Rainbow Dash has only had one dream: To be the fastest, most technical flyer in Equestria.
The Best Young Flyers competition did not satisfy her. Being granted the grand finale at the Royal Wedding was not enough. Not even being the first pegasus to perform the Sonic Rainboom multiple times could convince her that she was one of the top speedsters in the world. She strove, she pushed, she made every attempt to demolish the next obstacle before her, all for one purpose.
Joining the Wonderbolts.
In an attempt to get herself noticed, Rainbow Dash puts it all on the line and enters the world of professional Sky Racing. The goal? To win the most prestigious series the sport has ever seen: The Pegasus Grand Prix. But in order to do so, she'll need a good crew... and what better crew can she think of than her friends?
Friendship has solved everything so far... but can it win in the big time?
Edited by Spabble~!
Note: Both the prologue and first chapter have seen edits. Please re-read them for their new, shinier versions!
This review was brought to you by Authors Helping Authors
Pony Grand Tour (Although the Pegasus Grand Prix would have made a cool title as well)
Grammar: 9/10 You have a few awkward sentences that could easily be fixed with a little re wording. Ex.
After the comma, there should either be an 'and' or change sent to sending. Small things like that will make it flow better.
Pros: Well, right off the bat, you have a great premise. There aren't too many stories (at least to my knowledge) about a pegasus world race. You have a magnificent opportunity to world build and introduce some new characters. Rainbow Dash and Rarity are in character so far, so that's always a good thing. Your exposition is great! You've given a great description of Rainbow's feelings, the race course, everything!
Cons: I've already explained the grammar snag. While your story doesn't have many errors, having a proofreader is always good if you want to make your story the best it can be. This is more of a personal qualm than anything, but when you mentioned the television, I kinda had to pause for a second. I know Equestria has movie reels, but television seems almost too futuristic. I would have gone with radio. But again, that's more of a personal issue than anything.
Overall, I can't wait to see how this will play out. You've got a pretty solid grasp at writing and seem to know what you're doing. I'll be following with great interest.
Whenever you have a moment, feel free to look at my story Sunset of Time. Please and thank you.
I liked Lightning Dust's redemption. That was nice.
Also, cover art helps. Even if it's just a generic picture of Rainbow Dash, it can go a long way.
Shouldn't this have a Slice-of-Life Tag?
Oh, what does this story remind me of? I got it! Isn't this the storyline of Cars 2 with the Grand Prix?
2733864
Since I've never seen that movie, I have no idea what you're talking about.
YEAUH
Title change! I love it when I have these sudden fits of inspiration and good ideas.
Welll... I have to say this needs a thumbs up and a fav.
Story: The Race of Dreams
Review Date: Friday, July 19th, 2013
Grammar (9/10)
It's got pretty good grammar. I honestly didn't notice anything off about it
Pros
How you're presenting the mane cast is excellent because they're all relatable, all who we know and love. You're also having a much more mature Twilight interacting in this story and she's really the picture of a more mature Twilight
Now Lightning Dust... I was wondering why the heck is she in the story, but you've integrated her well into the team composition of the mane cast. Not to mention that the next chapter... ALL MY AWESOME!!!
Prologue was exciting and did a great jot bo set the tone though it raises some of my concerns, because if Twilight was supposed to be sponsor and Rarity became it... what the heck happened?
Also, you really transitioned the world of F1 well to Equestria. I haven't been to F1 or follow it, but its recognizable and yet I'm pretty sure you simplified some things, but they work and the positions are memorable and well explained, which is good.
Cons
You said I had a slow start? Well your start is PRETTY DARN SNAIL PACED for a story about racing XD .. But seriously, while you got the prologue hook, the setting up is taking some time and might put some readers off.
You have to get Fluttershy's dad into this. I mean retired sky racer? I'm surprised he wasn't in there by the next chapter.
You have yet to fully explain the reason why Rainbow didn't even GET into the Wonderbolts Reserves...
Notes:
Generally, its actually a solidly started story with a good premise. It lacks a bit of a hook and is a bit slow to get up to speed. However, you have some events and things to watch as you continue to build this up. Keep a handle on those and you'll be fine.
