Two weeks Luna has been in Canterlot since her redemption. Two weeks and many ponies have come to think all is back to normal even with the relatively new Princess. This is far from the truth as not all is back to normal. Back before Luna had been claimed by the Nightmare, she and Celestia had been close sisters but now they are as separated as ever. The thousand years on the moon has caused Luna to drift away and become even farther introverted than before.
With Luna trying to deal with her unstable emotions as well as trying to fit back into society and Celestia trying to make up a thousand years with Luna, can the sisters repair what has been damaged between them? Not all hardships can be overcome as easily as Celestia has believed in the past, for Luna is a mare that is more damaged than either of them realize.
This is not my first story written but it is my first MLP:FiM story so I would love to see criticism on the story but like anyone would ask, be civil.
Sad tag for future chapters when I learn how to write such scenes...
Obvious copyrights are obvious.
Very well written and I liked it. I am not gonna make a huge review over this cause I got a lot of stories to get through but you are an excellent writer
9/10
2342839 Thanks very much
I know that feel of having a lot of stories to read through
This was a very good story and was well worth the wait. I'd give it a 6 out of 8 Spike Mustache.
2343724 Scootaloo is happy
Well... you did seal her in the moon for a 1000 years, whiles you were loved and respected for it... and you wonder what beef she has on you, hey Celestia?
2351325 For being the being who controls the sun, she can be pretty thick about friendship and sisterhood huh? That explains why she wanted friendship reports...
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A Damaged Sister
Grammar: 8/10 Nothing a thorough read through couldn't fix. I only noticed them because they're mistakes I make all the time.
Pros: An excellent story premises. It will be interesting to how Celestia and Luna overcome a thousand years of hardship. Characterization is well done Exposition is wonderful. You have a good eye for detail and description.
Cons: This could go under the grammar section technically, but, you tend to type numbers instead of writing them out. 2 should be two for example. Also, your characterization is good, but the dialogue for some could be better. Like when Celestia calls Luna "lil' sis" it feels... unnecessary, especially during the circumstances.
Mechanical details aside, you have the makings of a good writer and you have the start of an interesting story. I will happily follow this and see where it goes.
If you can, feel free to read and review my new story Sunset of Time if peaks your interest. Please and thank you.
2357888 Thank you for the review! I definitely needed this (truly no sarcasm) since I am always sceptical of my writing. I'll put a review on your story when I can which is probably later today.
Thanks for the story, I enjoyed it. I especially like stories that focus on Celestia and Luna's relationship after Luna's return. I wonder how Celestia will try to gain access to hear Luna's thoughts :)
2361046 I have a feeling that Celestia will go crazy trying to figure it out
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A Damaged Sister
Grammar: 7/10 - All around pretty good stuff. I shaved off a couple points here for your dialogue. See cons.
Pros: Relatively unexplored topic, I think. A lot of stories try to tell the return of Luna as being all happy-hunky-dory, when there definitely had to have been some early tension.I think you could extend this into at least a couple more parts. You've also got a good head for describing a scene and the emotions of your characters.
Cons: Dialogue flow is your big problem. Dialogue flow is one of those things that's a pain in the flank to get right. Your conversations come off a bit wooden between Luna and Celestia as the fic goes on. That could be intentional, so feel free to correct me if It is. Don't be afraid of comma's, but don't overuse them. You've got a good core here, it just needs a little smoothing out.
Notes: Nothing specific, I'd like to see more of this story before I make any further judgments. Thanks for your review of The Code's Apprentice and if you have any other questions, Let me know!
2362211 Had to find a computer first, but anyways thanks for the review. The dialogue with Luna and Celestia at the end was meant to be rough around the edges to kinda show the amount of deterioration that their sisterly bonds have gone through but I didn't mean for them to be blocky. Probably means I have to work on my dialogue more (always been a minor issue). The story itself wasn't looked over enough since I get a little anxious to post it and meet personal deadlines. I will definitely be doing more editing and re-reading before another chapter is posted. Once again thanks for the review.
Pretty good chapter. Though you use the phrase 'caught off guard' quite frequently. Nothing really wrong with it, but you might want to mix it up a little.
2442346 Thanks for the tip. I do tend to reuse certain phrases and saying over and over again. I caught a few during my pre-read on this one but I must have missed that.
I liked it. It might be funny so see Tali and Luna work together :p
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A Damaged Sister
Grammar: 8/10 - Mostly nit picks here and there, things that I noticed from you here and there. I'll explain more in the cons, but I'll say you did a very excellent job with your narrative.
Pros: Tense. Very, very tense. I like tension, it drives story! I mean Celestia obviously cares for Luna, she just has a problem understanding how to do it in the proper fashion. And Luna does not like being babied at all, but holding her feelings in like that is going to be a major problem later on, I think. Not sure, only read the first chapter, but it's a good premise!
Cons: GAAAAAAAAAH. Just this one thing and other things like it, just drives me nuts. I like having thought sections as part of the story, not written like dialogue. Having "Celestia thought" is kinda like having "Celestia said" in there. We need to know what she's thinking without you saying she's thinking at all. Get me?
We already know we're in Celestia's POV, we don't need to know specifically that she's thinking. Those snatches of thought don't even need italics if you do them right, just give us little peeks into her head now and then. And even then if you're going to remind us that we're still in her head, make it an action tag: "Celestia pondered what do to about the situation. Maybe a bit of cake would be nice to make it up to her."
Something like that. Think about it.
Notes: Pony Grand Tour. It's my first fic, which oficially marks me as a Brony. I don't think you're one until you contribute something to the fandom, so this is my contribution. Look at it, review it, see how it meshes with you. Other than that, keep my suggestions in mind, and good writing!
2564198 Thanks for the review. I understand what your saying about the thought "dialogue" and it makes complete sense. I need to rework it now that i think about it
. I'll throw a review on your story when I get the chance. Hopefully soon.
It's fine. It's your time after all, you should spend it doing (or writing) whatever you wish. Just don't forget about this one, Having a lot of fun with it so far.
Damn, I was just getting into this. All well, I look forward to the time when you continue to advance this. Luna's recovery from Nightmare Moon and her banishment has always been a source of fascination for me, and you seem to be hitting where I expected this to go.
Good Story. I give it a 8/10
It was just getting interesting. Why
Great story though.
6570612
I wrote myself into a wall when I did this one. This was my first attempt a long time ago ... perhaps I will do a rewrite of the chapters and actually finish it.
Future goals.