My Little Immortal: Friendship is Gothic

by Posh

Chapter Eight: How, Pray Tell, Does One "Loaf Meanly?"

allons-y norbert: im sorry dat dis chapa tock so lung 2 rite!!1111111111 Im so goffik dat somtimz I 4get how 2 uze da komputer 2 rite tings!!!! Neway lol fangs for waitin so lung 4 me n i hope dat u lik dis chapta. It iz muh favorite chapta so far bcuz it iz 20 percent more goffik dan da otter ones (LPOL GIDDIT LIK RAINBOW DASH SAUYS THAT IN 1 EPOUSODE)

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Me and Sweetie bell cried and cried the rest of the time we were doing it. We couldn't believe what was going on with Painbow Slash and Loona. AFter my one hundred trillionth oblongism Sweetie Bell said "hey Ebony shouldn't we go tell Principle Celestia what's going on with Painbow Slash and Loona?"

"Oh ya lol" I said bcuz I 4got about them. We got up and cuntered sexily 2 Principle Celestia's orifice. Painbow Slash is frum Clodsdale n she is a pegasus. Her old name was Rainbow dash n her hair was made out of rainbows but one day she found out that her real parents were goffik pirates who killed n rapped ponies n other goffik things. She was so depressed dat she turned ogffik n became a pirate 2! She changed her name ro Painbow Slash bcuz of how much she loves pain (she's a mesoamerican so pain makes her hornyt)n her cutie mark iz now a picture of a goffik pony wif blood red illiner stabbing two prtepz 2 deaf wif swordz made out of Christians n da prepz r naked n crying n stuff.

Loona is Princess Nightmare Moon's sister butt shr is not a princess dshe is just :Loona. Loona was born on da moon but when she was a little girl Princess Candice kindapped her for smex bcuz she wazz a ropist n a pedofork. She got freedom when I killed Princess Candice wif my Royal Atnercot voice but Loona was beverly depressed n suicidal bcuz of her sexperience. Sheis goffik now and her cutie mark is still da moon bcuz da moon iz what makes warolves n warwolfes r fuckin hot did u c taylor laundry in New Moon lol dat waz da sexist movie ever goz fux taylor laundry.

Neway we got 2 Principle Celestia's office. As usual dat fikkiun prep waz eatin pizz an kace with her hoofs. What a fucking fat fucking preppy fucking prep fucker. "Celstiea Celestia" we said 2gether really fast.

"What" said Principle Celestia.

"Sire are freindz have been shot!" said Sweetie Bell while I wipped some tearz out of her eyes.

"U interrupted snackl time 2 tell me dat!" Principle Celestia fumigated. She launched some stones at us. "Go back 2 ur rooms! U r grounded 4 ever!"

Suddenly I got really mad and I grew fifty feet tall n my hair got all gold and spikey like on dat Japanese cartoon Neon Genesis Angel Lions. "Look Motherfucker" I screamed in my Royal Canterlot Voice. "Ur fookin fat n gross n a prep, no matter how goffik u try 2 tell everypony u r! Now my freindzz are bein shopt at so ud better put down ur food n find dem, pornto!"

Principle Celestia gasped because I used bad words. She dropped all her cock and pizazz and started 2 cry and cry but I knew it was bvuz she was a prep n unt bcuz she was goffik. Goffs only cry da rite way. Prepz cry da rong, preppy way.

"Y r u crying>!>!" I screamed.

"bcuz iom goffok" puddled Principle Celestia.

"She iz nut goffik!" cried Sweetie bell pornting at her eyes. "She z nut even crying tearz of blood1

"Lik I said!" I started to stomp on Pesto Salad again and again until all her bones were broken but datz ok bcuz we r goffik an Celestia's School for Gifted Unicrons has the highest mortality rate out of any educational institute in Equestria. But I did not lkill Principle Cletus. I shrunk down 2 normal pony size n said "Now r u going 2 jhelp me find my friendz?"

Pontius Caleb nooded preppily.

"God!" I stomped on her again. "N from now on don't let me catch u wearing goffik cloves ever again!" Sweetie Bell and I stomped depressingly out of her room.

"Wait Ebony" said Sweetie Bell. "U forgot 2 tell Polonium Calcium where Painbow Slash and Loona were."

"Oh ya lol" I took out my balls. "We can find out by looking in here." We looked sexily at my balls. Suddenly.........................................there they were!

