony will be born who can uze da Royal Cnaterlot Voice even dough she iz nut a princess.
She will kill a big fucking prep named Candice wif it.
Den she will go 2 Principle Celestia's School 4 Gifted Unicrons bcuz she iz da Chosin One."

Principle Celestia shopped redding n blared at da mare. Da Mare gosped (geddit lik gospel dat iz a prepy kind of musik). "Neighstrodamus rote dat!!!" she fingered. "But da Chosin 1 is just an old mes tale!"

Principle Celestia nooded. "Yes. But she isn't becuz she is standing in dis room. And her name is................................Ebony Way!"

Bleedaloo, Sweetie Bell, Rampage, Flem and Flan, B'Lood, Ditzy Doo, Saren, Crest, Professor Cheers, Professor Lyra, Professor Bon-Bon, Doctor Hoof, Princess Nightmare Moon, Principle Celestia, da Mare, Blueblood, Spike, Shining Armor, Obsolescence, Applejack, Discord, Draco, Vampire, Diabolo, Grab and Coyle, Lucian, Serious, Darkness, B'Loody Mary, Dracola, Professor Sinister, Professor Trevolry, Satan, Samaro, Snap, Loopin, Dobby, Hargrid, Dumblydore and Volxemort looked stared at me................................................I gasped!

After dat it wuz time 4 greakfast. We all sat down at are tablez. Da prepz sat at da prep table n da goffs sat at da goffik table. We all stared angrily at each other wile we ate are breakfast. Da goffs ate burned toast bcuz da burnz remind us of da horrible burning pain we all feel deep down n bcuz light toast is 4 preps. Da preps ate sunny side up eggs bcuz da sun reminded them of Principle Celestia's cutie mork.

Swordenly.....................Bleedaloo and Sweetie bell started fighting. "U bitch!" said Sweetie Bell. "I wanted 2 shit next 2 her!"

"Butt there are two empty seats next to her!" said Bleedaloo smartly. "We can both sit next to her on either side!"

"STFU!" Said Sweaty Bell. She kicked Bleedaloo really hard in da teef but datz ok becuz were goffs n goffs r kinda dumb if u hadn't noteced. Suddenly.........................da window shatterefd. In flew a preppy monster dat looked like Discord. It was..........................Discord!!!

"Ebony" said Q meanly. "Thou hast not yet killed Twilight Schnitzel. U must do it soon, or I shall kill thy beloved Sweetie Bell!"

"No! No! Plz dont make me kill B'Lood!" I bagged.

Discord laffed again. "No! Kill her or I shall killer her anyway!" Den he flew back out. Den I had a depressing visitor. In it, Discord n Sweetie Bell were lizzening 2 some Hilary Duff music n moshing in a preppy way. Den Discord took out his blonde barbye shotgun n shooted her in2 a million peaces n did it wif her crops.

"No! No!" I bagged again. But then Sweetie Bell snaped me out of it by pouring molten steel down my nostrils.

"Ebony r u okay???" she asked siriusly.

"No im nut!" I sabbed. "OMFG wut if Discord iz assuming direkt control over me lik in Mass Effect too???"

"Datz probably nut wutz gong on," sed B'Lood understatedly. "But ud better go c Professor Zecora juts 2 make shore."

"Okay cunt" I sed n we walked sexily 2 professor Zecora's office.

Professor Zecora was a goffik zebra who came from a place called ALgeria. Algeria was 2 ful of prepz n didn't half enough goffs so she poisoned them all with black nail polish (Bucuzz datz wut killz prepz) n moved to Cantinglot 2 teach potionz n deviation. She was goffik like me n really cool n stuff.

"Konnichiwa Ebony" said Zecora in her deep smexy voice dat sounded like Samuel L. Jacket's voice. "Have u come 2 learn?"

"No actshelly I juts need 2 know whut my vizzinz mean."

"Oh well okay dat makez sense" said Zecora. "I know dat uve been halving visions."

"WTF" I screamed. "R U WORKING 4 DISCORD!!!" I took out my MCR maschine gun n Sweetie Bell started 2 cry. "HOW COULD UUUUUU?"

"No no no" laughed Zecora. "Zebras just know instincitvely when somepony is having a vision. That's all."

"If that's the case then why didn't you tell Principle Celestia what was going on right away and saved us all the trouble of - "

"STUF" we all shouted at Bleedaloo. Den I went inside Zecora's office. "Okay Ebony now gays in2 da balls." I looked at them. "Wut do u c?"

"Balls" I said.

"Very good!" said Zecora. "Now go away so dat I can figgure out wut ur vizins mean."

I felkt so much better now that Zecora knew what was happening dat I got up and smelled happily at Sweetie bell. We fancied n went back 2 my room talking about goffik things, lik if Gerard Way was smexier than Joel Madden, or Humpfree Bogart."

Wen we got back 2 my room Sweetie bell took of her cloves. "Ebony wut did Depressor Zecora say?" she whispered in her goffik voice dat sounded like a combination of Claire Corlett and Fran Drescher.

"She said dat my vizzions mean dat im da Chosin One." I manned as Sweetie Bell and I started 2 do it. "I guess dat meanz I half 2 fite Discord now."

Sweetie Bell put on sum musik. It was da theme song 2 my favorite cartoon Danny Phantom.

YO DANNY FENTON HE WAS JUST FOURTEEN
WHEN HIS PARENTS BUILT A VERY STRANGE MACHINE
IT WAS DESIGNED TO VIEW A WORLD UNSEEN
HE'S GONNA CATCH 'EM ALL CUZ HEZ DANNY PHANTOM

We did it really really good. Den...................my eyes rolled up n I had a vizzin. In it...........................a bunch of prepz were shooting at 2 goffik pones!!!

"No! No!" I bagged. I woke up. I twas crying tearz of blood. Sweetie Bell shopped doing it wif me. "Wuzt wrong Ebony?" she asked contestedly.

I told her abott my vizin. She looked at me badly. "Ebony we need 2 go c Principle Celestia. She will no wut 2 do!"

I nooded. But den I remembered who wax in da vissin...................................Painbow Slash and Loona!

I gasped!

Comments

[TwinkiePinkie]

Ebony and Sweety Bell doing it to Danny Phantom.
"She changed her name 2 Crest bcuz Crest rhymes wit Depressed n goffs r depressed."
"Da goffs ate burned toast bcuz da burnz remind us of da horrible burning pain we all feel deep down n bcuz light toast is 4 preps."

So much genius in this, I can barely pick my favorite parts...

[Posh]

529456 The prophecy is probably my favorite thing that I've ever written. Hands down.

[Nonagon]

I could never do this. This is genuinely intimidating. Anyone can write crap, but making it so pure and filtered is astounding. I wonder, how much effort do you have to put in to craft a truly zero-effort story?

[Posh]

532229
The hardest part is resisting the urge to proofread.

[Venficus]

NOOOOO! Rainbow! FLY AWAY RAINBOW DASH! YOU MUST OUTFLY THE GOFFICKS!

Wait, I wonder if a tactical Rain Nuke upside Enobies head would kill her? Or was it Enoby? Epony? Epona? No, that's Zelda....Mary Sue? Obony? Erm.....I can't brain right now, I has the dumb.