TheTwerp
Joined 6th Mar, 2012 ·
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You have 2 problems, I think
1) this needs to be turned into shorter chapters
2) "Uwah" and "ouu" don't look very good. Try substituting descriptions of the character saying the sound rather than just sticking it in quotes.
Story is excellent so far! Only a few grammar and spelling mistakes, nothing that really makes it unreadable. I would suggest breaking it up into smaller chapters, as the word count can be daunting to some. Other than that, awesome, and I can't wait for more!
4123530 I was on the fence about splitting it up because it is a one shot.
*Looks and sees set to incomplete.*
Crap.
Well if people want more I suppose I could carry on with some kind of epilogue...
Pretty well done. There's some ticky-tack grammar errors like some minor missing punctuation, but other than that it was an enjoyable read. It seems to be set up well to be continued....?
4123798 Thanks for your input.
I will carry on a little bit with it. I have been thinking over the past hour on how to end it properly as I kinda cut it short. Figure I better have the ending resolve the problems her friends may have with Lockheart.
I'm also looking to split it up tomorrow so as not to scare people off.
This was delicious, please give me more.
4123707 Epilogue? Do you even grasp what you started with this one chapter? Potential! This could be something big. Also the ending is kind of a cliffhanger. First of we need Twilight setting things right with her friends, then maybe more deepening in the relationship, and then of course introduction to family and the princesses. Please continue this story. I was kinda sad when I saw it marked complete after I finished reading.
twilight's friends are very out of character
4128124 Actually Applejack can be bullheaded and Rarity can have quite the opinionated view on things, unwarranted yes, OOC not completely just within the parameters of there character at an offended state, hell I can't wait for the next chapter, I'd love to see the reactions to Twileys new relationship, as well as more possible twilight Snapple.
4131145 Thanks for the comment.
I am going to expand a bit more on why Applejack acted as such and what Rarity was attempting to achieve. Also three small chapters showing reactions from the parents and princesses.
Stay tuned for the proper ending!
4132189 Awesome
um I'm curious, there are three things I was hoping to info on about your story, no spoiling just layout. do you plan to Split the POV, like maybe when Twilight goes to confront Applejack, Showing her persective first person, Applejack's, or staying omnipresent?
Also do you plan on Alternate endings like Certain ponys Refusal to accept?
Third and lastly do you plan on show the other mane six I mean I Noticed the Character tags so I was curious if they will play big roles here in this story?
4132661
1) Just having that quandary at the moment. I am trying to keep it consistent with the previous chapter but may have to take perspective to give context.
2) No. I can't conceive of a place in FiM land where ponies would refuse to accept another pony's happiness.
3) Mane Six reactions too! (Will re-tag if needed but always took tags as if chars played a massive role. Rarity and AJ still have stuff to say.)
Are you still working on this, or is it dead in the water?
Seems dead around here...
4132686
Is this dead