"Let'z get them!" we said 2gether. We jumped in2 Sweetie Bell's car n drove 2 where they were. We found da prepz shooting tehm wif big preppy shotguns. I gasped. They were pink and had blonde hair just like Discords gun.

"OMFG" I said. "Discord told them 2 kill Painbow and Loona!"

"But y?" asked Sweetie Bell sexily. She turned on da machine guns in her car that it has instead of license plates and started 2 shoot all da prepz. When da prepz were dead we jumped out of da car and clopped sexily over 2 Painbow and Loona. THey were both bleeding a lot. Dat made us depressed so we stopped for a few hours 2 cut ourselves n lizzen 2 BC. When we were finished they were buthe very pail and nut breathing. "OMFG" I creamed. "We need 2 get dem 2 da hospital!"

"No need!" said Sweetie Bell poundly. She reached in2 da trunk of ehr car and pulled out da hospital. "OMFG" I said. "How did dat fit in der?"

"I keep hospitals stashed all over Equestria" said Sweetie Bell. "In case of hospital emergency."

"That's a fucking cop-out" said Solid snake.

"STFU" we screamed n we took dem in2 da hospital. And we gasped. Saren was there! "OMFG Saren!" I screamed. I was so happy dat we had do it right there in da weighting room. Sweetie Bell cried and cried but that's okay bcuz wer goffik and you can have sex with someone behind your girlfriend's back as long as it's with a boy and it's casual, RIGHT BLACKJACK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

"OMFG Saren wut r u dong here?" I asked after da do it.

"Oh im a doctor 2" said Saren. He picked up Loona and Painbow Slash and walked in2 da operating room. "Nurse I need twenty CCs of goffik juice rite away"

Da nurse walked in wif a giant bottle of goffik beer.

Sweetie Bell and I sat there for what felt like one thousand hours. We looked at each other's goffik., depressed eyes. We francied but for somer eason Sweatie Belle didn ot want 2 fancy wif me so I just pinned her down and fancied her while she struggled lol. Suddenly..........................da hospital doors opened. Loona and Painbow Slash came in on stretchers........................................and Zecora was behind them!

I gasped!

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Everypony in da hospital was crying nd cheering and clopping a lot bcuz dey were so happy dat we saved Loona and Painbow Slash. But I was 2 goffik to cheer 4 dem so I just sat dere zlitzting muh riztz.

Suddenly...............Zecora said "Ebony we need 2 ave a talk right now." So we wnent in2 an operating room. A doctrow was doing sugery on some prepz. "Hey u can't be in here!" said da doctor.

"FUK OF!" ssaid Zecora. Da doctor did n we sat on da prepz who were now dead bcuz da doctor wazn't doing sugery on dem anymore. "Ebony I now know what da meaning of what u saw in da balls" said ZZeccora badly.

"OMFG" I said. "Wut happened?"

"Der is an epic pony war coming" said Zecora. "A war between goffs and prepz dat will destroy da world. In da future prepz and goffs will still be fighting n da prepz r going 2 win. Da only way 2 save da future is 4 u 2 go forward in tim 2 defeat Dicksword n hiz preppy army or else da future is domed."

We did deths tuch sin n I went back outside. Bleedaloo n Sweetie Bell were waiting 4 me. "Wut did Zecora say?" asked bleedaloo.

I started 2 tell dem but da party was 2 loud. Oh ya lol I 4got 2 say dat dere was a party. Everypony from da skull wuz der. All of my friends were there. And Applejack was there. Principle Celestia was there 2 but she was there 2 get her bones fixed becuz of how bad I almost killed her earlier lol. Crest was there doing mouth sugery on some prepz n not using any Novacaine but dat'z okay bcuz we're gofifk n goffs have gr8 malpractice insuracne. There were also a lot of prepz there trying 2 be goffik. They were all cutting themselves, even tho they did not no why goffs cut demselves (its cuz we r goffik).

I took out my invincibility scarf n raped it around me and bleedaloo and sweetie Bell. THen we walked sexily out of da hospital.

I gapsed!

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Wen we gut bak 2 da school Wheaties Bell asked me "Ebony wut did Professor Zecora say abott ur vizzinz?"

I told her dat I had 2 go in2 da future. Bleedaloo said "Why do you have to go into the future to stop the war? Why not prevent the war from ever happening by staying in the past?"

"BCUZ DAT IZ NUT DA GOFFIK WAY lol geddit way lik my name ebony way" I said.

