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Chapter One: Totally Dropped the Ball; Should Have Named Her "Epony"3,049 words
Chapter Two: Don't Trust Any Of Them New Preps Over There2,275 words
Chapter Three: Just Kidding, Seth2,414 words
Chapter Four: I Couldn't Think of a Horse Pun for "Juliet"2,729 words
Chapter Five: da blak paraed1,723 words
Chapter Six: Because... Vampire!1,703 words
Chapter Seven: Aminal I Have Become1,962 words
Chapter Eight: How, Pray Tell, Does One "Loaf Meanly?"3,630 words
Chapter Nine3,659 words
Chapter Ten: There Will Come Goff Rains1,249 words
Chapter Eleven: Deths Tuch Sin1,465 words
Chapter Twelve1,847 words
Chapter Thirteen: In Which The Beaten Dog Bites Back 2,428 words

Chapter Three: Just Kidding, Seth

athors not: OK U NO WUT???????? I WNAT ALL OF MAH REEDERZ 2 FLAM EXTRIA DILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DOZE FOKKIN PREPZ, POZERZ N FAKE GOFFS TOLD ME DAT MAH STORY WAZ 2 GOFFIK 4 DEM 2 PUT ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELL U NO WUT I GOT SO DEPRESSET DAT I RAN OUT AND TRYED 2 COMMENT SUICASE N IF I DID IT DEN U WOOD B SRRY!!!!!!!!!!!! U CAN AL GO 2 HEAVYN U STUPID PREPZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neway lol fangz 2 all da reel goffs who keep readin. Wen I tryed commenting suecide i tohot of al of u n fond da raisin 2 keep holdin on. Ur wut keepz mah goffik haert beetin. Fangs 4 reedin n al da god revoiws!!!!!66666666666

N DONT 4GET 2 FLAM ESSESTRIA DOILY!1111111111111111111111111111111

******

Te morning after I got back from the Everfree Forest with Nigthmare Moon, I woke up in my coffin the morning after I got back from the Everfree Forest with Nightmare Moon. It was snowing outside, which made me happy. But I got too happy, and that made me afraid of being a prep, so I immediately started stabbing myself with my twisted black MCR knife with a picture of the band on it and it was signed by all of them in dripping bloody red ink. The pain hurt so bad that I started to cry and crym, and then id dint' feel happy anymore.

Anyway I rolled over to get up and saw that somepony was in bed with me. I gasped..............................Princess Nightmare Moon!!!!!!! I thought about the night before when we started frenching in her sinister red Marylin Manson Honda that had a picture of Che Guava with black lipstick and eyeliner on it and realized that we must have come back to my room and did it!!!!!!!!! OMG what would Bleedaloo think if she found out that I did it with Princess Nightmare Moon AND Sweetie Bell? She would think that Im a slut even though I so totally fucking am not!!!!!!!!!

Anyway I got out of bed and started to get dressed. My favorite black and pink dress with red string coming off of it was too clean, si I poured blood from my crystal globling all over it and then tore it up so it woud look smexy and make Sweetie Bell want tk do it with me. Then I put on my obsidian black horeshoes butt they wooden stay on so I took some hammers and some nailz and started to hammer them in2 my hoofs. It hut like fucking hell so bad and all i could think was "you fucking deserve it you fucking preppy fuck i hate you." Im so deprezzd lol.

The noise from the hammer hitting the nails into my hoofs was so loud that it woke up princess Nightmare Moon. "Ebony?" she askefd, getting up from the bed. She was so sexy and black and sexy that seeing her made me want to have an origamism with her.

"Hi Princess Nightmare Moon" I said, finishing my brutal self-harming. The force of the hammer against the fragile obsidian had shattered it, rendering the entire act of putting on my horeshoes quite pointless. All I got out of it were several nails embedded in my hoofs butt dats okay bcuz da pain hellpz (geddit lik hell bcuz im goffik n a stanistr) me 2 4get mah pain. "Fangs 4 helping me 2 get out of da Evergreen Forest an savin me from Discord" I said, flipping my long purple mane around like a helicopter."

"He will still try to make you kill your beloved Bleedaloo" said Nightmar Moon. "You shold tell Sweetie Bell about this. Discord said he wood try 2 kill her if u didnt kill Bleedaloo"

I knew I shouldn't tell Sweetie Bell becaus if she found out she wood not want 2 do it wit me anymor and might even try to contemplate siicide. "Dont worry Princess Nightmare Moon" i said. "I alyaws do da rite ting!!!"