Clearly you must have read the first chapter wrong, because I don't have Rarity as the sponsor in this one anymore, I have her as a crew member. Still, you do have a point on pacing. I just want to build a good foundation that leads up to that bang-on opening, that's all.
Hi, I'm FloydienSlip here with your WRITE review! Apologies for the lateness of this.
First off, know that this will be a shorter review, since this story is both incomplete and possesses a small number of chapters. Without further ado, let's get right down to it.
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Description and First Impressions
The first thing I noticed is the lack of cover art. Please, please get cover art; it goes a long way in attracting viewers. Your description is pretty good, but this a generic premise that's been done a multitude of times. Still, it's mildly intriguing.
Prologue
The “weather report” in the beginning actually works well here, with the way it’s written. It conveys a lot more emotion than the standard “bright day in Ponyville” bit, and already I can tell that you know what you’re doing. You also really know how to manipulate the syntax to your advantage, with some shorter, clipped sentences to build up tension and longer ones to ease it off. That's not easy to pull off well, so props for that. Honestly, there's not much to criticize here. Rainbow and Rarity seem relatively in character.
Chapter 1
Oh, a flashback! Major props for doing this: I was wondering how the prologue had even come to pass. One thing I was confused by was that Lightning Dust was in “the brig,” but not ejected from the Academy? Am I missing something here? Perhaps it's a bit of headcanon? If that's the case, it's not a bad one at all, considering how Lightning Dust turns out in the end. In your rewrite, I’d make sure to update some things that have happened since the original writing of this story: Babs and Rainbow never going to Manehatten, for example, since it does date the story a bit. It's nice to see this story has more than a single layer to it, as evidenced by the conversations between the other three ponies. I like where this is going so far.
Chapter 2
This is the best chapter out of the four you have published. The characters here were pretty much spot on, and I really dig the reformed!Lightning Dust a lot. And that's cool: Fluttershy's dad is a retired Sky Racer! That could prove very fortuitous…Nothing else to say on this, other than that this still has my interest.
Chapter 3
There’s a bit of an unnecessary subplot here with Twilight sitting in on the day court, and it drags a bit, but I have to remind myself that this was written after MMC but before season four. Maybe condense this part a bit. Where is Fluttershy’s dad in all this? Bringing up something like that and then not doing anything with it is a missed opportunity. I hope you have plans for him in subsequent chapters. Though it was short, Lightning’s spiel about the Grand Prix to Twilight could be glossed over, because the readers know this information already. You can segue from Lightning beginning to tell Twilight about the race to the question of her sponsorship, and not much would be lost in the process. Also, from a technical standpoint: considering your other chapters are roughly 3000 words and this is one 6000, I'd recommend splitting up this one, because having consistent chapter lengths helps your readers know what to expect when the story updates.
Additional Thoughts
Really, really solid spelling/grammar, thanks in no small part to your editor, I’m sure. Makes the story that much nicer, really. Your strongest character of the Mane Six is definitely Rarity. You’ve really captured her mannerisms and speech like those in the show, and she feels real. That being said, your weakest character is probably Pinkie. Though your characters are all good, Pinkie has some dialogue that made me lose immersion in the story for a bit. Sure, references and other things are all fine and dandy, but this Pinkie seemed a lot… mellower and quieter, contrasting the bouncy, bubbly pony we know in the show. Spice up her actions and dialogue!
There was a bit of a slow start, but it’s nice to see that you’re taking the initiative and showing the reader how this all came to pass. Nicely done. The pacing as a whole does tend to drag in spots, however. See if you can address these on your rewrite and try and make the story flow better.
This has grabbed my interest, and I look forward to this story’s continuation!
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- FloydienSlip, WRITE's analytical audiophile
5085445 First of all...
Oh wow. Major commenter on the Austreaoh series writes a review for my story?
There are no. Possible. Words.
Second, thanks. I was wondering where I'd messed up. Need to work on Rainbow a bit, honestly. She'd never admit she was scared of anything, sometimes not even to herself. Until it was too late, anyways.
I shall give this a read and review.