Suddenly Swetie Belly looked asd. "What's wrong Sweetie Bell" we asked concertoly?

"Wen u go in2 da future r u going 2 break up wif me?" asked Sweetie Bell.

"Lol no" I said. "Datz stupid. Ur stupid."

"Really Ebony?' asked Sweetie bell smilingly.

"Ya. Bcuz ur my fokkin marefriend u silly filyl!" We fancied. Suddenly.................Bleedaloo took out a camera n started 2 record it (I had said dat it was ok be4). We started 2 do it a lot. Bleedaloo was watching even though I knew she would rather be doing it 2 but that's ok becuz we r goffik n goffs r notorious cockteases.

Suddenly........................"O MI JESUS WUTZ DIS NONSENSE?"

It was...................................Professor Lyra n Professor Bon-Bon!

I gasped!

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We all jamped out of my bed. "CUM NOW!!!!!" said Bin-Ban angrily. We did suicidally. Bleedaloo started 2 cry n me n Sweetie Bell comforted her by licking her face. Lyra garbed the catamaran n put it in her poket.

"Hey motherducker datz mi cameral" said Bleedaloo angirly while me and Sweetie Bell licked her face. "I paid six thousand goffik dullards 4 it!"

"Well no itz muh caramel" said Lyra. She loafed meanly.

They tock us 2 a room dat was filled wif gardening implements. I gasped. It was..................the shed! Bon-Bon put down a Twister mat n made us stand inside it. Den she said "OK Lurid im gong 2 go 2 da store now is dere anyfing we need?"

Lyra fought about it. "Maybe u can bi (lol geddit bcuz im bi) some lesbian things. We r almost out of lesbian things."

I got so mad that I started to stomp and stompo. "I HATE LESBANANAS!!!!!!!" I eagled.

"Cum down Ebony" whispered Sweetie Bell sweetly. "remember, u brought ur ipony. U can txt somepony 2 help us."

Suddenly Lyra laughed. Then......................she transformed in2 a horrible monster! I gasoed. Lyra wasn't actually a pony. Lyra was.........................Queen Crystalis!

"Hahahahahahahaaha!" said QUeen Crystalis. "U three have so much goffik depression n sorrow in ur bodies dat I can absorb it all! Den I will be even more pwoerful den Principle Celestial!"

"U prep!" I screamed.

Queen Crystalis Laughed. Then..................she gave me a prepy pink handgun that was autographed by da guy who played da boy in Cholestoral Expunges it All. "Take diz gun n shoot Twilight Sparkle wif it. If u dont den ill rap Sweetie Bell!"

B'Lood looked at me. She was there now. I looked at her and I thoguht about Sweetie bell and all the times we had do it gotether n I thoguht about B'Lood and ow her whole life had just neen sorrow and sadness. I kenw that the right thing 2 do would be 2 kill B'Lood n save Sweetie Bell but I knew that the only thing I could do was not to do. So I did it.

Instead.............................I told Sweetie Bell and Scotaloo via a series of breakdance moves 2 distract Queen Crystalis with their goffik rhetoric. "Hey Crystalis" sed Bleedaloo. "Everyfing I say is a lie. Im lying lol."

Queen Crystalis stopped rapping them. She garbed her head and screamed. "NOOOOOOO MY ONE WEAKNESS" she screamed.

"Quick everypiny" I said. "Now!!!"

Bleedaloo and Sweetie Bell took out their gunz. I took out my iPony n sent a txt message 2 Loona. Queen Crystalis transformed in2 Hilary Duff n started fighrting with carroty. Suddnely.....................Loona came!

Queen Crystalis turned back in2 lYra. "Oh hi Loona I was just teaching tehm sumfing" said Lyra.

But Loona was not cornvinced. Then Painbow Slash and Zecora came in2 da room. THey jumped on Queen Crystalize n started to rape her up wif ropes n handcuffs. "Ur going 2 go to jale" said Painbow Slash. Then Zecora hald my hoof in her hoof. "Cum on Epona letz go."

I gasped!

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When we gut back 2 da conmen room Everypiny was yhere. They all had bags n boxes 4 me to open. "OMFG" I said. "Itz muh birthday again!"

"No you stupid bitch" said Bleedaloo. "We just new dat u wouldneed some new shit 2 wear wen u went 2 da future. Da goffs of da future needed 2 no how goffik da goffs of da past were."