******

I deceded 2 skip goin to Profesor Cheerily's class becauz I knew she'd just teach me something useless lik how to paint my hoofs pink or CPR. Insted I went to band pracitce with my heavy metal band, xxxbloodyristsxxx. The members in the band were myself sinigng (because I have a fucking awesome singing voice), Sweetie Bell playing guitar, bleedaloo playing the other kind of guitar that makes a diffrent noise (lik u no how da one gjitar sondz lik wang wang wang n da odder 1 soundz lik deen deen deen deen), Applejack doing the drumz (her cutie mark was three red drums that were made out of the skin of prepz pozerz and FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF) and Spike playing the sexaphone. Eccept dat dat Spike was off visiting B'lood in Ponyville and Bleedaloo and Sweaty Belll were off havin a groop cutting session wit Flem and Flan. None of them wood dye because they are goffs, n the only way 2 kill goffs is to make them eat well-cooked steak. Spike is B'Lood's son and he is a dragon but all poniez are racist against dragons even tho they r all cool an goffik. They alyaws hit him n rip his scales off 2 make dresses witht them so Principle Celestia said dat he could come live in the school becaus he was sogood at tplaying sexphone.

Nyeay it was just me and Applejack because of the group cutting session n spike was in pointyvill so it was just me and Applejack. We were doing are cover of Amrican Idiot and I was signing grate but Applejacks durms were not gothick enough so I yelled "FUK OF APPLEJERK UR MESSIN UP DA SONG!!111111"

Applejack locked at me with gothick concern in her green eyes that were green like Solid Snake's eyes. "Ebony is something wrong? You can tell me anything. I'm your best friend, ermbember?" Her nose was covered in bandages and gauze because of the way I hit her the other day.

"STFU" I screamed and I kicked her in her cutie mnark as hard as I could. It cocked the wind out of her but that's okay because she is gothic too. She stopped wearing her preppy hat and now she just wears a blood red hoodie like the kind i wear when it's raining *ok if u want 2 c da pic i wil send it 2 u(. She was layin there and not saying anything because she could not intake enough oxygen because of how ahrd I kicked her. That was so sweet of her to listen to me when I was having problemz. So I started 2 tell her. "Well I ran into that fucker Discord yesterday and he told me I need to kill Bleedaloo. But I don't want to kill Bleedaloo even though she did it with Sweetie Bell but Discord said that if I didint kill Bleedaloo then he would fucking kill Sweetie Bell! But I dont want to kill Bleedaloo but i donte want Sweetie Bell 2 die either!!!!!!!" I busted into tearz and flopped over Applejack, crushing her ribcage with my belly.

Sudetenland....................Somepony jumped out of a tree!!!!!! I thought it was Priness Nightmare Moonb eacuse of all her treehouses in school but it wasnt it was........................Sweetie bell! "How cold u Evony!!!!!!!" she yelled. Tears of sorrow were spilling down her pallid, gothic face. "I thought I could trust u, but you woodent tell me that Discord wanted to kill me! How could u????"

"No! No! Plz let me plain!" I bagged butt Sweetie bell shook her hed and in doing so ahook her blue and black and green mane that was the color of depression. "Ur just a prep, a pozer, and u dont really love me!!!!!!!!!!" She started to crye and cry. I cried too, all sensitive. Then Sweetie Bell ran away crying. APplejack was crying too because of all the grievous damage I had done to her ribcage and breathing.

Well we kept playin our song n learnin how 2 be good at playing music for two more horus. Then......................Principle Celestia stomped in angrily!!!!!! "Ebony what have you done!!!!!!" She started to cry pink sparkling tears of preppiness. "Ebony Sweetie Bell has been found dead. She commited suicide by drinking a whole bucket of pink fingernail polish."

I gasped. Pink fingernail polish is extremly toxic 2 goffs! "Did u try hitting her until she woke up????????"" I screamed.