"Fangs" I smelled happily. We did deths tuch sin. "But wutz in da prezzntz?"

"U will c wen u open dem" said Soggy bell. "Itz a surprise."

"U can do it!" said Ditzy Doo. "Save da future from da prepz!"

"We al believe in u!" Said B'Lood!"

Zecora opened up da book dat Twarkle Sparkle used 2 go back 2 da past in da episode where she went back 2 da past. She started to read some words from it.

"It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life"

Suddenly........................da portal opened! It was made out of goffik black cloth and was covered in blood red riting dat was all Green Day lyrucs. I gasoed. "Green Day was the secret of time travel???" I screamed.

"Ya" said Bleedaloo. "Y do u fink der music is so god? Becuz dey came from da past n everyfing was better back in da past!"

Now everything made sense 2 me.

Sweetie Bell n I fancied one last tim. Den....................I took al da bagz in my hooves n den.................I jumped sexily in2 da portal!

It was really really black in da portal n I could nut c anyfing. "Hey iz dis da future!" I said. I tohot dat if it was so blak da tmeant dat Principality Somalia was ded n da sun couldn't rise ever again n dat made me happy becuz dat meant dat it would be cold n dark just like my goffik heart.

Suddenly................................B'Lood appeared! "OMFG B'Lood!" Is aid. "U came in2 da portal 2?"

B'Lood did not look vert happy even though she is goffik n never happy. But she looked loike a different not happy. "In a manner of speaking, yes," said B'Lood.

Suddenly I noticed dat B'Lood was purple n pink n not her uusal gofifk colors. N she was naked! "B'Lood! Y rent u wearing ur gofifk stuff?" I gassed. "Did da prepz bet u up n tak it 2 look gofifk?"

B'Lood gave me a dud-ur-so-retarded look. "What in the world are you - oh, whatever. Look, please, don't give me any of that. It's important that you and I put an end to this rampant delusion as expediently as possible, without feeding into it any more than you already have. So can you just... put that away and talk to me for real?" She waved her hoof at me.

I lockjed down at mah smexy red and black halter top dat was covered in Joel Madden's cement. "But dis is muh favorit shit!1" I said. "I got it at ur story in Pointyvill!"

B"Lood put her hoof on her face and mad a noise. "This is going to be more difficult than I thought."

Suddenly an idea I had! "Hay B'Lood which way is da future?"

Suddenly B'Lood grabbed me n looked in2 my eyes really hard. "This has gone far enough. My name isn't B'Lood! You're not a gothic unicorn! There is no place called 'Pointyville,' and if there were, I doubt I'd so much as live there, much less own a shop there!"

I started 2 cry and cry goffik red tears of bloody depresseion. "Y r u bean so mean 2 me B'Lood?" I whimpsered.

B'Lood's face mad elotz of differnt espressos. Den she just looked mad. Her teeth went all clenchy and sum steem came out of her earz. "I came in here to get you, because you're almost out of time," she splained. "But I can't help you unless you want to be helped. So we need to break down this delusion, and get to the real you. Otherwise, you're going. To. Die."

"I donut no wut u meen - "

"I 'meen' that you need to save yourself!" yelled Twilight Sparkle. "You need to snap out of this, Apple Bloom!"

******

Apple Bloom's eyes flew open.

She bolted upright in the hospital bed and screamed. Twilight, who had been standing beside her bed, her gently shimmering horn resting against the filly's clammy forehead, was thrown backward suddenly by an unseen force. The glow around her horn vanished as she impacted the far wall, crumpling to the floor in a daze. The attending doctor spared Twilight a worried glance, then turned back to Apple Bloom. "Pin her down," he ordered. "Nurse, administer the sedative. Put her back under."

Nurses and orderlies crowded Apple Bloom's bed, but the same force that assaulted Twilight warded them away with broad, powerful blows, battering them aside. The nurse holding the sedative was struck across the jaw; she wavered for a moment before collapsing against the nightstand. The doctor watched as a dark mist gathered over Apple Bloom's bed. It formed a pair of black lips, which curled back to reveal two rows of fangs, their tips coated in red.

"GET AYAW FRUM MI FREND" said a high, reverberating voice, issuing from the mouth. "EPPALBLAM IZ MUH BEST FREND N U WONT TAK HER AWAY FRUM MI!"

The doctor clenched his jaw. He plucked the syringe containing the sedative from the unconscious nurse. With the syringe held tightly between his teeth, he lunged at Apple Bloom.

"I SED GO AWAY!166666" said the disembodied mouth. An invisible blow struck the doctor on the back, dropping him to his knees. "GO AWAY!"

Brilliant white light shone throughout the room. The mouth seemed to shrink away from it, withdrawing into itself. The doctor looked to the source of the light. It was Twilight Sparkle, on her hooves once again, her shoulders bowed and her horn shining radiantly. A thin trickle of blood dripped from her nose. "Do it!" she snapped. "Put her back under!"

The doctor did as he was told. Uncapping the syringe, he pushed it into Apple Bloom's neck and crushed the plunger with his tongue. Apple Bloom's eyes rolled back, and she dropped against the pillow. The disembodied mouth dissolved, curling into a smile before vanishing from sight.

Twilight staggered toward Apple Bloom's bedside and slumped against the mattress. A nearby door opened, and Applejack entered, her face pale and her eyelids black and sagging. Ashamed at her failure to reach Apple Bloom, Twilight could only sigh and shake her head.

Applejack trotted to her sister's bedside. Tenderly, she reached out with a hoof and brushed her sweaty, matted red bangs out of her face. Twilight looked at her friend's red, sleepless eyes, then at the unconscious filly, who seemed deceptively peaceful in her drug-induced sleep. "Your prognosis, doctor?" asked Twilight.

The doctor chewed his lip for a moment before answering. "I'd say the situation just got complicated."

Comments

[TwinkiePinkie]

And suddenly... plot.

This had me giggling hysterically as usual (especially at Celestia's name getting more and more mangled) right up to the end. Now it's about 1.2 times as disturbing and I'm not sure how to feel.

[Posh]

610112 Ha ha! The plot has been doubled!

(rolling with Trollestia because there isn't a Luna icon)

[wubstep pony]

Who knew?

[Whalesbefreeyo]

"Now my freindzz are bein shopt at so ud better put down ur food n find dem, pornto!""

PORN! The greatest remedy for bullet wounds

Misspellings are so fun to misinterpret.

[Posh]

613368 It's supposed to be "pronto". The misspelling comes from the original My Immortal, in the analogous scene.

I don't see what pornography has to do with expediency, but okay, sure, Dumblydor'll get right on it. Just let him pull up Redtube, and he's off to the races.

[TwinkiePinkie]

611687 I made a really crappy one for you. Hard to see though. img444.imageshack.us/img444/1345/lunafimfiction.png

[Nonagon]

Whoa. Meta.

[T_K_21]

lol grate chapter, poosh. Evan beter then da last!!!

Sumthing wuz rong with dat last puart, thooug. All da words loked weerd. I tink u need a preeder >

[Posh]

845794 The original's a classic. Definitely read it.

It's not hard to type like that. What's hard is not going back to correct it. Whenever I make a typo (and a lot of the typos in there are unintentional), I have to fight down the urge to correct it.

[Posh]

892798 For all we know, Bleedaloo is a seven footed, nineteen legged pencil sharpener that emits gamma radiation. Nothing is as it seems.

[KartalTheWriter]

"I keep hospitals stashed all over Equestria" Sweetie Belle, Mare of Many Talents: Crusader, Goff, Lover, Dictionary, and apparently an advanced caster of the Enlargement charm.

So....you're saying that this thing actually makes sense in the long run? But Ebony was actually growing on me. I was starting to like her a whole lot.
I did wonder where Apple Bloom went, though.

[horizon]

It's really saying something that the sudden switch to coherence is not the most magnificent part of this chapter.

Seriously, I've been reading through it as a sort of self-help therapy for having unleashed My Harshwhinnial on the world for April Fool's.[1] This is a more direct homage than my sports-based derivative, but you've done a remarkable job of remixing it and revisiting all the highlights without simply retelling it. Little touches like the ever-more-ludicrous expansions of "AN" and Celestia's name roll from absurdity into hilarity. The typoes are occasionally frustrating, because a typo that makes a word unreadable breaks you out of the flow of the narrative, but by now when the story has picked up its consistent voice, you're just rocking it.

I freaking lost it at the trunk hospital and the goffik juice.

Anyway, marvelous chapter in an already enjoyable … uh, "story"!

--
[1] I actually deliberately held off on reading this until after I'd finished MyHW. I'm amazed and amused that we both felt the need to break through into coherence, though we did it in such different ways. Really interested to see where yours goes.