Principle Celestia nooded sandly. "Im srry, Ebony. Please accept this token of my apologies.," She tried to give me six million $s butt I wooden half it. "Fuck u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed, kicking APplejack in the eye. "My marefreind just killed herself and u think dat money is gong 2 make it al bitter??!?!?!?!?!?! Im going 2 commit sewarcide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

******

I ran as fast as I could back 2 my room. Principle Celestia and Applejack were following but APplejack was following in a wheelchair because my attacks had left her brutalized and crippled. They were shouting at me well applejack wasnt she was kind of moaning in pain lol she wasnt acsehally floowing me she waz deed an den Flem and Flan did it wit her crops (an APPLEJACK UR A FUKKIN PREP AN A FUCKKIN RPEPY FUKKER UR NEVER GONG 2 GET APPLEBLOOM BAK UR NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER FUK U FUK U FUK U FUK U FUKFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway I jumped into my room and deadbolted the door with my sexy gothic magic. Then I locke dthe door with my magic red door locking key. It had a picture of Saren on it. Saren used to be a Vanderbilt but then he took an arrow to the wing and he coldnt' do ot anymore. He waas so depressed that he tried to ki;ll himself but I saved him from doing it (ew you pervs not like that) and now he's famous for being an awesome sexy rock star. We do it sometimes even though I'm not straight and I only like mares.

Anyway I locke the door. I could hear Pricniple Celestia trying to unlock the door with her preppy unicron magic butt I had encanted it so dat only goffik magic cold open da door. It woould take a reall goff like me or Sweetie Bell to open the door. As soon as I thought about Sweetie Bell I remembed dat I wanted to kill mysefl n ran 2 da bathtub, strippin off my cloves. Usually I look at my body 4 a while b4 I try 2 kill myself becuz im so smexy, butt today I was 2 depressed. I jumped into the tub and took out my red and black Nightmare B4 Hearts Warming Eve machinegun and shot it into my brain a zillion times. Then I remembered that it wouldnt wark becauz Im a vampire and the only way 2 kill a vampire is to cut him into a lot of pieces and then use the royal canterlot voice on them. I didnt know anypony who could use the royal canterlot voice though except 4 me an Princess Nightmare Moon and Principle Celestia and Princess Candyke but shes dead now becauz I killed her with my royal canterlot voice.

Anyway when I ran out of bullets I got out of the bathtub and sighed. I wrapped myself in my Joe Strummer towel and sighed. I couldn't fucking believe that Sweetie Bell was dead. Then.........................I looked out the window and SCREAMED!!!!!!! Professor Lyra wassitting in her hot air baloon and she was taking pictures of me while I was naked!!!! And Pinkie Pie was doing it wit her and Lyra was doing it to Pinkie Pie and they were doing it while they were watching me and then they tried to make me do it with them!!!!!!!!!!!

"EW YO FUCKING PERVERTED PREPPY BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I H8 LESBAINZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Suddenly the door opened. It was..................Bleedaloo!!!!!!! She saw what Pinkie Pie and Lyra were trying 2 do and she talk out her razor blade nunchick throwing star machinegun that was autographed by Satan!!!!!! "Take this u fucking preps!!!!!!!" Then she shot at them a zillion times. I took my machinegun and Discord's preppy pink Barbie shotgun with blonde hair (I knew I'd have to wash my horn afterward to get the prep off of it) and started shooting them too. I fired a million zillion shots at them!

Suddenly, Principle Celestia ran in!!!!! "Ebony, it appears that somepony has NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" And then she waved her horn and suddenly.......................

SPike ran outside on his hot air balloon. "Everypony, get in here! We need to talk about sris issues1!!!'

"What do you know Spike? You're not even a lstudent here! aLL YOU CAN DO is play sexaphone!!!!!!!"

"I MAY BE A SEXAPHONE PLAYER" Spike paused angirly. "BUT I AM ALSO A DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"this cannot be!!!" pinkie Pie giggled as she wiped off all the blood from where me and bleedaloo had shot her. "There must be other factors!"

"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!!!!!!!" I yelled in madly while shooting my machine gun at APplejack's gravestoneFUCKYOUAPPLEJACK

Lyra got up. She was holding the pink Ashlee Sipson camera that she had used to take the video of me naked. "Good enws everypony!!!!!" she yelled. "I've still got the videotape of Ebony naked!!!!!!!"

Everypony in school cheered. They always wanted 2 sdee me naked because I'm just so fucking sexy and hot. Well I woodent let them! But I was too faint right now, like how you get when you don't drink enough blood. Maybe instead of poring my blood on my dress this morning I should have drinked it.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS???" shouted Pinkie Pie.

"BECAUSE... BEACUSE>..." said Spike as he flew up in the air with his wings that had pentagrams on them. THen he flew in circles singing to the tune of a goffik version of a song by Sapphire Whores.

"Because ur goffik???" said Lyra becaus she was afraind dat it ment he was connected with Discord even though everypony nose that Discord is the biggest fucking prep on the planet.

"Because I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Spike and swooped he in, kissing me on the lips and FRENCHING me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gasped!

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